Why?

Why?

It is the most often-asked question in the wake of a tragedy, and the least often answered. At least, answered to any degree of satisfaction.

It is the question that I wish I could ask Chris Benoit right now. One I know will never be answered. And even if he were in a position to answer it, I doubt any explanation would ever be enough.

Barring a massive change of evidence in the days to come, it is now apparent that Benoit murdered his wife Nancy and his son Daniel over the course of the weekend, and then hung himself in his basement.

The natural, human response is one of anger and grief. But as I sit here, writing and trying to define my feelings, I also find myself in a state of confusion and dismay, one which will almost certainly never be completely lifted.

I've been following the news coverage, updated by friends over the course of the day (I was working), not really wanting to listen, because then it would become real. But it is real, and it is small-minded and naive of me to behave any other way.

A woman and her child are dead. A man I respected, a man whose professional success I vocally supported, a man who I thought of more highly than almost any other individual in his profession - he killed them.

Chris Benoit killed his wife and child. And then he killed himself.

And those of us left behind can do nothing but ask the eternal, unanswerable question - why?

In my position - as an individual who was simply a fan of the man's work - I am distraught and confused and angry. I cannot imagine what it is like for those who were his friends and co-workers. The same individuals who last night spoke so eloquently of how much they loved and cared for Chris, and how much they believed that Chris loved his family.

How do you deal with that? How do you reconcile the image of a man you knew and cared about and the image of the same man murdering his family?

What demons overtook you, Chris? Were they of a psychological or chemical nature? What brought you to this point?

WHY, goddammit, why?!?!? She was your WIFE. He was your SON. The boy was SEVEN YEARS OLD. Why did you decide to end their lives in cold blood? Why couldn't you stop yourself? Was the guilt you felt what caused you to end your life, as well?

I shout these questions in rage and sorrow, and no answers will arrive. And even if they could, the result would still be the same. Nancy and Daniel are dead.

The man who killed them - the only man who could possibly answer these questions - he is dead, too.

Those of us who are on the outside looking in are left with a disquieting reminder that no matter what, we can never really "know" those we watch perform, whether they be wrestlers or actors or sports heroes or anyone. We are separated by a wall of "persona," keeping the real person out of arm's reach.

The "Chris Benoit" we knew would never have done such a thing. But Chris Benoit did.

For those on the inside - those who worked with him and loved him - the questions are far more numerous and far more disquieting.

There will be a wrestling show tonight. ECW on the Sci-Fi channel. They are also taping Smackdown for Friday at the same event. Previously, when tragedy has struck the wrestling world, the act of watching a show was almost therapeutic, a chance to share in the grief while serving as a reminder that life would go on.

But for now, I can see no healing in watching ECW. Or Smackdown. Or any wrestling product. For now, I can only see pain and sadness.

It may be a while before I watch a wrestling show again.