Jigsaw's Bucket List

Found on a pad of paper next to John "Jigsaw" Kramer's makeshift hospital bed...

Phew! Got a lot to get done before I croak. Okay, lessee...

-Design and build traps for the two games that will be going on simultaneously while I'm dying. No, wait, make that three games, Amanda's being tested, too. (Hope she doesn't see this note.)

-Kidnap and set up the 3 victims for Jeff's game. The woman and the judge, no prob, but the medical student may be a bit of a hassle. Those young whippersnappers today...

-Kidnap and set up the 3 victims for Rigg's game. Oh, wait, that's 5 victims, need to grab the lawyer and some other guy for the collar trap. Geez, how many people are involved in this one?

-Oh, shoot. Gotta kidnap Jeff, Rigg and Jeff's wife, too. That makes, what, 11 in all? Whoa, hope I'm not forgetting anybody.

-To Buy: 400 yards of rusty chain, freezer-proof tubing, at least 30 decomposing pig corpses, a rack (what's the best deal one can get on those these days?), an automatic hair puller, eye gouger, 3 different guns and corresponding bullets, exploding collar, a few motors, large block of ice...no, make that THREE large blocks of ice (got a kooky idea!), an electric chair (non-functioning is ok), miscellaneous timers, 15 or so monitors and oodles of security cameras, parts to make more of those damn dolls, and, of course, about 50 mini-cassette recorders and tapes. Hope Sony's happy, I'm single-handedly keeping their micro-cassette division in business.

-Oh, darn it...kidnap Jeff's daughter, too. That makes 12.

-Record enigmatic and creepy narration for each trap on micro-cassette or VHS. Be careful not to switch tapes accidentally. That poor guy in the guillotine who ended up watching "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" never stood a chance.

-Coat post-mortem cassette with wax and swallow. Need to add one candle to the Buy list. Preferably unscented. Don't wanna die with the smell of "Lilac Paradise" or something on my breath.

-Go over battle plan with Amanda and Hoffman. Apart, if possible, they don't know about each other yet. Or do they? Damned if I can remember.

-Get files on next set of victims for Hoffman. Of course, only Hoffman has access to those files, so...get Hoffman to get files. Then give them back to him.

-Plan out next set of traps for next game for Hoffman, but he can build them his own damn self. I got enough on my plate as it is, doncha think?

-Okay, if Amanda kills Jeff's wife and if Jeff kills her, then if the FBI guy kills Jeff after Jeff kills me, remind Hoffman to close the door behind him. If any of the ifs don't happen...um, haven't thought that far ahead. Let's just hope it all works out. Fingers crossed!

-Watch "Citizen Kane." This is probably my last chance. Have Amanda make popcorn in the incineration pit.

-Oh, crap...kidnap the female cop for the rib-split trap. That's 13. That's the last one. I'm sure. If I'm wrong, may my throat be cut with a buzz-saw. Oh, yeah...

-Add buzz-saw to the Buy list.