Royal Rumble '95

Previously on Jeff Mac’s Royal Rumble Recaps:

-Yokozuna and half of the WWF roster stuffed the Undertaker into a casket, which lead to much Spielbergian Special-Effectery going on, and the Taker floating to the rafters promising to come back. After a lengthy angle involving a fake Undertaker, the real one returned at SummerSlam, and after settling his feud with Yoko in a much better casket match at Survivor Series, found himself feuding with Irwin R. Schyster. Hmm? Wha? Oh, I get it, death and taxes! Haw haw haw! Oh, those WWF writers and their rapier-like wit! How it slices, dices and juliennes!

-Bret Hart and Lex Luger ended the Royal Rumble as the only co-winners in WWF history, which lead to both men getting a separate title shot at Yokozuna at WrestleMania X. Thanks to guest referee Mr. Perfect, Lex once again blows his shot at the title and forever gets branded a choke artist as a result.

-Meanwhile, Owen Hart, who had turned on Bret and got to face him at WrestleMania as Bret’s warm-up match, ended up beating his brother clean and shocking the world, only to see Bret beat Yokozuna clean in the main event and win the title, thus completely overshadowing him on his biggest night. This lead to months of great matches, climaxed by Bret beating Owen in a cage at SummerSlam. Then, Bret started feuding with new mega-heel Mr. Bob Backlund, who proceeded to complete his comeback by winning the title from Bret (thanks to Owen) at the Survivor Series. Everything looked rosy for the new champion…

-…until he faced Diesel at Madison Square Garden just a few days later. Diesel had been gaining momentum as Shawn’s bodyguard/partner, and had won the IC title and tag titles (with Shawn) over the course of the year, before a bitter split from Shawn at Survivor Series. Five days later, Diesel was granted the first title shot at the new champ, and proceeded to power bomb and pin him in eight seconds, setting the all-time record for shortest match ever and becoming the new WWF champion.

And now…the adventure continues!

Royal Rumble 1995
Tampa, Florida
1/22/1995

And we open with a limo pulling up, and out hops Pamela Anderson, with a throng of WWF stars there to greet her. The idea was that she would escort whoever won the Rumble to WrestleMania for their title shot. This was in the middle of our “celebrities equal ratings” era, and every major show seemed to have SOME star attached to them. Survivor Series had featured Chuck Norris, way before any internet-based “fact sheets” made him cool.

And once again they overdub the Rumble theme, though it’s less of a loss this year since it basically means substituting one cheesy beach theme for another.

Your announcers are Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler. The DVD production crew screws up again, forgetting to blur the “WWF” on a sign right behind the announcers in the opening.

Intercontinental Title Match: “Double J” Jeff Jarrett (w/ the Roadie) vs. Razor Ramon (champion)
Jarrett was in his flashy glasses phase. The Roadie is a flunky who got paired with Jarrett when we decided to elevate him. It would later be revealed that the Roadie was in fact doing everything for Jarrett, including his singing, which led to a babyface push for him under the name “Double J” Jesse Jammes. And much later, he would finally find success and break a longstanding family curse by actually getting over as the Road Dogg. Razor had essentially been champion for the entirety of the year, with only a run by Diesel breaking up Razor’s reign. Vince makes allusions to the problems that the Roadie and Lawler had with William Shatner, in a “classic” moment on Raw. Razor controls early with punches. Fall away slam and a chokeslam send Jarrett to the floor for some bottled water from the Roadie. Jarrett climbs back in and hits a few moves, stopping to strut after each of them. He even takes Razor down and MUSSES UP HIS HAIR. Oh, man, that there’s suicide. More stalling until Razor just says the hell with it and levels Jarrett with a punch and sends him to the floor. More water from the Roadie. Back in for more stalling, this time by calling for a test of strength, which Razor wins easily. Razor messes with Jarrett’s hair in retribution. Vince mentions that Lawrence Taylor is here watching the show. This will become important. A trio of dropkicks finally puts Jarrett in control. A few missed moves waffle the momentum back and forth, climaxing with a Jarrett 2-count and then a chinlock. WE love RESTholds, clap, clap, clapclapclap. Razor powers out and gets a backslide for two, but Jarrett gets right back in control. They exchange near falls on a sunset flip spot until Jarrett gets back the momentum with another dropkick, and then a sleeper hold. A nice sequence ends with a Jarrett neck breaker for several 2-counts, despite Jarrett having his feet on the ropes. Jarrett gets whipped to the buckle, then Razor slides out and grabs his feet to pull him crotch-first to the post. As you probably can guess, this puts Razor in control. Clothesline by Ramon gets two. Razor goes for another clothesline, and Jarrett tosses him over the top, and Razor comes up favoring his knee. Roadie comes up to offer assistance to Ramon, and JUST HAPPENS to fall down and clip him in the knee in the process. The referee gets his contacts in long enough to count Razor out, giving Jarrett the win, but not the title. BUT, Jarrett calls Razor a coward and goads him into coming back in and re-starting the match. Razor keeps selling the leg as he quickly rolls up Jarrett for two. Jarrett naturally starts working on the leg, occasionally punctuated by quick pin attempts by Ramon. On the ropes, Jarrett drops on Razor’s leg twice before Ramon kicks him off and to the floor, but Jarrett is right back on the leg. Jarrett locks on the Figure Four back in the ring, but we’re in the era where babyface stars can NEVER give up (Kurt Angle changed that), so Razor struggles for a while and then break it by simply punching Jarrett in the face. I block, you don’t by Razor. Razor’s still selling the leg, even as he goes for a back suplex off the ropes, which gets reversed then reversed AGAIN by Razor for two. Razor calls for the Edge and gets Jarrett up, but the knee gives out on him and Jarrett quickly gets Razor in a small package for the three count and the title. It started kinda slow, but it developed into a pretty good match to start out.

Stephanie Wiand (no, you shouldn’t remember her) prepares to interview Jarrett, but instead sends it to Todd Pettengill (yes, we all wish we couldn’t remember him) in Pamela Anderson’s dressing room, where she shows off all the gifts sent by WWF superstars that want to bang her. Naturally, at this point in WWF history, that last part is simply implied. She seems so happy about stuffed bulldog dolls and piggy banks that it really makes you wonder why Borat’s proposal was so out of line. And then, back to Wiand with new champ Jarrett, who rants for a while about how he won and stuff.

To Vince and Lawler, who talk about the upcoming Taker/IRS match, and Lawler applauds some more for Jarrett’s win.

Irwin R. Schyster (w/ Ted DiBiase) vs. The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer)
IRS, now managed by former tag partner DiBiase, started the feud with the Taker by repossessing a dead guy’s flowers, tombstone and coffin. No, really. The dead guy’s name was classic, too: John Dough. Oh, HAR de har HAR. He then interfered at the Survivor Series and almost cost Undertaker the rematch with Yoko, but of course Taker pulled it out. I mean, if TEN guys could barely keep him down, how could ONE guy in a tie? IRS has also been showing up at shows with a couple of druids in tow, the sort of guys who would later come to symbolize the Undertaker’s followers, making their presence in this angle kinda odd. The announcers guessed non-stop about the druids’ true identity. Note: When they do this kind of thing, it’s usually a good idea for them to, you know, PAY IT OFF. Which, as you will see, they never do. IRS rants about taxes for a bit pre-match, as is his wont. This is the Big Ass Urn phase for Paul Bearer, as once the Taker returned they made Paul lug around an urn the size of a modest office trash can. We stall for a while with the Taker staring at Irwin and Irwin refusing to get into the ring. The announcers even go quiet for a while, though my guess is that they’re muting the commentary for some reason. WWF Superstar Line plug, maybe? Dropkick by IRS has no effect and Irwin bails right away. Back in and IRS uses his quickness to avoid the Taker and then bails out again. Irwin threatens Paul until Taker comes out to defend him, and Irwin runs AGAIN, back into the ring. He meets the Taker with some blows to take brief control, but a big boot stops that. Taker controls with whips and stuff, then biels him out of the corner by the tie. Old School ropewalk nails IRS, then DiBiase jumps on the apron for the old “I’ll grab the manager and his own man hits him by mistake” bit. Taker tosses IRS to the floor as an exclamation point. IRS yells at DiBiase for a bit, leading to Ted bringing the Druids out as an insurance policy. One’s tall and one’s short, but beyond that I have no idea who they are. Taker gets distracted by one of them, but even THAT isn’t enough for IRS to take control. The Taker tries the ropewalk again, but this time a druid shakes the ropes and Irwin takes him down, but EVEN THAT doesn’t put him in control. IRS clotheslines Taker to the floor, and after the Taker grabs the Druids around the throat, IRS FINALLY takes control of the match. Back in and Irwin locks on an abdominal stretch, playing the old game of “I’m not grabbing the ropes!” with the referee. Taker hiplocks out of it, but misses an elbow. IRS still in control and hits a flying clothesline, which is usually his finisher, but he proceeds to drop some more elbows, so maybe that ain’t his finisher anymore. IRS tries a splash, but the Taker Sits Up. Double knock-out spot, which I think is the first time I’ve seen the Dead Man do that spot. DiBiase distracts the ref, letting a Druid drape IRS on the Taker for 2. IRS gets tossed into a Druid on the apron, then the Taker sets Irwin up for a Tombstone, kicking Druids down from the apron the whole time he has him up there, then he drops Irwin to go after them. Another flying clothesline by Irwin takes him down, then he Sits Up again. Another clothesline misses, and a chokeslam is enough to finish IRS off. Not bad, and it had good heat. Post match, we have more shenanigans…the Druids come back in to beat on the Taker, and he easily dispatches them with chokeslams. Then in comes King Kong Bundy, in the process of making his return to the WWF as part of DiBiase’s crew, to challenge the Taker in the middle of the ring. IRS, meanwhile, nails Paul from behind and swipes the urn, distracting the Taker and allowing Bundy to wail on him from behind. IRS and DiBiase beat a hasty retreat with the urn as Bundy continues to beat up the Taker before departing. Paul encourages the crowd to cheer him on and finally the Taker stands and staggers to the back in pursuit. This would lead to a Taker/Bundy match at Mania, one of the weaker ones in the history of Taker’s undefeated streak, and to the Urn Being in Enemy Hands for pretty much the whole year.

To Pettengill with Diesel, taped Earlier Tonight. He blows off Todd’s questions. Then, to Pettengill with Bret, also Earlier Tonight. He basically says nothing. Well, that was informative.

To Vince and Lawler, who rant about how competitors feel before a big match.

WWF Title Match: Bret “Hitman” Hart vs. Diesel (champion)
The storyline: Well, there really isn’t one. Bret lost the title to Backlund at the Survivor Series, and this is his rematch, though Backlund had to be all inconsiderate and drop the belt before then. Diesel was turned face at the same event and the belt was slapped on him four days later. He is technically feuding with former employer Shawn Michaels, although the heat hadn’t been turned up on that one yet - it was more of a slow simmer which we were letting stew until WrestleMania rolled around. The crowd reaction for Diesel is pretty lukewarm, to say the least, for a guy that is supposedly our new top draw. Diesel says what’s up to Lawrence Taylor at ringside pre-match. The announcers hype how both of these guys are triple crown winners - Bret’s won all three titles twice, and Diesel has won all three of them in under a year’s time. Of course, nowadays that kind of titleholder is pretty commonplace, which is another thing which got lost with the accelerated pacing of wrestling storytelling. Since they’re both babyfaces, they pound fists pre-match as a show of respect. Bret tries to work the mat early and tempers flare and we’re suddenly trading blows, with Diesel controlling with power. Big clothesline sends Bret to the floor. More punches exchanged on the apron send him back there. So Bret takes Diesel down and tosses his leg to the post a few times. Bret, given his opening, pounces and starts working on the knee. Bret locks on a Figure Four, but Diesel makes the ropes. More leg work by Bret and ANOTHER Figure Four by Bret, and again Diesel makes the ropes. Bret, getting over a “more aggressive” persona, keeps Diesel in the hold as long as he can before breaking it. Diesel rolls to the floor, so Bret dives onto him with a tope. Brawl on the floor climaxed with Bret getting tossed to the steps. Back inside and Diesel takes control. The usual Nash offense - punches, elbows (before he “framed” them), sidewalk slam, Boss Man sit (though at this point the could run to deliver it). Bret starts firing back, but no luck. Diesel locks on a hanging backbreaker, Bret gets out and locks on a sleeper, but Diesel tosses him off. Big boot by Diesel takes Bret down again. Basically, the story is that when we’re wrestling, Bret’s got the advantage, but when we’re brawling, it’s Diesel. Clothesline from the second rope takes Diesel down, but Bret goes up again and gets caught…then Bret turns it into a pin attempt for two. The kickout sends Bret to the floor, where he unwraps his wrist tape, then proceeds to take Diesel down again and use the tape to tie his legs around a corner post, then come back in to pound on a helpless Diesel. Again, we’re toying with Bret’s newly “aggressive” nature. The ref frees Diesel, but the damage has been done and Bret takes over. Bret hits him with move after move, but nothing gets the pin. Bret tries for the Sharpshooter, but Diesel grabs the ropes before he can. A clothesline sends Diesel to the floor, and Bret dives…right into Diesel’s arms, and Bret gets run into the ringpost. Diesel calls for the Jackknife and hits it for a very slow 1...2...and here comes Shawn Michaels to break it up and start hammering Diesel. The crowd reaction for Shawn is surprisingly loud for a guy who is supposedly our top heel challenger. The referee, instead of DQing Bret, simply orders Shawn out of the ring and to the back, and the match resumes. Um, okay. Both guys get back up and Bret goes right back to work on the knee. Figure Four for the THIRD time, and this time Diesel simply punches his way out. Bret again zeroes in on the knee, then takes a run at Diesel and runs himself into the turnbuckle. Diesel starts working over the ribs. Gut wrench suplex, first time I can ever recall seeing Nash do that. Diesel tries to boot Bret in the corner but misses, and Bret AGAIN rams Diesel’s leg into the ringpost. There’s doing variations on a theme, and there’s going to the well a little too often, and I think they’re doing the latter - it just feels like we’ve run out of idea for the match. Bret then grabs a chair and hits Diesel’s leg, right in front of the ref, and he’s STILL not DQed. This is just getting silly now. We clearly want Diesel to the face here, but having Bret do things so blatant and still not get disqualified for them is just dumb. The fans start to boo Bret, which was the point all along, but then they pop when he locks on the Sharpshooter…and in comes Owen to beat on Bret and break it up, then untie a turnbuckle pad to toss Bret into it. And AGAIN, the ref simply orders Owen out and restarts the match. What the hell? Diesel struggles up and covers Bret for 2. Diesel tries to ram Bret into the exposed corner, but Bret hits his knee to stop it and tosses Diesel to it instead. Bret hammers away until he FINALLY takes him down. Diesel gets up and does the same, hanging Bret by the leg in the ropes. Diesel teases hitting Bret with a chair, but Bret frees himself. Bret stands…and then crumples back down, selling his knee. Diesel takes the bait and walks right into a small package for 2. Bret goes for a roll-up and Hebner gets bumped. Well, after all the lousy calls he’s made in this one he deserves it. And as everyone’s down and out, in come Michaels, Owen, Bob Backlund, Jeff Jarrett AND the Roadie to beat on both guys. Another referee comes in to call for the bell, since it’s clear if we left it up to Hebner this match would STILL be going on today, 12 years later. A bunch of officials come out to clear the heels out of the ring, and we officially declare the match a draw…and in come the heels again, Backlund to lock on the Crossface Chicken Wing on Bret, everyone else to pound Diesel. Diesel finally comes back and wails on everyone, then saves Bret from Backlund to a big pop. Bret and Diesel shake hands, as good babyfaces should, no matter what they actually did to each other DURING the match. Of the three big PPV matches they had, this one is clearly the weakest, but it’s not bad, either. It’s just that the KOTR match the year before and the Survivor Series match to follow were so clearly better.

To Todd Pettengill, who is geeking out like a 14-year-old boy who has found his dad’s porn collection, because Pamela Anderson is changing behind a screen in the same room as him. Pamela asks him to hand her something, and hilarity ensues.

Stephanie Wiand interviews the 1-2-3 Kid and Bob Holly. They are the “Cinderella Story” of the WWF Tag Team Title tournament, which is a nice way of saying, “The Smoking Gunns were injured and we couldn’t put the tag titles on them like we wanted to, so we are giving the rub to these two JTTSes instead.” Not that I’m being cynical or anything.

We go the announcers to waste a minute or two watching the King draw on his “Magistrator” (Lawler’s version of the Brain Scan) a picture of himself smooching Pamela Anderson. He doesn’t even have time to finish and has to EXPLAIN what the heck it is he’s drawing.

Tag Team Championship Tournament Finals: Bam Bam Bigelow and Tatanka (w/ Ted DiBiase) vs. The 1-2-3 Kid and Bob “Spark Plug” Holly
Okay, explanations: Diesel and Shawn Michaels were tag champs, then Diesel got p*ssed at Shawn and chased him out of the arena, so now they ain’t tag champs any more. So we organized a big tag team tournament to crown new champs, with the favorites being the Smoking Gunns, as they were basically the only team left in the company that we pushed with any regularity. But then, one of the Gunns got injured (a “rodeo accident,” we were told), so they were taken out of the tournament and replaced with the makeshift team of the Kid and Holly. No one expected them to do anything, and when they made the finals, no one expected them to WIN, especially since it had already been announced that the winner of the belts would be facing the returning Smoking Gunns the next night on Raw (where the Gunns’ title victory was perceived to be a mere formality). But none of us knew of The Master Plan, which dictated…well, you’ll see. Bam Bam was beginning to tease dissention toward the DiBiase Corporation, which would not pay off until after WrestleMania. Tatanka easily dominates Holly to start. A lot. He finally hits a head scissors to start getting some offense in. Bammer gets tagged in and quickly dominates both Holly and the Kid. HUGE biel across the ring by Bigelow on the Kid. The Kid, of course, would eventually morph into X-Pac, and eventually start generating what Dave Scherer called “X-Pac Heat,” meaning the fans were just plain SICK of him (in a bad way). It’s kinda sad that people forget how solid a worker the Kid always was because of the attitude and the Clique ties. Bammer tosses the Kid in the air and he catches Bam Bam in a rana on the way down. See? Bam Bam quickly regains control, though. Tatanka comes in to give the Kid more of the same. Bammer and Tatanka toy with the Kid for a while, and the crowd is pretty dead at this point. Lawler makes a joke about Sally Struthers sending the Kid food, and when Vince doesn’t get it, he feels compelled to spend a few minutes EXPLAINING it. Jerry, NEVER EXPLAIN YOUR JOKES. If Vince doesn’t get it, he doesn’t get it. Don’t waste airtime trying to make him understand. The Kid somehow backdrops Bam Bam out of the ring, and then runs Tatanka into Bam Bam to FINALLY tag in Holly. The Kid and Holly start hitting high impact stuff to come back. The crowd FINALLY starts popping for the near falls. Bam Bam pulls down the top rope on Holly to make HIM Face In Trouble now. So we once again play “Slowly Dominate the Smaller Babyface.” We are defining dull right now with the Corporation’s offense. Tatanka slams Holly, like, 3 times in a row, and it feels less like working an injury and more like he can’t think of any other moves to do. Miscommunication by the faces leads to the Kid elbow dropping his partner. Not to be outdone, Tatanka accidentally hits Bam Bam and it’s Race to Tag…and Holly wins, but the Kid’s tied up with Tatanka, so no tag. That’s kinda like the rat that made it through the maze only to get a chlorophyll gumball for his troubles. More slow domination by the heels. Holly is so dazed he even tags Tatanka. This match is getting WAY too much time for what should have been a fast-paced tourney final to pop the crowd. Both Tatanka and Holly hit a cross body block at the same time to set up Race to Tag…Tag to the Kid, House Afire. And we FINALLY pick up the pace as the Kid flies around like a superball hitting both heels. Bam Bam squashes the comeback by launching him over the top to the floor. Bam Bam slams the Kid and heads up for the moonsault…and Tatanka, who apparently forgot his contacts, hits the ropes to drop an elbow or something on the Kid, which makes Bammer lose his balance and land on his head on the mat. Holy nails Tatanka and sends him to the floor, and the Kid slowly wakes up and drapes an arm over Bam Bam, 1, 2, 3, new tag champs. Naturally, the “Cinderella Team” would lose the belts the next night to the Gunns to officially make this pointless, but then, the titles weren’t the point here anyway…

After the match, DiBiase and Tatanka split, leaving Bam Bam all alone. He wakes up and circles the ring, jawing at the fans at ringside, finally coming to…Lawrence Taylor. Bammer jaws at LT for a while, and Taylor tries to shake hands, leading to Bam Bam shoving LT down and walking away. Vince even gets off headset on commentary to add to the realism. This, of course, would lead to Bam Bam/LT at WrestleMania XI, which is basically the best “celebrity” match ever, though it’s not like there are a lot of matches that could challenge it or anything.

Highlights from Last Year’s Rumble, punctuated by interviews with some of the participants. Diesel dominates the ring and then gets helped out by his buddy Shawn. And Lex and Bret become the first and only co-winners. What will happen this year? Well, Diesel won’t dominate because he’s not in it. Neither is Bret. But Lex is, by god! And we can all expect that unchained superstar to light up the arena with his sheer charisma and…HA!!!!! I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep a straight face on that one.

And Vince slaps on his Serious Face and apologizes for what just happened to Lawrence Taylor, just to add to the “that wasn’t supposed to happen” feel.

The Royal Rumble
Finkel introduces Pamela Anderson pre-match, and she’ll be at ringside for the whole thing, though with the benefit of hindsight that probably wasn’t the brightest idea. Boy, we’ve got less than an hour left in the show, how are we gonna fit a whole Rumble in here…oh, wait, I didn’t mention that? The intervals of entry for this Rumble are only SIXTY SECONDS. Yes, from first entrant to last, this should barely take a half hour. I have no idea who thought of this, especially since there were only four other matches on the card, most of which could have EASILY been trimmed by half and accomplished the same thing, time-saving wise. Anyway, start the insanity!

First Two Entrants: #1. Shawn Michaels, #2. The British Bulldog
Michaels seems supremely confident for a guy who is looking at a hell of a mountain to climb, though with the shortened intervals it’s more like he’s The American Who Went Up a Mountain and Came Down a Hill. The Bulldog was in mid-comeback after his rather disastrous WCW stint. Shawn attacks right away to kick-start the Rumble, but Davey Boy takes over rather quickly, allowing Shawn to bump around like a pinball for a while.

#3. Jakobormaybeit’sEli Blu
One of the Harris twins (DOA, Creative Control, etc.) in their early gimmick as mountain men. The one entertaining thing they did was to stare at the TV cameras like they’d never seen anything like them before. Everyone beats on everyone a bit.

#4. Duke “The Dumpster” Droese
The wrestling garbage man. The heels beat on Duke a bit, then we pair off. Duke works on Shawn a bit.

#5. “Gigolo” Jimmy Del Ray
One half of the Heavenly Bodies. Vince keeps razzing Lawler about how whoever wins is leaving with Pamela Anderson. Everyone beats on everyone, no real flow or anything. Shawn teases elimination.

#6. Sione of the Headshrinkers
The repackaged Barbarian replacing Samu as one half of the Headshrinkers, who were now face and co-managed by Captain Lou Albano, who was looking WAY too old to still be putting safety pins in his cheeks. A clothesline by the Bulldog eliminates Jimmy Del Ray.

#7. Dr. Tom Prichard
The other half of the Bodies and he would later become the WWF’s head trainer of new talent. He’s also Brother Love’s, uh, brother. Sione almost eliminates Shawn.

#8...

Okay, HOLD ON!!! This is chaos. Between the ten seconds for the countdown and the 10-20 seconds it takes for someone to come to the ring, that leaves maybe 30-40 seconds for actual action in between entrants. There’s no way in hell to do anything with 30-40 seconds. And no one in the ring is even TRYING to do anything interesting, because who knows if we’ll have enough time to finish it before the crowd’s attention will turn to the entranceway. This whole 60 seconds thing was just an awful, awful idea, and you can tell why they never did it again. Okay, rant over, back to your regularly scheduled recap.

#8. Doink the Clown
Eww, maybe I should keep ranting. Bunch of punching and stuff, but nothing is actually accomplished.

#9. Kwang
He was a couple months away from his Savio Vega repackaging. Okay, now Vince is claiming this is the fastest-paced Rumble “since it started back in Houston, Texas!” Um, yeah, the first Rumble was in Hamilton, Ontario, dude. He should know, HE CALLED IT. Maybe for him the first Rumble on PPV was the first one that counted, but then by that logic the first WrestleMania was actually WrestleMania II. The Blu tries to eliminate Bulldog, no luck.

#10. Rick “The Model” Martel
One of our resident Rumble iron-men who won’t have to work a THIRD of his record time to win this one. Not that he has a chance in hell. Kwang tries to toss Shawn, but no luck. We’re a third of the way through and have had only ONE elimination, we better get moving quick or this is gonna be one clogged squared circle.

#11. Owen Hart
Owen doesn’t even make it to the ring before he gets attacked from behind by Bret and pummeled in the aisle in retribution for what happened earlier. Bret barely has time to finish before…

#12. Timothy Well
Half of the heel tag team Well Dunn. No prizes for guessing his partner’s last name. The crowd seems rather disproportionately excited by his entrance, until you figure out what happened was that while the cameras were focused on him, the Bulldog eliminated Owen with a backdrop a few seconds after his entrance into the ring. That’s the first big pop from this crowd all Rumble. Shawn eliminates the Dumpster, taking out Hebner in the process. Serves him right for his reffing job earlier. Timothy Well tries to do a Flair Flip for his elimination, but he’s no Flair, so it flops and the Bulldog has to throw him out a second time. And Sione eliminates the Model. And Shawn eliminates Pritchard. I mean, COME ON, you can just tell that they’re hurrying to empty the ring out so the next wave of guys can come in. Sione dumps Doink, who gets kicked from there by Kwang and eliminated. That’s the first remotely creative elimination all match.

#13. Luke of the Bushwhackers
Sigh, I was so enjoying how Bushwhacker-free this set has been over the past few discs. Jacobormaybeit’sEli and Sione go tumbling over the top together as he enters. Apparently Kwang got tossed before that, too, and no one noticed. To quote the great philosopher C-3PO, “This is madness!” Luke quickly gets tossed by Shawn, though he more than doubles the length of his 1991 run by lasting about 10 seconds. This means we’re down to Shawn and the Bulldog again. Shawn works on him a bit…a very short bit…

#14. Eliormaybeit’sJacob Blu
For a long second I think that his brother is just coming out again and we’ve simply decided to re-start the Rumble, with a more rational time length now, but no luck. He hits Shawn a few times and gets back dropped out right away. Back to Shawn/Bulldog. Bulldog tries to toss Shawn, but no luck.

#15. King Kong Bundy
The walking condominium enters to big boos, and we FINALLY get replay footage to show how Owen was eliminated. Bundy works on the Bulldog. Shawn tries to hit Bundy, who reacts rather like a whale reacts to a seagull. And I meant no slight to either man with the construction of that metaphor.

#16. Mo of Men on a Mission
He comes in one side and out the other at the hands of Bundy, his run lasting under four seconds. He may have been a serious challenger to Luke’s time if Luke’s “record” hadn’t been bogus. The Bulldog tries to slam Bundy, but no luck, and Bundy takes over, with Shawn relaxing on the far side.

#17. Mabel of Men on a Mission
Mabel and Bundy had been having a war of words over who was gonna toss who in the Rumble match, so we finally have a segment with some heat behind it. And it’s between KING KONG BUNDY and MABEL, god help us. They exchange punches, with Mabel winning, and then he starts to ease Bundy over the top.

#18. Butch of the Bushwhackers
Let us pause a moment to celebrate the fact that this is the last time a Bushwhacker will ever enter a Royal Rumble. Yay! Mabel finally succeeds in pushing Bundy to the floor and he’s eliminated. Shawn tosses Butch just to put the exclamation point on the end of their era of terror. Bulldog and Mabel almost eliminate Michaels.

#19. Lex Luger
Lex tosses Mabel out like he weighs nothing to say hello. That was impressive, you gotta say. Luger then works over Shawn, rekindling the Phantom Feud that I identified during the last Rumble. Hah, told you I was right! Their unknown-until-now hatred knows no bounds! Lex almost tosses Shawn with Davey’s help, but Shawn survives.

#20. Mantaur
Big guy who wore fur and had his hair shaved like horns. This Rumble match is his only pay-per-view appearance, ever. He beats on the faces for a while, and we pair off into teams.

#21. “The Portuguese Man-O-War” Aldo Montoya
Okay, so after he was jobber P.J. Walker, but before he was reasonably cool ECW bad guy Justin Credible, he was JTTS Aldo Montoya. And yes, his nickname is the same name as a jellyfish, which led to no end of suitable jokes among the wrestling fan base. AND he dresses like a wannabe Power Ranger, to boot. Shawn and Aldo pair off, and the future Allied Powers work to try and eliminate Mantaur.

#22. Henry O. Godwinn
Mark Canterbury as the wrestling hog farmer. Get it, H.O.G.? Amazingly, as we speak he has somehow been re-signed by WWE and is in the process of RE-FORMING the Godwinns with Ray Gordy (son of Terry), though the territory they were doing that in, Deep South, just got 86-ed as a developmental territory this week. Henry beats on most anyone. Since Henry is supposedly from Arkansas, that gives Lawler all the room in the world for a string of Clinton jokes. Camera shot of Pamela at ringside, and she looks about as interested as someone who is not particularly interested in something but is getting paid a lot to sit here.

#23. Billy Gunn
Still half of the Smoking Gunns. He pairs off with Mantaur. And that’s all I have to say about this segment.

#24. Bart Gunn
I’m beginning to formulate a new Rumble Rule: You can tell they got lazy booking a Rumble if you get a bunch of tag teams who come out one after another. Mantaur decides to jump Bart right away, just because.

#25. Mr. Bob Backlund
The “Mr.” got added when he went insane. Big heel pop, which turns into big cheers when, naturally, Bret jumps HIM too and beats the snot out of him before he can get into the ring. They can’t even drag him off before…

#26. Steven Dunn
The other half of Well Dunn, who made wrestling headlines in 2006 when he was hospitalized with an intestinal blockage, but he made a full recovery. He goes right after Aldo to start. Backlund crawls in and gets rudely clotheslined out by Luger to a big pop. So Bob and Bret go at it again in the aisle, just to foreshadow their WrestleMania match a bit. They barely get out of the entranceway in time for…

#27. Dick Murdoch
A 30-year-veteran appearing in the Rumble, which would sadly turn out to be his last match as he passed away of a heart attack the following year. He beats up the world for a bit, then tries to eliminate Mantaur.

#28. Adam Bomb
Bomb had been turned face and really got over there for a bit, but they never did anything with him at that point. Luger and Michaels tease elimination, but neither goes.

#29. Fatu of the Headshrinkers
BTW, Fatu is wearing boots for the first time in a Rumble, as the gimmick was they were trying to “civilize” the Shrinkers. This led to a memorably silly vignette where they did an ad for Speed Stick in tuxedos, which ended with them eating the deodorant. Of course, the following year we switched Fatu’s gimmick and made him a homeboy from L.A. who spoke perfect English and everything, and we didn’t even TRY to claim it wasn’t the same guy, so as you can see continuity was not a strong suit of mid-90’s WWF storytelling. He and Billy trade elimination attempts to start. Luger dumps Mantaur.

#30. Crush
This was essentially Crush’s curtain call, as he hadn’t appeared in the WWF for a while by the time this Rumble came about, and he wouldn’t appear for them again until the summer of 1996. In the interim, he had some, shall we say, legal problems, which of course meant that when he came back his new gimmick was that of a convict. Anyway, Crush immediately helps Murdoch to dump both of the Smoking Gunns as they brawl on the ropes. Steven Dunn gets tossed by Aldo Montoya. Dude, you were eliminated by the Jellyfish. That’s GOTTA sting. (BA dum DUM! Thank you, I’ll be here all week, twice on Friday!) Another shot of Pamela, who is looking exceedingly bored. And hot. But mainly bored. Heck, I’m bored, too. Now that the 60 second clock has stopped its incessant ticking this is a surprisingly listless Rumble. Vince rants about how there will never be a tie at the end of a Rumble ever again, but ironically 10 years later they DID do that as the finish of a Rumble, though that time it didn’t end as a draw. Murdoch almost eliminates Shawn, but oddly enough, Luger saves him. Lex, you hate him, remember? Don’t abandon the Phantom Feud now! Murdoch tries to headbutt Fatu, forgetting Wrestling Biology Lesson #1. A backdrop and Crush eliminates Adam Bomb. Crush is getting a surprisingly big Rumble push for someone who was essentially on his way out. Shawn eliminates Aldo pretty easily. Murdoch again nearly eliminates Shawn, and AGAIN Luger saves him for no reason. You are toying with me, aren’t you, Lex? Now you’re gonna tell me that the Phantom Feud never existed at all! My world is crushed! The room is spinning! Okay. Okay. I’m okay. I just have to keep repeating: There is no Santa Claus, and there was no Phantom Feud. Everything will be fine. Sigh. Okay, I’m back. Fatu does his 360 clothesline sell for Crush, and then Crush easily eliminates HIM, too. Man, this is a solid Rumble run for a guy who wouldn’t be on TV for another year and a half. Murdoch hits an AIRPLANE SPIN on Godwinn (boofing Shawn in the face in the process), but then gets so dizzy that he tumbles over the top himself while Godwinn BARELY hangs on. Oddly enough, everyone spreads to corners like it was time for the Final Four, except that there are five guys left. Eh, what the hell…

Final Five: Shawn Michaels, The British Bulldog, Lex Luger, Henry O. Godwinn and Crush
The heels jump on the future Allied Powers quickly. Lex comes back on Henry Godwinn and tosses him, so NOW we’re down to…

Final Four: Shawn Michaels, The British Bulldog, Lex Luger and Crush
That’s more like it. Lex slugs away on both remaining heels until they double up on him. They try and toss him in the corner until Luger fights his way out of it. Luger then climbs the turnbuckles to pound on Crush, and in the annals of Dumb Rumble Ideas, that has got to rank in the top ten, as Shawn rather casually walks up and dumps Lex to the floor. HA! YES! I told you! The Phantom Feud lives! I never doubted for a second! Yeah, so, anyway, we’re down to three. Crush and Shawn team up on the Bulldog until Crush decides to turn on Shawn, pressing him over his head…but Shawn gets out with an eye poke and the Bulldog eliminates Crush with a clothesline. We’re down to two, and it’s the same two we started with: Shawn and the Bulldog. And now, finally, after all night, the audience comes alive. They exchange blows, with Bulldog winning. He dominates and tries to press him out, but just crotches him on the top rope instead. Shawn Rides the Pony a bit until he bounces back into the ring. A big clothesline takes Shawn over the top and apparently to the floor, and even though he’s still holding onto the ropes, they start playing Davey’s music, giving the impression he won. The Bulldog climbs the ropes to celebrate…and in comes Shawn from behind to knock him over the top to the floor. The bell rings, and the referees raise Shawn’s hand. Finkel clarifies that only ONE of Shawn’s feet hit the floor, therefore, Shawn is the winner. They show a replay, and indeed, in a rather amazing bit of physical dexterity, Shawn precariously dangles for seconds on end, but his second foot never QUITE hits the floor. Shawn celebrates with Pamela in the ring, though by the time Mania happened she dumped him and escorted Diesel instead. What a tease. Anyway, the overriding story of the first two going the distance is a really good idea (one they would recycle to much better effect 11 years later in the 2006 Rumble), but the handicap of the shortened interval time makes this one a disaster. The WWF would learn their lesson, though, and they would never drop the interval below 90 seconds again.

THOUGHTS:
Nothing is actively bad on this show, really, but nothing is actively GOOD, either, and the fiasco of the Rumble’s timing ruins what is typically an un-ruin-able match. The end result is one of the weakest shows in the history of the event, one that really highlights how bad the mid-90’s were for the WWF. They really wouldn’t shake off those doldrums for a couple years yet, when the Monday Night Wars were in full swing and some guy named Austin was catching fire. But again, no complaints about the show as a DVD, with NO noticeable music edits outside of the opening theme and no major changes to the show at all.

Next: 1996! We start to get edgy! And a few REALLY big newcomers make their debut!