All the Men in My Life Keep Getting Killed by Candarian Demons

(From "Evil Dead: The Musical," which recently had a brief stint off-Broadway. You can hear the song in full, along with other samples, on the official MySpace page for the soundtrack, which is in stores now. Other sample song titles: "What the F*** Was That?" and "Ode to an Accidental Stabbing." In other words, if you haven't picked this up yet, YOU SHOULD.)


Lyrics by George Reinblatt
Music by Frank Cipolla, Christopher Bond, Melissa Morris and George Reinblatt

ANNIE:
All the men in my life
Keep getting killed by Candarian demons

ASH:
(spoken)
All the men in your life keep getting killed by Candarian demons?

ANNIE:
First there was Ed
A really nice guy
Didn’t talk too much
But I didn’t mind

I was all set
To marry him
But before we could consummate
Ed was killed
By a Candarian demon

ASH AND JAKE:
Candarian demon, Candarian demon, Candarian demon

ANNIE:
Then it was Daddy

ASH AND JAKE:
Daddy

ANNIE:
Who I could count on

ASH AND JAKE:
Ah-ooo

ANNIE:
He loved to read the Necronomicon

ASH AND JAKE:
Book of the Dead

ANNIE:
He also enjoyed

ASH AND JAKE:
Ah-ooo

ANNIE:
Playing board games

ASH AND JAKE:
Good family fun

ANNIE:
But he can’t sink my battleship now
‘Cause Dad was killed
By a Candarian demon

ASH AND JAKE:
Candarian demon, Candarian demon, Candarian demon

ANNIE:
They say love is cruel
And I believe them
My heart’s always bro-ho-ho-ken
‘Cause the men in my life
Keep getting killed by Candarian demons

(spoken)
Why???

JAKE:
(spoken)
I don’t know…

ASH:
(spoken)
Annie, baby, I know it seems bad now. It always does. But I think you’re exaggerating a touch, sugar bee! I mean, sure, your father and fiancé were killed by Candarian demons, but that’s only two men, isn’t it? I mean, there’s no way that ALL the men in your life could have been killed by Candarian demons!

ANNIE:
(spoken)
Oh, no?

(sung)
It was high school

ASH AND JAKE:
High school

ANNIE:
Senior prom

ASH AND JAKE:
Oh, yeah

ANNIE:
Going with my steady, Howie Brahm

ASH AND JAKE:
Howie Brahm

ANNIE:
A perfect night

ASH AND JAKE:
Howie Brahm?

ANNIE:
Like I always dreamed

ASH AND JAKE:
Little girl’s dream

ANNIE:
But when “Stairway to Heaven” began
Howe was killed by

ASH AND JAKE:
Damn!

ANNIE:
…A Candarian demon

ASH AND JAKE:
Candarian demon, Candarian demon, Candarian demon

ANNIE:
All my college boyfriends and my one-night stands
My male co-workers and platonic gay friends

ASH AND JAKE:
Hey!

ANNIE:
Every date I go on ends in demon bloodshed
And now that I’ve met you two guys,
I know you’ll soon be dead!

ASH AND JAKE:
(spoken)
What the fu-

ANNIE:
They say love is cruel
And I believe them
My heart’s always bro-ho-ho-ken
‘Cause the men in my life
And I mean all the men in my life
Every single man in my life
Keeps getting killed
By Candarian demons

ASH AND JAKE:
Candarian demons…