Talking About Vaginas

A couple of news items that have popped up about Eve Ensler’s “The Vagina Monologues,” as we approach the show’s annual performances on Valentine’s Day…

1. A theatre in Atlantic City, Florida was receiving complaints about the show’s title being posted on their marquee. Some parents were appalled that they had to explain to a kid what a vagina is. So, instead of telling the parents to grow up, the theatre has decided to change the marquee. It now reads…I SWEAR I am NOT making this up…”The Hoohaa Monologues.”

Yes. “The Hoohaa Monologues.”

No word on what Al Pacino’s character in “Scent of a Woman” has to do with any of this.

2. The BG News has added another piece to their annual tradition, “Conservative Columnist Bashes ‘The Vagina Monologues’.” Last year’s edition, by D.J. Johnson, was masterfully debunked by J. Michael Bestul on his award-winning blog. This year’s, by Dan Lipian, is more wordy, but no less condescending and near-sighted and utterly asinine.

My personal favorite quote: “If women really want to fix the rape and abuse problem, instead of labeling lesbianism, sex and foreplay as liberating recreational activities, they should go through the healing process by acknowledging sex for what it truly is: a beautiful, sacred gift from God.”

Yes, FOREPLAY is EVIL. For SHAME all you women, making men go through that SATANIC activity before the f*cking can commence! And the second any columnist seriously starts citing the G-Man as being crucial to their argument, they should just hand in their credibility on their way out the door.

He then closes with, “For everyone else, do yourselves a favor this Valentine's Day: Instead of attending 'The Vagina Monologues,' go out and tell your significant other how much you love them, buy some chocolates and donate to your favorite women's charity.”

That “donate to your favorite women’s charity” bit sure reads like a tacked on piece of save-your-*ss-ery, doesn’t it? Like the original sentence ended at “buy some chocolates” and that was it. Then someone pointed out that he was basically saying that all the world’s sexual problems could be solved through the corniest of romantic platitudes, and he added the “women’s charity” bit so he came off like a LITTLE less of an insensitive prude. Anyone wanna take bets this guy has not donated to a women’s charity in any way in his entire life?

Hey, dude? You don’t get it. You’ll never get it. “The Vagina Monologues” aren’t meant for you. They weren’t meant for me, either, but you’ll never see me making an *ss out of myself by claiming that they shouldn’t be performed because “they do more harm than good for women.” Silly me, I think women are smart enough to determine that kind of thing themselves, okay?

(Same author’s previous efforts include such gems as: “Keep minimum wage down,” “Bush censure proposal gives terrorists a sense of victory,” and my personal favorite, “John (sic) Stewart contributing to voter apathy.” Hey, Dan? Maybe you should stop and find out how the guy’s NAME IS SPELLED before you claim you can honestly judge how his work effects voter opinion.)