This Blog Entry Hails from Parts Unknown

(NOTE: While this entry is wrestling-oriented, I think it’s funny enough for general-audience enjoyment. So, please, read on!)

Working on the Rumble has put me in mind of one of my favorite wrestling quirks: The blatantly fake hometown. Since everyone has a gimmick of some sort (even if their “gimmick” is basically just a turned-up version of themselves), it stands to reason that a wrestler’s character be given a…suitable place to be from. Some of them are genuine cities which are matched up to their personalities (hence Cactus Jack being from “Truth or Consequences, NM”), where as some are simply undefined concepts (“Parts Unknown,” anyone?). In some cases, though the new “home” is SO bizarre and contrived it sticks out like a sore thumb. Sometimes, it’s done for humorous purposes (ECW did it all the time), but more often, it’s a sign of wrestling bookers having run out of ideas. Here are a few examples of both.

Akeem: From “Deepest, Darkest Africa.” (Well, thank you very much for specifying that. Thank goodness he wasn’t from “Deepest, Fairly-Well-Lit Africa.” I won’t even get into how horrifically racist the gimmick was.)

Arachniman: From “Web City.” (See, he was a Spider-Man rip-off. Marvel sued, and the character quietly returned to Web City to fight such villains as “The Green Gremlin” and “Doctor Squid.”)

The Boogeyman: From “The Bottomless Pit.” (Must be one hell of a commute.)

Marquis Cor Von: From “The Animal Kingdom.” (I say again: He hails from a Disney nature documentary?)

Damien Demento: From “The Outer Reaches of Your Mind.” (Thank god he wasn’t from the INNER reaches, all my best stuff is in there.)

Delirious: From “The Edge of Sanity.” (Hey, I’ve been there. Nice view. There wasn’t much of a guardrail.)

Duke “The Dumpster” Droese: From “Mt. Trashmore.” (I can just see it now: A big stone mountain with Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, Jerry Falwell and Ann Coulter carved into the side.)

Balls Mahoney: From “Nutley, NJ.” (ECW’s hometowns were often deliberately silly, and this was no exception. No offense to the fine people of Nutley, but, come on.)

Miscellaneous Foreign Wrestlers: From “Just The Name of the Country.” I.E., “From Germany.” (They’re not from any specific city, but the whole country, eh? I love ROH, but it’s a little ridiculous announcing that Kobashi hails from “Japan.” So he lives in the WHOLE country? Well, no one city is big enough to contain that much awesomeness.)

Hack Myers: From “The Last House on the Left.” (Wes Craven must have been filming there when he was a kid.)

The Patriots: From “WCW Special Forces.” (Yes, apparently WCW had its own elite commando unit on staff at all times. This tag team was made up of a military guy and a firefighter. All we needed was a Native American and a cop and they could start recording disco.)

Sabu: From “Bombay, Michigan.” (Explanation: Sabu was always billed as being from Bombay. But he’s really from Michigan. Recognizing the fact that their hardcore fans knew this, ECW decided to have a little fun with it and announce him as hailing from “Bombay, Michigan.” It’s still a little weird.)

Shark Boy: From “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.” (I love Shark Boy, but couldn’t he be billed from somewhere, I dunno, a little more possible? Like, say, Amity Island?)

The Stalker: From “The Environment.” (Well, we’re ALL from the environment, dude. This is like saying, “From some space somewhere on the planet.”)

Tracey Smothers (in ECW): From “Italy, the Nashville section.” (More explanation: The joke with the F.B.I. was that only ONE member of the group was actually Italian and the rest were pretending to be. Hence, Tracey, a dyed-in-the-wool Tennessee boy, was dubbed thusly. Funnier still was watching his “authentic Italian dance,” certifiably the worst dancing on the face of the Earth with the possible exception of the Sandman.)

The Undertaker: From “Death Valley.” (I know, it’s a classic, but have you ever BEEN to Death Valley? NOTHING lives there. That’s why it’s called DEATH VALLEY. A personal favorite line: When WrestleMania was in Houston one year, the Undertaker noted at a press conference that Houston was his hometown, then quipped, “Betcha didn’t know Death Valley was in Houston.” :) )

Issac Yankem, D.D.S.: From “Decatur, Illinois” (DECAY-tur, get it? Oh, Vince, you master of the witty pun, you.)

The Zodiac: From “The Land of Ying and Yang.” (Is that south of Albuquerque?)

(Wrestling fans: Did I forget any good ones? Let me know!)