REPOST: If It Ain't Broke, Keep Fixing It

(Hi. I'm feeling kinda down right now - for reasons you already know and others which you don't yet - so I've decided to perk things up a bit by reposting a few of my favorite older pieces on here, just for laughs. We start with one from March, 2005, which no one has ever commented on or talked to me about, ever. Either no one read it, or the image of Linus in a wood chipper isn't as hilarious to others as I thought it would be.)

In the spirit of the WB's...um...modest re-imagining of the Looney Toons characters in their new fall cartoon "Loonatics,"allow me to present some equally...modest proposals for other classic characters in need of a similar "updating."

-Mickey Mouse: Assassin for Hire - Forced to make ends meet, Mickey finds work in a CIA training facility and learns that his aw-shucks demeanor and his winning smile make him a perfect government killer. His first assignment: rubbing out potential industrial espionage suspect Scrooge McDuck. Voice of Mickey: Vin Diesel.

-Popeye Confidential - The spinach-chomping sailor journeys onto land and finds violence and intrigue as a Los Angeles private eye. Swee Pea becomes a 17-year-old crack addict, and Olive Oyl becomes a D cup. Voice of Bluto: Harvey Fierstein.

-Flintstones on the Lam - Framed for the murder of Mr. Slate, Fred and the gang head on a cross-country journey while on the run from the law. Voice of Barney: Ving Rhames.

-The Rainbow Connection - Rainbow Brite and Strawberry Shortcake are NOT hiding their feelings anymore. Out of the closet and empowered, the lovers fight for equality and understanding against the evil forces of conservativism. Voice of chief villain: Michael Medved.

-We're Gonna Die, Charlie Brown - The Peanuts gang competes in a deadly futuristic reality show where they must fight for their lives against the evil minions of the Red Baron. A beloved cast member will be killed off every episode. Linus is first to go when his protective blanket gets caught in a wood chipper. Voice of Snoopy: Vince McMahon.

-The Cat in the Hat Gets the Clap - No comment necessary. Voice of Conrad: Sam Waterston.

-Jem and the City - The Holograms ain't innocent anymore. Four single women living in the Big Apple, the bandmates share tales of sex and witty advice with one another as they make their way through the modern social scene. Oh, and Jem's a struggling female boxer on the side, too. Voice of Jem: Demi Moore.

-T&J 4-Eva - Tom and Jerry become inner city kids who dream of playing professional ping pong while learning valuable life lessons each week. Voice of Tom: Ludacris.

-Scooby Doo, You're Turning Blue! - After one overdose too many, Scooby must finally face his addictions and joins the gang in rehab as they all struggle coming to terms with Shaggy's tragic passing (I mean, COME ON, tell me you didn't see it coming). Voice of Scrappy: Kenneth Branagh.

-Yo, Yogi! - Yogi Bear now inhabits a mall instead of a state park, and...oh, wait, they've already done that one. Arrgh!!!!!

(NOTE: The preceeding is a parody. If any of these ever actually get made, stop the planet, I wanna get off.)