Royal Rumble '91

(Note to Andy and Power: Glad you're enjoying 'em! And I'm getting 'em done as quick as I can, Andy! :) )

This is it: The beginning of the end.

Yeah, I’m exaggerating a little bit, as it’s not like the business as a whole, and the WWF in particular, was still surging strongly at the time Royal Rumble ‘91 came about. But it was still damn healthy in 1990, and the Hogan/Warrior dream match ended up drawing nearly 70,000 people to the SkyDome in Toronto for WrestleMania VI. Grand plans were drawn up to hold WrestleMania VII at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, which would hold more than 100,000 people. Sure, maybe they’d have to comp some seats to fill the place, but man, would that sight be impressive.

Instead, the event ended up being held in the slightly less impressive Los Angeles Sports Arena, in front of roughly 20,000 fans. The WWF, to this day, claims that this was NOT due to poor ticket sales - they claim a bomb threat forced them to move locations at the last minute. But WWE is also curiously tight-lipped on how many tickets they had sold for their previously-planned venue. And then the following year, for WrestleMania VIII, the WWF was unable to fill the 60,000 seat Hoosier Dome (large sections of the upper levels sat vacant for a show that supposedly would feature “Hulk Hogan’s Last Match”), even with comp tickets.

Something happened. And I think an angle that was set up and executed to reach a major climax at this show was a big part of it. I think a line of taste was crossed the likes of which the WWF had not really crossed before - a line which previous wrestling promoters had exploited in the past, but that was then and this was now. But all this is prologue. Let’s watch it as it happened and you tell me if you agree.

Royal Rumble 1991
Miami, Florida
1/19/1991

We open with a silent shot of the American flag waving, and then they play the national anthem in the arena. (Which is a switch - typically, the WWF only played/performed “America the Beautiful,” as only the “real” sporting events played the national anthem.) For those who don’t remember, this was just a couple weeks before Operation Desert Storm was to commence, so, as in all wartime situations, patriotism was flying high. So, the WWF, with its history of good taste and tact, looked at this patriotism and asked, “Okay, how can we make money off of this?”

Opening video. Mean Gene does the intro for all the Rumble entrants with cheesy music playing in the background. Hmm, I wonder if they had to overdub this...

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Roddy Piper, who plug how they’re beaming the show free of charge to the Armed Forces Network. Always say this: the WWF/WWE does a lot of good work through the USO to support the troops, from giving them shows for free on TV to doing whole tours in Baghdad on Christmas. That stuff is REALLY cool, and they should be applauded for it. It doesn’t make what they do in this show any less exploitive, though.

The Orient Express (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs. The Rockers
MUSIC ALERT: The Orient Express’s music is overdubbed with what sounds like Kabuki drums, and Howard Finkel overdubs his intro, which he then has to synch to the video because the camera was focused on him. Really weird. The Express are comprised at this point of Pat Tanaka (only known by his last name) and Kato, who is veteran worker Paul Diamond under a mask to hide the fact that he’s not Asian. These two used to team as Badd Company back in the AWA days, but using that name would require Vince McMahon to admit someone other than himself had a good idea in wrestling. The Rockers have been little more than glorified job boys for pretty much their entire WWF tenure, until they finally started winning right around the time of this match. So, you have a reunited veteran team and an up-and-coming young team who is just starting to get a fair shake. What do you get when you put ‘em together? A classic, of course. Everyone is just hitting everything to the nines, and the Rockers are working like they have something to prove. Just great fast-paced stuff throughout, and the crowd is red-hot for the whole thing. Just amazing back-and-forth action for its time period, and it still holds up today. Shawn in particular is filling out into the star he will become. He takes a big double-team clothesline on the top rope to become official Face In Trouble, and as a result gets to do what he does best: Sell like he’s getting murdered by every blow. He takes minutes of punishment on end until one of the most brilliant Race-To-Tag setups ever…the Express tries to double clothesline Shawn with a belt, and he instead dives onto the belt and sends them crashing into each other. Great stuff. Marty gets the tag, House Afire and then, naturally, Hell Breaks Loose. Shawn takes a hellacious bump off the top to the floor, too. The finish is equally brilliant: the Express do a spot where they slingshot Marty into a chop by Tanaka. They try it again, but Shawn hits Tanaka in the guts, doubling him over, and when Marty gets thrown, he turns it into a sunset flip for the pinfall. That’s the kind of brilliant spot-making that made the Rockers so ahead of their time. Great, great opener that totally jazzes the crowd. Sadly, after putting on this great match, the Express would get exactly ONE more WWF PPV match EVER, and the Rockers would be broken up by the time the next Rumble rolled around.

And it all begins…Sean Mooney interviews the Macho King in the back. He says (in Savage-speak) that he’s the greatest champion ever and wants a title shot. Slaughter has told him that if he wins the title, Slaughter will give him a title shot. The Warrior, who Savage has been feuding with for months, has yet to make that commitment. So, Savage has sent Sherri out to “bait” the Warrior. To the arena…

Where Mean Gene is standing with Sherri, who reaffirms what Randy just said, and calls out the Warrior to repsond. Out comes the Warrior (in leather “USA” jacket) to a huge pop. Sherri asks him for a title shot for Savage, as advertised. Warrior does not answer. Sherri responds to this by…well…coming onto him - flirting with him, undressing him with her mouth and then undressing him literally, peeling off his jacket. Then she fondles his hair and rubs his shoulders. Then she kisses him and drops to her knees. She makes the SLIGHTEST gesture toward his shorts and I’m outta here. All the while, she’s telling him how all she wants is a title match for Savage. Finally, Warrior spits her kiss off and yells, “NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” Well, that was pretty…disturbing. Warrior leaves, Savage comes running out through the crowd onto the platform, completely “bent out of shape,” as Gorilla says. There’s your set-up.

The Barbarian (w/ Bobby Heenan) vs. The Big Boss Man
Your storyline: Bobby Heenan and Rick Rude one day decided to start insulting the (now face-turned) Boss Man’s mother for weeks on end. As punishment, the WWF decided to “indefinitely suspend” Rude and force Heenan to wrestle Boss Man himself. Now, bear in mind, this is a company where individuals regularly assault each other outside the confines of the scheduled area of combat, with potentially harmful weapons such as chains, chairs, pipes, sledgehammers and the occasional Humvee. None of these actions results in a suspension. But by god, you insult someone’s mother and it’s ON. Anyway, so the story is that Boss Man has to go through EVERY member of the Heenan Family to get a shot at Heenan. This sounds like a daunting task until you reflect upon the fact that the Family, by this point, had dwindled to three - count ‘em, THREE - members: Haku, The Barbarian (who was now in his fuzzy underwear phase) and Mr. Perfect. Considering that some species of gnat could have been booked to beat Haku at this point in his WWF tenure, the road becomes even less treacherous. So this is the second leg on the Heenan Family tour, with the final Perfect confrontation coming at WrestleMania. Boss Man had gotten a lot of fire in the ring after his face turn, and was really coming into his own as a talent at this point, and the Barbarian isn’t a BAD big man (he was certainly better than his old partner the Warlord, who was built like a brick sh*thouse, though not as mobile). The end result is a surprisingly entertaining match which does not bring the ultra-hot crowd down at all. A long bearhug spot in the middle slows the pace somewhat, but by the time they get to the end, where they’re exchanging near falls, the crowd is really up for it. End comes with the Barbarian trying for one top rope move too many, and the Boss Man uses his momentum to roll on top for the pinfall, to a big pop. Again, a surprisingly good match - I’d even say it was better than the blowoff match with Perfect at WrestleMania.

And now, Sean Mooney interviews Sgt. Slaughter and his manager General Adnan. It occurs to me that I have not, as yet, actually spelled out what the angle is that puts Slaughter in a position to challenge for the WWF title this evening, or, on a grander scale, ruin wrestling as we know it for roughly the next seven years. Oh, how silly of me. See, Sgt. Slaughter, All-American hero, G.I. Joe cast member and eternal Greg-Baker-Monologue-Inspiration, is playing an Iraqi turncoat. Yep, Slaughter spent six months before the war doing nothing but running down the troops and talking up the “glorious” Iraqi nation, and now that the war is just around the corner, his rhetoric has exploded into full-blown conversion. He’s wearing an Iraqi army uniform. He’s got General Adnan (longtime wrestling personality Adnan Al-Kaissie) as his manager, who they hype as one of “Saddam’s highest ranking generals.” And - and this is most galling of all - he’s WEARING POINTY BOOTS. Now, to the layperson, pointy boots would not seem to be the most egregious of his violations, but wrestling fans know that pointy shoes = EVIL. Especially when you hype them as the WWF did, namely, claiming that they were a special gift from Saddam himself. Now, they never outright SAID that, since that would be, well, lying (wrestlers? lie? PERISH the thought), but instead had the announcers say, in a very ironic tone, “We ALL know who gave him THOSE.” So, all this got Slaughter massively over as a heel (for the fans who stayed, anyway), enough that WWF decided to put in motion a plan which would start tonight. So, Slaughter does his usual “America sucks, I’ll win the title for Iraq” interview, while Adnan occasionally rants in Arabic, with the words “Sergeant Slaughter” sneaking in every now and again.

Mean Gene interviews the Warrior to retort. Because he may be an insane, incomprehensible, irrationally violent maniac, but he’s an AMERICAN, by god, and he can stop this invading menace who was a Real American Hero until a few months ago!

WWF Title Match: Sgt. Slaughter (w/ General Adnan) vs. The Ultimate Warrior (champion)
So, Gorilla reads off a big, long, “cover our *sses” disclaimer as Slaughter is introduced, stressing that Slaughter’s views do not reflect the views of the WWF, or of Arab Americans, or of the overwhelming majority of Arabs all over the world. I feel the need to stress again - the Gulf War was just about to start. A very real war during which American soldiers would risk their lives, and many would die before its conclusion. And here is the WWF, while wrapping itself in the flag of patriotism, running an angle where it is cynically taking advantage of that same patriotism for the sake of a few extra PPV buys. Even as a kid, a young fan who just enjoyed the show, it struck me as a little ludicrous. As an adult, it strikes me as one of the most exploitive angles they ever ran, not really matched until the Eddie-sploitation they engaged in this past year. And to think they decide that the only proper thing to do with this angle would be to GIVE SLAUGHTER THE WWF TITLE AND HAVE HIM MAIN EVENT WRESTLEMANIA.

So, here’s how it goes down. Warrior quickly, totally dominates. Rips the Iraqi flag up for a cheap pop. Continues to beat on Slaughter as Adnan “retreats” to the back. Warrior beats on Slaughter with the flag. It keeps going like that for a while. Out comes Sensational Sherri to stand ringside for Slaughter. She grabs Warrior’s leg as he runs the ropes and Warrior, like an idiot, chases her to the floor and follows her back to the entranceway, where he gets blindsided by the Macho King and beaten down with a lighting stand. Ref wants to count Warrior out, but Slaughter stops the count, naturally. Warrior takes roughly a week to crawl back to the ring on his hands and knees, selling more for ONE Randy Savage beating than he has for pretty much everything else in his entire career combined. Slaughter gets him into the ring and takes control, slowly beating him (and I mean SLOWLY…Slaughter was not exactly Chris Benoit at this point in his career). He locks on his finisher, the Camel Clutch (nyuk nyuk), even though Warrior’s legs are CLEARLY outside the ropes, it takes the referee forever to notice this before he finally calls for the break. Slaughter, being a heel, thinks he won. The referee, being a referee, takes his time in telling him he didn’t. Meantime, Warrior is executing his primary offensive move, which is grabbing the ropes and shaking them vigorously. He does his equivalent of Hulking Up and starts beating Slaughter up again, until out comes Sherri AGAIN, this time carrying Savage’s scepter. Warrior pulls her in and picks her up just in time to toss her to the floor and onto the just-arrived Macho King. Boom, Slaughter hits Warrior from behind, boom, Savage nails Warrior with the scepter, boom, Slaughter pulls Warrior onto the mat, 1, 2, 3, new WWF champion. Crowd is in stunned shock. So was I, watching this as a kid. But even with that childhood perspective, I knew there was only one direction they could be going: Hogan “defending America’s honor” and winning the WWF title back at WrestleMania. And that was, indeed, the direction which the WWF went for their biggest show of the year - nay, their biggest show of ALL TIME. And what did it get them? About 20,000 people in the Los Angeles Sports Arena. And, perhaps, the end of the wrestling boom as we knew it. I do not believe it was a coincidence that the WWF, after the debacles of WrestleManias VII and VIII, did not run another major stadium for WrestleMania until Mania XVII, TEN YEARS LATER. Can one angle do that much damage? I think this one did.

Koko B. Ware vs. The Mountie (w/ Jimmy Hart)
What a way to follow that match, eh? BTW, just annoy me more, Koko’s theme song, which was edited out of the Rumble ‘90 DVD, is intact here. Even though THEY’RE ON THE SAME SET. This either means, a.) the legal problem which kept us from using it a DVD ago was settled by the time we made this one, or b.) WWE’s rights department is run by chimpanzees. I am inclined to vote for b.). Anyway, The Mountie is, of course, Jacques Rougeau in a new gimmick, which we are establishing here. He sadly comes out to his old French horn theme and not his later “I’m the Mountie!” theme. Sigh. How the hell did Jacques Rougeau of all people end up getting two of the best wrestling themes of all time? Three, if you count the Quebecers remix of the Mountie theme. Anyway, match is essentially a squash to get the Mountie over. The announcers spend half the match talking about the WWF title debacle. Crowd’s pretty much out of it, too. Anyway, Koko gets beaten up, makes a comeback, and the Mountie hits what looks like a choke slam variation of the Boss Man Slam to get the pinfall. Pretty pointless.

Sean Mooney interviews Randy Savage and Sherri, who gloat about their actions, then beat a hasty retreat upon hearing some rather loud bangs on their dressing room door.

Gorilla and Roddy rant some more about the WWF title match.

And now, to Slaughter and Adnan for their victory speech. I should have noted this before, but the Warrior was a weird sort who liked to paint the leather strap of the title belt different colors for some reason. So here you have Slaughter, who we’re selling as evil incarnate, cutting a gloating promo over how he’s now the champion of the WWF, and the prize he is so grandly talking up is colored BRIGHT PURPLE. Kinds undercuts the somber mood they want us to be in, ya know?

And Gorilla and Roddy rant some MORE about the WWF title match.

And now, just to try and wash the taste out of our mouths, we get a montage of fans sending their love and support to the troops in the Gulf.

Gorilla and Roddy talk about how Hogan will be making a tour of military hospitals. Again, cool stuff.

And now, your pre-Rumble Interview Montage! Jake will win! No, Earthquake will win! No, the Hammer will win! No, the Texas Tornado will win! No, the Legion of Doom will win! (Hawk: “If life is like a roller coaster, then you don’t wanna take a ride on either of us!” Um, okay…) No, The Undertaker will win! (Man, Brother Love was NEVER a good fit for him.) No, Hacksaw will win! No, the Model will win! No, the Bulldog will win! No, Mr. Perfect will win! No, Tugboat will w…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Sorry, I couldn’t say that one with a straight face.

Gorilla and Roddy talk some more. They also plug the upcoming tag team match with DiBiase and Virgil vs. Dusty and Dustin Rhodes, mentioning that Roddy had lunch with Virgil earlier today. Hmm…

Mooney interviews DiBiase and Virgil. DiBiase rants about why Virgil obeys DiBiase’s orders. Virgil glares at him the whole time. Double hmm…

Dusty and Dustin Rhodes vs. “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase and Virgil
This is basically Dustin’s first trip to the dance, as he debuted during Dusty’s feud with DiBiase. And, if the last two segments didn’t drill the point home enough, they’d been running vignettes for weeks leading up to this with DiBiase “training” for this match by having Virgil massage his toes and wipe cow sh*t off his boots. As a result, pretty much everyone knew what was gonna happen, but seeing as how we’d been waiting for it for YEARS, that was fine. You know how green Dustin was his first few years? Well, he’s EVEN GREENER here. And he does the majority of the work for his team. Virgil, meanwhile, was apparently a damn good worker before his stint as Ted‘s bodyguard, and shows that off here. Anyway, the match isn’t anything great, just basically a backdrop for the angle that will follow it. Dustin becomes official Face In Trouble when he hurts his knee in the corner, setting up the psychology for the rest of the match. Ted and Virgil beat on the knee for a few minutes, then try the “I Hold Him, You Hit Him” spot, but Virgil of course hits DiBiase by mistake. Ted, naturally, responds by beating Virgil with forearms and tossing him out of the ring. Well, that certainly builds employee loyalty. Meanwhile, Dustin finally makes the tag to Dusty, who runs in, hits Ted with a couple quick blows, then misses a charge in the corner and gets rolled up for the easy pinfall. It was essentially a jobbing out for the Rhodes boys, as they never made another appearance in the WWF, I think. But it’s the post-match stuff that makes it: Ted calls Virgil an idiot and tells him to bring the Million Dollar Belt into the ring and wrap it around his waist. Virgil gets the belt and climbs in, but, unfortunately, some yahoo in the crowd tosses an egg or something at DiBiase when Virgil does the important part, which is toss the belt to the ground. Ted, being a professional, totally ignores the egging and keeps right on going. He tells Virgil to pick up the belt, and reminds him about his family, his mother. Virgil thinks about it, and drops to his knees to pick the belt up. DiBiase turns his back to gloat…and then Virgil just takes DiBiase’s head off with a shot from the belt. The crowd goes ballistic (as does Roddy on commentary) and gives Virgil a standing ovation as he leaves. This set up a feud between the two that lasted most of the year, culminating in one of my all-time favorite moments, when Virgil beat DiBiase for the Million Dollar Belt at SummerSlam. Of course, they gave the belt right back to Ted after that and transferred Virgil into a feud with REPO MAN, but it was fun while it lasted.

Mean Gene interviews Hogan, superficially about the Rumble, but actually about the Gulf War and how he wants to beat up Slaughter. We might as well be advertising the main event of WrestleMania already.

The Royal Rumble
The Fink doesn’t run down the rules this year, we just get right into it…

First Two Entrants: #1. Bret “Hitman” Hart, #2. Dino Bravo
Wow, Bret just had lousy luck in the draw the first few years - twice now he’s been #1. Bret’s still half of the Hart Foundation, WWF Tag Champs at this point. This will be Dino’s last Rumble ever, sadly, so it’s his last chance to make any kind of impact. Sorry, no luck. He and Bret have a serviceable mini-match to start out, though that’s pretty much all Bret. For the record, managers are allowed at ringside this year.

#3. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine
Greg was in the process of being turned babyface, though no one had bothered to, you know, tell the fans or anything. So when Hammer wails on Bravo and goes after Jimmy Hart on the apron, no one has any clue why. Bravo mounts a brief comeback, but the Hammer fights it off and rather casually tosses Bravo out to eliminate him. He also shoves Jimmy Hart off the apron to solidify the face turn, though the crowd still doesn’t seem to know what the hell is going on. So Bret and Hammer go to work on each other, with Bret giving us a better look at the Hammer’s *ss than I EVER needed to see while trying to eliminate him.

#4. Paul Roma
At this point, half of the Power and Glory tag team with Hercules. I LOVED that team, even as a kid, and they had the best tag team finisher I’ve ever seen: the PowerPlex (Herc superplexes a guy off of one turnbuckle, and Roma comes off with a splash from another one that hits RIGHT as they land…awesome stuff). Sadly, after their initial push they were quickly jobbed out for who knows what reason. Roma goes right to work on Bret, and it seems to be a handicap match for Bret until Roma starts wailing on the Hammer as well. It becomes a triple threat match for all two minutes, with Bret teasing elimination. Crowd reacting LOUDLY for Bret, as his eventual singles push was becoming more and more obvious.

#5. “The Texas Tornado” Kerry Von Erich
I once again take the chance to plug the excellent “Heroes of World Class” documentary which is a complete history of World Class Championship Wrestling in general and the tragic story of the Von Erichs in particular. Just heartbreaking stuff. Kerry goes after Roma and the Hammer, turning it into a tornado tag team match. And it stays like that until…

#6. “The Model” Rick Martel
Ricky was pretty well established as a heel at this point, and was feuding with Jake Roberts after Jake was blinded by Martel’s cologne sprayer. This lead to Jake showing up with a white contact in his eye to verify that he was, in fact, blind. Anyway, Martel beats on Bret right away, then tries to eliminate Roma. Bret sneaks up and wails away on Martel, then tries to eliminate him, to a big reaction. Roma saves Rick, then clotheslines him just for the hell of it.

#7. Saba Simba
Simba is veteran Tony Atlas making a comeback in perhaps the most racist gimmick in history, with the possible exception of the Harlem Heat’s original WCW run where they were led around in chains by Colonel Robert Parker. Yes, there is MUCH to be proud of in wrestling’s fine and illustrious history. Apparently Gorilla hasn’t been clued into Atlas’s new gimmick, as it takes him about 20 seconds to announce just who this new entrant is. Simba beats on everyone, and then everyone pairs off into corners. Martel is ALMOST eliminated by Tornado.

#8. Butch from the Bushwhackers
It’s pretty funny how Butch marches around the ring for about 20 seconds without touching anyone. That’s about the only amusing thing the Whackers did in their entire WWF tenure. The Hammer finally lands a chop to break his reverie. Simba tries to eliminate the Model but ends up going over the top to the floor himself while Martel stays on the apron.

#9. Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Martel and Jake, naturally, brawl right away, drawing a big reaction from the crowd. Martel slips to the floor to avoid the DDT, and Jake, of course, goes right after him, but Martel slips back in and hides in the corner while Jake gets blind-sided by the Hammer. Jake finds him again while the Model is on the apron, and they tease Martel’s elimination despite the fact that he didn’t go over the top and as such is in no danger anyway.

#10. Hercules
Roma’s partner immediately goes over and helps him beat on Butch, a noble cause if ever there was one. Martel is almost eliminated by Bret, who in turn is almost eliminated by the Hammer at the same time. Ring’s getting kinda crowded…we’re through 10 and we still have eight guys in the ring right now. Martel ties Jake in the ropes but gets stopped by the Tornado before he can do anything.

#11. Tito Santana
Tito arrives just in time to see Paul Roma take a diving charge at Jake and go flying over the ropes and out. Tito goes right after Martel, as the two of them were still more-or-less feuding, even at this point. Heck, they may still be feuding today. I’m pretty sure if Tito just happens to walk into a supermarket where Martel is, they legally HAVE to start throwing punches at each other. It starts to settle down a bit at this point, everyone either hanging on the ropes or in the process of hanging someone on the ropes.

#12. The Undertaker
The historic Rumble debut of the Dead Man, though the character bears only the SLIGHTEST resemblance to today. The outfit is totally different, there’s not ONE tattoo, and he’s managed by BROTHER LOVE, of all people. Thankfully, we’d come to our senses and Love would pass the Taker off to Paul Bearer in just a couple weeks. First victim: Bret Hart, who he picks up in a choke and then casually dumps to the floor. He then goes after the Texas Tornado, and please note how I am tastefully avoiding any jokes about this match-up. Thank you. Taker already has the character pretty much down pat, though he still sells a bit differently than normal. Jake goes after the Taker, foreshadowing his own WWF demise in a little over a year’s time.

#13. “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka
It occurs to me that someone missed an easy bet by not having the Taker come in at #13. Jimmy was in his long-tights-boots-and-goatee phase, which is the twilight of his career, which is a nice way of saying he was basically a jobber at this point. Wow, the ring’s getting crowded, and as soon as I type that, Taker eliminates Butch. Hammer and the Tornado team up on the Taker, who is finally starting to sell a bit. Jake and the Model keep taking turns with one of them on the top rope and the other trying to eliminate him.

#14. The British Bulldog
Davey Boy’s singles run is just starting at this point, and he goes right to work on the Model in the corner. Tito and the Tornado manage to get Taker’s feet up in the corner, but no luck. The Hammer and the Model are working on some pretty good longevity runs here.

#15. Smash from Demolition
This is the very tail end of Demolition’s existence, after the period where they had three members and turned heel and just before the team was disbanded for good. The WWF’s attitude seemed pretty lax toward the Demos once they got in the LOD, which is pretty sad given how over the Demos were and how short the LOD’s first WWF run ended up being in comparison. Smash makes little impact. Jake again goes for the DDT on Martel, but the Model sneaks to the apron and pulls Jake to the floor from behind.

#16. Hawk from the Legion of Doom
Hawk tears into EVERYBODY, and as a result EVERYBODY gangs up on him to slow him down. Hawk goes after Hercules, foreshadowing their classic 50-second match at WrestleMania. Too many guys in the ring right now - 10 in all.

# 17. Shane Douglas
Yes, THAT Shane Douglas. Post-Dynamic Dudes but pre-Franchise, Shane had a cup of coffee with the WWF in 1991 that no one remembers, maybe Douglas included. Someone must have gotten the memo about the crowded ring, as Undertaker tosses the Tornado and Hawk eliminates the Superfly in rapid succession. Tito and Douglas double clothesline the Model, but he still can’t be thrown out.

#18.
For the first time in Rumble history, no one comes out, which leads to Gorilla and Roddy spending the next two minutes debating about what happened. Meantime, Taker works on Hawk and Martel and Smash try to eliminate Tito. Discussing the missing entrant, Gorilla and Roddy claim that the participant has two minutes to get to the ring, and then they’re considered eliminated. I wish they’d honor that stip nowadays, as it would prevent cutesy booking ideas like, say, Vince McMahon sitting out for practically the whole Rumble and somehow winning the damn thing. We’ll deal with that later.

#19. Animal from the Legion of Doom
Like his partner before him, Animal beats on the world for a bit, saving his partner from the Undertaker in the process. LOD works over the Taker on the ropes and then clotheslines him out to a HUGE pop. Hawk takes a second to admire his handiwork, which of course is a big no-no as Hercules and the Model sneak up and throw him out, too. Tito tries to get Martel out AGAIN. Valentine and the Model are both at about a half-hour now.

#20. Crush from Demolition
Yes, it is THAT Crush, who got his start as the third guy of the New Demolition. That went over about as well as the New Blackjacks or New Coke did. The “Demos” work over the Bulldog in the corner. Tito ONCE AGAIN almost has Martel out, but no luck.

#21. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
The winner of the first Rumble makes his Rumble return to a huge pop, working over Smash right away. Martel dives into a bear hug by Animal, but gets out of it with the old Greco-Roman Thumb to the Eye. Ring’s starting to get overcrowded again.

#22. Earthquake
A Canadian no more at this point. Quake spent the year putting Hogan in the hospital and thus becoming a main event heel. He gets into it with Animal right away, and Animal actually gets a few blows in before getting backdropped out and eliminated. Duggan and Quake get into it in the corner. Martel AGAIN in trouble, this time at the hands of the Bulldog, but still survives.

#23. Mr. Perfect
Curt takes his sweet time heading to the ring, taking a moment to show off the perfect (no pun intended) synchronicity he and Bobby had with the towel throwing routine at this point. Hennig gets right into it with Duggan, and proceeds to, of course, bump around like a pinball for Jim while Duggan’s offense basically consists of letting Curt bump around like a pinball. Then, of course, Duggan takes a charge at Perfect on the ropes and out goes Hacksaw. The Hammer and Martel are both at 40 minutes each.

#24. Hulk Hogan
Hmm, ever notice how Hogan always gets a late draw? I’m beginning to think this MAY be fixed. Smash has the honor of being the first to attack Hogan, which of course also means he’s the first to be eliminated by Hogan. Hulk goes after Earthquake, as that’s the big feud that’s not current-events-oriented, but can’t get Quake’s tree-trunk-esque legs up. Quake does manage to get Hogan’s feet up, but Hogan’s saved by the Bulldog.

#25. Haku
Hogan rather nonchalantly ends the Hammer’s run by throwing him out, which is just another reason to hate that bald b*stard. Hammer’s run: 46 minutes. I’d go over notable facts about Haku’s then-WWF run, or about his Rumble performance, but seeing as how there are no notable facts in either direction, we’ll just continue focusing on the Rumble as a whole. Everyone pairs off in corners.

#26. Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart
Anvil goes after Hercules right away, and who’da thunk that Hercules would stay in there this long? Quake tosses Tito, just because. Perfect tries to eliminate Hogan for revenge from last year’s booking debacle, but we all know how that’ll turn out. Hogan and Haku have a chopping contest, but neither one of them is a Chris Benoit. Hell, they’re barely a Big Show.

#27. Luke from the Bushwhackers
Luke comes in one side and goes out the other, courtesy Earthquake, his run lasting a hair under 4 seconds. Hmm, not only did they falsely give him the record for shortest run, but they actually credited it for being LONGER than it actually was. Of course, this is the company which still claims that King Kong Bundy beat S.D. Jones in 9 seconds at WrestleMania when anyone who can count and say “Mississippi” knows the match actually runs, like, 22. Perfect and Quake work over Hogan in the corner. Man, I’ll say it again, that ring is really crowded. Model goes over the top but lands on the apron.

#28. Brian Knobbs from the Nasty Boys
The Nasties had just debuted in the WWF, and are so new that a.) the crowd does not react to him at all, and b.) neither Gorilla or Roddy knows his name. And to think, in two months they’d have these guys beating the Harts for the tag straps at WrestleMania. I STILL don’t get that one. Knobbs brings a lot of energy but not a lot of impact, though they gang up on him like he was Hawk. Douglas has the Model upside down again, and again Martel hangs on. Knobbs does eliminate Hercules, ending his pretty good run.

#29. The Warlord
In his short black trunks and with his physique, Warlord now looks disquietingly like Goldberg. Or a overbuilt, talentless Austin. Wait, I think I just repeated myself. Hogan deadlifts Crush and eliminates him. Then the Warlord finds himself in a very familiar situation, namely, getting clotheslined out of the Rumble relatively quickly by Hogan. At least he lasted long enough to actually, say execute a move this year.

#30. Tugboat
Tugboat is a big guy in a sailor’s outfit who would later be known better as Typhoon. Much like Hillbilly Jim before him, Tugboat was a guy we tried to get over as a “Buddy of Hogan,” and it worked about as well for Tugboat as it did for Jim, which is to say, we will turn Tugboat heel by the time SummerSlam rolls around. At this point, it becomes apparent #18 was Randy Savage, the story being that the Warrior must have chased him out of the building. Hey, continuity! (Wasn’t that a Gin Blossoms song?) The future Natural Disasters go at it in the corner as Anvil tosses Perfect over, but he lands on the apron. Knobbs tosses Shane Douglas out off-camera, and if there was a clearer metaphor for Shane’s WWF run, I don’t know what it is. The pacing is really lax for the last segment of a Rumble. Poor Perfect - he takes a stiff shot from Hogan and then falls down just in time for Earthquake to literally walk all over him. Tugboat and Hogan fight in a corner, with Tugboat getting Hogan over the top to the apron, which is about as close as anyone ever comes, but Hogan hangs on and then marches over and tosses Tugboat out in retaliation. Thanks for coming, pal, here’s a cookie. The Bulldog places Perfect on the top turnbuckle, and then a big dropkick knocks him off and to the floor. The Model reverses a whip on the Anvil and, with a handful of tights, manages to eliminate Neidhart. Shoulder dip by the Bulldog eliminates Haku. Martel takes a big risk by going up top, but gets crotched and clotheslined by Davey Boy, FINALLY eliminating him after a record 52 minutes. Hell of a showing, Rick.

The Final Four: The British Bulldog, Earthquake, Hulk Hogan and Brian Knobbs
Hmm, two babyfaces, two heels, one of the faces is Hogan, I’d be willing to bet anyone a reasonable amount of money that Bulldog will be eliminated first. Yep, I win, Knobbs and Quake quickly team up and toss the Dog. He lasted over a half-hour, too. That leaves Hogan and the Heels, which means we are essentially repeating last year’s formula. They beat on Hogan for a while, climaxing with Quake doing The Big One on Hogan. They stop to celebrate, which of course means it’s time for the CHIPMONK CHEEK PUFFING OF DOOM. Hogan double clotheslines them and then a big boot eliminates Knobbs. Once again, our last two are Hogan and The Guy Hogan’s Feuding With. I forgot to mention the corollary to the Hogan Routine, which is if it’s a big guy, he has to slam him. Well, Hogan tries, but Quake is able to do an Andre the Giant and land on top of him. Quake follows up with a few elbows and a power slam, then goes for a cover for some reason, so Hogan can kick out and give us the Full Hogan Routine with a Twist. Pointing, three punches, big boot, body slam, then a shot to the back sends Quake out giving Hogan the win. Hogan celebrates with signs and waves the flag to end the show. Some impressive performances (especially Martel and the Hammer) carry this one, though the ending is Hogan 101.

THOUGHTS:
Beyond than being a very important show historically, this is a very good show from a quality standpoint, as there’s only one glaringly weak spot on the card (Mountie/Koko) and the rest is very watchable even when the main storyline is terribly exploitive. And as much as I ride on Hogan, given what happened in the WWF Title match, Hogan basically HAD to win to send the fans home happy. So, a very good show that just happened to mark the end of the Glory Days of the WWF. And another excellent DVD, to boot, as only the Orient Express’s music got changed, and everything else is pretty much exactly as broadcast.

Next Time: Rumble ‘92: The Year of the Flair!