To Abby

Goodbye to me and you.
Goodbye to the life we knew.
One last long embrace.
Let go and walk on through.

I'm leaving everything behind
for a peace that I can't find.
The ghosts that roam this house
like winter air right through our souls.

And it feels like dying.
It just feels like time to go...

This town is dead to me.
And I can't stop chasing my dreams.
-lyrics from "Night Train" by Bouncing Souls

To my dear friend, Abby.

Life without you will suck.

Well, maybe not suck. But it'll sure be MORE sucky than it was when you were here.

Without you, life will certainly be a lot duller than it is right now. And, given the current levels of dullness in the life of Jeff McGinnis, this seems unfathomable. But so it goes.

And without you, how empty the cities of Toledo and Bowling Green will seem.

You have been my friend for the past five years. In that time, you have been an ear when I needed to talk, a shoulder when I needed to cry, and one of my most enthusiastic boosters when I needed encouragement.

When I was in the dumps, at my lowest point, when the weight of the world was about ready to crush me, your friendship helped dig me out.

When I have seen nothing of value in myself, you have often dragged my self-esteem, kicking and screaming, back into the light.

Your friendship means the world to me, dude.

But, having said all that, I'm also jealous as hell.

Jealous because you have amazing, raw, natural talent - the kind that cannot be taught or learned.

You have natural stage and screen presence. You have an amazing singing voice. Your grace and poise augment your natural beauty, and your winning personality "pops" through everything you do.

In short, you have "it," my friend.

And you have the courage and determination to follow "it." Follow it all the way to L.A., where "it" can take you to the stars.

So yes, life without you may suck. But to know that you went for it - that you took that step and are following the path your dreams and gifts dictate you follow - that makes me happier for you than I can ever say.

There was a moment in an episode of "Taxi," where Alex, the lead cab driver, is talking to Bobby, the actor, as he's about to head for Los Angeles and pursue his dream. Alex says to him, "You know, Bobby, if you're a success out there, we may never see you again."

Then Alex pauses and adds, "Here's hoping we never see you again."

Although I cannot totally echo that statement (I WOULD like to see you again, after all), I agree with the sentiment behind it wholeheartedly. Or, put another way...

"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live is that much more drab and empty that they're gone.

"I guess I just miss my friend."
-The Shawshank Redemption

Goodbye, Abs.

The Other Stuff - 3-21-08

And now, for something completely yadda yadda, here are the news stories you may have missed while you were busy reading up on the ones that were "important" or "actually mattered" or some ga-ga like that. I proudly present...The Other Stuff!

First, this reminder to ALWAYS check the seller feedback rating.

And this one, too, on a stroller that apparently once belonged to Maggie Simpson.

And, while we're talking about the Simpsons, if Bart can sell his SOUL, hell, why not sell everything ELSE?

And, for that special someone who has way too much money and wants to spend it on a piece of cereal vaguely shaped like a state...

And, if you know someone that just can't get enough of World Cup Fever, what better way to say I love you than...

And by the way, if they can't squat, then what the hell are they doing at the Olympics?

And now, from the "Life Imitating Art" file: Now that the Coens have won their Oscar, here's the living embodiment of "Raising Arizona."

And this word to the wise...when committing a felony, one should perhaps consider the ramifications of posting an INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO of how you committed the felony on YouTube.

And really, how many people must call the cops for stolen marijuana before people catch on to the downside of smoking it in the first place?

And, finally, isn't THIS a turnaround...usually it's the STRIPPER who has to be wary of someone shoving of a stiff object in her face. (Thank you! I'll be here all week! Two shows on Friday!)

REPOST: If It Ain't Broke, Keep Fixing It

(Hi. I'm feeling kinda down right now - for reasons you already know and others which you don't yet - so I've decided to perk things up a bit by reposting a few of my favorite older pieces on here, just for laughs. We start with one from March, 2005, which no one has ever commented on or talked to me about, ever. Either no one read it, or the image of Linus in a wood chipper isn't as hilarious to others as I thought it would be.)

In the spirit of the WB's...um...modest re-imagining of the Looney Toons characters in their new fall cartoon "Loonatics,"allow me to present some equally...modest proposals for other classic characters in need of a similar "updating."

-Mickey Mouse: Assassin for Hire - Forced to make ends meet, Mickey finds work in a CIA training facility and learns that his aw-shucks demeanor and his winning smile make him a perfect government killer. His first assignment: rubbing out potential industrial espionage suspect Scrooge McDuck. Voice of Mickey: Vin Diesel.

-Popeye Confidential - The spinach-chomping sailor journeys onto land and finds violence and intrigue as a Los Angeles private eye. Swee Pea becomes a 17-year-old crack addict, and Olive Oyl becomes a D cup. Voice of Bluto: Harvey Fierstein.

-Flintstones on the Lam - Framed for the murder of Mr. Slate, Fred and the gang head on a cross-country journey while on the run from the law. Voice of Barney: Ving Rhames.

-The Rainbow Connection - Rainbow Brite and Strawberry Shortcake are NOT hiding their feelings anymore. Out of the closet and empowered, the lovers fight for equality and understanding against the evil forces of conservativism. Voice of chief villain: Michael Medved.

-We're Gonna Die, Charlie Brown - The Peanuts gang competes in a deadly futuristic reality show where they must fight for their lives against the evil minions of the Red Baron. A beloved cast member will be killed off every episode. Linus is first to go when his protective blanket gets caught in a wood chipper. Voice of Snoopy: Vince McMahon.

-The Cat in the Hat Gets the Clap - No comment necessary. Voice of Conrad: Sam Waterston.

-Jem and the City - The Holograms ain't innocent anymore. Four single women living in the Big Apple, the bandmates share tales of sex and witty advice with one another as they make their way through the modern social scene. Oh, and Jem's a struggling female boxer on the side, too. Voice of Jem: Demi Moore.

-T&J 4-Eva - Tom and Jerry become inner city kids who dream of playing professional ping pong while learning valuable life lessons each week. Voice of Tom: Ludacris.

-Scooby Doo, You're Turning Blue! - After one overdose too many, Scooby must finally face his addictions and joins the gang in rehab as they all struggle coming to terms with Shaggy's tragic passing (I mean, COME ON, tell me you didn't see it coming). Voice of Scrappy: Kenneth Branagh.

-Yo, Yogi! - Yogi Bear now inhabits a mall instead of a state park, and...oh, wait, they've already done that one. Arrgh!!!!!

(NOTE: The preceeding is a parody. If any of these ever actually get made, stop the planet, I wanna get off.)