Friday, December 29, 2006

My Top 13 (Because 14 Would Be Too Many, and 12 Too Few)

It was a rather hit-and-miss year for movies. I couldn’t help but think that a lot of the films which I really should have enjoyed, I only found okay-to-good. There were very few outright BAD experiences this year (“Nacho Libre” tops that list, but then I try hard to avoid obvious cr*p as often as I can), but very few great ones. Maybe that’s the baseline that moviemaking is reaching - the general level of technical achievement is so high that it’s hard for a film to have no positive qualities going for it, but there’s so much at stake financially that few films dare to take the necessary chances to be excellent. To paraphrase “Almost Famous,” welcome to the long journey to the middle.

Despite all that, here are 13 titles which gave me a wonderful experience this year, in one way or another. I’m not saying they’re all classics, but they certainly stood out from the pack in a year where mediocrity ruled the roost. (Keep in mind, there are many more I have yet to see, of course.) In alphabetical order:

“Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kasakhstan” - The year’s funniest movie, one which, like many great comedies, stirred up more than its fair share of controversy and debate. It walks the line of good taste in many ways, and its success, like humor, lies in the eye of the beholder. Me, I couldn’t stop laughing from beginning to end, and found it wonderfully subversive in its thinly-veiled analysis of American culture. And for those who got caught in the movie, as Dave so rightly pointed out, if you don’t want people to see you making a jack*ss out of yourself, DON’T make a jack*ss out of yourself.

“Clerks II” - Another of the year’s most hilarious, and a loving valentine from Kevin Smith to the characters which put him firmly on the pop culture map. 12 years later, Dante and Randal find themselves out of work when their beloved Quick Stop burns down, and have to take jobs at the local fast food place (Mooby’s, of course) instead. The usual Kevin Smith pop culture debates and sexual conversations result, but with it all comes a very sweet and - dare I say it - optimistic core, and brings his characters to a wonderful and thoroughly satisfying closure. Smith says this actually is the end of the “Jersey Trilogy,” and maybe this time I believe him, but I’m glad he decided to revisit it one more time.

“The Departed” - Martin Scorcese’s epic tale of inside informants operating on both sides of the law, with layers of betrayal heaped upon more layers of betrayal. Jack Nicholson may have had the most showy role with his mob boss (which he, of course, plays masterfully), but the core of the film lies with Leonardo DiCaprio, as a cop undercover in Nicholson’s crew, and Matt Damon, as an informant for Nicholson working within the police force. A remake of the Japanese film “Internal Affairs,” Scorcese, as always, adds his own little twist, namely that nothing is as simple as black and white, every character caught up in the story beings their own shade of grey. A surprising box office hit considering the subject matter (star power notwithstanding), it once again demonstrates a master at the top of his game, making it look so damn easy.

“Flags of Our Fathers” - From a surprising hit to a surprisingly weak box office performer, Clint Eastwood’s character study about the men who raised the flag at Iwo Jima was all but ignored. But, of course, I don’t care. The movie is not a “war movie,” though there is war in it, it is about three men, brought from the front lines back to the states after the famous picture is snapped, to participate in a publicity tour to sell more war bonds. In essence, their lives may have been spared by a photo op, a fact which all three react to in varying ways, especially given how the photograph was, essentially, staged. A seeing and honest film with great emotional impact, which makes one deal headlong with the question of what really makes someone a “hero” in our society.

“The Fountain” - This ranking on this list may end up stirring more controversy than any inclusion, not least of which with myself. I would describe the plot but there might not be one. Hugh Jackman and Rachael Weisz appear to portray lovers at varying points throughout history, though some of the segments may be purely imagined, part of a separate story, a combination of both, who knows. The film also has no real closure point. All this is true, and to some, it is maddening. But what is also true is that the film’s striking visuals made it the single most unforgettable and imaginative movie of the year, one which is a pure joy to simply sit and watch for that purpose alone. And I rather prefer to view the film’s story as being obtuse on purpose, and I’ve found that the debates it inspires merely makes the film more intriguing with further reflection. It took a while for me to realize just how much I admired the movie, on so many levels.

“An Inconvenient Truth” - The year’s most purely emotional movie, stirring within the viewer a sense of understanding, passion and, oddly enough, empowerment. How odd, from a film where the vast majority is simply Al Gore talking. The former Vice President discusses the global warming crisis, presents us countless evidence that it indeed exists, debates why it is still treated skeptically in the media, and offers solutions. But the film’s visual excellence and the surprising revelation of how compelling a speaker Gore is makes this an exceedingly entertaining and involving film. To all those who gave the movie a pass because they felt it would be like attending a dull classroom lecture, I sincerely ask you to give it a second look.

“Jesus Camp” - In a year where cr*ppy low budget horror films ruled the roost at the box office, this was, for me, the most genuinely terrifying movie of the year. A documentary about a group of children attending a summer camp for Christians in North Dakota, lead by a Pastor who, in my opinion, exudes hypocrisy with almost every breath she utters. Through instruction and preaching, they are indoctrinated not only into Christian values and beliefs, but also in molding those values so they fit a solidly right-wing agenda. (At one point, a cardboard cutout of George Bush is produced, and the children are instructed to basically treat it with as much reverence as they would a picture of Jesus.) Heidi Ewing and Rachael Grady’s remarkable film does not choose sides or put its thumb on the scale, it merely puts its camera down and observes, to the point where almost everyone in the film does not have a problem with how they are depicted - which, when you see what they are depicted doing, is perhaps the scariest fact of them all.

“Little Miss Sunshine” - A more grown-up version of a “National Lampoon’s Vacation” movie is how one might describe this film - on the surface, anyway. At its core though, few films this year were as emotionally true as this one, on a subject that is close to all of our hearts - family. Many great comic actors (Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette, Steve Carell, Alan Arkin) play eternally dysfunctional members of a family who set off on a cross-country trip to take little Olive (Abigail Breslin) to the fabled “Little Miss Sunshine” pageant. The end result is a hilarious film, but not a shallow one. These are genuine characters who we believe and like, which make the misadventures they encounter all the funnier, and by the time the film reaches its conclusion, it is impossible to leave without a big smile on your face, and maybe even a little lump in your throat.

“A Prairie Home Companion” - Robert Altman’s passing is still the saddest story to come out of Hollywood in 2006, but how wonderfully appropriate it is that this film would be his swan song. Ostensibly a movie about the last night in the history of Garrison Keillor’s weekly radio opus, it is a film about loss, obsolescence, death, life and touching rememberance of days gone by. A rip-roaring celebration of what has passed and will never be again - but then asking, why shouldn’t it be? The year’s best cast (including Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin, Kevin Kline, Tommy Lee Jones, Virginia Madsen and, of course, Keillor himself) bring joy to their performances both onstage and off, in a movie that is wall-to-wall with music, touching human comedy, and heart.

“The Prestige” - As time passes, it becomes more and more clear that Christopher Nolan is one of the most consistently interesting directors of the new generation now sweeping through the entertainment industry, on both a visual and narrative level. From “Memento” to “Insomnia” and “Batman Begins,” he constantly makes films that are innovative and engaging in ever aspect of their being - films that are of their genres but not bound by them. In “The Prestige,” he once again plays with the expectations of storytelling and continuity to weave together the spellbinding story of two turn-of-the-century illusionists (Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale) whose rivalry spans years and leads to bloodshed, though not quite in the way we expect. A film that is engaging on many different levels, that only grows in resonance with a second viewing.

“The Queen” - On the surface, it sounds like an utterly dry and boring time at the cinema: a behind-the-scenes look at the British monarchy. I mean, yawn, right? Until you see it and realize that it is one of the most entertaining and engaging films of the year. Helen Mirren will win an Oscar for her portrayal of Queen Elizabeth, in a film that depicts the week following Diana’s car crash, and is about the ensuing war of words between the royal family and newly-elected Prime Minister Tony Blair (Michael Sheen). Should Diana be given a state funeral? Should the flag at Buckingham Palace be lowered to half mast? Should the royal family cut short their hunting trip to mourn the loss with the public? The answers are furiously debated between Blair, who can see a public relations nightmare forming if no action is taken, and Elizabeth, who stands by her guns on what is appropriate by royal tradition. The performances and directing (by Stephen Frears) are top-notch, and the end result is an amazingly interesting film, leaving in the mind of the audience the very open question of who was right.

“Stranger Than Fiction” - What truth and beauty this film holds, both about life and art. Marc Forster’s piece about a man who begins to hear narration about his own life works as both a simple romantic comedy and so much more. Will Ferrell demonstrates the full extent of his acting chops for the uninitiated as Harold Crick, an I.R.S. agent whose life is interrupted by the mysterious voice. As he begins to try to piece together the reasons behind the narration, the film introduces many more wonderful characters, all of whom are brought to life by terrific performances (by Maggie Gyllenhaal, Emma Thompson, Dustin Hoffman, Queen Latifah and others), and none of whom end up making a silly misunderstanding or dumb mistake for the sake of the plot. And at the end, when Crick makes a choice that seems surprisingly out of character, especially for him, we understand, because we can see what he has gone through and know the personal evolution the events of the movie has stirred in him. I usually give a broad hint about this in these year-end columns, but this time I’ll be blunt: this was my favorite film of 2006.

“Superman Returns” - Yes, Brandon Routh is kinda bland as the Man of Steel, though I still say he makes an excellent Clark Kent. Yes, the basic story could have used some touching up. But as a valentine to a cultural icon and loving tribute to the earlier films, one can imagine few ways that Bryan Singer could have done better. From its visual and verbal references to the basic tone of everything, its clear this film was a labor of love for all involved - a love not only of Superman himself, but also of Richard Donner’s work on the first two Superman films. The end result is a more satisfying superhero film experience than we have seen in a while, and a much more satisfactory conclusion than Superman III and IV, for sure.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Some Holiday Wishes for Everyone (Almost Literally)

-To Abby: A great rest-of-your-tenure as the Face of Fox, and the chance to parlay that into great success elsewhere.

-To Amanda: Beautiful nuptials and a wonderful life ahead of you.

-To Andy: The knowledge that there’s always a couch up here in B.G., and that a visit is ALWAYS welcome.

-To Anne: A great 2007, finding a path that will make you happy.

-To Becca: The chance to talk and catch up!

-To Beth: Continued success and happiness in your new life.

-To Caitlin: The ability to enter the “real world” without fear.

-To Chris P.: The continuing health and happiness of you and your family.

-To Christen: Lots of hugs, for you deserve ‘em.

-To Courtney: The ability to accept my invites to stuff! :)

-To Dad: A copy of “Borat” on DVD.

-To Dave: More victories in the quote game.

-To Dennis: See Becca.

-To Diane: The hope that I can do you proud when I perform my songs.

-To Elizabeth: See Becca.

-To Grandma: The promise that I’ll clean up more often.

-To Greg: Passion and success, in whatever form it may come.

-To Hanna: A great life with a great guy.

-To Heather C.: The chance to strike out and live on your own with the one you love.

-To Heather W.: A better job and the continuation of romance.

-To Ian: See Becca.

-To J.: Higher pay and maybe some 40K. :)

-To James: Like Chris, the continuing health and happiness of you and your family.

-To Jeanine: A conversation.

-To Jen: A wonderful wedding and due diligence in slaying the academic beast.

-To Jess: A job you don’t hate and the continued joy of love.

-To Jodie: Continuing success in your new jorb, though a few less hours so you can hang out with a chubby buddy from your college days every now and again would be nice. :)

-To John H.: See Becca.

-To John S.: The joy of success and the chance to share your amazing talents with the world.

-To Julio: Great success in taming the Big Apple.

-To Katie: My thanks for allowing me to become your friend. It has meant a lot.

-To Kevin: Carving a successful path to follow after your service.

-To Kirsten: The ability to kick *ss on rollerskates like no other.

-To Kristen: More movies. If I can come along, that’d be cool.

-To Kurt: A great life with a great gal.

-To Laura B.: Further success as you make your way through grad school.

-To Laura D.: See Becca.

-To Laura M.: A year free of drama and full of happiness.

-To Lia: Lots and lots of hugs from the one you love.

-To Lindsey R.: The knowledge that I love ya. But I think you already know that.

-To Lisa: A wonderfully happy marriage, and more photo ops with wrestling hall-of-famers.

-To Maria: Continued e-mail conversation leading into, maybe, in-person conversation! Yay!

-To Mark: The knowledge that I am genuinely glad to call you my friend.

-To Matt F.: The knowledge that if you ever need to call again and verify that the Road Dogg is still alive, I’ll be here.

-To Matt H.: All the Samoa Joe goodness you can stand…preferably seeing him in person. With a group of us. Again.

-To Matt Mac: Continuing success in your new relationship.

-To Mandy L.: Coffee and convo. I won’t take silence for an answer! J

-To Mandy S.: See Becca.

-To Megan G.: The ability to make it through a tough semester, and to come out all the better for it.

-To Megan M.: See Becca.

-To Mel: A chance to do what you are passionate for, and to be rewarded handsomely for doing it.

-To Mellissa M.: See Becca.

-To Mom: The knowledge that I love you, though you sometimes drive me crazy (and I’m sure both feelings are reciprocated).

-To Natalie: Continued conversations and catching up! Darn it!

-To Patrick/Power: A happy and healthy 2007, continuing success onstage, and a watchable WWE product!

-To Ruthann: Sincere apologies for not getting in touch more often, and the knowledge that I will try harder!

-To Ryan: See Becca.

-To Steph: Increased comfort in your new surroundings, and a chance to let your artistic soul sing.

-To Tom: The knowledge that I know you are saying how much you care when you pester me about my thesis.

-To Tyler: See Becca. And I would like to know what you thought of “Borat.”

-To Val: Great pay at a great job you enjoy.

-To anyone I missed: I still love ya!

-To EVERYONE: A wonderful, safe, happy, healthy holiday season, surrounded by the ones you care about. And my hope that a whole lot of you can make it to…

Well, some of you know already, everyone else, you’ll find out soon enough. ;)

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

And the "Sour Grapes Award" for 2006...

WWE Magazine recently published their year-end issue, and in it they give out "awards" to various wrestling personalities. Among them is the special "Good Riddance" award, which was, of course, given to Kurt Angle. The caption under the picture: "What's the best way to re-invent yourself? Walk out at the peak of your career! Worked wonders for Lex Luger and Randy Savage."

Ahem. Let us respond to this from every angle:

1. Unless Kurt's spin-doctoring in recent months is correct, he didn't "walk out," you guys fired him.

2. Lex Luger left for WCW in 1995, well after his main event push had stalled. At the time he had just come out of the horribly unsuccessful "Allied Powers" tag teaming, and was looking at a big money feud with MABEL on the horizon. Yeah, don't know why he didn't stick around for that one. And to compare Angle to Luger, on ANY level, is a massive insult to Angle.

3. Randy Savage left in 1994, YEARS after his "peak" period had ended. He had already given you guys the prime of his career and he became arguably the single best in-ring main eventer of his era, drawing huge money for the company. He had begun to slow by 1992, and by the time '94 rolled around, he was used almost exclusively as a commentator. When WWF and Savage were unable to come to terms, he left for WCW. The night Savage departed, Vince went on the air and cut an extremely unusual (at the time) out-of-character promo thanking Savage for his years of service. Not exactly "walking out," I'd say.

Now, of course, WWE Magazine is a one-sided shill publication designed to hype and promote WWE products. No problem, it's their own darn publication, after all. But don't you think you'd look a little less bitter and sophomoric if you'd check your facts a bit before you start openly chastising a guy who has given (and, for better or worse, continues to give) wrestling fans more amazing memories than anything your three so-called "world champions" have given us, EVER?

Just a thought.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Night Santa Went Crazy

And now, in the spirit of the season, an uplifting holiday classic from Mr. Yankovic. (NOTE: This is the original, unedited version of the song, which he performed on the "'Weird Al' Yankovic - LIVE!" DVD. Those familiar with the song from the album may notice...some changes. :) )


"The Night Santa Went Crazy - alternate version" by "Weird Al" Yankovic

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big, fat, drunk, disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye
"Merry Christmas to all--now you're all gonna die!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddie Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News and helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
and everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes, Virginia, now Santa Claus is dead
Some guy from the S.W.A.T. team blew a hole through his head
Yes, little friend now, he has his brains on the floor
Guess you won't have the fat guy to kick around anymore
Well, now there's no more presents for the children's enjoyment
And the elves gotta stand in line to file for unemployment
And they say Mrs. Claus she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin' bout--the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped

Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain

Monday, December 18, 2006

A Holiday Gripe Revisited

(I posted the following entry last year during the holidays, but seeing as how the "War on Christmas" garbage is back in full swing this year, I thought I'd bring it back for an encore. Enjoy!)

Originally published: 12/23/2005

(Note: The following article was inspired by both a conversation with Abby last night, and this entry in her blog posted this week. The section on public vs. private prayer is also inspired by an op-ed piece written by Roger Ebert last year, which I would also link to, but I can’t find it anywhere.)

To our Christian friends who are trying to proclaim that the use of “Happy Holidays” is part of a vast conspiracy to eliminate Christmas…please stop.

The fact that we have a few extremist Christians claiming religious persecution is so deliciously ironic that it should be served on crackers at cocktail parties. I mean, jeepers, six million Jewish people just disappear off the face of the Earth between 1941 and 1945, all because of their religious beliefs. Nowadays, some folks get their panties in a bunch because a phrase mentioning their holiday is not the default greeting at Target. Somehow, it just doesn’t equate.

First of all, “Happy Holidays” has been in use for years. Long before it had any connotations of being a relatively “religion-neutral” phrase, in my world the term was primarily used to refer to both Christmas and New Years - back in the days when us small-minded folks didn’t even stop to consider the fact that there were many peeps around the world who didn’t take Christ as their savior. “Season’s Greetings” was used much the same way. So the argument can’t be against the phrase, but rather the context which it’s being used in, or rather, the phrase it is being used in place of.

Secondly, I’m pretty sure these folks haven’t even tried to consider that “Happy Holidays” isn’t excluding their beliefs at all, nor minimizing them. The phrase is being used in an effort to acknowledge the validity and value of the holidays celebrated by many different belief structures, which Christianity is quite obviously one of. It’s not shutting you out, it’s letting other folks in. I haven’t heard anyone say “Happy Holidays, Unless You Celebrate Christmas” yet.

When a stranger says “Merry Christmas” to me, I smile and nod and thank them. I do not turn a cold shoulder and sneer at their wish. I know they mean no harm. I just think that if they took a little time and gave a little thought to what they were saying, they would realize that what they are being just a little bit presumptuous and exclusionary. By assuming that I am Christian and therefore open to the greeting which they give, they are, in some small way, assuming that their beliefs are somehow more valid than others.

The same difference can be drawn between private and public prayer, another hot-button issue in our society. Private prayer is between yourself and God, Allah, Buddha, Michael Eisner, or whatever you choose to worship, if you choose to worship anything. It’s a personal issue, and does not presume that others would care to join you. Public prayer, however, is a different matter. It is designed not only to bring together people who share a common belief, but by proxy, exclude those who choose not to participate in it. Even when preceded by a quick “anyone who doesn’t wanna take part can step out” to cover their proverbial backside, initiating such an event must mean that one readily believes that most of those present share the same basic belief structure, otherwise they’d simply pray by themselves. At some level, the very act of initiating a common prayer can be read as an act of arrogance.

Same basic concept here. And now the arrogance is confounded by the stubborn refusal of a few Christians out on the lunatic fringe refusing to see the use of a innocuous phrase like “Happy Holidays” as anything but an outright affront to what they believe. By gum, you better say “Merry Christmas” or I’ll never shop at your store again! Okay, then what? If I don’t somehow acknowledge Easter when that rolls around, you’ll skip town, too? What about All Saints Day? That one doesn’t get much play nowadays! Shall we add that one to the canon? Take it to its logical extreme, and these folks are basically insisting we tailor our speech to suit their beliefs alone. “Melting Pot” be damned, I guess.

Listen folks, I think we’re losing sight of a lot of things, here. Let us not forget what this wondrous season is truly about: money. Yep, the almighty dollar. A mass-marketed, corporately driven merry-go-round of homogenized cheer and wonderment designed to separate as many of us from as many of our little green pieces of paper as possible. No matter what the holidays USED to mean in society, to ANYONE, that definition has long since gone the way of the dodo. Heck, as far as I’m concerned, there is no season more American than this one. Oh, sure, Thanksgiving may be about family and brotherhood and togetherness, and the Fourth of July may be about shooting little sticks of nitroglycerine into the sky and watching them go boom, but in the end, this is truly where the heart and soul of a capitalist society lies.

But outright cynicism aside, what allows an Optimistic Pessimist™ like me to relax and enjoy the season is the spirit in which it is intended by the individuals participating in it. For those of us who don‘t have a financial stake in the holidays, the joy comes in giving - showing our love for others by doing something special, to let them know how much they mean by giving a present, baking a cookie, sending a card, or just seeing them and giving them a hug. As someone who gives a lot at this time of year, nothing does my heart gladder than to see someone I care about smile and say thank you, no matter what I did for them - and any season which gives me the chance to do that, and do it often, is a wonderful time, no matter what I do or don’t believe in.

That, truly, is the Reason for the Season: Giving out of love and respect to those who have enriched our lives, and being enriched in return simply through the act of giving. Perhaps the few Christian brethren who seem intent on finding fault in an innocently intended phrase should reflect for a second on the fact that, at some level, saying “Happy Holidays” is giving - giving worth and consideration to those who might not believe exactly what you do. What could be more Christian than that?

As a few great philosophers on a sadly long-lost TV show once opined:

“So, let’s have peace on Earth and cut out all the bull,
Let’s have a holiday season that’s multicultural
If there’s one point we’d like to make with this festive holiday song
It’s that Christmas comes but once a year, so for a few days, for crying out loud,
Can’t we all just get along?”

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Congratulations!

You are Time Magazine's Person of the Year!

Well, sure, I am, too. And so is everyone else. Everyone who has a computer and uses it to view or add content on the World Wide Web - citizens of the "New Digital Democracy," as Time puts it.

Really, this is a pretty neat idea, and I certainly agree with the concept behind the choice, moreso than I agree with a few of the winners from previous years. Acknowledging the importance of the digital generation we are currently involved in is a nice step, even if that same digital generation helps to drain circulation from publications like Time on a near-daily basis. But the thought was nice. :)

Friday, December 15, 2006

Movie Quote Winners V: Assignment: Quote Beach!

Welcome to our special holiday-themed edition of the movie-quote game! 20 Santa-clogged entries later, Beth is our new leader, Dave's not far behind, Lindsey is playing catch-up, Greg cracks the double digit barrier, and more! And as my supply of holiday-related flicks is running a bit low, we'll be going back to regular-ol' movie quotes starting with number 101, which is up now on my MySpace profile. But fear not, the holiday movie theme is sure to return someday. Heck, maybe we'll even do it this summer! "We'll call it...CHRISTMAS II!!!"

81. “Well, technically speaking, the operation *is* brain damage, but it's on a par with a night of heavy drinking. Nothing you'll miss.” - “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” - Natalie

82. “You wanna get Capone? Here’s how you get him. He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue! *That’s* the Chicago way! And that’s how you get Capone.” - “The Untouchables” - Dave

83. “Let's look at this thing from a…from a standpoint of status. What do we got on the spacecraft that's *good*?” - “Apollo 13” - Dave

84. “I'm American, honey. Our names don't mean sh*t.” - “Pulp Fiction” - Beth

84 ½. “Holy schnikes!” - “Tommy Boy” - Greg, who correctly deduced the source of my exclamation from my blog entry

85. “That's right. I've killed women and children. I've killed just about everything that walks or crawls at one time or another. And I'm here to kill you, Little Bill, for what you did to Ned.” - “Unforgiven” - Dave

86. “But, you don’t wanna be bamboozled. You don’t wanna be lead down the primrose path! You don’t wanna be conned or duped, have the wool pulled over your eyes. Hoodwinked. You don’t wanna be taken for a ride. Railroaded!…Seeing is believing, am I right?” - “The Polar Express” - Beth

87. “Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.” - “A Christmas Story” - Dave

88. “Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho.” - “Die Hard” - Beth

88 ½. “May the Schwartz be with you.” - “Spaceballs” - Lindsey, who correctly IDed a quote in a text message I sent her. I didn’t mean for it to be a reference, but it was, and she called me on it, so I had to give her credit. So there. :)

89. “No, for three reasons: A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we have smoke detectors. And D, we live on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.” - “Home Alone” - Beth

90. “‘What're they doing?‘ ‘They're watching Snow White. And they love it.’” - “Gremlins” - Greg

90 ½. “Shhhhhyeah, right…” - “Wayne’s World” - Lindsey, who correctly identified this quote from a blog title!

91. “If he weren't up there now, I don't think it would be snowing...sometimes, you can still catch me dancing in it.” - “Edward Scissorhands” - Natalie

92. “And Mrs. Claus has positively identified the kidnappers as Martians.” - “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” - Dave

93. “From now on, the only person who gets to yell is me. Why? Because I have a gun. People with guns get to do whatever they want. Married people without guns - for instance, you - DO NOT get to yell. Why? NO GUNS!” - “The Ref” - Steph

94. “Merry Christmas, Alfred. Goodwill toward men…and women.” - “Batman Returns” - Beth

95. “WORSE?!? How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!” - “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” - Dave

96. “‘I’m telling you, Frank, don’t waste your life as I did mine.’ ‘Waste?!? How can you say that? You’re a legend in this business! You’re the man who invented the miniseries!’” - “Scrooged” - Beth

97. “Just once, I'd like a regular, normal Christmas. A little eggnog... a f*ckin' Christmas tree... a little turkey. But, no. I gotta crawl around in this motherf*ckin' tin can.” - “Die Hard II: Die Harder” - Greg

98. “You take the International Date Line, multiply it by the Time Zones, divided by the accelerated rotation of the earth... uh, carry the 1, and, uh, allowing for the Vernal Equinox on the Tropic of Cancer, he might just pull it off.” - “Ernest Saves Christmas” - Beth

99. “‘Here is my Christmas speech. "Thank you all, and Merry Christmas."’ ‘*That* was the speech?’ ‘It was dumb!’ ‘It was obvious!’ ‘It was pointless!’ ‘It was... short.’ ‘I loved it!’” - “The Muppets Christmas Carol” - Lindsey

100. “That’s right…that’s right…atta boy, Clarence!” - “It’s a Wonderful Life” - Lindsey

YOUR SCORECARD:
Beth: 24
Dave: 23
Lindsey: 20
Greg: 10
Steph: 6
John: 4
Natalie: 4
Patrick: 3
J. Michael: 2
E. Sean: 1
Matt: 1
Tracey: 1

"Please Don't Stop! Please Don't Stop!"

If you are a wrestling fan or even have a passing interest in wrestling, I highly advise you to check this out. The clip is split into three parts, and the audio is a little out of synch, but the match is far too awesome for that to matter. It's like watching the future of the art form, today. Do Fixer vs. Blood Generation, Ring of Honor's Supercard of Honor, 3/31/06.



Tuesday, December 12, 2006

To My Love

A little monologue for all you lovers out there...


"To My Love" by Steve Martin
(Originally performed on "Saturday Night Live," 5/20/1989)

When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes. His heart races, his head spins. And suddenly, all the dozens and dozens of women he’s sleeping with no longer matter. A few years ago, I found the woman I love, and I put some of my feelings into this little ode:

Every man needs a woman, and I need you.

To lift me when I am sad.

To comfort me when I am down.

To clean me when I am drunk.

To walk beside me when I want to look like I’m not gay.

To walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak.

To kiss me when I'm horny.

To massage me when I am tense. And/or horny.

To make me horny when I am not horny.

And then, to watch me fall asleep.

I need you, darling.

To clean between my toes when they are not clean to my satisfaction.

To pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice.

To try milk for me when I am not sure of the expiration date.

To be there when I need you to be there.

And to be out of town the rest of the time.

My darling, although it may seem sentimental, I want to take this moment to tell you I love you, because I don’t want to lose half my stuff.

And even though you are far away across the ocean, I always have this to remind me … (points to an empty ring finger)…sorry! (cough)

Good night, my love.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

A Little Apoplectic Over "Apocalypto"

Ooh! “Apocalypto” finished #1! Let’s all get in line to suck Mel’s d*ck again!

Before Yahoo and Disney and all the industry insiders get all gushy about Gibson because his movie grossed the most at the box office this weekend, let us consider a few facts, ‘kay?

1. Its final box office take for the weekend was only $14.2 million. Its budget was $40 million. It still has a way to go before it even breaks even, let alone turns a profit.

2. The second place finisher, “The Holiday,” earned $13.5 million, so it’s not like the victory was a runaway success.

3. Gibson’s previous film, “The Passion,” earned $84 million in its opening weekend. From one movie to the next, that’s a drop off of 60 million, meaning “Apocalypto” earned about one-sixth what “The Passion” did.

4. Earlier this year, a movie that cost a little less than “Apocalypto” ($33 million) opened after much hype and discussion. It finished first at the box office in its weekend and delivered grosses comparable to Gibson’s film: $13.8 million. The discussion at the time was nothing but how disappointing the number was and had everyone asking what had gone wrong. In the end, it barely earned enough to recoup its production budget. The movie was “Snakes on a Plane.”

So, “Apocalypto” barely wins its weekend and it’s hailed as a major success for Gibson. “Snakes” wins its weekend with comparable numbers and it’s called a failure.

Maybe if “Snakes” director David R. Ellis had gotten liquored up and made anti-Semitic comments to a cop, his press would have been better.

*WHOOPS: Actually, the drop off from one movie to the next would be $70 million, not 60. Hey, I majored in journalism, not math. :)

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Everything You Know Is Wrong

It's not just a "Weird Al" Yankovic song. It's a great way of looking at life. ;)

"Everything You Know Is Wrong"
by "Weird Al" Yankovic

I was driving on the freeway, in the fast lane,
With a rabid wolverine in my underwear
When, suddenly, a guy behind me in the back seat
Popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes
I guessed, "Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie?
Is it Bob or Joe or Walter?
Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?"
I probably would have kept on guessing,
But about that time we crashed into the truck
And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt,
Finally, I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer,
Who takes off his prosthetic lips
And tells me

Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong

I was walkin' to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams
When I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension,
And soon I was abducted by some aliens from space
Who kinda looked like Jamie Farr
They sucked out my internal organs
And they took some polaroids and said I was a darn good sport
And as a way of saying thank you,
They offered to transport me back to any point in history that I would care to go
And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night
So I could pay my phone bill on time
Just then, the floating, disembodied head of Colonel Sanders started yelling

Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong

I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin
When I got a nasty paper cut
And, well, to make a long story short
It got infected and I died
So, now, I'm up in heaven with St. Peter by the pearly gates
And it's obvious he doesn't like the Nehru jacket that I'm wearing
He tells me that they've got a dress code
Well, he lets me into heaven, anyway
But I get the room next to the noisy ice machine
For all eternity
And every day he runs by screaming

Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you used to think was so important doesn't really matter anymore because the simple fact remains that
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
Everything you know is wrong

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Say "Get Well, Hot Rod!"

PWInsider.com recently posted an address to send get well wishes to Roddy Piper as he begins his fight with lymphoma.

Those interested can click the link above and send something to the addy listed. Also, my dear friend Diane Shannon is preparing a big card that everyone in her family is signing, with plenty of room for more. I'll have the card for a few days, so if anyone in the area wants to sign it, just gimme a shout.

Anyone who is not in the area and wants to add something, just ship it to my e-mail addy or leave a comment with your get well wishes, and I'll print 'em out and send them with the card.

Thanks!

Monday, December 04, 2006

The Head Gets Blamed for the @ss's Decisions

So someone had to take the bullet for the ECW PPV stinking up the airwaves last night.

Unfortunately, that someone turns out to be Paul Heyman.

For the uninitiated, Heyman is the mad scientist behind ECW. He didn't create the company, but created it what it became. He was the driving creative force behind the movement which would change the wrestling business forever. And now he's been canned, apparently for booking an exceedingly awful pay-per-view - one which many are saying he may not have even booked himself.

The WWE has put on truly awful shows before, without Paul Heyman's involvement. They will continue to put on truly awful shows, without Heyman's involvement. In this case, they put on an awful show, and Vince McMahon needed to blame someone for it, so Heyman took the bullet, because lord knows he can't fire his daughter or his son-in-law or any of the rest of the people involved in creative. Nepotism does wonders for job security.

I've often wondered what Heyman thought of the "new vision" of ECW. At a show over the summer, as he addressed the fans in ECW's hometown of Philly, some were calling him a sellout for the new direction the legendary name had taken in its revival. Heyman looked to the crowd and said that certain compromises would have to be made to appease the wrestling establishment, and then asked the fans a question: If any of them could have given anything to bring ECW back, wouldn't they?

I'm not sure I would have gone that far, but yes, I would have given an awful lot to bring ECW back. The REAL ECW. The ECW that ran in that dingy little bingo hall in front of 1500 fans and created a passion so deep it was felt throughout the wrestling world. The ECW which saw performers go out and bust their *ss and give 100% no matter if there were 5000 fans or 50, because they loved what they did. The ECW which made wrestling fun again, something to be passionate about again.

But I think Paul Heyman knew all that. I think he knew that his name was being stamped on a bill of goods that was so far from his original work that he either didn't have his heart in it or knew he truly was selling out. Either way, I can't see Heyman being too terribly upset at this outcome. My gut tells me that the mad scientist had lost control of this particular creation long ago, and it was never coming back.

As for where the brand goes from here...no idea. The ratings have been sloping downward, the show's quality has done the same, and now the man whose involvement is pretty much the only thing which even remotely "legitimized" the new ECW is gone. They have a contract with Sci-Fi which runs through the end of 2007, but at this point, unless something drastic happens, I can't see the brand surviving that long.

It's a shame, in a few ways. There are some good people working for the ECW product, many of them who aren't getting a substantial push on television. Past history (WCW) shows that when a WWE brand name gets disbanded, a select few get cherry-picked and re-positioned in the main roster, while the rest get released, regardless of how talented they are or how hard they worked. A lot of folks who I really enjoy as performers and who have a lot to offer the business may end up out of work if this goes down.

As for Heyman, who knows. Maybe he'll end up at TNA, but putting Russo and Heyman AND Cornette in the same company at the same time might cause a massive collapse in the space-time continuum. Or maybe he'll try to get some cash together and start a brand new promotion, but given that Heyman is a creative mind, not a financial one, we can't be that optimistic about success. Maybe this is a temporary event (it has happened before), and we'll see Heyman back in a WWECW ring. Or maybe the mad scientist, the man who in many ways is the most important wrestling personality of the past ten years, is done with the business.

And given the way he went out creatively, that is a true shame. It's just too bad the horse's head got all the blame for decisions that were made primarily by the horse's *ss.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

"TNA! TNA!"

WWE couldn't have done a better job burying the ECW brand if they'd tried.

Didn't watch the PPV tonight, and judging by the reports I should be grateful. Hardys/MNM opener was apparently good. After that...wow. To steal a phrase from Rick Scaia, a monkey with a random match generator could have booked a better PPV.

-Balls Mahoney beat Matt Striker. Um, okay. This was PPV-worthy because?...

-Sabu got laid out in the back, taking him out of the Elimination Chamber main event. He was replaced by Hardcore Holly. Now there is exactly ONE person in the chamber who is an honest-to-goodness ECW alum.

-Elijah Burke and Sylvester Turkey beat the FBI. That noise you hear? Crickets and the immediate families of those involved.

-Daivari beat Tommy Dreamer. Wait, I must have read that wrong. No, I didn't. Yep, the Great Khali's wimpy manager got to go over the Innovator of Violence on an ECW PPV. There wasn't even any interference or anything.

-Kevin Thorn and Ariel beat Mike Knox and Kelly Kelly (that has to be the single worst diva name since "Barbara Bush") when Knox walked out on Kelly. She's been showing interest in CM Punk, even wished Punk good luck in the main event, so of course Sandman comes out to make the save for her. Yeah.

-And then...the main event. Six guys. Crowd is into maybe two of them: CM Punk and Rob Van Dam. CAN YOU JUST GUESS WHO ARE THE FIRST TWO ELIMINATED?!?!?! Punk pinned by RVD, then RVD pinned by Test. Then Test casually pins Holly, making his participation utterly pointless, and then has to WAIT AROUND for Lashley to get released from his pod. He does, pins Test with little fuss, and then has to WAIT AROUND himself for the Big Show to get released. Big Show is, they fight, Lashley pins him with a spear to become the new ECW champ. Sounded like the single most uninteresting Chamber in the history of the gimmick. The whole show was over by 10:30 or so, a good 20-25 minutes early.

The most interesting part of it all came during the main event: according to PWInsider.com, after CM Punk and RVD, the two guys who most fans actually seem interested in, got unceremoniously bounced from the match, the crowd first started chanting "bullsh*t!"

Then some of them started chanting "TNA!"

WWE's production staff was able to mute it, but it was there, by god. That HAS to be a first. Not just in WWE history, but ECW history as well. A product so poorly booked that the crowd starts chanting for a competitor? Now THAT'S impressive.

Well, who could blame them? After the past two weeks of WWE PPVs, I think TNA's last PPV, Genesis, is looking better and better by comparison. Hell, Joe/Angle, very good if somewhat disappointing, was a f*cking CLASSIC compared to what ECW fans got served tonight.

If this brand is still around come next year's December to Dismember, I'll be utterly shocked. Impact may be getting massively overbooked in the new Russo era, but it's sure better than this. You even get some actual wrestling now and then, too.

Shhhhhyeah, right...

The weekend box office numbers are in, and "Happy Feet" and "Casino Royale" are still #1 and #2, while "The Nativity Story" did a mere $8 million for the weekend.

My favorite part of the Yahoo story is the massive spin-job that the New Line execs are trying to pull, claiming that the snowstorms in the Midwest hindered the film's audience, thus explaining the paltry opening weekend.

Ahem. Well, I can safely say that there were no such storms in this neck of the woods, and without that, "Nativity" still did embarrassingly small crowds - the biggest show of the weekend was 58 Saturday at 7:00. The very next show, at 10:00, did 3. No, that's not a typo - THREE.

Face it, New Line. Making a period religious film with virtually unknown actors isn't gonna draw big simply because it's a period religious film. "The Passion"'s big success was because of a large number of factors, not least of which being the massive marketing campaign by Gibson's production company, wherein churches were sent literature months in advance hyping how this film would be "the most extraordinary outreach possibility in 2000 years." They made churchgoers feel like seeing the movie was imperative to their faith. (I saw it in the people I sold tickets to...one guy literally looked to the heavens and thanked Jesus for "letting me see your movie.")

In comparison to a hype job like that, a relatively sweet little film about Christ's birth didn't stand a chance. One can only hope that Gibson himself will learn a similar lesson next weekend, when "Apocalypto" comes out.