Royal Rumble '92

So, we put the title on Sgt. Slaughter for the sake of pushing an angle that exploited the Gulf War, only to have the plan blow up in our face in several ways, not the least of which being that the Gulf War was over by the time WrestleMania actually occurred. Hulk Hogan then carried the title for most of the year, until he met the challenge of an up and coming star whose legendary career was accelerating faster than anyone could have anticipated: Shane Douglas.

Ha! No, no. The up-and-comer was, of course, the Undertaker. The two met in a world title match at the Survivor Series, where, with a great deal of controversy, the Taker was able to win the title. A rematch was immediately scheduled for PPV, and when I say “immediate,” I mean, THE FOLLOWING TUESDAY, as the WWF wanted to see how much money they could squeeze out of fans, and did a quick follow-up PPV to see if they could sell fans on the idea of weekly PPVs. Thankfully, this failed, and the PPV universe has stayed virtually unchanged ever since, with no additional shows or rising prices plaguing fans.

Ha! No, no. We now have pay-per-views out the wazoo, with big shows like WrestleMania costing so much that sometimes fans must now decide between buying a PPV or having that kidney operation they’ve been saving up for. Anyway, so the rematch also ended in controversy, and WWF “President” Jack Tunney announced that as a result, the title was now vacant and for the first time, the winner of the Royal Rumble would also receive the WWF Championship. Meantime, the WWF signed a new superstar from the competition, one whose presence on their shows would surely get the wrestling world’s attention, and hopefully distract from the failure the Iraqi angle had been. That superstar was, of course, Repo Man.

Ha! No, no. That superstar was the legendary Ric Flair, who just happened to bring the NWA World Title belt with him, because they were silly enough to let him leave without getting it, and he was petty enough to use it. Court injunctions finally stopped he and the WWF from showing the title on television, which meant the self-proclaimed “Real World’s Champion” now had no title. Meantime, thanks to one of his soon-to-be-regularly-scheduled blow-ups, the Ultimate Warrior had departed the company. Not to worry, though, the WWF had signed ANOTHER major name from their competition, one who would surely inspire the same level of excitement and interest in their fans as the Warrior had: Sid Vicious.

Ha! No, no…oh, wait. I mean, yes.

Cr*p.

Royal Rumble 1992
Albany, New York
1/19/1992

Cheesy opening with Mean Gene announcing the participants. This time I KNOW it’s overdubbed, as I distinctly remember (and have videotape to prove) that Vince did the announcing of this show, so apparently we’ve just lost the rights to the Rumble theme we used back then.

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan. For the record, Bobby was one of Flair’s managers, listed as the “Financial Advisor,” and Mr. Perfect, on the shelf with an injury, is his “Executive Consultant,” which is another way to say, “manager who is actually at ringside.” This is important, because it makes Bobby’s commentary during the main event that much more of a hoot. We also mention that The Mountie beat Bret Hart for the Intercontinental title a few nights ago, and Bret’s hurt, so Roddy Piper will be a substitute in that match for Bret. To this day, I don’t know what happened - if Bret was legit hurt or there was a contract dispute or we just had a change of plans for WrestleMania or what.

The Orient Express (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs. The New Foundation
MUSIC ALERT: The Express’s music is still overdubbed with the Kabuki drums, and the Fink again has to overdub his intro. The Express were already more or less gone from the WWF at this point, as they hadn’t had a PPV appearance since the previous Royal Rumble. Tanaka is even wearing a shirt, indicating that he hasn’t kept himself in ring shape, either. The New Foundation is comprised of Owen Hart and Jim Neidhart, with Owen stepping into big brother Bret’s shoes teaming with Jim. Sadly, they also decided to give the team a whole new look, resulting in both of them wearing Hammer-esque parachute pants in hideous shades of purple and green, accentuated by checkerboard headbands and boots. If Barney the dinosaur and a taxicab somehow mated, this might be the result. This was Owen’s first trip to the big dance under his own name, though he’d had a cup of coffee with the WWF in the late 80’s as the Blue Blazer. The mere mention of that name now brings a lump to my throat, so let us move on. The match is a good affair with good heat, designed to get the New Foundation over. If the Express had been on the sidelines, they don’t show any sign of it. Owen naturally plays Face-in-Trouble after a shot from behind and a blow from Fuji on the outside. We work all the old-school tag team heat-getters, from outside interference to the ref not seeing the babyfaces tag, and of course they all work. LONG heat segment is finally ended with Owen hitting a dropkick on both of the Express, and of course the Anvil’s a House Afire. Owen’s high-flying style was REALLY ahead of its time, especially for heavyweights. Kato gets taken out with a tope, and then a Rocket Launcher (Anvil tosses Owen off the top onto their opponent) gets the easy pin. A pretty good, energetic opener, which, sadly, didn’t accomplish much - the Express never appeared again, and by the time WrestleMania rolled around, Jim was gone and Owen was wrestling as a single. But he was still wearing the purple pants, by god.

We go to Lord Alfred Hayes with the details of Bret’s title loss. Man, there’s a name out of the past. Lord Alfred, who had an announcer’s job for FOREVER, despite the fact that he ALWAYS sounded like he was reading lines. We get short clips indicating how the title change took place, and how Roddy came out to help, which leads to Piper’s title match tonight.

Now, to Sean Mooney, with the Mountie and Jimmy Hart. Yep, they gloat. And whine about defending against Piper. But he’ll still win, ‘cuz HE’S DA MOUUUUUUUUNTIIIIIIIIE! Ah, catchphrases were simpler back then.

To Gene Okerlund, with Roddy Piper. Your classic Piper quote from this one: “He said, ‘The first thing I’m gonna do is take Roddy Piper’s integrity.’ It’s like Jacques Cousteau trying to find a dry spot in the ocean - I ain’t GOT no damn integrity! How do you think I got so far?” Roddy was and still is one of the greatest interviews ever. They emphasize that he’s trying to become the first guy ever to win both titles on the same day, as he’s also entered into the Rumble.

Intercontinental Title Match: The Mountie (champion) (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper
Still the ol’ French Horn for the Mountie. Big pop for Piper, naturally. Fun fact: Roddy had never, ever, in his entire career, had a title in the WWF before this night. Roddy refuses to get into the ring until the Mountie puts his cattle prod away. Yeah, in case I didn’t mention it, part of the Mountie’s gimmick is he carries a cattle prod to shock people with. Not sure how it fits into the whole Mountie theme, but it made a convenient feud-starter, particularly when he did something EVIL, like when he threw water on Bret and THEN shocked him. Or when he used a REALLY BIG shocker on the now-face-turned Sgt. Slaughter. Anyway, Piper throws his kilt at the Mountie and we’re under way. It’s a big brawl, as is the norm for Piper, but that’s okay because the crowd HATES the Mountie and wants to see him get his clock cleaned, so that’s what Piper gives them. It occurs to me that a Monkey Flip is one of the sillier moves in wrestling, because when you go down to set one up, as the Mountie does here, all it takes is for your opponent to stop and hit you while you’re an open target on the mat, like Piper does here. Bobby keeps asking if he can run back and find out what Ric’s number is. A missed dropkick by Piper puts the Mountie in control. Roddy hits bunches o’ punches to come back. Mountie does a skin-the-cat move while Roddy’s distracted by Jimmy Hart, but naturally hits Jimmy by mistake. Roddy locks in the sleeper and it’s over, new IC champ. He shocks the Mountie with his own cattle prod post-match, just for fun. Really short and kinda disjointed, as you could tell they threw this together at the last minute, but the crowd loved it, and it was a great moment in Roddy’s career, so there.

Lord Alfred once again, this time with a “Coliseum Video Exclusive” interview with Hogan. So, we’re inserting the stuff we shot only for the home video releases onto these DVDs, too. I’d kinda prefer the original PPVs, but that’s no big deal. Anyway, Hogan’s gonna win the Rumble, yadda yadda.

Mean Gene interviews the Bushwhackers and…Jamison. Oh, no…no, please…please god no…that means the next match is…

The Beverly Brothers (w/ The Genius) vs. The Bushwhackers (w/ Jamison)
You know how the theoretical presence of shadow and/or “suppressed” memory is such a controversial topic in psychological circles? I think I just proved the existence of it. Because I had quite effectively erased this match from my memory. Until now. Now, much like an old childhood horror that has been buried deep in your subconscious until something triggers it and it comes bubbling up to the surface once again, I am now revisited by the horror that is…the Jamison Match. Okay, long and the short of it is, the WWF had this guy named Jamison (played by comedian Andy Kindler, sayeth online definitions) who played a dweeb on their shows who had no concept of personal hygiene and wore horrible suits with a sock stuffed into the breast pocket and had taped up glasses. Think Revenge of the Nerds only LESS socially conscious and with more of a wrestling theme. So the Beverly Brothers (Beau and Blake, actually Mike Enos and Wayne Bloom, who were a major tag team in the AWA before they got WWF-icized) were antagonizing Jamison one week, and of course who comes to his rescue but your heroes and yours, the Bushwhackers. So we have this match. And I will once again have the nightmares. I hope you’re happy, people. To get the evil off to a rousing start, we get a poem from the Genius. The Whackers’ march somehow looks EVEN SILLIER when Jamison does it. Bobby Heenan: “Don’t touch him; you don’t know where he’s been!” Bobby, you are my idol. Just keep the zingers coming, you’re the only way I’m gonna survive this. We kill a few minutes with the Whackers playing to the fans, as they are really popular, which I can only attribute to mass hypnosis. Those poor fans think they’re watching the Midnight Express or something, I swear. If the laws of science and nature are wrong and psychic power truly exists, it cannot, I say, CANNOT be used for evil purposes such as the spreading of propaganda or to make fans cheer for the Bushwhackers. That is just an abuse of the psyche. Jamison’s eating an apple or something on the floor, which gets thoroughly documented by the sadists on the WWF’s television crew. Finally, something vaguely resembling a “match” gets started. Bobby again: “The only bad thing about wrestling the Bushwhackers is, win, lose or draw, you have to have everything you have on fumigated.” Thank you, Bobby, thank you, you are saving my life right now. Bobby Heenan, not just a great manager and announcer, but a true humanitarian. Luke gets beaten up right away, as the Whackers try to get a “sissy” chant started. And then lots of Greco-Roman biting by the Whackers. The Genius taunts Jamison on the floor, and believe you me he has a lot to taunt him about, but we’re supposed to root for Jamison, I guess. Jamison then blows his nose on his sock and looks at the boogers. For this, some poor fans paid 30 bucks. Gorilla’s rationale: “Hey, at least he didn’t wipe it on his sleeve, did he?” Um, no he didn’t Gorilla, you have me there. MORE time-killing crowd-playing by the Whackers. This is Larry Zybszko-level stalling here. Did you know that Zybszko’s real name is Larry Whistler? Yes, he CHANGED it to Larry Zybszko. He forfeited a perfectly reasonably spelled name for one that NO ONE can spell without looking it up. Like I just had to. I mean, geez, he even had a ready-made gimmick - he could have come down to the ring performing the Andy Griffith Show theme or something. And then the big heel turn would come when he stopped doing it. “That’s right people…I ain’t your Whistler NO MORE!” (Insert crowd boos here.) You may have noticed I’m not actually talking about the match which I am supposedly reviewing in this “review.” Believe me, it’s for the best…wait, what? You mean, you actually want me to pay attention? Really? You’re gonna MAKE me do this? I hate you. I hate everything you stand for. And if you have kids, I hate them, too. All right, all right. Beau (or Blake, I can’t remember which was which) hits Butch (I remember which were which there because Luke has no teeth), but quickly he comes back and hits a bulldog, which is the only wrestling move I’ve EVER seen a Bushwhacker execute. Whackers clear the ring again and AGAIN we kill time playing to the crowd. The Beverlies even try a sneak attack, and THAT goes nowhere. This match has been one, long, endless, pointless spot. Another heel attack is easily thwarted and YET AGAIN the Beverlies head to the floor. I swear, Kane/Khali had more action than this. Finally, a sneak attack on Luke pays off and the Beverlies go on offense. Slow, plodding, boring offense. Meanwhile, Jamison’s chewing on his tie. I promise you, reader, I am making NONE OF THIS UP. People paid good money for a PPV to watch a nerd eat his neckwear while the most boring match of all time was going on. Luke gets beaten on for a few minutes, with the usual heel double-teaming, only much less interesting. The WWF camera crew gives us a long close-up of Jamison’s wardrobe. You evil, evil, evil people. Heenan: “He went to the beach last year at Coney Island, and they wouldn’t let him go in the water. He left a ring around it.” I am nominating Bobby Heenan for sainthood, right now. Any man who can make THIS match even remotely entertaining, well, that is an unqualified miracle. Beau (/Blake/whoever) hits a clothesline which, for some reason, causes Luke to fall SIDEWAYS. This would seem to defy the laws of physics, but several other laws are being violated (namely indecency and public torture), so why not? The ref gets distracted on the other side, allowing the Genius to head over and slap Jamison. Lanny Poffo immediately becomes my all-time favorite wrestler after that one move. Well, at least my all-time favorite wrestler that participated in this match. Jamison’s immortal response: “He hitted me! He hitted me hard!” Beau/Blake hits a move off the ropes on Luke, but Butch makes the save. Gorilla: “Match continuing at a furious pace, here.” Gorilla, I love you, you’re one of my all-time favorite announcers, but if THIS is a “furious pace” I’d HATE to see what you call a “boring pile of cr*p.” Luke finally hits a clothesline and it’s time for a Race to T…ah, my heart’s just not in it. Anyway, hot tag Butch, House Afire, Hell Breaks Loose, Kill Me Now. The Beverlies finally hit a double team double-axhandle on Butch and get the pinfall. Of course, because it can’t just be OVER, the Whackers hit their stupid finisher on both of the Beverlies post-match, and then bring in Jamison to beat up on the Genius a bit (which amounts to a kick in the shins after a minute of build-up), and then parade around with his mortarboard for a while. The match may be over, but my horror has just begun. If there is a god, she is not a merciful one, oh no.

And Mean Gene interviews the Legion of Doom, as I can at least count on a classic Hawk soundbite to restore my will to live. “Weeelllll, Mean Gene, you know what makes us sick, besides EVERYTHING?” Ahh, thank you Mr. Hegstrand. They’re gonna beat the Natural Disasters, you know. “They wanna throw their weight around. Well, that’s okay - WE wanna throw your weight around, too!” Urge to die, fading…fading…fading…RISING…fading…gone.

WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Natural Disasters (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. The Legion of Doom (champions)
This match will probably not be anything great, but it’ll seem like Flair/Steamboat after that last one. The storyline is simple: The LOD beat Jimmy Hart’s Nasty Boys to win the titles, and now have to face his biggest team, Earthquake and Typhoon, the former Tugboat. Big pop for the LOD, as the crowd wakes up after being put to sleep by The-Match-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Basic power vs. power match, with none of the LOD’s usual impact offense working. Earthquake actually tries a dropkick, damn impressive for such a big man, but misses. Pretty much everything is a stalemate early on. A botched Animal bodyslam makes him Face In Trouble, but only temporarily. Hawk tags in and soon after HE’S Face In Trouble, as the Disasters work over his back. Bear hug by Typhoon slows things down. Earthquake comes in and gives him more of the same. A big boot by Hawk and a flying elbow gives us the Race To Tag, tag to Animal, House Afire. Next thing you know, we have a big brawl on the floor, but Typhoon rolls back into the ring and the Disasters win by count-out. The Disasters, being heels, parade around with the belts like they won them. The LOD, being faces, storm the ring with chairs and take them back. Okay power match with a weak ending. Oddly, by the time WrestleMania rolled around, the LOD would lose the tag straps to the yet-to-be-formed-team of Money, Inc. (Ted DiBiase and I.R.S.), the Natural Disasters would turn babyface to feud with them, and the LOD wouldn’t even have a match at Mania. One of those weird booking turns.

To Sean Mooney in “the locker room” with Jimmy Hart and the Disasters, as they rant about how they should be champs because they won and stuff. Proving once again that when you turn heel in the WWF, you apparently deduct about a hundred I.Q. points.

To Gorilla and Bobby, where Bobby says he can recommend a good lawyer for Jimmy.

To Mean Gene, interviewing new IC champ Roddy Piper. One title down, one to go. He somehow finds a way to reference President Bush (the first one, natch) getting sick in Japan AND Martin Luther King, Jr.

To Sean Mooney again, in “the locker room,” interviewing the newly heel-turned Shawn Michaels, who already has the Heart Break Kid character down pat even though he hadn’t given himself that nickname yet. We show clips of Shawn superkicking Jannetty and tossing him through the Barber Shop window, one of the more iconic heel turns of all time. He’s gonna win the Rumble, you know. Shawn’s not quite the great interview he is now, but it’s a pretty good start.

To Lord Alfred Hayes, with another “Coliseum Video exclusive,” as he interviews Ric Flair, who reveals that he pulled #3. Luckily, Bobby hasn’t heard about this yet.

Okay, now we officially make NO sense - as we send it to Gene to discuss the Rumble’s title implications, the old Rumble theme, the one we apparently overdubbed in the intro for legal reasons, is CLEARLY AUDIBLE in the background. So now, a song that gets removed for legal reasons, appears intact LATER IN THE SAME DVD. I is confused.

Pre-Rumble-Interview-Montage! Macho Man’s gonna win! Uh-uh, Sid Justice is gonna win! Uh-uh, Repo Man’s gonna…um, no. Wait, the Bulldog’s gonna win! Uh-uh, Jake’s gonna win! Uh-uh, Flair’s gonna win! Uh-uh, the Undertaker’s gonna win! Uh-uh, Hogan’s gonna win! Well, that was a weird segment - it was like a main event Oreo with Repo Man as the filling.

The Royal Rumble
The Fink runs down the rules, followed by “President” Jack Tunney speaking to drive home the importance of the event.

First Two Entrants: #1. The British Bulldog, #2. “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase
Bulldog is pretty over as a mid-card babyface at this point, whereas Ted was coming to the end of his run as a top singles heel. DiBiase still had Sherri with him, though she’d jump ship to the S.S. Shawn Michaels by the time Mania rolled around. Good segment to start, with two good workers. Ted throws Bulldog over the top, but he catches himself and comes back in to clothesline DiBiase out to a big pop. Davey waits for number 3...

#3. Ric Flair
Bobby, of course, has a coronary. He actually goes off headset to rant, with Gorilla telling him to watch his language. Gorilla is bringing up facts about how no one has ever drawn an early number and even BEEN THERE at the end, let alone won. Monsoon twisting the knife, I see. Bulldog dominates early with power. Bobby apologizes for not being objective in this match. Hee hee. Big press slam by Bulldog, but he doesn’t throw him out. Flair lands virtually no offense outside of eye gouges and low blows. Bulldog dumps him to the apron, but Flair sneaks back in.

#4. Jerry Saggs of the Nasty Boys
Jimmy Hart hits the road after coming down with Saggs, so apparently no managers at ringside this year. Bobby talks about how tremendous the camera work is to keep himself calm. Saggs beats on Davey, making it a double team and giving Ric some rest time. Double clothesline puts Bulldog back in control. He dumps Saggs to the apron, but he catches himself - but stops to gloat about it, so Davey dropkicks him from there and eliminates him. Back to Bulldog/Flair. Flair lands some chops before a power slam by Davey.

#5. Haku
Haku immediately attacks Davey Boy, once again making it 2 on 1...until he attacks Flair, too, driving Bobby mad. Flair, thus, bails out to the floor. Haku continues the assault on Davey, until Flair sneaks back in to work on Haku a bit. It becomes a triple threat match, everyone working on everyone until Davey eliminates Haku. Back to Bulldog/Flair for a second until…

#6. Shawn Michaels
Big heel pop for Shawn. Man, I would have loved to see these three in a triple threat match at some point. Shawn and Ric start trading blows almost immediately. We never really got a Ric/Shawn match while they were in their prime. They fought at Summer Slam a couple years back and it was good, but by that point their combined age exceeded 100. That’s not a dig on either guy NOW, by any means, I’m just saying I would have loved to see them fight THEN, too. Shawn dominates Flair then gets beaten up by the Bulldog. Shawn does his first elimination tease of the night, going over but landing on the apron. Flair works on Michaels a bit, but the ol’ thumb in the eye stops it. Shawn then shows off his “ride the top rope” spot for the first time at the hands of Davey.

#7. “El Matador” Tito Santana
See, we decided that plain old “Tito Santana” wasn’t marketable anymore, so we made him a Matador one week for no reason. And gave him ugly green tights. Goes after Flair right away, but Shawn makes the save. Bobby is literally pleading with Ric to stay on the mat. We pair off for a bit, and the Ric nails THE most blatant shot to the nuts of all time on Davey. EVERYONE in the arena howls in sympathy. Flair tries to toss him, but Tito makes the save and nails the Flying Forearm. *Moment of Bitterness* I lost a trivia contest at Ziggy Zoomba’s one night because the question was, “What was Tito Santana’s finishing move?” I answered, correctly, the Flying Forearm. They said, no, it was the “Flying Jalapeno.” NO, that’s what heel commentator Bobby Heenan called it, because he was mocking Tito. It was CALLED the Flying Forearm. Arrgh. *End of Moment of Bitterness*

#8. The Barbarian
Gorilla: (mockingly) “Barbarian doesn’t like Flair…” Bobby: “Barbarian doesn’t like ANYBODY! When I managed him, he barely liked ME!” Flair’s performance in this Rumble is legend, but I think another guy also turned in amazing work that day: Bobby Heenan. His commentary adds even more enjoyment to the Rumble with his constant rooting, yelling, cursing, pleading and even PRAYING for Flair to win. Great stuff. It becomes beat-up-on-the-faces as Barbarian and Flair try to eliminate Bulldog. Tito almost eliminates Shawn, and then almost GETS eliminated by Flair.

#9. “The Texas Tornado” Kerry Von Erich
Flair and Von Erich immediately square off, which is a throwback to a legendary match the two had in Texas Stadium about a decade before this. Being the WWF, though, we don’t acknowledge it, as anything that didn’t happen here obviously isn’t important. Von Erich beats up on him a while, as everyone pairs off with not a lot happening.

#10. Repo Man
Repo is Smash of Demolition (aka Barry Darsow) in a brand new and MUCH cr*ppier gimmick. It’s pretty much right there in the name. AND he dresses like the Hamburglar’s half brother. It’s funny the way he sneaks into the ring as opposed to charging in. Flair tries to eliminate Bulldog. We’re a third of the way through the Rumble and only the Bulldog has eliminated anyone.

#11. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine
Better pop for the Hammer this year, as the crowd actually knows he’s a babyface this time. Valentine and Flair have a chop-fest in the corner. Greg wins. Bobby uses the term “jobbed” for the first time in WWF history in relation to Flair’s number selection.

#12. Nikolai Volkoff
Nikolai had been gone off TV about a year at this point, after a fairly disastrous attempt to turn him face by having him “defect.” What a thrill it was to hear that voice, which had butchered the Soviet national anthem for so many years, now supposedly be sympathetic because it was instead butchering the American national anthem. Roseanne had nothing on Nikolai. He starts working on Repo Man right away. Main event anywhere in the country, that match, lemme tell ya. We’ve really slowed the tempo down, here. Greg picks it up by slapping the Figure Four on Flair, to a big pop from the crowd and a near brain aneurysm from Bobby. Repo eliminates Nikolai to great indifference.

#13. The Big Boss Man
Boss Man beats up the world for a while, to a big pop. Repo eliminates the Hammer. How the hell is REPO MAN getting such a solid Rumble push? Did we REALLY see that character going anywhere? Shawn teases elimination at the hands of the Boss Man. Boss Man then dramatically tosses Repo Man out the far side. Davey Boy works on Flair on the ropes some more until Flair dips his shoulder and finally eliminates him. Tornado picks up where Davey left off, and it’s second verse, same as the first, as Flair eliminates him the same way. As the countdown picks up, both Tito and Shawn go tumbling over the top to the floor on the far side. Well, SOMEONE decided the match was dragging.

#14. Hercules
Power and Glory were history by this point, although Herc is still in his Power and Glory trunks. He immediately beats up on Flair, to more great consternation from Bobby. Some video imperfections on here, I dunno if that’s the source tape or my DVD. Flair turns on the Barbarian, to little effect. Barbarian tries to dump him, but Herc sneaks up and eliminates Barbarian. Then a big clothesline by Boss Man sends him and Hercules over the top, but Boss Man lands on the apron. Flair, thinking he’s gone, takes a second to gloat, and then turns around to see Boss Man is still here. Nice little mini-match between the two ensues, ending with Boss Man missing a clothesline and going over the top to the floor. Flair’s all alone, and celebrates with a Flair Flop while Bobby goes nuts, asking if this means he’s won.

#15. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper
Flair and Piper had the feud at this point, of course. Bobby almost starts crying. Piper goes nuts on Flair to huge crowd heat. Flair heads to the floor, but Roddy heads out and fetches him. Flair tries an atomic drop out of the corner, but Piper blocks it and casually pokes him in the eyes. Airplane spin, a move you NEVER see anymore, followed by a sleeper. Flair fades…

#16. Jake “The Snake” Roberts
HUGE boos for Jake, who has transformed into a mega-heel during a feud with Randy Savage. That featured one of the creepiest moments in WWF history, as Jake had a real King Cobra really bite on Savage’s real arm on national television. It was de-venomized, of course, but still damn eerie to see. Jake sits back and lets Piper continue to work on Flair before attacking Piper. Bobby: “Thank you, Jake, thank you!” Jake and Roddy fight in the corner as Flair lies prone on the mat. Flair finally rises…and gets hit with a short clothesline by Jake. Bobby starts ranting about Jake. Jake sets up for the DDT, but Piper hits Jake before he can do it. Bobby: “I never thought I’d say this, but THANK YOU, Roddy…it’s a kilt! It’s not a skirt, it’s a kilt!” Flair slaps the Figure Four on Jake, and Roddy starts kicking BOTH of them. Bobby: “Roddy, you no-good creep! You skirt-wearing freak!” That right there is, pretty much, my favorite wrestling quote of all time. My brother’s, too. We quote that one CONSTANTLY. Bobby Heenan: Genius. They all hit blows on each other and Jake almost has Roddy out as…

#17. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
Jim, naturally, goes right after Flair. Bobby, again, rants about the conspiracy against Flair. “Hulk Hogan had something to do with this!” We pair off, Duggan/Jake and Flair/Piper. Not much going on, really.

#18. Irwin R. Schyster
For the uninitiated, Mike Rotunda, longtime wrestling veteran, getting a WWF makeover as the Wrestling Tax Collector. Get it? His initials are I.R.S.! Oh, Vince, you clever dog, you. They even made him wear a dress shirt and tie in the ring. Irwin, of course, attacks Flair right away. Flair and Jake almost eliminate Piper until a Double Noggin Knocker by Duggan stops it. Roddy almost eliminates Flair himself.

#19. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka
Snuka saves Flair from elimination, then paradoxically starts nailing him. I guess he just figured it was his turn. Duggan draws heat by just standing in the corner a bit. The announcers point out we’ve reached the point where either Hogan or the Undertaker can show up, as, since they were the two former champions, they were given an advantage by being allowed to draw between numbers 20-30. Yeah, like Hogan needed that kind of rigging to get a high number. Flair again teases elimination, this time at the hands of Jake.

#20. The Undertaker
Wow, that preferential draw really worked out for the Dead Man, didn’t it? Undertaker breaks up the “beat Flair up first” rhythm by eliminating Snuka with one blow first, THEN beating on Flair. Bobby starts getting fatalistic, yelling about how all their hard work is going down the toilet. Duggan tries to attack Undertaker, who uncharacteristically kicks his leg back and waffles Jim in the nuts. Hey, even a zombie knows the Universal Weak Point. Piper and Flair team up to work on the Taker.

#21. “Macho Man” Randy Savage
As noted, he and Jake have a BIG feud, which explains why Jake IMMEDIATELY heads for the floor when he sees Savage coming. Savage gets blindsided by the Undertaker while he’s looking for him, allowing Jake to come back in and start working on him. Savage comes back quickly and eliminates Jake with a high knee, and then dives over the top after him to keep up the attack. The crowd gets completely deflated, thinking Savage has eliminated himself, but the referees tell him to get back in, so apparently self-eliminations don’t count this year. They need to keep better track of these kinds of rules. Undertaker keeps trying to pry Savage off of Jake, to little success, until finally Jake gets out of there and Savage is apparently still in. The announcers are as confused as anyone as to why Savage is still in there, until someone explains the ruling. Taker keeps working on Savage until Duggan peels him off. Flair nails a low blow on Taker. Taker acts mildly distracted by it.

#22. The Berzerker
The gimmick: He’s a Viking. In fact, that was his original name until we decided “Berzerker” was more marketable. This was years before “Clerks,” BTW. Catchphrase: “Huss! Huss!” Repeat for THE WHOLE MATCH. It’s kinda like Mick’s in-ring chatter, but WAY more annoying. He also had the weirdest finisher: He’d toss guys over the top rope and let them get counted out. Ooooookay. He also once had a feud with the Undertaker where he tried to stab him with a big sword he carried. There you go, the complete career history of the Berzerker. Not available in paperback at your local Barnes and Noble. Flair tries to suplex Savage to the floor, but Macho counters it and suplexes him back in. Bobby to Flair: “Weasel your way out if you have to!” Odd pair: Taker and Roddy double choke Flair. Until Taker notices Roddy’s there and starts choking HIM, too.

#23. Virgil
Virg had lost pretty much all the career momentum at this point. Undertaker starts beating on him pretty quickly. Not a whole lot going on. Taker chokes out Flair in the corner, driving Bobby nuts. Roddy and Virgil, best buddies in storyline, beat each other up.

#24. Col. Mustafa
The last vestiges of the Iraq storyline saw the Iron Sheik, real-life Iranian, convert to being Iraqi as Mustafa. Really drives home the point that apparently no one in the WWF really knew (or cared) how spectacularly unlikely that is in real life. Eh, after Slaughter turned Iraqi it was pretty much all bets are off. Savage nails Taker with a big blow. Taker seems mildly interested. Flair and Piper pair off again.

#25. “The Model” Rick Martel
The current record-holder attacks Virgil right away. Way to aim high, Rick. He does better by attacking Flair and trying to put him out, but Flair survives yet again. Savage eliminates Mustafa to no reaction. Duggan, lacking anything better to do, starts a “USA” chant.

#26. Hulk Hogan
Hogan knocks the Taker and Flair’s heads together as a greeting. His feud is with Taker, so he quickly pairs off with him, leading to a bunch of heels ganging up on him. Heenan is now pleading with god, begging for Flair to win and saying he’ll never do another bad thing as long as he lives. Hogan quickly comes back and eliminates the Taker with a big clothesline (HUGE pop), and then sends the Berzerker to the floor right after him. And then, finally, he takes the shirt off. Virgil takes a dive at Duggan that sends BOTH of them to the floor.

#27. Skinner
Veteran Steve Keirn in his new gimmick as an alligator hunter. Hmm, a guy named Steve who hunts big lizards and wildlife - I guess no one knew just how ahead of his time Keirn really was. Ah well, hindsight is 20/20. Bobby: “I need something to drink. Hey, you, stupid! Get me something to drink!” The Ricks, Flair and Martel, try to eliminate Piper. Both announcers are flabbergasted that Flair is still there.

#28. Sgt. Slaughter
Sarge is back to being a babyface, after his classic “I want my country back!” promo. Well, not quite classic. More like mildly memorable. But he’s an American again, and that’s all that matters. Skinner tries to eliminate Piper, but gets eliminated by Martel. Slaughter works on Flair right away. Piper and Hogan revisit some history by working on each other. The announcers claim Flair has passed Martel’s record.

#29. Sid Justice
We wanted Sid to be a face, so instead of Vicious he’s “Justice.” Sid works on IRS right away, but can’t eliminate him. Flair’s still up and fighting, working over Hogan, supposedly foreshadowing their WrestleMania match that never happened. Sid starts working on Flair in a WCW throwback.

#30. The Warlord
It’s Warlord’s last year of being wholly ineffectual in the Rumble, sad to say. And, appropriately, he goes out as the keeper of the #30 curse. Bless you, Warlord, for your stunning efforts at mediocrity. Hogan and Flair end up on the floor (but not eliminated), and Hogan suplexes him out there. Sid tosses Slaughter to the turnbuckle, and he flies over it and out. Hogan tosses Flair back in and keeps beating him. IRS tosses Piper to the apron, but Piper grabs him by the tie and pulls him out. Justice and Hogan easily toss out Warlord. A salute, to the end of the most unsuccessful Rumble career in history. Godspeed, fair Warlord, godspeed. Piper and Martel brawl on the ropes, allowing Justice to sneak up and eliminate both of them, meaning…

The Final Four: Ric Flair, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, Hulk Hogan and Sid Justice
Nifty booking, as all four of these guys ended up being both halves of Mania’s double main event. Sid perches Savage on the top rope, and Flair nails Sid from behind, spilling Savage to the floor and eliminating him. Flair chops away at Hogan, to no effect. Flair almost does a Flair Flip in the corner, but stops himself. Flair goes to the apron, and Hogan tries to get him out…and Justice sneaks up from behind and tosses Hogan out to a surprisingly big pop. Hogan, being the GREAT sport he is, grabs Justice from the floor and pulls on his arm, allowing Flair to sneak up and toss Justice to win the Royal Rumble and the WWF Title. Bobby nearly loses his voice celebrating. Flair beats a quick retreat as Hogan and Justice argue in the ring, with the crowd pretty clearly siding with Justice. If Hogan hadn’t decided to “retire” at WrestleMania VIII, we were on the verge of him getting John Cena Resentment Heat pretty quickly. This Rumble is pretty universally considered one of if not THE best…but it’s not quite THAT great. It’s very entertaining for Flair’s performance and Bobby’s work, but there are better booked Rumbles in its history, with fewer ring-clogging dead spots. Still, it’s a really good one, and Flair’s performance (setting a new Rumble record at 60 minutes) is certainly among the greats.

In the back, Jack Tunney presents the title to Flair. Flair calls it the greatest moment of his life, and Bobby and Perfect say they told us so.

They run the show-closing photo montage, AGAIN overdubbing the Rumble theme. I is more confused.

THOUGHTS:
Many (mostly rabid Flair fans) will tell you this is one of the greatest PPV events in history, but I defy any of them to watch the whole show and still claim that. The opener is okay. The Piper match is a great moment preceded by a not-so-great match. The Tag Title match is merely passable. And the Whackers/Beverlies match is a black hole of suck that no show could ever fully recover from. The Rumble is, as stated, very good, but ever so slightly overhyped. The end result is, overall, a pretty mediocre show, in the grand scheme of things, one that time has been very kind to because fans are able to do their own internal editing job on it (Flair won! Piper won! That’s all that happened, right?). But again, the quality of the release is quite good (inconsistent music editing aside), and this Rumble set has been well worth the money so far.

Up next: Rumble ‘93! No Hogan! Really!