WrestleMania Predictions

Going back in time a bit to my days as a wrestling online commentator for this entry...for 'tis time to pick 'em for WrestleMania 21, coming up this Sunday. Those not interested in wrestling can feel free to ignore this one. (Wonder if I'll have any readers left?)

-The Big Show vs. Akebono; Sumo Wrestling Match

Ahem. Um, who cares? For those who know wrestling but have stopped watching (most of you who know wrestling, in other words), Akebono is a legitimate sumo wrestler who is facing the Big Show in an apparently real sumo match. I say "apparently" because this is wrestling, after all. But still, no matter what, what is our goal? Big Show wins, he beats someone no one knows. Akebono wins, we put over a guy who isn't affiliated with our company. Do the words "Brawl for All" mean anything to anyone? And does ANYONE wanna see the Show in a diaper? Anyway, figure it's rigged, and the Show wins, which does nothing.

WINNER: The Big Show
IF I WERE BOOKING: Well, this match wouldn't be happening.

-Chris Jericho vs. Chris Benoit vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Edge vs. Christian vs. Kane; "Money in the Bank" Ladder Match

Man, we have one of the best line-ups of talent in wrestling history in one match. And then Kane. Anyway, this one, like most of this year's card, was kinda thrown together at the last second, and the stip is that the winner gets a contract for a title shot at any time they want in the next year. No real storyline to speak of, save one, potentially: is the Matt Hardy/Lita/Edge thing a shoot or a work? If it's a work, I can see Matt taking out Kane (the man who "put him out"), and taking his place to get at Edge, leading to a feud. We'll see. Meantime, if this is our line-up...Benoit's kinda been on the skids, and could probably use the win more than anyone else on here. Jericho's just fine, Benjamin's IC champ, E&C are kinda in limbo, and Kane as a contender has kinda been shot.

WINNER: Chris Benoit
IF I WERE BOOKING: Matt takes Kane's place, punks out Edge, and Benoit still wins.

-Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio

No storyline, basically...Chavo has tried to stir sh!t up between Eddie and Rey, current co-tag champs, but it ain't worked, and Eddie just kinda asked Rey if he'd like to wrestle. All-in-all, thank goodness, because we need a good match somewhere on the card. These two work great together (see Halloween Havoc 1997, one of the best matches ever), and hopefully this'll redeem a lot of the card. As for winner...go with my gut and say that Eddie is still considered a potential world title contender, while Rey isn't. Figure that Eddie gets the win.

WINNER: Eddie Guerrero
IF I WERE BOOKING: They get 20 good minutes, and Eddie gets the clean pin.

-Randy Orton vs. The Undertaker

Gimmick is that the Taker is undefeated at Mania, and that the newly heel-turned Orton wants to end the streak. Orton died as a babyface (no pun intended), and needs momentum. (The man got two wins over Mick, a monster push, the world title, and so on, how much more momentum can he get?) Will it be Undertaker giving up his legacy or Orton giving up his push? In this case, I go by who got the last word in the feud on TV, and going by the Smackdown spoilers, that's Randy. Ergo, say that Taker wins.

WINNER: The Undertaker
IF I WERE BOOKING: Orton goes over clean.

-Shawn Michaels vs. Kurt Angle

One of the last remaining "dream matches that haven't happened," though really I don't know for whom this was a dream match, though both guys are awesome workers and the match, in theory, should rock. Problem #1, for like the third Mania in a row, Kurt is apparently in bad shape going in (neck issues again), and considering retirement. Problem #2, Shawn ain't no spring chicken, though he's held up remarkably well in his comeback. Problem #3, the whole "dream match" thing is kinda lost on the fact that no one was really clamoring for it, though, again, it's a great contest in theory. All in all, I AM looking forward to it, just not in an "end-all-be-all" kinda way. As far as winner - if Kurt's hurting worse than he lets on (as he seems to be doing a lot these days), my guess is he wants to go out in style, with a great match, and putting Shawn over crisp and clean with no caffeine.

WINNER: Shawn Michaels
IF I WERE BOOKING: Pretty much the same, Shawn wins clean.

-Trish Stratus vs. Christy Hemme, WWE Women's Title Match

Yuck. We have two hot women here, yes. We also have one talented wrestler (Trish) and one woman who has never wrestled a match, period. (Easy explanation is that woman is a.) the woman who won the much-ballyhooed and very-unwatchable Diva Talent Search, b.) getting paid $250,000 as a result, and c.) this month's Playboy cover girl, so ergo, we wanna justify her salary with a WM spot.) Unless Trish can REALLY carry her, this'll probably suck. My guess is, they'll REALLY wanna justify the cash they're spending on Christy...it pains me to say this, but...

WINNER: Christy Hemme wins the title
IF I WERE BOOKING: Trish wins easily. And it woulda been on Raw.

-JBL vs. John Cena, WWE Title Match

The John Bradshaw Layfield experiment has been a dismal failure, as he hasn't really gotten over as champ, and buyrates have plummeted to near-WCW levels. But we've stuck with it, for EIGHT MONTHS. That frigging BRADSHAW has held the belt longer than pretty much anyone in recent years is a sad, sad commentary on the state of the company. Cena's hot, Cena's over, Cena is looking like the wave of the future...but he ain't that great in the ring, really. Well, neither is Bradshaw, so I have no idea why that's an issue, but I keep hearing that a.) that's being held against Cena, and b.) they wanna keep the belt on Bradshaw until SUMMERSLAM. Why am I reminded of Slim Pickens riding the missile at the end of "Dr. Strangelove"? Cena should get it, but...

WINNER: JBL retains
IF I WERE BOOKING: John Cena wins the title.

-HHH vs. Batista

Batista is getting over big, and in any sane world, would be getting the belt easily here. But a few things keep me from thinking this one is a lock. First, the feud has been booked idiotically, with Batista "thanking" HHH for everything he's done for him, and putting over the H every chance he gets (that kinda thing happens when you're married to the head writer). Also, H'er Boy lost last year, and he's never lost at two Manias in a row. But, they need something, ANYTHING, to change at the top to shake up the company, and hopefully Trips gets it through his exceptionally thick cranium that he ain't the guy to do it, and that he's frigging MARRIED to the company, he doesn't have to worry about his spot. Figure Batista wins clean.

WINNER: Batista wins the title
IF I WERE BOOKING: Batista wins the title.

Yet Another Roger Ebert Link...

Check this one out.

An excellent article on a chain of IMAX theatres deciding not to carry a documentary about volcanoes because it simply discusses the theory of evolution and thus might offend fundamentalist christians out there. Ahem. If they can't take the heat, tell 'em to stay the hell out of the fire. And that Elvis didn't do no drugs.

One of Life's Great Pleasures

I am suddenly battling with my depression all over again, and in an effort to combat it I am posting something I've been sitting on for a while for no reason I can figure out - a compliation of some of the greatest Roger Ebert quotes from his reviews of bad movies. (Also because I so lamely swiped the opening of the "Assassins" review, I figured the only way to make up for it would be to print the real one.) There is no pleasure quite like seeing Roger rip a deserving target a new bunghole in print. Here are a few of my favorite examples...


An Alan Smithee Film Burn Hollywood Burn - "One is accustomed to seeing bad movies, but not incompetent ones. Sophomores in a film class could make a better film than this. Hell, I have a movie here by Les Brown, a kid who looks about 12 and filmed a thriller in his mother's basement, faking a fight scene by wrestling with a dummy. If I locked you in a room with both movies, you'd end up looking at the kid's."

Armageddon - "Here it is at last, the first 150-minute trailer. 'Armageddon' is cut together like its own highlights. Take almost any 30 seconds at random, and you'd have a TV ad. The movie is an assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense and the human desire to be entertained. No matter what they're charging to get in, it's worth more to get out."

Assassins - "Believe me, I know how to believe stuff when it happens in the movies. I believe bicycles can fly. I believe sharks can eat boats. I even believe pigs can talk. But I do not believe 'Assassins,' because this movie is filled with such preposterous impossibilities that Forrest Gump could have improved it with a quick rewrite."

B.A.P.S. - "You have not lived until you've seen Martin Landau disco. Well, perhaps you have."

The Beyond - "The movie is being revived around the country for midnight cult showings. Midnight is not late enough."

Can't Hardly Wait - "There's one character in 'Can't Hardly Wait' who is interesting and funny. Maybe it was a mistake to write her in; she makes the other characters look like gnat-brained bozos."

Clifford - "In a screening of some 150 people, two people laughed, once apiece. The other some 148 did not laugh at all. One of the laughers was me; I liked a moment in a showdown scene between Short and Grodin. The other person laughed right after I did, maybe because he agreed, or maybe because my laugh is darn infectious."

Company Man - "I am reminded of Gene Siskel's classic question, 'Is this movie better than a documentary of the same actors having lunch?' In this case, it is not even better than a documentary of the same actors ordering room service while fighting the stomach flu."

Cool World - "The DJ who was hosting the radio station's free preview of Cool World leaped onto the stage and promised the audience: 'If you liked Roger Rabbit, you'll love Cool World!' He was wrong, but you can't blame him - he hadn't seen the movie. I have, and I will now promise you that if you liked Roger Rabbit, quit while you're ahead."

Dead Man - "A mood might have developed here, had it not been for the unfortunate score by Neil Young, which for the film's final 30 minutes sounds like nothing so much as a man repeatedly dropping his guitar."

Dead Poets Society - "It is, of course, inevitable that the brilliant teacher will eventually be fired from the school, and when his students stood on their desks to protest his dismissal, I was so moved, I wanted to throw up."

Dear God - "'Dear God' is the kind of movie where you walk out repeating the title, but not with a smile."

Death to Smoochy - "Only enormously talented people could have made 'Death to Smoochy.' Those with lesser gifts would have lacked the nerve to make a film so bad, so miscalculated, so lacking any connection with any possible audience. To make a film this awful, you have to have enormous ambition and confidence, and dream big dreams."

Endless Summer II - "The movie is wonderfully photographed. Right at the beginning, we see fabulous shots of waves and surfers. Some of the shots even go inside the 'barrel,' so we can see the wave curling over the head of the surfer. What a way to get stoked. These are terrific shots. We see them again, and again, and again. The operative word in the title is endless, not summer."

Exit to Eden - "On the first page of my notes, I wrote 'Starts slow.' On the second page, I wrote 'Boring.' On the third page, I wrote 'Endless!' On the fourth page, I wrote: 'Bite-size Shredded Wheat, skim milk, cantaloupe, frozen peas, toilet paper, salad stuff, pick up laundry.'"

Freddy Got Fingered - "This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels."

Frozen Assets - "If I were more of a hero, I would spend the next couple of weeks breaking into theaters where this movie is being shown, and leading the audience to safety."

Godzilla (1998) - "Going to see 'Godzilla' at the Palais of the Cannes Film Festival is like attending a satanic ritual in St. Peter's Basilica. It's a rebuke to the faith that the building represents. Cannes touchingly adheres to a belief that film can be intelligent, moving and grand. 'Godzilla' is a big, ugly, ungainly device to give teenagers the impression they are seeing a movie. It was the festival's closing film, coming at the end like the horses in a parade, perhaps for the same reason."

Gone in 60 Seconds - "This is the kind of movie that ends up playing on the TV set over the bar in a better movie."

Halloween H20 - "Michael Myers may also have skills as an electrician. All of the lights and appliances in every structure in this movie go on or off whenever the plot requires them to. I can imagine Myers down in the basement by the fuse box, thinking, 'Gotta slash somebody. But first--geez, whoever filled in the chart on the inside of this fuse box had lousy handwriting! I can't tell the garage door from the garbage disposal!'"

Hard Rain - "In 'Hard Rain,' there is a bad guy (Morgan Freeman) who has a choice. He wants to steal some money, but all during the film I kept wondering why he didn't just give up and head for dry ground. How much of this ordeal was he foolish enough to put up with? Water, cold, rain, electrocutions, murders, shotguns, jet-ski attacks, drownings, betrayals, collisions, leaky boats, stupid and incompetent partners, and your fingertips shrivel up: Is it worth it?"

Jack Frost - "The snowman gave me the creeps. Never have I disliked a movie character more. They say state-of-the-art special effects can create the illusion of anything on the screen, and now we have proof: It's possible for the Jim Henson folks and Industrial Light and Magic to put their heads together and come up with the most repulsive single creature in the history of special effects, and I am not forgetting the Chucky doll or the desert intestine from 'Star Wars.'"

Jaws the Revenge - "I believe that the shark wants revenge against Mrs. Brody. I do. I really do believe it. After all, her husband was one of the men who hunted this shark and killed it, blowing it to bits. And what shark wouldn't want revenge against the survivors of the men who killed it?"

K2 - "If I ever fell off a mountain, I would shout 'Stupid! Stupid!' at myself all the way down, for having willingly and through great effort put myself in a position to fall to my death."

Little Indian, Big City - "There is a movie called 'Fargo' playing right now. It is a masterpiece. Go see it. If you, under any circumstances, see 'Little Indian, Big City,' I will never let you read one of my reviews again."

Mad Dog Time - "'Mad Dog Time' is the first movie I have seen that does not improve on the sight of a blank screen viewed for the same length of time. Oh, I've seen bad movies before. But they usually made me care about how bad they were. Watching 'Mad Dog Time' is like waiting for the bus in a city where you're not sure they have a bus line."

Message in a Bottle - "To saddle Costner, Penn and Newman with such goofy melodrama is like hiring Fred Astaire and strapping a tractor on his back."

Newsies - "'Newsies,' we are informed as the movie opens, is based on actual events. I do not doubt this. I am sure that shortly before the turn of the century, newsboys organized a strike against the greedy Joseph Pulitzer, and were cheered on by a dance-hall madam with a heart of gold. Nor do I doubt that the lads, some of them boys of 9 or 10, hung out in saloons and bought rounds of beer while making their plans, or that the proprietor of an evil city orphanage made himself rich by collecting fees from the city. I don't even doubt that the newsboys printed their own strike paper on an old flatbed press in the basement of Pulitzer's building. Of course I believe. Yes, Virginia."

Patch Adams - "He's the nonconformist, humanist, warm-hearted rebel who defies the cold and materialist establishment and stands up for clowns and free spirits everywhere. This is a role Robin Williams was born to play. In fact, he was born playing it."

Pearl Harbor - "'Pearl Harbor' is a two-hour movie squeezed into three hours, about how on Dec. 7, 1941, the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle."

Psycho - "The most dramatic difference between Alfred Hitchcock's 'Psycho' (1960) and Gus Van Sant's 'shot-by-shot' remake is the addition of a masturbation scene. That's appropriate, because this new 'Psycho' evokes the real thing in an attempt to re-create remembered passion."

A Pure Formality - "Having made the splendidly entertaining 'Cinema Paradiso' in 1988, Giuseppe Tornatore now exhibits his versatility with 'A Pure Formality,' which is not entertaining at all."

Rapa Nui - "Concern for my reputation prevents me from recommending this movie. I wish I had more nerve. I wish I could simply write, 'Look, of course it's one of the worst movies ever made. But it has hilarious dialogue, a weirdo action climax, a bizarre explanation for the faces of Easter Island, and dozens if not hundreds of wonderful bare breasts.' I am however a responsible film critic and must conclude that Rapa Nui is a bad film. If you want to see it anyway, of course, that's strictly your concern. I think I may check it out again myself."

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves - "Costner plays Robin Hood as if he were Alan Alda."

Romeo + Juliet - "What can we make of a balcony scene that immediately leads to Romeo and Juliet falling into a swimming pool and reciting their best lines while treading water? I think back to the tender passion of the 1968 version, and I want to shout: 'Romeo! Quick! Poison yourself!'"

Saving Silverman - "Consider my friend James Berardinelli, the best of the Web-based critics. No doubt 10 days of oxygen deprivation at the Sundance Film Festival helped inspire his three-star review, in which he reports optimistically, '"Saving Silverman" has its share of pratfalls and slapstick moments, but there's almost no flatulence.' Here's a critical rule of thumb: You know you're in trouble when you're reduced to praising a movie for its absence of fart jokes, and have to add 'almost.'"

Spice World - "All of these elements are inspired in one way or another by 'A Hard Day's Night.' The huge difference, of course, is that the Beatles were talented--while, let's face it, the Spice Girls could be duplicated by any five women under the age of 30 standing in line at Dunkin' Donuts."

Sweet November - "She's dying. In the original movie the disease was described as 'quite rare, but incurable.' Here we get another clue, when Nelson opens Sara's medicine cabinet and finds, oh, I dunno, at a rough guess, 598 bottles of pills. The girl is obviously overmedicating. Give her a high colonic, send her to detox, and the movie is over."

The Waterboy - "I believe in giving every movie the benefit of the doubt. I walked into 'The Waterboy,' sat down, took a sip of my delicious medium roast coffee and felt at peace with the world. How nice it would be, I thought, to give Adam Sandler a good review for a change. Goodwill and caffeine suffused my being, and as the lights went down I all but beamed at the screen.

"Then Adam Sandler spoke, and all was lost."

A Brief Essay on Why "The Ring" Movies Suck

(Okay, spoilers aplenty coming, so if you haven't seen either of "The Ring" movies and wanna be surprised, please look away. Skip down the page. There's a really funny article about ideas for new cartoons, if you haven't seen that one. )

To paraphrase Roger Ebert, I know how to believe stuff when it happens in movies. I believe that a kid on a bike can fly. I believe that if you click your heels together three times, it'll send you back home. I even believe that in New York there's a building with a 7 1/2th floor, and on it is a portal into the head of John Malkovich.

All this, I believe. I cannot, however, even for a second, believe the events of "The Ring" movies.

After much cajoling from Heather, I finally rented the first "Ring" last night. And after seeing it, my immediate reaction was, I had to see the sequel at my theatre (which I did this evening with the lovely and talented Laura Butera). Not because it was so good, I felt I needed to see how it continued. But rather because, I felt that the events it depicted were so inexplicable that maybe the sequel would shed some light onto them, and make them, if not fully believable, at least comprehensible on a narrative level.

No luck. We're left with a horror franchise with no really sympathetic lead character, a not-that-scary scary villain, a ludicrous premise, no real surprises or shocks, and ultimately, little in the way of substantial entertainment value.

Let's start with the premise. I just can't buy it. The movies have explained just enough about Samara and her circumstances to raise more questions, and they've not explained enough to let me forget about it and enjoy the story. I mean, think about it for a second. There's this little girl. She is adopted by this rich couple who breeds horses, then she's strangled and tossed down a well. She gains (or keeps, I dunno) supernatural powers and wants to kill. Now, I ask you, what are the odds that she'll say, "Hmm, why don't I imprint my evilness onto a two minute videotape and when someone watches it I'll kill them seven days later unless they make a copy and show it to someone else?" Um, yeah.

Now, I could forgive this premise. I can forgive a LOT, if the film is entertaining. But, sorry, I don't think either of the "Rings" are. First and foremost, they simply ain't scary. They have some cool ideas and some nifty visuals, but the ideas aren't executed really well and the visuals lean more toward "oh, that's cool" than "yow, I jumped!" The pacing is slow, but not slow-deliberate-and-atmospheric, more like slow-we're-trying-to-stretch-the-running-time.

And I simply could not like the main characters. Rachael, as played by Naomi Watts, comes across less as a sympathetic heroine and more as cowardly and selfish. I mean, end of movie one, she CHOOSES to copy the tape and keep the cycle of death going, all to save her life and the life of her son. She must know that more people will die as a result. How am I supposed to like a character who chooses self-preservation over noble self-sacrifice? Goes against pretty much every narrative standard ever. Her son Aidan is a more interesting character, but not interesting enough to make up for it. And the male lead in each movie might as well be wearing a sign, "Hi! I'm gonna die!"

The least you can say is that in neither film do the characters come off as unintelligent. No sir. In fact, they make some astonishing deductions, given the path of information they must take. I mean, given what she's been told, read, learned, seen, held, and felt in her experiences in movie One, I STILL have no flipping idea how she made the logical jump that made her understand that she had to copy the tape to save Aidan's life. And how, when trapped in the dream world/TV world/Samara's head/whatever at the end of Two, she figures out that if she closes the lid to the well in this dream world, it means that Samara will be gone forever. These are logical leaps that Agatha Christie would have found implausible. (And speaking of wells...I must have missed something, but wasn't the well that Samara was thrown into on her folks' property? How the hey did it end up under the floor boards of that cabin, then? And what a coincidence that the same cabin where the well was located was checked into by the kids who watched the tape, huh? What if they'd checked into #11? Climax is kinda shot to hell, isn't it?)

What it comes down to is this, I think...horror has hit a snag. Ever since the "Scream" movies hit it big, we as a culture are starving for new horror concepts, particularly ones where the rating can be PG-13, so the pre-teen set can go. "The Ring" has an easy-to-grasp premise (on its surface, at least), some cool visuals, just enough gore to count while not enough to get an R, and enough scares to scare the easily scared. Hence, it becomes a modern horror hit, and potential franchise. All this I can understand, and really, it's all harmless enough. If I still seem annoyed, maybe it's because I am still haunted by the presence of Michael Myers, the eyes of Linda Blair, the sight of Mike standing in the corner, the dread of the ending of "The Vanishing" (the original version, not the cr@ppy Hollywood remake). In all these, I find true horror, universal horror, the fear that the best movies can produce, the kind of fear that can make you feel all the more alive from having experienced it. "The Ring" films, by contrast, are, at best, lightweights.

Happy Drinking Day!

I've never been one to celebrate St. Patty's day, despite my Irish ancestry and the prominent "Mc" at the beginning of my last name. Hey, I'm a teetotaller, darn it. This means that the primary benefit of celebrating this day - i.e., getting hammered like you've never been hammered before - is not an option for me. Ergo, my observation of the holiday has always been pretty muted. The closest I've ever come to doing ANYTHING for Patty was the year I wore a "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" pin, because Heather convinced me that all the women who I made blush with my Valentine's Day schtick would wanna reward me for it. Um, yeah. I think I got one kiss, total, and if memory serves me, it was from Heather. :)

Meantime, last night was full of friends and happenings (Beth and John hanging at Big Boy and talking for hours, Heather W. at the movies seeing "The Jacket" - not bad, not great, BTW...), and tonight is full of work (nighttime shift so I can help intro the "Beauty Shop" preview). So I'm pretty party resistant tonight, anyway. But everyone else have a blast this evening, and no matter how plastered you get, BE SAFE DRIVING HOME, okay?

Whoops, sorry...

I hadn't checked the blog in a few days and just noticed how that post about the Commonly Confused Words quiz completely screwed up everything on the page. When I tried to post it, my computer got all crazy, so I assumed it never saw the light of day, anyway. So, if that was indeed on here and made everything unreadable, my apologies, and it has just made history as the first post I've ever deleted. Moment of silence, please.

I Want My Bush TV

Check it out. Headline is "Bush TV."

Choose Your Own Joke: for insightful and funny, pick (1). For obvious and mean-spirited, pick (2).

(1) - And they accuse Michael Moore of manipulating the facts?

(2) - Producing news reports to slant media coverage in their favor? What does the White House think it is, Fox News?

That Crucifixion Flop

http://www.boxofficemojo.com/weekend/chart/

So, The Passion makes a grand total of $240,000 on nearly 1,000 screens. Do the math, and it did $251 dollars per screen. FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND. Methinks the fury has died out. Thank God. Whoops, bad turn of phrase.

Funnier still? I kept track of how it did at our theatre over the weekend. The biggest audience it had ALL WEEKEND was 3 at one show on Friday. You heard me, THREE. My Director's Hall drew a maximum of ONE person per show.

Either no one cares about the re-edit or they all have it on DVD and can just do their own editing job...or maybe, just maybe, folks are seeing this for the marketing gimmick it is...

If It Ain't Broke, Just Keep Fixing It

In the spirit of the WB's...um...modest re-imagining of the Looney Toons characters in their new fall cartoon "Loonatics,"allow me to present some equally...modest proposals for other classic characters in need of a similar "updating."

-Mickey Mouse: Assassin for Hire - Forced to make ends meet, Mickey finds work in a CIA training facility and learns that his aw-shucks demeanor and his winning smile make him a perfect government killer. His first assignment: rubbing out potential industrial espionage suspect Scrooge McDuck. Voice of Mickey: Vin Diesel.

-Popeye Confidential - The spinach-chomping sailor journeys onto land and finds violence and intrigue as a Los Angeles private eye. Swee Pea becomes a 17-year-old crack addict, and Olive Oyl becomes a D cup. Voice of Bluto: Harvey Fierstein.

-Flintstones on the Lam: Framed for the murder of Mr. Slate, Fred and the gang head on a cross-country journey while on the run from the law. Voice of Barney: Ving Rhames.

-The Rainbow Connection - Rainbow Brite and Strawberry Shortcake are NOT hiding their feelings anymore. Out of the closet and empowered, the lovers fight for equality and understanding against the evil forces of conservativism. Voice of chief villain: Michael Medved.

-We're Gonna Die, Charlie Brown - The Peanuts gang competes in a deadly futuristic reality show where they must fight for their lives against the evil minions of the Red Baron. A beloved cast member will be killed off every episode. Linus is first to go when his protective blanket gets caught in a wood chipper. Voice of Snoopy: Vince McMahon.

-The Cat in the Hat Gets the Clap - No comment necessary. Voice of Conrad: Sam Waterston.

-Jem and the City - The Holograms ain't innocent anymore. Four single women living in the Big Apple, the bandmates share tales of sex and witty advice with one another as they make their way through the modern social scene. Oh, and Jem's a struggling female boxer on the side, too. Voice of Jem: Demi Moore.

-T&J 4-Eva - Tom and Jerry become inner city kids who dream of playing professional ping pong while learning valuable life lessons each week. Voice of Tom: Ludacris.

-Scooby Doo, You're Turning Blue! - After one overdose too many, Scooby must finally face his addictions and joins the gang in rehab as they all struggle coming to terms with Shaggy's tragic passing (I mean, COME ON, tell me you didn't see it coming). Voice of Scrappy: Kenneth Branagh.

-Yo, Yogi! - Yogi Bear now inhabits a mall instead of a state park, and...oh, wait, they've already done that one. Arrgh!!!!!

(NOTE: The preceeding is a parody. If any of these ever actually get made, stop the planet, I wanna get off.)

Where I've Been...

Quick update as I'm in the middle of a packed week with little if any free time. Partly of my own doing, partly not. Here's what I've been up to...

-Work every day this week until Sunday.

-Big wigs from the main office of the theatre showing up to see me do my schtick in the Director's Halls tomorrow.

-Saw "Million Dollar Baby" again (third time) with the lovely and talented Amanda last night.

-Took grandmother out to lunch this afternoon.

-Organizing a game-playing shindig tomorrow night (call for details, if you're still in town).

-Decided that I would treat game players to some of the delicious Good Eats chocolate chip cookies that I've made in the past, so carved whatever free time I had out of my schedule to buy the ingredients and make them.

-Talked to Lia online for the first time in a while, which is awesome. She's been uber-busy, but it was great to hear from her. Began to think I'd done something...

-Beginning a new friendship here at home with another incredibly cool person. We just click, and it's been a tremendous honor to get to know her. Salut, amiga, and here's hoping this is indeed the beginning of a beautiful friendship!

Well, there's where I am. I'll be back with more witty commentary, silly links and surveys, and just flat-out b!tching about stuff soon enough! :)

Yeah, like I'll EVER be Goth, but...

Courtesy Lia's blog, I present...The Goth Name Generator.

"Homicidal Maniac."

Um, yeah. :)

"...your selfishness knows no bounds."

Note: The following is pretty much a rant. If you want to maintain the illusion that I'm nothing but a nice guy, you may wanna skip this one.

Maybe it comes down to, I don't like being told that if I don't do something, I'm simply a bad person.

One of my best friends just sent me an e-mail. In essence, it's a chain letter. Now, I hate chain mail. I make it a personal policy NEVER to answer or even acknowledge such mailings, because I think in 99 cases out of 100, they serve only to take up inbox space for their recipients and the people they send them to. Show of hands: how many folks out there sent a "send this to five friends" e-mail to five friends, and actually GOT a run of good luck/a new car/1,000 bucks/Bill Gates's private e-mail account/whatever? I'm not seeing many hands out there. This is all part of a promise I made years ago, as part of an Online User Pact, to never add to the already insurmountable internet clutter. Now, occasionally (VERY occasionally) I have broken with tradition and answered a form letter, but only if it was something silly and fun, one of those "get to know your friends" things. And now that I have the blog, I don't send those out, either - I just post 'em here, and anyone interested can check 'em out. No mess, no fuss.

But the one I was sent today is different. This one comes billed as being from MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving. In the body of the text is a poem - a long piece written from the point of view of a teenager who swears against drinking and driving, but then is struck and killed by a drunk driver. The e-mail asks you to add your name to the list at the bottom, and then, when the amount of sign-ees reaches 5,000 people, the poem is to be shipped back to MADD, and then it will be mailed to President Bush.

Okay. Let's get something straight right of the bat - I, Jeff McGinnis, hate alcohol. I can count on my hand the number of times I've ever drank anything which contained alcohol in my life (and even then, a very small amount - I've never, ever been buzzed). And if through some amazing set of circumstances I ever end up drinking, I would never drive drunk. Ever. If ever anyone finds out that I have indeed driven while being legally intoxicated, you have my permission to beat the cr@p outta me. But that won't happen. Because I hate booze. Period. This is not an ethical judgment or a moral stance, it's a personal choice informed by what I've seen alcohol do to people, both on a long-term and a short-term level. I don't see the upside. I don't like the idea of being out of control of my faculties. I personally feel like I can face my life without getting liquored up as a release. And I just HATE the way it tastes. I wasn't kidding when I said, "This stuff tastes like s#!t!" at Masque that one year, however much I was cribbing that speech from a beloved Theta alumni. I have no qualms with anyone else who wants to drink - it's their life, their choice, and if they wanna get plastered, fine. But just don't EVER ask me to join you. And I'll always be the first to swipe their keys and drive them home myself - because you try go out on that road, it no longer becomes your call, it's a call you're making for everyone else on that road. So that's my stance.

But all that said...I can't bring myself to sign this letter and send it along to more people. Why? A few reasons.

First and foremost, I don't see the point of the drive. We're not signing a petition here, with a clearly stated purpose and goal in mind. We're adding our names in approval of a poem, which will supposedly then be sent to the President when enough signatures have been added. For what? What will this accomplish? Nowhere on the e-mail does it say what the goal of the collection of signatures is. It just says, read, sign, and we'll send it to Bush. And what's supposed to happen then? He reads it and becomes so inspired by not only the poem but all those signatures that he decides to become tougher on drunk drivers? This man who has a summons for drunk driving on his record? Is the goal ironic, given its target? I just don't get it.

Secondly, the organization of the petition seems...a little off. Okay, this gets a little complicated, but try and follow. You're told to sign, and then pass on the letter to all your friends and family. Then, apparently, the 5,000th person is supposed to send a print-out of the whole kit and kaboodle back to MADD. Okay, but let's follow the logic. If that first person who got it sent it to not only one person, but a few, then we have more than one branch of this thing going. And if everyone THEY sent it to sends it to a few people, then we already have quite a few copies of this thing out there. Keep it going a few more steps, and already you have literally hundreds of different copies of this thing floating around the net. And that's just after a few steps, potentially. The copy I got already has 545 signatures. If everyone of those folks sent it out to, oh, let's say, only 5 other people, and then they sent it to 5 other people...you're getting the picture, and I'm not patient enough (or good enough with math) to come up with a final figure, but it's gotta be in the tens of thousands. Keep that up, and there may be no way any of those branches reaches 5,000 different people. I mean, folks will eventually get this thing who already got it, will say, "hey, I already got it" and not bother to keep it going. And by the time you reach its conclusion, it either will take forever or you may end up with thousands of different branches of this thing with 2,000 or so signatures apiece - the total of all of them well exceeding the goal, but none making it back to home base. Wouldn't it have been simpler to just, say, ask everyone to send their name to an e-mail address and total it up yourself?

But all that is just me being overly analytical, and I could have skipped all that and happily signed and sent it along, since I support the basic cause, however vaguely defined that cause is in this case. But then, I came to the sentence that just stopped me dead in my tracks. And now, I won't sign it. Period.

Quoting the e-mail directly: "If you receive this petition and do nothing but delete it, your selfishness knows no bounds."

Ahem. Beg your pardon.

I really, really don't like that. The idea that being told that one action, and my choice in that one action, means that I am a selfish person. So, let me get this straight - I decide not to sign this thing, this odd, good-intentioned, but curiously undefined thing, and that makes me a bad person. Whoever wrote this thing, all the way back at person 1, is going to put themselves in a position to judge me, potential person 546, as selfish - all based upon one choice I would make. No. Uh-uh. No way. I don't play that kind of game, even if it is for a cause I support and apparently issued by an organization I endorse.

I hate drinking, and I hate drunk driving. This is the way I am, and the way I will always be. Deciding not to sign a simple e-mail petition does not make me evil, nor does it mean I do not support the cause. It simply means that, after weighing all my options, I will not add my voice to this particular form of protest, because I feel there are far better ways to express my stance - here, in my blog, for example, or by supporting the organization through donations, or making sure that when I'm around someone who's drunk, they don't drive. All far more effective, in my mind, than a random chain letter clogging up the inboxes of internet users around the world could ever be. That's my choice. And no matter what anyone says, it doesn't make me selfish.

Would someone PLEASE let the author know that such holier-than-thou blanket statements don't help your cause, but only serve to p!$$ people off?

And while I'm on (or near) the subject...

Allow me to present a succinct summary of the whole debate about display of the ten commandments in courthouses and government buildings, from Penn and Teller and their classic Showtime series, "Bulls#!t"...

Rabid, uneducated supporter: "You ain't taking my commandments! You ain't taking my bible! And you ain't taking my faith! It's part of the constitution of this country!"

Penn: "We IS taking you commandments out of our courthouse! We ISN'T taking you bible or you faith! The constitution guarantees us freedom from you bible and you faith, while promising you can KEEP you bible and you faith!"

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Elvis didn't do no drugs!

It's BAAAAAAAACK....

Just when I thought I could relax...

Yes, this version is being re-released here, too. So, yours truly might have to actually introduce Da Passion for crowds on Easter weekend.

"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, allow me to entertain you with an original hymn of my own composition...it's called, 'That Crucifixion Flick.'"

(Yes, the song actually exists. I wrote it last year at the height of the Passion frenzy. Lemme know if you want a copy of it. Jeanine's already offered a hundred dollars if I'd actually do it. I responded that it wouldn't come close to covering the cost of the coffin.)