New Song! Would love feedback, yadda yadda...

(When it rains it pours, as far as muses go, I guess. Wrote this one last Saturday, been polishing up the lyrics ever since. My dear friend Heather is the co-author because she provided some key information on the subject matter which helped shape the song into what it is now. Imagine this one as an upbeat Vaudeville number, light and bouncy, but with a distinctly cynical edge. Oh, and there's NOTHING in this song that could be read as any kind of social commentary on a current cultural trend. NONE.)

Secret Cures They Don’t Want You to Know
by Jeff McGinnis and Heather Cloete

If you take all the glue you can find in your home
And just mix with some broth, stir just once with a comb
Then, just pour on your head, for as long as you please
And voila, just like that, you’ll have no more herpes

And I hear you say, why ain’t I heard this before
When I went with these symptoms to see my doctor
But I’m telling you straight, you can take it from me
For the truth only comes from a guy on TV

These are the…
Secret Cures They Don’t Want You to Know
So count yourself lucky you’re watching my show
Then, open your wallet and send in your dough
I’ll tell you all the cures they don’t want you to know

If you got some Palmolive, you can clear that rash
All you need to cure gout, you have got in your trash
And if you should pick up just a touch of scurvy
Just sit back and play that new Beyonce CD

If you want all these treatments, don’t just sit and stare
And ignore all conventional medical care
They just want all your cash, they ain’t selfless like me
Sure, my book’s 40 bucks, but worth every penny

These are the…
Secret Cures They Don’t Want You to Know
So count yourself lucky you’re watching my show
Then, open your wallet and send in your dough
I’ll tell you all the cures they don’t want you to know

If you get chicken pox, munch on some pop rocks
If your fever’s too high, give play doh a try
If you’re feeling depressed, kiss a hamster named Jess
If you catch the bird flu, play a nice game of Clue
If you’re covered with warts, chug bleach by the quart
If you have STDs, take a hike through the forest
With lunch lady Doris
Then try not to bore us
With all of the stories
She tells of the glories
Of Tater Tots served with grilled cheese…

Now I know what you think, it’s too good to be true
Can they really do all that I say they can do?
Well, my friends, don’t you fear, you have my guarantee
If my remedies fail, then your shipping is free

So come on, take the chance to get back at the jerks
Who have actually learned just how everything works
And give me my reward for my minimal toil
Swing on by just to try out my new-age snake oil

These are the…
Secret Cures They Don’t Want You to Know
So count yourself lucky you’re watching my show
Then, open your wallet and send in your dough
I’ll tell you all the cures they don’t want you to know

(chorus joins in)

These are the…
Secret Cures They Don’t Want Us to Know
We buy what you say, and we’ll reap what we sew
So, give us our Kool-Aid, we’ll give you our dough
And perform all the cures they don’t want us to know

(repeat to fade out)