The Wrestling Observer's Headline Says It All...

"WWE wrestlers are so screwed this time"

Holy cow. Not only does this completely expose the Wellness Policy as totally ineffective (as many of these guys were buying tons of stuff during the period when testing was going on, and apparently none have been caught as of yet), but if these guys are indeed among the ten wrestlers WWE announced it had suspended earlier today, it completely straps the company of a ton of top names when they are already hard hit by injuries. Case by case of the big names:

Randy Orton: Current top challenger to the WWE Title on Raw.

Kennedy: Future main-eventer and has been planned to be Vince's son ever since the angle started.

John Morrison: Current ECW champ, whose insane push has totally buried the only other major star on the brand (CM Punk).

Umaga: Top Raw star and current IC champ.

William Regal: Currently Raw General Manager.

Chavo Guerrero: Being re-built as a heel on Smackdown, challenged Rey at SummerSlam in his comeback match.

Edge: Currently out with injuries, but will be a top heel on Smackdown when he returns.

Helms, Haas and Funaki are lower on the totem pole, but no less significant to this story.

In addition, the SI expose reveals that Benoit and Eddie Guerrero both received steroids from the same source, as did Brian Adams, who also just passed away a few weeks ago.

This has to be as low a point for the company as anything in the past ten years. More thoughts in the days to come. For now, I will leave with two questions:

1. Chavo - after what happened to Eddie, what the hell were you thinking?

2. Is there any way WWE can put EVERY title on CM Punk, right now?

Two Thumbs...uh, I mean, we really liked this movie...

Well, now, THIS has gotta be the weirdest contract issue I've ever heard.

Granted, the whole "thumbs up" thing was invented by Roger, and trademarked by Roger AND Gene way back when, but you reach a slight impasse in negotiations and Disney STRIPS THE THUMBS from the show, just to be safe?

I mean, huh? Ebert's NAME is still attached to the show, but we can't have any thumbs on there until we get this settled? Even Roger seems to be amazed at the silliness of the whole thing. At least the Balcony Archive's content hasn't been affected by all this hooey...yet. (One imagines a WWE-esque editing job where any sign of the offending thumbs have to be blurred out for future usage.)

I can't let this pass without mentioning my favorite personal Ebert anecdote (forgive me if you've read this one before)...back in 1997, I bought Roger's book "Questions for the Movie Answer Man" and noticed that on the cover photo - a picture of Roger cupping his chin, Thinker-style - his hand seemed to be positioned to subtly suggest the classic "Thumbs Up" pose. I wrote to his then-active Movie Answer Man e-mail account to ask if this was intentional. He wrote back, "Someone FINALLY noticed the thumb! Congratulations!"

I responded, "Great! What do I win? :)"

Roger replied, "This: Thumbs Up! - Ebert"

So I can honestly say that, in my lifetime, I got a Thumbs Up from Roger Ebert.

And for right now, I have one more than the show itself does.

Just letting you know...

...I didn't make it.

Naturally I'm disappointed, but I can honestly look myself in the mirror and say that I did my best, and beyond that it was out of my hands. I can walk away from this experience with my head up high.

Thanks again to everyone for their kind wishes, and to Abby, whose friendship and encouragement lead me to throw my hat into the ring in the first place.

What now? Now I wait to see what the future will bring. And maybe, just maybe, try a little more often to make it better.

Sweet Puttin' Cakes!

Sometimes, life can be just plain weird.

It's my 30th birthday. Typically, on or around this day of celebration (yay! I didn't die for another year!), I go out for a round of miniature golf, usually with Abby, as I enjoy the game immensely. But this year, with Abby's injury, I decided to forgo my usual putting routine in favor of seeing movies all day. (Side note: Anyone in the area wanna come with? Gimme a shout! I'll be out all day!)

So today, in a nice birthday surprise, HomestarRunner.com just posted their first new Strong Bad E-mail in a while.

Its subject? Oh, I think you know.

Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Or maybe, since I don't believe in fate, it's just an astounding coincidence. You make the call.

30 Things I've Learned in 30 Years

(Inspired by Dave Barry's list, which I'm sure you've read - whether or not the version you got was the real one being another matter - here's mine, which is a little more serious and introspective. Well, some of it, anyway.)

1. The one thing every member of the human race has in common is, deep down, we all think that the theme from "Shaft" is pretty cool.

2. No matter what, life can always find a way to surprise you. For better or worse.

3. Love is unspeakably wonderful for those who find it, and utter agony for those who don't.

4. The act of creating something is the most fulfilling feeling in the world.

5. The universe is filled with enough beauty and mystery to satisfy several dozen lifetimes full of examination and contemplation.

6. The essential rule of existence is pretty simple, actually: Do what you want, as long as you don't hurt anyone else.

7. Question everything.

8. Soy sauce, as a condiment, works with most everything. Except dessert.

9. The better the movie, the less likely it is that a lot of people will see it.

10. There are few works of art quite as enthralling as a great wrestling match.

11. Music is the language of the soul, but translating that language to paper can be...difficult.

12. Tell her how you feel. Any answer is better than years of doubt.

13. You're gonna make mistakes. That's what makes you human. You sometimes won't apologize for them. That's what makes you an *sshole.

14. Beware of mocking current societal trends, because you'll just have to eat your words when you end up following them, anyway.

15. Comedy is harder than drama, but drama will always win the awards, because when comedy works, it looks easy.

16. Look deeper than skin deep. People who look beautiful, more often than not, spend most of their time doing nothing more interesting than looking beautiful.

17. Life, in general, is ugly and simple. It's up to us to make it more.

18. Just because a lot of people think something doesn't mean it's true. As Penn and Teller pointed out, "...'Candle in the Wind' by Sir Elton John is the best selling song of all time. 'Popular' sure doesn't mean 'right.'"

19. The one thing that we all need more of is empathy.

20. Just be patient, and Saturday Night Live will get good again.

21. You won't find many friends willing to go to the wall for you. When you do, if you let go even for a second, you're a damn fool.

22. No matter what anyone tries to say, looks do matter. Put Fabio and Einstein next to each other and see who the majority of potential sexual suitors walk off with.

23. Despite apparent public perceptions to the contrary, no harm ever comes from looking someone in the eye and saying, "Thank you."

24. There are few personality traits that pay more dividends than the tendency to follow a foolish impulse.

25. The surest sign of a mature human being is their willingness to admit that they don't know everything.

26. Life is too damn short to spend great chunks of it in states of chemically-altered consciousness.

27. Interesting conversation is one of the rarest and most precious commodities.

28. Sometimes, no matter how correct you are, you cannot win the argument. Doesn't mean that it's not worth fighting for.

29. Keep an open mind. Just not so open that your brain falls out.

30. Somebody, somewhere, hates you. Deal with it.

I Made the Top 14!

Yeah, I can't believe it, either!

Short version: I joked with Abby about trying out to be her successor, and she encouraged me to do so. After hearing similar positive feedback from other folks, I went ahead and tried out at the final round of auditions Saturday morning. I thought it went well, but didn't harbor any illusions about my chances...after all, I'm not the most telegenic person in the world, so what are the odds that I'd actually make it?

So imagine my surprise when I got the call yesterday informing me that I had actually advanced to the second round. Who knew?

Another round of auditions comes next week, and we'll see how it goes...wish me luck!

And, oh, in four days I'll be 30! Gulp! :)

*holds up four fingers on each hand*

And that's all I have to say about that.

Aw, I Didn't Get You Guys Anything!

I've gotten an early birthday present from the Ebert and Roeper website...

The Balcony Archive - over 5,000 reviews spanning the past 20 years of the show, including, of course, many featuring Gene. I never thought I'd get to see most of these old shows ever again, and now here they are, at my fingertips.

If you'll excuse me, I'll be busy the next few weeks. :)