WrestleMania Predictions

Going back in time a bit to my days as a wrestling online commentator for this entry...for 'tis time to pick 'em for WrestleMania 21, coming up this Sunday. Those not interested in wrestling can feel free to ignore this one. (Wonder if I'll have any readers left?)

-The Big Show vs. Akebono; Sumo Wrestling Match

Ahem. Um, who cares? For those who know wrestling but have stopped watching (most of you who know wrestling, in other words), Akebono is a legitimate sumo wrestler who is facing the Big Show in an apparently real sumo match. I say "apparently" because this is wrestling, after all. But still, no matter what, what is our goal? Big Show wins, he beats someone no one knows. Akebono wins, we put over a guy who isn't affiliated with our company. Do the words "Brawl for All" mean anything to anyone? And does ANYONE wanna see the Show in a diaper? Anyway, figure it's rigged, and the Show wins, which does nothing.

WINNER: The Big Show
IF I WERE BOOKING: Well, this match wouldn't be happening.

-Chris Jericho vs. Chris Benoit vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Edge vs. Christian vs. Kane; "Money in the Bank" Ladder Match

Man, we have one of the best line-ups of talent in wrestling history in one match. And then Kane. Anyway, this one, like most of this year's card, was kinda thrown together at the last second, and the stip is that the winner gets a contract for a title shot at any time they want in the next year. No real storyline to speak of, save one, potentially: is the Matt Hardy/Lita/Edge thing a shoot or a work? If it's a work, I can see Matt taking out Kane (the man who "put him out"), and taking his place to get at Edge, leading to a feud. We'll see. Meantime, if this is our line-up...Benoit's kinda been on the skids, and could probably use the win more than anyone else on here. Jericho's just fine, Benjamin's IC champ, E&C are kinda in limbo, and Kane as a contender has kinda been shot.

WINNER: Chris Benoit
IF I WERE BOOKING: Matt takes Kane's place, punks out Edge, and Benoit still wins.

-Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio

No storyline, basically...Chavo has tried to stir sh!t up between Eddie and Rey, current co-tag champs, but it ain't worked, and Eddie just kinda asked Rey if he'd like to wrestle. All-in-all, thank goodness, because we need a good match somewhere on the card. These two work great together (see Halloween Havoc 1997, one of the best matches ever), and hopefully this'll redeem a lot of the card. As for winner...go with my gut and say that Eddie is still considered a potential world title contender, while Rey isn't. Figure that Eddie gets the win.

WINNER: Eddie Guerrero
IF I WERE BOOKING: They get 20 good minutes, and Eddie gets the clean pin.

-Randy Orton vs. The Undertaker

Gimmick is that the Taker is undefeated at Mania, and that the newly heel-turned Orton wants to end the streak. Orton died as a babyface (no pun intended), and needs momentum. (The man got two wins over Mick, a monster push, the world title, and so on, how much more momentum can he get?) Will it be Undertaker giving up his legacy or Orton giving up his push? In this case, I go by who got the last word in the feud on TV, and going by the Smackdown spoilers, that's Randy. Ergo, say that Taker wins.

WINNER: The Undertaker
IF I WERE BOOKING: Orton goes over clean.

-Shawn Michaels vs. Kurt Angle

One of the last remaining "dream matches that haven't happened," though really I don't know for whom this was a dream match, though both guys are awesome workers and the match, in theory, should rock. Problem #1, for like the third Mania in a row, Kurt is apparently in bad shape going in (neck issues again), and considering retirement. Problem #2, Shawn ain't no spring chicken, though he's held up remarkably well in his comeback. Problem #3, the whole "dream match" thing is kinda lost on the fact that no one was really clamoring for it, though, again, it's a great contest in theory. All in all, I AM looking forward to it, just not in an "end-all-be-all" kinda way. As far as winner - if Kurt's hurting worse than he lets on (as he seems to be doing a lot these days), my guess is he wants to go out in style, with a great match, and putting Shawn over crisp and clean with no caffeine.

WINNER: Shawn Michaels
IF I WERE BOOKING: Pretty much the same, Shawn wins clean.

-Trish Stratus vs. Christy Hemme, WWE Women's Title Match

Yuck. We have two hot women here, yes. We also have one talented wrestler (Trish) and one woman who has never wrestled a match, period. (Easy explanation is that woman is a.) the woman who won the much-ballyhooed and very-unwatchable Diva Talent Search, b.) getting paid $250,000 as a result, and c.) this month's Playboy cover girl, so ergo, we wanna justify her salary with a WM spot.) Unless Trish can REALLY carry her, this'll probably suck. My guess is, they'll REALLY wanna justify the cash they're spending on Christy...it pains me to say this, but...

WINNER: Christy Hemme wins the title
IF I WERE BOOKING: Trish wins easily. And it woulda been on Raw.

-JBL vs. John Cena, WWE Title Match

The John Bradshaw Layfield experiment has been a dismal failure, as he hasn't really gotten over as champ, and buyrates have plummeted to near-WCW levels. But we've stuck with it, for EIGHT MONTHS. That frigging BRADSHAW has held the belt longer than pretty much anyone in recent years is a sad, sad commentary on the state of the company. Cena's hot, Cena's over, Cena is looking like the wave of the future...but he ain't that great in the ring, really. Well, neither is Bradshaw, so I have no idea why that's an issue, but I keep hearing that a.) that's being held against Cena, and b.) they wanna keep the belt on Bradshaw until SUMMERSLAM. Why am I reminded of Slim Pickens riding the missile at the end of "Dr. Strangelove"? Cena should get it, but...

WINNER: JBL retains
IF I WERE BOOKING: John Cena wins the title.

-HHH vs. Batista

Batista is getting over big, and in any sane world, would be getting the belt easily here. But a few things keep me from thinking this one is a lock. First, the feud has been booked idiotically, with Batista "thanking" HHH for everything he's done for him, and putting over the H every chance he gets (that kinda thing happens when you're married to the head writer). Also, H'er Boy lost last year, and he's never lost at two Manias in a row. But, they need something, ANYTHING, to change at the top to shake up the company, and hopefully Trips gets it through his exceptionally thick cranium that he ain't the guy to do it, and that he's frigging MARRIED to the company, he doesn't have to worry about his spot. Figure Batista wins clean.

WINNER: Batista wins the title
IF I WERE BOOKING: Batista wins the title.