Michael Bay Says Some "Incredibly Rediculous Things" and Makes an Ass Out of Himself in the Process

Michael Bay is an egotistical moron who has way too inflated an opinion of his own place in film history.

Strong words, I admit. But I'm willing to back them up.

A recent Yahoo News article documents a "war of words" that has erupted between Megan Fox and Bay. She's given some interviews saying, essentially, that Bay makes movies that focus on special effects and don't leave a lot of room for "acting" and stuff.

Not a particularly controversial viewpoint, I'd say. We'll leave behind any jokes about what kind of "acting" Ms. Fox brings to the table anyway for another time.

No, our observations will be limited to Mr. Bay's rather epic "I'm awesome! She should shut up!" response. Admittedly, he didn't say it in exactly those words, but he did start whining about how Fox is "23 years old and she still has a lot of growing to do."

Then, Bay shows that, for a 44-year-old, he has way more growing up to do, as well. Specifically, trying to claim other's success as your own:

"Nick Cage wasn't a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck before I put him in 'Armageddon.' Shia LaBeouf wasn't a big movie star before he did 'Transformers' -- and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from 'Bad Boys'."

Hoo boy. Let's break this down, shall we?

-Nicolas Cage, Bay apparently thinks, got his "big break" working with Bay on "The Rock" in 1996. Sure, he'd only been in the movies 15 years until that point, with films like "Peggy Sue Got Married," "Moonstruck," "Raising Arizona," "Wild at Heart," "Honeymoon in Vegas," "Guarding Tess" and "It Could Happen to You." Oh yeah and he had WON A FREAKING OSCAR for "Leaving Las Vegas." But he wasn't a "big actor" before that master Michael Bay got to him, though!

-Speaking of Oscar winners, that Ben Affleck guy had also won one for some movie called "Good Will Hunting" before Bay MADE HIM A STAR with his amazing turn in "Armageddon." And he was already a veteran of a couple of Kevin Smith flicks.

-And who the hell was Shia LaBeouf before "Transformers?" Well, he was the guy in "Disturbia," which made a ton of money. And he was in "The Greatest Game Ever Played." And he was that kid on "Even Stevens."

-Do I even need to mention what Will Smith ("Fresh Prince of Bel-Air") and Martin Lawrence ("Martin") were famous for, well before "Bad Boys" came along? That flick was, at best, a medium-sized hit in 1995 anyway...Smith didn't really explode in popularity until "Independence Day" the following year.

Bay's point, I guess, is that all these people were built up through their exposure in his body of work, so Fox should just shut up and be grateful. But of course, he DIDN'T make any of the people he mentioned "stars." He's just deluded himself into thinking he did.

And even if he HAD, that has nothing to do with the completely valid point Fox made. His movies ARE sound and fury. He DOESN'T provide his actors with a great chance to show their talent. Fox probably had more character moments in "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" than she had in both "Transformers" films combined, and she was a freaking Disney villain in that one.

Look, Michael, you're making a mint. The financial rewards should be enough right now. If you want respect as an artist, make some small art film that has no explosions. I dare ya. But if you can't handle criticism (especially from someone who worked with you), and immediately start claiming as your own the success of others, maybe you don't have the emotional backbone necessary to be a director in the first place.

Original Yahoo Article: http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/us-magazine-megan-fox-bay.html

Box Office Might Doesn't Mean Critics Wrong

I have some thoughts that cannot be confined to 140 characters on Twitter.

I recently came across an article on Yahoo which analyzed the fact that "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" has been so terribly reviewed (running at only 20% on the Tomatometer) and yet is such a box office smash (grossing over $200 million in its first five days).

The extraordinary popularity of the film cannot be denied. What I find most galling about the article, however, is a tendency I have found in many articles in recent years: The argument that box office might makes right. If a movie makes all that money and the critics hated it, well, obviously there's something wrong with the CRITICS.

First of all, the success of a film in its first weekend is less a testament to the film's quality and more to the success of its marketing campaign. Tons of people are convinced, through aggressive TV, print and web marketing (to say nothing of children's marketing, as most of Transformers' audience had children in tow) that the film is an event they CANNOT miss, and they would see the film no matter what the critics say. Yahoo's article attempts to sidestep this by claiming that after a strong first day, the audience didn't drop off on Thursday, obviously thanks to strong word of mouth. Huh? When was the last time a movie dropped off the face of the map after one day? Word of mouth is IRRELEVANT until later weeks, when the initial burst of enthusiasm due to marketing has faded, and then whether the movie is any good actually continues to draw people in. What film ever lost over half of its audience from opening day to its second? Ohwait...that would be "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen," which on Thursday grossed less than half of what it did on Wednesday.

Besides, the second we start letting box office success be the ultimate factor in film quality is the second we have to say that "The Phantom Menace" was a WAY better film than "Empire Strikes Back" or "Return of the Jedi," since its grosses were higher. Or that "Shrek 2" is one of the greatest movies of all time, since it's ranked in the top five. Movies are not a horse race, and who "wins" is much less relevant to you or me than a simple question: is it any good? Is it worth taking two hours of our lives to see it? How many people are seeing it means just as much as how many lemmings are going over the cliff. Well, they're all going, I might as well, too...

That's what criticism is for. You find a good film critic or two (or hundreds, if you like rottentomatoes.com) whose writing you like and whose opinions you respect, and take their reviews into account. They can direct you to some good films you didn't consider before. You won't always agree with them, but you'll find far more awesome experiences than you ever knew were there. And occasionally, you'll get to read some hilarious jabs taken at some truly worthy targets.

Paramount executive Rob Moore, however, claims (note that no critics were actually quoted in the article, only talking-head studio execs) that critics "forget what the goal of the movie was. The goal of the movie is to entertain and have fun." Yep. It was not at all a cynical attempt to cash in on 80's nostalgia and make a cross-marketing deal with a toy manufacturer, "Transformers 2" was ONLY about entertainment and fun. I'm sure Paramount's "G.I. Joe" film later this summer has similar goals. He says this critics are expecting every film to be "Citizen Kane" or something. Oh, wait, Kane WAS entertaining and fun. It was also thought-provoking, challenging, brilliantly made and acted, and influenced American moviemaking for decades afterward. I think I can say confidently that none of THOSE descriptors will ever be applied to "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen."

A movie does not have to be EITHER "entertaining and fun" or "a great film." Believe it or not, it can be both. For evidence, you merely have to look at last year. "The Dark Knight" was as big a blockbuster as they come, made millions of dollars, and was also a huge critical success. So was "WALL-E." So was "Star Trek," earlier this summer. A film can satisfy both the masses and hardcore film buffs (as critics are), and when it accomplishes that, it is usually a wonderful thing to behold. And those are the movies which live on well past the initial burst of the initial marketing campaign.

I should point out that I am saying all this having not seen "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" myself. I do not know what I think of the movie. I saw and enjoyed the first one. Most of the people I've talked to seem to think the second is a major step down. I probably will see it, since a.) I get free passes and b.) I have plenty of friends who want to see it, too. My point in writing this is to reject the opinion the writer of the Yahoo article seems to hold...that any box office success a film achieves is enough to call into question any criticism directed at it. If we are to appreciate movies as art, we must not let commerce influence our opinion of its success. For us as individuals, the success of a film must be measured solely on its impact on us as a moviegoer. How many other people are seeing it does not matter nearly as much as what it means to you as an experience. Some of the best movies I've ever seen, I saw alone. Some of the worst, I was surrounded by hundreds.

OSCAR PICKS!

Skipping all the shorts and docs and short docs that no one's seen...

SOUND MIXING:
Should Win: WALL-E. For creating a thoroughly engrossing audio world with no real-life base to draw from.
Will Win: Dark Knight. Also deserving.

SOUND EDITING: Just paste WALL-E and Dark Knight down here, too.

CINEMATOGRAPHY:
Should Win: Dark Knight. Both for its amazingly evocative visuals and for balancing its traditional and IMAX filmmaking so flawlessly.
Will Win: Benjamin Button. It's epic and it's pretty.

ART DIRECTION:
Should Win: Dark Knight, for creating a sense of heightened realism while still feeling evocative of film noir and comic books.
Will Win: Benjamin Button. It's epic and it's yadda yadda.

COSTUME DESIGN:
Should Win: Benjamin Button. Remarkably evocative of time and place.
Will Win: Button. You take the Most Fabric rule, add it in with the Period Piece rule, and ya got a winner.

VISUAL EFFECTS:
Should Win: Benjamin Button. Amazing, revolutionary work that sets a new high bar, and redeems a mediocre story.
Will Win: Button. Dark Knight is possible, but Button's technical breakthroughs will outshine it.

MAKE-UP:
Should Win: Benjamin Button, with a nod to Hellboy's amazingly imaginative designs.
Will Win: Button.

EDITING:
Should Win: Slumdog. Awesome storytelling at a breakneck pace.
Will Win: Slumdog. Always bet on the one with the most cuts.

BEST SONG:
Should Win: "The Wrestler" by Bruce Springsteen. Oh, wait, IT DIDN'T GET NOMINATED. Whutsupwitdat, Academy?
Will Win: "Jai Ho" from Slumdog. Really a coin flip between the Slumdog nominees.

BEST SCORE:
Should Win: WALL-E. Its evocative score is more critical in its storytelling than any of the other nominees.
Will Win: Slumdog. Also powerful and haunting, in a different way.

BEST ANIMATED FILM:
Should Win: WALL-E. Do I even have to elaborate?
Will Win: WALL-E. If either Bolt or Kung-Fu Panda win, I will personally riot. Well, maybe not, but I'll be very confused.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
Should Win: WALL-E. Such a brilliant, quirky script with genuine heart.
Will Win: Milk. A lot of people are gonna wanna honor it somewhere, and this is their chance. Unless...we'll get there soon.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
Should Win: Frost/Nixon. Absolutely riveting.
Will Win: Slumdog Millionaire. The Reader may pull the upset if it gets support higher up, but I still think this is Danny Boyle's night.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Should Win: Heath Ledger. He redefined an iconic villain in a film that relied on his performance. A fitting swan-song for an incredible talent.
Will Win: Ledger. Period.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Should Win: Marisa Tomei. Her performance was absolutely heartbreaking, and a second Oscar would finally shut Rex Reed up.
Will Win: Viola Davis. A memorable turn with limited screentime, and it makes for a great story to boot.

BEST ACTOR:
Should Win: I'm torn. Rourke was amazing in The Wrestler, as was Penn in Milk. But Frank Langella crafted a Richard Nixon that was a full character, not a caricature or simple imitation. He made Nixon human, which made his actions and downfall all the more tragic. So I'm going with Langella here.
Will Win: It's a two horse race between Rourke and Penn. Both are amazing work. Rourke winning is the better story, and he's won all the early awards, but will the WrestleMania connection hurt him? Penn is perhaps our best actor, but he just won a few years ago. Head says Rourke, gut says Penn. I toss a coin and...go with Mickey Rourke.

BEST ACTRESS:
Should Win: Kate Winslet. She's been nominated SIX times, she's been one of Hollywood's best performers for a long time, and her ability is the only thing that made her character's choices in the film somewhat comprehensible.
Will Win: Winslet. The Weinstein campaigning will have SOME effect, and I think it'll be here.

BEST DIRECTOR:
Should Win: Danny Boyle. He's been one of the best filmmakers on the outskirts of the Hollywood mainstream for a long time. This one is his invitation in.
Will Win: Boyle. Two words: Director's Guild.

BEST PICTURE:
Should Win: Frost/Nixon. I've struggled with this category for a long time, and I'm just gonna go with my gut. Slumdog and Milk are also brilliant and powerful, but Frost/Nixon had me more involved than any of them. Just amazing filmmaking.
Will Win: Slumdog Millionaire. Reader and Milk are contenders for different reasons, but I've seen nothing that will knock Slumdog off its perch.

So, what are YOUR picks? :)

A Quote and An Optimistic Hope

-I swear this blog is not just de-evolving into an endless stream of Ebert quotes, but another one occurred to me today that I think is amazingly appropriate right now, given what happened out in California...

"It's a good thing the Bill of Rights is more or less hewn in stone, because I suspect that at any given moment you could get a majority of Americans to vote against it. Oh, they're in favor of their own rights. They take those for granted. It's the other guy's rights that gnaw at them." - Roger Ebert, Drop Squad review

-And on a much less serious note, man, I really hope Jeffrey Tambor isn't kidding. :) :) :)

This land was made for you and me

Once again, Roger puts it better than I ever could.

Congrats, Barack. Now get to work. :)

VOTE!....for the Scariest Bad-Ass of Them All!

Cast your vote...who would win the Ultimate Halloween Battle Royale?!?!?! Your contestants:

Freddy
Jason
Michael Myers
Dracula
Frankenstein's Monster
Alien
Predator
Godzilla
Ash

Send me your vote via text, e-mail, wall posting, or however you want! Write-in candidates accepted! Let me know by Wednesday night, the 29th! Why? You'll see... (insert devious laugh here)

Jigsaw's Bucket List

Found on a pad of paper next to John "Jigsaw" Kramer's makeshift hospital bed...

Phew! Got a lot to get done before I croak. Okay, lessee...

-Design and build traps for the two games that will be going on simultaneously while I'm dying. No, wait, make that three games, Amanda's being tested, too. (Hope she doesn't see this note.)

-Kidnap and set up the 3 victims for Jeff's game. The woman and the judge, no prob, but the medical student may be a bit of a hassle. Those young whippersnappers today...

-Kidnap and set up the 3 victims for Rigg's game. Oh, wait, that's 5 victims, need to grab the lawyer and some other guy for the collar trap. Geez, how many people are involved in this one?

-Oh, shoot. Gotta kidnap Jeff, Rigg and Jeff's wife, too. That makes, what, 11 in all? Whoa, hope I'm not forgetting anybody.

-To Buy: 400 yards of rusty chain, freezer-proof tubing, at least 30 decomposing pig corpses, a rack (what's the best deal one can get on those these days?), an automatic hair puller, eye gouger, 3 different guns and corresponding bullets, exploding collar, a few motors, large block of ice...no, make that THREE large blocks of ice (got a kooky idea!), an electric chair (non-functioning is ok), miscellaneous timers, 15 or so monitors and oodles of security cameras, parts to make more of those damn dolls, and, of course, about 50 mini-cassette recorders and tapes. Hope Sony's happy, I'm single-handedly keeping their micro-cassette division in business.

-Oh, darn it...kidnap Jeff's daughter, too. That makes 12.

-Record enigmatic and creepy narration for each trap on micro-cassette or VHS. Be careful not to switch tapes accidentally. That poor guy in the guillotine who ended up watching "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" never stood a chance.

-Coat post-mortem cassette with wax and swallow. Need to add one candle to the Buy list. Preferably unscented. Don't wanna die with the smell of "Lilac Paradise" or something on my breath.

-Go over battle plan with Amanda and Hoffman. Apart, if possible, they don't know about each other yet. Or do they? Damned if I can remember.

-Get files on next set of victims for Hoffman. Of course, only Hoffman has access to those files, so...get Hoffman to get files. Then give them back to him.

-Plan out next set of traps for next game for Hoffman, but he can build them his own damn self. I got enough on my plate as it is, doncha think?

-Okay, if Amanda kills Jeff's wife and if Jeff kills her, then if the FBI guy kills Jeff after Jeff kills me, remind Hoffman to close the door behind him. If any of the ifs don't happen...um, haven't thought that far ahead. Let's just hope it all works out. Fingers crossed!

-Watch "Citizen Kane." This is probably my last chance. Have Amanda make popcorn in the incineration pit.

-Oh, crap...kidnap the female cop for the rib-split trap. That's 13. That's the last one. I'm sure. If I'm wrong, may my throat be cut with a buzz-saw. Oh, yeah...

-Add buzz-saw to the Buy list.