Update

This just in: Olympic gold medalist Rulon Gardner had a barrel of bricks fall on his head this afternoon when he passed by a construction site. He proceeded to shrug, brush off his shoulders, and continue to walk down the street to the local Starbucks, where he purchased a tall Mocha Cappuccino with cinnamon.

More updates as events warrant.

Memo to Rulon Gardner

Now, maybe this is just me talking, but after this latest incident, if I were you, I'd strongly consider never leaving the house again.

I mean, many of us would be lucky to go a whole lifetime and only once have to, say, get stranded in the wildnerness and lose a toe to frostbite, or get impaled by an arrow, or survive a terrible motorcycle accident, or crash a plane into 40 degree water and swim an hour, somehow avoiding hypothermia. And yet, in your lifetime, somehow ALL these things have happened to you.

I don't believe in fate, but methinks you should seriously quit while you're ahead. Who knows, next week you could be walking down the street and get broadsided by a tractor trailer carrying 30,000 pounds of bananas or something.

Or maybe we should look at it another way: he's Superman. He's been through all this and somehow has come out none the worse for wear. Hell, he even won another Olympic medal. Maybe he's a strange visitor from another planet with recooperative powers far beyond those of mortal men.

Or maybe not. All I'm saying is, if an extremely barrel-chested masked man suddenly starts thwarting crimes across the country, don't be surprised.

Question...

How can I be such a big fan of the man for such a high percentage of my adult life not realize that it's spelled ScorSese, not ScorCese? Now I just feel stupid.

But he still has an Oscar, so I'm happy. :)

Oscar Thoughts and Results

A few cursory Oscar thoughts…

-Weather conditions meant that the planned trip to Lindsey’s place to watch the show had to be scrapped, which seriously bummed me out. I’m sorry, Linds! I’ll be out that way soon, I promise! Instead, thanks to the wonderful hospitality of the Shannon family, I was able to watch the show at their place, which was tremendous fun. Thanks again!

-I was overall very pleased with how the show turned out, at least from a standpoint of who got the awards. My picking sucked (as you will soon see), but more often than not, my “should win” ended up with the statue. So I was happy most of the way.

-I was less pleased with the production of the show itself. The fault lies not with Ellen DeGeneres, who did a terrific job as host and is welcome back whenever she wants. But the show this year was an oddly-produced slog through endless video packages and utterly pointless silhouette shows, and the producers decided the best way to maintain interest in the show was to put virtually ALL the categories people care about near its end. Even the traditional show-opening Best Supporting awards were pushed back, and we opened with some technical awards instead. And the timing between presentations seemed way off…at one point, we went from one commercial break to another without giving out a single Oscar, which is a first to my recollection. The show went nearly 4 hours and felt longer. Much tighter production will be needed next year.

-But Ellen was great as host. A much more laid back personality than your traditional Oscar fare, Ellen freely wandered the crowd and backstage, giving her work a much looser feel. Two favorite moments: Submitting a screenplay to Martin Scorcese and getting a photo with Clint Eastwood (taken by Steven Spielberg) for her MySpace page.

-Another favorite bit: Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly doing a musical number in tribute to the comedic actors who never get nominated. Reilly: “I was in both Boogie AND Talledega Nights!”

-First surprise of the night: Alan Arkin winning Best Supporting Actor over much-predicted-favorite Eddie Murphy. Could “Norbit” have really done that much damage, or did Arkin’s work and status as an elder-statesman of the craft win over voters? Maybe a little of A and a little of B.

-Second surprise of the night: “Pan’s Labyrinth,” which had been winning technical Oscars hand-over-fist, gets shunned in the Best Foreign Language Film category, as the award instead goes to Germany’s “The Lives of Others.” Who the hell booked that one? Admittedly, I haven’t seen the film, but this award was as much a given as the year “Crouching Tiger” won. Making it more confusing was the director’s acceptance speech, where he apparently thanked, of all people, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Bwa?

-Another funny bit: Al Gore apparently getting ready to announce his candidacy but being cut off by the orchestra for being over time.

-Speaking of Mr. Gore, “An Inconvenient Truth” won big, as the film not only received the Best Documentary Oscar, but Melissa Etheridge’s “I Need to Wake Up” won in an upset over three original songs from “Dreamgirls” (a moment that produced the night’s first pleasantly surprised shout of “YES!” from me). It was clear Gore was one of the stars of this Oscar year, as in addition to the above comedy bit, “Truth” received a standing ovation with its victory, he was thanked by everyone onstage connected with the win and by Etheridge in her speech, as well.

-Mental note: if it’s at all possible, seek out Best Short Live Action Film winner “West Bank Story,” which looks HILARIOUS.

-Jennifer Hudson’s win for “Dreamgirls” was expected, but her acceptance speech was emotional and lovely. She was also extremely fun to watch performing the aforementioned original numbers from the film, though we had a near-wardrobe-malfunction involving the dress she wore in said numbers, illustrating quite well the dangers of combining large amounts of cleavage and low-cut dresses. ;)

-The main performance awards also went as expected, though some (such as Heather) were quite disappointed with Peter O’Toole’s loss in Best Actor. I love Peter, too, but I can’t argue with Forest Whitaker’s win for his work in “Last King,” which was marvelous. Helen Mirren’s win was also well-deserved.

-As always, the memorial video brings a lump to your throat, as we lost more great people this year than I recalled, ending with an image of Robert Altman, to terrific applause both in Hollywood and at Heather’s place.

-When Francis Ford Coppola, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas ALL come to the stage to present the award for Best Director, you kinda get the feeling that they kinda knew who was walking away with the trophy this time. Yep, Martin Scorcese finally, finally, BY GOD FINALLY wins a damn Oscar, though by this point it’s the award that benefits from Scorcese’s victory more than Scorcese does, as one of the big blemishes against the Academy (our greatest director has received no hardware) has finally been righted. Martin’s classic first line, after the long standing ovation: “Could you double-check the envelope?” :)

-I guess I should have seen it coming early on, with the surprising lack of wins for “Babel” (it ended up winning but one award, for its score) and the high number of wins for “The Departed” (which had won for screenplay, editing and director). Still, I was very nicely shocked at “Departed”’s win for Best Picture, which marks the second year in a row that Jack Nicholson has pleasantly surprised me in reading out the winner. I may have been rooting for “Letters from Iwo Jima,” but I loved “The Departed,” too, and its win was a great exclamation point on a great night for Marty. All in all, a tremendously enjoyable Oscarcast, hampered only by the questionable production choices.

And now, the winners, and my picks…well, at least I cleared .500...

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS:
Will Win: “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”
Should Win: “Superman Returns”
Did Win: “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” (1 for 1)

BEST SOUND MIXING:
Will Win: “Dreamgirls”
Should Win: “Dreamgirls”
Did Win: “Dreamgirls” (2 for 2)

BEST SOUND EDITING:
Will Win: “Letters from Iwo Jima”
Should Win: “Letters from Iwo Jima”
Did Win: “Letters from Iwo Jima” (3 for 3)

BEST ORIGINAL SONG:
Will Win: “Listen,” “Dreamgirls”
Should Win: “I Need to Wake Up,” “An Inconvenient Truth”
Did Win: “I Need to Wake Up,” “An Inconvenient Truth” (3 for 4)

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE:
Will Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Should Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Did Win: “Babel” (3 for 5)

BEST MAKEUP:
Will Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Should Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Did Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth” (4 for 6)

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM:
Will Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Should Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Did Win: “The Lives of Others” (WTF?!?!?!?) (4 for 7)

BEST EDITING:
Will Win: “Babel”
Should Win: “The Departed”
Did Win: “The Departed” (4 for 8)

BEST DOCUMENTARY:
Will Win: “An Inconvenient Truth”
Should Win: “An Inconvenient Truth”
Did Win: “An Inconvenient Truth” (5 for 9)

BEST COSTUME DESIGN:
Will Win: “Dreamgirls”
Should Win: “Marie Antoinette”
Did Win: “Marie Antoinette” (5 for 10)

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY:
Will Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Should Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Did Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth” (6 for 11)

BEST ART DIRECTION:
Will Win: “Dreamgirls”
Should Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Did Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth” (6 for 12)

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE:
Will Win: “Cars”
Should Win: “Cars”
Did Win: “Happy Feet” (6 for 13)

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
Will Win: “Babel”
Should Win: “The Queen”
Did Win: “Little Miss Sunshine” (6 for 14)

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
Will Win: “The Departed”
Should Win: “The Departed”
Did Win: “The Departed” (7 for 15)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Will Win: Jennifer Hudson, “Dreamgirls”
Should Win: “Jennifer Hudson,” “Dreamgirls”
Did Win: “Jennifer Hudson,” “Dreamgirls” (8 for 16)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Will Win: Eddie Murphy, “Dreamgirls”
Should Win: Alan Arkin, “Little Miss Sunshine”
Did Win: Alan Arkin, “Little Miss Sunshine” (8 for 17)

BEST ACTRESS:
Will Win: Helen Mirren, “The Queen”
Should Win: Helen Mirren, “The Queen”
Did Win: Helen Mirren, “The Queen” (9 for 18)

BEST ACTOR:
Will Win: Forest Whitaker, “The Last King of Scotland”
Should Win: Forest Whitaker, “The Last King of Scotland”
Did Win: Forest Whitaker, “The Last King of Scotland” (10 for 19)

BEST DIRECTOR:
Will Win: Martin Scorcese, “The Departed”
Should Win: Martin Scorcese, “The Departed”
Did Win: Martin Scorcese, “The Departed” (11 for 20)

BEST PICTURE:
Will Win: “Babel”
Should Win: “Letters from Iwo Jima”
Did Win: “The Departed” (11 for 21)

Oscar Picks '07

As I’ll be on the road to watch the Oscars at Lindsey’s place, I figure it’s now or never to make my Oscar picks, and thus give you all the chance to revel in my failures again. My “should wins” will follow, as usual, and we’re skipping all the short subjects and categories no one’s seen, as usual.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS:
We can throw “Poseidon” out right away, leaving us with two summer blockbusters, both of which had excellent effects, and used them well to either further their story or leave us with a sense of grandeur. “Superman” was the better film, “Pirates” had the better effects. Toss a coin…
Will Win: “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”
Should Win: “Superman Returns”

BEST SOUND MIXING:
No one can define this category beyond the folks who vote for the nominees, so go for the one whose sound is most critical in its storytelling. That’d be “Dreamgirls,” which we’ll want to give a buncha statues in an effort to make up for its complete shut-out in the top category. And I think it deserves it, too.
Will Win: “Dreamgirls”
Should Win: “Dreamgirls”

BEST SOUND EDITING:
We’re leaning more toward the sound effects (i.e. Foley work) here, so go for the loudest film. That’s either half of Eastwood’s Iwo Jima epic, and since it was nominated for Best Picture, figure it’ll go to “Letters from Iwo Jima.” Either half could win and I’d be happy.
Will Win: “Letters from Iwo Jima”
Should Win: “Letters from Iwo Jima”

BEST ORIGINAL SONG:
The three nominees from “Dreamgirls” are three of the least memorable songs in the film, really, and don’t really represent the whole of the film very well. It’s understandable, as they’re all the new songs written specifically for the film, and all the best stuff has been heard on stage before. I’d still guess that one of them is going to win; probably “Listen,” the splashiest song of the three. Of the rest, “Our Town” is just plain dull, while “I Need to Wake Up” is an emotionally powerful song which never fails to stir me when I hear it, and sums up the theme of “An Inconvenient Truth” beautifully. By all rights, it should win.
Will Win: “Listen,” “Dreamgirls”
Should Win: “I Need to Wake Up,” “An Inconvenient Truth”

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE:
Kind of an odd selection, here. Most of these films were not exactly memorable for their music. My gut tells me that “Pan’s Labyrinth,” with its haunting and evocative melodies, is basically a shoe-in, and it deserves to be.
Will Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Should Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”

BEST MAKEUP:
As always, we go for the film which used the most latex, and of these three, that goes to “Pan’s Labyrinth,” a film with some of the most imaginative visuals in years. If either “Apocalypto” or “Click” (freaking CLICK!) win this award, I’ll get as angry as someone can possibly get at the winner of a “Best Makeup” Oscar.
Will Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Should Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM:
Come on.
Will Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Should Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”

BEST EDITING:
You go for most quick cuts in a category like this, under the usual heading of “flashiest job = Oscar.” That’s either “Babel” or “The Departed,” probably, and if we’re looking at a category like this as a sign of things to come, I’d guess “Babel” is taking this one. “The Departed” uses its editing to establish story and mood much better, though.
Will Win: “Babel”
Should Win: “The Departed”

BEST DOCUMENTARY:
I’ve only seen two of the five nominees, which is my failing, as the other three sound fascinating. My guess, though, is that “An Inconvenient Truth” is such a powerful and important film that it’d take one of the best docs of all time to knock it off here. “Jesus Camp” is an excellent film which tries hard to be as neutral as possible, perhaps to a fault (as the deleted scenes on the DVD seem to indicate that the filmmakers had footage which would have been even more damaging). But “Truth” is a powerful and emotional film by an individual whose political views are quite simpatico with the voters’. It’ll win, and it certainly should.
Will Win: “An Inconvenient Truth”
Should Win: “An Inconvenient Truth”

BEST COSTUME DESIGN:
As a corollary to the “most latex” rule, most fabric usually wins here. This year, though, I’m betting we’ll still wanna make it up to “Dreamgirls” that it got snubbed up higher on the list, so we’ll give it this one instead. I’d personally go for the lush look of “Marie Antoinette”’s costumes, myself.
Will Win: “Dreamgirls”
Should Win: “Marie Antoinette”

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY:
Prettiest film wins. Here that’s “Pan’s Labyrinth,” which evokes more mystery with its visuals than most films can even dream of.
Will Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”
Should Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”

BEST ART DIRECTION:
My two regular winners collide here, as both “Pan” and “Dreamgirls” are nominated. Head-to-head, my gut says that “Dreamgirls” will sweep most of its categories in a grand gesture of atonement, so go with it here. But “Pan’s” is a better film with much more imaginative sets.
Will Win: “Dreamgirls”
Should Win: “Pan’s Labyrinth”

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE:
I have NO idea what anyone is seeing in “Monster House” (especially Roger), and I can’t see that one winning. “Happy Feet” may skate by on its themes, but how many people have you heard defend it as a movie? My gut says that “Cars” will rack up another victory for Pixar, and of the nominees, it’s pretty clearly the best film.
Will Win: “Cars”
Should Win: “Cars”

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
Most of our Best Picture nominees reside here, so this could be an early hint as to where the big statue is going. If “Little Miss Sunshine” is gonna shock the world (well, more like mildly surprise at this point), it’ll win. If not, it’ll go to “Babel,” which is the kind of “juggle multiple characters and stories” thing that Oscar voters love. Personally, I’d much rather prefer the witty, literate and fascinating dialogue of “The Queen” to take the statue, even though I didn’t think it was the best of the five films.
Will Win: “Babel”
Should Win: “The Queen”

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
Lots of good films here in an extremely eclectic range of genres. My ample gut tells me that if this is Scorcese’s year (and I believe it is), it is because people just plain like “The Departed,” and with its surprisingly small number of nominations in the performance categories, we’ll want to honor it beyond just the Directing award. And as much as I love “Borat” and would dance in the streets if Sacha Baron Cohen walked away with an Oscar, “The Departed” deserves the statue.
Will Win: “The Departed”
Should Win: “The Departed”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Jennifer Hudson has been the favorite to win this award since the film first got leaked to the press, and nothing in the interim has pried her vice grip on the statue loose. Both the “Babel” performers are excellent in their roles, but they may cancel each other out. They love Cate Blanchett, but has anyone really seen “Notes on a Scandal?” Abigail Breslin may be the spoiler under the Anna Paquin rule, but as much affection as folks have for “Little Miss Sunshine,” I really don’t see her winning. That leaves Hudson, who clearly outshines her fellow “Dreamgirls” and is the kind of newcomer success story Hollywood loves.
Will Win: Jennifer Hudson, “Dreamgirls”
Should Win: Jennifer Hudson, “Dreamgirls”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Now we get interesting. Eddie Murphy has been the favorite for months as well, but there HAS been something in the interim: namely “Norbit,” which came out at the WORST possible time, right when the voters would have the ballots in their hands. Can one bad film wipe out all that good will? I don’t think so: Murphy is still highly respected and this is just the kind of career-revitalizing star turn Oscar loves. Mark Wahlberg is great in “The Departed,” but it’s not flashy enough of a role to really earn him votes. Djimon Hounsou was the emotional center of “Blood Diamond,” but people don’t like “Blood Diamond” as much as “Dreamgirls.” Jackie Earle Haley…okay, seriously, had most anyone HEARD of “Little Children” before the nominations? I’d love to see Alan Arkin’s cantankerous patriarch from “Little Miss Sunshine” win, but methinks this is Eddie’s night.
Will Win: Eddie Murphy, “Dreamgirls”
Should Win: Alan Arkin, “Little Miss Sunshine”

BEST ACTRESS:
Helen Mirren. There is no doubt at all here. Kate Winslet will win an Oscar one day, but not for “Little Children.” Judi Dench already has, and the audience for “Notes on a Scandal” has been sparse at best. Ditto “Volver,” so Penelope Cruz’s chances go the same way. Meryl Streep is one of the great actors of our generation, WAY too good for a flimsy film like “The Devil Wears Prada,” where she tried so hard to make her character three-dimensional it undermined the point of the story. Helen Mirren, delivering one of the great performances in recent years with her “Queen,” basically HAS to win.
Will Win: Helen Mirren, “The Queen”
Should Win: Helen Mirren, “The Queen”

BEST ACTOR:
The field is a little more open here, but not much. Leonardo DiCaprio has been turning in great work for a long time, but I don’t think he’ll win for “Blood Diamond.” Ryan Gosling…come on, “Half Nelson” is even more obscure than “Little Children” was. Will Smith garnered “The Pursuit of Happyness”’s lone nomination, and the movie really doesn’t have much momentum. If there’s a spoiler, it’s Peter O’Toole for “Venus” - rewarding one of the all time greats in the twilight of his career is a grand Oscar tradition. But Forest Whitaker is one of our finest actors, and his Idi Amin in “The Last King of Scotland” is the role of a lifetime.
Will Win: Forest Whitaker, “The Last King of Scotland”
Should Win: Forest Whitaker, “The Last King of Scotland”

BEST DIRECTOR:
This is the year. It HAS to be the year. “United 93” was a great film that treated its subject matter with the utmost respect, but it didn’t get nominated in the big category. “The Queen” is a marvelous movie, but its direction is subtle and understated, which usually doesn’t net you an Oscar. I think “Letters from Iwo Jima” was the best of the five nominees, but Eastwood just won two years ago. That leaves Alejandro González Iñárritu for “Babel,” and if it’s gonna win the big category, he may be the spoiler. BUT, Marty won the Director’s Guild award, which is as close to a lead-pipe cinch as you get in this crazy guessing game. You keep hearing how “The Departed” is not really Scorcese’s best work. Perhaps not. But you know what? It’s still obviously a damn good film. And a lesser Scorcese film is better than most other directors’ masterpieces. This HAS to be the year.
Will Win: Martin Scorcese, “The Departed”
Should Win: Martin Scorcese, “The Departed”

BEST PICTURE:
This field is as wide open as any in years, since maybe 1991 when “The Silence of the Lambs” edged “Beauty and the Beast” and “JFK” to win the statue. Any of the five could conceivably win, and I’d be happy with four of them doing so. “The Departed” is a great thriller from our greatest director. “Little Miss Sunshine” is a light and funny film at its surface, with a surprisingly deep core. “The Queen” is a fascinating piece of speculative history, with the performance of the year added for good measure. And “Letters from Iwo Jima” is a simply amazing film which tells the story of the battle from the usually demonized perspective of the enemy, and finds that there is good and evil in both trenches. My gut, however, tells me that “Babel” is going to win. It’s a complicated film on the subject of racism and communication, and how our presumptions separate us. It’s the kind of film Oscar loves to honor…in fact, THEY JUST DID last year, when “Crash” pulled off its upset. I know one shouldn’t compare apples and oranges, but I found “Crash” to be the far more satisfying film, while “Babel”’s tragedies seemed to hinge far more on silly mistakes and dumb decisions, making the characters less sympathetic in my eyes. But my opinion is the minority, so figure that “Babel” will take home the statue. If I am less than enthusiastic, maybe its because the other four films in the category had so much more impact on me as a moviegoer…none more so than Clint Eastwood’s powerful and haunting treatise on war and humanity.
Will Win: “Babel”
Should Win: “Letters from Iwo Jima”

You know you've made it to the big time...

...when something like this happens.

"I'm not afraid to say it. Dessert has a well-known liberal agenda."

Classic. :)

Happy Singles Awareness Day, You Lucky SOBs!

No, I’m not quite THAT bitter. Yet. :) Hope everyone who is in a relationship has a great Valentine’s Day and does something wonderfully romantic with the one you love.

BUT, as a gentle reminder to be considerate of those not quite as lucky as you, here’s a song I performed last Saturday at the Rumble…

“Third Wheel” by Jeff McGinnis

Hugging, Snuggling
You two, just carrying on
Kissing, Missing
The other when they are gone

Giggling, Wiggling
Maybe you’ll be bride and groom
Adoring, Ignoring
The other guy in the room

The love that you feel is so plain to see
I’m flattered you display it in front of me
But all of these feelings are hard to combat
Excuse me, I’ll be over there kicking the cat

You don’t know how it feels
To be a Third Wheel
Just sitting around while your love so ideal
Just keeps on unfolding
While you two are holding
And so I will make this appeal
Lay off when you’re with the Third Wheel

Pressing, Caressing
While I just sit there and grin
Flying, Sighing
Wonder if there’s any gin

Smiling, Beguiling
You know that I’m out of luck
Flirting, De-shirting
Why don’t you just go and…(cough)?

Now don’t get me wrong, I love you, my friends
But all of this cuteness, it just never ends
So for now I’m asking, just please tone it down
Or I might hop the next bus heading outta town

You don’t know how it feels
To be a Third Wheel
Just sitting around while your love so ideal
Just keeps right on trekking
And you two are necking
Now what’s that, oh yeah, my last meal
Just hold it around the Third Wheel

I know, you’re in love
Forever you‘re bound, and that’s great
Always together
It’s clear you are each other’s mate
But since you’re eternal
And always will be side by side
Can’t you just wait ‘til…
You ain’t around the one guy you hang out with who’s had no luck in romance, oh, since the third grade when that one girl said she’d kiss me and it turned out she was fibbing and then everyone was laughing at me ‘til our graduation, to this day, every so often, I will get another phone call from the kid who sat behind me and he’ll say, “remember Julie?” and he’ll just keep right on laughing ‘til I feel like chugging on the cyanide…

Pleading, Needing
Just a time out from your act
Asking, Masking
Just how I want to react

Lying, Dying
While on each other you fawn
Lagging, Gagging
Just as soon as you have gone

So if you’ll extend me this one courtesy
I will do the same if I’m ever lucky
But if you keep going, then I have a plan
What you do with each other, I’ll do with my hand

You don’t know how it feels
To be a Third Wheel
Just sitting around while your love so ideal
Just keeps on displaying
So just watch me playing
And see just how giddy you feel
Remember that there’s a Third
Don’t know how that occurred
Please keep in mind the Third Wheel!

(And BTW, let us all take a moment to celebrate V-Day with THE experts at romance...the Teen Girl Squad! “You’re blonde and you acknowledged my facial stubbery! Will you be my Valentine?”)

The End of an Era - Rumble 2K7 Results!

In 2004, she put on one of the most impressive performances in the history of the BGSU Rumble by eliminating 7 entrants, a record that still stands. Ever since, she has been one of the perennial entrants into all the events, putting on tremendous performances, but never quite winning the big one. Her career, in fact, seemed to parallel the career of the wrestler whose entrance music she used, Chris Benoit.

Well, last night, like Benoit, she finally won it all. And, like Benoit, did it in record-setting fashion.

AGENT RAYNA (created by Stephanie Ruehl) was the winner of BGSU Rumble 2K7, last eliminating Lelu Dallas (created by Anne Miller). Rayna entered the Rumble at #20, setting a new record for longest Rumble stint by a winner, and eliminated five characters by herself, the most for anyone in this year’s competition.

With Rayna’s victory, Stephanie will receive a Samoa Joe action figure (as soon as she is in town to pick it up… :) ). More importantly, she will receive the eternal bragging rights that she won the last BGSU Rumble ever. It could not go to a more deserving character, or creator.

A few other notable entrants included The Hulk (created by Chris Poltrone), who entered at #16 and lasted until the final four, before finally being eliminated by Ichikawa Danjuro (created by J. Michael Bestul); Mister Rogers (created by Laura Musser) who entered very early and hung around for quite awhile and amassed more than a few eliminations; and classic creation the Minor Miracle (created by Greg Baker), who returned to Rumble competition at number 15 only to be eliminated by newcomer DiViNeViXeN (created by Jodie Taylor).

Attendees to the Rumble, held at world famous Casa de Kristen in Bowling Green, OH, were also treated (???) to a concert of original music by Jeff McGinnis, including such memorable numbers as “I Was Right the First Time,” “A Is for Alphabet” and “Timmy Found Jimmy Buried in the Backyard.” If you would like to hear this concert yourself, just ask Jeff the next time you see him and he’d be happy to do an encore.

They were also treated to the annual Rumble Trivia Contest, won by Laura Musser. With her victory she received a rather disturbing giant Koosh ball, the official BGSU Rumble Soundtrack album (now unavailable in stores everywhere) and a copy of “Superman: The Movie” on DVD. Laura Butera, who finished second, received a copy of “Superman III” on DVD. (Maybe she can use it for a coaster or something.)

All in all, it was a very fun evening, and a fitting end to the BGSU Rumble era. As always, thank you to EVERYONE who made fighters for the event, your participation is what made this so much fun to do over the years. And a special thanks to Laura, Laura, Kristen and Nick for attending last night, I really appreciated it!

I love you all!

-Jeff

Talking About Vaginas

A couple of news items that have popped up about Eve Ensler’s “The Vagina Monologues,” as we approach the show’s annual performances on Valentine’s Day…

1. A theatre in Atlantic City, Florida was receiving complaints about the show’s title being posted on their marquee. Some parents were appalled that they had to explain to a kid what a vagina is. So, instead of telling the parents to grow up, the theatre has decided to change the marquee. It now reads…I SWEAR I am NOT making this up…”The Hoohaa Monologues.”

Yes. “The Hoohaa Monologues.”

No word on what Al Pacino’s character in “Scent of a Woman” has to do with any of this.

2. The BG News has added another piece to their annual tradition, “Conservative Columnist Bashes ‘The Vagina Monologues’.” Last year’s edition, by D.J. Johnson, was masterfully debunked by J. Michael Bestul on his award-winning blog. This year’s, by Dan Lipian, is more wordy, but no less condescending and near-sighted and utterly asinine.

My personal favorite quote: “If women really want to fix the rape and abuse problem, instead of labeling lesbianism, sex and foreplay as liberating recreational activities, they should go through the healing process by acknowledging sex for what it truly is: a beautiful, sacred gift from God.”

Yes, FOREPLAY is EVIL. For SHAME all you women, making men go through that SATANIC activity before the f*cking can commence! And the second any columnist seriously starts citing the G-Man as being crucial to their argument, they should just hand in their credibility on their way out the door.

He then closes with, “For everyone else, do yourselves a favor this Valentine's Day: Instead of attending 'The Vagina Monologues,' go out and tell your significant other how much you love them, buy some chocolates and donate to your favorite women's charity.”

That “donate to your favorite women’s charity” bit sure reads like a tacked on piece of save-your-*ss-ery, doesn’t it? Like the original sentence ended at “buy some chocolates” and that was it. Then someone pointed out that he was basically saying that all the world’s sexual problems could be solved through the corniest of romantic platitudes, and he added the “women’s charity” bit so he came off like a LITTLE less of an insensitive prude. Anyone wanna take bets this guy has not donated to a women’s charity in any way in his entire life?

Hey, dude? You don’t get it. You’ll never get it. “The Vagina Monologues” aren’t meant for you. They weren’t meant for me, either, but you’ll never see me making an *ss out of myself by claiming that they shouldn’t be performed because “they do more harm than good for women.” Silly me, I think women are smart enough to determine that kind of thing themselves, okay?

(Same author’s previous efforts include such gems as: “Keep minimum wage down,” “Bush censure proposal gives terrorists a sense of victory,” and my personal favorite, “John (sic) Stewart contributing to voter apathy.” Hey, Dan? Maybe you should stop and find out how the guy’s NAME IS SPELLED before you claim you can honestly judge how his work effects voter opinion.)

This Blog Entry Hails from Parts Unknown

(NOTE: While this entry is wrestling-oriented, I think it’s funny enough for general-audience enjoyment. So, please, read on!)

Working on the Rumble has put me in mind of one of my favorite wrestling quirks: The blatantly fake hometown. Since everyone has a gimmick of some sort (even if their “gimmick” is basically just a turned-up version of themselves), it stands to reason that a wrestler’s character be given a…suitable place to be from. Some of them are genuine cities which are matched up to their personalities (hence Cactus Jack being from “Truth or Consequences, NM”), where as some are simply undefined concepts (“Parts Unknown,” anyone?). In some cases, though the new “home” is SO bizarre and contrived it sticks out like a sore thumb. Sometimes, it’s done for humorous purposes (ECW did it all the time), but more often, it’s a sign of wrestling bookers having run out of ideas. Here are a few examples of both.

Akeem: From “Deepest, Darkest Africa.” (Well, thank you very much for specifying that. Thank goodness he wasn’t from “Deepest, Fairly-Well-Lit Africa.” I won’t even get into how horrifically racist the gimmick was.)

Arachniman: From “Web City.” (See, he was a Spider-Man rip-off. Marvel sued, and the character quietly returned to Web City to fight such villains as “The Green Gremlin” and “Doctor Squid.”)

The Boogeyman: From “The Bottomless Pit.” (Must be one hell of a commute.)

Marquis Cor Von: From “The Animal Kingdom.” (I say again: He hails from a Disney nature documentary?)

Damien Demento: From “The Outer Reaches of Your Mind.” (Thank god he wasn’t from the INNER reaches, all my best stuff is in there.)

Delirious: From “The Edge of Sanity.” (Hey, I’ve been there. Nice view. There wasn’t much of a guardrail.)

Duke “The Dumpster” Droese: From “Mt. Trashmore.” (I can just see it now: A big stone mountain with Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, Jerry Falwell and Ann Coulter carved into the side.)

Balls Mahoney: From “Nutley, NJ.” (ECW’s hometowns were often deliberately silly, and this was no exception. No offense to the fine people of Nutley, but, come on.)

Miscellaneous Foreign Wrestlers: From “Just The Name of the Country.” I.E., “From Germany.” (They’re not from any specific city, but the whole country, eh? I love ROH, but it’s a little ridiculous announcing that Kobashi hails from “Japan.” So he lives in the WHOLE country? Well, no one city is big enough to contain that much awesomeness.)

Hack Myers: From “The Last House on the Left.” (Wes Craven must have been filming there when he was a kid.)

The Patriots: From “WCW Special Forces.” (Yes, apparently WCW had its own elite commando unit on staff at all times. This tag team was made up of a military guy and a firefighter. All we needed was a Native American and a cop and they could start recording disco.)

Sabu: From “Bombay, Michigan.” (Explanation: Sabu was always billed as being from Bombay. But he’s really from Michigan. Recognizing the fact that their hardcore fans knew this, ECW decided to have a little fun with it and announce him as hailing from “Bombay, Michigan.” It’s still a little weird.)

Shark Boy: From “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.” (I love Shark Boy, but couldn’t he be billed from somewhere, I dunno, a little more possible? Like, say, Amity Island?)

The Stalker: From “The Environment.” (Well, we’re ALL from the environment, dude. This is like saying, “From some space somewhere on the planet.”)

Tracey Smothers (in ECW): From “Italy, the Nashville section.” (More explanation: The joke with the F.B.I. was that only ONE member of the group was actually Italian and the rest were pretending to be. Hence, Tracey, a dyed-in-the-wool Tennessee boy, was dubbed thusly. Funnier still was watching his “authentic Italian dance,” certifiably the worst dancing on the face of the Earth with the possible exception of the Sandman.)

The Undertaker: From “Death Valley.” (I know, it’s a classic, but have you ever BEEN to Death Valley? NOTHING lives there. That’s why it’s called DEATH VALLEY. A personal favorite line: When WrestleMania was in Houston one year, the Undertaker noted at a press conference that Houston was his hometown, then quipped, “Betcha didn’t know Death Valley was in Houston.” :) )

Issac Yankem, D.D.S.: From “Decatur, Illinois” (DECAY-tur, get it? Oh, Vince, you master of the witty pun, you.)

The Zodiac: From “The Land of Ying and Yang.” (Is that south of Albuquerque?)

(Wrestling fans: Did I forget any good ones? Let me know!)

BGSU Rumble 2K7! This Saturday! Here's what's happening!

Okay, I lied. You get to see who made what character before the Rumble. :)

THE CARD:

THE “HEY, WHO’S HERE?” HOEDOWN
The first 6 attendees who have created fighters will be entered into a 6-Way Hardcore Match for bragging rights

THE JOSS WHEDON 4-WAY
Glory (Kristen Heller) vs. Jayne Cobb (Ryan Halfhill) vs. Malcolm Reynolds (Mark Cloete) vs. Rupert Giles (Hanna Muessling)

THE KING-OF-ALL-MEDIA ELIMINATION CHAMBER
Devi (Lindsey Doe) vs. Dr. Frank N. Furter (Heather Cloete) vs. Lelu Dallas (Anne Miller) vs. Mr. Rogers (Laura Musser) vs. Nigel Tufnel (Laura Butera) vs. Ugly Betty (Jessica Mitolo)

THE RUMBLE LEGENDS SHOWDOWN
Agent Rayna (Stephanie Ruehl) vs. The Goon (Kevin Duff) vs. The Hulk (Chris Poltrone) vs. The Human Seat Check (Matt Hirth) vs. Leder Hosen (Dennis Chastang) vs. The Minor Miracle (Greg Baker)

And the BGSU RUMBLE itself, featuring all the above fighters AND…
Agent Paul Smecker (Beth Wander)
Divine Vixen (Jodie Taylor)
Dr. Gregory House (Kurt Becker)
Ichikawa Danjuro (J. Michael Bestul)
Lindsey “The Best” Ruehl (Lindsey Ruehl)
Mini-Mathias (Matt Fossa)
Pl!nkie McPl!nkerson (Caitlin Skaff)
Revancha (Andy Kemp)
Rob Gordon (John Serve)
Slow Loris (Lisa Fulton)
Steven Seagal (Diane Shannon)
Synch (James Williams)
The Teacher (John Hildebrand)
Varien (Amanda Myers)

Also, before the event, not ONLY will there be the BGSU Rumble Trivia Quiz for prizes, but there will be…

The “Yes, Jeff McGinnis Is Actually Singing For You” Mini-Concert, featuring 6 of my original songs performed for you. I’ll probably be performing a cappella, as I have yet to find a freeware music-writing program that turns out results to my liking, but no worries, the beautiful sound of my oh-so-melodious voice will carry you on a musical whirlwind tour the likes of which you will never forget. No matter how long you try.

So it’s:
The Jeff Mac Mini-Concert
The BGSU Rumble Trivia Quiz
The Four Preliminary Matches
The BGSU Rumble itself
Games and fun afterward
Snacks and Beverages provided (BYOB, though)

All for the low, low price of FREE! It’ll be this Saturday, February 10th at 8:00 p.m. at Kristen’s place in BG (see the official event invites on MySpace or Facebook for an address, or just write me and ask)! I really would love it if a lot of you guys can come - I’d love to end the BGSU Rumble era on a high note, and I’m working hard to make this a really fun night for everyone who can make it. Besides, it’s just more fun when the place is packed!

Meantime, I love each and every one of you! Hope to see you there!

-Jeff Mac

Congrats...

Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts on winning what was truly one of the most odd Super Bowls I have ever seen. Weather conditions ruled the day, with multiple turnovers as a result. Heather dubbed it "Rain Bowl," which might just stick. It was certainly never BORING, and as close as an utterly one-sided football game could be (after the first two scores, the Bears pretty much stunk the whole rest of the game). Besides, Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy are true class acts, and it's great to see them win the big one. Congrats, dudes.

Hmm, with the Super Bowl now out of the way, it seems like there's still some big event around the corner. This Saturday at 8, I think? :) More details on the card tomorrow!

The Surest Way to Lose an Argument...

From MSNBC.com, and thanks to J. for pointing out this article...

"'It’s clear the intent was to get attention by causing fear and unrest that there was a bomb in that location,' Assistant Attorney General John Grossman said at their arraignment.

"The 1-foot tall signs, which were lit up at night, resembled a circuit board, with protruding wires and batteries. Most depicted a boxy, cartoon character giving passersby the finger — a more obvious sight when darkness fell.

"The men did not speak or enter their own pleas, but they appeared amused and smiled as the prosecutor talked about the device found at Sullivan Station underneath Interstate 93, looking like it had C-4 explosive.

"'The appearance of this device and its location are crucial,' Grossman said. 'This device looks like a bomb.'

"Some in the gallery snickered."

No sh*t.

I mean, come ON, LOOK at that thing! It looks like a Lite-Brite with a battery pack at the bottom. And it is quite clearly depicting what appears to be a Tetris piece flipping someone off. If THAT was designed and intended to look like a bomb, then bomb design has gotten truly strange over the years.

And keep in mind, things were up for THREE WEEKS before anyone said anything, and only when the first one got blown up and media started getting all out-of-breath about the whole thing and panic started to set in were any more of them reported.

It has become readily apparent that the majority of folks who saw them took them for what they were: a silly sign. Fewer probably understood what they were promoting, since the Mooninites are not exactly household names, and the name of the show/movie were not on there anywhere.

But then someone got panicky and called the police, who now, after the subsequent media blitz, have to try and save face and explain why they took so seriously a sign with Err flipping them the bird. So instead of a silly misunderstanding, this has been spun into "a deliberate attempt to frighten the public in the name of publicity."

Bzzt. Nice try, guys.