Royal Rumble '94

(Sorry for the delay in posting ANYTHING - life kinda got nuts there for a while. More stuff soon, I promise!)

So, the big sumo guy won Rumble ‘93, and won the world title at WrestleMania in one of the shortest and most underwhelming WWF title changes ever, climaxed by That Hulk Hogan Guy coming out and winning the title from him, like, 2 minutes later.

No, I’m being dead serious.

This, how you say, put a LITTLE bit of a damper on the WWF’s supposed efforts to launch a “new generation,” led by Bret Hart, although Hogan supposedly agreed to put Hart over in a match at SummerSlam. Well, I was at that SummerSlam, and I can personally attest to the fact that there wasn’t any match where Hulk Hogan lost to Bret Hart. There wasn’t any match with Hulk Hogan, period. There was a match where Bret lost to Jerry Lawler, though.

Once again, I’m being dead serious.

No, Hogan apparently balked at putting over a “little guy” like Bret, leading to Hogan instead dropping the belt right back to Yokozuna at King of the Ring ‘93. Hogan was quickly ushered out of the company after that. Instead of having Bret defeat Yoko for the belt at SummerSlam, however, the WWF then decided to switch gears and abruptly turn new arrival Lex Luger face, followed by pushing HIM to the main event of SummerSlam, where he beat Yokozuna…by count-out, which meant Yoko kept the title.

Hand to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I’m being DEAD serious.

So Yoko held the title the remainder of the year, running roughshod over the company and becoming the first monster heel to hold the title for any appreciable length of time since “Superstar” Billy Graham. Luger had blown his “one title shot” by winning via count-out, and Bret was busy with his mid-card feud with the King. This left the role of challenger empty, until the Undertaker stepped up by year’s end. Taker started pursuing Yoko to monster fan reaction. A casket match was scheduled for the Royal Rumble, making the apparent title switch a mere formality.

Except, it wasn’t. In fact, the WWF had other ideas. And I swear to you, as you read the following, I am still D-E-A-D serious. The following actually occurred on PPV. I am utterly sober as I write this. If anyone was on drugs, it was the bookers.

Royal Rumble 1994
Providence, Rhode Island
1/22/1994

They overdub the theme song again, though this year they’re overdubbing a different theme than they had been the past few years. I dunno, beats me.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, who runs down the card before introducing his color commentator…”The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase, whose career had ended not long before due to a neck injury. This was basically his only show as color man before he got phased into a role as a heel manager.

Tatanka vs. Bam Bam Bigelow (w/ Luna Vachon)
Tatanka was no longer the Undefeated Native American, as he had been pinned by Ludvig Borga a few weeks prior to this. In fact, this match was originally scheduled to be Borga/Tatanka, but Vince claims Borga suffered an ankle injury, and so now Bammer’s doing double duty. (Actually, TRIPLE duty, as you will soon see.) There’s actually a bit of symmetry here, as Bam Bam was who Tatanka had been feuding with BEFORE Borga, and they never actually blew off their feud, so it kinda works out. This crowd is damn hot, with big cheers for Tatanka and big boos for Bammer. Luna was introduced the year before at WrestleMania and got attached to Bammer just a couple months later. Slugfest early on, with Tatanka dominating. Tatanka heads up top for an early high risk move, but crashes and burns and Bammer takes over. Tatanka quickly comes back and tries a top rope sunset flip, which, when you’re facing a guy who is near 400 pounds, I think we can all agree, is not the brightest of moves. And look, Bammer just sits down, and that puts him right back in control. Tatanka doesn’t really look all that different from what he did when he made his comeback last year, which is probably why he got the chance, though he never actually got USED or anything. I think he got a tag title shot with Matt Hardy, who at that point was so firmly in the WWE doghouse that he might as well have worn a flea collar. Bam Bam hits a dropkick…well, I’m being rather generous to say he “hit” it. More like he jumped in the air and both his feet grazed the air on either side of Tatanka’s head and he went down anyway. Bammer locks on a bear hug (he must have really liked that resthold). Turns out TATANKA is in the Rumble, too, which means we are now in the lean years where we were really scrapping for warm bodies to fill the 30 slots. We were a couple of years away from booking Dick Murdoch for it, though. Tatanka of course keeps his arm up on the third drop and chops out of the hold, but a Bammer shoulderblock ends that little comeback. Impressive power slam by Tatanka gets two. Double knockout spot followed by Bammer tossing Tatanka’s head into the turnbuckle, but he starts the Blatantly Stereotypical War Dance…so Bammer just hits an enzuigiri and stops it. Heh. Bam Bam heads up for the moonsault but misses, and Tatanka heads up and hits a high cross body for the three count. Decent opener that riled up the crowd, just like an opener should.

Feud In Review: The Harts/Quebecers. There really isn’t much of a feud between the two teams, as it’s really just an excuse to set up the Owen/Bret situation. Owen accidentally knocked Bret off the apron at the Survivor Series, which led to Owen’s elimination from the match. Once it was over, Owen came back out to complain. Two weeks later, Vince “Sh*t Stirrer” McMahon interviews Owen, leading to Owen challenging Bret to a match. Bret doesn’t wanna fight his brother, so no go. They “reconcile” and team up to go after the Quebecers’ tag team titles at the Rumble. Meantime, the Quebecers lose the titles to the 1-2-3 Kid and Marty Jannetty, but it’s all good, as neither the Kid nor Jannetty can hold onto a title to save their lives at this point, so the Quebecers win them back at a house show a week later and the title match is back on. What is with Jacques Rougeau winning titles at un-televised shows a week before the Rumble, anyway?

Todd Pettengill (shh…listen…hear that? That’s the shuddering spines of thousands of wrestling fans at the mere mention of that name) interviews the Harts pre-match. Owen, BTW, has switched to the singlet he would wear for the rest of his career. They’re gonna win the titles and make their parents proud, etc.

WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Quebecers (champions) (w/ Johnny Polo) vs. The Hart Brothers
Oh, mighty Quebecers theme music, how you enrich my soul. Okay, so after the “French Horn” phase of the Mountie’s musical career was over, he switched to a wonderfully corny theme with lyrics like, “I’m the Mountie! I’m handsome, I’m brave and I’m strong!” Then, Jacques left the company for a while, only to return as half of the tag team The Quebecers with Pierre Ouellet. They both wore the same Mountie outfits Jacques had worn before, only now the theme song said, “We’re not the Mounties! But we’re handsome, we’re brave and we’re strong!” Classic. And let’s ADD to the weirdness - their manager is a spoiled rich kid who wears Hawaiian shirts, short pants with knee-high socks and a wide-brimmed hat. His name is Johnny Polo. If, at the time, I had told you that this annoying character would, in less than two years time, be completely transformed into one of the hardest of hardcore wrestlers in the world, you’d think me completely nuts. But upon leaving the WWF, Johnny took a trip to Philadelphia, started wearing leather jackets and jeans shorts, and got in touch with his inner manipulative-slacker-who-likes-to-quote-Edgar-Allen-Poe. Yes, that’s Raven. This is a weird world. Big, huge pop for the Harts. Vince, naturally, totally believes the Harts’ troubles are over, and Ted, naturally, doesn’t. DiBiase rubs the salt in the wound by calling Owen “the Shadow.” And keeping with the “we need warm bodies” Rumble theme, both Bret AND Owen are scheduled to be in the Rumble. The Harts take control early on Pierre, who is more of a power wrestler than Jacques. Now the announcers are just making up history, claiming DiBiase has been in every Rumble match ever, though he wasn’t in the first one or in 1991’s. But I’m a huge geek, so I know that kind of stuff. Jacques comes in and has little more luck. The Harts even hit the old Demolition Decapitation on him. Bret goes for a bunch of pins on Jacques, climaxed by Pierre coming in and nailing him to stop it. Hell Breaks Loose early, but the Harts diffuse it quickly, and the Quebecers head to the floor to regroup. Bret starts controlling BOTH Quebecers once they get back in. Bret and Owen start working over Jacques. The storyline is pretty clear: When they’re on the same page, the Harts can’t be beat. Pierre finally nails a powerslam on Bret to take control. Quebecers work on Face-In-Trouble Bret for a while until Pierre hits a devastating Flying Chindrop to Bret’s Boot, leading to an early Race to Tag…Tag to Owen, House Afire. Owen locks a Sharpshooter on Jacques, but Pierre bulldogs Owen to break it up while the ref is escorting Bret out. Now Owen’s Face in Trouble, until he nails a Double Dropkick to tag in Bret. Bret beats on both Quebecers for a while, then Owen holds Jacques so Bret can nail him…but Polo holds the ropes open and Bret spills to the floor, hurting his knee in the process. The Quebecers, naturally, start swarming on the knee like locusts on the floor, with Owen trying to help but only leading to the referee not seeing what the Quebecers are doing. Owen literally throws Bret back into the ring himself. The Quebecers continue to work over the knee back inside, with the announcers stressing how he needs to tag Owen. Bret keeps getting momentary comebacks that quickly get squashed by the Quebecers. They go for their finisher (The Tower of…something…Pierre does a top-rope senton while Jacques holds his hands), but Bret rolls out of the way. Instead of tagging Owen, Bret tries to put the Sharpshooter on Pierre as he’s prone, but collapses as he tries to stand. The referee calls for the bell, stopping the match because of Bret’s injury, which means the Quebecers retain the titles. A really good tag match, which gains importance because of what it means in storyline in just a second. Owen confronts Bret about what happened, repeating over and over that all he had to do was tag him. Bret struggles to his feet and tries to calm him down. Owen responds by kicking Bret’s leg, sending him back to the mat. HUGE heel heat for that. Owen heads to the back alone (ranting at the camera the whole time) as referees and officials help Bret out. Interviewer Raymond Rougeau tries to get a word on Bret’s condition in the ring, and there’s no definitive word on whether or not he’ll even be able to be in the Rumble. This ignited the feud that would carry the WWF through most of 1994, turning in several classic matches before it was through and forever making the career of Owen Hart in the process. But there would be a slight stumbling block…

To Pettengill with Owen, who gives a really passionate whiny interview about how selfish Bret is and how it cost them the titles, and that’s why he kicked his leg. But what he says is, “that’s why I kicked your leg out of your leg.” It’s a really weak finish to a really good interview to set up the character. I bring this up to point out that here, a newly-minted major character kinda stumbles in his first big interview, and we just ignored it, moved on and made a ton of money from the angle, and Owen proved worthy of his chance. Matt Hardy, in a similar position two years ago, also stumbled in his first major interview, and that has been used as evidence ever since that he cannot be trusted with a main event spot and has been held down ever since. Hypocrisy or wrong-headedness? You make the call…

To Vince and Ted, where Ted applauds Owen’s change of attitude.

Intercontinental Title Match: Irwin R. Schyster vs. Razor Ramon (champion)
IRS didn’t really have theme music at this point, he just came down to ringside with a microphone and ranted at how everyone in the crowd was a tax cheat. As you can expect, this got him a fair amount of heat. Razor had been turned babyface the previous summer and quickly became one of the hottest characters in the company, winning the vacant IC title on Raw in the fall, which was made vacant when then-IC champ Shawn Michaels briefly left the company due to a contract dispute. Razor immediately started feuding with IRS over the belt (the storyline being that Irwin had “repossessed” his jewelry), but then Shawn resigned with the company and started showing up carrying his own copy of the IC title - meaning the one he owned when he was stripped of it - and claimed he was the TRUE IC champ. So Razor’s dance card was a little full at the time of this match. Jim Ross and Gorilla Monsoon, who were now the official “B” announcing team, take over for this match, mainly as a grace note to get them briefly on television, as they had been calling the show for Radio WWF the rest of the night. Ah, Radio WWF, another in the long line of Vince McMahon Ideas That Didn’t Work That We Just Ignore Because Our Official Position Is That Vince McMahon Is A Genius. Slugfest right away, and of course Razor wins that easily. IRS bails out. Ramon improved by about ten times as a worker when he turned face. Razor again slugs IRS down, and Irwin bails to the floor once again. More dominance by Razor once he re-enters, until Irwin tosses Razor over the top to take control. Rotunda was a simply great worker, as evidenced by the fact that he somehow made a goofy gimmick like IRS work. IRS goes for a Chindrop to Razor’s Boot, but in a moment of brilliance, stops himself before he hits it and drops an elbow on Razor instead. It’s that kind of stuff - not falling for the usual heel mistakes - that really gets a heel over as smart. Samoa Joe does it to great effect all the time nowadays. Irwin continues to dominate, with a few near falls, and an old school “heel puts his feet on the ropes” spot to keep the crowd into it. Razor slugs away to come back. Man, Razor’s punches were second to none. Whip gets reversed and the ref gets knocked out. IRS goes for his briefcase, but Razor ducks it and hits IRS with it himself. Cover, but of course there’s no ref. IRS gets hit with a back suplex off the top, then Razor goes for the Razor’s Edge…but here comes Shawn Michaels to waffle Razor in the back with his IC title belt. Shawn retreats to the back and Irwin covers Razor, 1, 2, 3. IRS celebrates with the IC title belt…that Shawn brought down with him. Oops. Because, in comes a second referee to tell the first what happened, and show that there are, in fact, two title belts at ringside. Razor quickly grabs IRS off the ropes and gives him the Razor’s Edge, and the referee signals that he’s changed his mind by counting the pin for Razor to retain. Really good match that ended the Schyster feud and turned up the heat on the Michaels one, which would climax at WrestleMania in some gimmick match…what is it, a Ladder Match or something? Eh, probably won’t be that great.

Feud In Review: Undertaker/Yokozuna. Well, it’s not really a Feud In Review, more of a Undertaker-Ranting-At-Yokozuna-While-Building-A-Casket In Review. See, Yoko had been an unstoppable monster as WWF champion for most of the year, but when he finally faced the Undertaker at the Survivor Series, Yoko got his *ss handed to him and ran away terrified. So Taker gets a title match at the Royal Rumble, in a Casket Match, and we get a ton of vignettes of him building the “double-deep, double-wide” coffin for Yoko. Funny moment: Taker wishing Yoko a merry Christmas and then saying, “Ho…Ho…Ho.”

WWF Title Match, Casket Match: Yokozuna (w/ Mr. Fuji & Jim Cornette) (champion) vs. The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer)
If you want to know the point of origin of pretty much all of the ultra-silly cr*p that has been inflicted on the Undertaker character over the years…it’s right here. See, up until this point, the Dead Man had just been a tall, creepy guy that may or may not be a zombie. There had been no true supernatural elements ever introduced to the character’s aura. Sure, you had the “power of the urn” stuff, but that could have just been psychosomatic. Nothing truly ludicrous had happened. Until this night. Watch and learn.

After a year of looking supremely confident and utterly unstoppable, Yoko looks positively freaked out here. Cornette had been signed by the WWF over the summer and was quickly added to Yokozuna’s entourage as the “American Spokesperson,” which was shorthand for “we need someone to do Yoko’s interviews.” The pop for the Taker is simply unreal - once the “gong” hits, the roar of the crowd shakes the rafters. Yoko suddenly gains some guts and challenges the Taker in the middle of the ring, then tries to sneak attack him with a splash but misses, and Taker takes over early. Big flying clothesline takes Yoko down and out. Yoko sends Taker to the steps, and even that doesn’t phase him. Old School ropewalk by the Taker. Taker tries another clothesline but misses and spills to the floor again. Yoko grabs a chair (Casket Match = No DQ - remember that), but Taker quickly strips it from him and clobbers Yoko with it twice. Yoko tosses a handful of salt in Taker’s eyes to finally take control. Yoko tosses Taker to the steps and then nails him with the chair twice. Taker still struggles up, so Yoko tosses him to the steps a few more times. Back into the ring, Yoko still in control. “USA” chant, because the Taker may be a zombie from the underworld, but he’s an AMERICAN zombie, by god. Yoko tries to put Taker in the casket, but can’t get him all the way in and Taker comes back. They exchange blows in the middle of the ring, but Yoko stops it with a belly-to-belly…and the Taker sits up. Taker goozles Yoko and hits the chokeslam, then a HUGE running DDT puts him down for good. Taker rolls Yoko into the casket…

NOTE: Up to this point, we’ve had a good, high-impact brawl with amazing crowd heat. Nothing earth-shattering, but good. But, from this point on, it goes downhill - slowly at first, and then like a alpine skier hitting a cliff.

So, Taker has Yoko in the casket, and goes to shut the lid…and here comes Crush, Yoko’s stable-mate under Fuji. Crush nails the Taker and saves Yoko from defeat, but Taker dispatches Crush and goes to shut the lid again…and here come Tenryu (who had been brought in as a “hired assassin” by Fuji) and the Great Kabuki (ditto), to stop him. Taker dispatches of them, too, then goes to…well, here comes Bam Bam Bigelow. All four of them start ganging up on Taker. Yoko’s still unconscious in the casket. Somewhere in the fray, Fuji and Cornette swipe the urn from Paul Bearer, which I guess explains why the heels are actually winning. Yoko finally wakes up and crawls out of the casket as Paul finally shows some gumption and nails both Fuji and Cornette to take the urn back. The Power of the Urn restored, the Taker finally starts fighting back, even with it 5 against 1. The crowd goes nuts for every Undertaker comeback. And here’s Adam Bomb (we’ll cover him in the Rumble) making it SIX-on-one. Bam Bam tries to hit Taker with the bucket, but Taker ducks and hits everyone else with it instead. And here’s “Double J” Jeff Jarrett coming in, making it SEVEN-on-one. Then here come the Headshrinkers and it’s NINE-on-one. That FINALLY puts the Taker down…until he sits up and starts wailing away on everyone again. The crowd chants for Lex Luger to come and help him, which is quite possibly the only crowd in wrestling history to chant for Lex Luger for ANYTHING, but no go. In comes Diesel to make it TEN versus ONE. They successfully pound the Taker down and toss him into the casket…but before they can shut it, the Taker opens the lid and comes back AGAIN. The crowd once again goes nuts.

NOTE: Okay, we are now getting a little silly, as not even ten of the supposedly-toughest heels in the WWF can keep one guy down, but he HAS been built up as an unbeatable superman for the past four years. Still, we have not truly hit Ludicrous Speed just yet…but oh, what’s that up ahead? Could it be a cliff? A cliff of insanity?

Taker fights back in and the heels all swarm on the Taker yet again. Paul Bearer is on the apron for some reason, and Yokozuna finally takes a physical role once again in his own WWF title match by nailing Bearer and stealing the urn. He nails the Taker with it, and opens it up…and green smoke escapes from the top. Vince McMahon, that master of the supernatural that he is, immediately identifies what is happening: “It appears the power of the urn is escaping!” Um, yeah. So, suddenly, the Undertaker is totally lifeless, and all the heels hit moves on him at will. Suplex by Crush. Fistdrop by Jarrett. Elbow by Diesel. Headbutt by Bam Bam. Splashes by both Headshrinkers. And then, finally, they drag Taker over to the casket, where Yoko casually kicks him in. They slam the lid and lock it, making Yoko the winner. The crowd is stunned.

NOTE: Now wait, you say, that may be more than a bit over the top, but it’s not completely ridiculous or anything yet…oh, we haven’t finished with the post-match shenanigans, my friends. Just hold on.

So the heels start dragging the casket up the aisle toward the back…and the gong sounds. The same green smoke starts pouring out of the casket. Another gong and the lights go out. Another gong and an image of the Undertaker laying in the casket appears on the video wall above the entrance. Another gong and the Taker opens his eyes on the screen and starts delivering a monologue about how the Spirit of the Undertaker lives in the soul of all mankind, and soon everyone will witness his re-birth. “I…will not rest…in peace.” Then, we hear thunder, and the image on the video wall starts to flicker, like it was a fluorescent light tube that is about to burn out. Then the image of the casket explodes, leaving a negative image of the Undertaker on the screen. Then, the image rises to the top of the screen, and “the Undertaker” appears above the video wall and “ascends into heaven,” floating up and out of the arena (with the cables clearly visible in a few of the shots). We cut back to the floor, all the heels have disappeared and Paul Bearer (who once again has the urn) pushes the casket out of the arena.

I love the Undertaker character. And as a kid, I loved this bit. But knowing now what I do, I really, REALLY wish they had never done it. Not only was it totally insulting, but it also lead to YEARS of supernatural cr*p clogging up WWF television shows and ruining the credibility of its storytelling. I mean, we have a guy on the roster who routinely comes back from the dead, how are you ever supposed to top that? I mean, yes, the Taker had a back injury that needed to heal, and so we had to take him off the show for a while (he wouldn’t reappear until SummerSlam), but what was wrong with an old-fashioned injury angle? From this point on, it became about ever-escalating trickery for the Dead Man. I’m not saying that this kind of thing can never be done - they have reached a decent point now where the character’s supernatural elements are only tapped occasionally and are tempered by the solid veteran worker who works his *ss off every time out. But for a while there, the character was in danger of being overwhelmed by its gimmicks. For better or worse, the Undertaker character would never be the same after this night.

To the announcers, who express disbelief - very briefly, indicating something got cut out here.

The Royal Rumble
Now, let us pause a second here to consider the logic of this. We’ve just depicted a scenario where, for the first time in recorded history, a documented supernatural event has occurred before thousands of witnesses and millions of viewers on pay-per-view. So, what happens then? Do we call in some scientists to verify the event? Alert the media? Stop everything until we can figure out just what the heck happened? Nope, it’s ON WITH THE REST OF THE SHOW! And WWE wonders why no one ever takes them seriously as storytellers. BTW, due to “time constraints,” the Rumble’s interval is reduced for the first time ever down to 90 seconds. That, we can live with. It’s when they cut it down even MORE next year that it all goes haywire.

First Two Entrants: #1. Scott Steiner, #2. Samu of the Headshrinkers
The Steiners were in the tail end of their WWF run at this point, and never made another PPV appearance after this. The Headshrinkers, on the other hand, would be turned face and given a tag title reign within the year, before Samu left the company and got replaced by Sione, the former Barbarian. Slugfest right away with Samu dominating. The crowd isn’t reacting too much, probably still burnt out by the Undertaker bit. Steiner comes back and tries an elimination, but Samu comes back and tries to get Scott out himself…

#3. Rick Steiner
Rick seems pretty nonchalant for a guy whose brother is on the verge of elimination. He gets there in time to save him, though, and then they double team Samu for pretty much the whole of the 90 seconds. Both the Steiners seem pretty nonplussed about being in this thing. Samu goes for a clothesline and ends up hanging himself in the ropes, and works at untying himself…

#4. Kwang
Evil masked ninja, who of course is not really Asian. He is, in fact, the Artist Soon-to-Be-Known as Savio Vega, in his first WWF run. After Samu extracts his head from the ropes, Scott casually pushes him off the apron to eliminate him. Before the Steiners get into it against each other, in comes Kwang to spray EVIL GREEN MIST into Rick’s eyes. That basically makes it Scott vs. Kwang with Rick selling the mist on the mat.

#5. Owen Hart
Huge heel pop for Owen. He goes right after the helpless Rick Steiner as Scott and Kwang keep at it on the far side. Owen easily dumps Rick out, to more boos. Kwang and Owen team up on Scott…

#6. Bart Gunn
Half of the Smoking Gunns tag team, as we are beginning to enter that era where, as WrestleCrap.com pointed out, most every midcarder had a part-time job of some sort. Here, we had the wrestling rodeo cowboys. His partner, Billy, would naturally go onto much more fame than Bart, who nowadays is mostly known for having his head knocked off his shoulders by Butterbean at WrestleMania XV. Bart works over Owen, making it a tag team match. Steiner tries to eliminate Kwang and Owen works on Bart. Vince starts talking about something happening in the back, and they’re sending their cameras back. It apparently takes quite a while for them to actually get the footage to the truck, though.

#7. Diesel
And so begins one of the more famous runs in a Rumble ever. Diesel begins pounding on everyone. Diesel tosses Bart fairly easily. And then Scott Steiner, equally easily. And then Owen, to huge cheers. And then, finally, Kwang, and Diesel’s alone in the ring. The cheers are still huge as the countdown comes up.

#8. Bob Backlund
Backlund goes for the leg to take Diesel down, and has him off balance on the ropes for a second, but a shot to the eye stops it. A few big shots and out goes Backlund. Yep, after lasting 61 minutes the year before, this year he doesn’t even last 61 seconds. Luckily, Bob’s heel turn would save his career within the year. Diesel’s alone again and waits for his next opponent.

#9. Billy Gunn
Billy hits a couple punches, then eats a big boot and gets tossed. He barely lasted ten seconds. Diesel’s now at six eliminations. We FINALLY get footage from the back of Tenryu and Kabuki, Fuji’s “hired assassins,” beating up Lex Luger. So now the announcers are officially writing off both Luger AND Bret for the Rumble.

#10. Virgil
DiBiase, naturally, says he’s really going to enjoy this. Virgil hits a couple quick punches and tries to give it a go, but a few hard forearms are all it takes and Diesel easily tosses him, too. Diesel’s now up to SEVEN eliminations in a row. This was the Rumble performance that got Kevin Nash over, and within a year he was WWF champion. So you have THIS match to thank for Nash’s continuing influence on the wrestling world. Yeah.

#11. “Macho Man” Randy Savage
You know, I THINK Savage will last longer. Oddly enough, if I remember correctly, they cut to a different camera angle when Savage comes out than they did in the original release - instead of a shot of the entranceway we cut to a shot of Diesel in the ring. For what reason, I have no idea. Savage works over Diesel right away, doing better than anyone has in the past ten minutes. Savage tries to eliminate him, with no luck.

#12. “Double J” Jeff Jarrett
Okay, so Jarrett’s first gimmick was that he was planning to use the WWF as a stepping stone to stardom in Nashville as a singer. Uh-huh. Oh, and he had the Amazing Multi-Suspendered Tights at this point. Jarrett jumps on Savage, giving Diesel a rest. Jarrett tosses Savage over the top, but he doesn’t hit the floor, and Jarrett violates Rumble Rule #1 by gloating about eliminating Savage, which allows Savage to nail Jarrett from behind and eliminate him. Back to Savage/Diesel.

#13. Crush
If his participation in the Undertaker debacle wasn’t hint enough, Crush was a heel by now, and in fact had a pretty bitter feud going with Savage, as evidenced by the way they go at each other immediately as soon as Crush hits the ring. Savage starts dominating Crush until Diesel gets back into the fray and they begin teaming up on him.

#14. Doink the Clown
Ahh, Doink. How do I describe this little era of WWF history? Doink started out as a deranged evil clown who would do things like make balloon animals for kids and then pop them. The gimmick was actually pretty good at that point. And then multiple guys dressed like Doink started showing up during shows. Then it got less good. Then he turned face and started hanging around with a midget version of himself named Dink. Then boy oh boy did it start to suck out loud. I won’t even get into all the different guys who have played Doink over the years. Sufficed to say, I have no idea who’s portraying him here. The crowd pops pretty big for Doink, tragically. Crush eliminates Savage surprisingly easily, then Diesel and Crush get into it as Doink slips in unnoticed. Doink squirts water in each of their eyes from his flower (yes, I’m serious) before going on the attack. Naturally, his offense doesn’t last long.

#15. Bam Bam Bigelow
Bammer was feuding with Doink at this point, so his fellow heels invite him in to beat on the clown for a bit. Bam Bam presses him to the floor, and he (obvious circus joke coming in 3...2...1...) flies through the air with the greatest of ease and is eliminated. This is uniquely booked Rumble so far, the way the heels are so easily dominating it. Crush and Diesel quickly team up on Bam Bam and try to eliminate him, but no luck. Everyone beats on everyone for a bit.

#16. Mabel of Men on a Mission
M.O.M. was our rapping tag team. Catchphrase, which the crowd chants right away: “Whoop, There It Is!” Wow, remember THAT phase of pop culture history? Mabel was the larger and more over member of the team, and would go on to become King Mabel and then, of course, Viscera. Man, of ALL the people in this Rumble, who would have guessed that MABEL would still be employed by the company 13+ years later? Mabel and Diesel get into it right away, with Mabel splashing him in the corner. Crush gets crushed, too. And Bam Bam. They finally start coming back on him a bit.

#17. Thurman “Sparky” Plugg
That name probably means nothing to most wrestling fans nowadays. He’s some skinny kid whose gimmick is that he’s a racecar driver. This is actually his WWF debut. We would quickly change his name when it became apparent that “Sparky” Plugg was just a little TOO gimmicky, and he became Bob “Spark Plug” Holly. And then, from there, Hardcore Holly. Again, of all the people, who’da thunk that SPARKY F’N PLUGG would still be around, especially since in all that interim time he has really NEVER been over. He doesn’t make much impact, not surprising given the beef in the ring. Everyone takes turns trying to eliminate everyone else.

#18. Shawn Michaels
Diesel came into the WWF as Shawn’s bodyguard, a role he was still performing at this point. So, naturally, when Shawn comes in he and Diesel have a bit of a faceoff, ending with the two of them shaking hands…which leads to everyone in the ring jumping Diesel from behind and tossing him out with Shawn’s help. Diesel gets quite an ovation on the way out and a loud “Diesel” chant. Again, the seed was planted, and by the next Rumble he would be WWF champion.

#19. Mo of Men on a Mission
Mo doesn’t do much, really, outside of nearly eliminating Michaels. Double team by MOM squashes Bam Bam. Michaels gets tossed out but grabs the rope and swings himself back in, foreshadowing next year’s winning moment.

#20. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine
Surprisingly big pop for the Hammer. Hammer goes to work on Bigelow. Plugg grabs Hammer and holds him for some really loud chops from Mabel. Yow. We all pair off again. Bammer avoids another splash by Mabel.

#21. Tatanka
Thankfully Tatanka has reapplied his war paint after his earlier match. Mabel holds Tatanka for a Shawn punch, but Tatanka ducks and Shawn cold-cocks Mabel in the process. Hammer has Shawn hanging in the corner, but no luck.

#22. The Great Kabuki
Boos for Kabuki after the role he played earlier on. Everyone decides to gang up on Mabel and they finally ease him out and eliminate him. Ten seconds later, Mo has Shawn upside down in the corner again, but he survives.

#23. Lex Luger
Lex apparently forgets who jumped him in the back and nails Shawn Michaels first, THEN starts working on Kabuki. Eh, who knows, maybe Shawn jumped him BEFORE Kabuki and Tenryu got to him, ever think of that? Anyway, Luger beats on Kabuki and tosses him, then goes back to work on Shawn. See? I think I have stumbled upon a Mystery Angle that no one in the WWF wanted us to know about. Maybe Shawn and Luger had a huge feud that the fans never knew, and only came out in group settings like the Rumble match! Or maybe it’s just an amazing coincidence. Luger beats on everyone for a bit, but eliminates no one else.

#24. Tenryu
Vince: “You can bet that we’ll see Tenryu, Kabuki and Crush team up on Lex Luger, there’s no doubt about that!” Well, seeing as how Kabuki just got eliminated, I’d say there’s SOME doubt. Tenryu, showing more focus than Luger, goes right after him, and Luger and Tenryu go at it for the majority of the 90 seconds. Tatanka has Michaels in trouble AGAIN, but he doesn’t go.

#25.
No one comes out for the second time in WWF history, and the announcers say that this must have been Bret Hart’s number. Shawn has Lex up in the corner, showcasing Luger’s disturbingly small tights.

#26. “The Model” Rick Martel
The former record holder goes right after Mo. Ah, Ricky again showing his trademark ambition by going after the biggest names out there. Too bad Virgil still isn’t in this thing or it would be ON. Ring’s getting kinda crowded at this point. Tatanka and Luger exchange blows in the middle to try and pop the crowd, but no luck.

#27. Bret “Hitman” Hart
Nearly two hours later and Bret is STILL selling the pain in his knee. Now THAT’s a professional. Big pop for him, naturally. Crush jumps on Bret right away and starts pounding the knee. Sparky jumps in to help Bret. Who woulda guessed that Sparky would get such a long run in this Rumble? Martel has Michaels upside down AGAIN, but he survives again. These Rumbles so often turn into a Shawn Michaels demonstration of How Many Ways Someone Can Nearly Get Eliminated.

#28. Fatu of the Headshrinkers
Wow, polar opposites for the ‘Shrinkers in the drawing. Bret is lying down in the middle of the ring, and EVERYONE takes shots at the knee. Luger tries to toss Crush. Man, Bam Bam and Crush have hung in there, too. A big gang of people join Lex in trying to toss Crush, and Bret Hart lands his first offense of the Rumble by hammering on a few guys in the pile and helping to toss Crush out.

#29. Marty Jannetty
Shawn and Marty, naturally, go right at each other, drawing a huge pop from the crowd. Tenryu gets in the way for a bit, then Shawn goes for a superkick, but misses and Marty nails one of his own. A big punch and Shawn AGAIN goes over the top, but lands on the apron. Fatu has Bret up in the corner, but he doesn’t go.

#30. Adam Bomb
Bryan Clark in the early days as the WWF’s version of Nuclear Man. He would later go on to become Wrath in WCW, and then became, uh, Bryan Clark as half of the tag team Kronik with Bryan “Crush” Adams. Clark was always a pretty talented big man who never quite got the push he deserved, IMO. And here he gets to keep the #30 curse. Quite a bunch of people in there for the end - 13 in all. Shawn and Bret team up (oh, how ironic that would become) to eliminate Sparky. Good run for his first showing. They explain that the non-entrant was Bastion Booger, who “got a little sick.” Oh, how grateful I am that I don’t have to try and explain Bastion Booger. It could take a lifetime to try and explain THAT gimmick. Bret teases elimination at the hands of a few different people. Ditto Shawn. Major down-time here, nothing happening. The Model eliminates the Hammer to pick up the pace, and Greg gets a pretty good pop going back. The Model then gets eliminated by Tatanka. Adam Bomb misses a clothesline on Luger and goes out. And Fatu tosses Mo. Whoa, SOMEONE told them to start going home. Bam Bam gets revenge for the opening match by tossing Tatanka out. Bam Bam takes a charge at Lex in the corner, but Luger moves and Bammer does a Flair Flip and lands on the apron, where Luger clotheslines him to eliminate him. Bammer sets this Rumble’s record: 31 minutes. Jannetty tries to toss Shawn again, but the momentum is too great and HE goes to the floor instead. Luger and Bret team up to eliminate Tenryu. We have our…

Final Four: Shawn Michaels, Lex Luger, Bret “Hitman” Hart and Fatu of the Headshrinkers
“One of these things is not like the others…” Shawn, naturally, jumps on Bret, while Luger gets Fatu. Shawn nearly gets Bret out, and then Bret nearly gets Shawn out. Luger tries to nail Fatu in the head, as apparently he never learned Wrestling Biology Lesson #1, “Samoan wrestlers have VERY hard heads,” and it doesn’t work. Fatu nails Luger with a headbutt. Shawn and Fatu try to eliminate Lex, but he doesn’t go. Fatu gets to do his 360 spinning sell for Lex’s clothesline. Showing his ability to multitask, Lex pumps the crowd and clears a wedgie at the same time. Lex and Bret try to whip Shawn and Fatu at each other, but they avoid one another…and run right into back bodydrops which eliminate them both. We’re down to Lex and Bret, and they pound on each other and push each other into the ropes…and they tumble out simultaneously. They smartly don’t have a camera on that side of the ring, which makes the illusion that they hit the floor at the same time pretty convincing. Each of the two referees out there thinks a different man won, which brings Jack Tunney out to discuss things. They play both wrestlers’ music, with Bret’s getting a much bigger reaction, in what may have been a little public opinion poll for how WrestleMania’s main event was gonna go. Finally, after much debate, it’s announced that Lex and Bret are co-winners of the Rumble. Our first music overdub of the show happens here, as the old WrestleMania theme gets covered up for some reason. Ah well. A very uniquely booked Rumble in its history, which set up WrestleMania X’s double main event quite nicely.

We get the usual show-closing montage of stills to end it, with the Mania theme still overdubbed.

THOUGHTS:
The debacle of the WWF Title match aside, this is a really good show, with every match being very entertaining and, in many cases, very historically significant. The Rumble match itself kinda drags toward the end, but you can tell they were trying something new with the booking of this one, and seeing how it made a star out of Kevin Nash in the process, you have to say it worked. And once again, the DVD quality is excellent, with only the opening and closing musical overdubs being noticeable.

Up next: Rumble ‘95! We shorten the intervals to one minute! And make it incomprehensible!