Royal Rumble '96

Need to Knows:

Shawn lost at WrestleMania, turned face after that and he and Diesel are buddies again. Then Shawn got attacked at a nightclub (legitimately, I think) and suffered a concussion. This led to a long “will he ever wrestle again?” angle, which was answered when he announced his entry into the Rumble.

Bret won the title back from Diesel at the Survivor Series.

Diesel snapped and beat him up after the match, and as a result became the WWF’s first attempt at being a “tweener” - not quite a face and not quite a heel.

The Attitude Era was still a few years away, but the seeds of it were planted: sexuality was being more blatantly introduced into the shows and a hardcore edge getting a bit more commonplace.

In short, things were more interesting than they were before, but not quite as interesting as they would be in the future. Welcome to the Mediocre Middle.

Royal Rumble 1996
1/21/1996
Fresno, California

The World Wrestling Federation: For over 50 years, the revolutionary force in having their logo rise up out of the side of a mountain and making themselves feel all important and stuff.

And we cut to Sunny in a bathtub: “Tonight’s show contains action of a graphic nature. Viewer indiscretion - (giggle) - I mean, viewer discretion is advised.” For the record, Sunny was in many ways a revolutionary figure: Tammy Sytch was pretty much the first major sex symbol to come out of the WWF in the mid-90’s, and the roles that women play in today’s WWE almost invariably follow the pattern that she laid down. For better or worse. It’s just too bad how her own career and life have taken such turns for the worse in the interim, with her own well-publicized problems and the loss of Chris Candido. I sincerely hope she can turn her life around - she is such an enormously talented performer, and I firmly believe that she could still have a ton to offer the wrestling business if she does so.

The first “Pre-Show Music Video with Grandiose Narration” for a Rumble. These would get more elaborate as time went on, but even in the early days the WWF’s great production staff did an amazing job of setting up the show and making it all seem important. Even the Razor Ramon/Goldust match. No music overdubs or anything, for the record.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Mr. Perfect, who had been phased into a commentary role upon returning to the company at the Survivor Series. Hennig was always an extremely entertaining commentator - I always preferred his work to Lawler’s, though Jerry has grown on me over the years. Much like kudzu grows in the South.

“Double J” Jeff Jarrett vs. Ahmed Johnson
Jarrett and the Roadie had suddenly departed the WWF after Jarrett lost the IC title to Shawn Michaels over the summer, and Jarrett returned solo in December. This run wouldn’t last long, either - he was pretty much gone by WrestleMania and showed up in WCW not long after. Upon his return, Jarrett immediately set up a feud with Ahmed, who was the new phenom of the Federation. I mean, Ahmed was IT. He was big, he had charisma, his offense was hard-hitting, he could even fly if he wanted to. Think Goldberg, or, in today’s terms, think Bobby Lashley. And these were the early days when it seemed there was nowhere for Ahmed to go but up. Well, he went up, but then injuries hit him hard, and soon it became a running gag that he couldn’t do anything without hurting himself or his opponent. Within 2 years, he was gone from the company. It was a little sad after these early days showed all that promise. Jarrett goes for an early shot, but Ahmed is having none of that and quickly takes over. Jarrett tries to come back with wrestling, but Ahmed overpowers him. And it kinda goes on like that. The crowd is right with everything that Ahmed does. Ahmed goes for a big clothesline and ends up getting his hand tied in the ropes, which opens the door for Jarrett to start controlling the match. A few trips to the apron and the steps give him more solid control. Back in and we get the typical Jarrett offense, punctuated by struts. Ahmed starts running in place, which I guess is his version of Tatanka’s War Dance, and Jarrett keeps hitting flying moves that get no-sold. Ahmed finally catches him in a bear hug, then a clothesline and a spine buster for good measure. Jarrett rolls to the floor, so Ahmed simply hits him with a no hands plancha, landing on his head in the process. Hmm, I’m beginning to see why he got hurt so often. Ahmed tosses Jarrett back in and goes for a senton bomb, but misses and starts selling his knee. Jarrett, of course, locks on the Figure Four, and as Ahmed struggles the crowd starts rumbling for Ahmed. He finally turns it around and Jarrett grabs the ropes. Jarrett gets back on the knee, then tries the Figure Four again, and Ahmed simply kicks him with the other leg and sends him to the floor. Jarrett, then, decides he’s had enough of the match and waffles Ahmed with a guitar shot from the top rope for the DQ. Jarrett quickly heads out, Ahmed recovers and chases him to the back. The crowd really dug Ahmed, but the match was way too short to be worth anything, really.

To Todd Pettengill with Diesel, who is in his “I’m too cool for this interview segment” phase. He compares himself to an immature 9th grader who has been left home alone. A more apt analogy may have never been made.

WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Bodydonnas (w/ Sunny) vs. The Smoking Gunns (champions)
This was just before the era where Sunny basically managed every team which won the tag team titles over an 8-month stretch, hopping from team to team with the frequency of a cheap ham radio (to steal a line from Dan Aykroyd). The Bodydonnas are Skip (Chris Candido) and Zip (Dr. Tom Pritchard), newly minted as a tag team after Skip spent a half a year working as a single wrestler and feuding with Barry Horowitz, of all people. They are getting a tag title shot because we are in an era where we have no real tag team division at all, so as soon as we get a new team, they are immediately put in title contention out of sheer necessity. Wait, I think we’re still in that era. The Gunns are, of course, still Billy and Bart, though they’d finally be broken up by the time 1997 rolled around. It’s pretty interesting how almost everyone in this match ended up making a pretty big impact on wrestling history in their own ways: Sunny as explained earlier, Chris as a tremendous worker who put on great matches everywhere he went before his tragic passing in 2005, Dr. Tom by training basically an entire generation of WWF performers, and Billy as one half of the quintessential team of the late 90s, the New Age Outlaws. The only odd man out is Bart “Is That My Head in the Front Row?” Gunn. As an aside, Vince tends to get, shall we say, focused on the talent of an individual or team, and proceeds to push them to the moon, logic or results notwithstanding. Witness the Gunns, who got pushed regularly for, like, 3 years straight despite never really being what you would classify as “over.” Or maybe that’s just a sign of how mediocre the tag scene was at this point. Sunny gets a bigger reaction exiting the ring than the Gunns do with their whole entrance. Good, fast paced back-and-forth action to start. Nifty spot where Bart counters a slingshot into the ring by simply letting go of the ropes, then whips the Donnas to the floor in response as they fail to follow the same tactic. Billy even hits a tope to the floor. Skip gets ping-ponged between the Gunns to become…uh, Heel in Trouble? Sunny blows kisses and shows off her assets to distract the Gunns, but it goes nowhere. Zip comes in and gets more of the same treatment. More good back-and-forth stuff. Sunny gets on the apron so Billy can knock her off while he’s running the ropes, which finally gives the Donnas control when Billy gets jumped checking on her. Billy is now your Face in Trouble, naturally. The Donnas show some pretty nifty teamwork for a pair that has been together for all of a few weeks at the time this match had taken place. Not, like, Midnight Express-level or anything, but definitely good. A pretty contrived TRIPLE knock-out sets up the Race to Tag…tag to Bart, House Afire, and soon Hell, as is its wont, dutifully Breaks Loose. The Gunns hit their finisher, the Sidewinder (combination sidewalk slam and legdrop), but Sunny’s distracting the ref. The Donnas nail Bart illegally as he covers, but that only gets two. The Donnas work over Bart and try a double suplex, but Billy spears Zip and Bart gets a rather sloppy cradle on Skip for the pin to retain. Not a bad match, really, but there wasn’t much in the way of crowd interest.

And now we get…oy vey…a compilation of Billionaire Ted’s Wrasslin’ Warroom. For those playing the home game, the WWF decided to fire back at WCW by running skits depicting their wrestlers as old and boring and stuff. None of the skits could be called “entertaining” in any sense of the word, they were just trying to run them down for the sake of running them down. It ended up being a very costly waste of time, as not only was nothing accomplished, but when Scott Hall and Kevin Nash showed up on WCW TV and addressed the WCW stars using the parody nicknames the WWF had used in these skits, it gave the impression to the marks at home that the WWF was indeed behind the invasion, without anyone ever actually having to say the letters “WWF.” Hindsight being 20-20 and all that, Vince and company probably wish they had never done these skits. Especially given how they were marketing Hogan as old and washed up over TEN YEARS AGO and they still were using him until recently.

Feud In Review: Goldust/Razor Ramon. Long and the short of it is, Goldie’s been hitting on him. The Attitude era didn’t really get underway for another few years, but as noted, the first inklings of a more “edgy” storytelling style were starting to come into effect, and the Goldust character was the first out of the gate. If previous depictions of homosexual characters in WWF storytelling were simply accomplished through implication and innuendo, Goldust was the first on a national level to make the overtones explicit. He was originally supposed to be the “embodiment of Hollywood,” but when that got no heat, the character’s effeminate overtones were turned to 11 and he started coming onto Razor Ramon, which started drawing homophobic heat. This would progress throughout the first year of the character’s run, making each of his feuds essentially the same: He’d express some supposed romantic interest in a babyface, which got boos, and then the babyface would snap and beat him up in response, which got cheers. Yep, you should never, EVER, under any circumstances, undersell wrestling’s ability to be a bastion of sensitivity and good taste in dealing with societal issues.

Intercontinental Title Match: Goldust (w/ Marlena and the Usher) vs. Razor Ramon (champion)
Goldust is, of course, Dustin Rhodes, in a grand effort to escape from his father’s rather ample shadow. You could say it succeeded, I guess. Marlena is his then-wife Terri, who would go onto become one of the longest-tenured of all the WWF divas. This is her first WWF appearance, and the announcers don’t know her name or who she is at this point, though they make a big deal of asking why Goldust has a woman with him. The Usher is just some guy who followed Goldie around for the first few months before disappearing. It is gonna be hard to evaluate this one as a match, as the way they are making mockery of sexual issues (for the sake of cheap heat) is so offensive to me as an adult that it’s hard for me to separate the disgust I feel from the work the wrestlers are doing. I’ll just roll with it and see what happens. Goldie’s entrance takes FOREVER. In the grand scheme of things, I really wish they had never incorporated the golden dust falling from the ceiling in Goldie’s entrance, as for years we had matches where wrestlers were forever landing on the floor and ending up with glitter plastered to their back for the rest of the night. This was Razor’s fourth and last reign as IC champ. Razor was also feuding with the newly heel-turned 1-2-3 Kid, a fact I point out for no reason and to establish nothing that may or may not happen later. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. We get a ton of shots of Marlena in her director’s chair on the floor. Goldie starts with his deep breathing and touching himself bit early, to loud boos. Razor tosses a toothpick at Goldie in response. More deep breathing, more boos. MORE deep breathing, including the full *ss-stroking routine, drawing exactly the chant you’d expect it to. You have to work really hard to make TNA’s “Brokeback Mountain!” chant look subtle and sophisticated. Razor works the arm as something resembling a wrestling match starts. Goldie breaks holds by feeling Razor up, again drawing huge boos. Chant for Razor. They certainly have the crowd into it, though they’re having to appeal to the lowest common denominator to do it. Yeah, that’s wrestling’s usual M.O., I admit it, but I don’t have to like it. And I believe working angles like this, beyond being insensitive and exploitive, does nothing but demean the work of art that a great wrestling match can be. So I’m gonna speak out when something truly offensive is going on. It may be an uphill fight, but most fights worth pursuing are. Anyway, we get back into something close to wrestling, as Razor slaps him around for a bit. He even spanks Goldie, who responds positively to it, drawing more boos. We head to floor for a game of “let’s hide behind the manager,” then back in for a headlock sequence that ends with a big punch from Ramon. More Hiding Behind Marlena on the floor, then back in to blow Razor a kiss, to more boos and chants. Big clothesline sends Goldie to the floor. And YET ANOTHER game of Hiding Behind Marlena FINALLY gives Goldust the advantage. Back inside, Goldust starts working Razor over for a few near falls. Marlena blows some gold dust into Razor’s eyes on the ropes, though it’s really more like she tries to blow it into his eyes and it just kinda falls to the floor. More Goldust domination leads to a sleeper. WE love RESTholds, clap clap clapclapclap. Razor breaks the hold in that most babyface of ways, by kicking Goldust in the groin. I Block, You Don’t, won of course by Razor. Chokeslam by Razor for 2. Backslam for 2. Back suplex off the top as Marlena tries to come in the ring to distract the ref, allowing the 1-2-3 Kid to SHOCKINGLY sneak in and nail Razor with a spin kick. Goldust covers, 1, 2, 3, new IC champ. Goldie and Marlena exchange a rather, um, unique French kiss post-match. Goldust would hold the belt for the next six months, while Razor would get stuck facing the Kid in the infamous “Crybaby Match” at the next PPV before heading to WCW. And I can safely say that beyond being offensive on a narrative level, it was pretty lousy as a match, too.

And now, your Pre-Rumble Interview Montage! Dr. Jeffrey Unger is going to win the Rum…oh, wait, no, he’s just here to tell us that Shawn is cleared to compete. Oh, come on, doc, why don’t you take a shot and enter? You’d be at LEAST as credible as Drew Carey was. Owen Hart is gonna win, and end Shawn’s career! Jake Roberts is gonna win! The King is gonna win! Barry Horowitz is gonna…oh, who am I kidding? Vader is gonna win! Shawn is gonna win! He officially dubs his fans “the Clique,” and you can just hear the WWF writers giggling in self-aware glee at coming up with THAT one.

To Vince and Perfect, who set up the Rumble rules and everything. Yes, the Rumble is next, marking the first time where the Rumble match did not actually close the Rumble PPV. And the intervals are back to 2 minutes, thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They also mention a match that happened on the Free for All (the PPV pre-show which debuted here and continues to this day) where two guys faced off, winner getting #30, loser getting #1. As a result, Duke “The Dumpster” Droese gets 30, aaaaaaaaand….

The Royal Rumble

First Two Entrants: #1. Hunter Hearst Helmsley, #2. Henry O. Godwinn
Hoo boy. For the uninitiated who are wondering just who the hey this Helmsley character is, please reflect upon the abbreviation of that overly complicated nickname: HHH. Why, three H’s in a row, you might almost say it was a TRIPLE H. Yep, we all have to start somewhere, and Trips began back in 1995 as an “American Blueblood” who wore red hunting jackets and dress shirts and acted all snobby and stuff. He also had about 50 pounds less muscle and much nicer hair. Oh, and he couldn’t have drawn heat if he had set fire to a baby in the middle of the ring and snorted its ashes like Keith Richards. (I know, I know, Keith didn’t actually do it, he was just making a joke, but the line made me laugh so I’m using it.) The man just had no aptitude for making fans care about him, a trend that would continue for another two years until he started leeching off of Shawn’s heat in the original run of DX. Then, when he was turned heel for his main event push, the fans stopped caring about him AGAIN, which could only be remedied by pushing him to the moon, having him marry the boss’s daughter (in storyline and then in real life) and having Mick job his career away to him. Yes, it took a good FIVE YEARS of concerted effort on the part of the WWF before Trips started drawing consistent heat on his own. That’s why I laugh so hard when I see some people proclaim how Trips has so obviously earned his main event pushes. Anyhoo. Godwinn had been turned face and was actually feuding with HHH at this point, having had the epic Hog Pen Match the month before on PPV, so this segment would have some heat if it had any heat. Slugfest to start, with Godwinn dominating with power. HHH comes back by going to the eyes. Pretty dull opening segment, really.

#3. Mr. Bob Backlund
Bob was in his “I’m contemplating running for the presidency of the United States of America!!!!” phase. He enters to his music, which means that we are now in the era where we are playing themes during Rumble entrances, which means that the set could get a wee bit more complicated legally from this point on. Backlund saves Hunter from elimination right away and goes to work on Godwinn. We go into Every Man For Himself mode, with everyone trying to eliminate everyone for a few minutes.

#4. “The King” Jerry Lawler
Interesting group to start with, seeing as how we seem to expect Henry Godwinn to hold the fans’ interest as a babyface. That sure is giving Godwinn credit. Or, more accurately, credit to the fans’ attention span. Lawler directs traffic against Godwinn, leading to an effort to slop Godwinn with his own bucket (if you don‘t know, you don’t wanna), but Godwinn fights out, sends them to the floor and slops all three of them, instead. And a few lucky fans in the front row, too. Yes, with your front row Rumble ticket you also got, free of charge, partially drenched in half-eaten farming gook. I have NO idea why attendance was down in this era, do you? Even Perfect is making the obvious Gallagher jokes.

#5. Bob “Spark Plug” Holly
And the crowd goes wild. Bob works over Lawler, though given what the heels went through I would be somewhat hesitant to hit any of them at this point. Maybe in a few minutes. Vince: “As this ring fills up - if it does - the likelihood of maneuverability is lessened considerably.” Vinnie apparently did the “Increase Your Word Power” puzzle in Reader’s Digest earlier that day. Everyone works on someone. Godwinn almost gets tossed out by Helmsley.

#6. King Mabel
We decided that Mabel was worth a main event push, so we turned him heel and had him win the KOTR tournament. The end result was Diesel/Mabel, certifiably the worst SummerSlam main event ever, with the possible exception of the Macho Man/Elizabeth wedding at Summer Slam ’91. The WWF gave up on the Mabel-as-top-heel experiment pretty quickly after that. He works over Henry Godwinn. HHH and Holly face off in mid-ring. Main event anywhere in the country, that match. The sad thing is, nowadays, WWE would really like you to believe that would be the case. Backlund half-heartedly tries to eliminate them both.

#7. Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Jake is making his WWF return after a four year absence, with both a WCW run and a long struggle with alcoholism occurring in the interim. He gets a huge reaction, bigger than everyone else in the ring combined to this point. He also, naturally, brings a snake, which clears the ring except for an oblivious Lawler, who as a result gets covered in python for his troubles. Big pop for that, and the sight of Lawler bolting out of the ring on all fours is pretty funny. We clear the snake out and the Rumble resumes, without Lawler, who is nowhere to be seen. Mabel gets tied in the ropes and worked over.

#8. Dory Funk, Jr.
One of the all-time greats and former NWA champion, playing this year’s “Old-Timer-as-Rumble-Entrant.” He’s also, naturally, Terry’s brother. He also gets Sam Houston’s music for some reason. This guy was a true iron man from back in the day where the NWA world champion would be a touring titleholder, roaming from territory to territory and making the local talent look like stars because they could hang with the NWA champ. Jim Cornette tells stories of Dory going to towns he had never been to and wrestling guys he had never met for matches that would last an hour. “Hi, I’m Dory. Nice to meet you. Get me in a headlock.” I have footage of Dory from the 1970s, and he looks EXACTLY THE SAME in this Rumble as he does in my tape. That is simply amazing personal conditioning. As a point of reference, this guy was older when he participated in this Rumble than Hulk Hogan is TODAY. He and Backlund pair off for a little battle of the legends. Crowd keeps chanting for the DDT. We catch a shot of Lawler hiding under the ring though he’s not been eliminated. Smart, though it would have been smarter if he hadn’t been caught on camera. Godwinn nails a clothesline which takes Mabel down…landing right on Helmsley’s legs. Yee-ouch.

#9. Yokozuna
Yoko was up to maybe 600+ pounds at this point, not counting his beard. He goes right after Backlund and tosses him out easily, finally notching our first elimination after over 15 minutes. Then it becomes the Battle of the Bulging Waistlines, as Yoko and Mabel pair off in the corner, with poor Henry Godwinn trapped in the corner behind them. More DDT chants. Godwinn ends up on the mat and EVERYONE takes a shot at him for good measure.

#10. The 1-2-3 Kid
The Kid is chased to the ring by Razor, and they do a few laps around ringside before the referees are able to catch Razor and order him to the back. A few of the refs even get to do some unintentional pratfalls in the slop. Jake eliminating Godwinn goes completely unnoticed during the fun.

#11. Takeo Omori
This year’s entrant from Japan, who in the years to follow would become a pretty big star in Japan and is, apparently, the current AWA champion, although the very existence of the AWA independent from WWE’s ownership of the name is in legal doubt at this point. He also gets the Orient Express’s music to enter, which makes NO sense - we have to overdub the Express theme when the Express uses it, but when another Japanese wrestler gets it as a grace note for a cameo, we can play it just fine? What the pfargtl? Give him credit for guts, he goes after Mabel to start. Omori even takes him down with a dropkick. Dory almost eliminates the Kid. Jake squares off with Yoko and takes him down to a huge reaction.

#12. Savio Vega
Savio was unmasked back in May and became a babyface buddy to Razor. He wasn’t appreciably over at this point, though that would change during his feud with another guy who will be making his debut in this Rumble. We’ll deal with him later. Big Savio spinkick takes down Mabel, then Yoko takes advantage and dumps Mabel out. As a kid, having never seen Yoko take a bump over the top to the floor, there was legitimate concern on my part that Yoko was gonna win this thing, as I didn’t see how he could be eliminated. That, and the next entrant’s Rumble debut, were the only things which kept Shawn from being a complete lock as winner. Omori tries to eliminate Jake, but the momentum is too great and Omori tumbles out instead. Jake’s getting a really solid push in this one. Bob Holly works on Yoko, and the look on Yoko’s face is one of amusement at the sheer chutzpah being displayed.

#13. Vader
Vader is making his WWF debut, after a little backstage scuffle with Paul Orndorff (with Paul dominating, wearing sandals, no less) led to Vader departing WCW. It was unclear whether he’d be brought into the WWF as a face or heel, a status clarified by Jim Cornette being introduced as Vader’s manager here. Vader works on Bob Holly to start. Aim high, big man. Savio slowly eases Dory to the floor for the elimination. Vader really doesn’t make much impact for a monster making his debut.

#14. Doug Gilbert
Doug is the late “Hot Stuff” Eddie Gilbert’s brother, and is in this Rumble as a grace note to Lawler’s USWA, which was sort-of being used as a farm system by the WWF at that point. He also gets the LEAST intimidating music in wrestling history to enter. Imagine a hoedown song from “Hee Haw” with even less scrotum and you’ve got it. Jake finally nails a DDT on Savio, and the production crew stupidly cuts away just before he delivers it. When the crowd has been chanting for a move all match, IT’S A GOOD IDEA TO ACTUALLY SHOW IT BEING EXECUTED. Just saying, is all. He goes for another one on Gilbert, but Vader stops it with a punch, which Jake dramatically oversells, going over the top to the floor. Good run for Jake in his comeback, though. Vader then works over Gilbert. Wow, only the biggest game in the forest for that dude, let me tell you.

#15. Squat Team #1
A team of big 400-pound identical twins who are better known elsewhere as the Headhunters. Which brings to mind the obvious question: The SQUAT TEAM? That was really the best we could come up with? Okay, maybe Headhunters was too close to Headshrinkers, but really? Eh, it doesn’t matter, this Rumble was basically their only appearance ever, anyway. Vader continues to beat on Gilbert, determined to prove his dominance by pounding on a guy whose lone career highlight was wrecking Power Pro Wrestling by shooting on Jerry Lawler. But such is prologue. Anyway, Vader presses Gilbert to the floor to end his run. Squat Team #1 tries his luck on Vader, too, and gets tossed just as easily. Yoko and Vader start trading punches, to Cornette’s horror.

#16. Squat Team #2
#1 meets #2 in the aisle and they decide to head back in together and get revenge on Vader, and that goes as well as you’d expect, which is to say Vader pounds both of them and tosses #1 again, followed by Yoko tossing #2, as well. I just wanted to say for the record how proud I am that I got through a segment where I had to say “#1 and #2” a lot without resorting to a single bit of scatological humor. Thank you. Savio tries to eliminate Hunter, as we’re over half done and HHH is still hanging tough, meaning he’s getting this year’s Ted DiBiase push.

#17. Owen Hart
Owen is “the man who put Shawn Michaels on the shelf,” as in a rather famous angle on Raw he kicked Shawn in the head which caused a “aggravation of his concussion,” which led to Shawn collapsing on live TV. That was actually a very well executed angle, and had us all believing for a bit that Shawn really was hurt, but it turned out to be a set up for Shawn’s world title run at WrestleMania. Vader and Yoko work over Savio with splashes and legdrops and avalanches, oh my.

#18. Shawn Michaels
Big pop for Shawn in his return. Shawn’s attitude as a babyface performer in this era is interesting - he seems almost too excited to be out there, like he’s subtly mocking the very conventions of face-dom in the process of performing them. Shawn works on the world a bit as Vader clotheslines Savio out. Shawn beats on Clique-mates the Kid and HHH before finally fighting supposed feud-ee Owen Hart. Yoko and Vader start exchanging blows again, leading to both guys fighting on the ropes…so Shawn runs up and dumps them BOTH out to the floor. Well, that’s one way to do it. Crowd goes ballistic, naturally. Shawn presses the Kid to the floor as an exclamation point. The ring is certainly a lot more vacant now…or, in Vince-speak, the likelihood of maneuverability is increased considerably.

#19. Hakushi
Great Japanese wrestler Jinsei Shinzaki, whose WWF career started promisingly enough (as he was feuding with Bret Hart) and then ended rather sadly (as he was partnered with Barry Horowitz). Vader and Yoko shove a bit on the floor, leading to Vader slugging Yoko from behind and climbing back in the ring to attack Shawn, then press him over his head to the floor. But don’t you fear, this is apparently a year where an illegal entrant cannot eliminate a legal one, so Michaels is still in it. The fans, not clued into this, are quite deflated by the tossing. Vader clears the ring of everyone and is finally escorted out by a whole cadre of officials, including then-WWF President Gorilla Monsoon, who Vader would attack the following night on Raw to cap off his debut weekend.

#20. Tatanka
They might as well have called him the Often-Defeated Native American at this point, as Tatanka was now essentially a jobber at the tail end of his WWF run. The Rumble is once again re-started, with Shawn tossing Cornette out just for fun, though Corny kinda blows the bump in the process. Hakushi hits his awesome handspring elbow on Owen, which once again reminds you how great a talent he is and how badly the WWF blew it with him. Imagine the amazing matches that guy could STILL be having on the roster today. I personally would give a kidney for Hakushi/Rey Mysterio. Well, maybe not a kidney. Nothing really vital, anyway. A toe, perhaps. Anyway, Shawn assumes his usual position in the Rumble, almost being eliminated by almost everyone. Hakushi gets caught doing a flip by Owen and tossed out.

#21. “The Portuguese Man-O-War” Aldo Montoya
Aldo was pretty much a joke by this point. Even Perfect gets in a zinger as he comes in: “He’s got his jock on the wrong part of his body!” Bob and HHH are working on some surprising longevity runs at this point, but surprising in the way that you forget they’re still in the ring. No one gasps when they try to eliminate Holly or anything like Backlund had going for him three years ago. Shawn spills to the floor (through the ropes) and it suddenly occurs to him that there’s an entrant whose presence we have forgotten about, so he decides to dig under the ring and drags the King back out from his hiding place. Shawn tosses Lawler back into the ring, and a single big punch knocks the King over the top to the floor to officially eliminate him. Tatanka tosses Aldo on the far side, as well.

#22. Diesel
No smile or anything for the now not-quite-babyface Diesel. Diesel pounds on the world for a while and quickly tosses Tatanka as a warm greeting. Shawn and Diesel bump into each other, and Diesel of course pounds away with a punch in response. Aw, now THAT’S friendship. Shawn, of course, gets up and responds in kind. Owen goes to work on Diesel as Shawn again teases elimination by HHH.

#23. Kama
The Supreme Fighting Machine, the WWF’s answer to the UFC before Ken Shamrock came in and did it right. This was pretty much the tail end of his run, too. We were but a few years away from Kama getting in touch with his inner Huggy Bear. Everyone pairs off into corners for a while. Diesel tries to hit Kama with a shot, but misses and KOs Shawn instead. Foreshadowing, perhaps, or karmic payback for all the times Shawn did that to Diesel? You make the call.

#24. The Ringmaster
Hmm? What’s that? You don’t know who that is? Join the club. He’s this guy that WCW released who could never, ever be marketed successfully. He had a brief run in ECW before getting picked up by the WWF, and they put him in Ted DiBiase’s stable and made him the new Million Dollar Champion. He wasn’t getting over. So they decided to change his name, let him shave his head and grow a goatee, and come up with a new nickname inspired by his wife’s description of her tea after it had been sitting for a while. You MAY know him under that name: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. This was his WWF PPV debut. Who could have guessed we were looking at the future of the business on this night? Within six months he’d be the King of the Ring and “Austin 3:16” was born. But for now, he gets virtually no reaction. This would change quickly. Ringmaster and Diesel pair off in a corner, in one of those “Dream Matches That Never Happened.” Bob Holly tries to butt in on their party, perfectly symbolizing Holly’s endless attempts to burst into the main event bubble over the years. Austin…sorry, I mean, Ringmaster and Holly exchange elimination attempts, until a knee in the back finally eliminates Bob, ending his near 40-minute run. Shawn again teases elimination at the hands of Owen.

#25. Barry Horowitz
In the summer of 1995, the WWF decided to give perennial jobber Horowitz a push, leading to a fun feud with Skip, which was fine, and then a teaming which sunk Hakushi’s career, which was less fine. Barry locks up with Diesel right away, which is certainly, uh, ambitious. In a change of pace, Owen teases elimination by Shawn. HHH and the Ringmaster pair off in a corner, foreshadowing YEARS of WWF main events. HHH then works over Diesel a bit, and Diesel responds by launching him to the floor with ease. HHH sets the record for this Rumble: 48 minutes. Crowd pops a little, but still doesn’t care all that much.

#26. Fatu
I can not improve on the immortal KJP’s analysis of Fatu’s new character, so I will merely quote it verbatim: “Surprise, surprise, Fatu is apparently not, after all, a native of the Polynesian Islands who speaks no English and can't tell the difference between a stick deodorant and a popsicle, but is in fact a native of the San Fransisco 'hood. In a series of short films Fatu is going to tell us all about his formative years growing up in a family so poor they couldn't even afford a surname.” Man, I miss that KJP. Anyone know what happened to Mr. Podsiadlik? Fatu starts pounding away on peeps, not making much impact. Things are slowing down a bit at this point, only punctuated by Owen and Shawn trading elimination attempts.

#27. Issac Yankem, D.D.S.
Yes, Issac is YOUR Wrestling Dentist. Big guy, too: about six foot 10 or so, 300 pounds, and pretty good agility for a big man. Why, he could even be the Undertaker’s brother! (For our home audience, the password is, “Yes, That’s Kane.”) Yankem beats on Diesel, foreshadowing the next gimmick that stands between himself and stardom. We’ll deal with that phase of his career soon enough. Owen backdrops Horowitz out, then hits Shawn with the Killer Enzuigiri of Doom. Owen then tries to toss Shawn, but Diesel sneaks up and tosses Owen instead, which the announcers completely miss because they’re watching a Double Feature of the kick. The WWF was really WAY too replay-happy at this point. Austin…darn it, THE RINGMASTER nails Shawn with a clothesline, foreshadowing the WrestleMania main event in just two years’ time.

#28. Marty Jannetty
I think this was Marty’s 4th chance at a WWF return, which, like all the ones previous and all the ones that would follow, sadly just didn’t work out. This one would last a while, though, and include starting the New Rockers tag team with a guy named Leif Cassidy, who would go onto greater fame once he got a little Head. Shawn now teases elimination at the hands of Fatu. Ringmaster again pummels Diesel. Shawn and Marty, of course, pair off to a big reaction.

#29. The British Bulldog
The Bulldog was turned heel, apparently for a feud with Lex Luger which never happened, because as soon as he did the turn Luger bolted for WCW. He did get a few world title shots out of it, though, including a great match with Bret the month before. He goes right after Shawn, perhaps in payback for the previous year’s debacle. Jannetty quickly gets tossed by the Bulldog. The Ringmaster gets eliminated by Fatu and the announcers don’t even notice. Eh, don’t worry, his day will come. VERY soon. Fatu then gets clotheslined by Kama and tries to do his 360 spinning sell, but he doesn’t hit it right and kinda lands on his head. OW. Yankem tosses Fatu, possibly to cover the injury. It’s kinda neat how a lot of the guys in there at this late stage of the Rumble ended up playing a big role in the WWF in the years to come, though most in wildly different gimmicks than they had here.

#30. Duke “the Dumpster” Droese
Well, not all of them can be greats. Shawn and Bulldog head through the ropes to the floor and brawl out there for a bit until Owen comes back out to help the Bulldog beat on Shawn a bit. Set up for their match the next month at IYH, that’s all. Back inside, the Bulldog presses Shawn but he gets saved by Diesel. Dropkick by Shawn eliminates Yankem. Kama and Diesel both eliminate the Dumpster, which means we already have…

The Final Four: Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Kama and The British Bulldog
We pair off, Diesel/Kama, Shawn/Bulldog. Shawn gets tossed to the apron by the Bulldog, but slides in and eliminates the Dog with a clothesline. A big shot by Kama almost eliminates Shawn, but he hangs in there. Diesel simply pushes Kama over the top to eliminate him, then immediately turns into a superkick from Shawn, and he goes over the top to the floor to give Shawn the Rumble win for the second year in a row. Wow, we wrapped that one up pretty quickly, didn’t we? Shawn celebrates with a striptease (that was kind of his shtick, and I have no idea why he ever thought this was a good idea), and Diesel comes in to tease hitting him, but instead offering a high five in congratulations. Nash would be turned heel before WrestleMania anyway. Not a great Rumble, but certainly a vast improvement over the previous year.

WWF Title Match: The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. Bret “Hitman” Hart (champion)
No Feud in Review or anything, we just get right to it. I think they cut out a merchandise plug here or something for obvious reasons. Taker runs into the slow-to-leave Diesel in the aisle, and they exchange blows ‘cuz Diesel had wanted the title shot at this show. This all was a big set-up for Taker/Diesel at WrestleMania, the outcome of which was in doubt until it was announced that Nash had signed with WCW, which meant the world knew the Taker was going to win. We’re back to normal urn size for Paul at this point. And the Taker was wearing a Phantom-of-the-Opera-esque mask on his face, which was to protect his injured eye socket (Mabel had literally crushed it with an errant punch during their feud). Nevertheless, the new gear set tongues-a-wagging about who was the “new guy playing the Undertaker,” though, much like the dozens of “Ultimate Warrior is dead” rumors, this too was false. Bret was in his third reign as champion at this point, though he sadly was seen as little more than a transitional champion, as the belt was about to be welded to Shawn Michaels’s waist at WrestleMania. Bret plays “Avoid the Taker” to start. A few punches by Bret go no-sold, a few punches by the Taker don’t. Taker starts to slowly dominate with chokes and stuff. Like punches. And eye gouges. You know, stuff. The pace isn’t exactly blistering, here. We’re a few minutes in and Bret has had virtually no offense. Clawhold kills a little more time. Make that a LOT more time. Come on, guys, I’ve seen you put on WAY better matches than this. Bret hooks the ropes to break the hold, finally. Old School Ropewalk by the Taker. And BACK to the Claw. Come on, pick up the pace, this is dragging more than a tractor pull. The temptation is to say that the Taker is dogging it here, but I’m not exactly seeing Bret put forth his best effort, either. A boot in the corner FINALLY gives Bret an opening, and he starts pouring it on, including clotheslining the Taker to the floor and following him with a tope. Whoa, Bret, what, did the Motivation Fairy suddenly appear or something? Bret then dives right into the Taker’s arms and gets run right into the post. Bret responds in kind, slipping out of another attempt and tossing the Taker to the post himself, but he walks into a big boot. Taker beats on Bret for a while, but Bret reverses a whip and sends the Taker into the steps knees-first, which is all the opening he needs, and he swarms on the knee like bees on honey. Um, I think. Do bees get attracted by honey? Maybe it’s pollen. Yeah, that’d be better. Replace that sentence with “Bret swarms on the knee like bees on pollen.” Except that you need more than one for a swarm. Last I checked, there’s only one Bret Hart in this match. Okay, change that again: “Bret is on the knee like bees on pollen.” There, that’s better. As my undivided attention to the match attests to, the Motivation Fairy’s visit is pretty much over and we’re back to being pretty dull. Bret works the knee for a while, though not with the ferocity he usually demonstrates, and thus not with the entertainment value he usually delivers. He also teases going for the mask a few times. Figure Four by Bret, which we hang in for a while until the Taker turns it over, and Bret grabs the ropes. Bret is right back on the knee. More knee work. We really need to start varying it up, here, this match has been at two paces so far: slow and slower. Bret again goes for the mask. AAAAAAND…back to the knee. This is like anti-psychology - instead of using the knee work to add a dimension to the match, we are using it as a substitute for having a match at all. Taker finally gets out of a hold and goes back on offense, selling the knee the whole time. “Taker doesn’t sell,” my *ss, Mr. Keith. To the floor we go for more brawling, including Bret getting tossed to the steps. And choked by a cable. And tossed to the timekeeper’s table. And hit with a chair. My calling this segment a “brawl” is a little misguided, methinks, as usually both guys land blows in a brawl. Back in and the Taker dominates again, but then misses a big boot and back to the knee we go. Bret posts the knee, just for variety. What an odd match these two are putting on, I’ve seen these guys put on better shows with their eyes closed. Both guys back up, and the Taker takes over for no particular reason. More slow domination by the Dead Man, who is still limping. Taker goes for a Tombstone but Bret slips out. Bret hits a DDT for two, which FINALLY pops the crowd. Bret starts hitting move after move, with the Taker Sitting Up every time. It’s like we are executing the moves necessary to be having a good match, if only we were moving about twice as fast. Bret goes for the Sharpshooter, but the Taker blocks it with a choke. Double clothesline and both guys are out. Bret gets up and takes off a turnbuckle before trying to take off the mask again, finally succeeding. This accomplishes two things: one, it proves to the naysayers that Mark Calloway is STILL playing the Taker, and two, it marks the end of the Masked Era, as it will never be seen again after this. Bret continues on the offensive, ramming the Taker to the exposed corner and drawing boos. Bret hits a few more shots but suddenly gets caught and Tombstoned. 1, 2...and Diesel runs in to pull the referee out. After last year’s “We Won’t DQ for ANYTHING” debacle, it’s a little odd that this would be the finish, as the ref calls for the bell and DQs Bret, giving the win to the Taker, but not the title. Man, that match just did NOT click. Just really long and dull, and the finish came completely out of nowhere. Diesel flips the Taker off in what was a shocking moment in the era before Austin was doing it weekly.

And NOW…it’s not just the Royal Rumble, it’s Royal Rumble Plus! Just a fancy name for the post-game show.

To Pettengill with President Monsoon, who announces Bret vs. Diesel for the next IYH.

To Dok Hendrix, with a celebrating Shawn Michaels. Shawn makes a veiled reference to “dinosaurs” and things “running wild,” and I have NO idea who he could be talking about, do you?

And back to Todd and Gorilla, who talk rather aimlessly for a while, until the Taker comes in to protest and vow that Diesel will never be champion again. Gorilla decides to make Bret/Diesel a steel cage match, too, so Taker cannot interfere. But he would find a way. Oh, yes, he would find a way.

To Dok with Diesel. The now-typical Kevin Nash interview, though it was pretty revolutionary at the time, and you can never deny that the big man can talk. He even steals the “you may not like it” line from Ric Flair.

To Todd with Cornette and Vader. Which is to say, Cornette talks and Vader tosses chairs around in anger.

And your post-Rumble music video wraps things up.

THOUGHTS:
While the Rumble itself is a big improvement over the previous year, there are some test patterns which would be an improvement over the 1995 Rumble, so that’s not exactly high praise. And the rest of the card is pretty dull and/or insulting. This is a historically significant Rumble given all the future stars who made their debut (Austin, HHH, Kane, Goldust, etc.), but it’s certainly not a great show by any means. But again, an excellent DVD production, with no noticeable music changes, and the “WWF” edits not too galling at all.

Up next: Rumble ‘97! San Antonio! Over 60,000 fans! Some of whom actually paid to get in!