To My Love

A little monologue for all you lovers out there...


"To My Love" by Steve Martin
(Originally performed on "Saturday Night Live," 5/20/1989)

When a man meets the woman he loves, everything changes. His heart races, his head spins. And suddenly, all the dozens and dozens of women he’s sleeping with no longer matter. A few years ago, I found the woman I love, and I put some of my feelings into this little ode:

Every man needs a woman, and I need you.

To lift me when I am sad.

To comfort me when I am down.

To clean me when I am drunk.

To walk beside me when I want to look like I’m not gay.

To walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak.

To kiss me when I'm horny.

To massage me when I am tense. And/or horny.

To make me horny when I am not horny.

And then, to watch me fall asleep.

I need you, darling.

To clean between my toes when they are not clean to my satisfaction.

To pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice.

To try milk for me when I am not sure of the expiration date.

To be there when I need you to be there.

And to be out of town the rest of the time.

My darling, although it may seem sentimental, I want to take this moment to tell you I love you, because I don’t want to lose half my stuff.

And even though you are far away across the ocean, I always have this to remind me … (points to an empty ring finger)…sorry! (cough)

Good night, my love.