Forget Paris (Not the Movie)

Okay, this HAS to be a joke, right?

Let us analyze this one line-by-line, shall we?


To: The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

Man, that phrase will always trip you up when you read it, won’t it? Years later and it still feels like the most elaborate prank Allen Funt ever put on.

Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton.

And no one would probably know or care about who she was if: a.) she wasn’t hot, b.) a video of her having sex hadn’t leaked on the net, and c.) she hadn’t starred in a really bad reality series for the network that brought you such wonderfully tasteful shows like “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire” and “Temptation Island.” Oh, and almost O.J.’s book special, can’t forget that.

She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world.

The hope that they, too, will become world famous for doing practically nothing. It’s the American dream!

She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.

Um, yeah. I get plenty of beauty in my life without Paris Hilton, thank you. And a fair share of excitement. Not as much as some, but more than others, and always the lowest price of any national chain. And may I suggest that the author of this piece speak for their (most of) self when calling the public mundane. If the American public has become so mundane that they need PARIS FRIGGIN’ HILTON to be free to feel complete, we are in way more trouble than even the biggest pessimists among us have feared.

Hilton is notable for her leading roles on the FOX reality series The Simple Life and in the remake of the Vincent Price horror classic "House of Wax".

Hilton was barely “notable” in either instance, I’d say. And what, “The Simple Life” gets no quotes? And let us clarify: “House of Wax” was never a classic even before they remade it.

In addition to her work as an actress, she has achieved some recognition as a model, celebrity spokesperson, singer, and writer.

Well, bird flu has “achieved some recognition” too, and I don’t see anyone filling out any petitions about that one. And, personal opinion, to call her either a “singer” OR a “writer” demeans anyone who has ever been connected to either term. Paris Hilton on her best day couldn’t touch Judith Krantz on her worst.

As most of America now knows, Ms. Hilton was just charged in a Los Angeles court with DUI and sentenced to 45 days in Century Regional Detention Facility in California beginning on or before June 5, 2007.

Okay, statement of fact. Nothing in dispute there.

We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong.

Oh, *I* get it! Paris is being used as a sacrificial lamb! Her amazing, life-affirming celebrity status is being used against her, and she’s paying a price to teach the rest of us, the American public that hang on her every word and action, that NO ONE is above the law, not even the very hot and talentless! How dare they! How dare the California Highway Patrol use our beloved Paris for such a repulsive purpose? Notice how they have yet to - and will not - dipute the claim that their beloved Paris WAS drinking and driving, which IS a major offense, one which any of the rest of us would face punishment for. So far, the argument is that Paris should be freed BECAUSE of her celebrity, not in spite of it.

We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn't go to jail, either.

Again, no reason for believing this yet. It’s just a statement in isolation devoid of any supporting facts.

As depicted on Friday night's episode "Nancy Grace" on Headline News (May 4, 2007), countless celebrities have been "slapped on the wrist" for similar incidents recently. Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Tracy Morgan, Wynonna Judd, to name a few, were arrested and never did a day in jail after their initial arrests for drunk driving /DUI /DWI charges.

Case by case:

Nolte has been arrested several times for DUI, and in his most recent incident he was sentenced to three years’ probation, as well as random testing over that time. Not jail time, understood, but he WAS punished.

Gibson pleaded no contest to DUI, and as a result got other charges dropped, which certainly lightened his legal burden. He got, in order, 3 years probation, a 90-day alcohol abuse program, 12 months of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, a $1,300 fine and a 90 day restriction on his license. Again, no jail time, but he wasn’t just released with time served and sent on his merry way.

Morgan has been arrested twice on DWI - the first time, in 2005, he got 3 years probation and a fine. After the most recent arrest, he was sentenced to wear a bracelet which will test his skin for alcohol vapors every 30 minutes. If he’s caught twice during that time frame, he will be going to jail.

Judd also pled guilty to the charges and her license was suspended for a year. She was sentenced to 200 hours of community service and placed on probation, as well.

Hilton was arrested in September for DUI and pled no contest. She got (SURPRISE!) 3 years’ probation and had to pay a $1,500 fine. Hmm, sounds like she got EXACTLY THE TREATMENT everyone else got, doesn’t it? THEN what happened is, the L.A. attorneys asked for the jail sentence because she violated said probation, THREE TIMES, by speeding (with her headlights off - no jokes, please), driving with a suspended license, and then not enrolling in the court-ordered alcohol program within 21 days of sentencing. In other words, she was arrested, given the same punishment as everyone else, got caught violating probation multiple times, which, in turn, means jail time. So much for the “Paris the Martyr” angle.

Rappers Busta Rhymes and Eve still walk free after both being arrested for the same charges as Ms. Hilton just this past week.

Rhymes has yet to be tried for the charges against him, and just rejected a plea bargain that would have put him in jail for a year. He still faces massive jail time. The Eve charges were just filed, and she hasn’t even been arraigned yet.

Brandy's California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI was evidenced in her accident, resulting in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today, never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED most likely due to her reckless driving!

The case may still be pending in the Brandy investigation - the California Highway Patrol recommended in January that she be charged with Vehicular Manslaughter, which could carry a sentence of one year in jail and a $1,000 fine. She’s also being sued for $50 million by the family of the woman who died.

Yet, Paris Hilton did not hurt, injure, or kill anyone or anything, and yet she must do jail time.

Because, while not hurting, injuring or killing anyone, she was violating the terms of the probation she was sentenced to when she pleaded no contest to the charge of DUI. Again, what’s the problem?

This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake. Please allow her to her return to her career and life.

I’ll be nice and not ask the author to define “career” in connection with Ms. Hilton.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Like you, writing this?

She didn't hurt or kill anyone, and she has learned her lesson. She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday. She is distraught and understandably afraid.

I’m sure she was all these things back in December when she was sentenced. You saw how long THAT lasted.

WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT to save our Paris from ending up at the Century Regional Detention Facility! Please sign to tell The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of the State of California, to think about the welfare of this young woman who has made a mortal error and deserves a second chance like so many others in our great nation have been served with after a mistake they have made.

She MADE a mistake. She was GIVEN a second chance. She blew it. Tough break.

If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton.

A-HEM. If you wanted to strike a sobering and appropriate note to drum up support, comparing Hilton to Nixon was NOT the way to go. We could go all day about why exactly Ford pardoned him. But come ON, you’re comparing a scandal that rocked the country to its very core to a young socialite who got caught violating probation. The two scenarios are not exactly compatible. And if you wanted to get Arnold on your side in this, one must also point out that pardoning Nixon KILLED Ford’s political career. Not exactly the note one wants to play at this point in your argument.


Look, dude, there are plenty of things in life which are worth fighting for. Truth. Love. Pride. Social injustice. Poverty. The environment. Health care. And on, and on, and on. Tons of issues which deserve the kind of passion and attention that you demonstrate here. There is so much good to be done, and we all have such a brief flicker of time in this grand universe to do it in. Do you REALLY want to waste any of it fighting to keep a billionaire socialite out of jail for a month and a half?