Royal Rumble '93

It’s really pretty cool the way the history of the Rumble, as a reflection of the WWF/WWE, just kinda naturally arranges itself into five-year sections, which divides up the DVD set quite nicely. From 1988-1992, we had the Hogan Era. From 1993-1997, the Bret/Shawn era. From 1998-2002, the Austin/Rock era. And then from 2003-2007, we have what we are currently in, the We Don’t Know Yet Whose Era It Is era. Which is, of course, a big part of the problem.

Anyway, so, Ric Flair wins the title at the ‘92 Rumble, then loses it to Randy Savage at WrestleMania (after briefly teasing a Hogan/Flair main event which got shelved when Hogan decided to “retire”). Flair regains the title from Savage about six months later, apparently with designs of putting it on the recently-returned Ultimate Warrior, but then when it became apparent his latest stay would be mercifully brief, Flair then drops the title to one of the least-expected candidates: Bret Hart, who, after putting on an all-time classic with the British Bulldog at SummerSlam saw his WWF stock rise quickly. Quickly enough that Vince decided to make him champion less than three months later.

No one knew how long Bret’s title reign would last, but all signs looked good going into the new year. Bret was having great matches with a wide variety of opponents and tried incredibly hard to establish credibility as champion by working as often as he could. And, further bolstering his case to remain champion, most other credible challengers had left or were leaving: Hogan was “retired,” Warrior had quit/gotten fired/who knows, Flair was soon to be released from his contract to head back to WCW, Savage was being transitioned into a commentary role. The old guard was being phased out, and a new generation, led by Bret, was going to begin the company’s new era.

Well, that’s how it looked at the time, anyway. And, that’s how it would go down…eventually. There would be a bump in the road, though. A bump named 1993.

Royal Rumble 1993
Sacramento, California
1/14/1993

No opening video or anything, we cut straight to the arena and are welcomed by our hosts Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan. Fun trivia: This is the ONLY time in the Rumble’s first ten years where the commentators were consistent for two years straight. Every other year, new announcers. It’s a little disconcerting. Gorilla runs down the card and Bobby rants about how tonight he’s unveiling Narcissus and it’ll change the world. Well, the H-Bomb changed the world, too, and I don’t think anyone was excited about THAT.

The Beverly Brothers vs. The Steiner Brothers
This is like going from reverse to 100 mph for the Beverlies after last year. Too bad they don’t have a chance in hell here. This is the Steiners’ WWF debut, though everyone knows who they are so it’s not like they’ll have to work hard to get over or anything. For those who never saw Scott Steiner in this era, it’s so hard to fathom that he’s the same guy. Imagine him about 50-75 pounds lighter and with longer brown hair. And WAAAAAAAAAY more talent. I mean, like, this guy was IT. He was THE worker who was gonna take wrestling into the 90s. Think Kurt Angle only even BETTER. That’s what makes me so sad to reflect on the present of Big Poppa Pump. Once he put on the muscle, the talent went out the window and it became all about the “peaks.” Anyway, this is the usual “get the new team over” match, though more energetic and interesting than your usual fare along those lines, as the Steiners really were THAT good at this point. The Beverlies hold up their end, though. I feel less bad about not knowing which Beverly is which, since apparently Gorilla and Bobby don’t know, either. Scott, of course, plays Face In Trouble and takes a beating until a Double Underhook Powerbomb sets up the Race To Tag, tag to Rick, House Afire. Rick hits a SICK German suplex on Beau/Blake, and since it’s 1993 the announcers don’t know the name of it yet. Rick nails a couple of Steinerlines before tagging Scott back in. The Beverlies try a Doomsday Device on Scott, who counters by rolling up Beau/Blake in a Victory Roll as Blake/Beau comes off the top. A Frankensteiner by Scott ends it. Man, I miss the real Steiner Brothers. They show a replay augmented with the “Brain Scan,” Bobby operating a telestrator, though the joke is it doesn’t work. Nyuk nyuk.

To Gorilla and Bobby, running down the history which lead up to our Intercontinental Title Match, with their mikes literally piped into the arena’s audio. Kinda weird.

Feud In Review: Shawn/Marty, narrated by Gene Okerlund. They were the Rockers, then Shawn threw Marty through a window, and then, well, they weren’t the Rockers anymore. Cut to a YEAR later, Shawn is doing his pre-match preening in the ring, and here comes Marty from the crowd to rudely interrupt him. Marty beats him from pillar to post and then takes the mirror from Shawn’s manager/lover Sherri. Shawn pulls Sherri in front of him to save himself, and Marty accidentally breaks the mirror over Sherri’s head. This accomplished two things: One, it put Sherri on the shelf for a few months, and two, it gave Marty seven years bad luck, which, looking at his wrestling career, somehow got extended to at least fifteen.

Intercontinental Title Match: Marty Jannetty vs. Shawn Michaels (champion)
Not mentioned in the FIR is how Shawn won the IC title from the Bulldog on the last edition of Saturday Night’s Main Event on the Fox Network. Sherri comes down to ringside before the match, as it was announced that she’d be returning here, though no one knew whose corner she’d be in. She looks a little bigger than she usually does (I mean she’s put on some weight, not that she “looks bigger” in the way women usually do in wrestling), making me wonder if she was on the shelf because she was pregnant or something. A quick glance at Wikipedia reveals she does have a son, though doesn’t provide an age or anything to verify it, and besides, Wikipedia is about as reliable as rumor most of the time. Marty’s outfit is tassles-a-plenty, with his tights cut into streamers, which on my old tape of this show played havoc with the video quality. Shawn is still coming out to Sherri’s performance of his theme song, which, after 14-plus years of his current theme music, is quite disconcerting. Especially since Shawn’s version is so much better. I mean, Shawn’s no Sinatra, but at least his speak-singing doesn’t butcher chords quite like Sherri’s version does. I’m not sure if he’s quite dubbed himself the Heart Break Kid yet. Shawn plays to Sherri and invites her in pre-match, but she doesn’t move. It’s kinda unique how, in a world where pretty much everyone has changed their gimmicks about 40,000 times in the time since this show took place (witness the eternally-evolving Undertaker), Shawn has remained virtually unchanged since this point in his career. Sure, he occasionally becomes a degenerate, but he’s still Shawn Michaels, just a Shawn Michaels who points to his crotch more. Shawn starts jawing at Jannetty, Marty slugs him, so Shawn bails to the floor. Good back-and-forth stuff to start, with Marty getting most of the big moves, though the crowd isn’t yet particularly loud for this one. They aren’t for pretty much anything all night, really, except for…well, we‘ll get to that. Marty’s offense isn’t hitting particularly well, but Shawn still flies around like a superball for him. Whenever Shawn is on the floor, Sherri doesn’t go anywhere near him. Marty even hits a tope and it doesn’t pop the crowd that much. Marty comes off the top to the floor but Shawn hits him to take control, then rams his right shoulder into the post. Too bad Marty starts selling pain in his LEFT shoulder. So that sets up the psychology, as Shawn works over the shoulder. It goes on like that for quite a while, and the crowd finally starts to get into it, chanting for Marty. More shoulder work. Words of wisdom from Bobby: “…I’d piledrive him on the steps. That way you crack his head open and break both shoulders at the same time. Good amateur move.” Long armbar by Shawn, working on the shoulder, and Marty taps furiously, but, sadly, the tap-out means nothing at this point in wrestling history, so his effort to jumpstart a wrestling innovation is in vain. But thanks for trying, Marty. This is way more slow-paced than you’d expect for the first big match between the Rockers. Marty fights out, but a single arm DDT stops his comeback. More arm work until Shawn heads up for the dreaded Flying Chindrop to Marty’s Boot (tm PowerPB13). Shawn’s up first, then he whips Marty to the corner so he can run into his elbow and then run into the ringpost. Apparently Shawn is doing Marty’s offense for him at this point in the match, and though we all know Shawn CAN wrestle for two, it’s time for Marty to start picking up the slack a bit. Marty comes back (and completely forgets his shoulder injury) before getting tossed to the floor. Shawn tries to suplex him back in, but Marty counters and suplexes Shawn to the floor. Sherri finally makes a move toward Shawn on the floor - so she can belt him right in the chops. Marty brings Shawn back in and we start exchanging highspots and near-falls. If memory serves, they cut out a moment where Marty grabs Shawn’s trunks, giving fans a half moon. No big loss, by any means, but what a strange thing to omit. Shawn goes for Sweet Chin Music (not named that yet, it’s just The Superkick), but Marty hits it instead for two. The fans are certainly into the match now. More near falls. Shawn quite deliberately elbows the referee to knock him out, then Marty grabs Shawn and calls Sherri into the ring. Sherri then goes to hit Shawn with her shoe, but Shawn ducks and she hits Marty instead. Shawn jaws at Sherri for a bit, then he drags Marty to his feet and hits the super kick for the easy pinfall. Kind of an anti-climactic finish, there. Match started kinda slow but certainly picked up by the end. Sherri heads to the back, hysterical about everything. Shawn comes back to confront her, Marty bursts in to save the day. They say the old, “it’s not over yet!” line to continue the feud, but Marty would be out of the WWF again by the time WrestleMania rolled around, and Sherri would get transferred into a feud with Luna Vachon. Note: Marty came back in May to win the title from Shawn in a great match on Raw, but then lost it back to him at a house show when Shawn debuted his new bodyguard: a big, 7-foot guy named “Diesel.”

To Gorilla and Bobby, who say little of note about what just happened.

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. The Big Boss Man
Sigh. Not 15 years later and both participants are no longer with us. Bam Bam was returning to the WWF for a new run as a heel after his babyface late 80’s run stalled, because he was becoming a threat to Hogan. That’s kinda the way they did things in the WWF back then - if someone became too popular, we killed them off because they were a threat to the golden goose. Are you beginning to understand why so many hate Hogan to this day? And why so many now hate John Cena for the same reason? It’s not necessarily a slight against the man personally (although Hogan was WAY more of an outright politician than Cena has ever been), it’s a rebellion against the way the company has used him. Anyway, Boss Man was nearing the end of his WWF run, and this was a farewell job to put Bammer over. He still gets a big pop, indicating his usefulness was not up for the company, so why he was departing is a bit of a mystery. Bammer takes over right away, controlling with size and speed. Bam Bam was easily one of the best talents who never got a major run in either of the big two. He proved his worth in his ECW run where he got a world title reign and had a great feud with Taz, then headed to WCW for what was to be a big feud with Goldberg which went nowhere. Boss Man finally comes back with a clothesline and some punches. Understandably, Boss Man doesn’t seem to have much fire in this one. They trade offense for a bit and Boss Man hits a bulldog, then gets backdropped over the top. Bammer slowly dominates with shots to the back. Bam Bam slowed his offense down a lot for this heel run, though he picked up as a worker by the time WrestleMania XI rolled around. We’ll get to that soon enough. Bearhug spot slows things down, Boss Man fights out but gets Hot Shot-ed on the ropes and ends up right back in it. Boss Man reverses a suplex, but Bam Bam’s STILL in control. Bammer misses a cross body to FINALLY put Boss Man on offense, including an impressive back bodydrop. He’s still selling the back. Bam Bam hits a big boot and a clothesline to put Boss Man down, then hits the top rope headbutt for the easy pinfall. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a squash. Nothing special at all, sadly, since I like both guys.

Footage from WWF Mania of Razor Ramon beating up Owen Hart. This was back in the stage of Owen’s career where he didn’t really appear on WWF television EXCEPT to be in angles which set up feuds for Bret.

To Gorilla and Bobby, who AGAIN say nothing of note about what is about to happen.

Footage from “last night” of Razor (interviewed by Raymond Rougeau, who had transferred to being a broadcaster at this point) at a Sacramento Kings game, talking about how he’s gonna beat Bret. The accent is REALLY bad at this point. Which is saying something, given how it wasn’t exactly Pacino-level later on, either.

WWF Title Match: Razor Ramon vs. Bret “Hitman” Hart (champion)
The backstory is that Flair and Razor were a team for a while there, so when Bret beat Flair for the title, both Flair and Razor vowed to come after him. Flair failed, so now it’s Razor’s turn. In a moment that is indicative of a lost art, we go back to Mean Gene, who interviews Bret backstage while Razor’s entrance is going on. We even get to see Bret coming out to the arena from the other side of the curtain, which is pretty unusual. Big ovation for Bret, easily the biggest of the night so far. Stu and Helen are both ringside for this one. Razor was really, really green at this point, both as a character and as a wrestler. His improvement was quite dramatic once he got motivated, thanks to his face turn and hanging out with Shawn Michaels. I really, really miss the old title belt. Just felt like saying that. Razor tosses his toothpick at the boy who gets the Hitman sunglasses, and it’s ON. Because you can assault my little brother, sure, I can deal with that, but throw a toothpick at some kid and your *ss is MINE. Razor takes over pretty quick, but misses a knee in the corner, and Bret goes after it like a shark goes after chum. Bret locks on a figure four quick, but Razor makes the ropes. Bret’s still working on the knee. This is Bret’s M.O., what made his matches so fun - if he was given even the SLIGHTEST opening, he pounced and did not let up. Simple, old school psychology, but it worked. Razor reverses a whip and Bret goes under the ropes and hits ribs first on the post. OW. Razor follows him out and hits a couple backbreakers on the floor, then rams him into the post again. Houston, we have a heat segment. Razor works on the back and ribs back in the ring. Razor is showing flashes of the brilliant stalling tactics that made his WCW matches such classics. Few could do less in the ring than Hall and Nash during the Outsiders era. It was truly remarkable how little effort they could put forth when the world was watching. They were amazing at being underwhelming. Razor puts Bret into an abdominal stretch, nailing the ribs as he goes, Bret reverses it, and we finally pick up the pace a bit. Well, for a second, then we go back into Razor’s slow-paced offense. Mainly kicks. A LOT of kicks. Whole lotta kicking going on here. Oh, and slaps to the head. Bret tries to get things going with a few near falls, but Razor will NOT be deterred from his kicking strategy, augmented by a sort-of Camel Clutch. And then a bearhug. It’s like Bret is trying so hard to make this watchable, but through sheer force of lack-of-will, Razor is doggedly dragging it back to mediocrity. You have to admire a man with that kind of lack of dedication. Bret keeps his arm up the third time, then gets out with a bite. Bret backdrops Razor to the floor, then hits a tope to firmly take control. Bret starts pounding away in the corner, trying to chop down the tree, and finally does. Bret starts hitting him with move after move, with nothing getting the pinfall. He even remembers to sell his ribs after hitting the Side Russian Leg Sweep. He goes for the Sharpshooter, but Razor grabs the ref and tosses him into Bret to counter the hold. Razor goes back to the ribs, once again slowing the pace. Bret gets perched on the top rope, but slips down from there and hits a back suplex in a nice sequence. Bret goes to the second rope to hit a Flying Chindrop on Razor’s Boot. Razor calls for the Razor’s Edge, but Bret slips out of it and gets a backslide for two. Razor tosses Bret to the corner, where he takes one of his trademark turnbuckle bumps. He ALWAYS hit that one HARD. Razor locks Bret into a double knuckle lock, which Bret SOMEHOW turns into a pinfall attempt in sunset flip position. It even takes HEBNER a second to recognize that it’s a pinfall attempt. But after Razor kicks out, Bret quickly ties up his legs in Sharpshooter position, then turns him over and stands, and Razor quickly gives it up. How the hell did Bret make THAT match watchable? It was sucking in the middle, then by the time we got toward the end he really got it moving. The man was a miracle worker.

To Bobby Heenan, who, after weeks of build-up and talking about him all night, finally unveils…“The Narcissist” Lex Luger. See, we had signed Lex to a contract for the WBF (think the XFL of bodybuilding), but when that tanked, we transferred him over to the WWF. His gimmick was that he was in love with himself and looked in mirrors all day. Insert your own “not having to stretch too much for this gimmick” joke here. The one upside to this battle plan was the four thong-wearing models who escorted him to the ring at WrestleMania and held mirrors for him. Luger spends a few minutes posing for the mirrors as Bobby sings his praises, then Luger spends a few more minutes posing for the fans, then he rants about how great he is for a few more. Think “Super Posedown” only with less of a point. The one noteworthy moment is when he proclaims himself “beyond (dramatic pause) perfection,” which obviously meant he would be feuding with Mr. Perfect. Trouble is, Perfect had a “career-ending match” the following night on Raw (Raw had just started, BTW) with Ric Flair, so anyone who could put 2 and 2 together could figure out that if Luger and Perfect were gonna be feuding, obviously Perfect wasn’t losing that match. Tipping our hand there JUST a little bit.

And now, we bring out Antony and Cleopatra. No, that’s not a new gimmick, though would anyone be surprised? They are from Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas, the site of WrestleMania IX. Of ALL the music that would have to be overdubbed, it’s Antony and Cleopatra’s? I mean, it amounts to swapping out one generic Roman theme with another generic Roman theme, but still, it’s noticeable. Anyway, Antony reads a long, boring scroll “inviting” everyone to WrestleMania IX. Um, thanks, I’ve seen that show, you can keep it.

To Gorilla and Bobby, where the former hypes the Rumble and the latter gloats about having unveiled the Narcissist.

The Royal Rumble
Since Gorilla ran down the rules, Howard gets right into introducing the first entrant. BTW, this is the first year where the winner of the Rumble gets a title shot at WrestleMania, starting the tradition which remains intact today.

First Two Entrants: #1. Ric Flair, #2. Bob Backlund
So Ric gets screwed again in the drawing. Speaking of people who apparently got screwed, here’s Backlund, in the process of making his WWF return at age 43. He wasn’t making any headway with the fans at this point because his style was out of place in early 90’s WWF. He would eventually morph into the crazy-evil Mr. Bob Backlund and started drawing a TON of heat, even winning the world title one more time before getting squashed like a bug by Diesel. Par for the course, Backlund gets no reaction coming out, but this would change before the night was through. Flair and Backlund do some old school wrestling to start, and this may be the one and only time these two ever wrestled. Flair goes to the eyes and Backlund doesn’t even think to sell it, which is kind of odd. Bob does his running atomic drop, which was his finisher back in the day, then goes to try and dump him out.

#3. Papa Shango
Shango was that old standard wrestling heel, the magic-flinging, voodoo-practicing, curse-inflicting guy with a skull painted on his face. You know the type. His career highlight was making the Ultimate Warrior vomit on national television. In one of those “only in wrestling” deals, he later would morph into Kama, an ultimate-fighting ripoff, and then into The Godfather, a pimp. When Shango first started, the WWF expected him to be a top heel, as evidenced by his run-in at the end of WrestleMania VIII, though by now he…well, just watch. Shango works on Backlund on the ropes, then gets tossed out by Flair. Yep, that’s what he was by now. Flair almost tosses Backlund, but he lands on the apron. Then they get into a chop-fest, with Backlund winning.

#4. “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase
Ted was half of Money Inc. with IRS by this point, and they were the WWF tag champs. They would take part in the other half of that EPIC double main event at WrestleMania, where Money Inc. defended against Hogan and Beefcake. Yet more evidence that if you’ve never seen WrestleMania IX, you really never need to. Ted and Flair work on Backlund. Heenan: “Can you get arrested for beating up the elderly?” It progresses like this for the whole of the two minutes.

#5. Brian Knobbs from the Nasty Boys
The Nasties had turned face by this point to feud with Money Inc., though that feud never went anywhere. If Hogan hadn’t come back, they might have gone to Mania, but he did, and the Nasties never made another WWF PPV appearance. Knobbs helps out Backlund, in one of the oddest teamings I can recall, and tosses Flair over the top to the apron. We pair off, Backlund/Flair and Knobbs/DiBiase, and it stays that way until the countdown.

#6. Virgil
Virg had even LESS career momentum at this point, and had become the most prominent jobber-to-the-stars in the company. That’s kinda like being head of the mailroom at IBM. He and DiBiase get into it right away, then Virg and Knobbs team up on him until Knobbs takes a running dive at DiBiase and goes tumbling over the top to the floor. We once again pair off, Backlund/Flair and Virgil/DiBiase.

#7. “The King” Jerry Lawler
This is Lawler’s in-ring WWF debut, as he had started with the company a few months prior as co-host of WWF Superstars. He comes out in cape but sans crown, as apparently, this is the night where, in retaliation for Lawler’s rather cr*ppy payoffs when he ran Memphis wrestling, someone in the back decided to give his crown a rather cr*ppy payoff, as well. As in, someone indeed went number two in the royal headgear. The rumors flew for years about who it was, with many suspects (it almost became like a game of Clue), until the truth was FINALLY revealed by Percy “Paul Bearer” Pringle in a shoot interview with ROH in 2005. How does he know? “I watched the door!” Whodunnit? Patience, grasshopper, all will be revealed in due time, as the perpetrator of the poop heard ‘round the wrestling world is participating in this very Rumble. In any event, Jerry gets a ton of heat, as he will for the better part of the next 14 years in this company. Flair and Lawler go toe-to-toe in a moment of history that goes unmentioned by the announcers, as again, nothing outside of the WWF means d*ck. Flair bails out after Lawler beats him down, and then Flair and Lawler team up to beat on Virgil. Backlund works on DiBiase. Lawler’s airbrushed tights are a decided contrast to his later attire.

#8. Max Moon
Oy. Just oy. I give you Max Moon, perhaps the single dumbest gimmick conceived, and given the quality of gimmicks in the WWF’s lean years, that is QUITE a prize to claim. Max (who was played by Paul Diamond to start and then Konnan - yes, KONNAN - to finish…I think Diamond’s still playing him here) started life as the Comet Kid, which is a SLIGHTLY better name, and his gimmick is that he’s from outer space. He wears a dorky blue-tights-and-shirt combo with pseudo-digital printing on the sides and front, as well as padded “rings” around his knees and shoulders. And a mask, can’t forget that. Oh, and we cannot ignore the “jet pack” he wore to the ring, which belched smoke and he used to “fly” up the stairs, an effect that was accomplished by shooting a bit of smoke and having Max hop from one step to the next. In case my hard-to-penetrate prose is making this difficult to follow, this sucked. Big time. This is Moon’s one and only PPV appearance. Max hits a dropkick on Lawler, which may be the only offensive move Max got on a non-jobber in his entire WWF tenure. Whoops, spoke too soon, as he backdrops Flair out of the corner. We’re having Ric sell for MAX F’N MOON and we wonder why he wanted to go back to WCW at this point? Everyone pairs off with not much going on. Max hits a spin kick in the corner on Lawler, then tries it again and Lawler easily dumps him out. Oh, rocket man, I think it’s gonna be a long, long time till touch down brings you round again…

#9. Tenryu
Genichiru Tenryu is a star and main eventer of Japanese wrestling to this very day, who made his first WWF appearance back at WrestleMania VII. WWF fans have never been given a reason to care about him, despite his legendary status in Japan. They were just told, “Hey, Tenryu’s coming” and no one knew who that was or why that was important. If this was any other company, we’d be showing footage or something to establish him, but this is the WWF and that would mean acknowledging another wrestling company. Tenryu and Flair have a chopping contest, which Tenryu wins. DiBiase joins in the fun, and we all pair off again. Monsoon announces that Flair and Backlund have been in this for 20 minutes, but given that we’re only at #9, it’s 14 or so at most.

#10. Mr. Perfect
Perfect split from Flair and turned face back in November when the Warrior quit/got fired/etc., and of course his feud is still with Flair. They go at it right away, to big crowd heat. Flair stops Perfect with an eye poke, then gets caught going up top. Their segment takes up pretty much the whole of the two minutes, as the announcers plug the career-ending match on Raw.

#11. Skinner
The alligator man comes out with a big smile on his face, which is really out of character for him. Why could he be so happy? Maybe because of the nice present he left in Jerry’s locker room. Yep, Percy spilled the beans, it was indeed Steve Keirn who did the deed (and the doo) in Jerry’s crown. The funniest part is that both Lawler and Keirn are still working together in WWE - Lawler as an announcer and sometimes wrestler, Keirn as an agent backstage. So all those who had pegged the Taker as culprit were wrong, and congratulations to those players who had “Skinner, in the Dressing Room, with His Anus” on their Clue cards. Skinner helps Flair work on Perfect for a bit, and then a quick sequence ends with Perfect clotheslining Flair out to a HUGE pop. Not much else happens until…

#12. Koko B. Ware
Koko was now one half of High Energy with Owen Hart, and this meant, sadly, that Koko had inherited the ugly green parachute pants. They even UPPED the ugliness factor by adding checkered suspenders to the ensemble. You really have to work at it for Max Moon to have only the SECOND ugliest outfit in a Royal Rumble. Koko works on the world for a while, beating on Lawler in the corner for a bit. Skinner gets tossed by Perfect, but he skins the cat back in…just in time to get dropkicked out by Perfect and eliminated. Ah well, Steve, we all know you won the REAL prize on this night.

#13. Samu of the Headshrinkers
One of the extended Samoan family tree, he’s managed by Afa, who leads him down by the hair and literally throws him in. Samu headbutts the world for a bit. Lawler and Perfect pair off for a bit. Really not much happening.

#14. The Berzerker
I already ran down Berzerker’s career history last Rumble, so I officially have no material for this year. Well, how about his helmet? It had these big silly horns on it! Yeah, that’s something, right? Eh, not really. Anyway, Lawler gets eliminated by Perfect with a backdrop, then Perfect gets tossed to the apron by DiBiase, and while DiBiase and Koko push with their feet, Lawler grabs him from the floor and pulls him down to eliminate him. This was, I guess, supposed to start a feud between Perfect and Lawler, but it never went anywhere. Virgil also got tossed off camera while all that was going on.

#15. The Undertaker
HUGE pop for the Dead Man, who was turned face before Mania and rapidly became one of, if not THE top draw of the company. Samu attacks right away, which of course means he’s the first eliminated by the Taker. Backlund gets tossed through the ropes to the floor by the Berzerker, who then proceeds to wail on him with a chair for a while, just for fun. Berzerker slams Backlund on the floor as Undertaker eliminates Tenryu, as well.

#16. “Terrific” Terry Taylor
After the disaster that was the Red Rooster run, the WWF brought Terry Taylor back into the company for a cup of coffee in 1993, and proceeded to use him under his real name, though by that point the damage was done and he was treated like a jobber anyway. Terry and Koko pair off and fight on the ropes, allowing DiBiase to sneak up and eliminate them both. Might as well establish Taylor as a threat right away, eh? Ted gloats about it, which of course means he’s about to get chokeslammed and eliminated by the Taker. One of the eternal Rumble themes: NEVER gloat. You might as well toss yourself out of the ring right there. Berzerker works over the Taker, and out from the back comes…the Giant Gonzalez. He’s making his WWF debut, and the announcers don’t know his name yet, but the mere mention of those words brings shudders to the spine of every wrestling fan. Story in a nutshell: he’s a really tall guy who Turner signed for the Atlanta Hawks, but when it turned out he couldn’t play basketball, they transitioned him to WCW. He sucked. So, the WWF, with its keen eye for talent, decided to sign him away from Ted, and made him into the Giant Gonzalez. He still sucked. But now he had a silly painted bodysuit that made him look like Sasquatch. So he comes out with Harvey Whippleman, as that master talent scout had supposedly brought him in to get even with the Undertaker. Taker eliminates Berzerker, then has the Big Staredown with Gonzalez.

#17. Damien Demento
Demento’s supposed to be crazy, as if you couldn’t tell by the last name, but even he’s smart enough to stay the hell out of the ring while this is going on. We don’t even cut to get a shot of him entering. Undertaker walks up to emphasize that Gonzalez is, in fact, tall. Gonzalez lands a few “blows,” which Taker sells like he’s being blasted with a bazooka, leading to Taker going over the top and getting eliminated. Gonzalez beats him up outside for a while, which primarily consists of him standing still and “throwing” the Taker while the Taker runs at full speed into various ringside objects. Never say that Mark Calloway is not a company man. That he did the same for Great Khali this year is further evidence. Gonzalez hits a “chokeslam” on Taker.

#18. Irwin R. Schyster
IRS at least gets filmed entering. Gonzalez continues the assault, on the Undertaker and the audience, until he’s finally ushered from the arena. Luckily, they’d get the hint quickly with Gonzalez and he’d be out of the WWF by the end of the year. We’re STILL waiting for WWE to get the hint with Khali. The more things change…anyhow, Taker is left laying in the corner as IRS and Demento beat up on Backlund, who luckily was out on the floor during all this. You know Taker’s in trouble because the famed Zombie Sit-Up is malfunctioning.

#19. Tatanka
The Undefeated Native American (those words ALWAYS preceded any introduction of Tatanka in the early years, like we were announcing his gimmick whenever he arrived) helps Backlund out a bit. Paul Bearer finally comes out in just the nick of too late, and with the power of the urn (as evidenced by Paul saying “The Power of the Urn!” over and over again), the Taker finally rises and staggers to the back in chase of Gonzalez. Everyone in the ring pairs off, as the crowd has kinda died out after that segment.

#20. Jerry Saggs of the Nasty Boys
Oddly, Saggs apparently forgets that he’s feuding with IRS at this point, and goes after Demento instead. IRS has to come up and basically remind him, and THEN the two start facing off. Backlund is still there, two thirds of the way in, and the announcers (and the audience) start thinking about him breaking Ric’s record.

#21. Typhoon of the Natural Disasters
Typhoon has also been recently feuding with IRS as part of the Money Inc./Natural Disasters feud that turned the Disasters face, so of course he goes after…Damien Demento. What, is it the tassels? You guys just hate those tassels? Again, I say, not much going on.

#22. Fatu of the Headshrinkers
Fatu is the Headshrinker who would go on to much more fame, once he gained a lot of weight in his *ss and started wearing a thong. Yep, that’s Rikishi. In a funny bit, manager Afa and Fatu beat each other up before Fatu even enters the ring. We are still in a persistent state of not much going on.

#23. Earthquake of the Natural Disasters
Quake immediately beats on partner Typhoon, leading to a lengthy sequence climaxing in Earthquake dumping Typhoon over the top and out. Well, after that brief moment of Something Going On, we return you to our regularly scheduled Nothing Going On.

#24. Carlos Colon
Carlos is a legendary Puerto Rican wrestler and the father of current WWE star Carlito. He’s making a rare WWF appearance here. Verifying the WWF’s “if it didn’t happen here, it didn’t happen” policy, Monsoon actually calls 20-plus-year wrestling veteran Colon a “youngster.” Yep, that young whippersnapper Carlos, he was only a spry FORTY-EIGHT when this Rumble happened. Tatanka tosses Demento to the apron but can’t get him out. Seriously, guys, what is up with the Demento obsession? Yeah, his haircut is weird and he talks to his hands, but so did the Warrior and he never got gang tackled like this. And, just to add insult to injury, Demento finally gets eliminated by that promising rookie, Carlos Colon. What a future this kid has. Earthquake tries to eliminate Backlund, and the crowd screams, knowing how close to breaking Flair’s record he is. If the WWF had wanted to, they could have really given Backlund a good push after this Rumble performance, but they never did. Backlund survives to big cheers.

#25. “El Matador” Tito Santana
This is Tito’s last Rumble, but he doesn’t make much impact, sadly. Backlund eliminates Fatu with a backdrop, to a big pop. Man, they really got Backlund over on this night. How exactly did they p*ss this all away? Tito tries to eliminate Backlund, and the crowd screams again. Bob survives and we get a close-up to show how exhausted he is.

#26. “The Model” Rick Martel
And, continuing The Neverending Feud, Martel goes to work on Santana. Colon tries to eliminate Backlund and AGAIN he survives, to cheers. IRS goes for a big clothesline on Earthquake, but Quake ducks and Irwin is eliminated. Tito AGAIN tries to eliminate Backlund, and the crowd screams even LOUDER, and when Backlund lands on the apron and scoots back in, the cheers are louder still. Now, after all this buildup, and given the incredibly impressive performance he’s turning in, you might be guessing that Backlund will win.

#27. Yokozuna
Silly people, Trix are for kids. Yoko had debuted in the WWF a scant few months before this, and was rapidly being pushed up the card as new top heel. REALLY rapidly. He and Tatanka face off quickly, and that ends as it must, with the Undefeated Native American tossed out and eliminated. Colon takes a shot at it next, and he is also quickly tossed out. Well, keep trying, Carlos, you have a hell of a promising career ahead, you youngster, you. Earthquake challenges Yoko in the middle of the ring, and the crowd is up for it, bless them.

#28. Owen Hart
Owen’s entrance doesn’t even get an acknowledgement, as we’re still focused on Yoko and Quake’s showdown. Quake hits a few moves and drives Yoko back into a corner, then hits a big splash. He tries again but misses, and then a sort-of belly-to-belly suplex by Yoko eliminates Earthquake. Considering how few contenders are left at this point, the winner is pretty obvious. Yoko knocks Santana down with what can only be called a “I forgot to actually hit Tito with anything, but it’s okay because he went down anyway” move.

#29. Repo Man
Repo, showing that tremendous brainpower, goes right after Yoko, which effects Yoko about as much as a mosquito bite would effect the Stature of Liberty. The crowd cries and then cheers yet again, indicating that Backlund has survived another elimination attempt off camera. We’re too focused on Yokozuna to notice, which makes the winner EVEN MORE apparent. Everyone gangs up on Yoko on the ropes to try and toss him, to a huge pop, but no luck. The crowd then yells in agony when Yoko focuses on Backlund. Dear god, guys, how did you miss what you HAD here?

#30. “Macho Man” Randy Savage
Huge pop for Savage, the only current main eventer left in the match. It probably would have been a good booking idea to have the Taker or somebody out there to round out the final four, as this may be the weakest lineup at the end of a Rumble ever. Savage, ever the ambitious one, goes after Repo Man first. Whoa, dude, maybe you should warm up on a lesser target. The kid who got Bret’s sunglasses, maybe. Yoko dramatically tosses Santana. Saggs holds Martel for an Owen dropkick, but of course Martel ducks and of course the dropkick eliminates Saggs. Owen jumps on Yoko’s back to get his attention, and quickly wishes he hadn’t as he’s rather rudely hip locked out by Yoko. Savage eliminates Repo, meaning it is time for…

The Final Four: Bob Backlund, “The Model” Rick Martel, Yokozuna and “Macho Man” Randy Savage
Backlund is literally crawling on his hands and knees. Martel and Backlund pair off while Yoko works on Savage. Martel, after much effort, lifts Backlund on his shoulders and tries to eliminate him to more screams, and then more cheers when he survives. Martel tries a suplex, but Backlund counters it and puts Martel on the top, and then a big Backlund punch eliminates him to a HUGE pop. The look on Backlund’s face is priceless. Backlund turns his attention to Yoko, who looks mildly curious at who this older man is who is hitting him. A couple dropkicks make Yoko stagger a bit, then Backlund charges at him…and Yoko tosses him out to HUGE boos. But, Backlund sets the new record - 61 minutes and 10 seconds - which would not be broken until 2004. Hell of a performance, Bob. And they give him a huge ovation as he heads to the back, which the announcers totally ignore because Yoko’s beating on Savage. Fuji comes back to ringside to encourage Yoko on. Yoko pounds on Macho for a while, and the crowd doesn’t come alive until Savage starts fighting back. A few punches finally get Yoko staggering, a couple top turnbuckle double axhandles FINALLY take Yoko down to a knee, but then a big thrust kick knocks Savage down, and a belly to belly keeps him down. Yoko keeps up the attack, at a pace that almost makes Razor look like Chris Benoit. Okay, that’s stretching it a bit. A big splash in the corner makes Savage slump, but Yoko tries another one and Savage moves, which finally knocks Yoko down. Savage nails the big elbow…and then COVERS him. Now, seeing as how Perfect and Earthquake both made the same silly mistake with Hogan, there’s no reason to single Savage out, but this may indeed be the dumbest move in Rumble history. Don’t blame Savage, blame the bookers who wrote that as the ending. And ending it is, as Yoko kicks out with such force that it sends Savage over the top to the floor. We again overdub the cr*ppy Roman music as Antony and Cleopatra reemerge to escort Yoko out of the arena and to WrestleMania. Backlund’s performance salvages what was otherwise a pretty dull Rumble.

And we get the Still Photo Montage to close the show. We again overdub the old Rumble theme.

THOUGHTS:
Nothing on the show is actively BAD, per se, but nothing is really GOOD, either. The opener is a squash to get the Steiners over. The Rockers match ended on a good note, but was overall a disappointment. Bam Bam/Boss Man was another squash. Bret pulled a decent match out of his nether regions against Razor, but he’s been in far better. And the Rumble was one of the least interesting in its history, highlighted by great work from Backlund. Again, the quality of the DVD release is great, with only the Antony and Cleopatra music overdubbed of all things, but I certainly can’t recommend this one as a show.

Up next: Rumble ‘94! A much better show! With one exception!