Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Movie Quote Winners IV: The Quote for Peace!

Holy schnikes! We not only have a new leader, we have new LEADERS! Dave and Beth tie for the top spot! Former quote champ Lindsey isn't far behind, and seeing how quickly our new co-leaders rose in the rankings, others could seriously jump up in number, as well! New quote up now!


61. “'Hey, Topper, whatcha reading?' 'Great Expectations.' 'Is it any good?' 'Eh, it's not all I'd hoped for.’” - “Hot Shots: Part Deux” - Steph

62. “Why did our mothers start this war, What the f*ck are they fighting for, When did this song become a marathon?” - “South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut” - Beth

63. “It's not every day you find out you're responsible for 3 billion deaths. He took it pretty well.” – Terminator 2 - Greg

64. “Not if you tied my tongue to your tail-pipe and drove me eighty miles-an-hour naked across a field of broken glass. No. No! NO!” - “The Hard Way" - Greg

65. “Hi. I'm Shellie's new boyfriend and I'm out of my mind.” - “Sin City” - Beth

66. “‘It lacked certain elements that we need to market a film successfully.’ ‘What elements?’ ‘Suspense, laughter, violence, hope, heart, nudity, sex, happy endings. Mainly happy endings.’” - “The Player” - Dave

67. “'Oh, isn't he a lady killer?' 'Acquitted.’” - “Addams Family Values” - John

68. “DONT CRY BABY. KNEW THIS WAS ONE WAY TICKET BUT YOU KNOW I HAD TO COME. LOVE YOU WIFE.” - “The Abyss” - Greg

69. “Sh*t... charging a man with murder in this place was like handing out speeding tickets in the Indy 500.” - “Apocalypse Now” - Beth

70. “Be careful what you shoot at. Most things in here don't react too well to bullets.” - “The Hunt for Red October” - Patrick

71. “This is my happening, and it freaks me out!” - “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls” - NO ONE & “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery” - Beth

72. “’Your nose is broken.’ ‘How does it look?’ ‘Ah, it’s an improvement.’” - “Rocky” - Beth

73. “I get a window from a glass, he must get a window from a glass. I get a step, he must get a step. I get a clock-radio…he cannot afford. Great success!” - “Borat: Cultural Learning of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” - John

74. "'Listen, you guys. You're sort of confusing me, so, um, begone... or, um, however I get rid of you guys.' 'That'll work.'“ - “The Emperor’s New Groove” - Beth

75. “How do I look?” “Like a hood ornament.” - “The Rocketeer” - Patrick

76. “‘Where’s your other hand?’ ‘Between two pillows.’ ‘Those aren’t pillows!’” - “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” - Natalie

77. “The only idea more overused than serial killers is multiple personality. On top of that, you explore the notion that cop and criminal are really two aspects of the same person. See *every cop movie ever made* for other examples of this.” - “Adaptation.” - Dave

78. “I used to be the next president of the United States of America. (pause) I don’t find that particularly funny.” - “An Inconvenient Truth” - Dave

79. “Good night, Santa. Good night, Mrs. Santa's sister.” - “Bad Santa” - Beth

80. “What's the matter, you bums forgotten how to kill people? Have you no sense of pride in what you do? No sense of duty, no sense of destiny? I'm looking for generals! What do I got? Foot soldiers!” - “Dick Tracy” - J. Michael

80 ½. “I came here to chew bubblegum and kick *ss. And I’m all out of bubblegum.” - “They Live” - Lindsey, who correctly identified the source of this quote, referenced in my blog tribute to Roddy Piper. Yes, extra credit quotes can be hidden everywhere. So keep your eyes peeled. :)

YOUR SCORECARD:
Beth: 17
Dave: 17
Lindsey: 16
Greg: 7
Steph: 5
John: 4
Patrick: 3
J. Michael: 2
Natalie: 2
E. Sean: 1
Matt: 1
Tracey: 1

Hey, it's an ECW pay-per-view! Buy it! You don't need a card or anything!

When WWE "resurrected" ECW earlier this year, the basic structure of the brand was only being guessed at. Would it run regular house shows (non-televised, for the uninitiated) and pay-per-views, giving it a chance to establish its own identity as a viable brand? Or would it simply be a minor extension of the larger "WWE" entity?

It soon became apparent that in addition to the weekly TV show, ECW would run regular house shows in smaller venues (with some arguing the whole point of bringing ECW back was to run in venues that TNA might have been interested in running in), and also hold bi-annual pay-per-views: the June show One Night Stand, and a December show, "December to Dismember." With only two pay-per-views a year to promote, it was reasonable to expect that the brand would be a more traditionally structured wrestling product, given plenty of time to build and promote their shows, unlike the main WWE brands, which build to at least one show per month.

Well, the "house show" part of the experiment appears to be going the way of the dodo, as they've cancelled almost every individual ECW show and are "merging" the brand's house shows with Smackdown's, promoting "super shows" featuring both brands. And given six months to build characters and construct a card, this is how the December to Dismember PPV, being held on Sunday, is looking:

Elimination Chamber for the ECW Title: Champion Big Show vs. Bobby Lashley vs. CM Punk vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Sabu vs. Test

Special Tag Team Attraction: The Hardy Boyz vs. MNM

The end.

Yep, with SIX MONTHS to build to it, and SIX MONTHS of TV preceding it, the marketing geniuses at WWE have managed to book two, count 'em, TWO matches for a three-hour PPV on Sunday. (And only ONE of those matches ACTUALLY FEATURES ECW PERFORMERS, as neither the Hardy Boyz or MNM even compete for the brand.) The rest of the card at this point is a complete mystery.

Hell, even in the dying days of the REAL ECW, when it was all falling apart and guys were leaving for greener pastures, they'd at least have, say, four or five matches announced. The rest of the card might be a blank slate, but you'd know you were getting SOMETHING.

The experiment is dying, guys. Either put some damn effort behind it or just let it go.

And by the way, is there any match stipulation that has LESS of an "ECW" feel than an Elimination Chamber? You can throw in all the weapons you want, it's still just a over-gimmicked WWE invention.

Monday, November 27, 2006

You do not throw rocks at a man who's carrying a machine gun!

Today's blog title is one of the many, many classic quotes etched into the memories of wrestling fans the world over by "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, one of the true all-time legends of the sport and one of the most entertaining performers in any art form, ever. I highly recommend anyone who has even a passing interest in wrestling to check out the new WWE DVD "Born Into Controversy: The Roddy Piper Story," a very entertaining and comprehensive look at Roddy's career and the incredible impact his work had on the business to this day.

There have been some concerns about Piper's health in recent weeks. He had to leave a WWE tour of Europe last week because of pain in his back. A benign tumor was removed, and many breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn't more serious. But after some further tests, it was just announced that Roddy has been diagnosed with lymphoma.

Roddy's comment on his website, I think, says it best: "It seems like I have been fighting someone, something, someplace, in some manner, my whole life. But this fight, is one I am gonna win!"

Damn right, dude. And allow me to add my voice to the millions of wrestling fans worldwide who support you 100% in this fight. Get well, and get well soon, Hot Rod.

Roddy is here to kick cancer's *ss and chew bubblegum. And he's all out of bubblegum.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

See the First 12 Minutes of Episode 5 Before Anyone Else! Such a Deal!

And we bring you another installment of our award-winning series, "974 Reasons Why Trained Monkeys Could Run Things Better Than the Current Management Staff of 20th Century Fox."*

#28: They have announced a DVD release of the first four episodes of the new season of "24," hitting stores on January 16th. Retail price? 15 bucks. So, you say, they're bringing it out on DVD before they air? That's an interesting idea...

No, it's much less interesting than that. The new season of the show begins airing on January 14th, which is a Sunday. And they're doing the whole "air four episodes of the show in two nights" thing again, so all of the first four episodes of the new season will air on January 14th and 15th. Then the DVD will be released on the 16th. Ergo, you watch the first four episodes the preceeding two days, then buy them THE VERY NEXT DAY.

This release, apparently, wil cover those individuals who do not have DVR. Or a VCR. Or those who have short-term memory issues, maybe.

But WAIT! In announcing the release, Fox has noted that the DVD will also feature the FIRST 12 MINUTES of episode 5, and so YOU CAN SEE THOSE 12 MINUTES BEFORE ANYONE ELSE! Well, hold me back!

Seriously, Fox? I love "24." It's one of my favorite shows. I think Jack Bauer is just a step or two below "god" status. And even *I* would never consider buying into this cheap a promotional tactic.

Next time on "974 Reasons Why Trained Monkeys Could Run Things Better Than the Current Management Staff of 20th Century Fox," a discussion of the strategy behind releasing "Borat" in only 800 theatres its opening weekend.


*Recent installments have covered such topics as the O.J. Simpson special and the Fox News Channel. And apologies to Keith Olbermann for adapting one of his bits for this post.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Hey, you.

Yeah, you. The one reading this blog.

I love you.

Yeah, no matter who you are. I love you. Because, unless you've stumbled onto this blog by accident, you are one of my friends, and as such, you are someone I love and care about, and someone that I am honored and thankful to have in my life.

(And even if you have stumbled onto this blog by accident, I love ya anyway. Might as well get off on the right foot with you.)

So, yeah, I love you. And I thank you for the honor of being your friend. It means more to me than you will ever know.

So, have a very happy Thanksgiving, however you're gonna celebrate it and whoever you're gonna celebrate it with. Have a safe and happy trip, wherever you're going. And please, thoroughly enjoy the beginning of the holiday season.

And, oh yeah, I love you.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Robert Altman, 1925-2006

“You don’t want them to remember you?”
“I don’t want them to be *told* to remember me.”
-Lola and GK, “A Prairie Home Companion,” directed by Robert Altman

No one who ever saw Robert Altman’s films will ever have to be told to remember him.

In that spirit, instead of me writing at length in memory of the man who I consider one of America’s finest directors, I will make a request: See one of his movies. Any of them. There are plenty to choose from. “M*A*S*H.” “McCabe and Mrs. Miller.” “The Long Goodbye.” “Nashville.” “3 Women.” “Popeye.” “Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean.” “The Player.” “Short Cuts.” “Gosford Park.” “A Prairie Home Companion.” And many, many more.

All of them are very different. All of them are much the same. And all of them the work of one of the most prolific and important filmmakers in the history of the cinema. In the collected films of few directors can the overarching pattern of a life be glimpsed there on the screen. A creative life, one that, even though it lasted 81 years, still ended far too soon.

Take your pick. Rent, watch and enjoy. That’s what I plan on doing.

Monday, November 20, 2006

An Unforgettable Editorial and Other Notables

-I strongly, STRONGLY recommend any and all interested to check out the special comment Keith Olbermann did on "Countdown" Monday night (available in print form by clicking this link, or in streaming video available on the same page). It is an amazing piece, swiftly and surgically dissecting the President's comments about the "lessons to be learned from Vietnam." Mr. Bush's comments were so patently ridiculous and blatantly ignorant of history that it was clear he either didn't know what he was talking about, or simply wanted so badly to squeeze in a talking point that he didn't reflect on how ill-conceived his comment was. Keith does a much, much better job of discussing it than I ever could, so please, check it out.

-The O.J. Simpson special AND book have now been officially shelved, after a week of damning criticism and outrage that even Rupert Murdoch could not ignore. "I and senior management agree with the American public that this was an ill-considered project," Murdoch said in an interview, making one wonder why he didn't have this opinion when the project was first pitched. No word on whether or not Simpson will get to keep the 3.5 million dollar bonus he got for signing the deal, but one must assume that he will. Yeah, sir, you can go away now.

-Early reports on TNA Genesis are that it was a good-but-not-great show, with Joe/Angle being a very good match, though "very good" was not what folks were hoping for. I'll still be ordering the show this week and will give my take (for those who care about my take) then.

-See "Stranger Than Fiction." It is a truly wonderful movie. I will say no more, for fear of spoiling anything.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Denied. Arrgh.

There has been no event in professional wrestling in the past five years that I have looked forward to as much as the Kurt Angle/Samoa Joe match taking place tomorrow night on TNA’s “Genesis” pay-per-view. To heck with the OSU/Michigan game, that match is THE event of the weekend, for me.

So, of course, now it comes out that Dish Network won’t be airing the PPV live due to a scheduling conflict. You can order replays later in the week.

Well, thanks a pantload, guys.

Sigh. Everyone else who’s getting it (which means Matt, maybe), enjoy the show. Me, I’ll catch up with you on Monday or Tuesday at the latest.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

It Finally Happened - WWE is Stealing My Material

So, WWE has announced the start of a new web cartoon, with the main character being Vince McMahon's @ss. No, really. You can see it promoted over at WWE.com.

Most recently, they posted a "humor" story about how Vince's @ss has become "difficult to work with" and so forth. Ho ho ho.

Click here, please.

I wrote that story as part of a short-lived humor column posted to OnlineOnslaught, a wrestling news site.

I also wrote it almost FIVE YEARS AGO.

To the WWE's writers and web staff, I consider it extremely flattering that you have deemed my material worthy of rip-off.

Simply inquire to my e-mail address, and I will inform you where the check may be sent.

(Note for the irony impaired - that last line IS A JOKE. Okay? Okay.)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

So Scary, We Can't Even Keep Count!

So, there's this marathon of horror films showing this weekend at a buncha theatres all across the country, including my own. It's called "Horrorfest."

It's been advertised all over the place. The idea, supposedly, is that all these films are just TOO SHOCKING for the general public, so they'll never be properly released, and the only way to see them is in this festival.

My gut reaction is that the movies are so terrifically awful that no distributor could possibly justify showing them in any way other than a gimmicky set-up like this, but that's just me. (Why else schedule "Horrorfest" a full three weeks AFTER Halloween?)

But that's not the funny part. All the ads they've been running - commercials, trailers, banner ads on websites, EVERYTHING - have featured the catchphrase "8 Films to Die For." That's pretty much the title of the whole thing: "Horrorfest: 8 Films to Die For."

Tonight at the theatre, we got in the prints of the films we're showing as part of the festival.

There are NINE movies.

I'm serious. You can even go to the official Horrorfest website and count for yourself. The banner ad at the top of the page says, "8 Films to Die For." The commercial embedded in the page talks about how there are, "8 Films to Die For." And they list NINE MOVIES.

The obvious question: So, which one is the one you can't die for? My money's on "Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror."

Brilliant!

The fine folks at JibJab have added yet another video to the already expansive landscape of vids from "Straight Outta Linwood" with an INCREDIBLE interpretation of Al's Taylor Hicks parody.

Check it out. I'm serious, this thing is "Borat"-level hilarious.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Yeah, I'm still fat. And extremely confused.

Let us follow the timeline, shall we?

October 23rd: Word starts to leak out that O.J. Simpson is writing a book in which he "hypothetically" confesses to the killings of his wife and her friend. The word comes from the Enquirer, which makes many skeptical, but still, I find back-up corroboration and post a blog entry about it.

October 24th: Simpson publically denies that he is writing a book. His lawyer says, "If anyone comes out with such a book, I'll go on every talk show and call it c**p." Upon learning this (a couple weeks after the fact), I write a second blog entry apologizing for the first blog entry.

November 15th: Today, the news story hits the AP wire...the Fox channel is announcing that Simpson will be appearing on their network November 27th and 29th, in a two-part interview entitled, "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened." Quoting the story: "The interview will air days before Simpson's new book, 'If I Did It,' goes on sale Nov. 30."

Oh, and the Fox network's own website has footage from the upcoming interview, including Simpson describing how the scene (hypothetically) looked when his wife and her friend were covered in blood.

November 16th: Simpson's lawyer begins to line up about 4,000 bowls of crow he will be eating in the next few days.

Okay, seriously, was there like a disconnect between Simpson and his lawyer on this? Did the lawyer not know about the book and issued a blanket denial, by reflex? Did the lawyer know and denied in order to keep the project under wraps? What the blazes is going on here?

Bottom line, my basic reaction remains the same. Mr. Simpson, kindly just go away. Now.

Dragged kicking and screaming into another online community

Yep, I'm a Facebooker now. If you're on there and wanna add me, please do!

Early impressions: there's things I like and things I don't like. I like the text message updates. I don't like how unnecessarily complicated everything is.

Speaking of unnecessarily complicated, Blogger switching over to Google has naturally added a whole new level of "give Jeff headaches" complication to everything. I never have had to jump through so many hoops just to log onto my own account in my life. And even when you click the "Remember Me" tab, IT NEVER REMEMBERS YOU. Wow, this conglomerate-swallowing is just making my life better and better!

(Note: if my account is suddenly deleted in the next few days, we'll know why.)

Monday, November 13, 2006

Eddie: One Year Later

It was a year ago today that we lost Eddie Guerrero.

The wrestling community lost one of its all-time great performers, and a man who was a hero and inspiration to many, including me.

Time flies, indeed. It sure doesn’t feel like it’s been a year since that Sunday afternoon when I logged onto PWInsider.com only to get hit, hard, in the gut with the news.

The only comparable situation for me would be Seth’s passing earlier in the same year. Seth hit much closer to home, naturally, since it was a far greater personal loss for all of us who knew him.

But Eddie’s departure was just as shocking. It happened so suddenly, so completely unexpectedly. This was a man who not only was in the prime of his life, but had worked so hard to overcome so many hardships, and had come out clean on the other side. He had fought the darkest of his demons, and, it seemed, had triumphed.

In many ways, he had. But those demons would extract their final, terrible toll a year ago today.

In the following year, WWE has instituted a “wellness program” in an effort to keep a closer eye on the health of their talent, trying to prevent any situations like Eddie from ever happening again. They have also shamelessly exploited his memory by constantly using him as a part of storylines, from Randy Orton proclaiming “Eddie is in hell” to Rey Mysterio and Chavo Guerrero’s feud with their relationship to Eddie as the main catalyst. These storytelling choices are a big reason why I don’t watch WWE anymore.

As for me, the experiences of the past year and a half (including the passing of Seth, Eddie, my aunt, and the shocking losses of several other BGSU alumni) have inspired me to try and lead my life in a better way. Not great, not perfect, but better. I do my damnedest not to take my friends for granted anymore. I never, ever miss an opportunity to tell them how much they mean to me. I’m trying to live with as few regrets as I can.

I don’t have to believe in a god to believe that every day is a gift, and that I need to appreciate each and every one of them, for as long as I can. Because we never know when this crazy ride will end, and all that matters is the here and now…and the folks who come with you along the way.

I love each and every one of you. Viva la raza.

Strong Bad fans, check it out!

They've made SBlounskched!

Sure, it doesn't have pepperoni in it and it's back in the log shape and not in the "Strong Bad's pants with a bite taken out of them" shape, but the basic concept is the same.

"Who's got the mooooneeeeeeeeeey...you got SBlounskched!"

(Click here if you have no idea what I'm talking about.)

Friday, November 10, 2006

Naughty, Naughty!

Lawsuits, everyone! Lawsuits!

For the uninitiated, in the movie Borat is picked up on the road by three frat boys who are quite clearly drunk (but really not THAT drunk…somewhat toasted but still lucid and coherent) and start asking Borat questions like, “Hey, are women slaves in your country?” When he answers no, and asks if they have slaves in America, they respond, “No, but we should!” They also make many more sexist comments along the way, in the end encouraging Borat to “never let a woman make you who you are!”

Now, two of the three kids involved are suing the filmmakers, claiming that they got them liquored up at a bar before filming, assured them that it was part of a real documentary, and that it would “only be seen outside the United States.” They then said that “they engaged in behavior they would not have otherwise engaged in.”

Uh-huh.

A.) Logic states that for the footage to be seen in the film, the guys in question would have to have signed some kind of release. Seeing as how the film’s distributor is Fox, my gut tells me that puppy’s gotta be airtight.

B.) I’m SURE that as college kids they are fine, upstanding young men who have NEVER before let alcohol touch their lips and would never, ever have gotten drunk of their own accord, without the help of a group of filmmakers forcing, LITERALLY FORCING, that devil’s juice down their throats.

C.) Sacha Baron Cohen may not be a household name (before last weekend, anyway), but he’d played the character of Borat for quite a while on the “Ali G Show” before ever starting the movie. Any self-respecting college kid probably should have known he wasn’t “making a real documentary.”

D.) Now, if we accept the reality that they thought it was a real doc, drunk or no, they should have known better before tossing around such tasteful bon mots like “we should have slavery here in America” with a movie camera rolling nearby.

And, most of all…

E.) They’re filing this lawsuit EXACTLY when the movie is widening it release, giving it MORE publicity leading into the weekend and probably sending even more folks into the theatres to watch them humiliate themselves, as folks will now KNOW that actual frat boys, not actors, are saying those things.

Yep. What Chief Wiggum would say with conviction, I say with sarcasm: “That’s nice work, boys.”

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Borat

I just saw the most gut-bustingly hilarious movie I’ve seen in YEARS. And I have no idea how a good chunk of my friends will react to it.

The film in question is “Borat,” which opened this past weekend and drew an amazingly large audience on an amazingly small number of screens. Word of mouth has now made this THE film to see, and the showing I attended was pretty full for a Wednesday evening.

As stated, I thought the movie was amazingly funny. I literally had to start hoping the film would be a little more low-key toward the end, as it was beginning to actually hurt to laugh that long and consistently for such an extended period of time.

The film is also the most cheerfully over-the-top and offensive film that has been seen in years. There are few buttons it does not dare to push, and those it doesn’t push it mashes with a hammer. When, a mere three minutes into the movie, we are cutting to footage of Kazakhstan’s “annual Running of the Jew,” you begin to get an idea of what you’re in for.

There is no sacred cow in sight. The film’s lead character, Borat, played by Sacha Baron Cohen, is a Kazakh journalist sent to America to make a film about learning American culture. There is a bare-bones basic plot involved (he sees Pamela Anderson on TV and becomes obsessed with marrying her), but the majority of the film is simply situations depicting Borat meeting Americans, learning little, understanding less, and sharing his incredibly wrong-headed and prejudicial nature.

The film is made documentary-style, with much footage apparently shot just by dropping Cohen among folks who have no idea he’s playing a character, and seeing how they react. Some are more telling than those captured on film ever would realize. When Borat visits a rodeo, he meets a gentleman who insists that he should shave his moustache so he doesn’t “look like a Muslim,” then engages in a rant more jaw-droppingly wrong-headed and utterly racist than any writer would ever dream of trying to get away with. When Borat enters a gun shop and asks for a weapon for “shooting Jews,” the salesperson thinks for a second, then suggests a .45 or other effective weapons.

Borat is, as you can tell, horribly anti-Semitic, but his hatred is the uninformed rambling of someone who has been told to hate Jews and does, just because. He has no understanding of Jewish culture or people. When he stops at a bed and breakfast and is greeted by an older Jewish couple (the man even wearing a yarmulke), he doesn’t even realize their religion until they tell him - and only then does his prejudice kick in to ludicrous levels. He also is sexist, insisting to a group of veteran feminists that Kazakh scientists have proved that women’s brains are much smaller than men’s. Again, his misunderstanding and blissful ignorance is the whole joke - he has never in his life tried to understand other people, and when confronted with evidence that would undermine his beliefs, it goes in one ear and out the other, allowing him to continue believing what he wants to believe.

But does the film go so far that its satirical and subversive message is unreadable? I didn’t think so, as my loud and incredibly frequent laughter testified. Others may not have the same reaction. I saw the film with Abby Bollenbacher, one of my best friends and one of the smartest people I know, and her response to much of the material was a kind of stony silence. There were laughs, certainly, but often she seemed to feel the jokes were so over-the-top that they stopped being subversive and started just being offensive for offensiveness’ sake.

This may be an appropriate reaction to the film, for her and for many others. Borat certainly learns no great lesson over the course of the film, there’s no magical redemption and change of heart. He finds “Mr. Jesus” at one point, but that only leads to him modifying his prejudices to fit his new “Christian” lifestyle. There may, indeed, be those who see the film and laugh not because they find the commentary about prejudice and ignorance funny, but because they think the prejudicial material itself funny.

But that kind of danger is present in all forms of satire, and the same question always comes up in response - must comedy writers try to curtail their efforts because some might not get the joke? I’ve gone through a similar bout of self-analysis recently with my song “Gay Marriage,” which compared to “Borat” belongs on “Sesame Street.” I didn’t know if I had taken the joke just far enough that the satirical aspect was still funny, without being so far that it felt like I was just flat-out preaching. But then if I didn’t go far enough, would people think I was serious? I actually asked for a LOT of advice and feedback on that one before posting it, worried about how it would be perceived.

Sacha Baron Cohen, the writer and lead actor of “Borat,” has decided to swing for the fences, and for that he certainly must be applauded. He holds nothing back and tries for it all. Watching the heedless nature with which Cohen went for ANY joke, no matter how amazingly offensive it was, reminded me of a famous Mel Brooks quote: Upon seeing “The Producers,” a woman came to Brooks and proclaimed that the film was vulgar. “Lady,” Brooks replied, “it rose below vulgarity.”

“Borat” has much the same feel. It heads in directions few would have the guts to try and makes blunt the kind of satirical point other films would tip-toe around. Whether or not the film succeeds in delivering its basic comic message to each and every audience member is, of course, up to the comic tastes of each and every audience member. We all have a different idea of what’s funny - that’s one of the most wonderful things about having a sense of humor in the first place.

Another quote comes to mind, from the television series “Duckman”: “Dare to be challenged! To be offended! Dare to be treated as thinking, reasoning adults!” You may come out of “Borat” thinking you’ve seen the single funniest film produced in the last ten years. You may come out mortified and disgusted. You may come out somewhere in between. But I can promise you this: You will certainly have an opinion. You will be effected, and you will have been engaged, fully, by the movie in question. And that’s something that you CERTAINLY can’t say about 99% of the cr*p that calls itself “comedy” these days.

Movie Quote Winners III: Quote Warriors

(Folks, after this round, we suddenly have a close contest! Lindsey, watch your back, Dave and Beth are hot on your heels! Keep on guessing, new quote's up now!)

41. “'Well, if I give you some more money, will you buy some new socks? Please?’ ‘Well, I’d be tempted, but I couldn’t say for sure. Might find its way to the track.’” - “Million Dollar Baby” - Dave

42. “So this is planet Houston.” - “Superman II” - Dave

43. “They're skilled ammunition workers. They're essential. Essential girls! Their fingers polish the inside of shell metal casings. How else am I to polish the inside of a 45 millimeter shell casing? You tell me. You tell me!” - “Schindler’s List” - Dave

44. “I ain’t got time to bleed.” - “Predator” - Greg

45. “’Was that the boogeyman?’ ‘As a matter of fact…that was.’” - “Halloween” - Beth

46. “They’re coming to get you, Barbara…” - “Night of the Living Dead” - John

47. “Oh, it's a big pretty white plane with a red stripes, curtains at the windows and wheels and it looks like a big Tylenol.” - “Airplane!” - Beth

48. “'If you didn't kill him, then who did, sir?' 'Who can say? Best thing for him, really. His therapy was going nowhere.'“ - “The Silence of the Lambs” - Dave

49. “He strolled. Like a man in a park without a care or a worry in the world. Like he had on some kind of invisible coat that was gonna shield him from this place. Yeah...I guess it'd be fair to say that I liked Andy from the start.” - “The Shawshank Redemption” - Lindsey

50. “'Just stay right where you are, Your Ladyship, and we'll be with you in an aaaaahhhhrrrrrrr...' 'In an hour? But I can't wait an hour!'“ - “Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit” - Beth

51. “You never had a camera in my head.” - “The Truman Show” - Beth

52. “'I think it might be helpful if I gave you some background on the different personalities Regan has manifested. So far, I'd say there seem to be three. She's convinced...' 'There is only one.'" - “The Exorcist” - Dave

53. “You ever get the feelin'... I don't know, er... when you're in town and someone looks at you all suspicious, like he knows? And then you go out on the pavement and everyone looks like they know too?” - “Brokeback Mountain” - Dave

54. “Hello. My name is Marty DiBergi. I'm a filmmaker. I make a lot of commercials. That little dog that chases the covered wagon underneath the sink? That was mine.” - “This Is Spinal Tap” - Dave

55. “We're Americans! With a capital 'A', huh? And you know what that means? Do you? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts!” - “Stripes” - Dave

56. “No matter how many times you save the world, it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. Sometimes I just want it to stay saved! You know, for a little bit? I feel like the maid; I just cleaned up this mess! Can we keep it clean for, for ten minutes?” - “The Incredibles” - Beth

57. “You think I just want another puzzle to solve? Another John G. to look for? You're a John G. So, you can be my John G. Will I lie to myself to be happy? In your case Teddy... yes I will.” - “Memento” - Beth

58. “And it seemed real. It seemed like, well, our home. If not Arizona, then a land not too far away. Where all parents are strong and wise and capable, and all children are happy and beloved...I dunno. Maybe it was Utah.” - “Raising Arizona” - Greg

59. “We really shook the pillars of heaven, didn't we, Wang?” - “Big Trouble in Little China” - Greg

60. “‘The President will be a hero. He brought peace.’ ‘But there was never a war.’ ‘All the greater accomplishment.’” - “Wag the Dog” - J. Michael


YOUR SCORECARD:
Lindsey: 15
Dave: 14
Beth: 10
Steph: 4
Greg: 4
John: 2
E. Sean: 1
J. Michael: 1
Matt: 1
Natalie: 1
Patrick: 1
Tracey: 1

What a difference a day makes...

I had a pretty cr*ppy day yesterday. Long story that hopefully will be okay.

I go to bed late, take my grandmother to a doctor's appointment early this morning, then go back home and crash until even later. I wake up at about 2 p.m. to find out that...

A.) The Democrats won control of the House,

B.) They are tied for control of the Senate, with Virginia showing a razor-thin lead for Democratic candidate Jim Webb

AND

C.) Donald Rumsfeld is resigning.

Can someone pinch me or something? I wanna make sure I'm not still asleep here.

Hmm. Apparently Georgie Boy and the Elephants had an even worse day than I did.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Bat Out of Hell III

I’ve been a long-time fan of Meat Loaf’s music, and though I didn’t rush out to pick up a copy of “Bat Out of Hell III” the second it came out, I looked forward to its release with much anticipation. The second “Bat” amounted to a musical revelation for me, as to be honest there was very, very little in the form of rock that I listened to at that time in my life, but somehow that album got around my defenses and opened my mind to a whole world of musical possibilities. I am not exaggerating here - I consider the day I listened to Bat II one of the most significant days in my life, considering the long-reaching implications it had. (In MANY ways.)

Personal events in recent years have made Meat’s music very difficult emotionally to listen to, to the point where I even sold my copies of the previous Bats - but I recognize that the problem is my own, and holding it against the music is more than a little unfair. So, with the arrival of “Bat III,” my personal Meat embargo has been lifted, and I’m trying to evaluate the new album on its own merits, while also looking at it as part of a bigger whole. The end result? Read on…

-The first cut is the title track, “The Monster is Loose,” which was previously available for download on Meat’s MySpace page, written by the new producer for this “Bat,” Desmond Child. The more I listen to this one, the more I like it. It’s got the bombastic, over-the-top Meat Loaf feel, while definitely feeling more contemporary in the musical tone and pace. A really good track.

-Next is a slightly slower love ballad called “Blind as a Bat,” it once again has the depth of lyrics and musical audacity that we’ve become accustomed to from the “Bat” series, even without being written by Meat’s longtime collaborator Jim Steinman. There are even some nifty lyrical references that could almost be a dig at him: “I’m not afraid that I’m bad for good,” referencing a song that Steinman wrote and will actually appear later on in the album. This song also starts to answer one of my biggest fears about a new “Bat” project - Meat’s voice has shown some weakness in recent years, and I wasn’t sure if his pipes could handle the kind of singing a “Bat” usually requires. “Monster” doesn’t require that level of belting, but this song does, and by god, it’s Meat Loaf in full voice, all right.

-Then is our first contribution from Mr. Steinman himself, and following his usual pattern, he offers more in the form of re-uses of older (and less heard) material than he actually writes new stuff. In most cases, I’ve been waiting to hear Meat take a shot at most of this material, anyway, so it’s all good. The new songs Steinman contributes, we’ll deal with later. Anyway, this is a remake of “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now,” which of course was recorded as a single by Celene Dion a while back. This time it’s performed as a duet with newcomer Marion Raven, and boy does the woman have pipes. She may end up being a star if she plays her cards right. I was pretty harsh to this track when it was first released, but the more I’ve heard it I’ve realized I was WAY too harsh. This is actually a very lovely rearrangement of the tune, and it certainly has way more soul behind it than the Dion version. Yes, once again, I admit, I was wrong!

-Up next is another Steinman re-recording, of a tune that I THINK Meat has done before - “Bad for Good,” a tune that was actually the title track of Steinman’s ill-fated solo album. This one’s much more of a straight up remake of the original tune than most of the other Steinman redos on the album, but it’s a good song so that’s okay.

-Now we get our most standard-pop song on the album, a short love song entitled “Cry Over Me.” It’s not bad by any means, but nothing exceptional, and for a “Bat Out of Hell” song it’s way too simple and, well, NORMAL.

-Then comes the first of the two new Steinman songs on the album - “In the Land of the Pigs, The Butcher is King.” Ahem. Let’s deal with the title first - there’s nothing about it that could not be fixed by simply calling it, “Land of the Pigs.” Or “The Butcher is King.” Either or. We don’t need a whole line of lyrics in the title, thanks. It starts promising, with an ominous build of music leading up the way, but once the song proper begins, it begins to go downhill. I have no idea what happened here - this song is so NOT Jim Steinman. Hard driving base beat and relatively formless lyrics, with no creative musical flourishes or bombastic vocal moments anywhere? What the heck is this? It’s not horrible or anything, but it certainly is nowhere near his best work.

-Up next is the now-traditional short orchestral and/or chorus track, entitled “Monstro,” which starts nice and ominous and then builds into a up tempo rock beat. (The transition isn’t nearly as jarring as you’d think.) This leads into the song “Alive,” which I actually like a LOT. It’s fast paced and upbeat, with enough lyrical complexity and emotion to work. It’s short (for Meat, anyway), but it really is a good song, IMO, and you can tell singing it is almost a cathartic experience for Meat, as he’s not only playing his character, but he’s taking a stand as a musician dead-set on a comeback.

-Then we slow things down with “If God Could Talk,” a sweet song that isn’t a companion piece to “What If God Was One of Us,” I swear. This one’s really more of a love ballad, with enough of a hard backbeat to avoid being annoying. And again, it’s clear Meat is pouring his soul into every track.

-More new Steinman is next, as we get “If It Ain’t Broke, Break It,” this album’s attempt at “Life is a Lemon,” I guess. It’s certainly a better track than “Pigs,” with a much catchier hook and more entertaining lyrics, but it’s still nowhere near being a Steinman song. It’s strange but the most Steinman-sounding of the new material have been the songs that weren’t written by Steinman.

-”What About Love,” the album’s next track, seems much more like a nice addition to “Welcome to the Neighborhood” than a “Bat Out of Hell” album, being much more, well, sappy than you normally get from an album in this series. I like the track, as it’s actually pretty catchy as these things go, and as it goes along it actually starts to rev it up and get some mustard behind it, I just don’t know if it belongs on here.

-And now we get the epic, as Steinman brings in the 10-minute track “Seize the Night” from his short-lived Broadway musical “Dance of the Vampires,” complete with 2-minute orchestral intro. It’s a great arrangement and performance of the material, really, but it only serves to showcase some of the flaws in the original piece, like its repetitive lyrics (the whole of the song’s 10-minutes fits onto less than one page of the booklet, as opposed to the two pages the much shorter “What About Love” takes up just one track earlier) and musical self-plagiarism (the basic guitar chord is completely ripped off from Steinman’s own “Good Girls Go to Heaven,” and a musical breakdown sounds eerily similar to “The Future Ain’t What It Used to Be,” which is the VERY NEXT SONG ON THIS ALBUM). I’m glad Meat took a stab at it, really, but the song itself really could have used some reworking.

-The climax of the album comes with Meat FINALLY recording what is my all-time favorite Steinman song that he hasn’t recorded yet - “The Future Ain’t What it Used to Be.” The lyrics and the music are just plain beautiful, and Meat’s performance is just what I was hoping for from him, though the re-arrangement into almost a revival hymn takes quite a bit away from it, for me. It’s still a really good song, just not quite everything I was hoping for.

-The “Epilogue” is a short Steinman song called “Cry to Heaven,” a sweet lullabye that really works quite well as a closer, not only for the album but, perhaps, the whole of the “Bat” saga.

So on the whole, is it everything I wanted? No, but how could it be? When an album means as much to a person as “Bat II” did to me, how can anything that tries to follow it up do anything but pale in comparison?

But that aside, how is it as an album? I think that it’s a very good piece, with several excellent tracks and the wonderful surprise that Meat is back in full voice and sounding great. The flaws in this album have almost nothing to do with his work, they lie in odd arrangement choices by the producers on some of the tracks and the truly disappointing factor of Steinman’s contributions, particularly the original numbers. I can’t believe I’m going to write this sentence, but the weakest part of “Bat III” is Jim Steinman.

As for the rest of the album, there’s enough good stuff for me to recommend it on its own merits, or if you’re not up to owning the whole thing, definitely check out “Monster,” “It’s All Coming Back to Me” and “Alive.” I think the best way I can sum it up is, while it’s a very good album, it’s not a great “Bat Out of Hell.”

Well, I'm still fat, but...

In an update from a story I posted about a few weeks ago (which I didn't hear about until now), Simpson is denying that he's writing a book about the killings. My sincerest apologies for passing the apparently untrue story along.

I guess that'll teach me (and everyone who is actually in the media) to run with a story where the primary source is the National Enquirer.

I still wish Simpson would just go away quietly, book or no, but that's another matter.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Niiiiiice

Now THIS is impressive.

"Borat" opens on literally LESS THAN ONE-FOURTH of the number of screens that its nearest competitors opened on (837 vs. about 3,500), and STILL managed to outgross them by over six million dollars. Per screen average: over $31,000. Wow.

And the reviews have been stellar, too. I'm definitely checking it out sometime this week. Who's with me? :)

Saturday, November 04, 2006

I Blame Beth

Order of events today:

1. I pick up my paycheck.

2. I deposit my paycheck.

3. I head straight to a chinese buffet close to my theater. To eat a ton of horrible food like crab rangoon and my usual fried delectibles, you ask?

No. For the sushi.

Gobs of it. Several plates of it. Various varieties. Almost nothing but it.

There was a time when the mass consumption of raw fish would make me retch. Now I can't get enough.

I am becoming convinced that Beth slipped something in my drink the last time I hung out with her before she left. It's her fault!

Not that this is a bad thing. Most every food I've ever become fixated on has been horrible for me. It's nice to be fixed on a relatively healthy option. Makes being on a diet much more bearable.

Friday, November 03, 2006

We Need Some More Apologies

Hmm. It seems the media is falling all over itself to inflate the issue of John Kerry's misunderstood joke this week and are thus playing right into the hands of those who have been looking for something, ANYTHING to give the Republicans good ink a mere week before a good chunk of them were likely to lose their jobs.

Anyone who wants to continue to delude themselves about the left-wing bias of the general media needs look no further than this "scandal." We've already forgotten about Mark Foley...remember him? The guy who was propositioning teenagers on the web, a pattern of behavior which was apparently being covered up by Republican leaders? No fresh outrage for THAT? But by God, John Kerry said something that, if you look at it a certain way, might be seen as implying that people in the military are less smart than the rest of us! Break out the torches!

Now, Kerry's remark was spectacularly ill-advised and horrifically worded. If I said something like that, I'd be terribly embarrassed and apologetic. Not only because of the people who I might have offended in the military, but because I was so weak in my comedic delivery to make that mistake. I mean, if you're gonna make fun of Bush's intelligence, go ahead and do so. There is ample evidence and actual incidents to quote ("Mission Accomplished," anyone?). I guess what I'm saying here is, Mr. Kerry, next time leave the comedy to the professionals, especially when we're barely a week from such an important mid-term.

But if our Republican bretheren are gonna get their cheeks so puffy and flustered over that little comment that they demand an apology (which was given), then I feel that we should start demanding an apology for the following comments which were made by Republican candidates, commentators and advertising over the past year, all of which I find infinitely more offensive than Kerry's remark, and none of which have garnered anywhere near the airplay that Kerry's has:


Conrad Burns, senator from Montana, discussing his theory of terrorists who live among us and “drive taxicabs in the day and kill at night.”

Katherine Harris, running for the senate in Florida, calling the separation of church and state “a lie.”

Donald Rumsfeld, comparing Democrats and Iraq war critics to the appeasers who enabled Hitler.

Vernon Robinson, Republican candidate for congressional seat for the 13th district in North Carolina, running a radio ad where it was said of his opponent, "If Miller had his way, America would be nothing but one big fiesta for illegal aliens and homosexuals."

Radio host Michael Savage, on the escalation of violence between Israel and Hezbollah: “…the American left is cheering today. They'll probably break open the jug wine and cheer that Jews are dying, and that they're living and cowering in bomb shelters. One day, the 'Deutschland über alles' may be played in Jerusalem, and the American left can tear off their masks once and for all and show themselves to be what they really are -- which is the Nazis of our time."

The usual ridiculous-homophobia-as-political-viewpoint: Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum comparing gay sex to “man on dog relations,” Ohio gubernatorial candidate Ken Blackwell proclaiming that gay marriage “defies barnyard logic,” and the charming Minnesota senator Michele Bachmann proclaiming that gay marriage is “a ticking time bomb” because “little children would be forced to learn that homosexuality is normal.”

Jean Schmidt, U.S. Representative from Ohio, not only claiming that the concept of storing nuclear waste shipments from around the world in her own district was an idea that “we need to look at” because it could create “hundreds if not thousands of jobs,” but also implying in a speech before the House that Jack Murtha, a decorated Marine veteran, was a “coward” for advocating withdrawal from Iraq.

The usual lies, slander and utter cr*p that come out of political ads, the most outrageous of which, coming from a political action group supported by a Mr. J. Patrick Rooney, implies that abortion is a Democratic plot to kill minority babies. Quoting from the ad: "If you make a little mistake with one of your hos, you'll want to dispose of that problem tout de suite, no questions asked."


So, let's have a little balance in our outrage, shall we? Republicans are outraged because one Democrat made a comment which might be read as calling those serving military dumb? Okay, apology expected and given.

I, as a liberal thinker, believe in the "lie" of the separation of church and state, am apparently readily comparable to the appeasers who enabled Hitler, have been called "one of the Nazis of our time," believe in granting the right of marriage to people whose sexual choices have been compared to "man on dog relations," and with my vote enable a political organization which supposedly is involved in a plot to kill minority children.

Is expecting an apology in return for these TRUE outrages too much to ask?

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Oops.

Seems I mis-read the Bob Barker article, as the lovely and talented Beth pointed out...his BIRTHDAY is actually in December, but he's retiring in JUNE.

There is a technical term for this type of situation. It is called a "mistake."

Oops, sorry. :)