JeffMac's Blog of Optimistic Pessimism

An Open Letter to Jim Ross

2010-06-16T17:15:00.001-07:00

Written by Jeff McGinnis

Dear Mr. Ross,

I hope, if you do read this letter, you take it in the manner in which it is being written. This is not hate mail, nor is it "flaming" you, which as a writer of a blog I am sure you have had much exposure to, as I have as well. I am a big fan of yours, sir, and believe you to be the greatest wrestling announcer who ever lived. So I hope you'll respond to this letter in the spirit of open debate.

I, like many fans, were outraged and disgusted by the release of Brian Danielson from WWE this past Friday. In an effort to express my displeasure, I wrote a column which was eventually posted on several websites, including PWInsider.com.

In this column, I criticized WWE for the action, and what has been widely reported as its cause, namely Danielson's use of a tie as a foreign object. I connected this decision directly to WWE's "PG"-oriented programming.

It has been reported numerous times in the wrestling media that one of the main motivating factors in the push to become more "family friendly" is Linda McMahon's Senate campaign. It doesn't take much effort to look at the timeline and note that the change in programming happened concurrently with McMahon's campaign for a seat on the Connecticut Board of Education -- which, it was noted at the time, was her first step toward running for the Senate.

Therefore, I felt a connection could be made between Danielson's firing and the McMahon Senate campaign, and said so in my story. Ergo, I hope you understand that I feel the need to respond to your recent blog, in which you took an editorial which made that connection to task.

Now, I am not so vain as to think your writing was about me. The email you wrote in response to was anonymous, while mine was clearly signed. Also, that author apparently made the claim that someone directly connected to the McMahon campaign made the order to axe Danielson, like some kind of Mafia-style hit. I made no such statement. But still, the general argument was the same.

And while I respect you immensely as a broadcaster, and while you clearly have much more experience within the wrestling business than I do, I still must stand by my earlier argument.

The first notion you challenge is the idea that Vince McMahon's actions would never be dictated by an outside force. While McMahon's controlling nature is well-documented (to confirm this, we'd just have to ask your former broadcast colleagues), it is also extremely difficult to believe that as shrewd a businessman and as canny a promoter as McMahon would have made such a nonsensical decision entirely on his own.

Four days after being involved in an incredibly effective storyline, wherein they were involved in the decimation of his company's flagship personality, Danielson was fired -- right when he was at his point of highest popularity and visibility, virtually handing TNA a main-eventer if Danielson chose to go there. I can't believe that McMahon would be so stupid to make this decision of his own accord, and several reports indicate that this was, indeed, a result of pressure put on the company from an external force. Not necessarily from the Linda McMahon campaign, but from somewhere other than Vince himself.

And the relationships that have led to such stringent guidelines being enforced on WWE programming, whether from networks, sponsors, business partners or whoever, are all seemingly connected to Linda McMahon's decision to run for office. These absurd guidelines have led to turning segments of older footage black and white just because they feature blood, the immediate stoppage of any match when a competitor receives a cut, and any number of arbitrary ideas of what makes something okay for family consumption -- all of which started right when Linda's political career began.

Now, the argument could be made that Danielson's dismissal owed more to the Chris Benoit tragedy than the PG guidelines. The choking of someone with a foreign object brings up too many bad memories, I suppose. But that was nearly three years ago now, and I find it hard to believe that WWE really felt an audience would still make such a connection. And all indications from respected news sources are that WWE officials were incredibly pleased with the angle in the immediate aftermath -- hardly the horrified reaction one would expect if Danielson's dismissal were their decision alone.

Granted, I am not an insider with the same track record within the company as you have. But right now, we fans have to make due with whatever knowledge we can get from secretive sources, such as the ones you so deride in your blog. Lord knows no one else is talking. Not Danielson, not McMahon, and especially not anyone in WWE -- the media embargo has seen sure to that.

As my friend J. Michael Bestul has pointed out, when you do something genuinely puzzling and provide no reason as to why it was done, people will fill the information gap with whatever they can. This would be solved if WWE would be a little more transparent to the media, a policy that has long been rejected by the WWE's hierarchy.

So right now, all we have are those "anonymous sources" you discuss. And they must stay anonymous, lest they lose their jobs. All we can do as fans is find news through journalists, who often rely on anonymous sources just like -- gasp -- in the real world. And just like in politics, it's up to us as fans to discern the reliable, reputable news sources from the poor ones. And in this case, every single reliable source I trust is telling the same story. While it's not the "conspiracy theory" your blog illustrates, it's one that raises a number of troubling questions about how WWE is conducting its business these days.

If we're wrong, let WWE tell us why. But when a company leaves people in the dark, they shouldn't scold us for grasping for a light switch. Especially in a situation as utterly incomprehensible as this.

At the end of your editorial, you call the quoting of anonymous sources "stupid," and then, quoting the oh-so-witty comedian Ron White, you say, "You can't cure stupid."

Actually, the line is, "You can't *fix* stupid." Personally, I've always found that line incredibly ignorant. Yes, you can fix stupid. It's called "educating." And it's something WWE has been very reticent about doing in recent years.

Sincerely,
Jeff McGinnis

Email Jeff at PopGoesJeff@gmail.com

The Politics of Hypocrisy: Why the Best Wrestler in the World Was Suddenly Fired

2010-06-14T11:01:00.000-07:00

(I wrote this over the weekend, with an eye on publishing it in the Free Press. I decided against sending it in for a few reasons, not least of which being the remaining possibility that this is an elaborate ruse by WWE. But I decided to post it here, because if what happened is NOT a scam, there are things I feel that need to be said.)

The Politics of Hypocrisy:
Why the Best Wrestler in the World was Suddenly Fired
Written by Jeff McGinnis

Professional wrestling is a bizarre business, a product of fantasy built on a façade of lies and ego. For over 100 years, audiences have been exposed many unique and colorful characters, and some truly unbelievable storylines. The funny thing is, for anyone who’s taken a glimpse behind the curtain, often the story of what happens behind the scenes is even more unbelievable than what is shown on camera.

Such is the case this week, with the apparent WWE firing of Bryan Danielson.

Danielson is the best wrestler in the world. This was his nickname while he competed on the independent scene, but it is also my honest opinion. For years, Danielson had honed his craft, putting on classic matches in every promotion he worked in, and earning the respect of fans everywhere. Finally, last year, Danielson signed a deal with World Wrestling Entertainment.

How WWE used his talent was questionable, to say the least. He was put on a new show called NXT, designed as a way to introduce “rookies” to the fans. His name was changed to “Daniel Bryan” for reasons that can only be guessed at. He was never permitted to win a match on the show, giving the impression that he was a loser who couldn’t hang in the “big show.”

Finally, on Monday June 7, Danielson took part in something memorable. All the cast members of NXT were shown storming the set of WWE’s flagship show, “Raw,” and laid waste to everyone on the show. It was a new twist on the classic wrestling “invasion” storyline, but the fans clearly were interested. Danielson was a big part of the moment, and it seemed as though he would finally get a chance to demonstrate his skills on a national basis.

Until five days later, when WWE announced he had been released from his contract.

Many fans, myself included, assumed this was a storyline twist -- in wrestling parlance, an “angle.” They wouldn’t really fire him, right? Not five days after the hottest storyline in years. Not Danielson, the picture of professionalism and ability. Not the man who many described as “the kind of guy you want a locker room full of.”

But no, apparently, this is very real. And it happened for the most ludicrous reasons imaginable.

See, Linda McMahon, former CEO of the company and wife of WWE founder Vince, is running for senate in Connecticut. It is largely a fool’s errand, and it’s extremely unlikely she’d win. This is made apparent by the current polls, which currently show her holding a 20 point deficit to her prospective Democratic opponent, Robert Blumenthal, despite the Vietnam service scandal Blumenthal is currently saddled with.

WWE, in a transparent effort to maximize Linda’s chances of winning, made a dramatic shift in their programming ever since her political aspirations were first made known. Suddenly, the company which built its profits in the 1990’s with raunchy and vulgar storytelling was to be “family friendly” once more. All shows were now branded TV-PG. Any blood would not be tolerated. No foul language or gestures. And any explicitly violent actions were banned.

That’s right -- to paraphrase Jim Cornette, a show basically about gratuitous violence was now attempting to ban gratuitous violence.

Part of this massive whitewashing of WWE’s image was an edict that there would be no choking with foreign objects. This rule was probably inspired not only by Linda McMahon’s lofty political goals, but by the wake of the 2007 tragedy where wrestler Chris Benoit strangled his family before committing suicide. An understandable change, I suppose.

But that leads us to June 7, where, as part of the big invasion, Danielson was briefly seen choking ring announcer Justin Roberts with his tie. Small thing. In the heat of the moment, who would have even noticed? The segment featured eight men beating down WWE champion John Cena viciously for minutes on end. Surely, one moment of Danielson using a man’s neckwear as a weapon was forgivable.

Apparently not. Danielson was released for that one violation.

Putting this in context, wrestling news is often filled with stories of talent getting into altercations, trashing hotel rooms, behaving unprofessionally (even childishly) and the like. More often than not, these people are barely even punished for their actions.

And here’s Danielson. A man who, by all accounts, is a joy to work with. And after one violation, he’s shown the door. Apparently because he committed the greatest sin of all -- he could have created controversy that could have damaged Linda McMahon’s political chances.

The sheer hypocrisy of it all is enough to make one’s head explode. This is a company that has told stories involving murder, gunplay, rape, necrophilia, arson, incest, miscarriages, blatant racism, and on, and on, and on. And now, in a laughable effort to bolster McMahon’s meager Senate hopes, they’re suddenly playing nice, like a slob who combs his hair in an effort to look “presentable.”

And the latest sacrifice to the alter of McMahon ego is one of the best talents of his generation. A man who did everything the company asked of him, even when it was ludicrously damaging to his image. And in return, he was made a scapegoat and shown the door.

Of course, this is wrestling. It may turn out that this was simply an incredibly elaborate storyline, and any outrage is in vein. But for now, all indications are that it is very real. And if that is indeed the case, then Danielson’s firing makes clear the horrendously misguided priorities by which WWE’s business is apparently run.

Concerning my virginity...

2010-05-06T22:06:00.000-07:00

I texted the following to my pal Lia this afternoon, and I think it sums up pretty succinctly how I view the subject.

"...social pressures and the guys on the radio show ride on me for being single and a virgin, like they're both failures. Me? I like who I am. I like what I am. Love has screwed me up bad in the past. Not jumping in again unless I know I can handle it. And who I am is not dictated by whether or not I've put my junk in a girl's cooch, thank you. Sex without love is just slightly enhanced masturbation."

Nuff said?

The Bad News and the AWESOME News

2009-10-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

I can finally reveal to everyone both halves of the secret I have been bursting with for two days. Pardon my silence, but for one half, I was asked to keep it quiet, and for the other half, I didn't want to say anything until I was sure it was happening.

First, the bad news...I didn't win the Face of Fox Toledo competition. Congrats to Ashley, who I'm sure will do an awesome job. Naturally, I was bummed, but still, I know that I did as well as I could. I can walk away from the experience with my head held high, knowing I gave it everything I had.

And, as I've said, the amazing, awesome, unbelievable support I got from all you guys has made it all worthwhile. From everyone who supported me every step of the way, to those who posted links asking others to watch my video on Facebook (Abby, Lindsey, Christen) to those who watched my video countless times on their computer (Abby, Lindsey, Christen, Lia, Gretzinger, Caitlin, so many, if I'm forgetting anyone please let me know! :) ), I appreciate it all more than I could ever say. You guys are just incredible, and I love you so very much.

But now...the rest of the story.

After she told me I hadn't won, the Fox producer asked me if she could forward my contact information to the editor-in-chief of the Toledo Free Press, Michael Miller, who has been a judge in the contest from the beginning. It seems he took an interest in me from my first audition, and had a proposition for me. I said of course she could.

Mr. Miller called me later that afternoon, and he had me into his office for a meeting today. As soon as I walked in and saw action figures of Rorschach, Dr. Manhattan, Batman, Superman and others lined up behind his desk, I knew I was home.

I start writing a weekly arts/pop culture column for the Toledo Free Press later this month. I’ll also be conducting interviews for the paper’s website.

To say I’m thrilled is a gross understatement. As I stated to Mr. Miller during the interview this afternoon, he’s basically offering me my dream job. And I’m grabbing on with both hands and running with it.

This has been a remarkable, roller-coaster experience. Thank you guys once again for all the support - I could never have done it without you. But I think the real adventure has only just begun.

Excelsior! :)

Psst. Hey, Over Here.

2009-09-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

I MADE THE FINALS OF THE FACE OF FOX TOLEDO COMPETITION!!!!!

The call came this morning, but I couldn't tell you guys until the list was posted this afternoon...there is actually a top 6, not 5, as Whitney Brownfield and Ashley Johncola both were awarded "co-fan favorite" status, but...I'm in!

Once again, none of this would have been possible without the amazing support and encouragement of you guys. I have the greatest friends in the universe. Much of what I say on this blog is opinion...that last sentence is FACT.

Thank you to everyone who watched my video, made a comment on the Fox page, expressed their enthusiasm, encouraged me, or anything. You all rock. Hard.

A special thanks to Abby, Lindsey and Christen for their incredible efforts on my behalf. I don't deserve you guys, but I am so happy you are my friends.

All right, time for the finals, and from here on I'm on my own. Last audition is Monday. Wish me luck! Fingers crossed!

Now LOOK What You Guys Have Done... :)

2009-09-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

So, last Wednesday, the videos of the 14 finalists got posted on FoxToledo.com.

After 24 hours, the leader, Whitney Brownfield, had over 1,000 views.

I had 37. Thirty. Seven. That's less than two views an hour. To put it in pop culture terms, that's five less than the answer to the Ultimate Question, or the exact number of guys Veronica...um...well...in "Clerks."

Then, a couple of my closest friends sprung into action. Abby, whose support through this process has been invaluable, posted several notes in support of me on Thursday. Then Lindsey, my favoritest person in the world, posted several on Friday. Their fervor and support completely bowl me over, and I am incredibly lucky to have them both as friends.

By Friday, my number had gone up to 243. Over 200 more than the day before. Over the weekend, the counter did not update, so I didn't know until this morning what the views were like over the weekend.

And then, this morning, I saw this:

8. Jeff McGinnis - 1,454

Unbelievable.

To put this in perspective, Whitney, the leader, had nearly 6,000 votes on Friday. Today, she has a little over 6,500. Which means I had more views over the weekend than the contestant who has been the runaway leader in the web polling all along.

You guys are just awesome. I can never thank you all enough for all your support. To everyone who has watched one of my videos this weekend (or watched one a couple hundred times!) I am eternally grateful. I love you all so much.

And a special thanks to Abby and Lindsey, my two most vocal and hardcore supporters. I owe you two the biggest hugs ever when this is over.

BUT...it ain't over! We still got two more days, people! If you wanna watch my video, votes'll be counted until the 23rd at midnight! So head on over to FoxToledo.com (or, to borrow a phrase, Just You Click here: http://bit.ly/6Y67L)! The 5th place contestant is only 500 views away!

I love you all!!!!!

Ahem.

2009-09-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

I made the Face of Fox Toledo Top 15! http://tiny.cc/Ddo7z

I got word this morning, but waited until the official list was posted before I announced it here.

Thank you all SO very much for your support, I love you! Wish me luck in the second round of auditions! :)

The Power of Social Media (to Make People Jump to Baseless Conclusions)

2009-09-08T15:14:00.000-07:00

True story:

Bob Barker hosts Raw.

Bob does a good job, and people enjoy it.

People, thus, decide to talk about it on social sites like Twitter.

Enough people on Twitter talk about Bob that "Bob Barker" shows up in Twitter's "Trending Topics" sidebar.

Other people, seeing Bob Barker's name in the Trending Topics, jump to the logical conclusion: He must have died.

Now even more folks on Twitter are talking about Bob, asking if he's passed away, and more people correcting them. This leads to Bob's name getting even higher on the list, more people asking, and the cycle repeats itself.

It gets to the point that some news sources actually have to run a full fledged story confirming that no, Bob Barker's not dead.

That's right...

Unh!
Bob Barker's not deeeeeaaaad...
I'm so glad Bob Barker's not dead.
Bob Barker's not deeeeeaaaad...
I'm so glad Bob Barker's not dead.
Bob Barker's not deeeeeaaaad...
I'm so glad Bob Barker's not

Just the claps! Just. The. Claps.

An Admittedly Imperfect Analogy

2009-09-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

Two men. One in a lifeboat, one in the sea.

The man in the sea says, "Help me! Please!"

The man in the lifeboat says, "Why? I had the foresight and ability to procure a lifeboat. You didn't. Why should I save you and cost myself energy, time, and a portion of my supplies? Frankly, your laziness and lack of personal responsibility disgusts me."

"But I'll drown," the man in the sea says.

"As far as I'm concerned, what happens to you is none of my business," the man in the boat says.

He turns and rows away.

That's what the debate really means to me. Are we, as a nation, willing to offer a helping hand to those who need it? I hope so.

If Real Life Was More Like Wrestling...

2009-08-27T21:05:00.000-07:00

-There would be a five-day waiting period to buy a folding chair.

-You could leave your workplace whenever you liked, as long as you were back inside before a count of ten.

-All interviews on CNN would begin, "Well, you know something, Mean Gene?!?!?"

-The IRS would recognize "Parts Unknown" as a legal residence.

-Whenever you walked into any building, your theme music would start to play.

-The most common injury at hospitals nationwide would be, "Mysterious cut on forehead."

-You could break any law you wanted to, as long as the referee didn't see you.

-Lou Dobbs would complain about all these Luchadors taking jobs from good old AMERICAN high-flyers.

-Vince McMahon would re-write history and claim HE wrote the Declaration of Independence.

-Furniture stores would rate tables based on style, color, construction and "breakability."

-It would be forbidden by law for any woman to wear a garment that came within a foot of her neck.

-You could walk into a convenience store wearing a mask and no one would call the cops.

-Spandex sales? Through the roof.

-The guy in the rainbow wig at basketball games would have a sign reading "AUSTIN 3:16."

-All the major events of your life would be on pay-per-view.

-Mickey Rourke would have won the Oscar, dammit.

-Face paint wouldn't just be for Halloween and tailgating anymore.

-Andre the Giant wouldn't just have a posse, he'd have a FRIGGIN' ARMY.

-The Super Bowl would be referred to as, "That game that happens the week after the Royal Rumble."

-All conversations would begin with a collar and elbow tie-up.

-All Japanese immigrants would be required to learn how to spit green mist.

-When you "retired," you'd be expected back at work a few weeks later.

-You couldn't drink bottled water without spitting it dramatically in the air and posing.

More as I think of them... :)

And Now For Something Completely Different...

2009-08-26T12:09:00.001-07:00

I just made the Top 50 in the Face of Fox Toledo auditions!

No, really, check it out...

See? I'm the very last video listed on the page (and trying not to read anything into that).

This is my second time going for the job - last time I made the top 14. Aiming to do a LITTLE better this time.

Also, this time around folks can vote for their favorites by simply watching their video. Now, I'm NOT asking you guys to go the website and watch my video 40,000 times to ensure my place in the top 10. But if you wanted to, you know, just because it's an awesome video and I'm such a damn handsome man, I won't stop you or anything... :)

Yes

2009-08-25T19:40:00.000-07:00

According to the doctor this afternoon, I have diabetes.

I am immediately being started on a medication (oral, not injected) to get my blood sugar under control, but the lion's share of the work has to come from me.

The doctor looked me dead in the face and said, "The best thing you can do is eat half as much as you do now."

There's more to it, of course. No sugar. No fruit. Almost no carbs. More protein. More exercise.

Strangely, my attitude is not one of sadness or fear, but of resolution. It's happened, my lifestyle and eating choices have caused it, and now it's up to me to correct it.

All I have to do is take care of myself. Something I have been negligent in doing in recent years. But that all changes now. It must.

Maybe the changes this brings will help me to see a path to getting the rest of my life on track, as well.

There is far too much good in my life, far too many wonderful people and things for me to experience and love, to let my health be a secondary concern. Not now, not ever.

I will not let my weight dictate who I am any longer.

The rest of my life starts now.

An Open Letter to TNA

2009-08-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

Dear TNA,

Jeff Jarrett, the founder of the company and the man who has been the heart and soul of TNA since it first began, was sent home last month because he had the audacity of dating Kurt Angle's soon-to-be-ex-wife.

This weekend, Kurt Angle was arrested for allegedly stalking his current girlfriend, was driving without a license, and found in possession of HGH. He was STILL allowed to wrestle and retain his world title at last night's PPV.

To an outside observer, your priorities appear to be, shall we say, out of whack.

Mike Johnson on PWInsider has it 100% right: it's time to get Kurt the hell out of the ring and get him checked out. Enough warning signs are there. The last thing wrestling needs is another tragedy. You guys have the power to take steps to prevent what might one. For the good of everyone, sit Angle down and get him looked at. Please.

A Concerned Fan,
-Jeff McGinnis

There Only Was One Choice

2009-08-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

by Harry Chapin

There's a kid out on my corner -- hear him strumming like a fool
Shivering in his dungarees -- but still he's going to school
His cheeks are made of peach fuzz -- his hopes may be the same
But he's signed up as a soldier out to play the music game

There are fake patches on his jacket -- he's used bleach to fade his jeans
With a brand new stay pressed shirt -- and some creased and wrinkled dreams
His face a blemish garden -- but his eyes are virgin clear
His voice is Chicken Little's -- But he's hearing Paul Revere

When he catches himself giggling -- he forces up a sneer
Though he'd rather have a milk shake -- he keeps forcing down the beer
Just another folkie -- late in coming down the pike
Riding his guitar -- he left Kid brother with his bike

And he's got Guthrie running in his bones
He's the hobo kid who's left his home
And his Beatles records and the Rolling Stones
This boy is staying acoustic.

There's Seeger singing in his heart
He hopes his songs will somehow start
To heal the cracks that split apart
America gone plastic

And now there's Dylan dripping from his mouth
He's hitching himself way down south
To learn a little black and blues
From old street men who paid their dues
'Cause they knew they had nothing to lose
They knew it
So they just got to it

With cracked old Gibsons and red clay shoes
Playing 1-4-5 chords like good news
And cursed with skin that calls for blood
They put their face and feet in mud
But oh they learned the music from way down there
The real ones learn it somewhere

Strum your guitar -- sing it kid
Just write about your feelings -- not the things you never did
Inexperience -- it once had cursed me
But your youth is no handicap -- it's what makes you thirsty

Hey, kid

You know you can hear your footsteps as you're kicking up the dust
And the rustling in the shadows tells you secrets you can trust
The capturing of whispers is the way to write a song
It's when you get to microphones the music can go wrong

You can't see the audience with spotlights in your eyes
Your feet can't feel the highway from where the Lear jet flies
When you glide in silent splendor in your padded limousines
Only you are crying there behind the silver screen

Now you battle dragons -- but they'll all turn into frogs
When you grab the wheel of fortune -- you get caught up in the cogs

First your art turns into craft -- then the yahoos start to laugh
Then you'll hear the jackals howl 'cause they love to watch the fall
They're the lost ones out there feeding on the wounded and the bleeding
They always are the first to see the cracks upon the walls...

When I started this song I was still thirty-three
The age that Mozart died and sweet Jesus was set free
Keats and Shelley too soon finished, Charley Parker would be
And I fantasized some tragedy'd be soon curtailing me

Well just today I had my birthday -- I made it thirty-four
Mere mortal, not immortal, not star-crossed anymore
I've got this problem with my aging I no longer can ignore
A tame and toothless tabby can't produce a lion's roar

And I can't help being frightened on these midnight afternoons
When I ask the loaded questions -- Why does winter come so soon?
And where are all the golden girls that I was singing for
The daybreak chorus of my dreams serenades no more

Yeah the minute man is going soft -- the mirror's on the shelf
Only when the truth's up there -- can you fool yourself
I am the aged jester -- who won't gracefully retire
A clumsy clown without a net caught staggering on the high wire

Yesterday's a collar that has settled round my waist
Today keeps slipping by me, it leaves no aftertaste
Tomorrow is a daydream, the future's never true
Am I just a fading fire or a breeze passing through?

Hello my Country
I once came to tell everyone your story
Your passion was my poetry
And your past my most potent glory
Your promise was my prayer
Your hypocrisy my nightmare
And your problems fill my present
Are we both going somewhere?

Step right up young lady --
Your two hundred birthdays make you old if not senile
And we see the symptoms there in your rigor mortis smile
With your old folks eating dog food and your children eating paint
While the pirates own the flag and sell us sermons on restraint

And while blood's the only language that your deaf old ears can hear
And still you will not answer with that message coming clear
Does it mean there's no more ripples in your tired old glory stream
And the buzzards own the carcass of your dream?

B*U*Y Centennial
Sell 'em pre-canned laughter
America Perennial
Sing happy ever after

There's a Dance Band on the Titanic
Singing Nearer My God to Thee
And the iceberg's on the starboard bow
Won't you dance with me

Yes I read it in the New York Times
That was on the stands today
It said that dreams were out of fashion
We'll hear no more empty promises
There'll be no more wasted passions
To clutter up our play

It really was a good sign
The words went on to say
It shows that we are growing up
In oh so many healthy ways
And I told myself this is
Exactly where I'm at
But I don't much like thinking about that

Harry -- are you really so naïve
You can honestly believe
That the country's getting better
When all you do is let her alone

Harry -- Can you really be surprised
when it's there before your eyes
when you hold the knife that carves her
you live the life that starves her to the bone

Good dreams don't come cheap
You've got to pay for them
If you just dream when you're asleep
There is no way for them
to come alive
to survive

It's not enough to listen -- it's not enough to see
When the hurricane is coming on it's not enough to flee
It's not enough to be in love -- we hide behind that word
It's not enough to be alive when your future's been deferred

What I've run through my body, what I've run through my mind
My breath's the only rhythm -- and the tempo is my time
My enemy is hopelessness -- my ally honest doubt
The answer is a question that I never will find out

Is music propaganda -- should I boogie, Rock and Roll
Or just an early warning system hitched up to my soul
Am I observer or participant or huckster of belief
Making too much of a life so mercifully brief?

So I stride down sunny streets and the band plays back my song
They're applauding at my shadow long after I am gone
Should I hold this wistful notion that the journey is worthwhile
Or tiptoe cross the chasm with a song and a smile

Well, I got up this morning -- I don't need to know no more
It evaporated nightmares that had boiled the night before
With every new day's dawning my kid climbs in my bed
And tells the cynics of the board room your language is dead

And as I wander with my music through the jungles of despair
My kid will learn guitar and find his street corner somewhere
There he'll make the silence listen to the dream behind the voice
And show his minstrel Hamlet daddy that there only was one choice

Strum your guitar -- sing it kid
Just write about your feelings -- not the things you never did
Inexperience -- it once had cursed me
But your youth is no handicap -- it's what makes you thirsty

Hey, kid

Strum your guitar -- sing it kid
Just write about your feelings -- not the things you never did

Dance Band...

Kathryn Puse, 1922-2009

2009-08-04T17:39:00.000-07:00

(Here is the eulogy I will be reading at the funeral tomorrow.)

"I love you, too."

She would say it often, and to anyone she felt needed to hear it. She was a remarkably giving person, almost to a fault. She cared dearly about her family, among which I am proud to be counted. Indeed, Kathryn Puse was the kindest and most loving individual I have ever known.

My memories of my grandmother are colored by my upbringing, and the fact that I grew up in a house just a few hundred feet from her home. Grandma and Grandpa's place was always just a short walk away, allowing my brother and I their constant company. As close as we were to our aunts, uncles, cousins and other extended family, our bond with our mother's parents was strongest of all.

Her marriage to Herbert Puse had been going strong for almost 30 years by the time we came along. They had wed in 1948 after a year of courtship. Grandma had worked successfully for several years as a secretary, and at my Grandpa's behest, settled down as a housewife. She had never intended to be a "farmer's wife," but sometimes love makes our choices for us. Grandpa would cultivate his land as a farmer, in addition to his full-time job for the state in construction, and Grandma would make a home for him and their two daughters, Jane, my mother, and Judy, my aunt.

When my mother and father wed, they soon took up residence in a small house on Grandpa's property, one which Grandma and Grandpa themselves had once lived in. And it was in these environs that my brother and I grew up in, with both a loving home and a loving home-away-from-home within easy reach.

A year or so after his retirement, a bad car accident left Grandpa in bad shape, unable to really take care of himself. For the better part of the next decade, Grandma would attend to him constantly, taking the burden of his care on herself, and asking for help in only the most trying of circumstances. This is indicative of two of Grandma's defining traits: her remarkable selflessness and her remarkable stubbornness. She was so giving you felt she would barely take her own needs into account, and this could be somewhat maddening to those of us who cared about her.

But through all the struggles and health problems, both Grandpa's and her own, she continued to care for him until his death in 2002. About a year later, at my parents' behest, I moved in with Grandma, as her own health had been worrisome since 1998, when she'd had quadruple bypass surgery. I was there to help ease her burden, and help out as much as she wanted.

Which, it turned out, was not much. Grandma's selfless stubbornness remained intact, and she continued, by and large, to care for herself. If I were to describe my relationship to my grandmother during those years, it would be more as a roommate than a caregiver, as anything she *could* do, she *would* do, never asking for help, and always politely declining any offer of the same.

Eventually she would make concessions to the effects of illness and time: the loss of her driver's license, walking with a cane and then a walker to get around the house. As she began to experience more health difficulties, she began to accept my offers of assistance more frequently. But right up to her last day in the house, she was still doing the lion's share of her own housework. It was, after all, her house.

When she left home for foot surgery in February, it was worrisome, as any surgery was at her age, but not uncommon. She'd had problems with her feet for several years, owing to poor circulation. But as her weeks of recovery became months, and more serious health problems began to reveal themselves, the realization began to settle in that this time, she might not pull through.

At this, I began to visit her more and more frequently at Heartland, her assisted care center. I stopped by, if not every day, then more often than not, and did something that I should have been doing far more often in the preceding years: Talked to her. About life, about her past, about family, about everything. For as long as I can remember, she had been such an important part of my life, yet I had known her mostly as just "Grandma." I wanted to know her a bit as Kathryn, too.

And I also wanted the chance to let her know how much she had meant to me, and tell her that I loved her. I closed every conversation with those words, and she always responded, "I love you, too."

She held on for a long time, displaying her stubbornness once again. Some days she would seem to be in decline, and then would bounce back yet again. Then, 3 weeks ago, word came that her condition had taken a sharp turn for the worse. I went to her room as soon as I could. She was in clear pain, and could barely speak, limited to an occasional acknowledgment of "yeah" and "okay." I told her once more how much she had meant to me, how much I would miss her, and that I was proud to be her grandson. Then, before I left, I hugged her, kissed her forehead, and said, "I love you."

She responded with the longest sentence I heard her say that day: "I love you, too."

In true Grandma fashion, the next day she bounced back yet again, conversing much more lucidly than just 12 hours before. For the next two weeks, she would have good days and bad, and we'd all visit as often as we could. When I received a call on Friday that she seemed to be failing, any thoughts that this might be it were tempered by the fact that Grandma's stubbornness would not permit her to go.

But when we visited her this time, she wasn't talking at all. And when I said goodbye and that I loved her, this time, she didn't respond.

Of course, she didn't have to. I knew. We all knew. She said it with her every action, every moment of her life. Every minute spent caring for Grandpa. Every task she did herself because she "didn't want to be a bother." Every laugh, every hug, every tear. Her words echoed in every moment spent with those she cared about.

I love you, too.

Michael Bay Says Some "Incredibly Rediculous Things" and Makes an Ass Out of Himself in the Process

2009-07-03T00:13:00.000-07:00

Michael Bay is an egotistical moron who has way too inflated an opinion of his own place in film history.

Strong words, I admit. But I'm willing to back them up.

A recent Yahoo News article documents a "war of words" that has erupted between Megan Fox and Bay. She's given some interviews saying, essentially, that Bay makes movies that focus on special effects and don't leave a lot of room for "acting" and stuff.

Not a particularly controversial viewpoint, I'd say. We'll leave behind any jokes about what kind of "acting" Ms. Fox brings to the table anyway for another time.

No, our observations will be limited to Mr. Bay's rather epic "I'm awesome! She should shut up!" response. Admittedly, he didn't say it in exactly those words, but he did start whining about how Fox is "23 years old and she still has a lot of growing to do."

Then, Bay shows that, for a 44-year-old, he has way more growing up to do, as well. Specifically, trying to claim other's success as your own:

"Nick Cage wasn't a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck before I put him in 'Armageddon.' Shia LaBeouf wasn't a big movie star before he did 'Transformers' -- and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from 'Bad Boys'."

Hoo boy. Let's break this down, shall we?

-Nicolas Cage, Bay apparently thinks, got his "big break" working with Bay on "The Rock" in 1996. Sure, he'd only been in the movies 15 years until that point, with films like "Peggy Sue Got Married," "Moonstruck," "Raising Arizona," "Wild at Heart," "Honeymoon in Vegas," "Guarding Tess" and "It Could Happen to You." Oh yeah and he had WON A FREAKING OSCAR for "Leaving Las Vegas." But he wasn't a "big actor" before that master Michael Bay got to him, though!

-Speaking of Oscar winners, that Ben Affleck guy had also won one for some movie called "Good Will Hunting" before Bay MADE HIM A STAR with his amazing turn in "Armageddon." And he was already a veteran of a couple of Kevin Smith flicks.

-And who the hell was Shia LaBeouf before "Transformers?" Well, he was the guy in "Disturbia," which made a ton of money. And he was in "The Greatest Game Ever Played." And he was that kid on "Even Stevens."

-Do I even need to mention what Will Smith ("Fresh Prince of Bel-Air") and Martin Lawrence ("Martin") were famous for, well before "Bad Boys" came along? That flick was, at best, a medium-sized hit in 1995 anyway...Smith didn't really explode in popularity until "Independence Day" the following year.

Bay's point, I guess, is that all these people were built up through their exposure in his body of work, so Fox should just shut up and be grateful. But of course, he DIDN'T make any of the people he mentioned "stars." He's just deluded himself into thinking he did.

And even if he HAD, that has nothing to do with the completely valid point Fox made. His movies ARE sound and fury. He DOESN'T provide his actors with a great chance to show their talent. Fox probably had more character moments in "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" than she had in both "Transformers" films combined, and she was a freaking Disney villain in that one.

Look, Michael, you're making a mint. The financial rewards should be enough right now. If you want respect as an artist, make some small art film that has no explosions. I dare ya. But if you can't handle criticism (especially from someone who worked with you), and immediately start claiming as your own the success of others, maybe you don't have the emotional backbone necessary to be a director in the first place.

Original Yahoo Article: http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/us-magazine-megan-fox-bay.html

Box Office Might Doesn't Mean Critics Wrong

2009-06-29T23:20:00.000-07:00

I have some thoughts that cannot be confined to 140 characters on Twitter.

I recently came across an article on Yahoo which analyzed the fact that "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" has been so terribly reviewed (running at only 20% on the Tomatometer) and yet is such a box office smash (grossing over $200 million in its first five days).

The extraordinary popularity of the film cannot be denied. What I find most galling about the article, however, is a tendency I have found in many articles in recent years: The argument that box office might makes right. If a movie makes all that money and the critics hated it, well, obviously there's something wrong with the CRITICS.

First of all, the success of a film in its first weekend is less a testament to the film's quality and more to the success of its marketing campaign. Tons of people are convinced, through aggressive TV, print and web marketing (to say nothing of children's marketing, as most of Transformers' audience had children in tow) that the film is an event they CANNOT miss, and they would see the film no matter what the critics say. Yahoo's article attempts to sidestep this by claiming that after a strong first day, the audience didn't drop off on Thursday, obviously thanks to strong word of mouth. Huh? When was the last time a movie dropped off the face of the map after one day? Word of mouth is IRRELEVANT until later weeks, when the initial burst of enthusiasm due to marketing has faded, and then whether the movie is any good actually continues to draw people in. What film ever lost over half of its audience from opening day to its second? Ohwait...that would be "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen," which on Thursday grossed less than half of what it did on Wednesday.

Besides, the second we start letting box office success be the ultimate factor in film quality is the second we have to say that "The Phantom Menace" was a WAY better film than "Empire Strikes Back" or "Return of the Jedi," since its grosses were higher. Or that "Shrek 2" is one of the greatest movies of all time, since it's ranked in the top five. Movies are not a horse race, and who "wins" is much less relevant to you or me than a simple question: is it any good? Is it worth taking two hours of our lives to see it? How many people are seeing it means just as much as how many lemmings are going over the cliff. Well, they're all going, I might as well, too...

That's what criticism is for. You find a good film critic or two (or hundreds, if you like rottentomatoes.com) whose writing you like and whose opinions you respect, and take their reviews into account. They can direct you to some good films you didn't consider before. You won't always agree with them, but you'll find far more awesome experiences than you ever knew were there. And occasionally, you'll get to read some hilarious jabs taken at some truly worthy targets.

Paramount executive Rob Moore, however, claims (note that no critics were actually quoted in the article, only talking-head studio execs) that critics "forget what the goal of the movie was. The goal of the movie is to entertain and have fun." Yep. It was not at all a cynical attempt to cash in on 80's nostalgia and make a cross-marketing deal with a toy manufacturer, "Transformers 2" was ONLY about entertainment and fun. I'm sure Paramount's "G.I. Joe" film later this summer has similar goals. He says this critics are expecting every film to be "Citizen Kane" or something. Oh, wait, Kane WAS entertaining and fun. It was also thought-provoking, challenging, brilliantly made and acted, and influenced American moviemaking for decades afterward. I think I can say confidently that none of THOSE descriptors will ever be applied to "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen."

A movie does not have to be EITHER "entertaining and fun" or "a great film." Believe it or not, it can be both. For evidence, you merely have to look at last year. "The Dark Knight" was as big a blockbuster as they come, made millions of dollars, and was also a huge critical success. So was "WALL-E." So was "Star Trek," earlier this summer. A film can satisfy both the masses and hardcore film buffs (as critics are), and when it accomplishes that, it is usually a wonderful thing to behold. And those are the movies which live on well past the initial burst of the initial marketing campaign.

I should point out that I am saying all this having not seen "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" myself. I do not know what I think of the movie. I saw and enjoyed the first one. Most of the people I've talked to seem to think the second is a major step down. I probably will see it, since a.) I get free passes and b.) I have plenty of friends who want to see it, too. My point in writing this is to reject the opinion the writer of the Yahoo article seems to hold...that any box office success a film achieves is enough to call into question any criticism directed at it. If we are to appreciate movies as art, we must not let commerce influence our opinion of its success. For us as individuals, the success of a film must be measured solely on its impact on us as a moviegoer. How many other people are seeing it does not matter nearly as much as what it means to you as an experience. Some of the best movies I've ever seen, I saw alone. Some of the worst, I was surrounded by hundreds.

OSCAR PICKS!

2009-02-21T17:17:00.000-08:00

Skipping all the shorts and docs and short docs that no one's seen...

SOUND MIXING:
Should Win: WALL-E. For creating a thoroughly engrossing audio world with no real-life base to draw from.
Will Win: Dark Knight. Also deserving.

SOUND EDITING: Just paste WALL-E and Dark Knight down here, too.

CINEMATOGRAPHY:
Should Win: Dark Knight. Both for its amazingly evocative visuals and for balancing its traditional and IMAX filmmaking so flawlessly.
Will Win: Benjamin Button. It's epic and it's pretty.

ART DIRECTION:
Should Win: Dark Knight, for creating a sense of heightened realism while still feeling evocative of film noir and comic books.
Will Win: Benjamin Button. It's epic and it's yadda yadda.

COSTUME DESIGN:
Should Win: Benjamin Button. Remarkably evocative of time and place.
Will Win: Button. You take the Most Fabric rule, add it in with the Period Piece rule, and ya got a winner.

VISUAL EFFECTS:
Should Win: Benjamin Button. Amazing, revolutionary work that sets a new high bar, and redeems a mediocre story.
Will Win: Button. Dark Knight is possible, but Button's technical breakthroughs will outshine it.

MAKE-UP:
Should Win: Benjamin Button, with a nod to Hellboy's amazingly imaginative designs.
Will Win: Button.

EDITING:
Should Win: Slumdog. Awesome storytelling at a breakneck pace.
Will Win: Slumdog. Always bet on the one with the most cuts.

BEST SONG:
Should Win: "The Wrestler" by Bruce Springsteen. Oh, wait, IT DIDN'T GET NOMINATED. Whutsupwitdat, Academy?
Will Win: "Jai Ho" from Slumdog. Really a coin flip between the Slumdog nominees.

BEST SCORE:
Should Win: WALL-E. Its evocative score is more critical in its storytelling than any of the other nominees.
Will Win: Slumdog. Also powerful and haunting, in a different way.

BEST ANIMATED FILM:
Should Win: WALL-E. Do I even have to elaborate?
Will Win: WALL-E. If either Bolt or Kung-Fu Panda win, I will personally riot. Well, maybe not, but I'll be very confused.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
Should Win: WALL-E. Such a brilliant, quirky script with genuine heart.
Will Win: Milk. A lot of people are gonna wanna honor it somewhere, and this is their chance. Unless...we'll get there soon.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
Should Win: Frost/Nixon. Absolutely riveting.
Will Win: Slumdog Millionaire. The Reader may pull the upset if it gets support higher up, but I still think this is Danny Boyle's night.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Should Win: Heath Ledger. He redefined an iconic villain in a film that relied on his performance. A fitting swan-song for an incredible talent.
Will Win: Ledger. Period.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Should Win: Marisa Tomei. Her performance was absolutely heartbreaking, and a second Oscar would finally shut Rex Reed up.
Will Win: Viola Davis. A memorable turn with limited screentime, and it makes for a great story to boot.

BEST ACTOR:
Should Win: I'm torn. Rourke was amazing in The Wrestler, as was Penn in Milk. But Frank Langella crafted a Richard Nixon that was a full character, not a caricature or simple imitation. He made Nixon human, which made his actions and downfall all the more tragic. So I'm going with Langella here.
Will Win: It's a two horse race between Rourke and Penn. Both are amazing work. Rourke winning is the better story, and he's won all the early awards, but will the WrestleMania connection hurt him? Penn is perhaps our best actor, but he just won a few years ago. Head says Rourke, gut says Penn. I toss a coin and...go with Mickey Rourke.

BEST ACTRESS:
Should Win: Kate Winslet. She's been nominated SIX times, she's been one of Hollywood's best performers for a long time, and her ability is the only thing that made her character's choices in the film somewhat comprehensible.
Will Win: Winslet. The Weinstein campaigning will have SOME effect, and I think it'll be here.

BEST DIRECTOR:
Should Win: Danny Boyle. He's been one of the best filmmakers on the outskirts of the Hollywood mainstream for a long time. This one is his invitation in.
Will Win: Boyle. Two words: Director's Guild.

BEST PICTURE:
Should Win: Frost/Nixon. I've struggled with this category for a long time, and I'm just gonna go with my gut. Slumdog and Milk are also brilliant and powerful, but Frost/Nixon had me more involved than any of them. Just amazing filmmaking.
Will Win: Slumdog Millionaire. Reader and Milk are contenders for different reasons, but I've seen nothing that will knock Slumdog off its perch.

So, what are YOUR picks? :)

A Quote and An Optimistic Hope

2008-11-12T17:39:00.000-08:00

-I swear this blog is not just de-evolving into an endless stream of Ebert quotes, but another one occurred to me today that I think is amazingly appropriate right now, given what happened out in California...

"It's a good thing the Bill of Rights is more or less hewn in stone, because I suspect that at any given moment you could get a majority of Americans to vote against it. Oh, they're in favor of their own rights. They take those for granted. It's the other guy's rights that gnaw at them." - Roger Ebert, Drop Squad review

-And on a much less serious note, man, I really hope Jeffrey Tambor isn't kidding. :) :) :)

This land was made for you and me

2008-11-05T11:37:00.000-08:00

Once again, Roger puts it better than I ever could.

Congrats, Barack. Now get to work. :)

VOTE!....for the Scariest Bad-Ass of Them All!

2008-10-27T19:09:00.000-07:00

Cast your vote...who would win the Ultimate Halloween Battle Royale?!?!?! Your contestants:

Freddy
Jason
Michael Myers
Dracula
Frankenstein's Monster
Alien
Predator
Godzilla
Ash

Send me your vote via text, e-mail, wall posting, or however you want! Write-in candidates accepted! Let me know by Wednesday night, the 29th! Why? You'll see... (insert devious laugh here)

Jigsaw's Bucket List

2008-10-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

Found on a pad of paper next to John "Jigsaw" Kramer's makeshift hospital bed...

Phew! Got a lot to get done before I croak. Okay, lessee...

-Design and build traps for the two games that will be going on simultaneously while I'm dying. No, wait, make that three games, Amanda's being tested, too. (Hope she doesn't see this note.)

-Kidnap and set up the 3 victims for Jeff's game. The woman and the judge, no prob, but the medical student may be a bit of a hassle. Those young whippersnappers today...

-Kidnap and set up the 3 victims for Rigg's game. Oh, wait, that's 5 victims, need to grab the lawyer and some other guy for the collar trap. Geez, how many people are involved in this one?

-Oh, shoot. Gotta kidnap Jeff, Rigg and Jeff's wife, too. That makes, what, 11 in all? Whoa, hope I'm not forgetting anybody.

-To Buy: 400 yards of rusty chain, freezer-proof tubing, at least 30 decomposing pig corpses, a rack (what's the best deal one can get on those these days?), an automatic hair puller, eye gouger, 3 different guns and corresponding bullets, exploding collar, a few motors, large block of ice...no, make that THREE large blocks of ice (got a kooky idea!), an electric chair (non-functioning is ok), miscellaneous timers, 15 or so monitors and oodles of security cameras, parts to make more of those damn dolls, and, of course, about 50 mini-cassette recorders and tapes. Hope Sony's happy, I'm single-handedly keeping their micro-cassette division in business.

-Oh, darn it...kidnap Jeff's daughter, too. That makes 12.

-Record enigmatic and creepy narration for each trap on micro-cassette or VHS. Be careful not to switch tapes accidentally. That poor guy in the guillotine who ended up watching "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" never stood a chance.

-Coat post-mortem cassette with wax and swallow. Need to add one candle to the Buy list. Preferably unscented. Don't wanna die with the smell of "Lilac Paradise" or something on my breath.

-Go over battle plan with Amanda and Hoffman. Apart, if possible, they don't know about each other yet. Or do they? Damned if I can remember.

-Get files on next set of victims for Hoffman. Of course, only Hoffman has access to those files, so...get Hoffman to get files. Then give them back to him.

-Plan out next set of traps for next game for Hoffman, but he can build them his own damn self. I got enough on my plate as it is, doncha think?

-Okay, if Amanda kills Jeff's wife and if Jeff kills her, then if the FBI guy kills Jeff after Jeff kills me, remind Hoffman to close the door behind him. If any of the ifs don't happen...um, haven't thought that far ahead. Let's just hope it all works out. Fingers crossed!

-Watch "Citizen Kane." This is probably my last chance. Have Amanda make popcorn in the incineration pit.

-Oh, crap...kidnap the female cop for the rib-split trap. That's 13. That's the last one. I'm sure. If I'm wrong, may my throat be cut with a buzz-saw. Oh, yeah...

-Add buzz-saw to the Buy list.

Another sad farewell...

2008-09-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

To one of the all-time Hollywood legends, thank you for years of incredible work and unforgettable films. You truly were in a class by yourself.

Goodbye, Paul, and we'll miss you.

(Roger's excellent obituary is available here.)

Just an Observation

2008-09-12T23:32:00.001-07:00

I gotta be honest. The fact that Charles Gibson had to reword the question three times for Sarah Palin to understand what the Bush Doctrine is kinda scares me.

Movie Poster Quiz

2008-08-24T15:16:00.000-07:00

http://www.empireonline.com/features/posterletters/

This may be the hardest movie-related quiz I've ever taken. I am impressed. My final score was 30/46...can anyone beat that? :)

A Toast to a Master

2008-06-22T22:34:00.000-07:00

Somehow, a moment of silence seems totally wrong. So:

“They’re Only Words/Euphemisms” by George Carlin

There's a different group to get pissed off at you in this country for everything you’re not supposed to say.

Can't say: Nigger, Boogie, Jig, Jigaboo, Skinhead, Moolimoolinyon, Schvatzit, Jungle bunny, Greaser, Grease ball, Dago, Guinea, Wop, Ginzo, Kike, Zebe, Heed, Yid, Mocky, Himie, Mick, Donkey, Turkey, Limey, Fro, Zip, Zipper head, Square head, Krout, Hiney, Jerry, Hun, Slope, Slope head, Chink, Gook.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of those words, in and of themselves. They’re only words. It's the context that counts. It's the user. It's the intention behind the words that makes them good or bad. The words are completely neutral. The words are innocent. I get tired of people talking about bad words and bad language. Bullshit! It's the context that makes them good or bad. The context that makes them good or bad.

For instance, you take the word "nigger." There is absolutely nothing wrong with the word "nigger," in and of itself. It's the racist asshole who's using it that you ought to be concerned about. We don't mind when Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy say it. Why? Because we know they’re not racist. They’re niggers!

Context. Context. We don't mind their context, because we know they’re black. Hey, I know I'm whitey, the blue-eyed devil, paddy-o, fay gray boy, honkey, mother-fucker myself. Don't bother my ass. They’re only words.

You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth, like the fact that there's a bigot and a racist in every living room, on every street corner in this country.

I don't like words that hide the truth. I don't like words that conceal reality. I don't like euphemisms, or euphemistic language. And American English is loaded with euphemisms. ‘Cause Americans have a lot of trouble dealing with reality. Americans have trouble facing the truth, so they invent the kind of a soft language to protest themselves from it, and it gets worse with every generation. For some reason, it just keeps getting worse.

I'll give you an example of that. There's a condition in combat, most people know about it. It's when a fighting person's nervous system has been stressed to its absolute peak and maximum. Can't take anymore input. The nervous system has either (click) snapped or is about to snap. In the First World War, that condition was called shell shock. Simple, honest, direct language. Two syllables. Shell shock. Almost sounds like the guns themselves. That was seventy years ago.

Then a whole generation went by and the Second World War came along and very same combat condition was called battle fatigue. Four syllables now. Takes a little longer to say. Doesn't seem to hurt as much. “Fatigue” is a nicer word than “shock.” Shell shock! Battle fatigue.

Then we had the war in Korea, 1950. Madison Avenue was riding high by that time, and the very same combat condition was called Operational Exhaustion. Hey, we’re up to eight syllables now! And the humanity has been squeezed completely out of the phrase. It's totally sterile now. Operational Exhaustion. Sounds like something that might happen to your car!

Then of course, came the war in Vietnam, which has only been over for about sixteen or seventeen years, and thanks to the lies and deceits surrounding that war, I guess it's no surprise that the very same condition was called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Still eight syllables, but we've added a hyphen! And the pain is completely buried under jargon. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'll bet you, if we'd still been calling it Shell Shock, some of those Vietnam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed at the time. I'll betcha that. I'll betcha that.

But, but, it didn't happen. And one of the reasons, one of the reasons, is because we were using that soft language. That language that takes the life out of life. And it is a function of time. It does keep getting worse.

I'll give you another example: sometime during my life, sometime during my life, toilet paper became bathroom tissue. I wasn't notified of this. No one asked me if I agreed with it. It just happened. Toilet paper became bathroom tissue. Sneakers became running shoes. False teeth became dental appliances. Medicine became medication. Information became directory assistance. The dump became the landfill. Car crashes became automobile accidents. Partly cloudy became partly sunny. Motels became motor lodges. House trailers became mobile homes. Used cars became previously owned transportation. Room service became guest-room dining. And constipation became occasional irregularity.

When I was a little kid, if I got sick, they wanted me to go to the hospital and see a doctor. Now they want me to go to a health maintenance organization...or a wellness center…to consult a health care delivery professional.

Poor people used to live in slums. Now the economically disadvantaged occupy substandard housing in the inner cities. And they're broke! They're broke! They don't have a negative cash-flow position. They're fucking broke! ‘Cause a lot of them were fired. You know, fired? Management wanted to curtail redundancies in the human resources area, so many people are no longer viable members of the workforce?

Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. It's as simple as that. The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people...or they depopulate the area. The government doesn't lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call “sunshine units.” Israeli murderers are called commandos. Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part of it to us, do they? Never mention that part of it.

And...and some of this stuff is just silly, we all know that, like on the airlines, they say want to pre- board. Well, what the hell is pre-board, what does that mean? To get on before you get on? They say they're going to “pre-board those passengers in need of special assistance.”

Cripples!

Simple, honest, direct language. There is no shame attached to the word “cripple” that I can find in any dictionary! No shame attached to it! In fact, it's a word used in bible translations. “Jesus healed the cripples.” Doesn't take seven words to describe that condition.

But we don't have any cripples in this country anymore. We have the physically challenged. Is that a grotesque enough evasion for you? How about differently abled. I've heard them called that. Differently abled! You can't even call these people handicapped anymore. They'll say, "Were not handicapped. Were handi-capable!" These poor people have been bullshitted by the system into believing that if you change the name of the condition, somehow you'll change the condition. Well, hey cousin, ppsssspptttttt. Doesn't happen! Doesn't happen.

We have no more deaf people in this country: Hearing impaired. No one’s blind anymore: Partially sighted, or Visually impaired. We have no more stupid people: Everyone has a learning disorder...or he's minimally exceptional. How would you like to be told that about your child? "He's minimally exceptional." "Oohh, thank god for that."

Psychologists actually have started calling ugly people, Those with Severe Appearance Deficits. It's getting so bad, that any day now I expect to hear a rape victim referred to as an “Unwilling Sperm Recipient.”

And we have no more old people in this country. No more old people. We shipped them all away, and we brought in these Senior Citizens. Isn't that a typically American twentieth century phrase? Bloodless, lifeless, no pulse in one of them. A Senior Citizen.

But I've accepted that one. I've come to terms with it. I know it's here to stay. We'll never get rid of it. That's what they're going to be called, so I'll relax on that. But the one I do resist, the one I keep resisting, is when they look at an old guy and they'll say, "Look at him, Dan! He's ninety years young."

Imagine the fear of aging that reveals! To not even be able to use the word "old" to describe somebody. To have to use an antonym! And fear of aging is natural. It's universal, isn't it? We all have that. No one wants to get old. No one wants to die. But we do! So, we bullshit ourselves.

I started bullshitting myself when I got to my forties. As soon as I got into my forties, I'd look in the mirror and I'd say, "well, I...I guess I'm getting...older." Older! Sounds a little better than “old,” doesn't it? Sounds like it might even last a little longer.

Bullshit! I'm getting old! And it's okay! Because, thanks to our fear of death in this country, I won't have to die.

I'll pass away.

Or I'll expire, like a magazine subscription.

If it happens in the hospital, they'll call it a terminal episode.

The insurance company will refer to it as negative patient-care outcome.

And if it's the result of malpractice, they'll say it was a therapeutic misadventure.

I'm telling you, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit.

Makes me want to engage in an involuntary personal protein spill.

To which I can only add...shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits.

Thank you, George.

In Case You Missed It...

2008-04-03T21:50:00.000-07:00

You kinda really need to see it.

Ric Flair's Farewell Address, part 1.

And part 2.

Aaaaaand...after the show went off the air, part 3. :)

The Other Stuff - 4-2-08

2008-04-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

I have two for this story...
A.), because, you know, freezing the creatures to death is BY FAR the most humane treatment possible, and
B.) "Faces filled with joy and cheer / What a magical time of year / Howdy-ho, it's Weasel Stomping Daaaaaaaaay...."

Yet Another Argument Against Drug Use: Trying to hide cocaine from the cops in a BOX OF DOUGHNUTS. I mean, come on, have the narcotics so dulled your senses that you cannot recall the most basic of police jokes?

And while we're on the subject of dumb criminals, this guy gets points for taking advantage of his surroundings, but loses some in execution.

And from Dumb Criminals to Dumb Criminal-Related Businesses...really, it's the lack of imagination in the sample card quotes I find most offensive here. Just because you're appealing to a niche market means you have to be LAZY about it.

From the "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" file: Declaring that getting mauled by wild animals was really no big whoop.

And, gee, when I skipped out on school as a kid, the worst *I* got was a stern look or two.

From the "Some People Really Need to Learn to Move On" file...

Although that guy certainly doesn't take his sports as seriously as this guy...maybe I've just forgotten my catechism classes, but where exactly in the bible is the "Thou Shalt Castrate Those Who Support University of Texas" passage?

You ever get the feeling that life is getting more and more like The Far Side? Well, so do I.

And somewhere, Larry Flynt is smiling.

"Well, see, WrestleMania was on, we got so teary-eyed about Ric Flair's retirement, we just lost track...don't worry, I'm sure he'll turn up SOMEWHERE..."

And finally...deep down inside, I think we all knew that Herbie really wanted to join the fuzz.

To Abby

2008-03-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

Goodbye to me and you.
Goodbye to the life we knew.
One last long embrace.
Let go and walk on through.

I'm leaving everything behind
for a peace that I can't find.
The ghosts that roam this house
like winter air right through our souls.

And it feels like dying.
It just feels like time to go...

This town is dead to me.
And I can't stop chasing my dreams.
-lyrics from "Night Train" by Bouncing Souls

To my dear friend, Abby.

Life without you will suck.

Well, maybe not suck. But it'll sure be MORE sucky than it was when you were here.

Without you, life will certainly be a lot duller than it is right now. And, given the current levels of dullness in the life of Jeff McGinnis, this seems unfathomable. But so it goes.

And without you, how empty the cities of Toledo and Bowling Green will seem.

You have been my friend for the past five years. In that time, you have been an ear when I needed to talk, a shoulder when I needed to cry, and one of my most enthusiastic boosters when I needed encouragement.

When I was in the dumps, at my lowest point, when the weight of the world was about ready to crush me, your friendship helped dig me out.

When I have seen nothing of value in myself, you have often dragged my self-esteem, kicking and screaming, back into the light.

Your friendship means the world to me, dude.

But, having said all that, I'm also jealous as hell.

Jealous because you have amazing, raw, natural talent - the kind that cannot be taught or learned.

You have natural stage and screen presence. You have an amazing singing voice. Your grace and poise augment your natural beauty, and your winning personality "pops" through everything you do.

In short, you have "it," my friend.

And you have the courage and determination to follow "it." Follow it all the way to L.A., where "it" can take you to the stars.

So yes, life without you may suck. But to know that you went for it - that you took that step and are following the path your dreams and gifts dictate you follow - that makes me happier for you than I can ever say.

There was a moment in an episode of "Taxi," where Alex, the lead cab driver, is talking to Bobby, the actor, as he's about to head for Los Angeles and pursue his dream. Alex says to him, "You know, Bobby, if you're a success out there, we may never see you again."

Then Alex pauses and adds, "Here's hoping we never see you again."

Although I cannot totally echo that statement (I WOULD like to see you again, after all), I agree with the sentiment behind it wholeheartedly. Or, put another way...

"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live is that much more drab and empty that they're gone.

"I guess I just miss my friend."
-The Shawshank Redemption

Goodbye, Abs.

The Other Stuff - 3-21-08

2008-03-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

And now, for something completely yadda yadda, here are the news stories you may have missed while you were busy reading up on the ones that were "important" or "actually mattered" or some ga-ga like that. I proudly present...The Other Stuff!

First, this reminder to ALWAYS check the seller feedback rating.

And this one, too, on a stroller that apparently once belonged to Maggie Simpson.

And, while we're talking about the Simpsons, if Bart can sell his SOUL, hell, why not sell everything ELSE?

And, for that special someone who has way too much money and wants to spend it on a piece of cereal vaguely shaped like a state...

And, if you know someone that just can't get enough of World Cup Fever, what better way to say I love you than...

And by the way, if they can't squat, then what the hell are they doing at the Olympics?

And now, from the "Life Imitating Art" file: Now that the Coens have won their Oscar, here's the living embodiment of "Raising Arizona."

And this word to the wise...when committing a felony, one should perhaps consider the ramifications of posting an INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO of how you committed the felony on YouTube.

And really, how many people must call the cops for stolen marijuana before people catch on to the downside of smoking it in the first place?

And, finally, isn't THIS a turnaround...usually it's the STRIPPER who has to be wary of someone shoving of a stiff object in her face. (Thank you! I'll be here all week! Two shows on Friday!)

REPOST: If It Ain't Broke, Keep Fixing It

2008-03-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

(Hi. I'm feeling kinda down right now - for reasons you already know and others which you don't yet - so I've decided to perk things up a bit by reposting a few of my favorite older pieces on here, just for laughs. We start with one from March, 2005, which no one has ever commented on or talked to me about, ever. Either no one read it, or the image of Linus in a wood chipper isn't as hilarious to others as I thought it would be.)

In the spirit of the WB's...um...modest re-imagining of the Looney Toons characters in their new fall cartoon "Loonatics,"allow me to present some equally...modest proposals for other classic characters in need of a similar "updating."

-Mickey Mouse: Assassin for Hire - Forced to make ends meet, Mickey finds work in a CIA training facility and learns that his aw-shucks demeanor and his winning smile make him a perfect government killer. His first assignment: rubbing out potential industrial espionage suspect Scrooge McDuck. Voice of Mickey: Vin Diesel.

-Popeye Confidential - The spinach-chomping sailor journeys onto land and finds violence and intrigue as a Los Angeles private eye. Swee Pea becomes a 17-year-old crack addict, and Olive Oyl becomes a D cup. Voice of Bluto: Harvey Fierstein.

-Flintstones on the Lam - Framed for the murder of Mr. Slate, Fred and the gang head on a cross-country journey while on the run from the law. Voice of Barney: Ving Rhames.

-The Rainbow Connection - Rainbow Brite and Strawberry Shortcake are NOT hiding their feelings anymore. Out of the closet and empowered, the lovers fight for equality and understanding against the evil forces of conservativism. Voice of chief villain: Michael Medved.

-We're Gonna Die, Charlie Brown - The Peanuts gang competes in a deadly futuristic reality show where they must fight for their lives against the evil minions of the Red Baron. A beloved cast member will be killed off every episode. Linus is first to go when his protective blanket gets caught in a wood chipper. Voice of Snoopy: Vince McMahon.

-The Cat in the Hat Gets the Clap - No comment necessary. Voice of Conrad: Sam Waterston.

-Jem and the City - The Holograms ain't innocent anymore. Four single women living in the Big Apple, the bandmates share tales of sex and witty advice with one another as they make their way through the modern social scene. Oh, and Jem's a struggling female boxer on the side, too. Voice of Jem: Demi Moore.

-T&J 4-Eva - Tom and Jerry become inner city kids who dream of playing professional ping pong while learning valuable life lessons each week. Voice of Tom: Ludacris.

-Scooby Doo, You're Turning Blue! - After one overdose too many, Scooby must finally face his addictions and joins the gang in rehab as they all struggle coming to terms with Shaggy's tragic passing (I mean, COME ON, tell me you didn't see it coming). Voice of Scrappy: Kenneth Branagh.

-Yo, Yogi! - Yogi Bear now inhabits a mall instead of a state park, and...oh, wait, they've already done that one. Arrgh!!!!!

(NOTE: The preceeding is a parody. If any of these ever actually get made, stop the planet, I wanna get off.)

Tom

2008-02-23T21:31:00.000-08:00

Tom Shannon, who was not only the father of my best friend, but a man who I considered a dear friend and almost a second father figure, passed away today of a sudden aneurysm. He was 63.

Those of you who met Tom knew him as a kind but firm man, always quick with an opinion and generous with a smile and laugh. He was also a caring family man, who raised his children with a level of love and support that one can only wish all kids would find as they grow up.

I can personally vouch for his effectiveness and persistence as a parent. Shortly after I became friends with Sean and Heather, it quickly came to my attention that the Shannons now considered me one of their own, and treated me accordingly. This meant that not only was I given more love and support than I would ever deserve, but also that I would not be allowed to waste any potential they saw in me.

In the years since my failed attempt to finish my thesis, Tom would forever open conversations with me by asking, “Get your thesis done yet?” No sir, I would always respond, not this week. He would frown with an indignation which only half the time seemed jovial. He wanted me to succeed. And he wouldn’t let me forget about it.

He was also a kindred spirit in mischief and satire. Tom frequently wrote his own comedy songs, and his love of the genre rivaled and surpassed my own. One of his proudest moments came when one of his songs was played on the nationally syndicated Dr. Demento show, an event commemorated by a plaque in his office featuring a recording of the fabled episode. As I composed my own songs, Tom’s opinion was one I cherished above all others, and when I made him laugh (or, more specifically, when I made him chuckle and look at me sideways, shaking his head), I knew I had accomplished my goal.

Tom’s deep love and devotion to his wife Diane was boundless. I have never known a married couple who were so clearly in love with each other as the two of them. Whenever Tom was not working in his upstairs office, they were together, having lunch, going shopping, talking, laying snuggled together in front of the television (the fabled “couch time”). They would spend as much time together as possible.

They should have had more time. They deserved all the time in the world.

Tom Shannon was a husband, a father, a son, a brother, a friend, an artist, a writer, a craftsman, a businessman, a critic, and much more. And he will be missed more than I could possibly ever say.

Twenty Years

2008-02-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

I just realized - today was a pretty big anniversary.

Twenty years ago tonight, the WWF broadcast its first ever Main Event in prime time on NBC. On that show, Randy Savage beat the Honky Tonk Man by DQ, and Hulk Hogan lost the world title to Andre the Giant.

Also on that night, a 10-year-old kid named Jeff watched pro wrestling for the first time.

Yep, this day marks TWENTY YEARS that I have been a wrestling fan. Kinda scary, huh?

In commemoration of this little event, here are a few things I will never forget from each of the past 20 years.

1988 - Watching that first Main Event and getting hooked, Savage winning the title, and Liz's skirt at Summerslam.

1989 - Demolition's title reign ending and starting again, and Mr. Perfect smashing Hogan's belt into pieces.

1990 - Warrior/Hogan at WrestleMania VI, and Demolition/Harts at SummerSlam.

1991 - Bret winning the IC title at SummerSlam, and Ric Flair, the "real world champion," jumping to the WWF.

1992 - Undertaker turning babyface, and Bret/Davey at Wembley Stadium.

1993 - The debut of Raw, going to see SummerSlam live at the Palace of Auburn Hills, and the Yokozuna/Undertaker confrontation at the Survivor Series.

1994 - Bret winning the title from Yokozuna at WrestleMania X, and the first Shawn/Razor ladder match.

1995 - Lawrence Taylor, and Shawn Michaels collapsing on Raw.

1996 - The Iron Man Match and The Night the Lights Went Out at In Your House.

1997 - The Montreal Screwjob, Steve Austin becoming the hottest star ever, and first becoming aware of this little company called "ECW."

1998 - Mick getting thrown off the cell, and getting to see ECW Heat Wave live.

1999 - Mick winning the title, and Y2J's arrival.

2000 - Being thoroughly p*ssed off at the end of WrestleMania 2000.

2001 - WWF buying WCW, the tragic end of ECW, and the farce that was the Invasion angle.

2002 - Jericho's title reign, and Jodie being shocked at my language as we all watched WrestleMania at Ziggy's.

2003 - Brock's shooting star press, and the last Rock/Austin match ever.

2004 - Eddie winning the world title, WrestleMania 20, and my first exposure to a little company called "TNA."

2005 - The Unbreakable 3-way match, Angle/Shawn, and losing Eddie Guerrero.

2006 - Angle/Joe, Rey getting a title reign, seeing TNA live with Steph and J (Steph: "I like both guys! What do I do?"), and seeing ROH live with Greg, Chris and Matt.

2007 - Watching Mania at Downtown with the Shannons, seeing Taker win the title, reading Jericho and Bret's books, and the shock of that horrific and tragic day in July.

2008 - The emergence of Awesome Kong, Nigel McGuinness winning the world title and Cena's surprise return at the Rumble.

I still don't know, nor will I ever know, I suppose, why this art form holds such a large portion of my imagination. Maybe it was Jeff Jarrett who said it all best: "For those who understand, no explanation is necessary. For those who don't, no explanation will do."

I understand, and I still don't know. So, a salute to all those performers who have entertained me so much for the past 20 years. And a sincere hope that you'll all take better care of yourselves (and the business takes better care of you) throughout the next 20.

Yes, I'm still here...

2008-01-18T11:27:00.000-08:00

A few quick (very quick) updates and thoughts on stuff...

-Nothing but love and best wishes to James, Chris and especially little Aiden right now. Keep kicking ass, my young friend.

-The job is going very well, though (in turns) it's both nerve-racking and kinda dull. But on the whole I'm enjoying it a lot. But it also takes up a lot of hours each week. Ah, the joys of being on salary...

-"Sweeney" was awesome. About everything I could have hoped for from an adaptation, though why they took out all the chorus parts still puzzles me a bit. But on the whole, they did a great job.

-"Juno" was awesome, too. And to all those who are jumping all over the movie for having "unrealistic dialogue" - you have nothing to say when Quentin Tarantino or Kevin Smith write their "unrealistic dialogue," do you? And yet "Juno" is getting crapped on. Gee, could it be because it was written by a woman, and its lead character is a woman, and its subject is pregnancy, which only a woman would face? Nah, that couldn't be it.

-"One Missed Call" and "AVP:R" were less awesome. In fact, "One Missed Call" was the polar opposite of awesome. Saw it with Loren, who wanted to see it (I invited him out to a flick while Abby was out of town), and as soon as it was over, he turns to me and says, "I am so sorry."

-While we're on the subject, congrats to Abby on a successful L.A. trip!

-Read and thoroughly enjoyed Steve Martin's "Born Standing Up," as well as finally acquiring my own copy of book version of “Picasso at the Lapin Agile.” Has it really been FIVE YEARS since our production of it? Time flies...

-My grandmother turns 86 today. Happy birthday, Grandma!

Okay, more later, I promise. But for now, back to the grind. Hi ho, hi ho...

Surprise!

2007-12-02T19:15:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow morning will be my first shift as a manager for National Amusements theaters!

I'll be the Customer Service Manager over at the new Fallen Timbers location, which will be opening in a couple weeks.

Naturally, I'm very excited and a little nervous, but mostly grateful to be given the opportunity. It was very unexpected, and I'm sorry for not sharing the news with more of you sooner, but I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be kept hush-hush until it was official.

Also, of course, this means I'll be online even LESS than I have been recently, with my increasingly-occupied schedule, but I'll still be around, I promise.

But tomorrow, I join the ranks of the people who wear a suit to work! Wish me luck!

Two Notes About Awesome Stuff...

2007-11-27T15:16:00.000-08:00

-Something big has been going on in my life, which some of y'all know already. I'll spill the beans on it to everyone else as soon as it's 100% official, but trust me...this is good.

-But more importantly - since I was born on 8/13, Strong Bad E-Mail 183 would have become a sentimental favorite of mine for the numbers involved alone...but then you see what it's about, and you gotta know it would quickly become one of my favorite things of all time. "Ladies and gentlemen, joining me now backstage at the historic Empty High School Gymnasium..." Another. Instant. Classic. What are you waiting for? Click now and feel the power of the Sanctum of Spiky Shoulder Pads!!! :)

If you haven't seen this...

2007-11-02T19:58:00.000-07:00

...you should. So click here, darn it.

Jibblies 2!!!!

2007-10-29T16:53:00.000-07:00

You really should click here now. Trust me. :)

"All the good characters have already been jibblied!"

"What about Coach..."

"ALL. THE GOOD. CHARACTERS."

Instant classic.

Buncha Thoughts on Stuff

2007-10-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

-Yes, I'm still alive. Just pretty busy. Between some new job prospects and preparing for some actual new jobs, I have a lot on my plate at the moment. But I'm still around, I swear.

-Why is Amazon recommending "Queer as Folk - The Complete Series" to me because I viewed the "Saw" Trilogy box set? Is there really a natural cross-over audience there?

-BTW, "Saw IV" was pretty good, if a little confusing at first toward the end. Check it out if you're a fan.

-Bill O'Reilly is a blowhard moron. Not that we didn't know this already, but his ludicrous harping on Dumbledore being gay somehow being part of a massive indoctrination agenda just cements it all the more. Yes, in a series of books that got increasingly less-and-less kid oriented, a character being homosexual, which NEVER WOULD HAVE BEEN KNOWN unless a fan had asked Rowling a question, is part of a massive plot to get kids to be tolerant of gay people. And by the way, Bill, you prejudicial 'phobe, even if that WAS the goal, why is it inherently a BAD thing to encourage tolerance, anyway? Is tolerating difference inherently evil in the world between your ears? Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster I don't live there, then.

-Hey, the Red Sox won the series again. Somehow, it doesn't feel nearly as special this time. Sure, the fact that my team got beaten en route plays a role in that.

-And in other baseball news, A-Rod opts out of his Yankee deal. Gee, with the warm reception they gave him in the Bronx, I'm just shocked, aren't you?

-WWE is just teasing the fans now with the SAVE_US.222 campaign. Guys, you better debut Jericho soon or the sell-by date on this angle will be LONG gone.

-Still waiting to get my copy of Jericho's autobiography from Amazon. They're usually really good about shipping quickly, but this package seems to be moving like molasses in January, if the package tracker on USPS is to be believed.

-For Bargain Hunting Wrestling Fans: Wal-Mart (in B.G., at least) is selling the awesome Rey Mysterio set for only $15 bucks, and that's WITH the "preview disc" for Smackdown vs. Raw 2008.

-Waiting patiently for this year's Halloween Toon over at HomestarRunner.com, which has become just as much a holiday tradition as "Saw" has.

-Headache and stuffy head. Jeff going to lay down and get sleep now. See you guys later, and come on out to the Quadruple Bypass Film Marathon on Wednesday!

Whoa.

2007-10-05T20:45:00.000-07:00

By jove, I think they might just have it.

Depp's voice isn't great, but the look and performance seem spot-on. The set design and cinematography are outstanding. And I recognize almost every line, which probably means the script hasn't been tampered with much.

Please be good. Please oh please oh please.

The Wrestling Observer's Headline Says It All...

2007-08-30T20:47:00.000-07:00

"WWE wrestlers are so screwed this time"

Holy cow. Not only does this completely expose the Wellness Policy as totally ineffective (as many of these guys were buying tons of stuff during the period when testing was going on, and apparently none have been caught as of yet), but if these guys are indeed among the ten wrestlers WWE announced it had suspended earlier today, it completely straps the company of a ton of top names when they are already hard hit by injuries. Case by case of the big names:

Randy Orton: Current top challenger to the WWE Title on Raw.

Kennedy: Future main-eventer and has been planned to be Vince's son ever since the angle started.

John Morrison: Current ECW champ, whose insane push has totally buried the only other major star on the brand (CM Punk).

Umaga: Top Raw star and current IC champ.

William Regal: Currently Raw General Manager.

Chavo Guerrero: Being re-built as a heel on Smackdown, challenged Rey at SummerSlam in his comeback match.

Edge: Currently out with injuries, but will be a top heel on Smackdown when he returns.

Helms, Haas and Funaki are lower on the totem pole, but no less significant to this story.

In addition, the SI expose reveals that Benoit and Eddie Guerrero both received steroids from the same source, as did Brian Adams, who also just passed away a few weeks ago.

This has to be as low a point for the company as anything in the past ten years. More thoughts in the days to come. For now, I will leave with two questions:

1. Chavo - after what happened to Eddie, what the hell were you thinking?

2. Is there any way WWE can put EVERY title on CM Punk, right now?

Two Thumbs...uh, I mean, we really liked this movie...

2007-08-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

Well, now, THIS has gotta be the weirdest contract issue I've ever heard.

Granted, the whole "thumbs up" thing was invented by Roger, and trademarked by Roger AND Gene way back when, but you reach a slight impasse in negotiations and Disney STRIPS THE THUMBS from the show, just to be safe?

I mean, huh? Ebert's NAME is still attached to the show, but we can't have any thumbs on there until we get this settled? Even Roger seems to be amazed at the silliness of the whole thing. At least the Balcony Archive's content hasn't been affected by all this hooey...yet. (One imagines a WWE-esque editing job where any sign of the offending thumbs have to be blurred out for future usage.)

I can't let this pass without mentioning my favorite personal Ebert anecdote (forgive me if you've read this one before)...back in 1997, I bought Roger's book "Questions for the Movie Answer Man" and noticed that on the cover photo - a picture of Roger cupping his chin, Thinker-style - his hand seemed to be positioned to subtly suggest the classic "Thumbs Up" pose. I wrote to his then-active Movie Answer Man e-mail account to ask if this was intentional. He wrote back, "Someone FINALLY noticed the thumb! Congratulations!"

I responded, "Great! What do I win? :)"

Roger replied, "This: Thumbs Up! - Ebert"

So I can honestly say that, in my lifetime, I got a Thumbs Up from Roger Ebert.

And for right now, I have one more than the show itself does.

Just letting you know...

2007-08-20T13:11:00.000-07:00

...I didn't make it.

Naturally I'm disappointed, but I can honestly look myself in the mirror and say that I did my best, and beyond that it was out of my hands. I can walk away from this experience with my head up high.

Thanks again to everyone for their kind wishes, and to Abby, whose friendship and encouragement lead me to throw my hat into the ring in the first place.

What now? Now I wait to see what the future will bring. And maybe, just maybe, try a little more often to make it better.

Sweet Puttin' Cakes!

2007-08-13T08:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, life can be just plain weird.

It's my 30th birthday. Typically, on or around this day of celebration (yay! I didn't die for another year!), I go out for a round of miniature golf, usually with Abby, as I enjoy the game immensely. But this year, with Abby's injury, I decided to forgo my usual putting routine in favor of seeing movies all day. (Side note: Anyone in the area wanna come with? Gimme a shout! I'll be out all day!)

So today, in a nice birthday surprise, HomestarRunner.com just posted their first new Strong Bad E-mail in a while.

Its subject? Oh, I think you know.

Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. Or maybe, since I don't believe in fate, it's just an astounding coincidence. You make the call.

30 Things I've Learned in 30 Years

2007-08-12T21:03:00.000-07:00

(Inspired by Dave Barry's list, which I'm sure you've read - whether or not the version you got was the real one being another matter - here's mine, which is a little more serious and introspective. Well, some of it, anyway.)

1. The one thing every member of the human race has in common is, deep down, we all think that the theme from "Shaft" is pretty cool.

2. No matter what, life can always find a way to surprise you. For better or worse.

3. Love is unspeakably wonderful for those who find it, and utter agony for those who don't.

4. The act of creating something is the most fulfilling feeling in the world.

5. The universe is filled with enough beauty and mystery to satisfy several dozen lifetimes full of examination and contemplation.

6. The essential rule of existence is pretty simple, actually: Do what you want, as long as you don't hurt anyone else.

7. Question everything.

8. Soy sauce, as a condiment, works with most everything. Except dessert.

9. The better the movie, the less likely it is that a lot of people will see it.

10. There are few works of art quite as enthralling as a great wrestling match.

11. Music is the language of the soul, but translating that language to paper can be...difficult.

12. Tell her how you feel. Any answer is better than years of doubt.

13. You're gonna make mistakes. That's what makes you human. You sometimes won't apologize for them. That's what makes you an *sshole.

14. Beware of mocking current societal trends, because you'll just have to eat your words when you end up following them, anyway.

15. Comedy is harder than drama, but drama will always win the awards, because when comedy works, it looks easy.

16. Look deeper than skin deep. People who look beautiful, more often than not, spend most of their time doing nothing more interesting than looking beautiful.

17. Life, in general, is ugly and simple. It's up to us to make it more.

18. Just because a lot of people think something doesn't mean it's true. As Penn and Teller pointed out, "...'Candle in the Wind' by Sir Elton John is the best selling song of all time. 'Popular' sure doesn't mean 'right.'"

19. The one thing that we all need more of is empathy.

20. Just be patient, and Saturday Night Live will get good again.

21. You won't find many friends willing to go to the wall for you. When you do, if you let go even for a second, you're a damn fool.

22. No matter what anyone tries to say, looks do matter. Put Fabio and Einstein next to each other and see who the majority of potential sexual suitors walk off with.

23. Despite apparent public perceptions to the contrary, no harm ever comes from looking someone in the eye and saying, "Thank you."

24. There are few personality traits that pay more dividends than the tendency to follow a foolish impulse.

25. The surest sign of a mature human being is their willingness to admit that they don't know everything.

26. Life is too damn short to spend great chunks of it in states of chemically-altered consciousness.

27. Interesting conversation is one of the rarest and most precious commodities.

28. Sometimes, no matter how correct you are, you cannot win the argument. Doesn't mean that it's not worth fighting for.

29. Keep an open mind. Just not so open that your brain falls out.

30. Somebody, somewhere, hates you. Deal with it.

I Made the Top 14!

2007-08-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I can't believe it, either!

Short version: I joked with Abby about trying out to be her successor, and she encouraged me to do so. After hearing similar positive feedback from other folks, I went ahead and tried out at the final round of auditions Saturday morning. I thought it went well, but didn't harbor any illusions about my chances...after all, I'm not the most telegenic person in the world, so what are the odds that I'd actually make it?

So imagine my surprise when I got the call yesterday informing me that I had actually advanced to the second round. Who knew?

Another round of auditions comes next week, and we'll see how it goes...wish me luck!

And, oh, in four days I'll be 30! Gulp! :)

holds up four fingers on each hand

2007-08-07T22:08:00.001-07:00

And that's all I have to say about that.

Aw, I Didn't Get You Guys Anything!

2007-08-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

I've gotten an early birthday present from the Ebert and Roeper website...

The Balcony Archive - over 5,000 reviews spanning the past 20 years of the show, including, of course, many featuring Gene. I never thought I'd get to see most of these old shows ever again, and now here they are, at my fingertips.

If you'll excuse me, I'll be busy the next few weeks. :)

New Stuff

2007-07-05T21:16:00.001-07:00

I haven't been on the computer in a while (for those who know, no explanation is necessary, for those who don't, no explanation will do), but I got on tonight long enough to post three mini-reviews and one full-sized review on All Audiences. Take and enjoy!

Why?

2007-06-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

Why?

It is the most often-asked question in the wake of a tragedy, and the least often answered. At least, answered to any degree of satisfaction.

It is the question that I wish I could ask Chris Benoit right now. One I know will never be answered. And even if he were in a position to answer it, I doubt any explanation would ever be enough.

Barring a massive change of evidence in the days to come, it is now apparent that Benoit murdered his wife Nancy and his son Daniel over the course of the weekend, and then hung himself in his basement.

The natural, human response is one of anger and grief. But as I sit here, writing and trying to define my feelings, I also find myself in a state of confusion and dismay, one which will almost certainly never be completely lifted.

I've been following the news coverage, updated by friends over the course of the day (I was working), not really wanting to listen, because then it would become real. But it is real, and it is small-minded and naive of me to behave any other way.

A woman and her child are dead. A man I respected, a man whose professional success I vocally supported, a man who I thought of more highly than almost any other individual in his profession - he killed them.

Chris Benoit killed his wife and child. And then he killed himself.

And those of us left behind can do nothing but ask the eternal, unanswerable question - why?

In my position - as an individual who was simply a fan of the man's work - I am distraught and confused and angry. I cannot imagine what it is like for those who were his friends and co-workers. The same individuals who last night spoke so eloquently of how much they loved and cared for Chris, and how much they believed that Chris loved his family.

How do you deal with that? How do you reconcile the image of a man you knew and cared about and the image of the same man murdering his family?

What demons overtook you, Chris? Were they of a psychological or chemical nature? What brought you to this point?

WHY, goddammit, why?!?!? She was your WIFE. He was your SON. The boy was SEVEN YEARS OLD. Why did you decide to end their lives in cold blood? Why couldn't you stop yourself? Was the guilt you felt what caused you to end your life, as well?

I shout these questions in rage and sorrow, and no answers will arrive. And even if they could, the result would still be the same. Nancy and Daniel are dead.

The man who killed them - the only man who could possibly answer these questions - he is dead, too.

Those of us who are on the outside looking in are left with a disquieting reminder that no matter what, we can never really "know" those we watch perform, whether they be wrestlers or actors or sports heroes or anyone. We are separated by a wall of "persona," keeping the real person out of arm's reach.

The "Chris Benoit" we knew would never have done such a thing. But Chris Benoit did.

For those on the inside - those who worked with him and loved him - the questions are far more numerous and far more disquieting.

There will be a wrestling show tonight. ECW on the Sci-Fi channel. They are also taping Smackdown for Friday at the same event. Previously, when tragedy has struck the wrestling world, the act of watching a show was almost therapeutic, a chance to share in the grief while serving as a reminder that life would go on.

But for now, I can see no healing in watching ECW. Or Smackdown. Or any wrestling product. For now, I can only see pain and sadness.

It may be a while before I watch a wrestling show again.

Chris Benoit

2007-06-25T20:10:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, Chris Benoit, his wife Nancy and their son Daniel were found dead in their home in Atlanta.

For now, I will refrain from further comment until more details on the tragedy come to light.

Ahem...

2007-06-21T23:28:00.000-07:00

"Evan Almighty" review is up at All Audiences, for all those who are interested.

And I promise there WILL be new entries on THIS blog soon, beyond simply notifying when the movie blog has been updated.

Thank you. :)

FYI...

2007-06-14T00:51:00.001-07:00

"Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" review is up at All Audiences.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

A Moment, Please...

2007-06-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

Let us pause to reflect on a few pop culture icons who have departed in the past few days...

-Tony Soprano may or may not have been killed. Who knows? And the creator is certainly being gung-ho about not giving a damn what fans think about the non-ending. Me, I never watched the show, so I really couldn't care. But hey, I think the fact that he decided to be OUT OF THE COUNTRY when it aired certainly gives one the impression that he knew it wouldn't go over well.

-On a more somber note, over on HomestarRunner.com, The Paper has printed his last "Click here to e-mail Strong Bad." Sob! New Paper, you have a hell of a "preeoww" legacy to live up to!

-Oh, and if you didn't know, Mr. McMahon got blown up real good last night.

Um, yeah.

Hey, Slammiversary is this weekend!

Yay! New Reviews!

2007-06-12T19:43:00.000-07:00

"Ocean's 13" and "Waitress" are up at All Audiences. There will probably be a "Fantastic Four" review by Thursday morning. And that Royal Rumble review should be up...um, any week now? :)

Movie Quote Winners VII: Advent Children (There’s No Cute Way to Sneak “Quote” into that Phrase!)

2007-06-01T12:07:00.000-07:00

(Yes, it's been a while. I apologize. New quote is up now!)

121. “You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.” - “Chicago” - Lindsey

121 ½. “Ba weep grana weep ninny bon?” - “Transformers: The Movie” - Greg

122. “I’m an excellent driver.” - “Rain Man” - Lindsey

123. “That still only counts as one!” - “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King” - Beth

124. “Now I want you to remember that no b*stard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb b*stard die for his country.” - “Patton” - Beth

125. “From now on we are enemies, You and I. Because You choose for Your instrument a boastful, lustful, smutty, infantile boy and give me for reward only the ability to recognize the incarnation.” - “Amadeus” - Beth

126. “Somebody once wrote: ‘Hell is the impossibility of reason.’ That's what this place feels like. Hell.” - “Platoon” - Dave

127. “Well, sir, here we are again. We've had quite a time of it lately, but it seems that the worst of it is over. Course, the fireworks all blew up, but we can't very well blame that on you.” - “You Can’t Take It With You” - Dave

128. “You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how.” - “Gone with the Wind” - Beth

129. “I don't exactly know what I am required to say in order for you to have intercourse with me. But could we assume that I said all that? I mean essentially we are talking about fluid exchange, right? So could we go just straight to the sex?” - “A Beautiful Mind” - Beth

130. “If Mr. McMurphy doesn't want to take his medication orally, I'm sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way.” - “One Flew Over the Cookoo’s Nest” - Beth

131. “‘One thousand pounds for an elephant? It's outrageous! You've been diddled.’ ‘Undoubtedly. But it's not often one needs an elephant in a hurry.’” - “Around the World in Eighty Days” - Beth

132. “I don't feel I have to wipe everybody out, Tom. Just my enemies.” - “The Godfather: Part II” - Dave

133. “Fraulein, is it to be at every meal, or merely at dinnertime, that you intend on leading us all through this rare and wonderful new world of... indigestion?” - “The Sound of Music” - Natalie

134. “I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that.” - “Casablanca” - Lindsey

135. “‘Your island? You mean Ireland?’ ‘Yeah. It’s mine.’” - “Braveheart” - Steph

136. "Terrorists? (pause) I left the coffee pot on again, didn't I?" - “Clerks II” - Greg

137. “Believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds that I was doing something really stupid...and...I went ahead anyway.” - “Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie” - Lindsey

138. “(with mouthful of apple) Besides, there’s no reason we can’t be civil, is there?” - “300” - Steph

139. “Miss Pascal, I've been odd. I know I've been odd, and I know that there are many forces at work telling me to bring these down here to you, but I brought these for you because... I want you.” - “Stranger Than Fiction” - Lindsey

140. “I even see the dog. That's how f*cked up I still am. I see a man walking his German Shepard, and I see our g*ddamn Poodle!” - "Reign Over Me" - Natalie

YOUR SCORECARD:
Beth: 34
Dave: 31
Lindsey: 28
Greg: 15
Steph: 11
Natalie: 8
John: 4
Patrick: 3
J. Michael: 2
E. Sean: 1
Matt: 1
Tracey: 1

A Few Notes

2007-05-24T00:31:00.000-07:00

-Review of "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" is now up over at All Audiences. And, boy, it's a long one...

-Did I say that the Rumble '97 review would be done last Thursday or Friday? Boy, I was way off. It'll be up this weekend!...maybe.

-Hey, wanna see the new Joker? Gotcha covered. And ho-lee cow does Heath look creepy. I am digging this.

-Hey, American Idol ended tonight. Let me think...nope, still don't care.

-You kinda need to see Keith's Special Comment from last night's Countdown. He is just this side of Peter Finch in "Network" about the whole Iraq funding fiasco, and takes EVERYONE to task, especially the Democrats in Congress for caving. An excellent piece.

-And to close on a sad note, Jill Jarrett, wife of longtime TNA champion and mainstay Jeff Jarrett, passed away recently after a long bout with cancer. Jeff had been absent from TNA television for the past several months to be there with her, and had worked hard in the months prior to that, setting up the transition of his title to Sting at the Bound for Glory PPV. After years of being so hard on Jeff, so often, I can now only say that he has my utmost respect for working so hard for the good of the company, all while going through one of the most painful personal situations imaginable. My thoughts and condolences go to the entire Jarrett family.

Programming Notes for All JeffTV Viewers

2007-05-16T23:03:00.000-07:00

1.) Royal Rumble '97 is coming, hopefully done tomorrow or Friday.

2.) My advance review of "Shrek the Third" is now up over at All Audiences. Shrek fans may want to steer clear, it ain't exactly pretty.

All the Men in My Life Keep Getting Killed by Candarian Demons

2007-05-14T19:30:00.000-07:00

(From "Evil Dead: The Musical," which recently had a brief stint off-Broadway. You can hear the song in full, along with other samples, on the official MySpace page for the soundtrack, which is in stores now. Other sample song titles: "What the F*** Was That?" and "Ode to an Accidental Stabbing." In other words, if you haven't picked this up yet, YOU SHOULD.)

Lyrics by George Reinblatt
Music by Frank Cipolla, Christopher Bond, Melissa Morris and George Reinblatt

ANNIE:
All the men in my life
Keep getting killed by Candarian demons

ASH:
(spoken)
All the men in your life keep getting killed by Candarian demons?

ANNIE:
First there was Ed
A really nice guy
Didn’t talk too much
But I didn’t mind

I was all set
To marry him
But before we could consummate
Ed was killed
By a Candarian demon

ASH AND JAKE:
Candarian demon, Candarian demon, Candarian demon

ANNIE:
Then it was Daddy

ASH AND JAKE:
Daddy

ANNIE:
Who I could count on

ASH AND JAKE:
Ah-ooo

ANNIE:
He loved to read the Necronomicon

ASH AND JAKE:
Book of the Dead

ANNIE:
He also enjoyed

ASH AND JAKE:
Ah-ooo

ANNIE:
Playing board games

ASH AND JAKE:
Good family fun

ANNIE:
But he can’t sink my battleship now
‘Cause Dad was killed
By a Candarian demon

ASH AND JAKE:
Candarian demon, Candarian demon, Candarian demon

ANNIE:
They say love is cruel
And I believe them
My heart’s always bro-ho-ho-ken
‘Cause the men in my life
Keep getting killed by Candarian demons

(spoken)
Why???

JAKE:
(spoken)
I don’t know…

ASH:
(spoken)
Annie, baby, I know it seems bad now. It always does. But I think you’re exaggerating a touch, sugar bee! I mean, sure, your father and fiancé were killed by Candarian demons, but that’s only two men, isn’t it? I mean, there’s no way that ALL the men in your life could have been killed by Candarian demons!

ANNIE:
(spoken)
Oh, no?

(sung)
It was high school

ASH AND JAKE:
High school

ANNIE:
Senior prom

ASH AND JAKE:
Oh, yeah

ANNIE:
Going with my steady, Howie Brahm

ASH AND JAKE:
Howie Brahm

ANNIE:
A perfect night

ASH AND JAKE:
Howie Brahm?

ANNIE:
Like I always dreamed

ASH AND JAKE:
Little girl’s dream

ANNIE:
But when “Stairway to Heaven” began
Howe was killed by

ASH AND JAKE:
Damn!

ANNIE:
…A Candarian demon

ASH AND JAKE:
Candarian demon, Candarian demon, Candarian demon

ANNIE:
All my college boyfriends and my one-night stands
My male co-workers and platonic gay friends

ASH AND JAKE:
Hey!

ANNIE:
Every date I go on ends in demon bloodshed
And now that I’ve met you two guys,
I know you’ll soon be dead!

ASH AND JAKE:
(spoken)
What the fu-

ANNIE:
They say love is cruel
And I believe them
My heart’s always bro-ho-ho-ken
‘Cause the men in my life
And I mean all the men in my life
Every single man in my life
Keeps getting killed
By Candarian demons

ASH AND JAKE:
Candarian demons…

My Parents Remind Me How Cool They Are

2007-05-09T20:46:00.000-07:00

So, as part of an early Mother’s Day celebration (they’re gonna be out of town this weekend), I treated my folks to “Spider-Man 3.” And in the process of doing so, I learned two things: One, I really should do a re-review of Spidey as an addendum to the one I wrote last week, as there was a lot I unjustly left uncovered in my write-up that I’d like to discuss. And two, my folks are more knowledgeable in pop culture than I ever knew.

First, when the French concierge appeared early in the movie, my father began laughing quite loudly before a line was even spoken. He turned to my puzzled mom and said, “That’s Bruce Campbell!”

I was floored. My dad KNOWS who Bruce Campbell is? And knows him well enough to laugh in appropriately giddy anticipation when he appears? Color me happily surprised. In a post-movie conversation, it turns out Dad had first noticed him in “Sky High” as the gym teacher, and had picked up on his career ever since. Tres cool.

But my mom surprised me even more. I will spoil as little of the film as I can in describing this, but when a major transformation occurs and the movie’s third villain begins to take shape, my mom, completely wrapped up in the story, gasped, “Oh, no, it’s Venom!”

MY MOM KNOWS WHO VENOM IS?!?!?! My mother has never expressed even the slightest interest in comics in her life. *I* was a big Spidey fan as a kid, sure, but I had stopped reading before the Venom storyline had begun, so it couldn’t have been that. And, compared to Spidey and other iconic characters, Venom is not exactly a household name outside of the comic book universe. So how could she have ever heard of the character before seeing this movie?

I don’t know. I never asked her afterward. And at some level, maybe I don’t want to. Better to leave it as one of those unanswered questions, and as a gentle reminder that, no matter how long you have known someone (in this case, my whole life), they can still find a way to surprise you.

Forget Paris (Not the Movie)

2007-05-08T20:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, this HAS to be a joke, right?

Let us analyze this one line-by-line, shall we?

To: The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

Man, that phrase will always trip you up when you read it, won’t it? Years later and it still feels like the most elaborate prank Allen Funt ever put on.

Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton.

And no one would probably know or care about who she was if: a.) she wasn’t hot, b.) a video of her having sex hadn’t leaked on the net, and c.) she hadn’t starred in a really bad reality series for the network that brought you such wonderfully tasteful shows like “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire” and “Temptation Island.” Oh, and almost O.J.’s book special, can’t forget that.

She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world.

The hope that they, too, will become world famous for doing practically nothing. It’s the American dream!

She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.

Um, yeah. I get plenty of beauty in my life without Paris Hilton, thank you. And a fair share of excitement. Not as much as some, but more than others, and always the lowest price of any national chain. And may I suggest that the author of this piece speak for their (most of) self when calling the public mundane. If the American public has become so mundane that they need PARIS FRIGGIN’ HILTON to be free to feel complete, we are in way more trouble than even the biggest pessimists among us have feared.

Hilton is notable for her leading roles on the FOX reality series The Simple Life and in the remake of the Vincent Price horror classic "House of Wax".

Hilton was barely “notable” in either instance, I’d say. And what, “The Simple Life” gets no quotes? And let us clarify: “House of Wax” was never a classic even before they remade it.

In addition to her work as an actress, she has achieved some recognition as a model, celebrity spokesperson, singer, and writer.

Well, bird flu has “achieved some recognition” too, and I don’t see anyone filling out any petitions about that one. And, personal opinion, to call her either a “singer” OR a “writer” demeans anyone who has ever been connected to either term. Paris Hilton on her best day couldn’t touch Judith Krantz on her worst.

As most of America now knows, Ms. Hilton was just charged in a Los Angeles court with DUI and sentenced to 45 days in Century Regional Detention Facility in California beginning on or before June 5, 2007.

Okay, statement of fact. Nothing in dispute there.

We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong.

Oh, *I* get it! Paris is being used as a sacrificial lamb! Her amazing, life-affirming celebrity status is being used against her, and she’s paying a price to teach the rest of us, the American public that hang on her every word and action, that NO ONE is above the law, not even the very hot and talentless! How dare they! How dare the California Highway Patrol use our beloved Paris for such a repulsive purpose? Notice how they have yet to - and will not - dipute the claim that their beloved Paris WAS drinking and driving, which IS a major offense, one which any of the rest of us would face punishment for. So far, the argument is that Paris should be freed BECAUSE of her celebrity, not in spite of it.

We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn't go to jail, either.

Again, no reason for believing this yet. It’s just a statement in isolation devoid of any supporting facts.

As depicted on Friday night's episode "Nancy Grace" on Headline News (May 4, 2007), countless celebrities have been "slapped on the wrist" for similar incidents recently. Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Tracy Morgan, Wynonna Judd, to name a few, were arrested and never did a day in jail after their initial arrests for drunk driving /DUI /DWI charges.

Case by case:

Nolte has been arrested several times for DUI, and in his most recent incident he was sentenced to three years’ probation, as well as random testing over that time. Not jail time, understood, but he WAS punished.

Gibson pleaded no contest to DUI, and as a result got other charges dropped, which certainly lightened his legal burden. He got, in order, 3 years probation, a 90-day alcohol abuse program, 12 months of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, a $1,300 fine and a 90 day restriction on his license. Again, no jail time, but he wasn’t just released with time served and sent on his merry way.

Morgan has been arrested twice on DWI - the first time, in 2005, he got 3 years probation and a fine. After the most recent arrest, he was sentenced to wear a bracelet which will test his skin for alcohol vapors every 30 minutes. If he’s caught twice during that time frame, he will be going to jail.

Judd also pled guilty to the charges and her license was suspended for a year. She was sentenced to 200 hours of community service and placed on probation, as well.

Hilton was arrested in September for DUI and pled no contest. She got (SURPRISE!) 3 years’ probation and had to pay a $1,500 fine. Hmm, sounds like she got EXACTLY THE TREATMENT everyone else got, doesn’t it? THEN what happened is, the L.A. attorneys asked for the jail sentence because she violated said probation, THREE TIMES, by speeding (with her headlights off - no jokes, please), driving with a suspended license, and then not enrolling in the court-ordered alcohol program within 21 days of sentencing. In other words, she was arrested, given the same punishment as everyone else, got caught violating probation multiple times, which, in turn, means jail time. So much for the “Paris the Martyr” angle.

Rappers Busta Rhymes and Eve still walk free after both being arrested for the same charges as Ms. Hilton just this past week.

Rhymes has yet to be tried for the charges against him, and just rejected a plea bargain that would have put him in jail for a year. He still faces massive jail time. The Eve charges were just filed, and she hasn’t even been arraigned yet.

Brandy's California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI was evidenced in her accident, resulting in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today, never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED most likely due to her reckless driving!

The case may still be pending in the Brandy investigation - the California Highway Patrol recommended in January that she be charged with Vehicular Manslaughter, which could carry a sentence of one year in jail and a $1,000 fine. She’s also being sued for $50 million by the family of the woman who died.

Yet, Paris Hilton did not hurt, injure, or kill anyone or anything, and yet she must do jail time.

Because, while not hurting, injuring or killing anyone, she was violating the terms of the probation she was sentenced to when she pleaded no contest to the charge of DUI. Again, what’s the problem?

This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake. Please allow her to her return to her career and life.

I’ll be nice and not ask the author to define “career” in connection with Ms. Hilton.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Like you, writing this?

She didn't hurt or kill anyone, and she has learned her lesson. She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday. She is distraught and understandably afraid.

I’m sure she was all these things back in December when she was sentenced. You saw how long THAT lasted.

WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT to save our Paris from ending up at the Century Regional Detention Facility! Please sign to tell The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of the State of California, to think about the welfare of this young woman who has made a mortal error and deserves a second chance like so many others in our great nation have been served with after a mistake they have made.

She MADE a mistake. She was GIVEN a second chance. She blew it. Tough break.

If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton.

A-HEM. If you wanted to strike a sobering and appropriate note to drum up support, comparing Hilton to Nixon was NOT the way to go. We could go all day about why exactly Ford pardoned him. But come ON, you’re comparing a scandal that rocked the country to its very core to a young socialite who got caught violating probation. The two scenarios are not exactly compatible. And if you wanted to get Arnold on your side in this, one must also point out that pardoning Nixon KILLED Ford’s political career. Not exactly the note one wants to play at this point in your argument.

Look, dude, there are plenty of things in life which are worth fighting for. Truth. Love. Pride. Social injustice. Poverty. The environment. Health care. And on, and on, and on. Tons of issues which deserve the kind of passion and attention that you demonstrate here. There is so much good to be done, and we all have such a brief flicker of time in this grand universe to do it in. Do you REALLY want to waste any of it fighting to keep a billionaire socialite out of jail for a month and a half?

5 Years Ago Today...

2007-05-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

Legal stupidity and wrong-headed stubbornness led to the World Wrestling Federation becoming World Wrestling Entertainment, morphing from "the WWF," a moniker under which it become the most recognizable brand in wrestling history, to "WWE."

In honor of this monumental moment in history, for today, I have also decided to change my name, deleting all "F"s in favor of "E"s. Yes, for this day only, please refer to me as "Jeee."

Well, maybe not.

Holy Frijoles...

2007-05-06T09:29:00.000-07:00

Can you say, "148 million dollar opening weekend?"

Congrats to Raimi and his crew for once again tearing down the ceiling of expected grosses and setting the bar high for the rest of the summer. The gauntlet has been thrown: Can "Pirates" top it when "At World's End" premieres in three weeks? Or can "Shrek" when "the Third" opens in two weeks?

A few fun facts:

-Spidey 1's opening weekend take was $114 million, a record that stood until "Pirates: Dead Man's Chest" opened with $135 million last year. Spidey 1 was the first movie to pass $100 million in its first weekend, an achievement that is a little more commonplace now (in addition to Pirates 2, Episode III, Shrek 2, X-Men 3, and Harry Potter 4 all passed that mark in their opening weekend).

-Spidey 2's opening, with $88 million, seems positively meager by comparison, but it came out later in the summer, after a bunch of big movies had already bowed (Shrek 2 and Potter 3, for example), whereas Spidey 1, like 3, acted as the summer's leadoff hitter.

-The film that has held the #1 slot at the box office the past 3 weeks, "Disturbia," has, to date, made $59 million. "Spider-Man 3" made $59 million on ITS FIRST DAY.

I think the summer has begun. :)

Psst.

2007-05-02T23:52:00.000-07:00

Hey. Over here.

Be gentle, it's my first one in quite a while. :)

Royal Rumble '96

2007-05-01T22:46:00.000-07:00

Need to Knows:

Shawn lost at WrestleMania, turned face after that and he and Diesel are buddies again. Then Shawn got attacked at a nightclub (legitimately, I think) and suffered a concussion. This led to a long “will he ever wrestle again?” angle, which was answered when he announced his entry into the Rumble.

Bret won the title back from Diesel at the Survivor Series.

Diesel snapped and beat him up after the match, and as a result became the WWF’s first attempt at being a “tweener” - not quite a face and not quite a heel.

The Attitude Era was still a few years away, but the seeds of it were planted: sexuality was being more blatantly introduced into the shows and a hardcore edge getting a bit more commonplace.

In short, things were more interesting than they were before, but not quite as interesting as they would be in the future. Welcome to the Mediocre Middle.

Royal Rumble 1996
1/21/1996
Fresno, California

The World Wrestling Federation: For over 50 years, the revolutionary force in having their logo rise up out of the side of a mountain and making themselves feel all important and stuff.

And we cut to Sunny in a bathtub: “Tonight’s show contains action of a graphic nature. Viewer indiscretion - (giggle) - I mean, viewer discretion is advised.” For the record, Sunny was in many ways a revolutionary figure: Tammy Sytch was pretty much the first major sex symbol to come out of the WWF in the mid-90’s, and the roles that women play in today’s WWE almost invariably follow the pattern that she laid down. For better or worse. It’s just too bad how her own career and life have taken such turns for the worse in the interim, with her own well-publicized problems and the loss of Chris Candido. I sincerely hope she can turn her life around - she is such an enormously talented performer, and I firmly believe that she could still have a ton to offer the wrestling business if she does so.

The first “Pre-Show Music Video with Grandiose Narration” for a Rumble. These would get more elaborate as time went on, but even in the early days the WWF’s great production staff did an amazing job of setting up the show and making it all seem important. Even the Razor Ramon/Goldust match. No music overdubs or anything, for the record.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Mr. Perfect, who had been phased into a commentary role upon returning to the company at the Survivor Series. Hennig was always an extremely entertaining commentator - I always preferred his work to Lawler’s, though Jerry has grown on me over the years. Much like kudzu grows in the South.

“Double J” Jeff Jarrett vs. Ahmed Johnson
Jarrett and the Roadie had suddenly departed the WWF after Jarrett lost the IC title to Shawn Michaels over the summer, and Jarrett returned solo in December. This run wouldn’t last long, either - he was pretty much gone by WrestleMania and showed up in WCW not long after. Upon his return, Jarrett immediately set up a feud with Ahmed, who was the new phenom of the Federation. I mean, Ahmed was IT. He was big, he had charisma, his offense was hard-hitting, he could even fly if he wanted to. Think Goldberg, or, in today’s terms, think Bobby Lashley. And these were the early days when it seemed there was nowhere for Ahmed to go but up. Well, he went up, but then injuries hit him hard, and soon it became a running gag that he couldn’t do anything without hurting himself or his opponent. Within 2 years, he was gone from the company. It was a little sad after these early days showed all that promise. Jarrett goes for an early shot, but Ahmed is having none of that and quickly takes over. Jarrett tries to come back with wrestling, but Ahmed overpowers him. And it kinda goes on like that. The crowd is right with everything that Ahmed does. Ahmed goes for a big clothesline and ends up getting his hand tied in the ropes, which opens the door for Jarrett to start controlling the match. A few trips to the apron and the steps give him more solid control. Back in and we get the typical Jarrett offense, punctuated by struts. Ahmed starts running in place, which I guess is his version of Tatanka’s War Dance, and Jarrett keeps hitting flying moves that get no-sold. Ahmed finally catches him in a bear hug, then a clothesline and a spine buster for good measure. Jarrett rolls to the floor, so Ahmed simply hits him with a no hands plancha, landing on his head in the process. Hmm, I’m beginning to see why he got hurt so often. Ahmed tosses Jarrett back in and goes for a senton bomb, but misses and starts selling his knee. Jarrett, of course, locks on the Figure Four, and as Ahmed struggles the crowd starts rumbling for Ahmed. He finally turns it around and Jarrett grabs the ropes. Jarrett gets back on the knee, then tries the Figure Four again, and Ahmed simply kicks him with the other leg and sends him to the floor. Jarrett, then, decides he’s had enough of the match and waffles Ahmed with a guitar shot from the top rope for the DQ. Jarrett quickly heads out, Ahmed recovers and chases him to the back. The crowd really dug Ahmed, but the match was way too short to be worth anything, really.

To Todd Pettengill with Diesel, who is in his “I’m too cool for this interview segment” phase. He compares himself to an immature 9th grader who has been left home alone. A more apt analogy may have never been made.

WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Bodydonnas (w/ Sunny) vs. The Smoking Gunns (champions)
This was just before the era where Sunny basically managed every team which won the tag team titles over an 8-month stretch, hopping from team to team with the frequency of a cheap ham radio (to steal a line from Dan Aykroyd). The Bodydonnas are Skip (Chris Candido) and Zip (Dr. Tom Pritchard), newly minted as a tag team after Skip spent a half a year working as a single wrestler and feuding with Barry Horowitz, of all people. They are getting a tag title shot because we are in an era where we have no real tag team division at all, so as soon as we get a new team, they are immediately put in title contention out of sheer necessity. Wait, I think we’re still in that era. The Gunns are, of course, still Billy and Bart, though they’d finally be broken up by the time 1997 rolled around. It’s pretty interesting how almost everyone in this match ended up making a pretty big impact on wrestling history in their own ways: Sunny as explained earlier, Chris as a tremendous worker who put on great matches everywhere he went before his tragic passing in 2005, Dr. Tom by training basically an entire generation of WWF performers, and Billy as one half of the quintessential team of the late 90s, the New Age Outlaws. The only odd man out is Bart “Is That My Head in the Front Row?” Gunn. As an aside, Vince tends to get, shall we say, focused on the talent of an individual or team, and proceeds to push them to the moon, logic or results notwithstanding. Witness the Gunns, who got pushed regularly for, like, 3 years straight despite never really being what you would classify as “over.” Or maybe that’s just a sign of how mediocre the tag scene was at this point. Sunny gets a bigger reaction exiting the ring than the Gunns do with their whole entrance. Good, fast paced back-and-forth action to start. Nifty spot where Bart counters a slingshot into the ring by simply letting go of the ropes, then whips the Donnas to the floor in response as they fail to follow the same tactic. Billy even hits a tope to the floor. Skip gets ping-ponged between the Gunns to become…uh, Heel in Trouble? Sunny blows kisses and shows off her assets to distract the Gunns, but it goes nowhere. Zip comes in and gets more of the same treatment. More good back-and-forth stuff. Sunny gets on the apron so Billy can knock her off while he’s running the ropes, which finally gives the Donnas control when Billy gets jumped checking on her. Billy is now your Face in Trouble, naturally. The Donnas show some pretty nifty teamwork for a pair that has been together for all of a few weeks at the time this match had taken place. Not, like, Midnight Express-level or anything, but definitely good. A pretty contrived TRIPLE knock-out sets up the Race to Tag…tag to Bart, House Afire, and soon Hell, as is its wont, dutifully Breaks Loose. The Gunns hit their finisher, the Sidewinder (combination sidewalk slam and legdrop), but Sunny’s distracting the ref. The Donnas nail Bart illegally as he covers, but that only gets two. The Donnas work over Bart and try a double suplex, but Billy spears Zip and Bart gets a rather sloppy cradle on Skip for the pin to retain. Not a bad match, really, but there wasn’t much in the way of crowd interest.

And now we get…oy vey…a compilation of Billionaire Ted’s Wrasslin’ Warroom. For those playing the home game, the WWF decided to fire back at WCW by running skits depicting their wrestlers as old and boring and stuff. None of the skits could be called “entertaining” in any sense of the word, they were just trying to run them down for the sake of running them down. It ended up being a very costly waste of time, as not only was nothing accomplished, but when Scott Hall and Kevin Nash showed up on WCW TV and addressed the WCW stars using the parody nicknames the WWF had used in these skits, it gave the impression to the marks at home that the WWF was indeed behind the invasion, without anyone ever actually having to say the letters “WWF.” Hindsight being 20-20 and all that, Vince and company probably wish they had never done these skits. Especially given how they were marketing Hogan as old and washed up over TEN YEARS AGO and they still were using him until recently.

Feud In Review: Goldust/Razor Ramon. Long and the short of it is, Goldie’s been hitting on him. The Attitude era didn’t really get underway for another few years, but as noted, the first inklings of a more “edgy” storytelling style were starting to come into effect, and the Goldust character was the first out of the gate. If previous depictions of homosexual characters in WWF storytelling were simply accomplished through implication and innuendo, Goldust was the first on a national level to make the overtones explicit. He was originally supposed to be the “embodiment of Hollywood,” but when that got no heat, the character’s effeminate overtones were turned to 11 and he started coming onto Razor Ramon, which started drawing homophobic heat. This would progress throughout the first year of the character’s run, making each of his feuds essentially the same: He’d express some supposed romantic interest in a babyface, which got boos, and then the babyface would snap and beat him up in response, which got cheers. Yep, you should never, EVER, under any circumstances, undersell wrestling’s ability to be a bastion of sensitivity and good taste in dealing with societal issues.

Intercontinental Title Match: Goldust (w/ Marlena and the Usher) vs. Razor Ramon (champion)
Goldust is, of course, Dustin Rhodes, in a grand effort to escape from his father’s rather ample shadow. You could say it succeeded, I guess. Marlena is his then-wife Terri, who would go onto become one of the longest-tenured of all the WWF divas. This is her first WWF appearance, and the announcers don’t know her name or who she is at this point, though they make a big deal of asking why Goldust has a woman with him. The Usher is just some guy who followed Goldie around for the first few months before disappearing. It is gonna be hard to evaluate this one as a match, as the way they are making mockery of sexual issues (for the sake of cheap heat) is so offensive to me as an adult that it’s hard for me to separate the disgust I feel from the work the wrestlers are doing. I’ll just roll with it and see what happens. Goldie’s entrance takes FOREVER. In the grand scheme of things, I really wish they had never incorporated the golden dust falling from the ceiling in Goldie’s entrance, as for years we had matches where wrestlers were forever landing on the floor and ending up with glitter plastered to their back for the rest of the night. This was Razor’s fourth and last reign as IC champ. Razor was also feuding with the newly heel-turned 1-2-3 Kid, a fact I point out for no reason and to establish nothing that may or may not happen later. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. We get a ton of shots of Marlena in her director’s chair on the floor. Goldie starts with his deep breathing and touching himself bit early, to loud boos. Razor tosses a toothpick at Goldie in response. More deep breathing, more boos. MORE deep breathing, including the full *ss-stroking routine, drawing exactly the chant you’d expect it to. You have to work really hard to make TNA’s “Brokeback Mountain!” chant look subtle and sophisticated. Razor works the arm as something resembling a wrestling match starts. Goldie breaks holds by feeling Razor up, again drawing huge boos. Chant for Razor. They certainly have the crowd into it, though they’re having to appeal to the lowest common denominator to do it. Yeah, that’s wrestling’s usual M.O., I admit it, but I don’t have to like it. And I believe working angles like this, beyond being insensitive and exploitive, does nothing but demean the work of art that a great wrestling match can be. So I’m gonna speak out when something truly offensive is going on. It may be an uphill fight, but most fights worth pursuing are. Anyway, we get back into something close to wrestling, as Razor slaps him around for a bit. He even spanks Goldie, who responds positively to it, drawing more boos. We head to floor for a game of “let’s hide behind the manager,” then back in for a headlock sequence that ends with a big punch from Ramon. More Hiding Behind Marlena on the floor, then back in to blow Razor a kiss, to more boos and chants. Big clothesline sends Goldie to the floor. And YET ANOTHER game of Hiding Behind Marlena FINALLY gives Goldust the advantage. Back inside, Goldust starts working Razor over for a few near falls. Marlena blows some gold dust into Razor’s eyes on the ropes, though it’s really more like she tries to blow it into his eyes and it just kinda falls to the floor. More Goldust domination leads to a sleeper. WE love RESTholds, clap clap clapclapclap. Razor breaks the hold in that most babyface of ways, by kicking Goldust in the groin. I Block, You Don’t, won of course by Razor. Chokeslam by Razor for 2. Backslam for 2. Back suplex off the top as Marlena tries to come in the ring to distract the ref, allowing the 1-2-3 Kid to SHOCKINGLY sneak in and nail Razor with a spin kick. Goldust covers, 1, 2, 3, new IC champ. Goldie and Marlena exchange a rather, um, unique French kiss post-match. Goldust would hold the belt for the next six months, while Razor would get stuck facing the Kid in the infamous “Crybaby Match” at the next PPV before heading to WCW. And I can safely say that beyond being offensive on a narrative level, it was pretty lousy as a match, too.

And now, your Pre-Rumble Interview Montage! Dr. Jeffrey Unger is going to win the Rum…oh, wait, no, he’s just here to tell us that Shawn is cleared to compete. Oh, come on, doc, why don’t you take a shot and enter? You’d be at LEAST as credible as Drew Carey was. Owen Hart is gonna win, and end Shawn’s career! Jake Roberts is gonna win! The King is gonna win! Barry Horowitz is gonna…oh, who am I kidding? Vader is gonna win! Shawn is gonna win! He officially dubs his fans “the Clique,” and you can just hear the WWF writers giggling in self-aware glee at coming up with THAT one.

To Vince and Perfect, who set up the Rumble rules and everything. Yes, the Rumble is next, marking the first time where the Rumble match did not actually close the Rumble PPV. And the intervals are back to 2 minutes, thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They also mention a match that happened on the Free for All (the PPV pre-show which debuted here and continues to this day) where two guys faced off, winner getting #30, loser getting #1. As a result, Duke “The Dumpster” Droese gets 30, aaaaaaaaand….

The Royal Rumble

First Two Entrants: #1. Hunter Hearst Helmsley, #2. Henry O. Godwinn
Hoo boy. For the uninitiated who are wondering just who the hey this Helmsley character is, please reflect upon the abbreviation of that overly complicated nickname: HHH. Why, three H’s in a row, you might almost say it was a TRIPLE H. Yep, we all have to start somewhere, and Trips began back in 1995 as an “American Blueblood” who wore red hunting jackets and dress shirts and acted all snobby and stuff. He also had about 50 pounds less muscle and much nicer hair. Oh, and he couldn’t have drawn heat if he had set fire to a baby in the middle of the ring and snorted its ashes like Keith Richards. (I know, I know, Keith didn’t actually do it, he was just making a joke, but the line made me laugh so I’m using it.) The man just had no aptitude for making fans care about him, a trend that would continue for another two years until he started leeching off of Shawn’s heat in the original run of DX. Then, when he was turned heel for his main event push, the fans stopped caring about him AGAIN, which could only be remedied by pushing him to the moon, having him marry the boss’s daughter (in storyline and then in real life) and having Mick job his career away to him. Yes, it took a good FIVE YEARS of concerted effort on the part of the WWF before Trips started drawing consistent heat on his own. That’s why I laugh so hard when I see some people proclaim how Trips has so obviously earned his main event pushes. Anyhoo. Godwinn had been turned face and was actually feuding with HHH at this point, having had the epic Hog Pen Match the month before on PPV, so this segment would have some heat if it had any heat. Slugfest to start, with Godwinn dominating with power. HHH comes back by going to the eyes. Pretty dull opening segment, really.

#3. Mr. Bob Backlund
Bob was in his “I’m contemplating running for the presidency of the United States of America!!!!” phase. He enters to his music, which means that we are now in the era where we are playing themes during Rumble entrances, which means that the set could get a wee bit more complicated legally from this point on. Backlund saves Hunter from elimination right away and goes to work on Godwinn. We go into Every Man For Himself mode, with everyone trying to eliminate everyone for a few minutes.

#4. “The King” Jerry Lawler
Interesting group to start with, seeing as how we seem to expect Henry Godwinn to hold the fans’ interest as a babyface. That sure is giving Godwinn credit. Or, more accurately, credit to the fans’ attention span. Lawler directs traffic against Godwinn, leading to an effort to slop Godwinn with his own bucket (if you don‘t know, you don’t wanna), but Godwinn fights out, sends them to the floor and slops all three of them, instead. And a few lucky fans in the front row, too. Yes, with your front row Rumble ticket you also got, free of charge, partially drenched in half-eaten farming gook. I have NO idea why attendance was down in this era, do you? Even Perfect is making the obvious Gallagher jokes.

#5. Bob “Spark Plug” Holly
And the crowd goes wild. Bob works over Lawler, though given what the heels went through I would be somewhat hesitant to hit any of them at this point. Maybe in a few minutes. Vince: “As this ring fills up - if it does - the likelihood of maneuverability is lessened considerably.” Vinnie apparently did the “Increase Your Word Power” puzzle in Reader’s Digest earlier that day. Everyone works on someone. Godwinn almost gets tossed out by Helmsley.

#6. King Mabel
We decided that Mabel was worth a main event push, so we turned him heel and had him win the KOTR tournament. The end result was Diesel/Mabel, certifiably the worst SummerSlam main event ever, with the possible exception of the Macho Man/Elizabeth wedding at Summer Slam ’91. The WWF gave up on the Mabel-as-top-heel experiment pretty quickly after that. He works over Henry Godwinn. HHH and Holly face off in mid-ring. Main event anywhere in the country, that match. The sad thing is, nowadays, WWE would really like you to believe that would be the case. Backlund half-heartedly tries to eliminate them both.

#7. Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Jake is making his WWF return after a four year absence, with both a WCW run and a long struggle with alcoholism occurring in the interim. He gets a huge reaction, bigger than everyone else in the ring combined to this point. He also, naturally, brings a snake, which clears the ring except for an oblivious Lawler, who as a result gets covered in python for his troubles. Big pop for that, and the sight of Lawler bolting out of the ring on all fours is pretty funny. We clear the snake out and the Rumble resumes, without Lawler, who is nowhere to be seen. Mabel gets tied in the ropes and worked over.

#8. Dory Funk, Jr.
One of the all-time greats and former NWA champion, playing this year’s “Old-Timer-as-Rumble-Entrant.” He’s also, naturally, Terry’s brother. He also gets Sam Houston’s music for some reason. This guy was a true iron man from back in the day where the NWA world champion would be a touring titleholder, roaming from territory to territory and making the local talent look like stars because they could hang with the NWA champ. Jim Cornette tells stories of Dory going to towns he had never been to and wrestling guys he had never met for matches that would last an hour. “Hi, I’m Dory. Nice to meet you. Get me in a headlock.” I have footage of Dory from the 1970s, and he looks EXACTLY THE SAME in this Rumble as he does in my tape. That is simply amazing personal conditioning. As a point of reference, this guy was older when he participated in this Rumble than Hulk Hogan is TODAY. He and Backlund pair off for a little battle of the legends. Crowd keeps chanting for the DDT. We catch a shot of Lawler hiding under the ring though he’s not been eliminated. Smart, though it would have been smarter if he hadn’t been caught on camera. Godwinn nails a clothesline which takes Mabel down…landing right on Helmsley’s legs. Yee-ouch.

#9. Yokozuna
Yoko was up to maybe 600+ pounds at this point, not counting his beard. He goes right after Backlund and tosses him out easily, finally notching our first elimination after over 15 minutes. Then it becomes the Battle of the Bulging Waistlines, as Yoko and Mabel pair off in the corner, with poor Henry Godwinn trapped in the corner behind them. More DDT chants. Godwinn ends up on the mat and EVERYONE takes a shot at him for good measure.

#10. The 1-2-3 Kid
The Kid is chased to the ring by Razor, and they do a few laps around ringside before the referees are able to catch Razor and order him to the back. A few of the refs even get to do some unintentional pratfalls in the slop. Jake eliminating Godwinn goes completely unnoticed during the fun.

#11. Takeo Omori
This year’s entrant from Japan, who in the years to follow would become a pretty big star in Japan and is, apparently, the current AWA champion, although the very existence of the AWA independent from WWE’s ownership of the name is in legal doubt at this point. He also gets the Orient Express’s music to enter, which makes NO sense - we have to overdub the Express theme when the Express uses it, but when another Japanese wrestler gets it as a grace note for a cameo, we can play it just fine? What the pfargtl? Give him credit for guts, he goes after Mabel to start. Omori even takes him down with a dropkick. Dory almost eliminates the Kid. Jake squares off with Yoko and takes him down to a huge reaction.

#12. Savio Vega
Savio was unmasked back in May and became a babyface buddy to Razor. He wasn’t appreciably over at this point, though that would change during his feud with another guy who will be making his debut in this Rumble. We’ll deal with him later. Big Savio spinkick takes down Mabel, then Yoko takes advantage and dumps Mabel out. As a kid, having never seen Yoko take a bump over the top to the floor, there was legitimate concern on my part that Yoko was gonna win this thing, as I didn’t see how he could be eliminated. That, and the next entrant’s Rumble debut, were the only things which kept Shawn from being a complete lock as winner. Omori tries to eliminate Jake, but the momentum is too great and Omori tumbles out instead. Jake’s getting a really solid push in this one. Bob Holly works on Yoko, and the look on Yoko’s face is one of amusement at the sheer chutzpah being displayed.

#13. Vader
Vader is making his WWF debut, after a little backstage scuffle with Paul Orndorff (with Paul dominating, wearing sandals, no less) led to Vader departing WCW. It was unclear whether he’d be brought into the WWF as a face or heel, a status clarified by Jim Cornette being introduced as Vader’s manager here. Vader works on Bob Holly to start. Aim high, big man. Savio slowly eases Dory to the floor for the elimination. Vader really doesn’t make much impact for a monster making his debut.

#14. Doug Gilbert
Doug is the late “Hot Stuff” Eddie Gilbert’s brother, and is in this Rumble as a grace note to Lawler’s USWA, which was sort-of being used as a farm system by the WWF at that point. He also gets the LEAST intimidating music in wrestling history to enter. Imagine a hoedown song from “Hee Haw” with even less scrotum and you’ve got it. Jake finally nails a DDT on Savio, and the production crew stupidly cuts away just before he delivers it. When the crowd has been chanting for a move all match, IT’S A GOOD IDEA TO ACTUALLY SHOW IT BEING EXECUTED. Just saying, is all. He goes for another one on Gilbert, but Vader stops it with a punch, which Jake dramatically oversells, going over the top to the floor. Good run for Jake in his comeback, though. Vader then works over Gilbert. Wow, only the biggest game in the forest for that dude, let me tell you.

#15. Squat Team #1
A team of big 400-pound identical twins who are better known elsewhere as the Headhunters. Which brings to mind the obvious question: The SQUAT TEAM? That was really the best we could come up with? Okay, maybe Headhunters was too close to Headshrinkers, but really? Eh, it doesn’t matter, this Rumble was basically their only appearance ever, anyway. Vader continues to beat on Gilbert, determined to prove his dominance by pounding on a guy whose lone career highlight was wrecking Power Pro Wrestling by shooting on Jerry Lawler. But such is prologue. Anyway, Vader presses Gilbert to the floor to end his run. Squat Team #1 tries his luck on Vader, too, and gets tossed just as easily. Yoko and Vader start trading punches, to Cornette’s horror.

#16. Squat Team #2
#1 meets #2 in the aisle and they decide to head back in together and get revenge on Vader, and that goes as well as you’d expect, which is to say Vader pounds both of them and tosses #1 again, followed by Yoko tossing #2, as well. I just wanted to say for the record how proud I am that I got through a segment where I had to say “#1 and #2” a lot without resorting to a single bit of scatological humor. Thank you. Savio tries to eliminate Hunter, as we’re over half done and HHH is still hanging tough, meaning he’s getting this year’s Ted DiBiase push.

#17. Owen Hart
Owen is “the man who put Shawn Michaels on the shelf,” as in a rather famous angle on Raw he kicked Shawn in the head which caused a “aggravation of his concussion,” which led to Shawn collapsing on live TV. That was actually a very well executed angle, and had us all believing for a bit that Shawn really was hurt, but it turned out to be a set up for Shawn’s world title run at WrestleMania. Vader and Yoko work over Savio with splashes and legdrops and avalanches, oh my.

#18. Shawn Michaels
Big pop for Shawn in his return. Shawn’s attitude as a babyface performer in this era is interesting - he seems almost too excited to be out there, like he’s subtly mocking the very conventions of face-dom in the process of performing them. Shawn works on the world a bit as Vader clotheslines Savio out. Shawn beats on Clique-mates the Kid and HHH before finally fighting supposed feud-ee Owen Hart. Yoko and Vader start exchanging blows again, leading to both guys fighting on the ropes…so Shawn runs up and dumps them BOTH out to the floor. Well, that’s one way to do it. Crowd goes ballistic, naturally. Shawn presses the Kid to the floor as an exclamation point. The ring is certainly a lot more vacant now…or, in Vince-speak, the likelihood of maneuverability is increased considerably.

#19. Hakushi
Great Japanese wrestler Jinsei Shinzaki, whose WWF career started promisingly enough (as he was feuding with Bret Hart) and then ended rather sadly (as he was partnered with Barry Horowitz). Vader and Yoko shove a bit on the floor, leading to Vader slugging Yoko from behind and climbing back in the ring to attack Shawn, then press him over his head to the floor. But don’t you fear, this is apparently a year where an illegal entrant cannot eliminate a legal one, so Michaels is still in it. The fans, not clued into this, are quite deflated by the tossing. Vader clears the ring of everyone and is finally escorted out by a whole cadre of officials, including then-WWF President Gorilla Monsoon, who Vader would attack the following night on Raw to cap off his debut weekend.

#20. Tatanka
They might as well have called him the Often-Defeated Native American at this point, as Tatanka was now essentially a jobber at the tail end of his WWF run. The Rumble is once again re-started, with Shawn tossing Cornette out just for fun, though Corny kinda blows the bump in the process. Hakushi hits his awesome handspring elbow on Owen, which once again reminds you how great a talent he is and how badly the WWF blew it with him. Imagine the amazing matches that guy could STILL be having on the roster today. I personally would give a kidney for Hakushi/Rey Mysterio. Well, maybe not a kidney. Nothing really vital, anyway. A toe, perhaps. Anyway, Shawn assumes his usual position in the Rumble, almost being eliminated by almost everyone. Hakushi gets caught doing a flip by Owen and tossed out.

#21. “The Portuguese Man-O-War” Aldo Montoya
Aldo was pretty much a joke by this point. Even Perfect gets in a zinger as he comes in: “He’s got his jock on the wrong part of his body!” Bob and HHH are working on some surprising longevity runs at this point, but surprising in the way that you forget they’re still in the ring. No one gasps when they try to eliminate Holly or anything like Backlund had going for him three years ago. Shawn spills to the floor (through the ropes) and it suddenly occurs to him that there’s an entrant whose presence we have forgotten about, so he decides to dig under the ring and drags the King back out from his hiding place. Shawn tosses Lawler back into the ring, and a single big punch knocks the King over the top to the floor to officially eliminate him. Tatanka tosses Aldo on the far side, as well.

#22. Diesel
No smile or anything for the now not-quite-babyface Diesel. Diesel pounds on the world for a while and quickly tosses Tatanka as a warm greeting. Shawn and Diesel bump into each other, and Diesel of course pounds away with a punch in response. Aw, now THAT’S friendship. Shawn, of course, gets up and responds in kind. Owen goes to work on Diesel as Shawn again teases elimination by HHH.

#23. Kama
The Supreme Fighting Machine, the WWF’s answer to the UFC before Ken Shamrock came in and did it right. This was pretty much the tail end of his run, too. We were but a few years away from Kama getting in touch with his inner Huggy Bear. Everyone pairs off into corners for a while. Diesel tries to hit Kama with a shot, but misses and KOs Shawn instead. Foreshadowing, perhaps, or karmic payback for all the times Shawn did that to Diesel? You make the call.

#24. The Ringmaster
Hmm? What’s that? You don’t know who that is? Join the club. He’s this guy that WCW released who could never, ever be marketed successfully. He had a brief run in ECW before getting picked up by the WWF, and they put him in Ted DiBiase’s stable and made him the new Million Dollar Champion. He wasn’t getting over. So they decided to change his name, let him shave his head and grow a goatee, and come up with a new nickname inspired by his wife’s description of her tea after it had been sitting for a while. You MAY know him under that name: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. This was his WWF PPV debut. Who could have guessed we were looking at the future of the business on this night? Within six months he’d be the King of the Ring and “Austin 3:16” was born. But for now, he gets virtually no reaction. This would change quickly. Ringmaster and Diesel pair off in a corner, in one of those “Dream Matches That Never Happened.” Bob Holly tries to butt in on their party, perfectly symbolizing Holly’s endless attempts to burst into the main event bubble over the years. Austin…sorry, I mean, Ringmaster and Holly exchange elimination attempts, until a knee in the back finally eliminates Bob, ending his near 40-minute run. Shawn again teases elimination at the hands of Owen.

#25. Barry Horowitz
In the summer of 1995, the WWF decided to give perennial jobber Horowitz a push, leading to a fun feud with Skip, which was fine, and then a teaming which sunk Hakushi’s career, which was less fine. Barry locks up with Diesel right away, which is certainly, uh, ambitious. In a change of pace, Owen teases elimination by Shawn. HHH and the Ringmaster pair off in a corner, foreshadowing YEARS of WWF main events. HHH then works over Diesel a bit, and Diesel responds by launching him to the floor with ease. HHH sets the record for this Rumble: 48 minutes. Crowd pops a little, but still doesn’t care all that much.

#26. Fatu
I can not improve on the immortal KJP’s analysis of Fatu’s new character, so I will merely quote it verbatim: “Surprise, surprise, Fatu is apparently not, after all, a native of the Polynesian Islands who speaks no English and can't tell the difference between a stick deodorant and a popsicle, but is in fact a native of the San Fransisco 'hood. In a series of short films Fatu is going to tell us all about his formative years growing up in a family so poor they couldn't even afford a surname.” Man, I miss that KJP. Anyone know what happened to Mr. Podsiadlik? Fatu starts pounding away on peeps, not making much impact. Things are slowing down a bit at this point, only punctuated by Owen and Shawn trading elimination attempts.

#27. Issac Yankem, D.D.S.
Yes, Issac is YOUR Wrestling Dentist. Big guy, too: about six foot 10 or so, 300 pounds, and pretty good agility for a big man. Why, he could even be the Undertaker’s brother! (For our home audience, the password is, “Yes, That’s Kane.”) Yankem beats on Diesel, foreshadowing the next gimmick that stands between himself and stardom. We’ll deal with that phase of his career soon enough. Owen backdrops Horowitz out, then hits Shawn with the Killer Enzuigiri of Doom. Owen then tries to toss Shawn, but Diesel sneaks up and tosses Owen instead, which the announcers completely miss because they’re watching a Double Feature of the kick. The WWF was really WAY too replay-happy at this point. Austin…darn it, THE RINGMASTER nails Shawn with a clothesline, foreshadowing the WrestleMania main event in just two years’ time.

#28. Marty Jannetty
I think this was Marty’s 4th chance at a WWF return, which, like all the ones previous and all the ones that would follow, sadly just didn’t work out. This one would last a while, though, and include starting the New Rockers tag team with a guy named Leif Cassidy, who would go onto greater fame once he got a little Head. Shawn now teases elimination at the hands of Fatu. Ringmaster again pummels Diesel. Shawn and Marty, of course, pair off to a big reaction.

#29. The British Bulldog
The Bulldog was turned heel, apparently for a feud with Lex Luger which never happened, because as soon as he did the turn Luger bolted for WCW. He did get a few world title shots out of it, though, including a great match with Bret the month before. He goes right after Shawn, perhaps in payback for the previous year’s debacle. Jannetty quickly gets tossed by the Bulldog. The Ringmaster gets eliminated by Fatu and the announcers don’t even notice. Eh, don’t worry, his day will come. VERY soon. Fatu then gets clotheslined by Kama and tries to do his 360 spinning sell, but he doesn’t hit it right and kinda lands on his head. OW. Yankem tosses Fatu, possibly to cover the injury. It’s kinda neat how a lot of the guys in there at this late stage of the Rumble ended up playing a big role in the WWF in the years to come, though most in wildly different gimmicks than they had here.

#30. Duke “the Dumpster” Droese
Well, not all of them can be greats. Shawn and Bulldog head through the ropes to the floor and brawl out there for a bit until Owen comes back out to help the Bulldog beat on Shawn a bit. Set up for their match the next month at IYH, that’s all. Back inside, the Bulldog presses Shawn but he gets saved by Diesel. Dropkick by Shawn eliminates Yankem. Kama and Diesel both eliminate the Dumpster, which means we already have…

The Final Four: Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Kama and The British Bulldog
We pair off, Diesel/Kama, Shawn/Bulldog. Shawn gets tossed to the apron by the Bulldog, but slides in and eliminates the Dog with a clothesline. A big shot by Kama almost eliminates Shawn, but he hangs in there. Diesel simply pushes Kama over the top to eliminate him, then immediately turns into a superkick from Shawn, and he goes over the top to the floor to give Shawn the Rumble win for the second year in a row. Wow, we wrapped that one up pretty quickly, didn’t we? Shawn celebrates with a striptease (that was kind of his shtick, and I have no idea why he ever thought this was a good idea), and Diesel comes in to tease hitting him, but instead offering a high five in congratulations. Nash would be turned heel before WrestleMania anyway. Not a great Rumble, but certainly a vast improvement over the previous year.

WWF Title Match: The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. Bret “Hitman” Hart (champion)
No Feud in Review or anything, we just get right to it. I think they cut out a merchandise plug here or something for obvious reasons. Taker runs into the slow-to-leave Diesel in the aisle, and they exchange blows ‘cuz Diesel had wanted the title shot at this show. This all was a big set-up for Taker/Diesel at WrestleMania, the outcome of which was in doubt until it was announced that Nash had signed with WCW, which meant the world knew the Taker was going to win. We’re back to normal urn size for Paul at this point. And the Taker was wearing a Phantom-of-the-Opera-esque mask on his face, which was to protect his injured eye socket (Mabel had literally crushed it with an errant punch during their feud). Nevertheless, the new gear set tongues-a-wagging about who was the “new guy playing the Undertaker,” though, much like the dozens of “Ultimate Warrior is dead” rumors, this too was false. Bret was in his third reign as champion at this point, though he sadly was seen as little more than a transitional champion, as the belt was about to be welded to Shawn Michaels’s waist at WrestleMania. Bret plays “Avoid the Taker” to start. A few punches by Bret go no-sold, a few punches by the Taker don’t. Taker starts to slowly dominate with chokes and stuff. Like punches. And eye gouges. You know, stuff. The pace isn’t exactly blistering, here. We’re a few minutes in and Bret has had virtually no offense. Clawhold kills a little more time. Make that a LOT more time. Come on, guys, I’ve seen you put on WAY better matches than this. Bret hooks the ropes to break the hold, finally. Old School Ropewalk by the Taker. And BACK to the Claw. Come on, pick up the pace, this is dragging more than a tractor pull. The temptation is to say that the Taker is dogging it here, but I’m not exactly seeing Bret put forth his best effort, either. A boot in the corner FINALLY gives Bret an opening, and he starts pouring it on, including clotheslining the Taker to the floor and following him with a tope. Whoa, Bret, what, did the Motivation Fairy suddenly appear or something? Bret then dives right into the Taker’s arms and gets run right into the post. Bret responds in kind, slipping out of another attempt and tossing the Taker to the post himself, but he walks into a big boot. Taker beats on Bret for a while, but Bret reverses a whip and sends the Taker into the steps knees-first, which is all the opening he needs, and he swarms on the knee like bees on honey. Um, I think. Do bees get attracted by honey? Maybe it’s pollen. Yeah, that’d be better. Replace that sentence with “Bret swarms on the knee like bees on pollen.” Except that you need more than one for a swarm. Last I checked, there’s only one Bret Hart in this match. Okay, change that again: “Bret is on the knee like bees on pollen.” There, that’s better. As my undivided attention to the match attests to, the Motivation Fairy’s visit is pretty much over and we’re back to being pretty dull. Bret works the knee for a while, though not with the ferocity he usually demonstrates, and thus not with the entertainment value he usually delivers. He also teases going for the mask a few times. Figure Four by Bret, which we hang in for a while until the Taker turns it over, and Bret grabs the ropes. Bret is right back on the knee. More knee work. We really need to start varying it up, here, this match has been at two paces so far: slow and slower. Bret again goes for the mask. AAAAAAND…back to the knee. This is like anti-psychology - instead of using the knee work to add a dimension to the match, we are using it as a substitute for having a match at all. Taker finally gets out of a hold and goes back on offense, selling the knee the whole time. “Taker doesn’t sell,” my *ss, Mr. Keith. To the floor we go for more brawling, including Bret getting tossed to the steps. And choked by a cable. And tossed to the timekeeper’s table. And hit with a chair. My calling this segment a “brawl” is a little misguided, methinks, as usually both guys land blows in a brawl. Back in and the Taker dominates again, but then misses a big boot and back to the knee we go. Bret posts the knee, just for variety. What an odd match these two are putting on, I’ve seen these guys put on better shows with their eyes closed. Both guys back up, and the Taker takes over for no particular reason. More slow domination by the Dead Man, who is still limping. Taker goes for a Tombstone but Bret slips out. Bret hits a DDT for two, which FINALLY pops the crowd. Bret starts hitting move after move, with the Taker Sitting Up every time. It’s like we are executing the moves necessary to be having a good match, if only we were moving about twice as fast. Bret goes for the Sharpshooter, but the Taker blocks it with a choke. Double clothesline and both guys are out. Bret gets up and takes off a turnbuckle before trying to take off the mask again, finally succeeding. This accomplishes two things: one, it proves to the naysayers that Mark Calloway is STILL playing the Taker, and two, it marks the end of the Masked Era, as it will never be seen again after this. Bret continues on the offensive, ramming the Taker to the exposed corner and drawing boos. Bret hits a few more shots but suddenly gets caught and Tombstoned. 1, 2...and Diesel runs in to pull the referee out. After last year’s “We Won’t DQ for ANYTHING” debacle, it’s a little odd that this would be the finish, as the ref calls for the bell and DQs Bret, giving the win to the Taker, but not the title. Man, that match just did NOT click. Just really long and dull, and the finish came completely out of nowhere. Diesel flips the Taker off in what was a shocking moment in the era before Austin was doing it weekly.

And NOW…it’s not just the Royal Rumble, it’s Royal Rumble Plus! Just a fancy name for the post-game show.

To Pettengill with President Monsoon, who announces Bret vs. Diesel for the next IYH.

To Dok Hendrix, with a celebrating Shawn Michaels. Shawn makes a veiled reference to “dinosaurs” and things “running wild,” and I have NO idea who he could be talking about, do you?

And back to Todd and Gorilla, who talk rather aimlessly for a while, until the Taker comes in to protest and vow that Diesel will never be champion again. Gorilla decides to make Bret/Diesel a steel cage match, too, so Taker cannot interfere. But he would find a way. Oh, yes, he would find a way.

To Dok with Diesel. The now-typical Kevin Nash interview, though it was pretty revolutionary at the time, and you can never deny that the big man can talk. He even steals the “you may not like it” line from Ric Flair.

To Todd with Cornette and Vader. Which is to say, Cornette talks and Vader tosses chairs around in anger.

And your post-Rumble music video wraps things up.

THOUGHTS:
While the Rumble itself is a big improvement over the previous year, there are some test patterns which would be an improvement over the 1995 Rumble, so that’s not exactly high praise. And the rest of the card is pretty dull and/or insulting. This is a historically significant Rumble given all the future stars who made their debut (Austin, HHH, Kane, Goldust, etc.), but it’s certainly not a great show by any means. But again, an excellent DVD production, with no noticeable music changes, and the “WWF” edits not too galling at all.

Up next: Rumble ‘97! San Antonio! Over 60,000 fans! Some of whom actually paid to get in!

Okay, ONE Other Bad Thing...

2007-04-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

"Disturbia" apparently won the box office for the third straight week.

Oh, Spidey, how I look forward to seeing you come along and squashing that second-rate "Rear Window" rip-off like a bug this weekend.

A Happy Weekend, A Not-So-Happy Conclusion

2007-04-29T19:31:00.000-07:00

This has been an uncommonly good weekend.

-Easy work day on Friday.

-Finding out my grandmother's eye has improved to the point where we only have to apply the medicine once a day.

-Going out with Mark to shop in BG on Saturday.

-Stopping en route to meet up with Katie on Saturday afternoon for coffee. (Kick *ss on Monday, dude!)

-Getting a call from Jess and finding out she was gonna be in town this weekend - YES!

-Hanging at the Shannons' Saturday night.

-Meeting with Jess this afternoon and seeing her for the first time in nearly a year. And seeing Caitlin at the same time.

-Matt's team, the Suns, go up 3-1 in the NBA Playoffs over the Lakers.

-The Indians win 2 out of 3 from the Orioles to cement an early lead in the AL Central, while the Yankees drop 2 of 3 to the Red Sox and are currently in the AL East basement. (I try never to gloat about these things in front of Heather and Diane, but since this is my blog and they haven't been reading it much I figure I'm safe. Though, because I said that, they will see this one and I will hear about it soon enough.)

-Going to work for another easy night, headlined by successfully handling a S.I.R. shopper, which means I get another 50 bucks in my paycheck.

So, what could possibly ruin such a lovely weekend?

How about, ECW Champion Vince McMahon?

Gee, thanks a pantload, Vinnie.

A Toast to a Personal Hero

2007-04-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow night, Roger Ebert’s ninth annual Overlooked Film Festival will begin in Urbana, Illinois, and Roger, in an article on his website, has made it abundantly clear that he WILL be attending, no matter what illness or friendly advice may be trying to keep him away.

In said article, he also spells out more clearly how is ailment has been affecting him in recent months: the salivary gland cancer he had spread to his lower jaw, and part of the mandible had to be removed as a result. Two operations to repair the damage have been unsuccessful, and a tracheostomy has left him temporarily unable to speak.

But none of this will prevent him from being at his festival. “I was told photos of me in this condition would attract the gossip papers. So what? I have been very sick, am getting better and this is how it looks. I still have my brain and my typing fingers.”

I have often mentioned how Roger is a hero of mine. (Anyone who has ever read Roger’s writing and mine knows that I basically have been stealing his schtick my whole adult life.) And as much as I have missed his work over the past 10 months, I have also marveled at the class and dignity with which he has handled his illness. He writes when he can, he gives updates on his condition when he can, he has never indulged in self-pity (though self-deprecation is frequent), and above all, he has been amazingly gracious and grateful to all those who have offered either care or warm wishes.

And now, even though he is still mired in the thick of his fight, he will be in Urbana. He will be attending his festival. And he will be doing what he loves, which is watching movies and sharing the joy they bring with others.

Damn straight, he still has his brain and his typing fingers. Hopefully, soon he will reacquire his ability to verbalize his thoughts, as well. But no matter what, he will still be defiantly, undeniably, himself. And we are all lucky to still have him.

Enjoy your festival, Roger!

A Few Kernels of Joy in the Popcorn Bucket of Life

2007-04-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life, especially in troubled times like these, it’s the little things that help you to survive.

Like…

-How much fun “Grindhouse” was. If you haven’t seen it (and judging by the box office, you haven’t), you should.

-A wonderful e-mail from Jess on Friday that gave me a pick-me-up right when I needed it.

-The Royal Rumble recaps, which I am really enjoying working on, even if I now realize what a Herculean task I set for myself by starting it. But I am gonna finish, by gum!

-A $46 dividend check from my State Farm agent, just when I was running low on cash.

-Seeing Lindsey and AJ and Stephy and J last week, though the reason for their visit was sorrowful.

-A long talk with Maria last night.

-Hopefully having long talks with Jess and Elizabeth sometime soon.

-Visiting Greg in Cleveland and Lindsey in D.C. and Amanda in Atlanta and EVERYONE in EVERYWHERE…soon? Maybe? Hopefully? Please?

-Text messages from friends when you least expect them.

-HomestarRunner.com, which always provides a laugh when it is needed.

-The Venture Bros. Got season 2 last Monday. That season finale f’n ROCKED.

-Abby’s recaps of American Idol on her Fox blog, even though a.) she hasn’t updated it in a few weeks and b.) I don’t like American Idol. Abby’s writing on the subject is compulsively readable, even for a non-fan like me. And she was on the anti-Sanjaya train WAY before the rest of pop culture jumped on.

-Oh, and there’s this. But that one you know about already. :)

Royal Rumble '95

2007-04-22T21:47:00.000-07:00

Previously on Jeff Mac’s Royal Rumble Recaps:

-Yokozuna and half of the WWF roster stuffed the Undertaker into a casket, which lead to much Spielbergian Special-Effectery going on, and the Taker floating to the rafters promising to come back. After a lengthy angle involving a fake Undertaker, the real one returned at SummerSlam, and after settling his feud with Yoko in a much better casket match at Survivor Series, found himself feuding with Irwin R. Schyster. Hmm? Wha? Oh, I get it, death and taxes! Haw haw haw! Oh, those WWF writers and their rapier-like wit! How it slices, dices and juliennes!

-Bret Hart and Lex Luger ended the Royal Rumble as the only co-winners in WWF history, which lead to both men getting a separate title shot at Yokozuna at WrestleMania X. Thanks to guest referee Mr. Perfect, Lex once again blows his shot at the title and forever gets branded a choke artist as a result.

-Meanwhile, Owen Hart, who had turned on Bret and got to face him at WrestleMania as Bret’s warm-up match, ended up beating his brother clean and shocking the world, only to see Bret beat Yokozuna clean in the main event and win the title, thus completely overshadowing him on his biggest night. This lead to months of great matches, climaxed by Bret beating Owen in a cage at SummerSlam. Then, Bret started feuding with new mega-heel Mr. Bob Backlund, who proceeded to complete his comeback by winning the title from Bret (thanks to Owen) at the Survivor Series. Everything looked rosy for the new champion…

-…until he faced Diesel at Madison Square Garden just a few days later. Diesel had been gaining momentum as Shawn’s bodyguard/partner, and had won the IC title and tag titles (with Shawn) over the course of the year, before a bitter split from Shawn at Survivor Series. Five days later, Diesel was granted the first title shot at the new champ, and proceeded to power bomb and pin him in eight seconds, setting the all-time record for shortest match ever and becoming the new WWF champion.

And now…the adventure continues!

Royal Rumble 1995
Tampa, Florida
1/22/1995

And we open with a limo pulling up, and out hops Pamela Anderson, with a throng of WWF stars there to greet her. The idea was that she would escort whoever won the Rumble to WrestleMania for their title shot. This was in the middle of our “celebrities equal ratings” era, and every major show seemed to have SOME star attached to them. Survivor Series had featured Chuck Norris, way before any internet-based “fact sheets” made him cool.

And once again they overdub the Rumble theme, though it’s less of a loss this year since it basically means substituting one cheesy beach theme for another.

Your announcers are Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler. The DVD production crew screws up again, forgetting to blur the “WWF” on a sign right behind the announcers in the opening.

Intercontinental Title Match: “Double J” Jeff Jarrett (w/ the Roadie) vs. Razor Ramon (champion)
Jarrett was in his flashy glasses phase. The Roadie is a flunky who got paired with Jarrett when we decided to elevate him. It would later be revealed that the Roadie was in fact doing everything for Jarrett, including his singing, which led to a babyface push for him under the name “Double J” Jesse Jammes. And much later, he would finally find success and break a longstanding family curse by actually getting over as the Road Dogg. Razor had essentially been champion for the entirety of the year, with only a run by Diesel breaking up Razor’s reign. Vince makes allusions to the problems that the Roadie and Lawler had with William Shatner, in a “classic” moment on Raw. Razor controls early with punches. Fall away slam and a chokeslam send Jarrett to the floor for some bottled water from the Roadie. Jarrett climbs back in and hits a few moves, stopping to strut after each of them. He even takes Razor down and MUSSES UP HIS HAIR. Oh, man, that there’s suicide. More stalling until Razor just says the hell with it and levels Jarrett with a punch and sends him to the floor. More water from the Roadie. Back in for more stalling, this time by calling for a test of strength, which Razor wins easily. Razor messes with Jarrett’s hair in retribution. Vince mentions that Lawrence Taylor is here watching the show. This will become important. A trio of dropkicks finally puts Jarrett in control. A few missed moves waffle the momentum back and forth, climaxing with a Jarrett 2-count and then a chinlock. WE love RESTholds, clap, clap, clapclapclap. Razor powers out and gets a backslide for two, but Jarrett gets right back in control. They exchange near falls on a sunset flip spot until Jarrett gets back the momentum with another dropkick, and then a sleeper hold. A nice sequence ends with a Jarrett neck breaker for several 2-counts, despite Jarrett having his feet on the ropes. Jarrett gets whipped to the buckle, then Razor slides out and grabs his feet to pull him crotch-first to the post. As you probably can guess, this puts Razor in control. Clothesline by Ramon gets two. Razor goes for another clothesline, and Jarrett tosses him over the top, and Razor comes up favoring his knee. Roadie comes up to offer assistance to Ramon, and JUST HAPPENS to fall down and clip him in the knee in the process. The referee gets his contacts in long enough to count Razor out, giving Jarrett the win, but not the title. BUT, Jarrett calls Razor a coward and goads him into coming back in and re-starting the match. Razor keeps selling the leg as he quickly rolls up Jarrett for two. Jarrett naturally starts working on the leg, occasionally punctuated by quick pin attempts by Ramon. On the ropes, Jarrett drops on Razor’s leg twice before Ramon kicks him off and to the floor, but Jarrett is right back on the leg. Jarrett locks on the Figure Four back in the ring, but we’re in the era where babyface stars can NEVER give up (Kurt Angle changed that), so Razor struggles for a while and then break it by simply punching Jarrett in the face. I block, you don’t by Razor. Razor’s still selling the leg, even as he goes for a back suplex off the ropes, which gets reversed then reversed AGAIN by Razor for two. Razor calls for the Edge and gets Jarrett up, but the knee gives out on him and Jarrett quickly gets Razor in a small package for the three count and the title. It started kinda slow, but it developed into a pretty good match to start out.

Stephanie Wiand (no, you shouldn’t remember her) prepares to interview Jarrett, but instead sends it to Todd Pettengill (yes, we all wish we couldn’t remember him) in Pamela Anderson’s dressing room, where she shows off all the gifts sent by WWF superstars that want to bang her. Naturally, at this point in WWF history, that last part is simply implied. She seems so happy about stuffed bulldog dolls and piggy banks that it really makes you wonder why Borat’s proposal was so out of line. And then, back to Wiand with new champ Jarrett, who rants for a while about how he won and stuff.

To Vince and Lawler, who talk about the upcoming Taker/IRS match, and Lawler applauds some more for Jarrett’s win.

Irwin R. Schyster (w/ Ted DiBiase) vs. The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer)
IRS, now managed by former tag partner DiBiase, started the feud with the Taker by repossessing a dead guy’s flowers, tombstone and coffin. No, really. The dead guy’s name was classic, too: John Dough. Oh, HAR de har HAR. He then interfered at the Survivor Series and almost cost Undertaker the rematch with Yoko, but of course Taker pulled it out. I mean, if TEN guys could barely keep him down, how could ONE guy in a tie? IRS has also been showing up at shows with a couple of druids in tow, the sort of guys who would later come to symbolize the Undertaker’s followers, making their presence in this angle kinda odd. The announcers guessed non-stop about the druids’ true identity. Note: When they do this kind of thing, it’s usually a good idea for them to, you know, PAY IT OFF. Which, as you will see, they never do. IRS rants about taxes for a bit pre-match, as is his wont. This is the Big Ass Urn phase for Paul Bearer, as once the Taker returned they made Paul lug around an urn the size of a modest office trash can. We stall for a while with the Taker staring at Irwin and Irwin refusing to get into the ring. The announcers even go quiet for a while, though my guess is that they’re muting the commentary for some reason. WWF Superstar Line plug, maybe? Dropkick by IRS has no effect and Irwin bails right away. Back in and IRS uses his quickness to avoid the Taker and then bails out again. Irwin threatens Paul until Taker comes out to defend him, and Irwin runs AGAIN, back into the ring. He meets the Taker with some blows to take brief control, but a big boot stops that. Taker controls with whips and stuff, then biels him out of the corner by the tie. Old School ropewalk nails IRS, then DiBiase jumps on the apron for the old “I’ll grab the manager and his own man hits him by mistake” bit. Taker tosses IRS to the floor as an exclamation point. IRS yells at DiBiase for a bit, leading to Ted bringing the Druids out as an insurance policy. One’s tall and one’s short, but beyond that I have no idea who they are. Taker gets distracted by one of them, but even THAT isn’t enough for IRS to take control. The Taker tries the ropewalk again, but this time a druid shakes the ropes and Irwin takes him down, but EVEN THAT doesn’t put him in control. IRS clotheslines Taker to the floor, and after the Taker grabs the Druids around the throat, IRS FINALLY takes control of the match. Back in and Irwin locks on an abdominal stretch, playing the old game of “I’m not grabbing the ropes!” with the referee. Taker hiplocks out of it, but misses an elbow. IRS still in control and hits a flying clothesline, which is usually his finisher, but he proceeds to drop some more elbows, so maybe that ain’t his finisher anymore. IRS tries a splash, but the Taker Sits Up. Double knock-out spot, which I think is the first time I’ve seen the Dead Man do that spot. DiBiase distracts the ref, letting a Druid drape IRS on the Taker for 2. IRS gets tossed into a Druid on the apron, then the Taker sets Irwin up for a Tombstone, kicking Druids down from the apron the whole time he has him up there, then he drops Irwin to go after them. Another flying clothesline by Irwin takes him down, then he Sits Up again. Another clothesline misses, and a chokeslam is enough to finish IRS off. Not bad, and it had good heat. Post match, we have more shenanigans…the Druids come back in to beat on the Taker, and he easily dispatches them with chokeslams. Then in comes King Kong Bundy, in the process of making his return to the WWF as part of DiBiase’s crew, to challenge the Taker in the middle of the ring. IRS, meanwhile, nails Paul from behind and swipes the urn, distracting the Taker and allowing Bundy to wail on him from behind. IRS and DiBiase beat a hasty retreat with the urn as Bundy continues to beat up the Taker before departing. Paul encourages the crowd to cheer him on and finally the Taker stands and staggers to the back in pursuit. This would lead to a Taker/Bundy match at Mania, one of the weaker ones in the history of Taker’s undefeated streak, and to the Urn Being in Enemy Hands for pretty much the whole year.

To Pettengill with Diesel, taped Earlier Tonight. He blows off Todd’s questions. Then, to Pettengill with Bret, also Earlier Tonight. He basically says nothing. Well, that was informative.

To Vince and Lawler, who rant about how competitors feel before a big match.

WWF Title Match: Bret “Hitman” Hart vs. Diesel (champion)
The storyline: Well, there really isn’t one. Bret lost the title to Backlund at the Survivor Series, and this is his rematch, though Backlund had to be all inconsiderate and drop the belt before then. Diesel was turned face at the same event and the belt was slapped on him four days later. He is technically feuding with former employer Shawn Michaels, although the heat hadn’t been turned up on that one yet - it was more of a slow simmer which we were letting stew until WrestleMania rolled around. The crowd reaction for Diesel is pretty lukewarm, to say the least, for a guy that is supposedly our new top draw. Diesel says what’s up to Lawrence Taylor at ringside pre-match. The announcers hype how both of these guys are triple crown winners - Bret’s won all three titles twice, and Diesel has won all three of them in under a year’s time. Of course, nowadays that kind of titleholder is pretty commonplace, which is another thing which got lost with the accelerated pacing of wrestling storytelling. Since they’re both babyfaces, they pound fists pre-match as a show of respect. Bret tries to work the mat early and tempers flare and we’re suddenly trading blows, with Diesel controlling with power. Big clothesline sends Bret to the floor. More punches exchanged on the apron send him back there. So Bret takes Diesel down and tosses his leg to the post a few times. Bret, given his opening, pounces and starts working on the knee. Bret locks on a Figure Four, but Diesel makes the ropes. More leg work by Bret and ANOTHER Figure Four by Bret, and again Diesel makes the ropes. Bret, getting over a “more aggressive” persona, keeps Diesel in the hold as long as he can before breaking it. Diesel rolls to the floor, so Bret dives onto him with a tope. Brawl on the floor climaxed with Bret getting tossed to the steps. Back inside and Diesel takes control. The usual Nash offense - punches, elbows (before he “framed” them), sidewalk slam, Boss Man sit (though at this point the could run to deliver it). Bret starts firing back, but no luck. Diesel locks on a hanging backbreaker, Bret gets out and locks on a sleeper, but Diesel tosses him off. Big boot by Diesel takes Bret down again. Basically, the story is that when we’re wrestling, Bret’s got the advantage, but when we’re brawling, it’s Diesel. Clothesline from the second rope takes Diesel down, but Bret goes up again and gets caught…then Bret turns it into a pin attempt for two. The kickout sends Bret to the floor, where he unwraps his wrist tape, then proceeds to take Diesel down again and use the tape to tie his legs around a corner post, then come back in to pound on a helpless Diesel. Again, we’re toying with Bret’s newly “aggressive” nature. The ref frees Diesel, but the damage has been done and Bret takes over. Bret hits him with move after move, but nothing gets the pin. Bret tries for the Sharpshooter, but Diesel grabs the ropes before he can. A clothesline sends Diesel to the floor, and Bret dives…right into Diesel’s arms, and Bret gets run into the ringpost. Diesel calls for the Jackknife and hits it for a very slow 1...2...and here comes Shawn Michaels to break it up and start hammering Diesel. The crowd reaction for Shawn is surprisingly loud for a guy who is supposedly our top heel challenger. The referee, instead of DQing Bret, simply orders Shawn out of the ring and to the back, and the match resumes. Um, okay. Both guys get back up and Bret goes right back to work on the knee. Figure Four for the THIRD time, and this time Diesel simply punches his way out. Bret again zeroes in on the knee, then takes a run at Diesel and runs himself into the turnbuckle. Diesel starts working over the ribs. Gut wrench suplex, first time I can ever recall seeing Nash do that. Diesel tries to boot Bret in the corner but misses, and Bret AGAIN rams Diesel’s leg into the ringpost. There’s doing variations on a theme, and there’s going to the well a little too often, and I think they’re doing the latter - it just feels like we’ve run out of idea for the match. Bret then grabs a chair and hits Diesel’s leg, right in front of the ref, and he’s STILL not DQed. This is just getting silly now. We clearly want Diesel to the face here, but having Bret do things so blatant and still not get disqualified for them is just dumb. The fans start to boo Bret, which was the point all along, but then they pop when he locks on the Sharpshooter…and in comes Owen to beat on Bret and break it up, then untie a turnbuckle pad to toss Bret into it. And AGAIN, the ref simply orders Owen out and restarts the match. What the hell? Diesel struggles up and covers Bret for 2. Diesel tries to ram Bret into the exposed corner, but Bret hits his knee to stop it and tosses Diesel to it instead. Bret hammers away until he FINALLY takes him down. Diesel gets up and does the same, hanging Bret by the leg in the ropes. Diesel teases hitting Bret with a chair, but Bret frees himself. Bret stands…and then crumples back down, selling his knee. Diesel takes the bait and walks right into a small package for 2. Bret goes for a roll-up and Hebner gets bumped. Well, after all the lousy calls he’s made in this one he deserves it. And as everyone’s down and out, in come Michaels, Owen, Bob Backlund, Jeff Jarrett AND the Roadie to beat on both guys. Another referee comes in to call for the bell, since it’s clear if we left it up to Hebner this match would STILL be going on today, 12 years later. A bunch of officials come out to clear the heels out of the ring, and we officially declare the match a draw…and in come the heels again, Backlund to lock on the Crossface Chicken Wing on Bret, everyone else to pound Diesel. Diesel finally comes back and wails on everyone, then saves Bret from Backlund to a big pop. Bret and Diesel shake hands, as good babyfaces should, no matter what they actually did to each other DURING the match. Of the three big PPV matches they had, this one is clearly the weakest, but it’s not bad, either. It’s just that the KOTR match the year before and the Survivor Series match to follow were so clearly better.

To Todd Pettengill, who is geeking out like a 14-year-old boy who has found his dad’s porn collection, because Pamela Anderson is changing behind a screen in the same room as him. Pamela asks him to hand her something, and hilarity ensues.

Stephanie Wiand interviews the 1-2-3 Kid and Bob Holly. They are the “Cinderella Story” of the WWF Tag Team Title tournament, which is a nice way of saying, “The Smoking Gunns were injured and we couldn’t put the tag titles on them like we wanted to, so we are giving the rub to these two JTTSes instead.” Not that I’m being cynical or anything.

We go the announcers to waste a minute or two watching the King draw on his “Magistrator” (Lawler’s version of the Brain Scan) a picture of himself smooching Pamela Anderson. He doesn’t even have time to finish and has to EXPLAIN what the heck it is he’s drawing.

Tag Team Championship Tournament Finals: Bam Bam Bigelow and Tatanka (w/ Ted DiBiase) vs. The 1-2-3 Kid and Bob “Spark Plug” Holly
Okay, explanations: Diesel and Shawn Michaels were tag champs, then Diesel got p*ssed at Shawn and chased him out of the arena, so now they ain’t tag champs any more. So we organized a big tag team tournament to crown new champs, with the favorites being the Smoking Gunns, as they were basically the only team left in the company that we pushed with any regularity. But then, one of the Gunns got injured (a “rodeo accident,” we were told), so they were taken out of the tournament and replaced with the makeshift team of the Kid and Holly. No one expected them to do anything, and when they made the finals, no one expected them to WIN, especially since it had already been announced that the winner of the belts would be facing the returning Smoking Gunns the next night on Raw (where the Gunns’ title victory was perceived to be a mere formality). But none of us knew of The Master Plan, which dictated…well, you’ll see. Bam Bam was beginning to tease dissention toward the DiBiase Corporation, which would not pay off until after WrestleMania. Tatanka easily dominates Holly to start. A lot. He finally hits a head scissors to start getting some offense in. Bammer gets tagged in and quickly dominates both Holly and the Kid. HUGE biel across the ring by Bigelow on the Kid. The Kid, of course, would eventually morph into X-Pac, and eventually start generating what Dave Scherer called “X-Pac Heat,” meaning the fans were just plain SICK of him (in a bad way). It’s kinda sad that people forget how solid a worker the Kid always was because of the attitude and the Clique ties. Bammer tosses the Kid in the air and he catches Bam Bam in a rana on the way down. See? Bam Bam quickly regains control, though. Tatanka comes in to give the Kid more of the same. Bammer and Tatanka toy with the Kid for a while, and the crowd is pretty dead at this point. Lawler makes a joke about Sally Struthers sending the Kid food, and when Vince doesn’t get it, he feels compelled to spend a few minutes EXPLAINING it. Jerry, NEVER EXPLAIN YOUR JOKES. If Vince doesn’t get it, he doesn’t get it. Don’t waste airtime trying to make him understand. The Kid somehow backdrops Bam Bam out of the ring, and then runs Tatanka into Bam Bam to FINALLY tag in Holly. The Kid and Holly start hitting high impact stuff to come back. The crowd FINALLY starts popping for the near falls. Bam Bam pulls down the top rope on Holly to make HIM Face In Trouble now. So we once again play “Slowly Dominate the Smaller Babyface.” We are defining dull right now with the Corporation’s offense. Tatanka slams Holly, like, 3 times in a row, and it feels less like working an injury and more like he can’t think of any other moves to do. Miscommunication by the faces leads to the Kid elbow dropping his partner. Not to be outdone, Tatanka accidentally hits Bam Bam and it’s Race to Tag…and Holly wins, but the Kid’s tied up with Tatanka, so no tag. That’s kinda like the rat that made it through the maze only to get a chlorophyll gumball for his troubles. More slow domination by the heels. Holly is so dazed he even tags Tatanka. This match is getting WAY too much time for what should have been a fast-paced tourney final to pop the crowd. Both Tatanka and Holly hit a cross body block at the same time to set up Race to Tag…Tag to the Kid, House Afire. And we FINALLY pick up the pace as the Kid flies around like a superball hitting both heels. Bam Bam squashes the comeback by launching him over the top to the floor. Bam Bam slams the Kid and heads up for the moonsault…and Tatanka, who apparently forgot his contacts, hits the ropes to drop an elbow or something on the Kid, which makes Bammer lose his balance and land on his head on the mat. Holy nails Tatanka and sends him to the floor, and the Kid slowly wakes up and drapes an arm over Bam Bam, 1, 2, 3, new tag champs. Naturally, the “Cinderella Team” would lose the belts the next night to the Gunns to officially make this pointless, but then, the titles weren’t the point here anyway…

After the match, DiBiase and Tatanka split, leaving Bam Bam all alone. He wakes up and circles the ring, jawing at the fans at ringside, finally coming to…Lawrence Taylor. Bammer jaws at LT for a while, and Taylor tries to shake hands, leading to Bam Bam shoving LT down and walking away. Vince even gets off headset on commentary to add to the realism. This, of course, would lead to Bam Bam/LT at WrestleMania XI, which is basically the best “celebrity” match ever, though it’s not like there are a lot of matches that could challenge it or anything.

Highlights from Last Year’s Rumble, punctuated by interviews with some of the participants. Diesel dominates the ring and then gets helped out by his buddy Shawn. And Lex and Bret become the first and only co-winners. What will happen this year? Well, Diesel won’t dominate because he’s not in it. Neither is Bret. But Lex is, by god! And we can all expect that unchained superstar to light up the arena with his sheer charisma and…HA!!!!! I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep a straight face on that one.

And Vince slaps on his Serious Face and apologizes for what just happened to Lawrence Taylor, just to add to the “that wasn’t supposed to happen” feel.

The Royal Rumble
Finkel introduces Pamela Anderson pre-match, and she’ll be at ringside for the whole thing, though with the benefit of hindsight that probably wasn’t the brightest idea. Boy, we’ve got less than an hour left in the show, how are we gonna fit a whole Rumble in here…oh, wait, I didn’t mention that? The intervals of entry for this Rumble are only SIXTY SECONDS. Yes, from first entrant to last, this should barely take a half hour. I have no idea who thought of this, especially since there were only four other matches on the card, most of which could have EASILY been trimmed by half and accomplished the same thing, time-saving wise. Anyway, start the insanity!

First Two Entrants: #1. Shawn Michaels, #2. The British Bulldog
Michaels seems supremely confident for a guy who is looking at a hell of a mountain to climb, though with the shortened intervals it’s more like he’s The American Who Went Up a Mountain and Came Down a Hill. The Bulldog was in mid-comeback after his rather disastrous WCW stint. Shawn attacks right away to kick-start the Rumble, but Davey Boy takes over rather quickly, allowing Shawn to bump around like a pinball for a while.

#3. Jakobormaybeit’sEli Blu
One of the Harris twins (DOA, Creative Control, etc.) in their early gimmick as mountain men. The one entertaining thing they did was to stare at the TV cameras like they’d never seen anything like them before. Everyone beats on everyone a bit.

#4. Duke “The Dumpster” Droese
The wrestling garbage man. The heels beat on Duke a bit, then we pair off. Duke works on Shawn a bit.

#5. “Gigolo” Jimmy Del Ray
One half of the Heavenly Bodies. Vince keeps razzing Lawler about how whoever wins is leaving with Pamela Anderson. Everyone beats on everyone, no real flow or anything. Shawn teases elimination.

#6. Sione of the Headshrinkers
The repackaged Barbarian replacing Samu as one half of the Headshrinkers, who were now face and co-managed by Captain Lou Albano, who was looking WAY too old to still be putting safety pins in his cheeks. A clothesline by the Bulldog eliminates Jimmy Del Ray.

#7. Dr. Tom Prichard
The other half of the Bodies and he would later become the WWF’s head trainer of new talent. He’s also Brother Love’s, uh, brother. Sione almost eliminates Shawn.

#8...

Okay, HOLD ON!!! This is chaos. Between the ten seconds for the countdown and the 10-20 seconds it takes for someone to come to the ring, that leaves maybe 30-40 seconds for actual action in between entrants. There’s no way in hell to do anything with 30-40 seconds. And no one in the ring is even TRYING to do anything interesting, because who knows if we’ll have enough time to finish it before the crowd’s attention will turn to the entranceway. This whole 60 seconds thing was just an awful, awful idea, and you can tell why they never did it again. Okay, rant over, back to your regularly scheduled recap.

#8. Doink the Clown
Eww, maybe I should keep ranting. Bunch of punching and stuff, but nothing is actually accomplished.

#9. Kwang
He was a couple months away from his Savio Vega repackaging. Okay, now Vince is claiming this is the fastest-paced Rumble “since it started back in Houston, Texas!” Um, yeah, the first Rumble was in Hamilton, Ontario, dude. He should know, HE CALLED IT. Maybe for him the first Rumble on PPV was the first one that counted, but then by that logic the first WrestleMania was actually WrestleMania II. The Blu tries to eliminate Bulldog, no luck.

#10. Rick “The Model” Martel
One of our resident Rumble iron-men who won’t have to work a THIRD of his record time to win this one. Not that he has a chance in hell. Kwang tries to toss Shawn, but no luck. We’re a third of the way through and have had only ONE elimination, we better get moving quick or this is gonna be one clogged squared circle.

#11. Owen Hart
Owen doesn’t even make it to the ring before he gets attacked from behind by Bret and pummeled in the aisle in retribution for what happened earlier. Bret barely has time to finish before…

#12. Timothy Well
Half of the heel tag team Well Dunn. No prizes for guessing his partner’s last name. The crowd seems rather disproportionately excited by his entrance, until you figure out what happened was that while the cameras were focused on him, the Bulldog eliminated Owen with a backdrop a few seconds after his entrance into the ring. That’s the first big pop from this crowd all Rumble. Shawn eliminates the Dumpster, taking out Hebner in the process. Serves him right for his reffing job earlier. Timothy Well tries to do a Flair Flip for his elimination, but he’s no Flair, so it flops and the Bulldog has to throw him out a second time. And Sione eliminates the Model. And Shawn eliminates Pritchard. I mean, COME ON, you can just tell that they’re hurrying to empty the ring out so the next wave of guys can come in. Sione dumps Doink, who gets kicked from there by Kwang and eliminated. That’s the first remotely creative elimination all match.

#13. Luke of the Bushwhackers
Sigh, I was so enjoying how Bushwhacker-free this set has been over the past few discs. Jacobormaybeit’sEli and Sione go tumbling over the top together as he enters. Apparently Kwang got tossed before that, too, and no one noticed. To quote the great philosopher C-3PO, “This is madness!” Luke quickly gets tossed by Shawn, though he more than doubles the length of his 1991 run by lasting about 10 seconds. This means we’re down to Shawn and the Bulldog again. Shawn works on him a bit…a very short bit…

#14. Eliormaybeit’sJacob Blu
For a long second I think that his brother is just coming out again and we’ve simply decided to re-start the Rumble, with a more rational time length now, but no luck. He hits Shawn a few times and gets back dropped out right away. Back to Shawn/Bulldog. Bulldog tries to toss Shawn, but no luck.

#15. King Kong Bundy
The walking condominium enters to big boos, and we FINALLY get replay footage to show how Owen was eliminated. Bundy works on the Bulldog. Shawn tries to hit Bundy, who reacts rather like a whale reacts to a seagull. And I meant no slight to either man with the construction of that metaphor.

#16. Mo of Men on a Mission
He comes in one side and out the other at the hands of Bundy, his run lasting under four seconds. He may have been a serious challenger to Luke’s time if Luke’s “record” hadn’t been bogus. The Bulldog tries to slam Bundy, but no luck, and Bundy takes over, with Shawn relaxing on the far side.

#17. Mabel of Men on a Mission
Mabel and Bundy had been having a war of words over who was gonna toss who in the Rumble match, so we finally have a segment with some heat behind it. And it’s between KING KONG BUNDY and MABEL, god help us. They exchange punches, with Mabel winning, and then he starts to ease Bundy over the top.

#18. Butch of the Bushwhackers
Let us pause a moment to celebrate the fact that this is the last time a Bushwhacker will ever enter a Royal Rumble. Yay! Mabel finally succeeds in pushing Bundy to the floor and he’s eliminated. Shawn tosses Butch just to put the exclamation point on the end of their era of terror. Bulldog and Mabel almost eliminate Michaels.

#19. Lex Luger
Lex tosses Mabel out like he weighs nothing to say hello. That was impressive, you gotta say. Luger then works over Shawn, rekindling the Phantom Feud that I identified during the last Rumble. Hah, told you I was right! Their unknown-until-now hatred knows no bounds! Lex almost tosses Shawn with Davey’s help, but Shawn survives.

#20. Mantaur
Big guy who wore fur and had his hair shaved like horns. This Rumble match is his only pay-per-view appearance, ever. He beats on the faces for a while, and we pair off into teams.

#21. “The Portuguese Man-O-War” Aldo Montoya
Okay, so after he was jobber P.J. Walker, but before he was reasonably cool ECW bad guy Justin Credible, he was JTTS Aldo Montoya. And yes, his nickname is the same name as a jellyfish, which led to no end of suitable jokes among the wrestling fan base. AND he dresses like a wannabe Power Ranger, to boot. Shawn and Aldo pair off, and the future Allied Powers work to try and eliminate Mantaur.

#22. Henry O. Godwinn
Mark Canterbury as the wrestling hog farmer. Get it, H.O.G.? Amazingly, as we speak he has somehow been re-signed by WWE and is in the process of RE-FORMING the Godwinns with Ray Gordy (son of Terry), though the territory they were doing that in, Deep South, just got 86-ed as a developmental territory this week. Henry beats on most anyone. Since Henry is supposedly from Arkansas, that gives Lawler all the room in the world for a string of Clinton jokes. Camera shot of Pamela at ringside, and she looks about as interested as someone who is not particularly interested in something but is getting paid a lot to sit here.

#23. Billy Gunn
Still half of the Smoking Gunns. He pairs off with Mantaur. And that’s all I have to say about this segment.

#24. Bart Gunn
I’m beginning to formulate a new Rumble Rule: You can tell they got lazy booking a Rumble if you get a bunch of tag teams who come out one after another. Mantaur decides to jump Bart right away, just because.

#25. Mr. Bob Backlund
The “Mr.” got added when he went insane. Big heel pop, which turns into big cheers when, naturally, Bret jumps HIM too and beats the snot out of him before he can get into the ring. They can’t even drag him off before…

#26. Steven Dunn
The other half of Well Dunn, who made wrestling headlines in 2006 when he was hospitalized with an intestinal blockage, but he made a full recovery. He goes right after Aldo to start. Backlund crawls in and gets rudely clotheslined out by Luger to a big pop. So Bob and Bret go at it again in the aisle, just to foreshadow their WrestleMania match a bit. They barely get out of the entranceway in time for…

#27. Dick Murdoch
A 30-year-veteran appearing in the Rumble, which would sadly turn out to be his last match as he passed away of a heart attack the following year. He beats up the world for a bit, then tries to eliminate Mantaur.

#28. Adam Bomb
Bomb had been turned face and really got over there for a bit, but they never did anything with him at that point. Luger and Michaels tease elimination, but neither goes.

#29. Fatu of the Headshrinkers
BTW, Fatu is wearing boots for the first time in a Rumble, as the gimmick was they were trying to “civilize” the Shrinkers. This led to a memorably silly vignette where they did an ad for Speed Stick in tuxedos, which ended with them eating the deodorant. Of course, the following year we switched Fatu’s gimmick and made him a homeboy from L.A. who spoke perfect English and everything, and we didn’t even TRY to claim it wasn’t the same guy, so as you can see continuity was not a strong suit of mid-90’s WWF storytelling. He and Billy trade elimination attempts to start. Luger dumps Mantaur.

#30. Crush
This was essentially Crush’s curtain call, as he hadn’t appeared in the WWF for a while by the time this Rumble came about, and he wouldn’t appear for them again until the summer of 1996. In the interim, he had some, shall we say, legal problems, which of course meant that when he came back his new gimmick was that of a convict. Anyway, Crush immediately helps Murdoch to dump both of the Smoking Gunns as they brawl on the ropes. Steven Dunn gets tossed by Aldo Montoya. Dude, you were eliminated by the Jellyfish. That’s GOTTA sting. (BA dum DUM! Thank you, I’ll be here all week, twice on Friday!) Another shot of Pamela, who is looking exceedingly bored. And hot. But mainly bored. Heck, I’m bored, too. Now that the 60 second clock has stopped its incessant ticking this is a surprisingly listless Rumble. Vince rants about how there will never be a tie at the end of a Rumble ever again, but ironically 10 years later they DID do that as the finish of a Rumble, though that time it didn’t end as a draw. Murdoch almost eliminates Shawn, but oddly enough, Luger saves him. Lex, you hate him, remember? Don’t abandon the Phantom Feud now! Murdoch tries to headbutt Fatu, forgetting Wrestling Biology Lesson #1. A backdrop and Crush eliminates Adam Bomb. Crush is getting a surprisingly big Rumble push for someone who was essentially on his way out. Shawn eliminates Aldo pretty easily. Murdoch again nearly eliminates Shawn, and AGAIN Luger saves him for no reason. You are toying with me, aren’t you, Lex? Now you’re gonna tell me that the Phantom Feud never existed at all! My world is crushed! The room is spinning! Okay. Okay. I’m okay. I just have to keep repeating: There is no Santa Claus, and there was no Phantom Feud. Everything will be fine. Sigh. Okay, I’m back. Fatu does his 360 clothesline sell for Crush, and then Crush easily eliminates HIM, too. Man, this is a solid Rumble run for a guy who wouldn’t be on TV for another year and a half. Murdoch hits an AIRPLANE SPIN on Godwinn (boofing Shawn in the face in the process), but then gets so dizzy that he tumbles over the top himself while Godwinn BARELY hangs on. Oddly enough, everyone spreads to corners like it was time for the Final Four, except that there are five guys left. Eh, what the hell…

Final Five: Shawn Michaels, The British Bulldog, Lex Luger, Henry O. Godwinn and Crush
The heels jump on the future Allied Powers quickly. Lex comes back on Henry Godwinn and tosses him, so NOW we’re down to…

Final Four: Shawn Michaels, The British Bulldog, Lex Luger and Crush
That’s more like it. Lex slugs away on both remaining heels until they double up on him. They try and toss him in the corner until Luger fights his way out of it. Luger then climbs the turnbuckles to pound on Crush, and in the annals of Dumb Rumble Ideas, that has got to rank in the top ten, as Shawn rather casually walks up and dumps Lex to the floor. HA! YES! I told you! The Phantom Feud lives! I never doubted for a second! Yeah, so, anyway, we’re down to three. Crush and Shawn team up on the Bulldog until Crush decides to turn on Shawn, pressing him over his head…but Shawn gets out with an eye poke and the Bulldog eliminates Crush with a clothesline. We’re down to two, and it’s the same two we started with: Shawn and the Bulldog. And now, finally, after all night, the audience comes alive. They exchange blows, with Bulldog winning. He dominates and tries to press him out, but just crotches him on the top rope instead. Shawn Rides the Pony a bit until he bounces back into the ring. A big clothesline takes Shawn over the top and apparently to the floor, and even though he’s still holding onto the ropes, they start playing Davey’s music, giving the impression he won. The Bulldog climbs the ropes to celebrate…and in comes Shawn from behind to knock him over the top to the floor. The bell rings, and the referees raise Shawn’s hand. Finkel clarifies that only ONE of Shawn’s feet hit the floor, therefore, Shawn is the winner. They show a replay, and indeed, in a rather amazing bit of physical dexterity, Shawn precariously dangles for seconds on end, but his second foot never QUITE hits the floor. Shawn celebrates with Pamela in the ring, though by the time Mania happened she dumped him and escorted Diesel instead. What a tease. Anyway, the overriding story of the first two going the distance is a really good idea (one they would recycle to much better effect 11 years later in the 2006 Rumble), but the handicap of the shortened interval time makes this one a disaster. The WWF would learn their lesson, though, and they would never drop the interval below 90 seconds again.

THOUGHTS:
Nothing is actively bad on this show, really, but nothing is actively GOOD, either, and the fiasco of the Rumble’s timing ruins what is typically an un-ruin-able match. The end result is one of the weakest shows in the history of the event, one that really highlights how bad the mid-90’s were for the WWF. They really wouldn’t shake off those doldrums for a couple years yet, when the Monday Night Wars were in full swing and some guy named Austin was catching fire. But again, no complaints about the show as a DVD, with NO noticeable music edits outside of the opening theme and no major changes to the show at all.

Next: 1996! We start to get edgy! And a few REALLY big newcomers make their debut!

MST3K...the next generation?!?!?!

2007-04-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

Well, not EXACTLY. But this is as close as we'll ever come, probably.

Take a look-see.

I gotta be honest. This makes me smile. A LOT. Especially the idea of the guys getting material like Rue McClanahan stripping. :)

Royal Rumble '94

2007-04-18T11:42:00.000-07:00

(Sorry for the delay in posting ANYTHING - life kinda got nuts there for a while. More stuff soon, I promise!)

So, the big sumo guy won Rumble ‘93, and won the world title at WrestleMania in one of the shortest and most underwhelming WWF title changes ever, climaxed by That Hulk Hogan Guy coming out and winning the title from him, like, 2 minutes later.

No, I’m being dead serious.

This, how you say, put a LITTLE bit of a damper on the WWF’s supposed efforts to launch a “new generation,” led by Bret Hart, although Hogan supposedly agreed to put Hart over in a match at SummerSlam. Well, I was at that SummerSlam, and I can personally attest to the fact that there wasn’t any match where Hulk Hogan lost to Bret Hart. There wasn’t any match with Hulk Hogan, period. There was a match where Bret lost to Jerry Lawler, though.

Once again, I’m being dead serious.

No, Hogan apparently balked at putting over a “little guy” like Bret, leading to Hogan instead dropping the belt right back to Yokozuna at King of the Ring ‘93. Hogan was quickly ushered out of the company after that. Instead of having Bret defeat Yoko for the belt at SummerSlam, however, the WWF then decided to switch gears and abruptly turn new arrival Lex Luger face, followed by pushing HIM to the main event of SummerSlam, where he beat Yokozuna…by count-out, which meant Yoko kept the title.

Hand to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I’m being DEAD serious.

So Yoko held the title the remainder of the year, running roughshod over the company and becoming the first monster heel to hold the title for any appreciable length of time since “Superstar” Billy Graham. Luger had blown his “one title shot” by winning via count-out, and Bret was busy with his mid-card feud with the King. This left the role of challenger empty, until the Undertaker stepped up by year’s end. Taker started pursuing Yoko to monster fan reaction. A casket match was scheduled for the Royal Rumble, making the apparent title switch a mere formality.

Except, it wasn’t. In fact, the WWF had other ideas. And I swear to you, as you read the following, I am still D-E-A-D serious. The following actually occurred on PPV. I am utterly sober as I write this. If anyone was on drugs, it was the bookers.

Royal Rumble 1994
Providence, Rhode Island
1/22/1994

They overdub the theme song again, though this year they’re overdubbing a different theme than they had been the past few years. I dunno, beats me.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, who runs down the card before introducing his color commentator…”The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase, whose career had ended not long before due to a neck injury. This was basically his only show as color man before he got phased into a role as a heel manager.

Tatanka vs. Bam Bam Bigelow (w/ Luna Vachon)
Tatanka was no longer the Undefeated Native American, as he had been pinned by Ludvig Borga a few weeks prior to this. In fact, this match was originally scheduled to be Borga/Tatanka, but Vince claims Borga suffered an ankle injury, and so now Bammer’s doing double duty. (Actually, TRIPLE duty, as you will soon see.) There’s actually a bit of symmetry here, as Bam Bam was who Tatanka had been feuding with BEFORE Borga, and they never actually blew off their feud, so it kinda works out. This crowd is damn hot, with big cheers for Tatanka and big boos for Bammer. Luna was introduced the year before at WrestleMania and got attached to Bammer just a couple months later. Slugfest early on, with Tatanka dominating. Tatanka heads up top for an early high risk move, but crashes and burns and Bammer takes over. Tatanka quickly comes back and tries a top rope sunset flip, which, when you’re facing a guy who is near 400 pounds, I think we can all agree, is not the brightest of moves. And look, Bammer just sits down, and that puts him right back in control. Tatanka doesn’t really look all that different from what he did when he made his comeback last year, which is probably why he got the chance, though he never actually got USED or anything. I think he got a tag title shot with Matt Hardy, who at that point was so firmly in the WWE doghouse that he might as well have worn a flea collar. Bam Bam hits a dropkick…well, I’m being rather generous to say he “hit” it. More like he jumped in the air and both his feet grazed the air on either side of Tatanka’s head and he went down anyway. Bammer locks on a bear hug (he must have really liked that resthold). Turns out TATANKA is in the Rumble, too, which means we are now in the lean years where we were really scrapping for warm bodies to fill the 30 slots. We were a couple of years away from booking Dick Murdoch for it, though. Tatanka of course keeps his arm up on the third drop and chops out of the hold, but a Bammer shoulderblock ends that little comeback. Impressive power slam by Tatanka gets two. Double knockout spot followed by Bammer tossing Tatanka’s head into the turnbuckle, but he starts the Blatantly Stereotypical War Dance…so Bammer just hits an enzuigiri and stops it. Heh. Bam Bam heads up for the moonsault but misses, and Tatanka heads up and hits a high cross body for the three count. Decent opener that riled up the crowd, just like an opener should.

Feud In Review: The Harts/Quebecers. There really isn’t much of a feud between the two teams, as it’s really just an excuse to set up the Owen/Bret situation. Owen accidentally knocked Bret off the apron at the Survivor Series, which led to Owen’s elimination from the match. Once it was over, Owen came back out to complain. Two weeks later, Vince “Sh*t Stirrer” McMahon interviews Owen, leading to Owen challenging Bret to a match. Bret doesn’t wanna fight his brother, so no go. They “reconcile” and team up to go after the Quebecers’ tag team titles at the Rumble. Meantime, the Quebecers lose the titles to the 1-2-3 Kid and Marty Jannetty, but it’s all good, as neither the Kid nor Jannetty can hold onto a title to save their lives at this point, so the Quebecers win them back at a house show a week later and the title match is back on. What is with Jacques Rougeau winning titles at un-televised shows a week before the Rumble, anyway?

Todd Pettengill (shh…listen…hear that? That’s the shuddering spines of thousands of wrestling fans at the mere mention of that name) interviews the Harts pre-match. Owen, BTW, has switched to the singlet he would wear for the rest of his career. They’re gonna win the titles and make their parents proud, etc.

WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Quebecers (champions) (w/ Johnny Polo) vs. The Hart Brothers
Oh, mighty Quebecers theme music, how you enrich my soul. Okay, so after the “French Horn” phase of the Mountie’s musical career was over, he switched to a wonderfully corny theme with lyrics like, “I’m the Mountie! I’m handsome, I’m brave and I’m strong!” Then, Jacques left the company for a while, only to return as half of the tag team The Quebecers with Pierre Ouellet. They both wore the same Mountie outfits Jacques had worn before, only now the theme song said, “We’re not the Mounties! But we’re handsome, we’re brave and we’re strong!” Classic. And let’s ADD to the weirdness - their manager is a spoiled rich kid who wears Hawaiian shirts, short pants with knee-high socks and a wide-brimmed hat. His name is Johnny Polo. If, at the time, I had told you that this annoying character would, in less than two years time, be completely transformed into one of the hardest of hardcore wrestlers in the world, you’d think me completely nuts. But upon leaving the WWF, Johnny took a trip to Philadelphia, started wearing leather jackets and jeans shorts, and got in touch with his inner manipulative-slacker-who-likes-to-quote-Edgar-Allen-Poe. Yes, that’s Raven. This is a weird world. Big, huge pop for the Harts. Vince, naturally, totally believes the Harts’ troubles are over, and Ted, naturally, doesn’t. DiBiase rubs the salt in the wound by calling Owen “the Shadow.” And keeping with the “we need warm bodies” Rumble theme, both Bret AND Owen are scheduled to be in the Rumble. The Harts take control early on Pierre, who is more of a power wrestler than Jacques. Now the announcers are just making up history, claiming DiBiase has been in every Rumble match ever, though he wasn’t in the first one or in 1991’s. But I’m a huge geek, so I know that kind of stuff. Jacques comes in and has little more luck. The Harts even hit the old Demolition Decapitation on him. Bret goes for a bunch of pins on Jacques, climaxed by Pierre coming in and nailing him to stop it. Hell Breaks Loose early, but the Harts diffuse it quickly, and the Quebecers head to the floor to regroup. Bret starts controlling BOTH Quebecers once they get back in. Bret and Owen start working over Jacques. The storyline is pretty clear: When they’re on the same page, the Harts can’t be beat. Pierre finally nails a powerslam on Bret to take control. Quebecers work on Face-In-Trouble Bret for a while until Pierre hits a devastating Flying Chindrop to Bret’s Boot, leading to an early Race to Tag…Tag to Owen, House Afire. Owen locks a Sharpshooter on Jacques, but Pierre bulldogs Owen to break it up while the ref is escorting Bret out. Now Owen’s Face in Trouble, until he nails a Double Dropkick to tag in Bret. Bret beats on both Quebecers for a while, then Owen holds Jacques so Bret can nail him…but Polo holds the ropes open and Bret spills to the floor, hurting his knee in the process. The Quebecers, naturally, start swarming on the knee like locusts on the floor, with Owen trying to help but only leading to the referee not seeing what the Quebecers are doing. Owen literally throws Bret back into the ring himself. The Quebecers continue to work over the knee back inside, with the announcers stressing how he needs to tag Owen. Bret keeps getting momentary comebacks that quickly get squashed by the Quebecers. They go for their finisher (The Tower of…something…Pierre does a top-rope senton while Jacques holds his hands), but Bret rolls out of the way. Instead of tagging Owen, Bret tries to put the Sharpshooter on Pierre as he’s prone, but collapses as he tries to stand. The referee calls for the bell, stopping the match because of Bret’s injury, which means the Quebecers retain the titles. A really good tag match, which gains importance because of what it means in storyline in just a second. Owen confronts Bret about what happened, repeating over and over that all he had to do was tag him. Bret struggles to his feet and tries to calm him down. Owen responds by kicking Bret’s leg, sending him back to the mat. HUGE heel heat for that. Owen heads to the back alone (ranting at the camera the whole time) as referees and officials help Bret out. Interviewer Raymond Rougeau tries to get a word on Bret’s condition in the ring, and there’s no definitive word on whether or not he’ll even be able to be in the Rumble. This ignited the feud that would carry the WWF through most of 1994, turning in several classic matches before it was through and forever making the career of Owen Hart in the process. But there would be a slight stumbling block…

To Pettengill with Owen, who gives a really passionate whiny interview about how selfish Bret is and how it cost them the titles, and that’s why he kicked his leg. But what he says is, “that’s why I kicked your leg out of your leg.” It’s a really weak finish to a really good interview to set up the character. I bring this up to point out that here, a newly-minted major character kinda stumbles in his first big interview, and we just ignored it, moved on and made a ton of money from the angle, and Owen proved worthy of his chance. Matt Hardy, in a similar position two years ago, also stumbled in his first major interview, and that has been used as evidence ever since that he cannot be trusted with a main event spot and has been held down ever since. Hypocrisy or wrong-headedness? You make the call…

To Vince and Ted, where Ted applauds Owen’s change of attitude.

Intercontinental Title Match: Irwin R. Schyster vs. Razor Ramon (champion)
IRS didn’t really have theme music at this point, he just came down to ringside with a microphone and ranted at how everyone in the crowd was a tax cheat. As you can expect, this got him a fair amount of heat. Razor had been turned babyface the previous summer and quickly became one of the hottest characters in the company, winning the vacant IC title on Raw in the fall, which was made vacant when then-IC champ Shawn Michaels briefly left the company due to a contract dispute. Razor immediately started feuding with IRS over the belt (the storyline being that Irwin had “repossessed” his jewelry), but then Shawn resigned with the company and started showing up carrying his own copy of the IC title - meaning the one he owned when he was stripped of it - and claimed he was the TRUE IC champ. So Razor’s dance card was a little full at the time of this match. Jim Ross and Gorilla Monsoon, who were now the official “B” announcing team, take over for this match, mainly as a grace note to get them briefly on television, as they had been calling the show for Radio WWF the rest of the night. Ah, Radio WWF, another in the long line of Vince McMahon Ideas That Didn’t Work That We Just Ignore Because Our Official Position Is That Vince McMahon Is A Genius. Slugfest right away, and of course Razor wins that easily. IRS bails out. Ramon improved by about ten times as a worker when he turned face. Razor again slugs IRS down, and Irwin bails to the floor once again. More dominance by Razor once he re-enters, until Irwin tosses Razor over the top to take control. Rotunda was a simply great worker, as evidenced by the fact that he somehow made a goofy gimmick like IRS work. IRS goes for a Chindrop to Razor’s Boot, but in a moment of brilliance, stops himself before he hits it and drops an elbow on Razor instead. It’s that kind of stuff - not falling for the usual heel mistakes - that really gets a heel over as smart. Samoa Joe does it to great effect all the time nowadays. Irwin continues to dominate, with a few near falls, and an old school “heel puts his feet on the ropes” spot to keep the crowd into it. Razor slugs away to come back. Man, Razor’s punches were second to none. Whip gets reversed and the ref gets knocked out. IRS goes for his briefcase, but Razor ducks it and hits IRS with it himself. Cover, but of course there’s no ref. IRS gets hit with a back suplex off the top, then Razor goes for the Razor’s Edge…but here comes Shawn Michaels to waffle Razor in the back with his IC title belt. Shawn retreats to the back and Irwin covers Razor, 1, 2, 3. IRS celebrates with the IC title belt…that Shawn brought down with him. Oops. Because, in comes a second referee to tell the first what happened, and show that there are, in fact, two title belts at ringside. Razor quickly grabs IRS off the ropes and gives him the Razor’s Edge, and the referee signals that he’s changed his mind by counting the pin for Razor to retain. Really good match that ended the Schyster feud and turned up the heat on the Michaels one, which would climax at WrestleMania in some gimmick match…what is it, a Ladder Match or something? Eh, probably won’t be that great.

Feud In Review: Undertaker/Yokozuna. Well, it’s not really a Feud In Review, more of a Undertaker-Ranting-At-Yokozuna-While-Building-A-Casket In Review. See, Yoko had been an unstoppable monster as WWF champion for most of the year, but when he finally faced the Undertaker at the Survivor Series, Yoko got his *ss handed to him and ran away terrified. So Taker gets a title match at the Royal Rumble, in a Casket Match, and we get a ton of vignettes of him building the “double-deep, double-wide” coffin for Yoko. Funny moment: Taker wishing Yoko a merry Christmas and then saying, “Ho…Ho…Ho.”

WWF Title Match, Casket Match: Yokozuna (w/ Mr. Fuji & Jim Cornette) (champion) vs. The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer)
If you want to know the point of origin of pretty much all of the ultra-silly cr*p that has been inflicted on the Undertaker character over the years…it’s right here. See, up until this point, the Dead Man had just been a tall, creepy guy that may or may not be a zombie. There had been no true supernatural elements ever introduced to the character’s aura. Sure, you had the “power of the urn” stuff, but that could have just been psychosomatic. Nothing truly ludicrous had happened. Until this night. Watch and learn.

After a year of looking supremely confident and utterly unstoppable, Yoko looks positively freaked out here. Cornette had been signed by the WWF over the summer and was quickly added to Yokozuna’s entourage as the “American Spokesperson,” which was shorthand for “we need someone to do Yoko’s interviews.” The pop for the Taker is simply unreal - once the “gong” hits, the roar of the crowd shakes the rafters. Yoko suddenly gains some guts and challenges the Taker in the middle of the ring, then tries to sneak attack him with a splash but misses, and Taker takes over early. Big flying clothesline takes Yoko down and out. Yoko sends Taker to the steps, and even that doesn’t phase him. Old School ropewalk by the Taker. Taker tries another clothesline but misses and spills to the floor again. Yoko grabs a chair (Casket Match = No DQ - remember that), but Taker quickly strips it from him and clobbers Yoko with it twice. Yoko tosses a handful of salt in Taker’s eyes to finally take control. Yoko tosses Taker to the steps and then nails him with the chair twice. Taker still struggles up, so Yoko tosses him to the steps a few more times. Back into the ring, Yoko still in control. “USA” chant, because the Taker may be a zombie from the underworld, but he’s an AMERICAN zombie, by god. Yoko tries to put Taker in the casket, but can’t get him all the way in and Taker comes back. They exchange blows in the middle of the ring, but Yoko stops it with a belly-to-belly…and the Taker sits up. Taker goozles Yoko and hits the chokeslam, then a HUGE running DDT puts him down for good. Taker rolls Yoko into the casket…

NOTE: Up to this point, we’ve had a good, high-impact brawl with amazing crowd heat. Nothing earth-shattering, but good. But, from this point on, it goes downhill - slowly at first, and then like a alpine skier hitting a cliff.

So, Taker has Yoko in the casket, and goes to shut the lid…and here comes Crush, Yoko’s stable-mate under Fuji. Crush nails the Taker and saves Yoko from defeat, but Taker dispatches Crush and goes to shut the lid again…and here come Tenryu (who had been brought in as a “hired assassin” by Fuji) and the Great Kabuki (ditto), to stop him. Taker dispatches of them, too, then goes to…well, here comes Bam Bam Bigelow. All four of them start ganging up on Taker. Yoko’s still unconscious in the casket. Somewhere in the fray, Fuji and Cornette swipe the urn from Paul Bearer, which I guess explains why the heels are actually winning. Yoko finally wakes up and crawls out of the casket as Paul finally shows some gumption and nails both Fuji and Cornette to take the urn back. The Power of the Urn restored, the Taker finally starts fighting back, even with it 5 against 1. The crowd goes nuts for every Undertaker comeback. And here’s Adam Bomb (we’ll cover him in the Rumble) making it SIX-on-one. Bam Bam tries to hit Taker with the bucket, but Taker ducks and hits everyone else with it instead. And here’s “Double J” Jeff Jarrett coming in, making it SEVEN-on-one. Then here come the Headshrinkers and it’s NINE-on-one. That FINALLY puts the Taker down…until he sits up and starts wailing away on everyone again. The crowd chants for Lex Luger to come and help him, which is quite possibly the only crowd in wrestling history to chant for Lex Luger for ANYTHING, but no go. In comes Diesel to make it TEN versus ONE. They successfully pound the Taker down and toss him into the casket…but before they can shut it, the Taker opens the lid and comes back AGAIN. The crowd once again goes nuts.

NOTE: Okay, we are now getting a little silly, as not even ten of the supposedly-toughest heels in the WWF can keep one guy down, but he HAS been built up as an unbeatable superman for the past four years. Still, we have not truly hit Ludicrous Speed just yet…but oh, what’s that up ahead? Could it be a cliff? A cliff of insanity?

Taker fights back in and the heels all swarm on the Taker yet again. Paul Bearer is on the apron for some reason, and Yokozuna finally takes a physical role once again in his own WWF title match by nailing Bearer and stealing the urn. He nails the Taker with it, and opens it up…and green smoke escapes from the top. Vince McMahon, that master of the supernatural that he is, immediately identifies what is happening: “It appears the power of the urn is escaping!” Um, yeah. So, suddenly, the Undertaker is totally lifeless, and all the heels hit moves on him at will. Suplex by Crush. Fistdrop by Jarrett. Elbow by Diesel. Headbutt by Bam Bam. Splashes by both Headshrinkers. And then, finally, they drag Taker over to the casket, where Yoko casually kicks him in. They slam the lid and lock it, making Yoko the winner. The crowd is stunned.

NOTE: Now wait, you say, that may be more than a bit over the top, but it’s not completely ridiculous or anything yet…oh, we haven’t finished with the post-match shenanigans, my friends. Just hold on.

So the heels start dragging the casket up the aisle toward the back…and the gong sounds. The same green smoke starts pouring out of the casket. Another gong and the lights go out. Another gong and an image of the Undertaker laying in the casket appears on the video wall above the entrance. Another gong and the Taker opens his eyes on the screen and starts delivering a monologue about how the Spirit of the Undertaker lives in the soul of all mankind, and soon everyone will witness his re-birth. “I…will not rest…in peace.” Then, we hear thunder, and the image on the video wall starts to flicker, like it was a fluorescent light tube that is about to burn out. Then the image of the casket explodes, leaving a negative image of the Undertaker on the screen. Then, the image rises to the top of the screen, and “the Undertaker” appears above the video wall and “ascends into heaven,” floating up and out of the arena (with the cables clearly visible in a few of the shots). We cut back to the floor, all the heels have disappeared and Paul Bearer (who once again has the urn) pushes the casket out of the arena.

I love the Undertaker character. And as a kid, I loved this bit. But knowing now what I do, I really, REALLY wish they had never done it. Not only was it totally insulting, but it also lead to YEARS of supernatural cr*p clogging up WWF television shows and ruining the credibility of its storytelling. I mean, we have a guy on the roster who routinely comes back from the dead, how are you ever supposed to top that? I mean, yes, the Taker had a back injury that needed to heal, and so we had to take him off the show for a while (he wouldn’t reappear until SummerSlam), but what was wrong with an old-fashioned injury angle? From this point on, it became about ever-escalating trickery for the Dead Man. I’m not saying that this kind of thing can never be done - they have reached a decent point now where the character’s supernatural elements are only tapped occasionally and are tempered by the solid veteran worker who works his *ss off every time out. But for a while there, the character was in danger of being overwhelmed by its gimmicks. For better or worse, the Undertaker character would never be the same after this night.

To the announcers, who express disbelief - very briefly, indicating something got cut out here.

The Royal Rumble
Now, let us pause a second here to consider the logic of this. We’ve just depicted a scenario where, for the first time in recorded history, a documented supernatural event has occurred before thousands of witnesses and millions of viewers on pay-per-view. So, what happens then? Do we call in some scientists to verify the event? Alert the media? Stop everything until we can figure out just what the heck happened? Nope, it’s ON WITH THE REST OF THE SHOW! And WWE wonders why no one ever takes them seriously as storytellers. BTW, due to “time constraints,” the Rumble’s interval is reduced for the first time ever down to 90 seconds. That, we can live with. It’s when they cut it down even MORE next year that it all goes haywire.

First Two Entrants: #1. Scott Steiner, #2. Samu of the Headshrinkers
The Steiners were in the tail end of their WWF run at this point, and never made another PPV appearance after this. The Headshrinkers, on the other hand, would be turned face and given a tag title reign within the year, before Samu left the company and got replaced by Sione, the former Barbarian. Slugfest right away with Samu dominating. The crowd isn’t reacting too much, probably still burnt out by the Undertaker bit. Steiner comes back and tries an elimination, but Samu comes back and tries to get Scott out himself…

#3. Rick Steiner
Rick seems pretty nonchalant for a guy whose brother is on the verge of elimination. He gets there in time to save him, though, and then they double team Samu for pretty much the whole of the 90 seconds. Both the Steiners seem pretty nonplussed about being in this thing. Samu goes for a clothesline and ends up hanging himself in the ropes, and works at untying himself…

#4. Kwang
Evil masked ninja, who of course is not really Asian. He is, in fact, the Artist Soon-to-Be-Known as Savio Vega, in his first WWF run. After Samu extracts his head from the ropes, Scott casually pushes him off the apron to eliminate him. Before the Steiners get into it against each other, in comes Kwang to spray EVIL GREEN MIST into Rick’s eyes. That basically makes it Scott vs. Kwang with Rick selling the mist on the mat.

#5. Owen Hart
Huge heel pop for Owen. He goes right after the helpless Rick Steiner as Scott and Kwang keep at it on the far side. Owen easily dumps Rick out, to more boos. Kwang and Owen team up on Scott…

#6. Bart Gunn
Half of the Smoking Gunns tag team, as we are beginning to enter that era where, as WrestleCrap.com pointed out, most every midcarder had a part-time job of some sort. Here, we had the wrestling rodeo cowboys. His partner, Billy, would naturally go onto much more fame than Bart, who nowadays is mostly known for having his head knocked off his shoulders by Butterbean at WrestleMania XV. Bart works over Owen, making it a tag team match. Steiner tries to eliminate Kwang and Owen works on Bart. Vince starts talking about something happening in the back, and they’re sending their cameras back. It apparently takes quite a while for them to actually get the footage to the truck, though.

#7. Diesel
And so begins one of the more famous runs in a Rumble ever. Diesel begins pounding on everyone. Diesel tosses Bart fairly easily. And then Scott Steiner, equally easily. And then Owen, to huge cheers. And then, finally, Kwang, and Diesel’s alone in the ring. The cheers are still huge as the countdown comes up.

#8. Bob Backlund
Backlund goes for the leg to take Diesel down, and has him off balance on the ropes for a second, but a shot to the eye stops it. A few big shots and out goes Backlund. Yep, after lasting 61 minutes the year before, this year he doesn’t even last 61 seconds. Luckily, Bob’s heel turn would save his career within the year. Diesel’s alone again and waits for his next opponent.

#9. Billy Gunn
Billy hits a couple punches, then eats a big boot and gets tossed. He barely lasted ten seconds. Diesel’s now at six eliminations. We FINALLY get footage from the back of Tenryu and Kabuki, Fuji’s “hired assassins,” beating up Lex Luger. So now the announcers are officially writing off both Luger AND Bret for the Rumble.

#10. Virgil
DiBiase, naturally, says he’s really going to enjoy this. Virgil hits a couple quick punches and tries to give it a go, but a few hard forearms are all it takes and Diesel easily tosses him, too. Diesel’s now up to SEVEN eliminations in a row. This was the Rumble performance that got Kevin Nash over, and within a year he was WWF champion. So you have THIS match to thank for Nash’s continuing influence on the wrestling world. Yeah.

#11. “Macho Man” Randy Savage
You know, I THINK Savage will last longer. Oddly enough, if I remember correctly, they cut to a different camera angle when Savage comes out than they did in the original release - instead of a shot of the entranceway we cut to a shot of Diesel in the ring. For what reason, I have no idea. Savage works over Diesel right away, doing better than anyone has in the past ten minutes. Savage tries to eliminate him, with no luck.

#12. “Double J” Jeff Jarrett
Okay, so Jarrett’s first gimmick was that he was planning to use the WWF as a stepping stone to stardom in Nashville as a singer. Uh-huh. Oh, and he had the Amazing Multi-Suspendered Tights at this point. Jarrett jumps on Savage, giving Diesel a rest. Jarrett tosses Savage over the top, but he doesn’t hit the floor, and Jarrett violates Rumble Rule #1 by gloating about eliminating Savage, which allows Savage to nail Jarrett from behind and eliminate him. Back to Savage/Diesel.

#13. Crush
If his participation in the Undertaker debacle wasn’t hint enough, Crush was a heel by now, and in fact had a pretty bitter feud going with Savage, as evidenced by the way they go at each other immediately as soon as Crush hits the ring. Savage starts dominating Crush until Diesel gets back into the fray and they begin teaming up on him.

#14. Doink the Clown
Ahh, Doink. How do I describe this little era of WWF history? Doink started out as a deranged evil clown who would do things like make balloon animals for kids and then pop them. The gimmick was actually pretty good at that point. And then multiple guys dressed like Doink started showing up during shows. Then it got less good. Then he turned face and started hanging around with a midget version of himself named Dink. Then boy oh boy did it start to suck out loud. I won’t even get into all the different guys who have played Doink over the years. Sufficed to say, I have no idea who’s portraying him here. The crowd pops pretty big for Doink, tragically. Crush eliminates Savage surprisingly easily, then Diesel and Crush get into it as Doink slips in unnoticed. Doink squirts water in each of their eyes from his flower (yes, I’m serious) before going on the attack. Naturally, his offense doesn’t last long.

#15. Bam Bam Bigelow
Bammer was feuding with Doink at this point, so his fellow heels invite him in to beat on the clown for a bit. Bam Bam presses him to the floor, and he (obvious circus joke coming in 3...2...1...) flies through the air with the greatest of ease and is eliminated. This is uniquely booked Rumble so far, the way the heels are so easily dominating it. Crush and Diesel quickly team up on Bam Bam and try to eliminate him, but no luck. Everyone beats on everyone for a bit.

#16. Mabel of Men on a Mission
M.O.M. was our rapping tag team. Catchphrase, which the crowd chants right away: “Whoop, There It Is!” Wow, remember THAT phase of pop culture history? Mabel was the larger and more over member of the team, and would go on to become King Mabel and then, of course, Viscera. Man, of ALL the people in this Rumble, who would have guessed that MABEL would still be employed by the company 13+ years later? Mabel and Diesel get into it right away, with Mabel splashing him in the corner. Crush gets crushed, too. And Bam Bam. They finally start coming back on him a bit.

#17. Thurman “Sparky” Plugg
That name probably means nothing to most wrestling fans nowadays. He’s some skinny kid whose gimmick is that he’s a racecar driver. This is actually his WWF debut. We would quickly change his name when it became apparent that “Sparky” Plugg was just a little TOO gimmicky, and he became Bob “Spark Plug” Holly. And then, from there, Hardcore Holly. Again, of all the people, who’da thunk that SPARKY F’N PLUGG would still be around, especially since in all that interim time he has really NEVER been over. He doesn’t make much impact, not surprising given the beef in the ring. Everyone takes turns trying to eliminate everyone else.

#18. Shawn Michaels
Diesel came into the WWF as Shawn’s bodyguard, a role he was still performing at this point. So, naturally, when Shawn comes in he and Diesel have a bit of a faceoff, ending with the two of them shaking hands…which leads to everyone in the ring jumping Diesel from behind and tossing him out with Shawn’s help. Diesel gets quite an ovation on the way out and a loud “Diesel” chant. Again, the seed was planted, and by the next Rumble he would be WWF champion.

#19. Mo of Men on a Mission
Mo doesn’t do much, really, outside of nearly eliminating Michaels. Double team by MOM squashes Bam Bam. Michaels gets tossed out but grabs the rope and swings himself back in, foreshadowing next year’s winning moment.

#20. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine
Surprisingly big pop for the Hammer. Hammer goes to work on Bigelow. Plugg grabs Hammer and holds him for some really loud chops from Mabel. Yow. We all pair off again. Bammer avoids another splash by Mabel.

#21. Tatanka
Thankfully Tatanka has reapplied his war paint after his earlier match. Mabel holds Tatanka for a Shawn punch, but Tatanka ducks and Shawn cold-cocks Mabel in the process. Hammer has Shawn hanging in the corner, but no luck.

#22. The Great Kabuki
Boos for Kabuki after the role he played earlier on. Everyone decides to gang up on Mabel and they finally ease him out and eliminate him. Ten seconds later, Mo has Shawn upside down in the corner again, but he survives.

#23. Lex Luger
Lex apparently forgets who jumped him in the back and nails Shawn Michaels first, THEN starts working on Kabuki. Eh, who knows, maybe Shawn jumped him BEFORE Kabuki and Tenryu got to him, ever think of that? Anyway, Luger beats on Kabuki and tosses him, then goes back to work on Shawn. See? I think I have stumbled upon a Mystery Angle that no one in the WWF wanted us to know about. Maybe Shawn and Luger had a huge feud that the fans never knew, and only came out in group settings like the Rumble match! Or maybe it’s just an amazing coincidence. Luger beats on everyone for a bit, but eliminates no one else.

#24. Tenryu
Vince: “You can bet that we’ll see Tenryu, Kabuki and Crush team up on Lex Luger, there’s no doubt about that!” Well, seeing as how Kabuki just got eliminated, I’d say there’s SOME doubt. Tenryu, showing more focus than Luger, goes right after him, and Luger and Tenryu go at it for the majority of the 90 seconds. Tatanka has Michaels in trouble AGAIN, but he doesn’t go.

#25.
No one comes out for the second time in WWF history, and the announcers say that this must have been Bret Hart’s number. Shawn has Lex up in the corner, showcasing Luger’s disturbingly small tights.

#26. “The Model” Rick Martel
The former record holder goes right after Mo. Ah, Ricky again showing his trademark ambition by going after the biggest names out there. Too bad Virgil still isn’t in this thing or it would be ON. Ring’s getting kinda crowded at this point. Tatanka and Luger exchange blows in the middle to try and pop the crowd, but no luck.

#27. Bret “Hitman” Hart
Nearly two hours later and Bret is STILL selling the pain in his knee. Now THAT’s a professional. Big pop for him, naturally. Crush jumps on Bret right away and starts pounding the knee. Sparky jumps in to help Bret. Who woulda guessed that Sparky would get such a long run in this Rumble? Martel has Michaels upside down AGAIN, but he survives again. These Rumbles so often turn into a Shawn Michaels demonstration of How Many Ways Someone Can Nearly Get Eliminated.

#28. Fatu of the Headshrinkers
Wow, polar opposites for the ‘Shrinkers in the drawing. Bret is lying down in the middle of the ring, and EVERYONE takes shots at the knee. Luger tries to toss Crush. Man, Bam Bam and Crush have hung in there, too. A big gang of people join Lex in trying to toss Crush, and Bret Hart lands his first offense of the Rumble by hammering on a few guys in the pile and helping to toss Crush out.

#29. Marty Jannetty
Shawn and Marty, naturally, go right at each other, drawing a huge pop from the crowd. Tenryu gets in the way for a bit, then Shawn goes for a superkick, but misses and Marty nails one of his own. A big punch and Shawn AGAIN goes over the top, but lands on the apron. Fatu has Bret up in the corner, but he doesn’t go.

#30. Adam Bomb
Bryan Clark in the early days as the WWF’s version of Nuclear Man. He would later go on to become Wrath in WCW, and then became, uh, Bryan Clark as half of the tag team Kronik with Bryan “Crush” Adams. Clark was always a pretty talented big man who never quite got the push he deserved, IMO. And here he gets to keep the #30 curse. Quite a bunch of people in there for the end - 13 in all. Shawn and Bret team up (oh, how ironic that would become) to eliminate Sparky. Good run for his first showing. They explain that the non-entrant was Bastion Booger, who “got a little sick.” Oh, how grateful I am that I don’t have to try and explain Bastion Booger. It could take a lifetime to try and explain THAT gimmick. Bret teases elimination at the hands of a few different people. Ditto Shawn. Major down-time here, nothing happening. The Model eliminates the Hammer to pick up the pace, and Greg gets a pretty good pop going back. The Model then gets eliminated by Tatanka. Adam Bomb misses a clothesline on Luger and goes out. And Fatu tosses Mo. Whoa, SOMEONE told them to start going home. Bam Bam gets revenge for the opening match by tossing Tatanka out. Bam Bam takes a charge at Lex in the corner, but Luger moves and Bammer does a Flair Flip and lands on the apron, where Luger clotheslines him to eliminate him. Bammer sets this Rumble’s record: 31 minutes. Jannetty tries to toss Shawn again, but the momentum is too great and HE goes to the floor instead. Luger and Bret team up to eliminate Tenryu. We have our…

Final Four: Shawn Michaels, Lex Luger, Bret “Hitman” Hart and Fatu of the Headshrinkers
“One of these things is not like the others…” Shawn, naturally, jumps on Bret, while Luger gets Fatu. Shawn nearly gets Bret out, and then Bret nearly gets Shawn out. Luger tries to nail Fatu in the head, as apparently he never learned Wrestling Biology Lesson #1, “Samoan wrestlers have VERY hard heads,” and it doesn’t work. Fatu nails Luger with a headbutt. Shawn and Fatu try to eliminate Lex, but he doesn’t go. Fatu gets to do his 360 spinning sell for Lex’s clothesline. Showing his ability to multitask, Lex pumps the crowd and clears a wedgie at the same time. Lex and Bret try to whip Shawn and Fatu at each other, but they avoid one another…and run right into back bodydrops which eliminate them both. We’re down to Lex and Bret, and they pound on each other and push each other into the ropes…and they tumble out simultaneously. They smartly don’t have a camera on that side of the ring, which makes the illusion that they hit the floor at the same time pretty convincing. Each of the two referees out there thinks a different man won, which brings Jack Tunney out to discuss things. They play both wrestlers’ music, with Bret’s getting a much bigger reaction, in what may have been a little public opinion poll for how WrestleMania’s main event was gonna go. Finally, after much debate, it’s announced that Lex and Bret are co-winners of the Rumble. Our first music overdub of the show happens here, as the old WrestleMania theme gets covered up for some reason. Ah well. A very uniquely booked Rumble in its history, which set up WrestleMania X’s double main event quite nicely.

We get the usual show-closing montage of stills to end it, with the Mania theme still overdubbed.

THOUGHTS:
The debacle of the WWF Title match aside, this is a really good show, with every match being very entertaining and, in many cases, very historically significant. The Rumble match itself kinda drags toward the end, but you can tell they were trying something new with the booking of this one, and seeing how it made a star out of Kevin Nash in the process, you have to say it worked. And once again, the DVD quality is excellent, with only the opening and closing musical overdubs being noticeable.

Up next: Rumble ‘95! We shorten the intervals to one minute! And make it incomprehensible!

A Note to My Not-Interested-in-Wrestling Readers

2007-04-09T14:41:00.000-07:00

I will be posting more stuff on other topics soon, I promise. I'm just really enjoying working on the Rumble series and each of those is taking me a while to finish. There will be more stuff for everyone else in addition to the Rumble installments. Scout's honor! Sure, I was never actually a SCOUT, per se, but work with me here...

Royal Rumble '93

2007-04-09T14:34:00.000-07:00

It’s really pretty cool the way the history of the Rumble, as a reflection of the WWF/WWE, just kinda naturally arranges itself into five-year sections, which divides up the DVD set quite nicely. From 1988-1992, we had the Hogan Era. From 1993-1997, the Bret/Shawn era. From 1998-2002, the Austin/Rock era. And then from 2003-2007, we have what we are currently in, the We Don’t Know Yet Whose Era It Is era. Which is, of course, a big part of the problem.

Anyway, so, Ric Flair wins the title at the ‘92 Rumble, then loses it to Randy Savage at WrestleMania (after briefly teasing a Hogan/Flair main event which got shelved when Hogan decided to “retire”). Flair regains the title from Savage about six months later, apparently with designs of putting it on the recently-returned Ultimate Warrior, but then when it became apparent his latest stay would be mercifully brief, Flair then drops the title to one of the least-expected candidates: Bret Hart, who, after putting on an all-time classic with the British Bulldog at SummerSlam saw his WWF stock rise quickly. Quickly enough that Vince decided to make him champion less than three months later.

No one knew how long Bret’s title reign would last, but all signs looked good going into the new year. Bret was having great matches with a wide variety of opponents and tried incredibly hard to establish credibility as champion by working as often as he could. And, further bolstering his case to remain champion, most other credible challengers had left or were leaving: Hogan was “retired,” Warrior had quit/gotten fired/who knows, Flair was soon to be released from his contract to head back to WCW, Savage was being transitioned into a commentary role. The old guard was being phased out, and a new generation, led by Bret, was going to begin the company’s new era.

Well, that’s how it looked at the time, anyway. And, that’s how it would go down…eventually. There would be a bump in the road, though. A bump named 1993.

Royal Rumble 1993
Sacramento, California
1/14/1993

No opening video or anything, we cut straight to the arena and are welcomed by our hosts Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan. Fun trivia: This is the ONLY time in the Rumble’s first ten years where the commentators were consistent for two years straight. Every other year, new announcers. It’s a little disconcerting. Gorilla runs down the card and Bobby rants about how tonight he’s unveiling Narcissus and it’ll change the world. Well, the H-Bomb changed the world, too, and I don’t think anyone was excited about THAT.

The Beverly Brothers vs. The Steiner Brothers
This is like going from reverse to 100 mph for the Beverlies after last year. Too bad they don’t have a chance in hell here. This is the Steiners’ WWF debut, though everyone knows who they are so it’s not like they’ll have to work hard to get over or anything. For those who never saw Scott Steiner in this era, it’s so hard to fathom that he’s the same guy. Imagine him about 50-75 pounds lighter and with longer brown hair. And WAAAAAAAAAY more talent. I mean, like, this guy was IT. He was THE worker who was gonna take wrestling into the 90s. Think Kurt Angle only even BETTER. That’s what makes me so sad to reflect on the present of Big Poppa Pump. Once he put on the muscle, the talent went out the window and it became all about the “peaks.” Anyway, this is the usual “get the new team over” match, though more energetic and interesting than your usual fare along those lines, as the Steiners really were THAT good at this point. The Beverlies hold up their end, though. I feel less bad about not knowing which Beverly is which, since apparently Gorilla and Bobby don’t know, either. Scott, of course, plays Face In Trouble and takes a beating until a Double Underhook Powerbomb sets up the Race To Tag, tag to Rick, House Afire. Rick hits a SICK German suplex on Beau/Blake, and since it’s 1993 the announcers don’t know the name of it yet. Rick nails a couple of Steinerlines before tagging Scott back in. The Beverlies try a Doomsday Device on Scott, who counters by rolling up Beau/Blake in a Victory Roll as Blake/Beau comes off the top. A Frankensteiner by Scott ends it. Man, I miss the real Steiner Brothers. They show a replay augmented with the “Brain Scan,” Bobby operating a telestrator, though the joke is it doesn’t work. Nyuk nyuk.

To Gorilla and Bobby, running down the history which lead up to our Intercontinental Title Match, with their mikes literally piped into the arena’s audio. Kinda weird.

Feud In Review: Shawn/Marty, narrated by Gene Okerlund. They were the Rockers, then Shawn threw Marty through a window, and then, well, they weren’t the Rockers anymore. Cut to a YEAR later, Shawn is doing his pre-match preening in the ring, and here comes Marty from the crowd to rudely interrupt him. Marty beats him from pillar to post and then takes the mirror from Shawn’s manager/lover Sherri. Shawn pulls Sherri in front of him to save himself, and Marty accidentally breaks the mirror over Sherri’s head. This accomplished two things: One, it put Sherri on the shelf for a few months, and two, it gave Marty seven years bad luck, which, looking at his wrestling career, somehow got extended to at least fifteen.

Intercontinental Title Match: Marty Jannetty vs. Shawn Michaels (champion)
Not mentioned in the FIR is how Shawn won the IC title from the Bulldog on the last edition of Saturday Night’s Main Event on the Fox Network. Sherri comes down to ringside before the match, as it was announced that she’d be returning here, though no one knew whose corner she’d be in. She looks a little bigger than she usually does (I mean she’s put on some weight, not that she “looks bigger” in the way women usually do in wrestling), making me wonder if she was on the shelf because she was pregnant or something. A quick glance at Wikipedia reveals she does have a son, though doesn’t provide an age or anything to verify it, and besides, Wikipedia is about as reliable as rumor most of the time. Marty’s outfit is tassles-a-plenty, with his tights cut into streamers, which on my old tape of this show played havoc with the video quality. Shawn is still coming out to Sherri’s performance of his theme song, which, after 14-plus years of his current theme music, is quite disconcerting. Especially since Shawn’s version is so much better. I mean, Shawn’s no Sinatra, but at least his speak-singing doesn’t butcher chords quite like Sherri’s version does. I’m not sure if he’s quite dubbed himself the Heart Break Kid yet. Shawn plays to Sherri and invites her in pre-match, but she doesn’t move. It’s kinda unique how, in a world where pretty much everyone has changed their gimmicks about 40,000 times in the time since this show took place (witness the eternally-evolving Undertaker), Shawn has remained virtually unchanged since this point in his career. Sure, he occasionally becomes a degenerate, but he’s still Shawn Michaels, just a Shawn Michaels who points to his crotch more. Shawn starts jawing at Jannetty, Marty slugs him, so Shawn bails to the floor. Good back-and-forth stuff to start, with Marty getting most of the big moves, though the crowd isn’t yet particularly loud for this one. They aren’t for pretty much anything all night, really, except for…well, we‘ll get to that. Marty’s offense isn’t hitting particularly well, but Shawn still flies around like a superball for him. Whenever Shawn is on the floor, Sherri doesn’t go anywhere near him. Marty even hits a tope and it doesn’t pop the crowd that much. Marty comes off the top to the floor but Shawn hits him to take control, then rams his right shoulder into the post. Too bad Marty starts selling pain in his LEFT shoulder. So that sets up the psychology, as Shawn works over the shoulder. It goes on like that for quite a while, and the crowd finally starts to get into it, chanting for Marty. More shoulder work. Words of wisdom from Bobby: “…I’d piledrive him on the steps. That way you crack his head open and break both shoulders at the same time. Good amateur move.” Long armbar by Shawn, working on the shoulder, and Marty taps furiously, but, sadly, the tap-out means nothing at this point in wrestling history, so his effort to jumpstart a wrestling innovation is in vain. But thanks for trying, Marty. This is way more slow-paced than you’d expect for the first big match between the Rockers. Marty fights out, but a single arm DDT stops his comeback. More arm work until Shawn heads up for the dreaded Flying Chindrop to Marty’s Boot (tm PowerPB13). Shawn’s up first, then he whips Marty to the corner so he can run into his elbow and then run into the ringpost. Apparently Shawn is doing Marty’s offense for him at this point in the match, and though we all know Shawn CAN wrestle for two, it’s time for Marty to start picking up the slack a bit. Marty comes back (and completely forgets his shoulder injury) before getting tossed to the floor. Shawn tries to suplex him back in, but Marty counters and suplexes Shawn to the floor. Sherri finally makes a move toward Shawn on the floor - so she can belt him right in the chops. Marty brings Shawn back in and we start exchanging highspots and near-falls. If memory serves, they cut out a moment where Marty grabs Shawn’s trunks, giving fans a half moon. No big loss, by any means, but what a strange thing to omit. Shawn goes for Sweet Chin Music (not named that yet, it’s just The Superkick), but Marty hits it instead for two. The fans are certainly into the match now. More near falls. Shawn quite deliberately elbows the referee to knock him out, then Marty grabs Shawn and calls Sherri into the ring. Sherri then goes to hit Shawn with her shoe, but Shawn ducks and she hits Marty instead. Shawn jaws at Sherri for a bit, then he drags Marty to his feet and hits the super kick for the easy pinfall. Kind of an anti-climactic finish, there. Match started kinda slow but certainly picked up by the end. Sherri heads to the back, hysterical about everything. Shawn comes back to confront her, Marty bursts in to save the day. They say the old, “it’s not over yet!” line to continue the feud, but Marty would be out of the WWF again by the time WrestleMania rolled around, and Sherri would get transferred into a feud with Luna Vachon. Note: Marty came back in May to win the title from Shawn in a great match on Raw, but then lost it back to him at a house show when Shawn debuted his new bodyguard: a big, 7-foot guy named “Diesel.”

To Gorilla and Bobby, who say little of note about what just happened.

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. The Big Boss Man
Sigh. Not 15 years later and both participants are no longer with us. Bam Bam was returning to the WWF for a new run as a heel after his babyface late 80’s run stalled, because he was becoming a threat to Hogan. That’s kinda the way they did things in the WWF back then - if someone became too popular, we killed them off because they were a threat to the golden goose. Are you beginning to understand why so many hate Hogan to this day? And why so many now hate John Cena for the same reason? It’s not necessarily a slight against the man personally (although Hogan was WAY more of an outright politician than Cena has ever been), it’s a rebellion against the way the company has used him. Anyway, Boss Man was nearing the end of his WWF run, and this was a farewell job to put Bammer over. He still gets a big pop, indicating his usefulness was not up for the company, so why he was departing is a bit of a mystery. Bammer takes over right away, controlling with size and speed. Bam Bam was easily one of the best talents who never got a major run in either of the big two. He proved his worth in his ECW run where he got a world title reign and had a great feud with Taz, then headed to WCW for what was to be a big feud with Goldberg which went nowhere. Boss Man finally comes back with a clothesline and some punches. Understandably, Boss Man doesn’t seem to have much fire in this one. They trade offense for a bit and Boss Man hits a bulldog, then gets backdropped over the top. Bammer slowly dominates with shots to the back. Bam Bam slowed his offense down a lot for this heel run, though he picked up as a worker by the time WrestleMania XI rolled around. We’ll get to that soon enough. Bearhug spot slows things down, Boss Man fights out but gets Hot Shot-ed on the ropes and ends up right back in it. Boss Man reverses a suplex, but Bam Bam’s STILL in control. Bammer misses a cross body to FINALLY put Boss Man on offense, including an impressive back bodydrop. He’s still selling the back. Bam Bam hits a big boot and a clothesline to put Boss Man down, then hits the top rope headbutt for the easy pinfall. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a squash. Nothing special at all, sadly, since I like both guys.

Footage from WWF Mania of Razor Ramon beating up Owen Hart. This was back in the stage of Owen’s career where he didn’t really appear on WWF television EXCEPT to be in angles which set up feuds for Bret.

To Gorilla and Bobby, who AGAIN say nothing of note about what is about to happen.

Footage from “last night” of Razor (interviewed by Raymond Rougeau, who had transferred to being a broadcaster at this point) at a Sacramento Kings game, talking about how he’s gonna beat Bret. The accent is REALLY bad at this point. Which is saying something, given how it wasn’t exactly Pacino-level later on, either.

WWF Title Match: Razor Ramon vs. Bret “Hitman” Hart (champion)
The backstory is that Flair and Razor were a team for a while there, so when Bret beat Flair for the title, both Flair and Razor vowed to come after him. Flair failed, so now it’s Razor’s turn. In a moment that is indicative of a lost art, we go back to Mean Gene, who interviews Bret backstage while Razor’s entrance is going on. We even get to see Bret coming out to the arena from the other side of the curtain, which is pretty unusual. Big ovation for Bret, easily the biggest of the night so far. Stu and Helen are both ringside for this one. Razor was really, really green at this point, both as a character and as a wrestler. His improvement was quite dramatic once he got motivated, thanks to his face turn and hanging out with Shawn Michaels. I really, really miss the old title belt. Just felt like saying that. Razor tosses his toothpick at the boy who gets the Hitman sunglasses, and it’s ON. Because you can assault my little brother, sure, I can deal with that, but throw a toothpick at some kid and your *ss is MINE. Razor takes over pretty quick, but misses a knee in the corner, and Bret goes after it like a shark goes after chum. Bret locks on a figure four quick, but Razor makes the ropes. Bret’s still working on the knee. This is Bret’s M.O., what made his matches so fun - if he was given even the SLIGHTEST opening, he pounced and did not let up. Simple, old school psychology, but it worked. Razor reverses a whip and Bret goes under the ropes and hits ribs first on the post. OW. Razor follows him out and hits a couple backbreakers on the floor, then rams him into the post again. Houston, we have a heat segment. Razor works on the back and ribs back in the ring. Razor is showing flashes of the brilliant stalling tactics that made his WCW matches such classics. Few could do less in the ring than Hall and Nash during the Outsiders era. It was truly remarkable how little effort they could put forth when the world was watching. They were amazing at being underwhelming. Razor puts Bret into an abdominal stretch, nailing the ribs as he goes, Bret reverses it, and we finally pick up the pace a bit. Well, for a second, then we go back into Razor’s slow-paced offense. Mainly kicks. A LOT of kicks. Whole lotta kicking going on here. Oh, and slaps to the head. Bret tries to get things going with a few near falls, but Razor will NOT be deterred from his kicking strategy, augmented by a sort-of Camel Clutch. And then a bearhug. It’s like Bret is trying so hard to make this watchable, but through sheer force of lack-of-will, Razor is doggedly dragging it back to mediocrity. You have to admire a man with that kind of lack of dedication. Bret keeps his arm up the third time, then gets out with a bite. Bret backdrops Razor to the floor, then hits a tope to firmly take control. Bret starts pounding away in the corner, trying to chop down the tree, and finally does. Bret starts hitting him with move after move, with nothing getting the pinfall. He even remembers to sell his ribs after hitting the Side Russian Leg Sweep. He goes for the Sharpshooter, but Razor grabs the ref and tosses him into Bret to counter the hold. Razor goes back to the ribs, once again slowing the pace. Bret gets perched on the top rope, but slips down from there and hits a back suplex in a nice sequence. Bret goes to the second rope to hit a Flying Chindrop on Razor’s Boot. Razor calls for the Razor’s Edge, but Bret slips out of it and gets a backslide for two. Razor tosses Bret to the corner, where he takes one of his trademark turnbuckle bumps. He ALWAYS hit that one HARD. Razor locks Bret into a double knuckle lock, which Bret SOMEHOW turns into a pinfall attempt in sunset flip position. It even takes HEBNER a second to recognize that it’s a pinfall attempt. But after Razor kicks out, Bret quickly ties up his legs in Sharpshooter position, then turns him over and stands, and Razor quickly gives it up. How the hell did Bret make THAT match watchable? It was sucking in the middle, then by the time we got toward the end he really got it moving. The man was a miracle worker.

To Bobby Heenan, who, after weeks of build-up and talking about him all night, finally unveils…“The Narcissist” Lex Luger. See, we had signed Lex to a contract for the WBF (think the XFL of bodybuilding), but when that tanked, we transferred him over to the WWF. His gimmick was that he was in love with himself and looked in mirrors all day. Insert your own “not having to stretch too much for this gimmick” joke here. The one upside to this battle plan was the four thong-wearing models who escorted him to the ring at WrestleMania and held mirrors for him. Luger spends a few minutes posing for the mirrors as Bobby sings his praises, then Luger spends a few more minutes posing for the fans, then he rants about how great he is for a few more. Think “Super Posedown” only with less of a point. The one noteworthy moment is when he proclaims himself “beyond (dramatic pause) perfection,” which obviously meant he would be feuding with Mr. Perfect. Trouble is, Perfect had a “career-ending match” the following night on Raw (Raw had just started, BTW) with Ric Flair, so anyone who could put 2 and 2 together could figure out that if Luger and Perfect were gonna be feuding, obviously Perfect wasn’t losing that match. Tipping our hand there JUST a little bit.

And now, we bring out Antony and Cleopatra. No, that’s not a new gimmick, though would anyone be surprised? They are from Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas, the site of WrestleMania IX. Of ALL the music that would have to be overdubbed, it’s Antony and Cleopatra’s? I mean, it amounts to swapping out one generic Roman theme with another generic Roman theme, but still, it’s noticeable. Anyway, Antony reads a long, boring scroll “inviting” everyone to WrestleMania IX. Um, thanks, I’ve seen that show, you can keep it.

To Gorilla and Bobby, where the former hypes the Rumble and the latter gloats about having unveiled the Narcissist.

The Royal Rumble
Since Gorilla ran down the rules, Howard gets right into introducing the first entrant. BTW, this is the first year where the winner of the Rumble gets a title shot at WrestleMania, starting the tradition which remains intact today.

First Two Entrants: #1. Ric Flair, #2. Bob Backlund
So Ric gets screwed again in the drawing. Speaking of people who apparently got screwed, here’s Backlund, in the process of making his WWF return at age 43. He wasn’t making any headway with the fans at this point because his style was out of place in early 90’s WWF. He would eventually morph into the crazy-evil Mr. Bob Backlund and started drawing a TON of heat, even winning the world title one more time before getting squashed like a bug by Diesel. Par for the course, Backlund gets no reaction coming out, but this would change before the night was through. Flair and Backlund do some old school wrestling to start, and this may be the one and only time these two ever wrestled. Flair goes to the eyes and Backlund doesn’t even think to sell it, which is kind of odd. Bob does his running atomic drop, which was his finisher back in the day, then goes to try and dump him out.

#3. Papa Shango
Shango was that old standard wrestling heel, the magic-flinging, voodoo-practicing, curse-inflicting guy with a skull painted on his face. You know the type. His career highlight was making the Ultimate Warrior vomit on national television. In one of those “only in wrestling” deals, he later would morph into Kama, an ultimate-fighting ripoff, and then into The Godfather, a pimp. When Shango first started, the WWF expected him to be a top heel, as evidenced by his run-in at the end of WrestleMania VIII, though by now he…well, just watch. Shango works on Backlund on the ropes, then gets tossed out by Flair. Yep, that’s what he was by now. Flair almost tosses Backlund, but he lands on the apron. Then they get into a chop-fest, with Backlund winning.

#4. “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase
Ted was half of Money Inc. with IRS by this point, and they were the WWF tag champs. They would take part in the other half of that EPIC double main event at WrestleMania, where Money Inc. defended against Hogan and Beefcake. Yet more evidence that if you’ve never seen WrestleMania IX, you really never need to. Ted and Flair work on Backlund. Heenan: “Can you get arrested for beating up the elderly?” It progresses like this for the whole of the two minutes.

#5. Brian Knobbs from the Nasty Boys
The Nasties had turned face by this point to feud with Money Inc., though that feud never went anywhere. If Hogan hadn’t come back, they might have gone to Mania, but he did, and the Nasties never made another WWF PPV appearance. Knobbs helps out Backlund, in one of the oddest teamings I can recall, and tosses Flair over the top to the apron. We pair off, Backlund/Flair and Knobbs/DiBiase, and it stays that way until the countdown.

#6. Virgil
Virg had even LESS career momentum at this point, and had become the most prominent jobber-to-the-stars in the company. That’s kinda like being head of the mailroom at IBM. He and DiBiase get into it right away, then Virg and Knobbs team up on him until Knobbs takes a running dive at DiBiase and goes tumbling over the top to the floor. We once again pair off, Backlund/Flair and Virgil/DiBiase.

#7. “The King” Jerry Lawler
This is Lawler’s in-ring WWF debut, as he had started with the company a few months prior as co-host of WWF Superstars. He comes out in cape but sans crown, as apparently, this is the night where, in retaliation for Lawler’s rather cr*ppy payoffs when he ran Memphis wrestling, someone in the back decided to give his crown a rather cr*ppy payoff, as well. As in, someone indeed went number two in the royal headgear. The rumors flew for years about who it was, with many suspects (it almost became like a game of Clue), until the truth was FINALLY revealed by Percy “Paul Bearer” Pringle in a shoot interview with ROH in 2005. How does he know? “I watched the door!” Whodunnit? Patience, grasshopper, all will be revealed in due time, as the perpetrator of the poop heard ‘round the wrestling world is participating in this very Rumble. In any event, Jerry gets a ton of heat, as he will for the better part of the next 14 years in this company. Flair and Lawler go toe-to-toe in a moment of history that goes unmentioned by the announcers, as again, nothing outside of the WWF means d*ck. Flair bails out after Lawler beats him down, and then Flair and Lawler team up to beat on Virgil. Backlund works on DiBiase. Lawler’s airbrushed tights are a decided contrast to his later attire.

#8. Max Moon
Oy. Just oy. I give you Max Moon, perhaps the single dumbest gimmick conceived, and given the quality of gimmicks in the WWF’s lean years, that is QUITE a prize to claim. Max (who was played by Paul Diamond to start and then Konnan - yes, KONNAN - to finish…I think Diamond’s still playing him here) started life as the Comet Kid, which is a SLIGHTLY better name, and his gimmick is that he’s from outer space. He wears a dorky blue-tights-and-shirt combo with pseudo-digital printing on the sides and front, as well as padded “rings” around his knees and shoulders. And a mask, can’t forget that. Oh, and we cannot ignore the “jet pack” he wore to the ring, which belched smoke and he used to “fly” up the stairs, an effect that was accomplished by shooting a bit of smoke and having Max hop from one step to the next. In case my hard-to-penetrate prose is making this difficult to follow, this sucked. Big time. This is Moon’s one and only PPV appearance. Max hits a dropkick on Lawler, which may be the only offensive move Max got on a non-jobber in his entire WWF tenure. Whoops, spoke too soon, as he backdrops Flair out of the corner. We’re having Ric sell for MAX F’N MOON and we wonder why he wanted to go back to WCW at this point? Everyone pairs off with not much going on. Max hits a spin kick in the corner on Lawler, then tries it again and Lawler easily dumps him out. Oh, rocket man, I think it’s gonna be a long, long time till touch down brings you round again…

#9. Tenryu
Genichiru Tenryu is a star and main eventer of Japanese wrestling to this very day, who made his first WWF appearance back at WrestleMania VII. WWF fans have never been given a reason to care about him, despite his legendary status in Japan. They were just told, “Hey, Tenryu’s coming” and no one knew who that was or why that was important. If this was any other company, we’d be showing footage or something to establish him, but this is the WWF and that would mean acknowledging another wrestling company. Tenryu and Flair have a chopping contest, which Tenryu wins. DiBiase joins in the fun, and we all pair off again. Monsoon announces that Flair and Backlund have been in this for 20 minutes, but given that we’re only at #9, it’s 14 or so at most.

#10. Mr. Perfect
Perfect split from Flair and turned face back in November when the Warrior quit/got fired/etc., and of course his feud is still with Flair. They go at it right away, to big crowd heat. Flair stops Perfect with an eye poke, then gets caught going up top. Their segment takes up pretty much the whole of the two minutes, as the announcers plug the career-ending match on Raw.

#11. Skinner
The alligator man comes out with a big smile on his face, which is really out of character for him. Why could he be so happy? Maybe because of the nice present he left in Jerry’s locker room. Yep, Percy spilled the beans, it was indeed Steve Keirn who did the deed (and the doo) in Jerry’s crown. The funniest part is that both Lawler and Keirn are still working together in WWE - Lawler as an announcer and sometimes wrestler, Keirn as an agent backstage. So all those who had pegged the Taker as culprit were wrong, and congratulations to those players who had “Skinner, in the Dressing Room, with His Anus” on their Clue cards. Skinner helps Flair work on Perfect for a bit, and then a quick sequence ends with Perfect clotheslining Flair out to a HUGE pop. Not much else happens until…

#12. Koko B. Ware
Koko was now one half of High Energy with Owen Hart, and this meant, sadly, that Koko had inherited the ugly green parachute pants. They even UPPED the ugliness factor by adding checkered suspenders to the ensemble. You really have to work at it for Max Moon to have only the SECOND ugliest outfit in a Royal Rumble. Koko works on the world for a while, beating on Lawler in the corner for a bit. Skinner gets tossed by Perfect, but he skins the cat back in…just in time to get dropkicked out by Perfect and eliminated. Ah well, Steve, we all know you won the REAL prize on this night.

#13. Samu of the Headshrinkers
One of the extended Samoan family tree, he’s managed by Afa, who leads him down by the hair and literally throws him in. Samu headbutts the world for a bit. Lawler and Perfect pair off for a bit. Really not much happening.

#14. The Berzerker
I already ran down Berzerker’s career history last Rumble, so I officially have no material for this year. Well, how about his helmet? It had these big silly horns on it! Yeah, that’s something, right? Eh, not really. Anyway, Lawler gets eliminated by Perfect with a backdrop, then Perfect gets tossed to the apron by DiBiase, and while DiBiase and Koko push with their feet, Lawler grabs him from the floor and pulls him down to eliminate him. This was, I guess, supposed to start a feud between Perfect and Lawler, but it never went anywhere. Virgil also got tossed off camera while all that was going on.

#15. The Undertaker
HUGE pop for the Dead Man, who was turned face before Mania and rapidly became one of, if not THE top draw of the company. Samu attacks right away, which of course means he’s the first eliminated by the Taker. Backlund gets tossed through the ropes to the floor by the Berzerker, who then proceeds to wail on him with a chair for a while, just for fun. Berzerker slams Backlund on the floor as Undertaker eliminates Tenryu, as well.

#16. “Terrific” Terry Taylor
After the disaster that was the Red Rooster run, the WWF brought Terry Taylor back into the company for a cup of coffee in 1993, and proceeded to use him under his real name, though by that point the damage was done and he was treated like a jobber anyway. Terry and Koko pair off and fight on the ropes, allowing DiBiase to sneak up and eliminate them both. Might as well establish Taylor as a threat right away, eh? Ted gloats about it, which of course means he’s about to get chokeslammed and eliminated by the Taker. One of the eternal Rumble themes: NEVER gloat. You might as well toss yourself out of the ring right there. Berzerker works over the Taker, and out from the back comes…the Giant Gonzalez. He’s making his WWF debut, and the announcers don’t know his name yet, but the mere mention of those words brings shudders to the spine of every wrestling fan. Story in a nutshell: he’s a really tall guy who Turner signed for the Atlanta Hawks, but when it turned out he couldn’t play basketball, they transitioned him to WCW. He sucked. So, the WWF, with its keen eye for talent, decided to sign him away from Ted, and made him into the Giant Gonzalez. He still sucked. But now he had a silly painted bodysuit that made him look like Sasquatch. So he comes out with Harvey Whippleman, as that master talent scout had supposedly brought him in to get even with the Undertaker. Taker eliminates Berzerker, then has the Big Staredown with Gonzalez.

#17. Damien Demento
Demento’s supposed to be crazy, as if you couldn’t tell by the last name, but even he’s smart enough to stay the hell out of the ring while this is going on. We don’t even cut to get a shot of him entering. Undertaker walks up to emphasize that Gonzalez is, in fact, tall. Gonzalez lands a few “blows,” which Taker sells like he’s being blasted with a bazooka, leading to Taker going over the top and getting eliminated. Gonzalez beats him up outside for a while, which primarily consists of him standing still and “throwing” the Taker while the Taker runs at full speed into various ringside objects. Never say that Mark Calloway is not a company man. That he did the same for Great Khali this year is further evidence. Gonzalez hits a “chokeslam” on Taker.

#18. Irwin R. Schyster
IRS at least gets filmed entering. Gonzalez continues the assault, on the Undertaker and the audience, until he’s finally ushered from the arena. Luckily, they’d get the hint quickly with Gonzalez and he’d be out of the WWF by the end of the year. We’re STILL waiting for WWE to get the hint with Khali. The more things change…anyhow, Taker is left laying in the corner as IRS and Demento beat up on Backlund, who luckily was out on the floor during all this. You know Taker’s in trouble because the famed Zombie Sit-Up is malfunctioning.

#19. Tatanka
The Undefeated Native American (those words ALWAYS preceded any introduction of Tatanka in the early years, like we were announcing his gimmick whenever he arrived) helps Backlund out a bit. Paul Bearer finally comes out in just the nick of too late, and with the power of the urn (as evidenced by Paul saying “The Power of the Urn!” over and over again), the Taker finally rises and staggers to the back in chase of Gonzalez. Everyone in the ring pairs off, as the crowd has kinda died out after that segment.

#20. Jerry Saggs of the Nasty Boys
Oddly, Saggs apparently forgets that he’s feuding with IRS at this point, and goes after Demento instead. IRS has to come up and basically remind him, and THEN the two start facing off. Backlund is still there, two thirds of the way in, and the announcers (and the audience) start thinking about him breaking Ric’s record.

#21. Typhoon of the Natural Disasters
Typhoon has also been recently feuding with IRS as part of the Money Inc./Natural Disasters feud that turned the Disasters face, so of course he goes after…Damien Demento. What, is it the tassels? You guys just hate those tassels? Again, I say, not much going on.

#22. Fatu of the Headshrinkers
Fatu is the Headshrinker who would go on to much more fame, once he gained a lot of weight in his *ss and started wearing a thong. Yep, that’s Rikishi. In a funny bit, manager Afa and Fatu beat each other up before Fatu even enters the ring. We are still in a persistent state of not much going on.

#23. Earthquake of the Natural Disasters
Quake immediately beats on partner Typhoon, leading to a lengthy sequence climaxing in Earthquake dumping Typhoon over the top and out. Well, after that brief moment of Something Going On, we return you to our regularly scheduled Nothing Going On.

#24. Carlos Colon
Carlos is a legendary Puerto Rican wrestler and the father of current WWE star Carlito. He’s making a rare WWF appearance here. Verifying the WWF’s “if it didn’t happen here, it didn’t happen” policy, Monsoon actually calls 20-plus-year wrestling veteran Colon a “youngster.” Yep, that young whippersnapper Carlos, he was only a spry FORTY-EIGHT when this Rumble happened. Tatanka tosses Demento to the apron but can’t get him out. Seriously, guys, what is up with the Demento obsession? Yeah, his haircut is weird and he talks to his hands, but so did the Warrior and he never got gang tackled like this. And, just to add insult to injury, Demento finally gets eliminated by that promising rookie, Carlos Colon. What a future this kid has. Earthquake tries to eliminate Backlund, and the crowd screams, knowing how close to breaking Flair’s record he is. If the WWF had wanted to, they could have really given Backlund a good push after this Rumble performance, but they never did. Backlund survives to big cheers.

#25. “El Matador” Tito Santana
This is Tito’s last Rumble, but he doesn’t make much impact, sadly. Backlund eliminates Fatu with a backdrop, to a big pop. Man, they really got Backlund over on this night. How exactly did they p*ss this all away? Tito tries to eliminate Backlund, and the crowd screams again. Bob survives and we get a close-up to show how exhausted he is.

#26. “The Model” Rick Martel
And, continuing The Neverending Feud, Martel goes to work on Santana. Colon tries to eliminate Backlund and AGAIN he survives, to cheers. IRS goes for a big clothesline on Earthquake, but Quake ducks and Irwin is eliminated. Tito AGAIN tries to eliminate Backlund, and the crowd screams even LOUDER, and when Backlund lands on the apron and scoots back in, the cheers are louder still. Now, after all this buildup, and given the incredibly impressive performance he’s turning in, you might be guessing that Backlund will win.

#27. Yokozuna
Silly people, Trix are for kids. Yoko had debuted in the WWF a scant few months before this, and was rapidly being pushed up the card as new top heel. REALLY rapidly. He and Tatanka face off quickly, and that ends as it must, with the Undefeated Native American tossed out and eliminated. Colon takes a shot at it next, and he is also quickly tossed out. Well, keep trying, Carlos, you have a hell of a promising career ahead, you youngster, you. Earthquake challenges Yoko in the middle of the ring, and the crowd is up for it, bless them.

#28. Owen Hart
Owen’s entrance doesn’t even get an acknowledgement, as we’re still focused on Yoko and Quake’s showdown. Quake hits a few moves and drives Yoko back into a corner, then hits a big splash. He tries again but misses, and then a sort-of belly-to-belly suplex by Yoko eliminates Earthquake. Considering how few contenders are left at this point, the winner is pretty obvious. Yoko knocks Santana down with what can only be called a “I forgot to actually hit Tito with anything, but it’s okay because he went down anyway” move.

#29. Repo Man
Repo, showing that tremendous brainpower, goes right after Yoko, which effects Yoko about as much as a mosquito bite would effect the Stature of Liberty. The crowd cries and then cheers yet again, indicating that Backlund has survived another elimination attempt off camera. We’re too focused on Yokozuna to notice, which makes the winner EVEN MORE apparent. Everyone gangs up on Yoko on the ropes to try and toss him, to a huge pop, but no luck. The crowd then yells in agony when Yoko focuses on Backlund. Dear god, guys, how did you miss what you HAD here?

#30. “Macho Man” Randy Savage
Huge pop for Savage, the only current main eventer left in the match. It probably would have been a good booking idea to have the Taker or somebody out there to round out the final four, as this may be the weakest lineup at the end of a Rumble ever. Savage, ever the ambitious one, goes after Repo Man first. Whoa, dude, maybe you should warm up on a lesser target. The kid who got Bret’s sunglasses, maybe. Yoko dramatically tosses Santana. Saggs holds Martel for an Owen dropkick, but of course Martel ducks and of course the dropkick eliminates Saggs. Owen jumps on Yoko’s back to get his attention, and quickly wishes he hadn’t as he’s rather rudely hip locked out by Yoko. Savage eliminates Repo, meaning it is time for…

The Final Four: Bob Backlund, “The Model” Rick Martel, Yokozuna and “Macho Man” Randy Savage
Backlund is literally crawling on his hands and knees. Martel and Backlund pair off while Yoko works on Savage. Martel, after much effort, lifts Backlund on his shoulders and tries to eliminate him to more screams, and then more cheers when he survives. Martel tries a suplex, but Backlund counters it and puts Martel on the top, and then a big Backlund punch eliminates him to a HUGE pop. The look on Backlund’s face is priceless. Backlund turns his attention to Yoko, who looks mildly curious at who this older man is who is hitting him. A couple dropkicks make Yoko stagger a bit, then Backlund charges at him…and Yoko tosses him out to HUGE boos. But, Backlund sets the new record - 61 minutes and 10 seconds - which would not be broken until 2004. Hell of a performance, Bob. And they give him a huge ovation as he heads to the back, which the announcers totally ignore because Yoko’s beating on Savage. Fuji comes back to ringside to encourage Yoko on. Yoko pounds on Macho for a while, and the crowd doesn’t come alive until Savage starts fighting back. A few punches finally get Yoko staggering, a couple top turnbuckle double axhandles FINALLY take Yoko down to a knee, but then a big thrust kick knocks Savage down, and a belly to belly keeps him down. Yoko keeps up the attack, at a pace that almost makes Razor look like Chris Benoit. Okay, that’s stretching it a bit. A big splash in the corner makes Savage slump, but Yoko tries another one and Savage moves, which finally knocks Yoko down. Savage nails the big elbow…and then COVERS him. Now, seeing as how Perfect and Earthquake both made the same silly mistake with Hogan, there’s no reason to single Savage out, but this may indeed be the dumbest move in Rumble history. Don’t blame Savage, blame the bookers who wrote that as the ending. And ending it is, as Yoko kicks out with such force that it sends Savage over the top to the floor. We again overdub the cr*ppy Roman music as Antony and Cleopatra reemerge to escort Yoko out of the arena and to WrestleMania. Backlund’s performance salvages what was otherwise a pretty dull Rumble.

And we get the Still Photo Montage to close the show. We again overdub the old Rumble theme.

THOUGHTS:
Nothing on the show is actively BAD, per se, but nothing is really GOOD, either. The opener is a squash to get the Steiners over. The Rockers match ended on a good note, but was overall a disappointment. Bam Bam/Boss Man was another squash. Bret pulled a decent match out of his nether regions against Razor, but he’s been in far better. And the Rumble was one of the least interesting in its history, highlighted by great work from Backlund. Again, the quality of the DVD release is great, with only the Antony and Cleopatra music overdubbed of all things, but I certainly can’t recommend this one as a show.

Up next: Rumble ‘94! A much better show! With one exception!

Royal Rumble '92

2007-04-03T20:04:00.000-07:00

So, we put the title on Sgt. Slaughter for the sake of pushing an angle that exploited the Gulf War, only to have the plan blow up in our face in several ways, not the least of which being that the Gulf War was over by the time WrestleMania actually occurred. Hulk Hogan then carried the title for most of the year, until he met the challenge of an up and coming star whose legendary career was accelerating faster than anyone could have anticipated: Shane Douglas.

Ha! No, no. The up-and-comer was, of course, the Undertaker. The two met in a world title match at the Survivor Series, where, with a great deal of controversy, the Taker was able to win the title. A rematch was immediately scheduled for PPV, and when I say “immediate,” I mean, THE FOLLOWING TUESDAY, as the WWF wanted to see how much money they could squeeze out of fans, and did a quick follow-up PPV to see if they could sell fans on the idea of weekly PPVs. Thankfully, this failed, and the PPV universe has stayed virtually unchanged ever since, with no additional shows or rising prices plaguing fans.

Ha! No, no. We now have pay-per-views out the wazoo, with big shows like WrestleMania costing so much that sometimes fans must now decide between buying a PPV or having that kidney operation they’ve been saving up for. Anyway, so the rematch also ended in controversy, and WWF “President” Jack Tunney announced that as a result, the title was now vacant and for the first time, the winner of the Royal Rumble would also receive the WWF Championship. Meantime, the WWF signed a new superstar from the competition, one whose presence on their shows would surely get the wrestling world’s attention, and hopefully distract from the failure the Iraqi angle had been. That superstar was, of course, Repo Man.

Ha! No, no. That superstar was the legendary Ric Flair, who just happened to bring the NWA World Title belt with him, because they were silly enough to let him leave without getting it, and he was petty enough to use it. Court injunctions finally stopped he and the WWF from showing the title on television, which meant the self-proclaimed “Real World’s Champion” now had no title. Meantime, thanks to one of his soon-to-be-regularly-scheduled blow-ups, the Ultimate Warrior had departed the company. Not to worry, though, the WWF had signed ANOTHER major name from their competition, one who would surely inspire the same level of excitement and interest in their fans as the Warrior had: Sid Vicious.

Ha! No, no…oh, wait. I mean, yes.

Cr*p.

Royal Rumble 1992
Albany, New York
1/19/1992

Cheesy opening with Mean Gene announcing the participants. This time I KNOW it’s overdubbed, as I distinctly remember (and have videotape to prove) that Vince did the announcing of this show, so apparently we’ve just lost the rights to the Rumble theme we used back then.

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan. For the record, Bobby was one of Flair’s managers, listed as the “Financial Advisor,” and Mr. Perfect, on the shelf with an injury, is his “Executive Consultant,” which is another way to say, “manager who is actually at ringside.” This is important, because it makes Bobby’s commentary during the main event that much more of a hoot. We also mention that The Mountie beat Bret Hart for the Intercontinental title a few nights ago, and Bret’s hurt, so Roddy Piper will be a substitute in that match for Bret. To this day, I don’t know what happened - if Bret was legit hurt or there was a contract dispute or we just had a change of plans for WrestleMania or what.

The Orient Express (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs. The New Foundation
MUSIC ALERT: The Express’s music is still overdubbed with the Kabuki drums, and the Fink again has to overdub his intro. The Express were already more or less gone from the WWF at this point, as they hadn’t had a PPV appearance since the previous Royal Rumble. Tanaka is even wearing a shirt, indicating that he hasn’t kept himself in ring shape, either. The New Foundation is comprised of Owen Hart and Jim Neidhart, with Owen stepping into big brother Bret’s shoes teaming with Jim. Sadly, they also decided to give the team a whole new look, resulting in both of them wearing Hammer-esque parachute pants in hideous shades of purple and green, accentuated by checkerboard headbands and boots. If Barney the dinosaur and a taxicab somehow mated, this might be the result. This was Owen’s first trip to the big dance under his own name, though he’d had a cup of coffee with the WWF in the late 80’s as the Blue Blazer. The mere mention of that name now brings a lump to my throat, so let us move on. The match is a good affair with good heat, designed to get the New Foundation over. If the Express had been on the sidelines, they don’t show any sign of it. Owen naturally plays Face-in-Trouble after a shot from behind and a blow from Fuji on the outside. We work all the old-school tag team heat-getters, from outside interference to the ref not seeing the babyfaces tag, and of course they all work. LONG heat segment is finally ended with Owen hitting a dropkick on both of the Express, and of course the Anvil’s a House Afire. Owen’s high-flying style was REALLY ahead of its time, especially for heavyweights. Kato gets taken out with a tope, and then a Rocket Launcher (Anvil tosses Owen off the top onto their opponent) gets the easy pin. A pretty good, energetic opener, which, sadly, didn’t accomplish much - the Express never appeared again, and by the time WrestleMania rolled around, Jim was gone and Owen was wrestling as a single. But he was still wearing the purple pants, by god.

We go to Lord Alfred Hayes with the details of Bret’s title loss. Man, there’s a name out of the past. Lord Alfred, who had an announcer’s job for FOREVER, despite the fact that he ALWAYS sounded like he was reading lines. We get short clips indicating how the title change took place, and how Roddy came out to help, which leads to Piper’s title match tonight.

Now, to Sean Mooney, with the Mountie and Jimmy Hart. Yep, they gloat. And whine about defending against Piper. But he’ll still win, ‘cuz HE’S DA MOUUUUUUUUNTIIIIIIIIE! Ah, catchphrases were simpler back then.

To Gene Okerlund, with Roddy Piper. Your classic Piper quote from this one: “He said, ‘The first thing I’m gonna do is take Roddy Piper’s integrity.’ It’s like Jacques Cousteau trying to find a dry spot in the ocean - I ain’t GOT no damn integrity! How do you think I got so far?” Roddy was and still is one of the greatest interviews ever. They emphasize that he’s trying to become the first guy ever to win both titles on the same day, as he’s also entered into the Rumble.

Intercontinental Title Match: The Mountie (champion) (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper
Still the ol’ French Horn for the Mountie. Big pop for Piper, naturally. Fun fact: Roddy had never, ever, in his entire career, had a title in the WWF before this night. Roddy refuses to get into the ring until the Mountie puts his cattle prod away. Yeah, in case I didn’t mention it, part of the Mountie’s gimmick is he carries a cattle prod to shock people with. Not sure how it fits into the whole Mountie theme, but it made a convenient feud-starter, particularly when he did something EVIL, like when he threw water on Bret and THEN shocked him. Or when he used a REALLY BIG shocker on the now-face-turned Sgt. Slaughter. Anyway, Piper throws his kilt at the Mountie and we’re under way. It’s a big brawl, as is the norm for Piper, but that’s okay because the crowd HATES the Mountie and wants to see him get his clock cleaned, so that’s what Piper gives them. It occurs to me that a Monkey Flip is one of the sillier moves in wrestling, because when you go down to set one up, as the Mountie does here, all it takes is for your opponent to stop and hit you while you’re an open target on the mat, like Piper does here. Bobby keeps asking if he can run back and find out what Ric’s number is. A missed dropkick by Piper puts the Mountie in control. Roddy hits bunches o’ punches to come back. Mountie does a skin-the-cat move while Roddy’s distracted by Jimmy Hart, but naturally hits Jimmy by mistake. Roddy locks in the sleeper and it’s over, new IC champ. He shocks the Mountie with his own cattle prod post-match, just for fun. Really short and kinda disjointed, as you could tell they threw this together at the last minute, but the crowd loved it, and it was a great moment in Roddy’s career, so there.

Lord Alfred once again, this time with a “Coliseum Video Exclusive” interview with Hogan. So, we’re inserting the stuff we shot only for the home video releases onto these DVDs, too. I’d kinda prefer the original PPVs, but that’s no big deal. Anyway, Hogan’s gonna win the Rumble, yadda yadda.

Mean Gene interviews the Bushwhackers and…Jamison. Oh, no…no, please…please god no…that means the next match is…

The Beverly Brothers (w/ The Genius) vs. The Bushwhackers (w/ Jamison)
You know how the theoretical presence of shadow and/or “suppressed” memory is such a controversial topic in psychological circles? I think I just proved the existence of it. Because I had quite effectively erased this match from my memory. Until now. Now, much like an old childhood horror that has been buried deep in your subconscious until something triggers it and it comes bubbling up to the surface once again, I am now revisited by the horror that is…the Jamison Match. Okay, long and the short of it is, the WWF had this guy named Jamison (played by comedian Andy Kindler, sayeth online definitions) who played a dweeb on their shows who had no concept of personal hygiene and wore horrible suits with a sock stuffed into the breast pocket and had taped up glasses. Think Revenge of the Nerds only LESS socially conscious and with more of a wrestling theme. So the Beverly Brothers (Beau and Blake, actually Mike Enos and Wayne Bloom, who were a major tag team in the AWA before they got WWF-icized) were antagonizing Jamison one week, and of course who comes to his rescue but your heroes and yours, the Bushwhackers. So we have this match. And I will once again have the nightmares. I hope you’re happy, people. To get the evil off to a rousing start, we get a poem from the Genius. The Whackers’ march somehow looks EVEN SILLIER when Jamison does it. Bobby Heenan: “Don’t touch him; you don’t know where he’s been!” Bobby, you are my idol. Just keep the zingers coming, you’re the only way I’m gonna survive this. We kill a few minutes with the Whackers playing to the fans, as they are really popular, which I can only attribute to mass hypnosis. Those poor fans think they’re watching the Midnight Express or something, I swear. If the laws of science and nature are wrong and psychic power truly exists, it cannot, I say, CANNOT be used for evil purposes such as the spreading of propaganda or to make fans cheer for the Bushwhackers. That is just an abuse of the psyche. Jamison’s eating an apple or something on the floor, which gets thoroughly documented by the sadists on the WWF’s television crew. Finally, something vaguely resembling a “match” gets started. Bobby again: “The only bad thing about wrestling the Bushwhackers is, win, lose or draw, you have to have everything you have on fumigated.” Thank you, Bobby, thank you, you are saving my life right now. Bobby Heenan, not just a great manager and announcer, but a true humanitarian. Luke gets beaten up right away, as the Whackers try to get a “sissy” chant started. And then lots of Greco-Roman biting by the Whackers. The Genius taunts Jamison on the floor, and believe you me he has a lot to taunt him about, but we’re supposed to root for Jamison, I guess. Jamison then blows his nose on his sock and looks at the boogers. For this, some poor fans paid 30 bucks. Gorilla’s rationale: “Hey, at least he didn’t wipe it on his sleeve, did he?” Um, no he didn’t Gorilla, you have me there. MORE time-killing crowd-playing by the Whackers. This is Larry Zybszko-level stalling here. Did you know that Zybszko’s real name is Larry Whistler? Yes, he CHANGED it to Larry Zybszko. He forfeited a perfectly reasonably spelled name for one that NO ONE can spell without looking it up. Like I just had to. I mean, geez, he even had a ready-made gimmick - he could have come down to the ring performing the Andy Griffith Show theme or something. And then the big heel turn would come when he stopped doing it. “That’s right people…I ain’t your Whistler NO MORE!” (Insert crowd boos here.) You may have noticed I’m not actually talking about the match which I am supposedly reviewing in this “review.” Believe me, it’s for the best…wait, what? You mean, you actually want me to pay attention? Really? You’re gonna MAKE me do this? I hate you. I hate everything you stand for. And if you have kids, I hate them, too. All right, all right. Beau (or Blake, I can’t remember which was which) hits Butch (I remember which were which there because Luke has no teeth), but quickly he comes back and hits a bulldog, which is the only wrestling move I’ve EVER seen a Bushwhacker execute. Whackers clear the ring again and AGAIN we kill time playing to the crowd. The Beverlies even try a sneak attack, and THAT goes nowhere. This match has been one, long, endless, pointless spot. Another heel attack is easily thwarted and YET AGAIN the Beverlies head to the floor. I swear, Kane/Khali had more action than this. Finally, a sneak attack on Luke pays off and the Beverlies go on offense. Slow, plodding, boring offense. Meanwhile, Jamison’s chewing on his tie. I promise you, reader, I am making NONE OF THIS UP. People paid good money for a PPV to watch a nerd eat his neckwear while the most boring match of all time was going on. Luke gets beaten on for a few minutes, with the usual heel double-teaming, only much less interesting. The WWF camera crew gives us a long close-up of Jamison’s wardrobe. You evil, evil, evil people. Heenan: “He went to the beach last year at Coney Island, and they wouldn’t let him go in the water. He left a ring around it.” I am nominating Bobby Heenan for sainthood, right now. Any man who can make THIS match even remotely entertaining, well, that is an unqualified miracle. Beau (/Blake/whoever) hits a clothesline which, for some reason, causes Luke to fall SIDEWAYS. This would seem to defy the laws of physics, but several other laws are being violated (namely indecency and public torture), so why not? The ref gets distracted on the other side, allowing the Genius to head over and slap Jamison. Lanny Poffo immediately becomes my all-time favorite wrestler after that one move. Well, at least my all-time favorite wrestler that participated in this match. Jamison’s immortal response: “He hitted me! He hitted me hard!” Beau/Blake hits a move off the ropes on Luke, but Butch makes the save. Gorilla: “Match continuing at a furious pace, here.” Gorilla, I love you, you’re one of my all-time favorite announcers, but if THIS is a “furious pace” I’d HATE to see what you call a “boring pile of cr*p.” Luke finally hits a clothesline and it’s time for a Race to T…ah, my heart’s just not in it. Anyway, hot tag Butch, House Afire, Hell Breaks Loose, Kill Me Now. The Beverlies finally hit a double team double-axhandle on Butch and get the pinfall. Of course, because it can’t just be OVER, the Whackers hit their stupid finisher on both of the Beverlies post-match, and then bring in Jamison to beat up on the Genius a bit (which amounts to a kick in the shins after a minute of build-up), and then parade around with his mortarboard for a while. The match may be over, but my horror has just begun. If there is a god, she is not a merciful one, oh no.

And Mean Gene interviews the Legion of Doom, as I can at least count on a classic Hawk soundbite to restore my will to live. “Weeelllll, Mean Gene, you know what makes us sick, besides EVERYTHING?” Ahh, thank you Mr. Hegstrand. They’re gonna beat the Natural Disasters, you know. “They wanna throw their weight around. Well, that’s okay - WE wanna throw your weight around, too!” Urge to die, fading…fading…fading…RISING…fading…gone.

WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Natural Disasters (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. The Legion of Doom (champions)
This match will probably not be anything great, but it’ll seem like Flair/Steamboat after that last one. The storyline is simple: The LOD beat Jimmy Hart’s Nasty Boys to win the titles, and now have to face his biggest team, Earthquake and Typhoon, the former Tugboat. Big pop for the LOD, as the crowd wakes up after being put to sleep by The-Match-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Basic power vs. power match, with none of the LOD’s usual impact offense working. Earthquake actually tries a dropkick, damn impressive for such a big man, but misses. Pretty much everything is a stalemate early on. A botched Animal bodyslam makes him Face In Trouble, but only temporarily. Hawk tags in and soon after HE’S Face In Trouble, as the Disasters work over his back. Bear hug by Typhoon slows things down. Earthquake comes in and gives him more of the same. A big boot by Hawk and a flying elbow gives us the Race To Tag, tag to Animal, House Afire. Next thing you know, we have a big brawl on the floor, but Typhoon rolls back into the ring and the Disasters win by count-out. The Disasters, being heels, parade around with the belts like they won them. The LOD, being faces, storm the ring with chairs and take them back. Okay power match with a weak ending. Oddly, by the time WrestleMania rolled around, the LOD would lose the tag straps to the yet-to-be-formed-team of Money, Inc. (Ted DiBiase and I.R.S.), the Natural Disasters would turn babyface to feud with them, and the LOD wouldn’t even have a match at Mania. One of those weird booking turns.

To Sean Mooney in “the locker room” with Jimmy Hart and the Disasters, as they rant about how they should be champs because they won and stuff. Proving once again that when you turn heel in the WWF, you apparently deduct about a hundred I.Q. points.

To Gorilla and Bobby, where Bobby says he can recommend a good lawyer for Jimmy.

To Mean Gene, interviewing new IC champ Roddy Piper. One title down, one to go. He somehow finds a way to reference President Bush (the first one, natch) getting sick in Japan AND Martin Luther King, Jr.

To Sean Mooney again, in “the locker room,” interviewing the newly heel-turned Shawn Michaels, who already has the Heart Break Kid character down pat even though he hadn’t given himself that nickname yet. We show clips of Shawn superkicking Jannetty and tossing him through the Barber Shop window, one of the more iconic heel turns of all time. He’s gonna win the Rumble, you know. Shawn’s not quite the great interview he is now, but it’s a pretty good start.

To Lord Alfred Hayes, with another “Coliseum Video exclusive,” as he interviews Ric Flair, who reveals that he pulled #3. Luckily, Bobby hasn’t heard about this yet.

Okay, now we officially make NO sense - as we send it to Gene to discuss the Rumble’s title implications, the old Rumble theme, the one we apparently overdubbed in the intro for legal reasons, is CLEARLY AUDIBLE in the background. So now, a song that gets removed for legal reasons, appears intact LATER IN THE SAME DVD. I is confused.

Pre-Rumble-Interview-Montage! Macho Man’s gonna win! Uh-uh, Sid Justice is gonna win! Uh-uh, Repo Man’s gonna…um, no. Wait, the Bulldog’s gonna win! Uh-uh, Jake’s gonna win! Uh-uh, Flair’s gonna win! Uh-uh, the Undertaker’s gonna win! Uh-uh, Hogan’s gonna win! Well, that was a weird segment - it was like a main event Oreo with Repo Man as the filling.

The Royal Rumble
The Fink runs down the rules, followed by “President” Jack Tunney speaking to drive home the importance of the event.

First Two Entrants: #1. The British Bulldog, #2. “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase
Bulldog is pretty over as a mid-card babyface at this point, whereas Ted was coming to the end of his run as a top singles heel. DiBiase still had Sherri with him, though she’d jump ship to the S.S. Shawn Michaels by the time Mania rolled around. Good segment to start, with two good workers. Ted throws Bulldog over the top, but he catches himself and comes back in to clothesline DiBiase out to a big pop. Davey waits for number 3...

#3. Ric Flair
Bobby, of course, has a coronary. He actually goes off headset to rant, with Gorilla telling him to watch his language. Gorilla is bringing up facts about how no one has ever drawn an early number and even BEEN THERE at the end, let alone won. Monsoon twisting the knife, I see. Bulldog dominates early with power. Bobby apologizes for not being objective in this match. Hee hee. Big press slam by Bulldog, but he doesn’t throw him out. Flair lands virtually no offense outside of eye gouges and low blows. Bulldog dumps him to the apron, but Flair sneaks back in.

#4. Jerry Saggs of the Nasty Boys
Jimmy Hart hits the road after coming down with Saggs, so apparently no managers at ringside this year. Bobby talks about how tremendous the camera work is to keep himself calm. Saggs beats on Davey, making it a double team and giving Ric some rest time. Double clothesline puts Bulldog back in control. He dumps Saggs to the apron, but he catches himself - but stops to gloat about it, so Davey dropkicks him from there and eliminates him. Back to Bulldog/Flair. Flair lands some chops before a power slam by Davey.

#5. Haku
Haku immediately attacks Davey Boy, once again making it 2 on 1...until he attacks Flair, too, driving Bobby mad. Flair, thus, bails out to the floor. Haku continues the assault on Davey, until Flair sneaks back in to work on Haku a bit. It becomes a triple threat match, everyone working on everyone until Davey eliminates Haku. Back to Bulldog/Flair for a second until…

#6. Shawn Michaels
Big heel pop for Shawn. Man, I would have loved to see these three in a triple threat match at some point. Shawn and Ric start trading blows almost immediately. We never really got a Ric/Shawn match while they were in their prime. They fought at Summer Slam a couple years back and it was good, but by that point their combined age exceeded 100. That’s not a dig on either guy NOW, by any means, I’m just saying I would have loved to see them fight THEN, too. Shawn dominates Flair then gets beaten up by the Bulldog. Shawn does his first elimination tease of the night, going over but landing on the apron. Flair works on Michaels a bit, but the ol’ thumb in the eye stops it. Shawn then shows off his “ride the top rope” spot for the first time at the hands of Davey.

#7. “El Matador” Tito Santana
See, we decided that plain old “Tito Santana” wasn’t marketable anymore, so we made him a Matador one week for no reason. And gave him ugly green tights. Goes after Flair right away, but Shawn makes the save. Bobby is literally pleading with Ric to stay on the mat. We pair off for a bit, and the Ric nails THE most blatant shot to the nuts of all time on Davey. EVERYONE in the arena howls in sympathy. Flair tries to toss him, but Tito makes the save and nails the Flying Forearm. *Moment of Bitterness* I lost a trivia contest at Ziggy Zoomba’s one night because the question was, “What was Tito Santana’s finishing move?” I answered, correctly, the Flying Forearm. They said, no, it was the “Flying Jalapeno.” NO, that’s what heel commentator Bobby Heenan called it, because he was mocking Tito. It was CALLED the Flying Forearm. Arrgh. *End of Moment of Bitterness*

#8. The Barbarian
Gorilla: (mockingly) “Barbarian doesn’t like Flair…” Bobby: “Barbarian doesn’t like ANYBODY! When I managed him, he barely liked ME!” Flair’s performance in this Rumble is legend, but I think another guy also turned in amazing work that day: Bobby Heenan. His commentary adds even more enjoyment to the Rumble with his constant rooting, yelling, cursing, pleading and even PRAYING for Flair to win. Great stuff. It becomes beat-up-on-the-faces as Barbarian and Flair try to eliminate Bulldog. Tito almost eliminates Shawn, and then almost GETS eliminated by Flair.

#9. “The Texas Tornado” Kerry Von Erich
Flair and Von Erich immediately square off, which is a throwback to a legendary match the two had in Texas Stadium about a decade before this. Being the WWF, though, we don’t acknowledge it, as anything that didn’t happen here obviously isn’t important. Von Erich beats up on him a while, as everyone pairs off with not a lot happening.

#10. Repo Man
Repo is Smash of Demolition (aka Barry Darsow) in a brand new and MUCH cr*ppier gimmick. It’s pretty much right there in the name. AND he dresses like the Hamburglar’s half brother. It’s funny the way he sneaks into the ring as opposed to charging in. Flair tries to eliminate Bulldog. We’re a third of the way through the Rumble and only the Bulldog has eliminated anyone.

#11. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine
Better pop for the Hammer this year, as the crowd actually knows he’s a babyface this time. Valentine and Flair have a chop-fest in the corner. Greg wins. Bobby uses the term “jobbed” for the first time in WWF history in relation to Flair’s number selection.

#12. Nikolai Volkoff
Nikolai had been gone off TV about a year at this point, after a fairly disastrous attempt to turn him face by having him “defect.” What a thrill it was to hear that voice, which had butchered the Soviet national anthem for so many years, now supposedly be sympathetic because it was instead butchering the American national anthem. Roseanne had nothing on Nikolai. He starts working on Repo Man right away. Main event anywhere in the country, that match, lemme tell ya. We’ve really slowed the tempo down, here. Greg picks it up by slapping the Figure Four on Flair, to a big pop from the crowd and a near brain aneurysm from Bobby. Repo eliminates Nikolai to great indifference.

#13. The Big Boss Man
Boss Man beats up the world for a while, to a big pop. Repo eliminates the Hammer. How the hell is REPO MAN getting such a solid Rumble push? Did we REALLY see that character going anywhere? Shawn teases elimination at the hands of the Boss Man. Boss Man then dramatically tosses Repo Man out the far side. Davey Boy works on Flair on the ropes some more until Flair dips his shoulder and finally eliminates him. Tornado picks up where Davey left off, and it’s second verse, same as the first, as Flair eliminates him the same way. As the countdown picks up, both Tito and Shawn go tumbling over the top to the floor on the far side. Well, SOMEONE decided the match was dragging.

#14. Hercules
Power and Glory were history by this point, although Herc is still in his Power and Glory trunks. He immediately beats up on Flair, to more great consternation from Bobby. Some video imperfections on here, I dunno if that’s the source tape or my DVD. Flair turns on the Barbarian, to little effect. Barbarian tries to dump him, but Herc sneaks up and eliminates Barbarian. Then a big clothesline by Boss Man sends him and Hercules over the top, but Boss Man lands on the apron. Flair, thinking he’s gone, takes a second to gloat, and then turns around to see Boss Man is still here. Nice little mini-match between the two ensues, ending with Boss Man missing a clothesline and going over the top to the floor. Flair’s all alone, and celebrates with a Flair Flop while Bobby goes nuts, asking if this means he’s won.

#15. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper
Flair and Piper had the feud at this point, of course. Bobby almost starts crying. Piper goes nuts on Flair to huge crowd heat. Flair heads to the floor, but Roddy heads out and fetches him. Flair tries an atomic drop out of the corner, but Piper blocks it and casually pokes him in the eyes. Airplane spin, a move you NEVER see anymore, followed by a sleeper. Flair fades…

#16. Jake “The Snake” Roberts
HUGE boos for Jake, who has transformed into a mega-heel during a feud with Randy Savage. That featured one of the creepiest moments in WWF history, as Jake had a real King Cobra really bite on Savage’s real arm on national television. It was de-venomized, of course, but still damn eerie to see. Jake sits back and lets Piper continue to work on Flair before attacking Piper. Bobby: “Thank you, Jake, thank you!” Jake and Roddy fight in the corner as Flair lies prone on the mat. Flair finally rises…and gets hit with a short clothesline by Jake. Bobby starts ranting about Jake. Jake sets up for the DDT, but Piper hits Jake before he can do it. Bobby: “I never thought I’d say this, but THANK YOU, Roddy…it’s a kilt! It’s not a skirt, it’s a kilt!” Flair slaps the Figure Four on Jake, and Roddy starts kicking BOTH of them. Bobby: “Roddy, you no-good creep! You skirt-wearing freak!” That right there is, pretty much, my favorite wrestling quote of all time. My brother’s, too. We quote that one CONSTANTLY. Bobby Heenan: Genius. They all hit blows on each other and Jake almost has Roddy out as…

#17. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
Jim, naturally, goes right after Flair. Bobby, again, rants about the conspiracy against Flair. “Hulk Hogan had something to do with this!” We pair off, Duggan/Jake and Flair/Piper. Not much going on, really.

#18. Irwin R. Schyster
For the uninitiated, Mike Rotunda, longtime wrestling veteran, getting a WWF makeover as the Wrestling Tax Collector. Get it? His initials are I.R.S.! Oh, Vince, you clever dog, you. They even made him wear a dress shirt and tie in the ring. Irwin, of course, attacks Flair right away. Flair and Jake almost eliminate Piper until a Double Noggin Knocker by Duggan stops it. Roddy almost eliminates Flair himself.

#19. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka
Snuka saves Flair from elimination, then paradoxically starts nailing him. I guess he just figured it was his turn. Duggan draws heat by just standing in the corner a bit. The announcers point out we’ve reached the point where either Hogan or the Undertaker can show up, as, since they were the two former champions, they were given an advantage by being allowed to draw between numbers 20-30. Yeah, like Hogan needed that kind of rigging to get a high number. Flair again teases elimination, this time at the hands of Jake.

#20. The Undertaker
Wow, that preferential draw really worked out for the Dead Man, didn’t it? Undertaker breaks up the “beat Flair up first” rhythm by eliminating Snuka with one blow first, THEN beating on Flair. Bobby starts getting fatalistic, yelling about how all their hard work is going down the toilet. Duggan tries to attack Undertaker, who uncharacteristically kicks his leg back and waffles Jim in the nuts. Hey, even a zombie knows the Universal Weak Point. Piper and Flair team up to work on the Taker.

#21. “Macho Man” Randy Savage
As noted, he and Jake have a BIG feud, which explains why Jake IMMEDIATELY heads for the floor when he sees Savage coming. Savage gets blindsided by the Undertaker while he’s looking for him, allowing Jake to come back in and start working on him. Savage comes back quickly and eliminates Jake with a high knee, and then dives over the top after him to keep up the attack. The crowd gets completely deflated, thinking Savage has eliminated himself, but the referees tell him to get back in, so apparently self-eliminations don’t count this year. They need to keep better track of these kinds of rules. Undertaker keeps trying to pry Savage off of Jake, to little success, until finally Jake gets out of there and Savage is apparently still in. The announcers are as confused as anyone as to why Savage is still in there, until someone explains the ruling. Taker keeps working on Savage until Duggan peels him off. Flair nails a low blow on Taker. Taker acts mildly distracted by it.

#22. The Berzerker
The gimmick: He’s a Viking. In fact, that was his original name until we decided “Berzerker” was more marketable. This was years before “Clerks,” BTW. Catchphrase: “Huss! Huss!” Repeat for THE WHOLE MATCH. It’s kinda like Mick’s in-ring chatter, but WAY more annoying. He also had the weirdest finisher: He’d toss guys over the top rope and let them get counted out. Ooooookay. He also once had a feud with the Undertaker where he tried to stab him with a big sword he carried. There you go, the complete career history of the Berzerker. Not available in paperback at your local Barnes and Noble. Flair tries to suplex Savage to the floor, but Macho counters it and suplexes him back in. Bobby to Flair: “Weasel your way out if you have to!” Odd pair: Taker and Roddy double choke Flair. Until Taker notices Roddy’s there and starts choking HIM, too.

#23. Virgil
Virg had lost pretty much all the career momentum at this point. Undertaker starts beating on him pretty quickly. Not a whole lot going on. Taker chokes out Flair in the corner, driving Bobby nuts. Roddy and Virgil, best buddies in storyline, beat each other up.

#24. Col. Mustafa
The last vestiges of the Iraq storyline saw the Iron Sheik, real-life Iranian, convert to being Iraqi as Mustafa. Really drives home the point that apparently no one in the WWF really knew (or cared) how spectacularly unlikely that is in real life. Eh, after Slaughter turned Iraqi it was pretty much all bets are off. Savage nails Taker with a big blow. Taker seems mildly interested. Flair and Piper pair off again.

#25. “The Model” Rick Martel
The current record-holder attacks Virgil right away. Way to aim high, Rick. He does better by attacking Flair and trying to put him out, but Flair survives yet again. Savage eliminates Mustafa to no reaction. Duggan, lacking anything better to do, starts a “USA” chant.

#26. Hulk Hogan
Hogan knocks the Taker and Flair’s heads together as a greeting. His feud is with Taker, so he quickly pairs off with him, leading to a bunch of heels ganging up on him. Heenan is now pleading with god, begging for Flair to win and saying he’ll never do another bad thing as long as he lives. Hogan quickly comes back and eliminates the Taker with a big clothesline (HUGE pop), and then sends the Berzerker to the floor right after him. And then, finally, he takes the shirt off. Virgil takes a dive at Duggan that sends BOTH of them to the floor.

#27. Skinner
Veteran Steve Keirn in his new gimmick as an alligator hunter. Hmm, a guy named Steve who hunts big lizards and wildlife - I guess no one knew just how ahead of his time Keirn really was. Ah well, hindsight is 20/20. Bobby: “I need something to drink. Hey, you, stupid! Get me something to drink!” The Ricks, Flair and Martel, try to eliminate Piper. Both announcers are flabbergasted that Flair is still there.

#28. Sgt. Slaughter
Sarge is back to being a babyface, after his classic “I want my country back!” promo. Well, not quite classic. More like mildly memorable. But he’s an American again, and that’s all that matters. Skinner tries to eliminate Piper, but gets eliminated by Martel. Slaughter works on Flair right away. Piper and Hogan revisit some history by working on each other. The announcers claim Flair has passed Martel’s record.

#29. Sid Justice
We wanted Sid to be a face, so instead of Vicious he’s “Justice.” Sid works on IRS right away, but can’t eliminate him. Flair’s still up and fighting, working over Hogan, supposedly foreshadowing their WrestleMania match that never happened. Sid starts working on Flair in a WCW throwback.

#30. The Warlord
It’s Warlord’s last year of being wholly ineffectual in the Rumble, sad to say. And, appropriately, he goes out as the keeper of the #30 curse. Bless you, Warlord, for your stunning efforts at mediocrity. Hogan and Flair end up on the floor (but not eliminated), and Hogan suplexes him out there. Sid tosses Slaughter to the turnbuckle, and he flies over it and out. Hogan tosses Flair back in and keeps beating him. IRS tosses Piper to the apron, but Piper grabs him by the tie and pulls him out. Justice and Hogan easily toss out Warlord. A salute, to the end of the most unsuccessful Rumble career in history. Godspeed, fair Warlord, godspeed. Piper and Martel brawl on the ropes, allowing Justice to sneak up and eliminate both of them, meaning…

The Final Four: Ric Flair, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, Hulk Hogan and Sid Justice
Nifty booking, as all four of these guys ended up being both halves of Mania’s double main event. Sid perches Savage on the top rope, and Flair nails Sid from behind, spilling Savage to the floor and eliminating him. Flair chops away at Hogan, to no effect. Flair almost does a Flair Flip in the corner, but stops himself. Flair goes to the apron, and Hogan tries to get him out…and Justice sneaks up from behind and tosses Hogan out to a surprisingly big pop. Hogan, being the GREAT sport he is, grabs Justice from the floor and pulls on his arm, allowing Flair to sneak up and toss Justice to win the Royal Rumble and the WWF Title. Bobby nearly loses his voice celebrating. Flair beats a quick retreat as Hogan and Justice argue in the ring, with the crowd pretty clearly siding with Justice. If Hogan hadn’t decided to “retire” at WrestleMania VIII, we were on the verge of him getting John Cena Resentment Heat pretty quickly. This Rumble is pretty universally considered one of if not THE best…but it’s not quite THAT great. It’s very entertaining for Flair’s performance and Bobby’s work, but there are better booked Rumbles in its history, with fewer ring-clogging dead spots. Still, it’s a really good one, and Flair’s performance (setting a new Rumble record at 60 minutes) is certainly among the greats.

In the back, Jack Tunney presents the title to Flair. Flair calls it the greatest moment of his life, and Bobby and Perfect say they told us so.

They run the show-closing photo montage, AGAIN overdubbing the Rumble theme. I is more confused.

THOUGHTS:
Many (mostly rabid Flair fans) will tell you this is one of the greatest PPV events in history, but I defy any of them to watch the whole show and still claim that. The opener is okay. The Piper match is a great moment preceded by a not-so-great match. The Tag Title match is merely passable. And the Whackers/Beverlies match is a black hole of suck that no show could ever fully recover from. The Rumble is, as stated, very good, but ever so slightly overhyped. The end result is, overall, a pretty mediocre show, in the grand scheme of things, one that time has been very kind to because fans are able to do their own internal editing job on it (Flair won! Piper won! That’s all that happened, right?). But again, the quality of the release is quite good (inconsistent music editing aside), and this Rumble set has been well worth the money so far.

Up next: Rumble ‘93! No Hogan! Really!