Royal Rumble '91

(Note to Andy and Power: Glad you're enjoying 'em! And I'm getting 'em done as quick as I can, Andy! :) )

This is it: The beginning of the end.

Yeah, I’m exaggerating a little bit, as it’s not like the business as a whole, and the WWF in particular, was still surging strongly at the time Royal Rumble ‘91 came about. But it was still damn healthy in 1990, and the Hogan/Warrior dream match ended up drawing nearly 70,000 people to the SkyDome in Toronto for WrestleMania VI. Grand plans were drawn up to hold WrestleMania VII at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, which would hold more than 100,000 people. Sure, maybe they’d have to comp some seats to fill the place, but man, would that sight be impressive.

Instead, the event ended up being held in the slightly less impressive Los Angeles Sports Arena, in front of roughly 20,000 fans. The WWF, to this day, claims that this was NOT due to poor ticket sales - they claim a bomb threat forced them to move locations at the last minute. But WWE is also curiously tight-lipped on how many tickets they had sold for their previously-planned venue. And then the following year, for WrestleMania VIII, the WWF was unable to fill the 60,000 seat Hoosier Dome (large sections of the upper levels sat vacant for a show that supposedly would feature “Hulk Hogan’s Last Match”), even with comp tickets.

Something happened. And I think an angle that was set up and executed to reach a major climax at this show was a big part of it. I think a line of taste was crossed the likes of which the WWF had not really crossed before - a line which previous wrestling promoters had exploited in the past, but that was then and this was now. But all this is prologue. Let’s watch it as it happened and you tell me if you agree.

Royal Rumble 1991
Miami, Florida
1/19/1991

We open with a silent shot of the American flag waving, and then they play the national anthem in the arena. (Which is a switch - typically, the WWF only played/performed “America the Beautiful,” as only the “real” sporting events played the national anthem.) For those who don’t remember, this was just a couple weeks before Operation Desert Storm was to commence, so, as in all wartime situations, patriotism was flying high. So, the WWF, with its history of good taste and tact, looked at this patriotism and asked, “Okay, how can we make money off of this?”

Opening video. Mean Gene does the intro for all the Rumble entrants with cheesy music playing in the background. Hmm, I wonder if they had to overdub this...

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Roddy Piper, who plug how they’re beaming the show free of charge to the Armed Forces Network. Always say this: the WWF/WWE does a lot of good work through the USO to support the troops, from giving them shows for free on TV to doing whole tours in Baghdad on Christmas. That stuff is REALLY cool, and they should be applauded for it. It doesn’t make what they do in this show any less exploitive, though.

The Orient Express (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs. The Rockers
MUSIC ALERT: The Orient Express’s music is overdubbed with what sounds like Kabuki drums, and Howard Finkel overdubs his intro, which he then has to synch to the video because the camera was focused on him. Really weird. The Express are comprised at this point of Pat Tanaka (only known by his last name) and Kato, who is veteran worker Paul Diamond under a mask to hide the fact that he’s not Asian. These two used to team as Badd Company back in the AWA days, but using that name would require Vince McMahon to admit someone other than himself had a good idea in wrestling. The Rockers have been little more than glorified job boys for pretty much their entire WWF tenure, until they finally started winning right around the time of this match. So, you have a reunited veteran team and an up-and-coming young team who is just starting to get a fair shake. What do you get when you put ‘em together? A classic, of course. Everyone is just hitting everything to the nines, and the Rockers are working like they have something to prove. Just great fast-paced stuff throughout, and the crowd is red-hot for the whole thing. Just amazing back-and-forth action for its time period, and it still holds up today. Shawn in particular is filling out into the star he will become. He takes a big double-team clothesline on the top rope to become official Face In Trouble, and as a result gets to do what he does best: Sell like he’s getting murdered by every blow. He takes minutes of punishment on end until one of the most brilliant Race-To-Tag setups ever…the Express tries to double clothesline Shawn with a belt, and he instead dives onto the belt and sends them crashing into each other. Great stuff. Marty gets the tag, House Afire and then, naturally, Hell Breaks Loose. Shawn takes a hellacious bump off the top to the floor, too. The finish is equally brilliant: the Express do a spot where they slingshot Marty into a chop by Tanaka. They try it again, but Shawn hits Tanaka in the guts, doubling him over, and when Marty gets thrown, he turns it into a sunset flip for the pinfall. That’s the kind of brilliant spot-making that made the Rockers so ahead of their time. Great, great opener that totally jazzes the crowd. Sadly, after putting on this great match, the Express would get exactly ONE more WWF PPV match EVER, and the Rockers would be broken up by the time the next Rumble rolled around.

And it all begins…Sean Mooney interviews the Macho King in the back. He says (in Savage-speak) that he’s the greatest champion ever and wants a title shot. Slaughter has told him that if he wins the title, Slaughter will give him a title shot. The Warrior, who Savage has been feuding with for months, has yet to make that commitment. So, Savage has sent Sherri out to “bait” the Warrior. To the arena…

Where Mean Gene is standing with Sherri, who reaffirms what Randy just said, and calls out the Warrior to repsond. Out comes the Warrior (in leather “USA” jacket) to a huge pop. Sherri asks him for a title shot for Savage, as advertised. Warrior does not answer. Sherri responds to this by…well…coming onto him - flirting with him, undressing him with her mouth and then undressing him literally, peeling off his jacket. Then she fondles his hair and rubs his shoulders. Then she kisses him and drops to her knees. She makes the SLIGHTEST gesture toward his shorts and I’m outta here. All the while, she’s telling him how all she wants is a title match for Savage. Finally, Warrior spits her kiss off and yells, “NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” Well, that was pretty…disturbing. Warrior leaves, Savage comes running out through the crowd onto the platform, completely “bent out of shape,” as Gorilla says. There’s your set-up.

The Barbarian (w/ Bobby Heenan) vs. The Big Boss Man
Your storyline: Bobby Heenan and Rick Rude one day decided to start insulting the (now face-turned) Boss Man’s mother for weeks on end. As punishment, the WWF decided to “indefinitely suspend” Rude and force Heenan to wrestle Boss Man himself. Now, bear in mind, this is a company where individuals regularly assault each other outside the confines of the scheduled area of combat, with potentially harmful weapons such as chains, chairs, pipes, sledgehammers and the occasional Humvee. None of these actions results in a suspension. But by god, you insult someone’s mother and it’s ON. Anyway, so the story is that Boss Man has to go through EVERY member of the Heenan Family to get a shot at Heenan. This sounds like a daunting task until you reflect upon the fact that the Family, by this point, had dwindled to three - count ‘em, THREE - members: Haku, The Barbarian (who was now in his fuzzy underwear phase) and Mr. Perfect. Considering that some species of gnat could have been booked to beat Haku at this point in his WWF tenure, the road becomes even less treacherous. So this is the second leg on the Heenan Family tour, with the final Perfect confrontation coming at WrestleMania. Boss Man had gotten a lot of fire in the ring after his face turn, and was really coming into his own as a talent at this point, and the Barbarian isn’t a BAD big man (he was certainly better than his old partner the Warlord, who was built like a brick sh*thouse, though not as mobile). The end result is a surprisingly entertaining match which does not bring the ultra-hot crowd down at all. A long bearhug spot in the middle slows the pace somewhat, but by the time they get to the end, where they’re exchanging near falls, the crowd is really up for it. End comes with the Barbarian trying for one top rope move too many, and the Boss Man uses his momentum to roll on top for the pinfall, to a big pop. Again, a surprisingly good match - I’d even say it was better than the blowoff match with Perfect at WrestleMania.

And now, Sean Mooney interviews Sgt. Slaughter and his manager General Adnan. It occurs to me that I have not, as yet, actually spelled out what the angle is that puts Slaughter in a position to challenge for the WWF title this evening, or, on a grander scale, ruin wrestling as we know it for roughly the next seven years. Oh, how silly of me. See, Sgt. Slaughter, All-American hero, G.I. Joe cast member and eternal Greg-Baker-Monologue-Inspiration, is playing an Iraqi turncoat. Yep, Slaughter spent six months before the war doing nothing but running down the troops and talking up the “glorious” Iraqi nation, and now that the war is just around the corner, his rhetoric has exploded into full-blown conversion. He’s wearing an Iraqi army uniform. He’s got General Adnan (longtime wrestling personality Adnan Al-Kaissie) as his manager, who they hype as one of “Saddam’s highest ranking generals.” And - and this is most galling of all - he’s WEARING POINTY BOOTS. Now, to the layperson, pointy boots would not seem to be the most egregious of his violations, but wrestling fans know that pointy shoes = EVIL. Especially when you hype them as the WWF did, namely, claiming that they were a special gift from Saddam himself. Now, they never outright SAID that, since that would be, well, lying (wrestlers? lie? PERISH the thought), but instead had the announcers say, in a very ironic tone, “We ALL know who gave him THOSE.” So, all this got Slaughter massively over as a heel (for the fans who stayed, anyway), enough that WWF decided to put in motion a plan which would start tonight. So, Slaughter does his usual “America sucks, I’ll win the title for Iraq” interview, while Adnan occasionally rants in Arabic, with the words “Sergeant Slaughter” sneaking in every now and again.

Mean Gene interviews the Warrior to retort. Because he may be an insane, incomprehensible, irrationally violent maniac, but he’s an AMERICAN, by god, and he can stop this invading menace who was a Real American Hero until a few months ago!

WWF Title Match: Sgt. Slaughter (w/ General Adnan) vs. The Ultimate Warrior (champion)
So, Gorilla reads off a big, long, “cover our *sses” disclaimer as Slaughter is introduced, stressing that Slaughter’s views do not reflect the views of the WWF, or of Arab Americans, or of the overwhelming majority of Arabs all over the world. I feel the need to stress again - the Gulf War was just about to start. A very real war during which American soldiers would risk their lives, and many would die before its conclusion. And here is the WWF, while wrapping itself in the flag of patriotism, running an angle where it is cynically taking advantage of that same patriotism for the sake of a few extra PPV buys. Even as a kid, a young fan who just enjoyed the show, it struck me as a little ludicrous. As an adult, it strikes me as one of the most exploitive angles they ever ran, not really matched until the Eddie-sploitation they engaged in this past year. And to think they decide that the only proper thing to do with this angle would be to GIVE SLAUGHTER THE WWF TITLE AND HAVE HIM MAIN EVENT WRESTLEMANIA.

So, here’s how it goes down. Warrior quickly, totally dominates. Rips the Iraqi flag up for a cheap pop. Continues to beat on Slaughter as Adnan “retreats” to the back. Warrior beats on Slaughter with the flag. It keeps going like that for a while. Out comes Sensational Sherri to stand ringside for Slaughter. She grabs Warrior’s leg as he runs the ropes and Warrior, like an idiot, chases her to the floor and follows her back to the entranceway, where he gets blindsided by the Macho King and beaten down with a lighting stand. Ref wants to count Warrior out, but Slaughter stops the count, naturally. Warrior takes roughly a week to crawl back to the ring on his hands and knees, selling more for ONE Randy Savage beating than he has for pretty much everything else in his entire career combined. Slaughter gets him into the ring and takes control, slowly beating him (and I mean SLOWLY…Slaughter was not exactly Chris Benoit at this point in his career). He locks on his finisher, the Camel Clutch (nyuk nyuk), even though Warrior’s legs are CLEARLY outside the ropes, it takes the referee forever to notice this before he finally calls for the break. Slaughter, being a heel, thinks he won. The referee, being a referee, takes his time in telling him he didn’t. Meantime, Warrior is executing his primary offensive move, which is grabbing the ropes and shaking them vigorously. He does his equivalent of Hulking Up and starts beating Slaughter up again, until out comes Sherri AGAIN, this time carrying Savage’s scepter. Warrior pulls her in and picks her up just in time to toss her to the floor and onto the just-arrived Macho King. Boom, Slaughter hits Warrior from behind, boom, Savage nails Warrior with the scepter, boom, Slaughter pulls Warrior onto the mat, 1, 2, 3, new WWF champion. Crowd is in stunned shock. So was I, watching this as a kid. But even with that childhood perspective, I knew there was only one direction they could be going: Hogan “defending America’s honor” and winning the WWF title back at WrestleMania. And that was, indeed, the direction which the WWF went for their biggest show of the year - nay, their biggest show of ALL TIME. And what did it get them? About 20,000 people in the Los Angeles Sports Arena. And, perhaps, the end of the wrestling boom as we knew it. I do not believe it was a coincidence that the WWF, after the debacles of WrestleManias VII and VIII, did not run another major stadium for WrestleMania until Mania XVII, TEN YEARS LATER. Can one angle do that much damage? I think this one did.

Koko B. Ware vs. The Mountie (w/ Jimmy Hart)
What a way to follow that match, eh? BTW, just annoy me more, Koko’s theme song, which was edited out of the Rumble ‘90 DVD, is intact here. Even though THEY’RE ON THE SAME SET. This either means, a.) the legal problem which kept us from using it a DVD ago was settled by the time we made this one, or b.) WWE’s rights department is run by chimpanzees. I am inclined to vote for b.). Anyway, The Mountie is, of course, Jacques Rougeau in a new gimmick, which we are establishing here. He sadly comes out to his old French horn theme and not his later “I’m the Mountie!” theme. Sigh. How the hell did Jacques Rougeau of all people end up getting two of the best wrestling themes of all time? Three, if you count the Quebecers remix of the Mountie theme. Anyway, match is essentially a squash to get the Mountie over. The announcers spend half the match talking about the WWF title debacle. Crowd’s pretty much out of it, too. Anyway, Koko gets beaten up, makes a comeback, and the Mountie hits what looks like a choke slam variation of the Boss Man Slam to get the pinfall. Pretty pointless.

Sean Mooney interviews Randy Savage and Sherri, who gloat about their actions, then beat a hasty retreat upon hearing some rather loud bangs on their dressing room door.

Gorilla and Roddy rant some more about the WWF title match.

And now, to Slaughter and Adnan for their victory speech. I should have noted this before, but the Warrior was a weird sort who liked to paint the leather strap of the title belt different colors for some reason. So here you have Slaughter, who we’re selling as evil incarnate, cutting a gloating promo over how he’s now the champion of the WWF, and the prize he is so grandly talking up is colored BRIGHT PURPLE. Kinds undercuts the somber mood they want us to be in, ya know?

And Gorilla and Roddy rant some MORE about the WWF title match.

And now, just to try and wash the taste out of our mouths, we get a montage of fans sending their love and support to the troops in the Gulf.

Gorilla and Roddy talk about how Hogan will be making a tour of military hospitals. Again, cool stuff.

And now, your pre-Rumble Interview Montage! Jake will win! No, Earthquake will win! No, the Hammer will win! No, the Texas Tornado will win! No, the Legion of Doom will win! (Hawk: “If life is like a roller coaster, then you don’t wanna take a ride on either of us!” Um, okay…) No, The Undertaker will win! (Man, Brother Love was NEVER a good fit for him.) No, Hacksaw will win! No, the Model will win! No, the Bulldog will win! No, Mr. Perfect will win! No, Tugboat will w…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Sorry, I couldn’t say that one with a straight face.

Gorilla and Roddy talk some more. They also plug the upcoming tag team match with DiBiase and Virgil vs. Dusty and Dustin Rhodes, mentioning that Roddy had lunch with Virgil earlier today. Hmm…

Mooney interviews DiBiase and Virgil. DiBiase rants about why Virgil obeys DiBiase’s orders. Virgil glares at him the whole time. Double hmm…

Dusty and Dustin Rhodes vs. “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase and Virgil
This is basically Dustin’s first trip to the dance, as he debuted during Dusty’s feud with DiBiase. And, if the last two segments didn’t drill the point home enough, they’d been running vignettes for weeks leading up to this with DiBiase “training” for this match by having Virgil massage his toes and wipe cow sh*t off his boots. As a result, pretty much everyone knew what was gonna happen, but seeing as how we’d been waiting for it for YEARS, that was fine. You know how green Dustin was his first few years? Well, he’s EVEN GREENER here. And he does the majority of the work for his team. Virgil, meanwhile, was apparently a damn good worker before his stint as Ted‘s bodyguard, and shows that off here. Anyway, the match isn’t anything great, just basically a backdrop for the angle that will follow it. Dustin becomes official Face In Trouble when he hurts his knee in the corner, setting up the psychology for the rest of the match. Ted and Virgil beat on the knee for a few minutes, then try the “I Hold Him, You Hit Him” spot, but Virgil of course hits DiBiase by mistake. Ted, naturally, responds by beating Virgil with forearms and tossing him out of the ring. Well, that certainly builds employee loyalty. Meanwhile, Dustin finally makes the tag to Dusty, who runs in, hits Ted with a couple quick blows, then misses a charge in the corner and gets rolled up for the easy pinfall. It was essentially a jobbing out for the Rhodes boys, as they never made another appearance in the WWF, I think. But it’s the post-match stuff that makes it: Ted calls Virgil an idiot and tells him to bring the Million Dollar Belt into the ring and wrap it around his waist. Virgil gets the belt and climbs in, but, unfortunately, some yahoo in the crowd tosses an egg or something at DiBiase when Virgil does the important part, which is toss the belt to the ground. Ted, being a professional, totally ignores the egging and keeps right on going. He tells Virgil to pick up the belt, and reminds him about his family, his mother. Virgil thinks about it, and drops to his knees to pick the belt up. DiBiase turns his back to gloat…and then Virgil just takes DiBiase’s head off with a shot from the belt. The crowd goes ballistic (as does Roddy on commentary) and gives Virgil a standing ovation as he leaves. This set up a feud between the two that lasted most of the year, culminating in one of my all-time favorite moments, when Virgil beat DiBiase for the Million Dollar Belt at SummerSlam. Of course, they gave the belt right back to Ted after that and transferred Virgil into a feud with REPO MAN, but it was fun while it lasted.

Mean Gene interviews Hogan, superficially about the Rumble, but actually about the Gulf War and how he wants to beat up Slaughter. We might as well be advertising the main event of WrestleMania already.

The Royal Rumble
The Fink doesn’t run down the rules this year, we just get right into it…

First Two Entrants: #1. Bret “Hitman” Hart, #2. Dino Bravo
Wow, Bret just had lousy luck in the draw the first few years - twice now he’s been #1. Bret’s still half of the Hart Foundation, WWF Tag Champs at this point. This will be Dino’s last Rumble ever, sadly, so it’s his last chance to make any kind of impact. Sorry, no luck. He and Bret have a serviceable mini-match to start out, though that’s pretty much all Bret. For the record, managers are allowed at ringside this year.

#3. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine
Greg was in the process of being turned babyface, though no one had bothered to, you know, tell the fans or anything. So when Hammer wails on Bravo and goes after Jimmy Hart on the apron, no one has any clue why. Bravo mounts a brief comeback, but the Hammer fights it off and rather casually tosses Bravo out to eliminate him. He also shoves Jimmy Hart off the apron to solidify the face turn, though the crowd still doesn’t seem to know what the hell is going on. So Bret and Hammer go to work on each other, with Bret giving us a better look at the Hammer’s *ss than I EVER needed to see while trying to eliminate him.

#4. Paul Roma
At this point, half of the Power and Glory tag team with Hercules. I LOVED that team, even as a kid, and they had the best tag team finisher I’ve ever seen: the PowerPlex (Herc superplexes a guy off of one turnbuckle, and Roma comes off with a splash from another one that hits RIGHT as they land…awesome stuff). Sadly, after their initial push they were quickly jobbed out for who knows what reason. Roma goes right to work on Bret, and it seems to be a handicap match for Bret until Roma starts wailing on the Hammer as well. It becomes a triple threat match for all two minutes, with Bret teasing elimination. Crowd reacting LOUDLY for Bret, as his eventual singles push was becoming more and more obvious.

#5. “The Texas Tornado” Kerry Von Erich
I once again take the chance to plug the excellent “Heroes of World Class” documentary which is a complete history of World Class Championship Wrestling in general and the tragic story of the Von Erichs in particular. Just heartbreaking stuff. Kerry goes after Roma and the Hammer, turning it into a tornado tag team match. And it stays like that until…

#6. “The Model” Rick Martel
Ricky was pretty well established as a heel at this point, and was feuding with Jake Roberts after Jake was blinded by Martel’s cologne sprayer. This lead to Jake showing up with a white contact in his eye to verify that he was, in fact, blind. Anyway, Martel beats on Bret right away, then tries to eliminate Roma. Bret sneaks up and wails away on Martel, then tries to eliminate him, to a big reaction. Roma saves Rick, then clotheslines him just for the hell of it.

#7. Saba Simba
Simba is veteran Tony Atlas making a comeback in perhaps the most racist gimmick in history, with the possible exception of the Harlem Heat’s original WCW run where they were led around in chains by Colonel Robert Parker. Yes, there is MUCH to be proud of in wrestling’s fine and illustrious history. Apparently Gorilla hasn’t been clued into Atlas’s new gimmick, as it takes him about 20 seconds to announce just who this new entrant is. Simba beats on everyone, and then everyone pairs off into corners. Martel is ALMOST eliminated by Tornado.

#8. Butch from the Bushwhackers
It’s pretty funny how Butch marches around the ring for about 20 seconds without touching anyone. That’s about the only amusing thing the Whackers did in their entire WWF tenure. The Hammer finally lands a chop to break his reverie. Simba tries to eliminate the Model but ends up going over the top to the floor himself while Martel stays on the apron.

#9. Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Martel and Jake, naturally, brawl right away, drawing a big reaction from the crowd. Martel slips to the floor to avoid the DDT, and Jake, of course, goes right after him, but Martel slips back in and hides in the corner while Jake gets blind-sided by the Hammer. Jake finds him again while the Model is on the apron, and they tease Martel’s elimination despite the fact that he didn’t go over the top and as such is in no danger anyway.

#10. Hercules
Roma’s partner immediately goes over and helps him beat on Butch, a noble cause if ever there was one. Martel is almost eliminated by Bret, who in turn is almost eliminated by the Hammer at the same time. Ring’s getting kinda crowded…we’re through 10 and we still have eight guys in the ring right now. Martel ties Jake in the ropes but gets stopped by the Tornado before he can do anything.

#11. Tito Santana
Tito arrives just in time to see Paul Roma take a diving charge at Jake and go flying over the ropes and out. Tito goes right after Martel, as the two of them were still more-or-less feuding, even at this point. Heck, they may still be feuding today. I’m pretty sure if Tito just happens to walk into a supermarket where Martel is, they legally HAVE to start throwing punches at each other. It starts to settle down a bit at this point, everyone either hanging on the ropes or in the process of hanging someone on the ropes.

#12. The Undertaker
The historic Rumble debut of the Dead Man, though the character bears only the SLIGHTEST resemblance to today. The outfit is totally different, there’s not ONE tattoo, and he’s managed by BROTHER LOVE, of all people. Thankfully, we’d come to our senses and Love would pass the Taker off to Paul Bearer in just a couple weeks. First victim: Bret Hart, who he picks up in a choke and then casually dumps to the floor. He then goes after the Texas Tornado, and please note how I am tastefully avoiding any jokes about this match-up. Thank you. Taker already has the character pretty much down pat, though he still sells a bit differently than normal. Jake goes after the Taker, foreshadowing his own WWF demise in a little over a year’s time.

#13. “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka
It occurs to me that someone missed an easy bet by not having the Taker come in at #13. Jimmy was in his long-tights-boots-and-goatee phase, which is the twilight of his career, which is a nice way of saying he was basically a jobber at this point. Wow, the ring’s getting crowded, and as soon as I type that, Taker eliminates Butch. Hammer and the Tornado team up on the Taker, who is finally starting to sell a bit. Jake and the Model keep taking turns with one of them on the top rope and the other trying to eliminate him.

#14. The British Bulldog
Davey Boy’s singles run is just starting at this point, and he goes right to work on the Model in the corner. Tito and the Tornado manage to get Taker’s feet up in the corner, but no luck. The Hammer and the Model are working on some pretty good longevity runs here.

#15. Smash from Demolition
This is the very tail end of Demolition’s existence, after the period where they had three members and turned heel and just before the team was disbanded for good. The WWF’s attitude seemed pretty lax toward the Demos once they got in the LOD, which is pretty sad given how over the Demos were and how short the LOD’s first WWF run ended up being in comparison. Smash makes little impact. Jake again goes for the DDT on Martel, but the Model sneaks to the apron and pulls Jake to the floor from behind.

#16. Hawk from the Legion of Doom
Hawk tears into EVERYBODY, and as a result EVERYBODY gangs up on him to slow him down. Hawk goes after Hercules, foreshadowing their classic 50-second match at WrestleMania. Too many guys in the ring right now - 10 in all.

# 17. Shane Douglas
Yes, THAT Shane Douglas. Post-Dynamic Dudes but pre-Franchise, Shane had a cup of coffee with the WWF in 1991 that no one remembers, maybe Douglas included. Someone must have gotten the memo about the crowded ring, as Undertaker tosses the Tornado and Hawk eliminates the Superfly in rapid succession. Tito and Douglas double clothesline the Model, but he still can’t be thrown out.

#18.
For the first time in Rumble history, no one comes out, which leads to Gorilla and Roddy spending the next two minutes debating about what happened. Meantime, Taker works on Hawk and Martel and Smash try to eliminate Tito. Discussing the missing entrant, Gorilla and Roddy claim that the participant has two minutes to get to the ring, and then they’re considered eliminated. I wish they’d honor that stip nowadays, as it would prevent cutesy booking ideas like, say, Vince McMahon sitting out for practically the whole Rumble and somehow winning the damn thing. We’ll deal with that later.

#19. Animal from the Legion of Doom
Like his partner before him, Animal beats on the world for a bit, saving his partner from the Undertaker in the process. LOD works over the Taker on the ropes and then clotheslines him out to a HUGE pop. Hawk takes a second to admire his handiwork, which of course is a big no-no as Hercules and the Model sneak up and throw him out, too. Tito tries to get Martel out AGAIN. Valentine and the Model are both at about a half-hour now.

#20. Crush from Demolition
Yes, it is THAT Crush, who got his start as the third guy of the New Demolition. That went over about as well as the New Blackjacks or New Coke did. The “Demos” work over the Bulldog in the corner. Tito ONCE AGAIN almost has Martel out, but no luck.

#21. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
The winner of the first Rumble makes his Rumble return to a huge pop, working over Smash right away. Martel dives into a bear hug by Animal, but gets out of it with the old Greco-Roman Thumb to the Eye. Ring’s starting to get overcrowded again.

#22. Earthquake
A Canadian no more at this point. Quake spent the year putting Hogan in the hospital and thus becoming a main event heel. He gets into it with Animal right away, and Animal actually gets a few blows in before getting backdropped out and eliminated. Duggan and Quake get into it in the corner. Martel AGAIN in trouble, this time at the hands of the Bulldog, but still survives.

#23. Mr. Perfect
Curt takes his sweet time heading to the ring, taking a moment to show off the perfect (no pun intended) synchronicity he and Bobby had with the towel throwing routine at this point. Hennig gets right into it with Duggan, and proceeds to, of course, bump around like a pinball for Jim while Duggan’s offense basically consists of letting Curt bump around like a pinball. Then, of course, Duggan takes a charge at Perfect on the ropes and out goes Hacksaw. The Hammer and Martel are both at 40 minutes each.

#24. Hulk Hogan
Hmm, ever notice how Hogan always gets a late draw? I’m beginning to think this MAY be fixed. Smash has the honor of being the first to attack Hogan, which of course also means he’s the first to be eliminated by Hogan. Hulk goes after Earthquake, as that’s the big feud that’s not current-events-oriented, but can’t get Quake’s tree-trunk-esque legs up. Quake does manage to get Hogan’s feet up, but Hogan’s saved by the Bulldog.

#25. Haku
Hogan rather nonchalantly ends the Hammer’s run by throwing him out, which is just another reason to hate that bald b*stard. Hammer’s run: 46 minutes. I’d go over notable facts about Haku’s then-WWF run, or about his Rumble performance, but seeing as how there are no notable facts in either direction, we’ll just continue focusing on the Rumble as a whole. Everyone pairs off in corners.

#26. Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart
Anvil goes after Hercules right away, and who’da thunk that Hercules would stay in there this long? Quake tosses Tito, just because. Perfect tries to eliminate Hogan for revenge from last year’s booking debacle, but we all know how that’ll turn out. Hogan and Haku have a chopping contest, but neither one of them is a Chris Benoit. Hell, they’re barely a Big Show.

#27. Luke from the Bushwhackers
Luke comes in one side and goes out the other, courtesy Earthquake, his run lasting a hair under 4 seconds. Hmm, not only did they falsely give him the record for shortest run, but they actually credited it for being LONGER than it actually was. Of course, this is the company which still claims that King Kong Bundy beat S.D. Jones in 9 seconds at WrestleMania when anyone who can count and say “Mississippi” knows the match actually runs, like, 22. Perfect and Quake work over Hogan in the corner. Man, I’ll say it again, that ring is really crowded. Model goes over the top but lands on the apron.

#28. Brian Knobbs from the Nasty Boys
The Nasties had just debuted in the WWF, and are so new that a.) the crowd does not react to him at all, and b.) neither Gorilla or Roddy knows his name. And to think, in two months they’d have these guys beating the Harts for the tag straps at WrestleMania. I STILL don’t get that one. Knobbs brings a lot of energy but not a lot of impact, though they gang up on him like he was Hawk. Douglas has the Model upside down again, and again Martel hangs on. Knobbs does eliminate Hercules, ending his pretty good run.

#29. The Warlord
In his short black trunks and with his physique, Warlord now looks disquietingly like Goldberg. Or a overbuilt, talentless Austin. Wait, I think I just repeated myself. Hogan deadlifts Crush and eliminates him. Then the Warlord finds himself in a very familiar situation, namely, getting clotheslined out of the Rumble relatively quickly by Hogan. At least he lasted long enough to actually, say execute a move this year.

#30. Tugboat
Tugboat is a big guy in a sailor’s outfit who would later be known better as Typhoon. Much like Hillbilly Jim before him, Tugboat was a guy we tried to get over as a “Buddy of Hogan,” and it worked about as well for Tugboat as it did for Jim, which is to say, we will turn Tugboat heel by the time SummerSlam rolls around. At this point, it becomes apparent #18 was Randy Savage, the story being that the Warrior must have chased him out of the building. Hey, continuity! (Wasn’t that a Gin Blossoms song?) The future Natural Disasters go at it in the corner as Anvil tosses Perfect over, but he lands on the apron. Knobbs tosses Shane Douglas out off-camera, and if there was a clearer metaphor for Shane’s WWF run, I don’t know what it is. The pacing is really lax for the last segment of a Rumble. Poor Perfect - he takes a stiff shot from Hogan and then falls down just in time for Earthquake to literally walk all over him. Tugboat and Hogan fight in a corner, with Tugboat getting Hogan over the top to the apron, which is about as close as anyone ever comes, but Hogan hangs on and then marches over and tosses Tugboat out in retaliation. Thanks for coming, pal, here’s a cookie. The Bulldog places Perfect on the top turnbuckle, and then a big dropkick knocks him off and to the floor. The Model reverses a whip on the Anvil and, with a handful of tights, manages to eliminate Neidhart. Shoulder dip by the Bulldog eliminates Haku. Martel takes a big risk by going up top, but gets crotched and clotheslined by Davey Boy, FINALLY eliminating him after a record 52 minutes. Hell of a showing, Rick.

The Final Four: The British Bulldog, Earthquake, Hulk Hogan and Brian Knobbs
Hmm, two babyfaces, two heels, one of the faces is Hogan, I’d be willing to bet anyone a reasonable amount of money that Bulldog will be eliminated first. Yep, I win, Knobbs and Quake quickly team up and toss the Dog. He lasted over a half-hour, too. That leaves Hogan and the Heels, which means we are essentially repeating last year’s formula. They beat on Hogan for a while, climaxing with Quake doing The Big One on Hogan. They stop to celebrate, which of course means it’s time for the CHIPMONK CHEEK PUFFING OF DOOM. Hogan double clotheslines them and then a big boot eliminates Knobbs. Once again, our last two are Hogan and The Guy Hogan’s Feuding With. I forgot to mention the corollary to the Hogan Routine, which is if it’s a big guy, he has to slam him. Well, Hogan tries, but Quake is able to do an Andre the Giant and land on top of him. Quake follows up with a few elbows and a power slam, then goes for a cover for some reason, so Hogan can kick out and give us the Full Hogan Routine with a Twist. Pointing, three punches, big boot, body slam, then a shot to the back sends Quake out giving Hogan the win. Hogan celebrates with signs and waves the flag to end the show. Some impressive performances (especially Martel and the Hammer) carry this one, though the ending is Hogan 101.

THOUGHTS:
Beyond than being a very important show historically, this is a very good show from a quality standpoint, as there’s only one glaringly weak spot on the card (Mountie/Koko) and the rest is very watchable even when the main storyline is terribly exploitive. And as much as I ride on Hogan, given what happened in the WWF Title match, Hogan basically HAD to win to send the fans home happy. So, a very good show that just happened to mark the end of the Glory Days of the WWF. And another excellent DVD, to boot, as only the Orient Express’s music got changed, and everything else is pretty much exactly as broadcast.

Next Time: Rumble ‘92: The Year of the Flair!

Royal Rumble '90

Another year has passed us by. We are now into a decade that has at least two “9”s in EACH of its years. Warren Beatty would make “Dick Tracy,” and in turn become Madonna Lover #478 out of 4,000. The world was still cheering the fall of the Berlin Wall, because now Pink Floyd had one wicked cool place to hold a concert. At the beginning of the year, almost no one in the U.S. knew who Saddam Hussein was, but by its end, Calvin (of “and Hobbes” fame) would be peeing on him on bumper stickers nationwide. And, in Orlando, Florida, it was time once again to Rumble.

Royal Rumble 1990
Orlando, Florida
1/21/1990

I kinda miss Vince McMahon’s overdramatic job of announcing all 30 entrants. Imagine him saying every name with the growly intensity that he now uses to say “You’re Fired” and you get the idea.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone and Jesse Ventura. Yes, Schiavone had a WWF job for a while there, proving that lack of talent was not a disqualifying offense as an announcer in either of the top two wrestling organizations in the country. I’m a little amazed that the legally paranoid WWE Video department allowed Jesse’s intro to stand unedited, as he’s decked out head-to-toe in Mickey Mouse paraphernalia, and I KNOW that Disney is a lawsuit-happy bunch.

Opening Match: The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. The Bushwhackers
Oh, sweet Rougeau Brothers’ entrance theme, seduce me with your song. It’s intact and unedited, thank goodness. This was, essentially, the Rougeaus’ swan song as a team in the WWF, as I don’t think they made another appearance after this. Jacques even has a beard, ruining the preppy aspect of their gimmick. Big pop for the Bushwhackers. Sigh. Lots of stalling in this one, as I’m getting the distinct impression that the Rougeaus are not really motivated, and the Whackers are accomplished stalling artists. Lots of crowd heat for everything, though. The usual Whacker offense (kicks, punches, bites, etc.) fills this one. Luke becomes Face In Trouble and gets beat on for quite a while until a Jacques splash hits knees. Hot tag Butch, House Afire (with the Rougeaus overselling EVERYTHING), but Jimmy Hart breaks up the Whackers’ finisher, the Battering Ram (easily the lamest tag team finisher of all time…one guy holds the other guy’s head, and they run at half speed into an opponent, who sells it like he’s been hit with a cannonball). The Rougeaus save their manager but leave themselves open for another Battering Ram and the Whackers win clean. Crowd was insanely hot for the match, but I really am NOT a Bushwhackers fan. Ah well.

Mean Gene interviews Ted DiBiase, and because of last year’s shenanigans, there’s extra security at the number drawing. Ted, apparently, had Virgil draw his number. The result: Ted has #1. The WWF: For over 50 years, the revolutionary force in dramatic irony.

“The Genius” Lanny Poffo vs. Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake
Poffo is Randy Savage’s brother, though a bigger contrast between two siblings I don’t think you’ll ever find. Poffo is a very good talent in his own right, often credited with inventing the moonsault. His mannerisms are more…well…effeminate than Randy’s, though. Here, his gimmick is that he claims to be really smart and writes poetry. He reads a selection about Beefcake before the match, and although it’s by no means obtuse, he still confuses the hell out of Schiavone. Ah well, a game of Tic Tac Toe that could probably confuse the hell out of Schiavone. This match is essentially a set-up for a WrestleMania feud, though not between these two, as you’ll see. Another stall-o-rama to begin, as Poffo prances and draws homophobic heat, with little in the way of actual wrestling going on. Beefcake overpowers him when they do lock up. So Poffo runs away. That’s pretty much the whole match. Poffo does finally get some offense in, but quickly gets caught coming off the top rope. Beefcake locks in the sleeper, but Poffo counters it and the ref gets bumped (one of the more convincing ones in history, as Hebner hits HARD on the floor). Beefcake locks in the sleeper again while the ref’s unconscious and Poffo’s out. So Beefcake grabs some scissors and starts cutting away on Poffo’s locks until Mr. Perfect, Poffo’s running buddy, comes out to put a stop to it. Beefer takes a few shots to the gut from a chair as the bell rings for a no contest. The match wasn’t anything special, just a backdrop to set up a match at Mania between Perfect and Beefcake, which saw Brutus end Perfect’s win streak and Poffo lose some more hair.

Sean Mooney interviews the Heenan family. One of them is gonna win the Royal Rumble, you hear? Mooney, the sh*t-stirrer that he is, gets everyone bickering with each other before the segment ends.

WrestleMania VI promo. No matches or anything, just day and place. Hmm, I wonder what kind of big match they could put together to fill the SkyDome in Toronto…

Submission Match: Greg “The Hammer” Valentine (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. “Rugged” Ronnie Garvin
Here we go. The storyline: Garvin beat the Hammer one week. Valentine then challenged him to a career-ending match in retribution, which Valentine cheated to win. Garvin then got a job as a referee, only officiating the Hammer’s matches and making sure he lost. Valentine, thus, asked for Garvin to be reinstated out of frustration. Meanwhile, after an “ankle injury,” Valentine started wearing a brace on his leg, which, purely out of coincidence, made his Figure Four Leg Lock submission hold that much more painful. Not long before this match, Garvin claimed he, too, had “suffered an injury,” and started wearing a brace on his leg, too, though it didn’t seem to help HIS finisher, the Reverse Figure Four (known nowadays as the Sharpshooter), so why he wore it was still a mystery. Okay, prologue done, on with the match. The crowd really isn’t into it at first, as neither guy is really over, but that’s okay, as Garvin and Valentine do their best to get them into it. How? SHEER BRUTALITY. Years before Chris Benoit made his debut on the national stage, here are two guys chopping the HELL out each other. I mean, Garvin lays one in and Jesse says, “That one echoed!” And he’s NOT LYING. They just beat each other mercilessly in there. Lots of spots where both guys go for pinfalls, to no effect, as in the WWF a submission-only match hadn’t really been done before and we have to emphasize the stip. Valentine finally gets Garvin down and puts on the Figure Four…and Garvin smiles and makes faces at him. The reason behind his brace becomes apparent: It blocks the effect of the Figure Four. Valentine tries a hanging backbreaker instead, but can’t get the submission. They continue chopping each other’s chests into hamburger until Garvin locks on an Indian Death Lock, but Valentine makes the ropes. More vicious brawling. They collide in mid-ring, with Garvin landing right by Jimmy Hart…who proceeds to take off Garvin’s brace. Valentine IMMEDIATELY locks on the Figure Four, and this time, Garvin’s feeling it. Garvin fights it and finally turns it over, so Valentine has to grab the ropes to break it up. Valentine keeps working on the injured leg, but Garvin avoids the Figure Four. Valentine, for perhaps the first time in his career, decides to head up to the top…and, of course, gets caught and slammed. With Valentine prone, Garvin quickly falls down and takes off Valentine’s brace, too, so it’s all equal. They exchange blows again, and Valentine ends up tied in the ropes. Garvin grabs Valentine’s brace, then drags Jimmy Hart into the ring, drawing a big pop. Valentine frees himself and grabs Garvin’s brace, but Garvin sees him coming and just completely KOs Valentine with the brace. Garvin locks on the Reverse Figure Four and finally Valentine gives it up. A little slow-paced by today’s standards, but it told a great story and for sheer hard-hitting action, it’s pretty revolutionary. Sadly, neither participant would gain any momentum from this match, as Garvin never made another WWF PPV appearance, and Valentine would get saddled with Honky Tonk in the ill-fated Rhythm and Blues tag team. Sigh.

BTW, one last note: Jesse tries to cover for Valentine by saying he never saw him submit. Yet more evidence why the advent of the tap out in wrestling was a GOOD THING. See, he tapped. We don’t have to go by the referee’s word that he gave up, everyone can see it. Heels can’t wuss out and say they got screwed by a referee anymore. So there.

Mean Gene interviews Mr. Perfect. Brutus got what he had coming, and he’s gonna win the Royal Rumble, doncha know. He also reveals that he drew #30, “the perfect number.” Welcome to the curse, Curt.

The Brother Love Show: Special guests, Sapphire and Sensational Queen Sherri
Brother Love is a heel interviewer (Bruce Pritchard) who’s playing a red-faced televangelist without ever actually saying the word “God.” Or “Bible” - it’s “the Book of Love.” He’s really annoying, but draws good heat. Sapphire is the manager of Dusty Rhodes (and yes, she’s an African American woman, continuing the WWF’s lovely history of NEVER resorting to racial stereotypes), Sherri is the manager of the now-royal Randy “Macho King” Savage. Rhodes and Savage were not feuding at this point, but we can make a few logical leaps and assume that they WILL be feuding by the time this interview is over. The “F” of “WWF” gets muted from Love’s pre-interview rant. Sherri comes out first, and the two of them fawn all over each other before mocking Sapphire. She comes out to Dusty’s music (again, previous legal entanglements must have been settled, as Dusty’s previously-edited theme is played it its original…uh…glory). Love and Sherri keep knocking both Dusty and Sapphire, never letting her even speak. Finally, Sapphire has had enough and slaps Sherri, which draws out Savage, which draws out Rhodes, which leads to a brawl, which leads to a feud, which leads to a mixed tag team match at WrestleMania. We could happily have avoided that last part. Once Savage leaves, Brother Love, ever the perceptive genius, decides to rant at Dusty post-interview, then acts surprised when he gets the snot beaten out of him.

Sean Mooney interviews “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. He trumpets how America’s the land of the free and stuff. Brings to mind my favorite moment of Jim Duggan Hypocrisy…at WrestleMania III, he stopped Nikolai Volkoff from singing the Russian National Anthem, because “This is the land of the free!” Let the logic of that statement sit on your head for a bit.

The Big Boss Man (w/ Slick) vs. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
Ah, our first music edit of the show, as apparently Slick’s entrance music, “Jive Soul Bro,” is now out of copyright, as it’s edited out and replaced with the Boss Man’s 1998 music, with Howard Finkel overdubbing his intro. Duggan has no music at this point, so no problems there. Anyway, there’s no feud or anything here, just two guys fighting to fill time. Not a technical masterpiece by any means, just a brawl, but the crowd is up for it. Boss Man had dropped a lot of weight by this point and ended up turning face by the time WrestleMania rolled around. He even hits an enzuigiri to the head, which is an amazing feat of agility for a man that size. Funny moment: Tony rants about Boss Man carrying the nightstick to the ring, and Jesse asks, “Well, why does Duggan bring a 2x4?” And Tony really doesn’t have a response. Game, set, match. Boss Man controls for most of the match, which REALLY slows down in the middle sections with a bunch of boring restholds. Duggan finally brawls back and clotheslines Boss Man out of the ring. More brawling. Boss Man tries a top rope splash, and of course misses. Miscommunication leads to Slick getting clobbered by Boss Man, but Boss Man clobbers Duggan with the nightstick. Unfortunately for Boss Man, referee Joey Marella remembered his contacts that day and sees it for the DQ. Duggan nails both Boss Man and Slick with the 2x4 post-match. Nothing special.

WrestleMania VI promo. Did you happen to know it’s in the SkyDome?

Pre-Rumble Promos! Dino Bravo and Earthquake are gonna win! Demolition is gonna win! Bad News is gonna win! Dusty Rhodes is gonna win! The Rockers are gonna win! Hercules is gonna win (though he seems to think it’s called the “Rumble Royal”)! The Model is gonna win! Tito Santana is gonna win! The Superfly is gonna win! Akeem is gonna win! The Warrior is gonna win! Man, Hellwig’s promos NEVER made any sense. He’s also wearing red and yellow face paint, and deliberately calls out Hulk Hogan…hmm…

Tony and Jesse talk about the Rumble and stuff.

MORE Pre-Rumble Promos! Macho King is gonna win! The Powers of Pain are gonna win! Jake “The Snake” is gonna win! The Harts are gonna win! Honky is gonna win! Hulk Hogan is gonna win! Hogan’s interviews made just SLIGHTLY more sense. Hogan also mentions the Warrior…what could all this MEAN? And we have to edit “F” out of his promo a few times. The letter, not the swear word.

The Royal Rumble
The Fink runs down the rules. Intervals are still at 2 minutes.

First Two Entrants: 1. “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase, 2. Koko B. Ware
The crowd’s reaction to DiBiase is great: Cheers when they announce he’s drawn #1, followed by the usual boos. Koko’s theme music is edited out, replaced with his song “Piledriver” from the second WWF album. It’s annoying, but even more so when you watch the next…ah well, we’ll deal with that later. Ted jumps Koko right away, getting an early advantage. Koko finally comes back, but stupidly charges at DiBiase on the ropes and Ted backdrops him out for the elimination. DiBiase puts a finger up: 1 down, 28 to go.

#3. Marty Jannetty
The half of the Rockers who didn’t become a legend gets jumped coming in, but quickly mounts a comeback. DiBiase and Jannetty have an excellent sequence, climaxing with Jannetty trying for a cross body while DiBiase is on the ropes…and he drops out of the way, sending Jannetty flying over the top to the floor. 2 down, 27 to go.

#4. Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Something tells me Jake’ll last longer. Jake and Ted have the big feud at this point, which had literally been going on since the previous year’s WrestleMania - almost a year. DiBiase cuts Jake off coming in and they brawl on the floor. For the record, Virgil is still out there, as managers are allowed at ringside this year. Jake runs DiBiase into the post, and back into the ring they go, with doing a mini-match with amazing crowd heat. Jake tries for the DDT a couple of times, to no avail.

#5. “Macho King” Randy Savage
Savage attacks Roberts right away, and DiBiase and Savage team up, with Ted promising Savage money with every blow. Two minutes of Jake getting his *ss handed to him follow. They tie Jake in the ropes and beat on him some more…

#6. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper
Storming the ring like a maniac (heck, the “like a” part of that may be unnecessary), Roddy beats on the heels and releases Jake as the crowd goes crazy. We pair off, Jake/Ted and Piper/Savage. The crowd heat is unreal for this segment. Piper and Savage trade near-eliminations with each other as DiBiase beats on Jake.

#7. The Warlord
Warlord steps in and, amazingly, does not immediately get eliminated like last year. Go figure. Tony calls Warlord one of the “Big Boys,” and you can just hear him making a mental note to drill that phrase into the ground for YEARS in WCW. Warlord beats on everybody, then focuses on Piper. Savage and DiBiase try to eliminate Jake, to no avail.

#8. Bret “Hitman” Hart
Big pop for Bret, who helps turn the tide for the faces. He takes on Warlord in an interesting battle, and by “interesting,” I mean, “a match-up between perhaps the single greatest wrestler ever and one of the worst.” DiBiase and Savage continue to make “dismantling Jake Roberts” their pet project while Roddy and Bret double clothesline the Warlord.

#9. Bad News Brown
Bad News attacks Bret Hart, rekindling the feud which turned Bret face in 1988. Jake sets DiBiase up for the DDT, but Savage surprises Jake with a clothesline and eliminates him. Ted is very thankful, natch. A big shot from Piper nearly eliminates DiBiase, but Savage saves him.

#10. Dusty Rhodes
Rhodes goes immediately after Savage, who sells like he’s being hit with a ton of bricks. Savage takes a charge at Dusty on the ropes, and that ends as it must, with Savage backdropped over the top and eliminated to a huge pop. So DiBiase has lost his running buddy. Dusty and Piper work over the Warlord for a bit, then everyone pairs off in corners.

#11. Andre the Giant
A bit better luck in the draw this year for Andre. Warlord stupidly attacks Andre right away, and gets nonchalantly tossed out for his troubles. Fuji and Heenan nearly come to blows on the floor over it. Andre starts dominating the ring. Hall of Fame pile-up in the corner as Andre shoulder blocks Piper and Dusty before they come back to wail on him.

#12. The Red Rooster
By this point, he’d dyed a mohawk of hair on the top of his head red to suit the gimmick. And to think, as a kid I loved this guy. To the best of my knowledge, I wasn’t on any drugs at the time, so I’ll ascribe it to something getting in our well water. Bad News almost eliminates Piper, but walks right into a Piper backdrop for the elimination. Bad News then reaches in and pulls Piper out, and they brawl back to the dressing room, setting up their WrestleMania match where Piper would show up half-painted in blackface makeup. Uh, yeah. Dusty almost eliminates DiBiase, but a helpful little push from Virgil saves him.

#13. Ax from Demolition
He gets there just in time to see the Rooster eliminated by Andre, then wails on Andre, as the Demos are feuding with current tag team champs Andre and Haku. Dusty and Bret try to eliminate DiBiase again. Dusty then helps Ax beat on Andre, including tying him in the ropes.

#14. Haku
Haku quickly jumps in to help his partner and beat on Ax. The heels start to dominate in the ring. Dusty mounts a comeback on Haku to rile the crowd. Ax continues to get double teamed by the Colossal Connection.

#15. Smash from Demolition
So we have a mini-match between the Demos and the Connection. Bret AGAIN goes for the elimination of DiBiase, with no luck. Ted’s already surpassed the longevity record by this point. Now Demolition’s trying to eliminate DiBiase until Haku breaks it up.

#16. Akeem
Schiavone points out that the eight men in the ring is the most we’ve had at one time, showing how tightly booked a Rumble this is, with just enough incident to keep the crowd interested while not feeling rushed or anything. Respect for Future Main Eventers: Bret Hart gets eliminated by Dusty Rhodes, and the announcers don’t even notice it for a minute or so. No worries, Bret, this company will certainly treat you with more respect later in your career. Especially in your last match for them. Demolition hits a double clothesline that sends Andre over the top to the floor to a HUGE pop. They almost send Haku out to meet him, but Andre saves him from the floor before leaving. Sadly, this is Andre’s last Rumble before his death in 1993. Everyone pairs off.

#17. “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka
The WWF legend who inspired Mick to become a wrestler, so he has my eternal thanks, even if his interviews are more incomprehensible than the Warrior’s. It takes Jimmy just a couple seconds to hit Akeem with a flying head butt that sends him sprawling to the floor. Dusty and DiBiase brawl with each other while they’re both, literally, on their knees.

#18. Dino Bravo
I think I’ll say this every year, but Bravo makes little impact. Dusty certainly looks winded at this point…who booked him to stay in there this long? Demolition tries to toss DiBiase AGAIN, but he again hangs on. He’s been on the apron for half of this match.

#19. The Canadian Earthquake
It’s the same guy, don’t worry, it’s just for some reason at this point in his career he’s from Canada. Do they even HAVE earthquakes in Canada? Seems like the U.S. gets the lion’s share of the natural disasters on this continent. That is grossly unfair. *Stephen Colbert Mode On* Mother Nature, why do you hate America? I’m putting you on notice! *Stephen Colbert Mode Off* Anyway, Quake tosses Dusty right away and then easily tosses Ax when he annoys him. Everyone pairs off again.

#20. Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart
Anvil starts attacking Earthquake right away, leading to a dogpile in the corner where everyone in the ring who’s not Dino Bravo ganging up on Earthquake and eliminating him. That sets the tone for pretty much every big man who ever enters the Rumble, meaning that, with one exception, no big guy ever wins.

#21. The Ultimate Warrior
Crowd goes all ape-excrement for Warrior. Warrior and Bravo have a feud, so of course Warrior attacks him first, and of course Warrior eliminates him first. Warrior settles down into beating up on everybody. Warrior and Anvil beat up on poor DiBiase some more.

#22. “The Model” Rick Martel
The classic Rick Martel lapel pin, “Yes, I Am a Model,” is absent. Martel’s about a year into his heel run and is still basically establishing himself, showcasing the relatively lax pace of WWF storytelling at this point. Haku backdrops Smash to the apron, then a big thrust kick finally eliminates him for good. Martel gets clotheslined to the apron but hangs in there.

#23. Tito Santana
Santana and Martel are still feuding over their breakup, so they start fighting right away. Both announcers are giving DiBiase props for his longevity as Neidhart and Snuka try to eliminate him, with Virgil again saving the day.

#24. The Honky Tonk Man
Warrior is right there to greet his old nemesis, though calling Honky a “nemesis” would imply that Honky at some point landed an offensive move on the Warrior, which to the best of my knowledge is not the case. Haku and the Warrior team up to eliminate Neidhart. DiBiase tries to whip the Warrior into the ropes, but it’s reversed and a simple clothesline FINALLY eliminates DiBiase to a huge pop. Ted’s new longevity record: 45 minutes.

#25. Hulk Hogan
Hogan’s WWF champ at this point, and he tosses Snuka as a warm greeting. Haku gets a similar housewarming gift, and he’s gone from a big boot. Hogan hasn’t even bothered to remove his shirt yet. He finally gets around to it as Martel and the Warrior team up to eliminate Santana. Ring is emptying quite quickly…I wonder what they’ve got in mind?

#26. Shawn Michaels
Still just “the other half of the Rockers.” Hogan casually tosses the Honky Tonk Man. Respect for Future Main Eventers: Shawn is eliminated by the Warrior in 10 seconds. No worries, Shawn, I’m sure you have a bright future ahead of you. Just keep smiling. Then the Warrior dramatically tosses Martel and that leaves…

Oh.

OH.

OOOOOOH.

When Tony says, “There is not a person sitting down,” he’s not kidding - the ENTIRE ARENA is on its feet at just the IDEA of this match-up. If you listen closely, you can hear Vince McMahon already counting the millions to be made in the back. Hogan and the Warrior trade shoulder blocks, do a criss cross, then hit a double clothesline that knocks them both out. Before anyone can get up, the countdown starts. That’s it, nothing more to see here, folks, just a preview of coming attractions.

#27. The Barbarian
Barbarian looks as eager as a sumo wrestler at a buffet, with the WWF’s two top draws basically served to him on a silver platter. You can almost sense that he knows he’ll never get this chance again, in any match, ever. Enjoy it while you can, dude, you’ll be half of the Headshrinkers in just a few years’ time. Barbarian dominates both the mega-faces. Suddenly, without a count and way before 2 minutes is up…

#28. “Ravishing” Rick Rude
Rude comes in early, but the refs don’t seem to make a big fuss about it. He just wants a taste of the scraps left at the main eventing table, it seems. Barbarian and Rude have their way with both guys, and nearly have Hogan eliminated until Warrior saves the day for no good reason. Then, Rude and Barbarian turn their attention to the Warrior, and just as they’re about to tip him out, Hogan comes up with a big clothesline that hits both heels AND sends the Warrior to the floor. Ah, Hulk, you always were such a considerate sort. Warrior returns to the ring and lays out both heels after his elimination, just ‘cuz he’s crazy.

#29. Hercules
Herc’s face turn was going nowhere at this point. It becomes a tag team match, Herc and Hogan vs. Rude and the Barbarian. Crowd dies out a little bit after Warrior’s exit, but Hogan’s still in there so they’re still awake.

#30. Mr. Perfect
Hogan and Perfect have the feud at this point, after Perfect smashed the WWF Title on Saturday Night’s Main Event. Fun trivia: That belt would eventually get recycled into the Hardcore Title in 1998. Perfect beats on Hogan and Hercules sends Barbarian to the floor, which means we already have…

The Final Four: Hulk Hogan, “Ravishing” Rick Rude, Hercules and Mr. Perfect
Time to get sad: Everyone in the ring who is not Hogan is dead. A Perfect dropkick and a Rude clothesline quickly eliminate Hercules, leaving Hogan 2 on 1. They double-team him, then do the old “I hold him and you run and hit him” trick, which, shockingly, backfires and sends Perfect to the apron. Perfect, trying to get back in, accidentally pulls the top rope down as Rude is hitting it, and Rude spills to the floor, eliminated. Whoopsy. So we’re down to two. Perfect gets the upper hand and hits the Perfect Plex, which is pretty silly in a Rumble, but Hogan kicks out and I think you can all guess what happens from here. Does Hogan:

A. Fight valiantly and win with a new and exciting set of moves?
B. Try hard but ultimately succumb to his opponent’s effort?
C. Kick out, puff his cheeks like a chipmunk, take three punches, start shaking his head like a wet dog, point at his opponent, block a fourth punch, hit him a few times, deliver a big boot, then go on to win?

If you said C., congratulations, you have watched a Hogan match, which means you’ve seen EVERY MATCH HOGAN HAS EVER BEEN IN.

Anyway, Hogan beats Perfect up (slight variation in routine: Perfect gets to take his “slingshot into the post” spot) and tosses him out easily to win the 1990 Rumble. Formulaic ending aside, this was an excellently booked Rumble which pretty much set the pattern for most every Rumble to come.

THOUGHTS:
Hey, a little side trivia: guess who was originally booked to win this Rumble? That’s right, Perfect. Hey, guess who threw a temper tantrum and said that a small guy like Perfect should NEVER beat him in so big a match? That’s right, Hogan. So, guess who got the ending changed for their benefit? That’s right, Hogan. Hey, guess whose guts I hate? That’s right, Hogan. Thanks to this Rumble, any semblance of the idea that the Rumble could be used to put over up-and-coming-midcarders was gone, as was the idea that “anyone could win.” From now on the Rumble was exclusively the domain of the main eventers or guy we were grooming for the main event. Not that this was a bad thing, necessarily, it just meant a massive change in the focus of the event, and as a result made the match a little more predictable than it was before.

But, regardless, the Rumble itself is very entertaining, and the Garvin/Valentine match is just a bruising battle, so this is a fun event. A few more musical edits than in previous releases, but nothing too galling. I am really digging the overall quality of this set so far.

Up next: Rumble ‘91! We’re about to see the first wrestling boom die before our eyes!

Royal Rumble '89

So it’s a year later. Hulk Hogan has finally lost the title after four years, and it took massive controversy and twin referees to do it. Randy Savage rises to the main event level at long last, though his reign will sadly be cut short by the political juggernaut that is Hulkamania a few months after this. The world learns that Andre the Giant has but one weakness: “Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?” Some skinny guy named “Shawn Michaels” joins the company as half of a tag team called the Rockers. And all this could only mean one thing: It was time to Rumble. And now, we’re gonna make you pay to watch it.

Royal Rumble 1989
Houston, Texas
1/15/1989

I would be remiss if I didn’t note that they overdub the music on the old WWF logo screen (the “flying over the Grand Canyon” one), though that may have more to do with the fact that Gene Okerlund refers to it as “the WWF” than to the musical rights.

The show is hosted by Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura, my favorite commentary team ever. This would be the only Rumble they ever did together.

2 Out of 3 Falls: The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers & Dino Bravo (w/ Jimmy Hart and Frenchy Martin) vs. The Hart Foundation and “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
Man, ANOTHER 2 out of 3 match. Ah well, that ain’t bad. (Rimshot, please.) The Rougeaus are Jacques and Raymond, legitimately brothers and really talented wrestlers who always seemed very out-of-place in 80’s WWF. Their gimmick was quite ingenious: they were obviously from Canada, so they did nothing but talk about the USA and how great it was, which got them heel heat because they were obviously trying to suck up. It was kinda like the gimmick Kurt Angle would have ten years later. Sadly, the team comes out to Dino Bravo’s music rather than the kick-*ss Rougeau theme, which has a bit in French which, translated, becomes “We hate Americans/Because they are the worst/We love to make them mad when we say/‘We love the USA!’” Quite hilarious and brilliantly subtle for its time period. The Harts are naturally Bret Hart and Jim Neidhart, now babyfaces after splitting from Jimmy Hart. There are storylines here: Jimmy is paying the Rougeaus the percentage of the Foundation’s contract that he still owns, which rightly p*sses them off. And Duggan and Bravo are feuding because…well, because Bravo’s Canadian and by god, that’s reason enough for Duggan. Anyway, match is a very energetic affair with TONS of crowd heat. I mean, this audience is popping for EVERYTHING. Smartly, Bret wrestles most of the match for his team, as he’s the one that can, you know, wrestle. First fall ends with the heels hitting all their finishers on him in order (talk about overkill) and pinning him easily. Bret starts fall #2 as Face in Trouble, and takes a major pounding. This includes my dad’s favorite wrestling moment of all time: Bret, writhing in agony and trapped in an Abdominal Stretch, takes time out to pull up his kneepads. Heh. Finally, Bret hits an atomic drop on Jacques and makes the hot (and I mean HOT) tag to Hacksaw, who is a House Afire and Hell, naturally, Breaks Loose. He drops an elbow on Raymond to take the second fall. Third fall sees Duggan become Face In Trouble for a while, before making an improbable hot tag to Bret (considering the beating Bret took). Duggan connects with that most classic of technical maneuvers, the 2x4 to the back of Dino Bravo’s head, to give Bret the pin and his team the win. Very fun opener and a super-hot crowd.

First ever Rumble-Entrants-Pick-Their-Numbers segment! There are WAY more than 30 numbers in the tumbler they have. Ted DiBiase seems displeased about his selection, but then starts “negotiating” with Slick about the numbers he drew for his wrestlers. The Bushwhackers swap numbers. Honky Tonk seems displeased. Bad News Brown (R.I.P., dude) says it’s “good news for Bad News.” Demolition both comment that they have a long night ahead of them. Jake Roberts says that he hopes Andre’s still in there when he gets there. The Rockers wish each other luck.

The Super Posedown: “Ravishing” Rick Rude vs. The Ultimate Warrior
Rude is still a mid-card heel, though the feud that ignites here would catapult him up the card. The Warrior is now firmly established and is the Intercontinental Champion, finally ending the Honky Tonk Man’s ENDLESS reign. Speaking of endless, we have this segment, to determine who has the best build in the WWF, and the fans will decide the winner. If you can’t figure out who will get the fans’ vote, and what will happen as a result, you are not a wrestling fan. They edit out Rude calling himself the “best-built man in the WWF,” for obvious reasons. Heenan’s mike work is entertaining and the bickering between Jess and Gorilla makes it tolerable, but the segment is still really dull. Rude announces pose, Rude does pose, Warrior does pose, lather, rinse, repeat. Finally, Rude snaps and hits Warrior with his workout bar, then retreats. Warrior wakes up, snaps and beats people up before chasing after him. Set up their Mania match nicely (where Rude shocked the world and beat the Warrior, albeit with Heenan‘s help), but this was really a waste of PPV time.

Women’s Title Match: Rockin’ Robin (champion) vs. Judy Martin
Robin is Jake Roberts’s sister, and comes out to brother Sam Houston’s music. She had won the title from Sensational Sherri shortly before this, who in turn had relieved it from the Fabulous Moolah’s vice grip, as Moolah had been champion for pretty much the previous 30 years. No, I’m not kidding. Anyway, Sherri cuts a promo on both before the match begins, challenging the winner, and given how good at promos Sherri is it’s a bit sad how bad this one is. She joins the commentary team and does better there, though. The match isn’t much special, and the crowd’s not reacting much at all until Robin pins Martin with a cross body off the second rope. Short and uneventful. The WWF would forget the Women’s Title existed shortly after this (it wouldn’t return until 1993), and Sherri would be joined at the hip with Randy Savage at WrestleMania two months later.

Sean Mooney interviews Slick and his men, the Big Boss Man and Akeem, known as the Twin Towers. Whoa, talk about tag team names that would NEVER get used today. Mooney brings up DiBiase’s apparent negotiations, which Slick denies, even when presented with video evidence. Keep this in mind.

Meanwhile, Rick Rude and Bobby Heenan are heading out of the arena to get away from the Warrior, which makes it weirder when Heenan comes out with his wresters for the Rumble in a few minutes, not to mention his involvement in the next match.

And now, we interview…more managers! Mr. Fuji: The Powers of Pain will win! Elizabeth: The Mega-Powers will win! Jimmy Hart: Valentine or Honky will win!

Meanwhile, Jesse Ventura is on the throne. Nyuk nyuk. Jesse talks about how comfortable the chair is and waxes rhapsodic about how maybe he should run for King, perhaps foreshadowing his political career. This sets up the next match:

Match for the Crown: King Haku vs. Harley Race
Your storyline: Race suffered what would turn out to be a legit career-ending injury at the hands of Hulk Hogan. As a result, a distraught Bobby Heenan was forced to crown a new king, Haku. Now, Race is back and wants his crown back. That’s about it. Not much in the way of crowd reaction for this match, since they’re both pretty much heels, though Race is kind-of the de facto babyface. Heenan is the best part of the match, rooting for each participant in turn when they are in control. Not bad, but fairly dull. Finish comes when Haku ducks a clothesline and nails a STIFF side kick for the pinfall to retain his crown. Sadly, this would pretty much be Race’s last match. Man, they have killed the crowd dead with the past few segments.

More interviews: Brutus Beefcake says he’ll win. Greg Valentine says he’ll win. Mr. Fuji says the Powers of Pain will win…uh, again. Big John Studd says he’ll win. Mr. Perfect says he’ll win. Macho Man says he’ll win. One of these guys is right.

Gene interviews Ted DiBiase, who seems a LITTLE happier about his number than he did an hour ago.

And Sean Mooney interviews the Heenan Family’s entrants, Andre and the Brainbusters. Wow, we are REALLY stalling for time, here.

And after all that talking, MORE TALKING! This time, Hogan, who wants to win and eliminate current feud-ee the Big Boss Man.

And now, FINALLY…

The Royal Rumble
The Fink runs down the rules, which are pretty much the rules as they will stay from now on, give or take some time from the intervals.

First Two Entrants: #1. Ax from Demolition, #2. Smash from Demolition
And we start with a classic moment, as both halves of the WWF Tag Team Champs draw 1 and 2, and now have to fight each other. And, better yet, the classic Demolition theme song is still on here in all its glory, even though it had been edited out of earlier releases. This pleases me mightily, as the Demos’ song may be my favorite theme of all time. Anyway, the freshly face-turned Ax and Smash (the crowd still isn’t really cheering them at this point, though this match would do a lot to change that) tear into each other for the whole two minutes, until the clock appears (still no countdown from the crowd) to herald the entrance of…

#3. Andre the Giant
Now HERE’s a fine how-do-you-do. Heenan comes out with Andre, then turns around and leaves, as this year no managers are allowed at ringside. The Demos quickly shelve their brawl and attack Andre, drawing a big pop from the crowd. They try to get him out, to no avail, as Andre fights them off. The crowd FINALLY, tentatively, starts counting down with the clock.

#4. “Mr. Perfect” Curt Hennig
We were still referring to him by his real name at this point, though the nickname would soon completely replace the real one. He also had his old short trunks, though he’d switch to the classic Olympic tights at Mania. Perfect starts attacking everyone, busting up the attack on Andre, allowing Andre to casually eliminate Smash. Ax and Perfect unite to work over Andre. Perfect is in all his glory overselling everything Andre does. The countdown is quite loud from now on.

#5. “Rugged” Ronnie Garvin
Garvin is the much-maligned former-NWA champ, though *I* always liked the guy. He’d also have a hell of a good match the following year at the Rumble with Valentine. We’ll get to that later. Anyway, one big Garvin shot ties Andre up in the ropes, and all three of the non-giants work him over. He still doesn’t go out, though. Andre casually sits on Ax in the corner while repelling the attack of the other two.

#6. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine
Hammer quickly joins the Andre-beating, but they STILL can’t get the big guy out of there. He even eliminates Garvin with one hand. If he wasn’t our top heel, Andre’s effort would be applauded here. The Giant starts dominating the ring.

#7. Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Huge pop for Jake, who was feuding with Andre at the time over Andre’s snake phobia. And you think feuds NOW are silly. Andre meets him coming in and starts beating the hell out of him right away, not giving Jake a chance to breathe. The others in the ring work each other over, letting Andre do his damage to Jake.

#8. “The Outlaw” Ron Bass
Bass’s crowning moment is right here. See, he’d been feuding with Brutus Beefcake, culminating, as most of Beefcake’s feuds did, with Brutus cutting Bass’s hair. Thing is, the Saturday Night’s Main Event where Bass gets shaved would air AFTER this, but was taped BEFORE this, so Bass comes out bald and no one knows why. Ah well. Andre eliminates Jake really easily, shocking the crowd. Unique booking, as we have only one babyface in there at this point: Ax. Everyone pairs off into corners.

#9. Shawn Michaels
Shawn makes his Rumble debut to a very high-pitched pop, as the Rockers are teen heartthrobs at this point. If I told you that two of the entrants in this Rumble would go on to win it twice in a row, who amongst you would have picked Shawn as one of them? Sometimes you just can’t call it. Perfect finally eliminates Ax with a backdrop, and then Shawn and Perfect pair off to show how great they are as workers by putting on a sequence that puts EVERYONE else in the match to shame. Andre chokes out Bass and Valentine takes a breather.

#10. Butch from the Bushwhackers
Ah, the Bushwhackers. Let us take a moment to reflect on all the great wrestling moments your WWF tenure brought us…okay, moment over. Crowd’s pop gets MUCH louder when Jake Roberts comes back out with Damien (his snake, for the uninitiated), which causes Andre to eliminate himself in fear, to a huge pop. This set up their epic match at WrestleMania, and by “epic” I mean “duller than dishwater.” The ring is considerably more focused on “every man for himself” now that Andre’s gone.

#11. The Honky Tonk Man
Honky is so over that when fellow heel Mr. Perfect tries to eliminate him, the crowd cheers huge for Perfect. His was resentment heat, though (as in, “this guy is so bad we hate his guts for real” - also known as “X-Pac Heat“), and he really stunk in the ring. Not much going on, though Shawn teases elimination to keep the crowd in it.

#12. Tito Santana
Tito’s now a singles babyface, though he’ll re-team with Martel at WrestleMania, setting up Martel’s heel turn and subsequently setting up Tito and Martel feuding for, like, two years. Still not much going on.

#13. Bad News Brown
Bad News is being groomed for main event heel push at this point, though that would be derailed by Randy Savage turning heel for WrestleMania. Tito and Butch team up to eliminate Honky to a big pop. Shawn hits a top rope move on Bad News and Bass, then AGAIN teases elimination.

#14. Marty Jannetty
The other half of the Rockers shows up and quickly the two of them team up to eliminate Bass with a double dropkick. Tito hits the Hammer with his flying forearm, but can’t eliminate him.

#15. “Macho Man” Randy Savage
Savage is the WWF champion at this point, and his feud is with Bad News, because Brown claimed that Savage was ducking him and that Elizabeth was “doing favors” for WWF president Jack Tunney. That was as close to edgy as WWF feuds would get until the mid-90’s. Savage attacks News to a HUGE pop. Randy was about as over as Hogan at this point and a WAY better worker, so of course, we turn him heel and give the belt back to Hogan two months later. Sigh. Everyone pairs off once again. Dream match that never quite happened: Perfect vs. Savage.

#16. Arn Anderson
Arn was half of the Brainbusters tag team, in the WWF for a cup of coffee and a tag title reign before Arn headed back to WCW. Arn and Shawn pair off quickly, as the Busters and the Rockers had an unstated feud for the Busters whole tenure, since they came in at the same time. Arn is probably the best worker who never got a world title push, IMO, always overshadowed by his buddy Ric Flair, but that’s just my sour grapes. Foreshadowing: Savage teams up with heel Arn to eliminate babyface Michaels. Don’t sweat it, Shawn, in another five years you’ll win two in a row. Arn gets crotched on the top rope by Jannetty and teases elimination.

#17. Tully Blanchard
Tully is the other half of the Busters, and that’s twice already in one Rumble where both members of a tag team come out back-to-back. Keep this in mind. Tully saves Arn from elimination, and Bad News and Savage pair off again. Tully and Arn double up on Jannetty and then eliminate him.

#18. Hulk Hogan
The place, naturally, goes ballistic at Hogan’s arrival, and the ring, naturally, will soon be a little more vacant. Hogan saves Savage from elimination by Perfect, then dramatically eliminates Hennig. But Perfect sets the new longevity record: 28 minutes. Hogan works over Bad News, and while the camera’s focused on that, Savage eliminates Tito. More foreshadowing. Hogan teases elimination at the hands of Bad News, but Savage does not help him in response. MORE foreshadowing.

#19. Luke from the Bushwhackers
The ring currently has three tag teams (Brainbusters, Bushwhackers and the Mega Powers - Hogan and Savage) and Bad News Brown. Bad News eliminates Butch, with some incidental help from Hogan, and then Hogan and Savage try to eliminate Bad News, with no luck. The heels pair off to beat up the Mega Faces, with Luke joining the heels, just cuz.

#20. Koko B. Ware
Luckily he doesn’t wear his tights that have “WWF” plastered on the back, because I can just imagine the nightmare THAT would be to blur out. Everyone pairs off again. Arn goes up to get slammed off by Hogan. Hulk casually tosses Koko and Luke in short order. The Busters quickly double team Hogan while Savage and Bad News keep fighting on the ropes.

#21. The Warlord
Warlord is half of the Powers of Pain, and would set a rather dubious bit of history…in just a second. Meanwhile, Hogan catches BOTH Brainbusters with a clothesline and eliminates them both. Well, thanks a pantload, Terry. Warlord steps in…and is immediately clotheslined out by Hogan, giving him the all-time record for shortest Rumble stint at about 2 seconds. Of course, the WWF would for years forget this one and give Luke of the Bushwhackers credit for shortest stint (about 5 seconds) but now, all of a sudden, this year at the Rumble they acknowledged Warlord’s, um, honor. What, did they hire someone to keep track who actually has a memory? Meantime, Hogan tosses Bad News AND Savage as they fight on the ropes, which, shall we say, displeases the Macho Man. Macho jumps back in the ring and yells at Hogan for a while until Elizabeth comes down and makes them shake hands. Yep, MORE FORESHADOWING. Savage would turn heel about two weeks later, setting up Mania, and a whole lot of money is made.

#22. The Big Boss Man
Oh, what a coincidence, the Boss Man just happens to be who Hogan is currently feuding with. So we get a one-on-one with Hogan and Boss Man for a couple minutes, with Hogan dominating. Boss Man would get a lot better in the ring and lose a lot of weight over the years…then gain weight, then lose weight, then gain it, and so on, which may be a big reason that he is sadly no longer with us. Boss Man misses a splash…

#23. Akeem
The other half of the Twin Towers, meaning Hogan is facing a 2-on-1. The announcers immediately shout how there’s no way Boss Man and Akeem got this lucky, and the drawing had to be manipulated by the Million Dollar Man. Despite the fact that there were already two instances of tag teams coming out one right after the other. And, on a logic level, if DiBiase sold his number to Slick, does that mean Ted had 22 or 23? Why was he so upset about that? Anyway, end of logic discussion, let’s watch Hogan get slaughtered. And get slaughtered he does, as after a brief flurry of offense, the Towers start teaming up, and eliminate Hogan with shocking ease. Hogan, being Hogan, pulls Boss Man to the floor and beats him up some more, leading to a big brawl out there until…

#24. Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake
Barber comes out to help Hogan on the floor, but that only serves to get Brutus double teamed back in the ring by the Towers…until, that is, Hogan pulls down the top rope, spilling Boss Man to the floor and eliminating him. What a model of good sportsmanship that Hogan was for all the kids of America. Hogan and Boss Man brawl to the back while Akeem is still working over Brutus in the ring.

#25. The Red Rooster
Rooster is, of course, Terry Taylor, a great worker who got saddled with the Rooster name for the rest of his career thanks to this run. To those who claim that Vince McMahon is a genius, I only have to say “Red Rooster.” It’s the perfect rebuttal to any such argument. Hmm, wonder if that would work in political debates, too. “I am strongly in favor of a flat tax.” “Red Rooster.” “Darn it, you got me.” Hmm, doesn’t seem to work. Ah well. Rooster and Brutus team up to work on Akeem, but can’t toss him out. The crowd is quite deflated by Hogan’s elimination.

#26. The Barbarian
The other half of the Powers of Pain teases helping out the faces, but beats up on them instead. Well, that was smart. We pair off, Brutus and Barbarian, Rooster and Akeem. Oddly enough, Rooster does the better of the two, at least until Akeem splashes him almost through the ring mat.

#27. Big John Studd
Studd was a major heel in the mid-80s WWF, and the Rumble was part of his big return as a babyface. See, you knew he was a face because he called Bobby Heenan a weasel. Studd hits the ring and immediately attacks Akeem, throwing anyone who tries to help aside. Rooster and Brutus thus team up on Barbarian, to no avail.

#28. Hercules
Herc is another longtime heel who was turned babyface when Bobby Heenan tried to sell him to Ted DiBiase as a slave. No, really, they really did that as an angle. Herc makes little impact and everyone pairs off again.

#29. Rick Martel
Martel tries to go at Akeem, too, and again Studd tosses him away. He then pairs off with the Rooster as Herc and Brutus work on Barbarian. This is really an…odd group to have at the end. No one in there right now outside of Brutus is really over.

#30. “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase
And DiBiase’s machinations pay off, and he inherits the #30 curse. Virgil comes out with him, and despite the manager embargo, stays at ringside for the rest of the match. DiBiase works on Herc right away. DiBiase and the Rooster pair off until a whip to the corner by Ted is dramatically oversold by the Rooster for the elimination. Then, Hercules takes over and beats on Ted for a while, until Brutus and Herc get into it. Brutus locks on a sleeper, but DiBiase and the Barbarian team up to dump BOTH Herc and Brutus. Barbarian beats on Martel for a while, even nailing a top rope head butt, but gets caught with a Martel dropkick and eliminated.

The Final Four: Akeem, Big John Studd, Rick Martel and “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase
This arrangement doesn’t last very long, as Martel hits a couple dropkicks and takes a running charge at Akeem, but gets caught and casually dumped out. That leaves Akeem, DiBiase and Studd. DiBiase and Akeem team up in that most capitalist of ways: Akeem does all the work and DiBiase promises to pay him for his help. It works well for a while until Studd pulls DiBiase in the way of a splash in the corner. Akeem checks on DiBiase, which allows Studd to tap Akeem in the back of the head, which allows Akeem to dramatically oversell the hit and go spilling out over the top to the floor. That leaves two. DiBiase, of course, immediately offers Studd a bribe, which is quickly denied. Studd then sets about dismantling DiBiase, tossing him around like a rag doll before eliminating him in what may be the most anti-climactic Rumble finish ever. Big John Studd wins Rumble ‘89. Good pop for the finish, at least. Virgil jumps in to beat on Studd after the match, and that goes about as well as you’d expect, which is to say, Virgil gets his *ss handed to him. Virgil gets tossed over the top just as an exclamation point. This was supposed to be the start of a big babyface push for Studd, but it turned out to be his last WWF PPV match ever, sadly, as he was gone from the company not long after Mania and passed away due to liver cancer and Hodgkin’s Disease in 1995.

Afterward, Mean Gene interviews Randy Savage in the back. There’s no problem between him and Hogan, how dare you suggest such a thing?

Back to the broadcasters to wrap things up: Gorilla, of course, totally buys that the Powers are A-OK. Jesse, of course, smells a rat. History would settle that debate quite convincingly, methinks. We even get a moment of wisdom from the Body and Future Governor: “Talk is cheap and so are handshakes.” Not quite as dramatic as “Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat,” but it’ll do.

We get the traditional closing freeze frame montage, which they did before they mastered making music videos to close the show.

THOUGHTS:
This was my first Rumble ever as a fan, though I didn’t see it on PPV - I had no cable until 1994, which meant that I had to wait for video for everything. As a result, I’ve only seen the Coliseum Video version of this until recently, which cut pretty much EVERY match down (but, oddly, had the freaking POSEDOWN in its entirety). The Rumble was mostly intact, but they cut out a bit of the last segment for some reason. Because of my emotional attachment to the show, I really can’t be objective about the quality of this one, as for nostalgia alone it’s always a blast to watch. Still, outside of the opening match, there’s not much to this show outside of the Rumble, and we were still working the kinks out of booking the big match (the last segment was fairly heatless, as all the main eventers were gone by then). Still, a fun show that demonstrated how the Rumble would work as a pay-per-view, though we’d have to wait a few years before it gained the level of importance in WWF storylines that it did. But, as a DVD, this one has NO changes to the music or anything (outside of the opening logo), and very few “WWF” omissions are noticeable, so this is one of the best releases of an old event they’ve ever done.

Next time: Rumble ‘90! Better booking! No 2 out of 3 fall matches! And maybe the biggest one-on-one showdown of all time, to boot!

Royal Rumble '88

(Yes, finally. :) )

Like a lot of things that came out of the then-WWF in the late 1980’s, it was invented for one reason and one reason only: To screw with Jim Crockett.

Back in November 1987, Jim Crockett Promotions, the biggest subsidiary of the National Wrestling Alliance and the company which would eventually morph into WCW, planned to put their biggest pay-per-view of the year, Starrcade ‘87, on Thanksgiving night. The WWF, not wanting to give the struggling company a chance to breathe, decided to run their own pay-per-view on the same night, and thus the Survivor Series was born.

Crockett, then, decided to put his next pay-per-view, The Bunkhouse Stampede, in late January 1988, probably figuring the WWF wouldn’t dare run another PPV that day, since it was so close to their own “granddaddy of them all,” WrestleMania. Well, Crockett was right…and he was wrong. The WWF didn’t run a pay-per-view that night, but instead ran a full 2 ½ hour event on the USA Network instead. And to make the show special, they filled it with star power and decided to try a crazy idea that Pat Patterson had.

Patterson, longtime wrestler and booker (writer) for the WWF had come up with a concept that would combine the elements of a Battle Royal (where a large number of wrestlers fight in the ring at the same time and eliminate each other over the top rope) with the elements of one of the NWA’s main attractions, WarGames (where two teams face off and wrestlers would enter the match at two minute intervals). The basic structure: Start with two wrestlers. Every two minutes another one would enter. You’re eliminated if you go over the top rope. Last one standing wins.

Patterson pitched his idea to McMahon, and was met with resounding indifference. Patterson continued to press the issue, with little success...until the Crockett pay-per-view was announced. Then, one day while they were pitching ideas for the special to the network, McMahon turned to Patterson and said, “Tell him about your stupid idea for that ‘Royal Rumble.’” Patterson did, the network exec loved it, and the rest is history.

I firmly believe the Rumble is the greatest gimmick match in the history of the business. It is the only match of its kind to have matured into an annual tradition - after it was first run on January 24, 1988 and drew record ratings for the USA Network, the WWF quickly added it as an annual pay-per-view starting in 1989 (proving that running a show that close to WrestleMania WOULDN’T cause Mania’s buyrate to drop). Its concept makes it as close to foolproof as possible in terms of execution. In form and style, it is very entertaining and very HARD to make boring - no matter what’s happening, in two minutes it’ll all change. It’s the kind of match that even non-wrestling fans enjoy. My appreciation for the concept was what led to the creation of the BGSU Rumble in 2003.

So, with the release of WWE’s new box set of all 20 Royal Rumble events, I thought now was the time to take a little stroll down memory lane and re-watch all the old classics, as well as review the DVDs for fans who are uncertain about whether or not to buy the set themselves. Certainly the WWE’s legal wrangling and modifications can butcher old events (as all references to “the WWF” now have to be edited out, and occasionally music is altered, as well), but hey, it’s the Rumble, and I couldn’t pass this one up.

So we begin with the one that started it all, the one that’s never been available on video before now, and the one I had never seen before acquiring the set:

Royal Rumble 1988
1/24/1988
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada

Your hosts: Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura. Yes, thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster, any legal issues with using Jesse’s commentary track were settled - the set would have a HUGE strike against it if they edited out his work.

Opening Match: Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat vs. “Ravishing” Rick Rude
Music Update: Rude’s “The Stripper” rip-off seems to be intact, but Steamboat’s music (he used “Sirius” by Alan Parsons Project, better known as the music the Bulls entered to in the Michael Jordan years) is edited out for obvious reasons. This starts a bizarre trend on the DVDs of having Howard Finkel overdub his announcements whenever we need to overdub the music. So one moment (Rude’s entrance) you get Howard Finkel as he sounded then announcing to an arena, and the next (Steamboat’s entrance) you get Finkel as he sounds now announcing to a sound booth with fake crowd noise pumped in. Strange. Anyway, match is a long (nearly 20 minutes) and dull affair, as neither guy seems trying that hard. Rude I can buy that from, but Steamboat? One memorable moment: Rude has Steamboat in a reverse chinlock, referee checks Steamboat’s arm, setting up the old “I let my arm drop once, then twice, third time I keep my arm up and start my comeback” bit. Only Steamboat FORGETS to keep his arm up, which should mean the end of the match, but knowing there’s at least five minutes left, the referee instead checks the arm again, and this time Steamer remembers and the match continues. That kind of error is SO not Steamboat. Anyway, the finish sees a ref bump caused by Rude, followed by his then-submission finisher, and the referee calls for the bell. Rude, of course, thinks he’s won, but everyone else knows it’s a DQ win for Steamboat. Dull match, cliché finish, both guys would go on to better things.

Dino Bravo Weightlifting Challenge
Speaking of dull, here we have The World’s Strongest Man (after Ted Arcidi but before Mark Henry) Dino Bravo attempting to set a “new world record” in the bench press. The record’s 705 pounds, so of course he starts at like 450 and just adds weight in 50 pound increments until he gets there. Between the time for the reps and stalling to yell at the crowd, this takes 20 MINUTES. Finally he reaches 715, and “spotter” Jesse Ventura reaches down and obviously “helps” Bravo lift the weight up and “set the record.” Of course, since Bravo’s a heel he’d use this for years to get cheap heat. Endless segment.

Women’s Tag Team Title Match, 2 Out of 3 Falls: The Glamour Girls (champions) w/ Jimmy Hart vs. The Jumping Bomb Angels
Yes, there actually was a Women’s Tag Team Title, primarily because we signed the Jumping Bomb Angels and wanted to give them a prop. Glamour Girls get no music, and whatever the Angels’ music was, it’s overdubbed. This match is SO ahead of its time it’s not funny. The Angels are Japanese wrestlers Noriyo Tateno and Itsuki Yamazaki, who as workers outclassed pretty much EVERYONE else on the WWF roster, and this match is no exception. The Glamour Girls (veterans Leilani Kai and Judy Martin) keep up, though, and the end result is a really good match by both the standards of the time and today’s. This one would easily fit on a ROH show today. First fall is won by the Glamour Girls when Martin hits an over-the-shoulder power bomb variation. (As Scott Keith pointed out, the NORMAL power bomb wasn’t even being used in the US at this point, and here they are doing VARIATIONS on it.) Second fall sees the Angels tie it up when the same move is countered into a sunset flip for the pin. Third fall is fast paced stuff that ends with the Angels hitting a double dropkick for the titles. They’d hold them for six months, never making another major TV appearance, really, then drop them back to the Glamour Girls in June, at which point the titles faded back into obscurity. Ah well, we’ll always have this match. Sigh…

Next we get the history leading up to…

Hulk Hogan/Andre the Giant - Contract Signing
And anyone who has ever watched a contract signing in wrestling knows where this is going. And we take about 10 minutes to get there, as Andre stalls before even SITTING DOWN at the table to sign it. Then Ted DiBiase, Andre’s manager, stalls by taunting Hogan while he signs it. Then Andre stalls in reading it. Then he stalls in signing it. Then, FINALLY, Andre attacks Hogan and turns the table on top of him, leaving him laying. Wow, didn’t see that coming. This set up their match on The Main Event, where Andre won the title and immediately “surrendered” it to DiBiase, which set up WrestleMania IV.

And now, finally, it is time for…

The Royal Rumble
Rule variations for the first one: it’s only a 20-man Rumble, and they insist that if you go over the top, it’s over no matter where you land. Of course, in practice they only count those who hit the floor, so basically the rules are the same in that respect.

First two entrants ever: #1. Bret “Hitman” Hart, #2 Tito Santana
Both guys are already in the ring, so no music. Bret, at this point, is a mid-card heel, half of the Hart Foundation, and managed by Jimmy Hart. Tito is a mid-card babyface and half of the team Strike Force, who were reigning champions at that point. The two teams had a feud over the belts, so the first segment has some built-in crowd heat. They exchange offense for a while, until the clock comes up (not apparently shown to the crowd, because nobody counts down with it as would become tradition later) to herald the entrance of…

#3. “The Natural” Butch Reed
See, he was an African American with blonde hair, so he’s “The Natural.” Nyuk nyuk. Butch attacks Tito, as the whole “every man for himself” thing didn’t mean heels beating heels or faces beating faces yet. Bret and Butch beat on Tito for a while until…

#4. Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart
Jim is Bret’s tag team partner, so now Tito’s facing a 3-on-1 situation. The heels take great delight in beating the hell out of Santana for the entire two minute period, finally trying to eliminate him until…

#5. Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Jake jumps in and eliminates Butch Reed right away, saving Tito in the process. Now it’s Jake/Tito vs. the Harts, dominated by the babyfaces until Bret clotheslines Jake just before…

#6. “The King” Harley Race
All-time-great and now-Hall-of-Famer Race was shoehorned into a mid-card heel role as a member of the Heenan Family, and proceeds to give the heels a 3-on-2 advantage until…

#7. “Jumping” Jim Brunzell
One half of the face team the Killer Bees. Yes, Virginia, there was a time where we could put guys in yellow-and-black striped tights and they would get over. Brunzell evens the score, and we start trying to eliminate people in earnest. No one goes, though.

#8. Sam Houston
Sam is a skinny jobber-to-the-stars and, BTW, Jake Roberts’s half-brother. That gives the faces a 4-on-3 advantage, though by now it kinda breaks down and the “us vs. them” factor gets shelved. The Harts team up to toss Tito out, however.

#9. “Dangerous” Danny Davis
Danny is a former referee-turned-low-card heel, and doesn’t make much impact. Everybody pairs off and has little mini-matches in varying corners.

#10. Boris Zukhov
One half of the heel tag team the Bolsheviks. They’re evil Russians, naturally. First violation of the face/heel rule: Harley Race beating on Boris.

#11. “The Rock” Don Muraco
No, not THAT Rock…Muraco is a former Intercontinental champion who turned babyface and dubbed himself “The Rock,” a good ten years before Rocky Maivia adopted the same name. For some reason, Nikolai Volkoff (Boris’s tag team partner) follows Muraco out and tries to come in with him, but the referees prevent it. Coincidentally, Jake and Brunzell team up to eliminate Zukhov, one of the only times the “slowly ease him out of the ring” bit actually works.

#12. Nikolai Volkoff
They finally allow Nikolai into the ring, just in time to see Muraco blast Race with a shot and eliminate him. Brunzell gets tossed to the apron, but doesn’t hit the floor and climbs back in, thus proving their declaration of rules to be incorrect.

#13. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
He carries the 2x4 to the ring and gets into a little tussle with the slow-to-leave Race, but leaves the board on the floor before entering. Ring is starting to get crowded.

#14. “The Outlaw” Ron Bass
You don’t know Bass and shouldn’t care, really. His most memorable moment would come at the next year’s Rumble, we‘ll cover that later. Volkoff powers Brunzell out of the ring to eliminate him.

#15. B. Brian Blair
Blair is Brunzell’s partner, there just in the nick of too late to save him. Crowd is constantly chanting “DDT” for Jake, no matter who he’s fighting with.

#16. Hillbilly Jim
Jim is a big powerhouse who had an unspectacular career, but is apparently somehow STILL on the WWE payroll, working for the video department or something. He eliminates Neidhart to say hello. Blair, like his partner, gets tossed but lands on the apron.

#17. Dino Bravo
Bravo makes little impact. Houston jumps on Bass’s shoulders, a frankly stupid move, and not surprisingly he gets eliminated as a result.

#18. The Ultimate Warrior
The Warrior was just a muscular mid-carder in face paint at this point, and wasn’t yet, you know, THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR. Muraco dramatically tosses Bret, and Bret sets the first longevity record: 26 minutes.

#19. The One Man Gang
The Gang is a huge guy in black trunks who’d later be known as Akeem. He would even later be called “The late, great One Man Gang” by Michael Cole in a commentary track, which is a neat trick considering HE’S STILL ALIVE. Gang tosses Blair and Jake Roberts in short order.

#20. The Junkyard Dog
JYD gets the dubious honor of starting the “last guy doesn’t win” tradition. Duggan eliminates Volkoff with a backbody drop. The Gang eliminates Hillbilly Jim. Big clothesline from Duggan eliminates Danny Davis. Bravo and the Gang team up to eliminate the Warrior. Ron Bass sneaks up from behind to eliminate JYD, then Muraco nails Bass from behind to eliminate him, leaving us with…

The Final Four: “The Rock” Don Muraco, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, Dino Bravo and the One Man Gang
We pair off into faces vs. heels, leading to Muraco getting eliminated in probably the only time ever the “you hold the face, I’ll run and hit him with a clothesline” bit ACTUALLY WORKS. So Duggan’s facing a two-on-one, and makes a go of it by attacking them first. They try the bit that worked on Muraco, but they’ve used up their karma with that one, so this time it fails and Bravo gets eliminated by his own partner. That leaves Duggan/Gang. Gang dominates with his size, but then stupidly charges at Duggan while he’s on the ropes, and Duggan pulls down the top rope, which sends him spilling to the floor, making Jim Duggan the winner of the first-ever Rumble. In execution, it would get better over the years, but not a bad start at all.

There’s more to the show, sadly…

First we Take You Back to Hogan getting beat up earlier tonight, then we take you to Hogan himself talking about getting beaten up and facing Andre. He’ll beat him at the Main Event, and so on.

2 Out of 3 Falls: The Islanders vs. The Young Stallions
Man, they liked the “2 Out of 3 Falls” stipulation on this show. Both teams come out to their normal music, no overdubs here. The Islanders are not related to the New York hockey team, FYI. They are, in fact, Haku (who would go on to become King Haku and Meng in WCW) and Tama (who would go on to…uh…be the guy who once teamed with the guy who became King Haku and Meng). If they are somehow related to wrestling’s Samoan family tree, I don’t know how, though I seem to recall the Rock mentioning Haku in his book. They’re also managed by Bobby Heenan, who for some reason isn’t out there. The Young Stallions are perennial jobbers Jim Powers and Paul Roma. Roma would get his best chance at success as part of the Power and Glory tag team with Hercules, but it went nowhere. Funny pre-match moment: Jesse tells Vince that he can’t get on Heenan’s case about Matilda the bulldog’s ill health (um, don’t ask) because, as a broadcast journalist, he shouldn’t speak out until he has all the facts. Vince: “Why not, they do it all the time.” So Vinnie was ALWAYS leery of the media, I see, even before they started outing wrestlers by name…but, I digress. I am writing way too much about a match that is of utterly no importance, but there you go. The match is basically a time-filler because we hadn’t perfected the art of timing our live shows for television, so we’d throw a match out there and let it run until we were out of time. Jesse and Vince prove this by talking about everything BUT the match. And, to add to the dullness, the crowd is dead. If not outright leaving. Finally, Roma gets a “hot” tag, and we’re so lackadaisical Hell doesn’t even Break Loose. Finally, Haku pulls down the top rope and Roma spills to the floor, “hurting his knee,” and referee Joey Marella counts him out (taking about a minute to do so, as Jesse rightly points out), giving the first fall to the Islanders.

And, just to show how much we think of the match in progress, when we come back from break, we show the Andre/Hogan signing highlights AGAIN, and then interview DiBiase and Andre. He’ll beat Hogan at the Main Event, and so on.

And now we’re back to the match, as Roma got a tape job on the knee to sell the injury. Per rules of tag wrestling, Roma starts the second fall and gets his knee beaten on a lot. Crowd on the hard side of the camera is emptying out before our eyes. Powers tags in and doesn’t take too long to become Face In Trouble, and gets beaten on for a few minutes. Then Roma again gets a “hot” tag, which gets squashed in about ten seconds by Haku, leading to more work on the knee until Roma submits to a single leg crab. Heels win in two straight falls? Not even the slightest hint of a comeback by the Stallions? Well, that was a weird match.

The arena empties out in record time, and Vince and Jesse wrap it up. And we show the Hogan/Andre footage AGAIN.

THOUGHTS:
Wow, other than being historic, groundbreaking and important, this is a crushingly dull show. The women’s tag match is really good and the Rumble itself is good for the first one, but otherwise this is really not an impressive effort at all. It would get better. As a DVD, though, there are a minimum of annoying music edits and so forth (thanks, mainly, to the structure of the Rumble match, which didn’t play the entrants’ music at this point), and the commentary is in all its original glory, so it’s one of the better WWE releases of old footage to date.

Next time: Rumble ‘89! We go to pay-per-view! We expand to 30 entrants! We add main eventers!